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Jeno knows he should be celebrating because he’s finally breathing after a hellish month full of school works and exams.
He already talked about it with Jaemin and some of their classmates, how they would go to some famous museum a little too far from their place, how they would enjoy themselves and just be happy, and it was already perfect because they already planned it ahead, and he should be excited about it, right?
However, after having almost no sleep for two weeks and excusing himself randomly during class hours just to breathe inside one of the bathroom cubicles, he backs out of this plan after their last final. He wished them good luck, that they would enjoy, and avoided his classmates’ looks of disbelief and Jaemin’s kind eyes like they always were when they look at him, understanding. He’s his best friend after all, he knows what’s going on. Jeno tells him everything.
After their consultation day ended, Jeno finds himself lifelessly dragging his feet towards the bus stop instead. Gone were the thoughts of celebrating and being happy — all he could think about is home and his room’s ceiling which he would stare at, counting the glow in the dark stars he put up when he was still a kid, full of dreams, finding inspiration in everything he sees… happy. He would stare at them until they fade into nothingness, until his eyelids droop with heaviness, until he falls asleep with his thoughts still raging inside his mind, even though he’s already dreaming.
If he has one word to describe what he’s feeling, it would be lifeless. Moving and active, sure, but lifeless — full of sorrow and sadness for something along with plenty other more that he doesn’t know about.
When Jeno finds himself a seat on the bus near the window, that’s where he feels everything crashing towards him. Now that he has no final exams and deadlines to worry about, all his feelings came towards him like the flash of colors from outside the ride.
The emotions he had battled and fought with for the entire month comes up at him all at once. As the engine of the bus roars, he also feels a threatening arrow shot straight towards his heart. There is a taunt that spread afterwards, revealing the deepest, darkest parts of his heart, then it halts and ends with a twinkle in his eyelashes —
Tears.
Jeno reaches to wipe them as they’re streaming down his cheeks.
He’s crying.
Underneath the facade of his usually happy disposition, Jeno feels emptiness once he’s away from the crowd. Thankfully the bus isn’t brimming with people like it used to, and Jeno’s quite thankful no one is sitting next to him.
He tries to focus on the loud thumps of rock music that is ringing in his ears, eager to block out all the negative thoughts that are spreading like wildfire on his already flaming mind. He tries to straighten up, breathing through his mouth heavily —
And then the bus halts. Jeno looks outside and he sees the view of a very lovely playground.
The busy people inside the bus are groaning, but to where Jeno looks at, everyone seems to be very happy.
He presses his palm on the window beside him as he tries to take it all in. For someone who probably spent the entire month worrying about what had happened and what may come, a simple playground that bears so, so much life and people genuinely looks so beautiful, even majestic to him.
Jeno roams his eyes around. He first sees an ice cream truck whose tune starts to ring subconsciously on his ears. Kids are running back and forth toward their parents and the vendor. Then Jeno gasps, mouth forming an ‘o’ when someone falls and scrapes their knees.
There is a plentiful and wide array of colors to look at, from the colorful kites that are swaying with the wind, to the stones a couple of kids are painting. It is pure, lovely, and nostalgic — it hugs him like an old, distant memory, almost comforting.
But as he takes in all of this beauty, there is someone who catches Jeno’s eyes.
He finds himself staring at the boy a few seconds longer than any of the vibrant surroundings.
He has his back facing the world, and attention solely on the beautiful flowers. The boy with ragged clothes seems to isolate himself from the crowd, as he runs his hand gently around each flower until the few butterflies kissing them flutter towards him. For some unexplainable reason, Jeno is drawn. He simply couldn’t stop looking.
After a few heartbeats, the boy halts and turns around when a lone butterfly sits at the end of the nose. He stares at it quietly for a few seconds, before laughing, sending the butterfly flying towards the beautiful summer sky.
A few more butterflies start to come towards him, mixed together with the bubbles one parent is blowing, like they’re attracted. Now that Jeno stares at him more, he notices how he looks like a teenager, just like him. But he’s so carefree, and honest, and lively, Jeno starts to feel less tense from everything that is happening to him, as he focuses his attention on the boy instead.
He finds himself letting go of his negative thoughts. From the piles of overdue school work he had just submitted and hoped the best for, and the judging eyes of his friends that feel like daggers running on his skin. To the anxieties that he didn’t do well his in exams, and fear of what his parents would tell him — he blocks them all with ease.
Why must a boy with tattered clothes and dirty feet look like as if the universe blessed him with everything it deprived Jeno off? He looks like a twinkling star, heck, he’s so happy he could outshine both Sirius and Canopus in the night sky.
It was breathtaking, staring at the boy just a few meters away from his reach.
But then after what seems like only a few heartbeats to Jeno and a few hours for everyone else, the bus engines start to roar again. He jolts in surprise, shuffling on his seat. He focuses his eyes back inside the bus and snaps out of his endless reverie.
This is the point where the breathtaking boy finally looks at his direction as Jeno turns discreetly for one last peek — and his heart froze as their eyes meet for a second too long, before the running wheels part their gaze together, ending its wonderful bliss.
For the first time that month Jeno felt content, hopeful, but most of all, happy. He catches himself slipping in a smile as opens his phone, responding to Jaemin with the same amount of emojis and energy he gave which is, in Jeno’s defense, surprisingly genuine.
It is the only thing occupying his mind, until the bus halts for the second time on Jeno’s stop.
And as he rushes towards his home, the butterflies in his stomach once more flutter in delight, together with the ghost of the memories and glee of staring at the smiling boy, dancing with the butterflies in the playground’s prettiest flower field.