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“What are you anxious about?” Seokjin asks bluntly. Namjoon would be taken aback at the question if it was asked by someone else than his hyung. Seokjin seems to be able to stare right through his soul. He always knows what Namjoon’s mood is. He has Namjoon completely figured out by looking at the simplest of things, like his posture or the look in his eyes. So, of course, he can easily tell that Namjoon is terribly anxious.
The anxiety that inhibits Namjoon was set off by the fact that he doesn’t know how this trip was even allowed by their agency. They won’t have a full-fledged camera team as they have in other projects. They won’t have stylists or hairdressers, just their managers, who won’t even travel in the same car as them.
In the wake of all this, Namjoon illogically fears that everything will completely spiral out of control. He’s concerned this unpolished side of them, will change people’s perception of the band.
Maybe it’s the stress and pain from the rest of his life that spills into this as well. Even though he wills himself to try to forget it, his worries stalk him like a lion watching its prey. Namjoon breathes out heavily.
He is excited about travelling with his boys, that is what he tells himself at least.
Namjoon’s bouncing leg halts to a stop when Seokjin puts a firm hand on it. Namjoon turns his gaze from the clouds outside the airplane window to look back at his hyung.
“I’m anxious about the trip, but a lot of everything else,” Namjoon answers him after a bit. Seokjin locks eyes with Namjoon, a silent conversation to tell Namjoon to do the thing he has countless of times before. Whenever Namjoon has too much in his head, they simply meet eyes and breathe together for a moment. Seokjin takes a deep breath, meaning Namjoon to follow suit. When Namjoon exhales, he is a tiny bit calmer already. Seokjin is the quiet to Namjoon’s storm, and Namjoon doesn’t know how to express his gratitude to him.
“The trip is going to be great. Everything else we can worry about when we go back to Korea, okay, Joonie?” Seokjin smiles at him, soft and reassuring. Namjoon takes another deep breath.
“Okay.”
*
Namjoon is hit by cold air, right as they step out of the airport. It’s the kind of cold he’s only ever used to facing early spring or late autumn. It’s odd that it’s so chilly, in the middle of July.
“I feel like I didn’t pack enough sweaters.” Jimin shivers beside him. “Can we hurry up and get to the camping car now?” Jimin whines again, and he doesn’t seem to be the only one panicked by the chilliness, deciding by how fast Yoongi gets into motion to find out where it’s parked.
Once they find their camper van, Namjoon is glad he never took up on those driving lessons, thus having the responsibility of driving. Everything Namjoon wants to take responsibility for, is grabbing a blanket and taking a nap.
“Yoongi, you’ve had about 5 cups of coffee in the last hour, you can drive!” Seokjin exclaims, taking Yoongi’s hand and then raising it in the air in an attempt to make Yoongi seem more enthusiastic.Jin fails because Yoongi just slumps together, even more, looking sleepier than ever.
“Noo, I want to nap,” Yoongi sing-songs and has Jungkook and Jimin erupting into laughter.
When they found out about the prospect of filming everything, Jungkook had took it as his mission to be the designated camera man. Jungkook had already probably filmed at least 3 hours of footage, just on their journey to get here. Namjoon doesn’t see him slowing down any time soon. Jungkook puts the camera super close to Yoongi’s face, who twists his face into looking even more like a walking zombie. Jungkook’s laughter spreads throughout the entire group of overly tired boys. Soon, they’re all giggling, seemingly at nothing at all.
Namjoon wonders if any of their footage will be usable.
“Min Yoongi, you owe me your firstborn , but I will be brave and drive,” Seokjin announces.
He walks towards the car, releasing Yoongi's raised hand in that same motion.
“Kim Namjoon will you sit beside me and be my emotional support boy?” Seokjin requests and Namjoon knows his blanket and nap time will have to wait, as he climbs into the passenger seat.
*
“If we drove in the early morning hours, it would be like driving at midday at home. I wish we could do that. Fuck jetlag.” Seokjin’s eyes are focused on the road. There are dark circles under his eyes, and his usual good posture has become hunched over the steering wheel.
