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Sometimes…..sometimes it’s hard to talk.
It’s hard to say certain things, it’s hard to express those wild thoughts, which like a mess exist in your head. It’s hard to form the emotions which lives in your heart, which rise up from the cave like a dragon from time to time and like a madmen just stirs your whole body into awake and vivid.
Sometimes it’s hard to speak because you are scared. As you age you develop fear, you start to realize the real world around you which is far different from that protected world, where you spent your childhood. For whatever reason it starts to matter what others’ think, what others say and how they look at you. A little monster, who grows with you as your insecurities gets bigger and bigger, that little thing, which doesn’t have a proper body but has a loud voice….well, that thing…that thing will halt the words at the back of your throat and will turn every gulp into sour sorrow.
Sometimes it’s hard to voice out whatever happens inside you. Who knows really why? Maybe because hearing it with your own ears will make it feel like it’s raw….it’s honest. Maybe, because you will have to realize that the truths and lies, they have their own power, they can change the future, your surroundings just by being out. Or maybe because by forming ones into sentences will force you to admit that you have been thinking, feeling, seeing things in a way which was personal but was also meant to reach others’ ears. Which had to be out, even if it wasn’t needed because it felt natural and good, but somehow it was required to get labeled it and confirmed it.
But sometimes…sometimes you don’t need words, you don’t need courage to move your lips. Because sometimes…sometimes a glance, a little smile, a hidden touch can be enough to communicate in your behalf. You don’t even have to be conscious about it, it happens as naturally as breathing because humans can’t always control their habits, their instincts. Sure, this distinguish them from animals beside the knowledge which somehow made them the superior piece of the chain, but….but even people fail to keep secrets.
Looking back, Jungkook can see which caused his silence on the matter. To be frank with himself, he can point out easily how every mentioned reasons made him loose his voice until it was almost late. Just almost because someone, at the other receiving end, someone was reading him and his sparkling eyes like they were as clear as a lake or the night sky during summer evenings. Every shy step, every fond look and every brush of the fingers – all of them met similar eagerness and much more curiosity.
Jungkook wasn’t aware of it at the beginning, he needed help, he needed time and he needed growth to learn and see, to be confident. The path wasn’t rough, it was smoother than silk and evident just as the Earth is round. But it took weeks, months and years until he was able to possess the strength he had today, which made him so shameless and so oblivious.
Slowly stolen glimpses turned into staring, accidental finger nudging became hand holding and innocent hugging encountered with soft kisses….kisses on the cheeks, kisses on the tip of the nose and kisses on the lips.
There was a boy who understood him even when he couldn’t face with himself. There was someone who reassured him with the best medicine of the world….with love. It caused little sparkles and sometimes whole explosion…. although sometimes it was followed by chaos, most of the time it was just sweet hollow, where souls danced together and quiet promises mingled into an uncertain future. Instead of emptiness something looked very bright there even when the following steps weren’t written out.
Instead of a lonely battle, days went, filled with hope. Failure was still a company but it was no longer as bashful as before, because even in those moments there were a little victories…there was something which made it taste less bitter, less dark.
Sometimes it’s hard to speak, but sometimes it’s the best solution. When anger reeks higher than rationality, when the value of something as precious as love gets mixed with it, there are times when it’s better to keep quiet….to keep silent and just think. Think before you speak, think before you rush into the heat because on the other side there is someone who can be hurt from it. There is someone whose feeling matters just like yours, someone who clings onto you as much as you do.
There is someone who has been by your side, saw the ugly and the best next to you but still stayed there just because they saw the real you and loved every inch of you. Forgetting that just because a red veil fell down or just because stress crosses the path – they just don’t worth it.
Sometimes it’s better to bite on the tongue and hold onto it because the world can crashes into broken pieces and that can be scarier than looking at your reflection in the mirror.
Those moments can come and pass, but the value of a bond can never be overshadowed with something so small like this.
However besides everything, besides all the lesson what Jungkoook learnt and heard, sometimes words are needed even if they are out there. Sometimes it’s important to be aware of their weight and their impact because they can dissolve misunderstandings. They can heal the trembling heart, they can dry tears up and they can stamp the last note on the vow which finds an audience as big as a small crowd.
Jungkook opened his eyes, picked up the pieces and put them together, building up a strong castle which could stood against the storm and the wild winds. However he had a partner in it, who joined him at one point of his life….he had friends who were there even when he pretended he didn’t care….there were “brothers” who drew him under their wings and helped him to spread his own big one, until he was able to fly.
He was thankful for all of them…he really was. Without all of these people he wouldn’t able to become as his true self who was far from perfect, who had wounds but still shined like a star.
“Jungkook? What are you doing?”
Turning around at the mention of his name, lips curled upward from the sleepiness which allured around the tall form which leaned against the door. Closing his old diary, which he had written during his young adulthood, Jungkook pushed himself away from the table and walked to the other. “Nothing much, just looked back a little bit.”
“Ah, you were always a snap but it’s okay, I like this side of you, too.”
Entangling their fingers together, Jungkook smiled when the coldness of the ring cooled his warm skin. He had a similar one on his ring finger too, being the exact copy of the other’s. His heart swelled when he felt the soft lips brushes against the scar of his cheek, the similar excitement which once put him in alert now made him feel content.
“Tae.”
“Hmmm?”
“Let’s go back to bed.”
“Okay.” Smiling up at him, the childlike innocence lighted up Taehyung’s features. He was still the most handsome man Jungkook had ever seen in his life, even the small wrinkles around the corner of the man’s eyes didn’t stop him from the fluttering emotions which run through him.
Sliding under the sheets, picking up their usual cuddle position which only lasted till they fall deep in their dreams - urged the duo to get as close as possible, making Taehyung the small spoon and Jungkook the big one.
They shared kisses at the darkness, the moon on the sky giving them the only source of the night. It was a bliss, something which meant comfort but also home. Even after years, the silence around them was filled with understanding, and knowing very well, how in the morning, when the sun shines and surrounds them, for Jungkook, nothing will be as beautiful and as warm as the man who was lying next to him.
Sometimes it’s hard to speak, that’s true. Sometimes it’s necessary but sometimes it pushes walls, it’s a risky balance game where you can end up either side of the amulet.
However one thing is certain…… with words or without them there was something which always spoke in Jungkook’s behalf, which was written in his lines, in the way he acted....something which never failed to express what was inside of him…..
…his undying love for Taehyung which overcame every boundary in the world.