Before they took off driving, Seokjin had jokingly told Namjoon to pinch him if he looked too tired. Namjoon thinks that if they haven’t arrived at their destination soon, he will have to put pinching into action.
“We can do that actually-“ Namjoon starts to say but Seokjin interrupts him.
“No, driving in the dark is bad. won’t do it. nope” Without looking up at Seokjin, Namjoon knows he’s dramatically flapping his head to get his point across. Seokjin is an excellent driver, even in the dark. Namjoon has sat in the passenger seat during many late-night drives, and they were both here and alive.
“The nights aren’t dark here, hyung,” Namjoon interjects without looking up from his phone.
“The sun doesn’t set, because we are above the polar circle. So it’s bright outside 24 hours a day.”
“Wow, keep talking sexy science to me, Joonie.” Namjoon finally looks up from his phone to look at Seokjin, who winks at him. Namjoon face burns bright red and he looks down to his phone screen again.
*
“Namjoonie hyung and Yoongi hyung, get in the camera! Smile!” Taehyung holds up the camera far up to catch Namjoon and Yoongi who are a few steps behind. Taehyung gives the camera a boxy smile and stares back at Yoongi and Namjoon in the viewfinder. ‘Come on!’ Taehyung mouths at them, then he smiles at the camera again.
“No,” Yoongi mutters and walks past them to look at which meat to buy. Yoongi begrudgingly came along to shop for food seemingly too tired and jetlagged to be bothered. He said he didn't trust Taehyung and Namjoon to keep track of things. Namjoon would be offended if he didn’t unknowingly leave his wallet and phone behind.
“Come on, Namjoonie hyung humor me. I want to be a good vlogger,” Taehyung whines and clings to Namjoon’s arm, his head on Namjoon’s shoulder. Namjoon can hardly ever say no to Taehyung, so he looks into the camera and gives his most brilliant smile. It’s a smile that feels odd on his face - They have been few in numbers, lately. Taehyung squeezes his arm and hollers loudly enough that some old ladies in the aisles look back at them disgruntled. Namjoon smiles at this, and now it feels like it’s a shape on his face meant to be there.
“He looks sad” Taehyung comments as he looks down at one scary-looking fish in the freezer. Namjoon looks into the frozen dead eyes of the fish, shakes his head, convinced he made the right choice refusing seafood.
“He looks like my dinner,” Yoongi replies and picks up the fish and adds to their cart. Yoongi giggles at his own wit and when Taehyung tries to capture it on camera, he hides his smile and walks away. Namjoon scoffs.
“Now that’s a good drama shot for them to edit in somewhere. I’m the greatest vlogger,” Taehyung self compliments himself and hands Namjoon the camera to film the food they’re going to eat later instead.
*
Namjoon doesn’t understand why he is feeling jealous.
Yoongi and Seokjin are in the front of the camper van, Yoongi driving, Seokjin keeping him company. The two of them are giggling and gossiping, looking exactly like how he used to watch his mom hang out with her best friend.
Namjoon doesn’t know why, but suddenly bubbling feelings of jealousy erupt in his chest, and he can’t stop them. Namjoon wants to join their conversation, place himself in between his two hyungs and laugh with them, like he has wanted to do so several times before.
Namjoon likes to go hang out in Yoongi and Jin’s room a lot, to seek refuge from his own head. One of those days when he was feeling particularly low, he found the two of them lying on Seokjin’s bed, side by side, yelling about some anime. They invited Namjoon to join, shifted so they could all squeeze together on the bed, but Namjoon could not allow himself to take up that space, interrupt their moment, even if he needed it.
Namjoon knows they would never mind if he actually did join them. He knows they love him. Despite that, it’s difficult to reach out when his heart is heavy with desolation and his brain is yelling back harsh and self-critical words, trying to rationalize that loneliness.
Namjoon doesn’t want to feel the sting in his heart as he watches Seokjin laugh at something Yoongi says, he doesn’t want to feel alone in a room full of the people he loves and cares about the most. He wants to be present in the moment, happy, laughing, like his friends are. So he attempts to push those feelings down. Namjoon has done that a lot lately, pressed things aside to handle later and now he fears that all that build-up will inevitably push itself up again like a cork in water. Namjoon knows that when it happens, he won't be able to push it away any longer.
“No I know, just because something looks like English doesn't mean Namjoon can read it. I just thought you could use your sexy brain to figure it out, hyung.” Taehyung explains Namjoon’s already spoken words with a wide smile on his face. He laughs and twirls around in his hair, and he forces Namjoon to focus on Taehyung instead of the dark feelings circling around his chest.
“I can’t read the Norwegian road signs, I don’t have an internet connection at the moment so naver isn’t working either,” Namjoon replies, frowning.
“ Maybe you should learn Norwegian then. It can't be hard,” Taehyung replies and the look Namjoon gives him has Jimin beside him folding in laughter.
“I’ll figure it out,” Yoongi answers from the front of the car. Taehyung and Jimin cheer loudly at this.
“Wow, Yoongi-hyung you're my very favourite!” Taehyung exclaims, earning a glare back from Namjoon.
“You’re my favourite, Namjoon Hyung.” Jungkook says quietly next to him and just for a moment, all of the ugly feelings orbiting inside of him, dissipate.
*
Namjoon sits himself down at a safe distance between Jungkook and Seokjin who are wrestling in an attempt to throw each other in the cold lake. Namjoon doesn’t want to be in the splashing area, when eventually one of them plummets in.
Namjoon digs his toes in the sand, sweeps it along his feet, enjoying the feeling. It’s easy to get lost in thought here, where nature is beautiful like a scenic photograph everywhere he turns. He sees snow-clad mountains in the distance, the water of the lake glittering with how the sun is shining on it. The sky is bright blue, even now at 2 am. The air feels almost chilling so Namjoon wants to get back in the camper van. Despite this, he doesn’t move, frozen by the moment playing out in front of him. Namjoon thinks that, in his next life, he wants to be a painter whose life mission is to capture this kind of beauty.
“Where in the world is your brilliant mind, Joonie” Hoseok wonders and throws himself down next to Namjoon. He pats Namjoon’s leg and with that, he forcefully drags Namjoon out of his own head. Hoseok always seems to know when Namjoon is in need of a little mind cleansing.
Namjoon doesn’t know what to tell his friend, even though he has a feeling Hoseok already knows his brain is overwhelmed by a swarm of thoughts.
“Oh, I don't know,” Namjoon replies, eyes wandering to where Seokjin is now laughing at a wet and grumpy Jungkook. Namjoon wishes he watched the end of the fight, because he can’t understand how Seokjin managed to win over Jungkook. Seokjin's laughter travels across the beach, he’s folded in half from laughing.
“It’s so incredibly beautiful, isn't it?” Hobi suddenly breathes out. Namjoon agrees humming, his gaze not directed towards the landscape at all.
Namjoon’s heart aches with something he hasn’t put a name to yet.
“Rock paper scissors for deciding beds! Rock for the beds on the side, paper for the bunks and scissors for the big bunk. Let's go.” Yoongi announces. Namjoon reaches his hand into the middle as they start the game. He always feels jittery when they play games deciding their imminent future, but it's better than arguing.
Namjoon looks at both him and Seokjin's hands being scissors and gets a weird jumpy feeling in his stomach when he realises they’re sharing the big bunk. When he turns his head up to look at Seokjin, he’s already staring back at Namjoon, his ears red like strawberries and a soft strung smile on his face.
“Namjoonie-hyung! Bunk buddies! Don’t snore in my ear!” Jimin exclaims happily and gives Namjoon a bear hug. Namjoon laughs and promises he will try. Jimin gives Namjoon the perfect distraction from picturing the way Seokjin looked back at him and from how his heart is beating wildly in his chest.
*
Namjoon looks up from his book as Seokjin climbs up into the bunk to lie beside him. The light from the window streams in, allowing Namjoon to see all the words in his book and to perfectly see Seokjin. Namjoon thinks that it would be easier to sleep if he wasn’t able to look at Jin. That’s all his eyes have wanted to do lately, look at Seokjin, all the time. Namjoon could probably trace his features with his eyes closed, Seokjin’s beautiful face forever burnt into the back of his eyelids.
“What are you reading?” Seokjin wonders, voice low as not to wake the others. He scoots even closer to Namjoon.
“Hm, it's a Japanese philosophy book about finding peace in nature? It feels right reading it here.” Namjoon looks up from his book to look at Seokjin. His cheeks are still flushed red from running around in the cold air with Jungkook, his brown hair is ruffled from the wind, it’s sticking up in different directions on his head. There's this soft and warm look in Seokjin’s eyes when he looks back into Namjoon’s. Their faces are so close that Namjoon could count the individual hairs of his eyelashes, so close that if he just leaned forward a little he could -
Namjoon stomach does the loopy thing again.
“Have you found peace in nature, Joon-ah?” Seokjin whispers softly, and he traces his fingers across the pages in Namjoon’s book. Seokjin’s other hand traces in Namjoon’s hair instead. Namjoon can’t focus on the book, at all.
“I think I found peace here, yeah,” Namjoon replies, not specifying where here is. If Namjoon was braver, he’d tell the man lying next to him that, Namjoon can find peace anywhere, as long as the two of them are together. Seokjin opens his mouth to reply, but at that moment Jimin is climbing up the ladder to the bunk.
“Hey, Jin hyung, can you scoot over please?” Seokjin rolls away from Namjoon to give Jimin space to slide in between them. Namjoon has to bite his tongue as not to protest. Jimin clings to Seokjin for a cuddle and the two of them promptly start whispering and giggling quietly. Namjoon rolls around to lie on his other side and tries to read his book. It’s not long until heavy swirls of darkness settle in his chest, again, he feels so alone, again. Even if his best friends are within reach. He doesn’t reach out. Namjoon continues reading his book until his eyes burn and the weight on his chest has dissipated a little. He doesn’t sleep that night, and in the morning when his friends ask him why he’s so tired, he blames it on the nights being too bright.
*
Jungkook holds up the camera high up, so he and Namjoon are in frame. Namjoon had made a point about filming with the nice scenery in the background but no arms were long enough.
“Namjoonie-hyung, please explain what we’re doing today!.” Jungkook shoots the camera a big smile. He tugs on Namjoon’s arm to bring him closer into the frame. Namjoon is tired from his lack of sleep, but he would do anything to keep Jungkook happy. So he smiles at the camera as well and replies,
“Today we are hiking, because Hiking and being outside is a really important part of Scandinavian culture.” Namjoon had spent a lot of time researching about Scandinavia before they went here, he had dived into numerous Wikipedia pages and articles about history and culture. He did it first so their group could feel less lost, but then curiosity had gotten the best of him and he stayed up all night watching documentaries on Norse mythology and its cultural impact.
“Being on a couch is a really important part of Jimin culture.” Jimin pipes up, earning a hearty laugh from Hoseok and Taehyung beside him.
”Jiminie is tired today.” Hoseok points out to the camera. He ruffles Jimin’s hair, fond look in his eyes as he does.
“We have 4 kilometers to go,” Yoongi announces, looking up from his map. Seokjin steals the map from his hands and shakes his head.
“Yah, Yoongi why are you lying, there are at least 6 kilometers left.” Seokjin scolds Yoongi, then hits him in the arm with the map.
“I thought I could keep everyone’s spirits up.” Yoongi mumbles, cheeks turning red.
“My spirit is definitely down..” Jimin groans as he puts his forehead against Taehyung's shoulder.
“Ah cheer up Jiminie, soon we’ll see a big waterfall,” Taehyung reassures him, putting an arm around him.
“Ah Taehyung, it’s not that big.” Jimin sighs, his entire face now pressed into Taehyung’s arm.
“Ah cheer up Jiminie, soon we’ll see A waterfall I guess.” Hoseok smiles as he hugs Jimin tight so he is squeezed between Taehyung and Hoseok. Jimin laughs.
Namjoon stumbles and almost falls on a protruding root sticking up from the ground. His clumsiness caused by his focus being on his chaotic boys, instead of keeping his eyes on the road.
“Be careful when you walk, Joonie.” Seokjin tells him softly and then grabs his hand and leads him up the rest of the path, despite it not being very difficult to walk anyway. Namjoon’s face burns when Seokjin refuses to let his hand go, ‘to keep you safe.’ he says and intertwined their fingers.
They continue holding hands for the rest of the hiking trail. When they arrive at the waterfall, Seokjin lets go of his hand, and then he runs off to annoy Jungkook. Namjoon looks down at his hand and wonders why his fingers ache to hold Seokjin’s hand again.
*
Namjoon can’t sleep.
He wants to blame his inability to fall into a slumber on the fact that his body is still on Korean time, or the fact that the sun never setting is tricking his brain into being awake, but his insomnia had been present even before jetlag and midnight sun issues. However, they certainly aren’t helping to fall asleep either.
Namjoon softly moves out of the bunk as not to wake Seokjin or Jimin, and climbs down the ladder to go outside for a breath of fresh air.
He sits down on a rock just outside of the camper van, wishing he had the common sense to put on shoes because the grass beneath his feet is cold and wet from the early morning dew. He can’t be bothered going back inside, and the view of the mountains is way too captivating to leave.
A while after Namjoon went out, someone sits down next to him. Namjoon looks over to see Seokjin smiling at him.
“Sorry, did I wake you?” Namjoon wonders.
Seokjin shakes his head. “‘No, I was already awake.”
Seokjin sits down next to Namjoon, close enough that Namjoon could wrap an arm around Seokjin for warmth sharing, but he doesn’t.
“It's so weird that the sun never sets,” Namjoon says, for the millionth time. It is really weird. The never-ending days. He has no natural sense of the passage of time, except the exhaustion flowing into his body once and awhile, willing him to sleep.
“I like it.” Seokjin beams. He initiates the move Namjoon was too cowardly to do and changes their position to lean his body against Namjoon’s. A cold wind suddenly breezes by them and Namjoon isn’t sure if his shivers are caused by the sudden drop of temperature or Seokjin being so close.
“Maybe I should go to sleep.” Namjoon mumbles and Seokjin leans away from him, allowing Namjoon to go back inside. Even if he initiated it, he reluctantly stands up to leave. Before he walks away, Seokjin interrupts his movements and calls out to him.
“Hey Namjoon, before you go back in, I want to say something to you.” Seokjin’s voice quivers a bit as he speaks, Namjoon turns around to look at him, curious. When their eyes meet, Seokjin pats the space next to him, willing Namjoon to sit down beside him again.
“So,” Seokjin starts up again, taking a deep breath. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you for some time now, but I never had the chance.”
Seokjin breathes deeply once again. Namjoon searches Seokjin’s face for the answer to why he seems so anxious but, his face remains calm and unchanging in the sunlight. It’s only Seokjin’s shaking hands that could be any telling he is wavering in the words he wants to say.
“I hate watching you struggle, Namjoon. I can't bear watching you beat yourself down, because I completely adore you. I mean we all do- but I’ve always, uh, adored you.” Seokjin smiles so sweetly when he says those words that Namjoon’s breath catches in his throat.
Namjoon racks his brain for the times when Seokjin has allowed himself to be emotionally vulnerable. The occasions are few enough Namjoon can count them on his fingers. Namjoon thinks that his hyung must’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it, for this to be happening. Seokjin continues. “I’m pretty sure you’re the most amazing person I’ve met and I hate that I can’t do anything to help you or help you see yourself from my perspective.” Jin moves his eyes from the horizon and looks right back into Namjoon eyes. Seokjin who struggles looking people in the eye, drawn back by his shyness, is looking at him with such intensity that goosebumps start to form on Namjoon’s skin.
“I love you, and I know that isn’t going to fix anything, but, I really, do, love you, a lot.” Seokjin declares, now his eyes anxiously flicker up and down Namjoon’s face, eyes searching his features for something.
Namjoon’s heart beats so intensely it feels like it is going to burst out of his ribcage.
“I-“ Namjoon doesn’t know how to respond, too stunned to get his brain to function and form any good words.
“Thank you,” is all Namjoon can get across and just as the words leave his mouth Namjoon wants to slap himself hard across the face.
Seokjin doesn’t seem fazed by Namjoon’s untactical response, instead, he smiles softly back at Namjoon who has his mouth agape and eyes wide. Seokjin stands up after a beat and Namjoon thinks he hears his hyung sigh quietly, but then he turns around, a smile still on his face and he pats Namjoon on the shoulder and says
“Well, I should go sleep now, goodnight, Namjoon-ah.” And then he walks back into the camper van and leaves Namjoon, alone. He sits there for a few moments, breathless and numb, staring at the sun peeking out from behind some clouds. Namjoon’s eyes suddenly become blurry, clouded by heavy streams of tears flowing down his cheeks. Namjoon wipes at his eyes, and tries to make sense of what the fuck just happened.
*
Seokjin’s love confession plays in Namjoon’s mind over and over again. The casual manner in which Seokjin had been with him afterward, had led Namjoon to wonder what it even was. Maybe it was just an emotionally charged brotherly affirmation of love and Namjoon was just imagining things.
He thinks about how Seokjin’s hands had shaken, his hyung who always is stoic. Namjoon thinks about Seokjin’s eyes and how they had lingered on Namjoon's lips when they spoke. It had to mean something. Yet Seokjin was acting like nothing happened between them that early morning.
“Does anyone know what time it is?” Yoongi shouts from the driver’s seat. Namjoon looks up from his notebook. Seokjin was looking at him from across the table but he averts his eyes and looks down at his phone again. The feeling in Namjoon’s stomach has shifted from the butterflies into something more lumbering. He opens up his mouth to answer when Taehyung and Jungkook look up from their card game to yell “No!” In a choir.
“Can anyone please check?” Hoseok tries again.
“No,it’s more fun this way!” They yell back.
While everyone else went slightly insane from never being able to tell what time of day it was, Jungkook and Taehyung seemed to thrive off the chaos. The fact that midnight looked the same as 5 pm somehow delighted the two. Namjoon wishes he could feel joy from chaos the same way they seem to do.
“It’s 3 am hyung.” Namjoon answers Hoseok and causes Jungkook and Taehyung to sigh loudly. Namjoon looks down at his notebook again, sentences crossed out and rewritten and crossed out again. Songwriting had been hard lately, Namjoon’s mind had felt shattered, too many thoughts that led him spirling and too many ideas he didn’t have time to follow through with. The only thing he had were fragments of poems and sentences he couldn’t make sense of.
When Namjoon tried to explain the inexplicable jumble of thoughts to Yoongi, his hyung told him it was probably just writers block and that it would pass soon.
See, Namjoon didn’t think of it as a writer's block, because he could still write perfectly fine, but as soon as he tried to write from his heart, everything he wrote turned out messy and staticy.
It was like the highways of thoughts in his brain had been broken off, not allowing him to access the information until he had time to process it.
Namjoon thinks about Seokjin’s words again, and his pen starts moving across the page, his thoughts untangled and clear.
The text that appears on his pages is a heart-wrenching love song about longing and uncertainty. Yet, there’s a shining silver lining of hope in the lyrics.
It’s the first time they’re alone. Since Seokjin told Namjoon he loves him. They’re somewhere in Finland, sitting once again by a lake. Namjoon has seen a wider variety of lakes in the past week and a half than he has before in his life.
Seokjin is quiet next to him, he had been quiet and subdued the entire evening. So when the others headed back in, Namjoon assumed he’d be left alone like all the other evenings, for him to sit and take in the world around him.
Seokjin stayed, however, still quiet but close to Namjoon’s side, sharing body heat and quiet comfort.
“We should go bathing.” Seokjin suggests suddenly, hand heavy on Namjoon‘s outstretched thigh. His eyes are sparkling and Namjoon can’t say no to the way Seokjin smiles at him.
”But we didn’t bring swimwear!” Namjoon tries to interject but Seokjin just shrugs and starts unbuttoning his shirt, one by one exposing more skin down his torso.
“Do it naked, then,” Seokjin says nonchalantly like he’s talking about what he wants for lunch, not telling Namjoon to go naked into a lake on the North pole.
Namjoon curses and blesses the midnight sun. If they were anywhere else in the world, they would be covered by the darkness. Skinny dipping above the Arctic circle never seemed like something Namjoon would ever do, but Namjoon pulls off his t-shirt as they start moving down the beach. He doesn’t know why he’s so nervous to be naked in front of Seokjin. He has been, hundreds of times before. It feels different now, somehow.
Namjoon struggles with the belt on his jeans, eyes too busy watching the muscles that stretch across Seokjin’s broad back. His eyes follow the lines of Seokjin’s body as he steps out of his underwear and then runs into the lake yelling.
Namjoon removes his remaining clothing and follows him into the water.
The moment Namjoon hits the water he regrets it instantly. It's horrible, way too cold for Namjoon to ever consider bathing, but he continues running.
When he catches up with Seokjin his breathing is laboured, a little from running in the shallow waters, but mostly from the shock of the cold lake He looks at Seokjin’s face, his mouth open and his eyes are wide and glimmering. The water doesn’t feel as cold anymore.
Seokjin moves closer to Namjoon, shivering a little, maybe from the cold, maybe from something else. The air is charged with electricity so strong it feels like it could pull Namjoon apart. Seokjin grabs Namjoon’s arm to bring him closer. His hand then travels to the length of Namjoon’s back, the movement leaving goosebumps in its wake.
They are so close, standing in the shallow waters, not freezing anymore. Namjoon knows now he has to make the first move, he has to be the one to take this leap. Seokjin has tried to reach him for too long.
Namjoon strokes the hairs from Seokjin's forehead, his hand then coming to rest on his cheek. He takes a deep breath, like he would before jumping from a diving tower, into a pool. Then he leans forward and presses his lips against Seokjin’s.
A second goes by without Seokjin responding, and Namjoon makes himself ready for rejection and he’s already making up an excuse in his head, but then Seokjin kisses back with full force. Namjoon head spins with how soft Seokjin’s lips feel against his. Their bodies press closer together; chest against chest, arms around each other. Namjoon’s brain goes completely quiet for the first time in a really long time. For a short moment, his mind is wiped from difficult thoughts and worries, and the only thing that exists in the world is Seokjin. It doesn’t last long, however, because when Namjoon reluctantly stops kissing Seokjin to take a breath of air, he hears Jimin’s and Hoseok’s laughter in the distance. He sobers up immediately to what just happened and he’s struck with a paralysing fear. What have they done? Namjoon knows this thing between the two of them, can jeopardize everything they’ve worked for. There’s so much at stake, so much that could shatter, from his close friendship with Seokjin to the dynamic of the band, if things don’t work out.
Still Namjoon’s foolish heart wants Seokjin so badly. He almost leans forward to kiss his soft lips again, but Namjoon knows that there are too many things that needs to be figured out until they can. Before Namjoon changes his mind, he quietly whispers ‘sorry’ presses a kiss to Seokjin’s cheek. When he swims back to shore, the water suddenly feels freezing with his mind reeling.
Namjoon is scared.
He kissed his best friend, his band member, his housemate. He is terrified because of how much he wants Seokjin, how much he wants to completely throw everything to the wind just to be able to kiss him again and again and again.
It’s ironic that Namjoon is so willing to throw himself into something that could possibly give him so much heartache, as if he has a fraction of ache left in him.
Namjoon is so so scared.
He tells Seokjin this, the two of them standing on the deck of the boat that is taking them to Helsinki. The sky is pink and orange and purple, Namjoon thinks idly that it’s the first time he’s seen a sunset during their trip. When he first experienced the midnight sun, he thought it was absurd and difficult to deal with. Looking at the sky growing shades darker by the night hours passing, he finds himself dreading the dark nights back home in Seoul.
“I know you are, I am too. Things will be different when we get home but I’ll support you and love you no matter what happens, okay?” Seokjin answers him. He rests his forehead against Namjoon’s, Seokjin’s hand lying warm on his cheek.
It won’t be easy, keeping a relationship steady, working as they do. They will have to keep it secret, act like friends everywhere but in the safety of their home.
A relationship won’t magically solve Namjoon’s problems. It won’t heal the pain he carries, it won’t remove the sadness that leaks into his life.
But maybe love is still worth the pain because there’s so much joy to grasp at.
Namjoon’s heartbeats happily in his chest as he leans forward to press their lips together.
“Okay.”