Chapter Text
It had been nearly a week since Iris and Barry announced their engagement, and it was all Caitlin could think about. It unnerved her how over the past few days she was almost unable to function or focus on simple everyday tasks without feeling the weight of hopelessness and guilt looming above her like a dark cloud. From the moment she laid eyes on Iris's new ring, the feeling was there no matter where she was or what she was doing, even plaguing her dreams. The news hit her hard and all she could manage to do was replay the moment over and over again, attempting to rationalize the situation in different ways knowing that nothing was ever going to change. Caitlin recalled Iris’s nervous fumbling with thick black curls, the bronze glow of her cheeks as she spoke, and the hint of tiny wrinkles that crept up beside tender eyes when she smiled. She was the most beautiful woman in every way, but it was clear now that she only considered Caitlin a friend. At least that was something, considering that up until a few months ago they were nothing more than acquaintances through Barry. Despite all of this and everything that had happened since then, Caitlin loved her. And loving someone she couldn't have was some of the worst pain she'd ever felt.
Waking up in a cold sweat, a startled Caitlin reactively tossed her blanket aside. Promptly getting out of bed, she placed a hand on her bedroom window and looked out toward the gloomy Central City sky for solace. “Brilliant,” she murmured to herself, allowing her fingertips to gently graze the cold glass as they traced the path of a raindrop. She paused briefly to stare at the various droplets hitting the window and couldn’t help but think the weather was somehow the universe’s way of mocking her. Whatever the case was, the grim state of Caitlin’s environment was doing absolutely nothing to help the way she’d felt inside for days. The patter of the rain was as persistent as the longing trapped inside of her, imprisoned by circumstance and repressed by shame. If only things were different, maybe—just maybe—she would have a chance. But they weren’t. Iris was gone now, and so was whatever spark Caitlin thought she had felt between them.
A heavy sigh escaped flushed lips before Caitlin turned to grab her phone from her nightstand. She winced at the sight of 8 AM on the screen and 3 missed calls from Iris. Just brilliant.
***
It was a miracle she was able to make it to work on time. Stumbling through the doors of the 10 story office building while swatting long wisps of chestnut-colored hair from her face, Caitlin spotted her coworker in the elevator and was able to wave her down just as it began to close. “Oh come on now, put some pep in that step!” a British voice commanded in jest. Caitlin did as she was told, greeting the quirky older woman with a cheek kiss as she joined her in the elevator. “Thanks, Amunet.” she said. “If it was anyone else, I would’ve let it close and been on my merry way,” Amunet responded with a smirk. “You’re lucky I tolerate you, dearie.” Caitlin pressed the elevator button for her floor and acknowledged the statement with a playful eye roll and soft chuckle before responding. “Well you know, I tolerate you too.” Caitlin carefully smoothed down her blouse and tugged at her pencil skirt as the low hum of the elevator signaled their ascent. She’d only been working at S.T.A.R Industries for two months, and still had a lot to prove to both her new superiors and her colleagues. As a bioengineer Caitlin didn’t have much interaction with the sales consultant 10 years her senior, but she’d still see Amunet around and she enjoyed their friendly banter. She admired the blonde’s assertive and outgoing nature, in stark contrast to her own more reserved personality. Mostly, Caitlin was grateful to have another woman in the company to confide in. And she felt comfort in knowing that somebody believed in her. She wished she could say the same for her boss, but he was a man of few words who never really seemed impressed by anyone. His was a case for another time.
Caitlin exchanged her goodbyes with Amunet and stepped out of the elevator onto the tiled floor of the research and data collection wing. She took a deep breath in and slowly exhaled as she began making her way to the cortex for daily check-in. She couldn’t keep letting personal issues get in the way of her work, not when her career meant everything to her. This was going to be a productive work day, and Iris was not going to ruin it for her.
As Caitlin entered the cortex she was immediately greeted by her partner and long-time friend from university, a spunky mechanical engineer named Cisco. “What’s up sister?” he gleefully welcomed her with a gap-toothed grin and open arms. “Same old, same old,” Caitlin replied with a weak smile as she fell into his hug. Sensing distress, Cisco’s face slackened. He pulled back to place a hand on her shoulder in earnest, as dark eyes wide with concern locked with hazel ones. “Hey, don’t sweat it. I’m here if you need anything.” Cisco assured her with a pat. Caitlin squeezed the hand that lay on her shoulder, thanking him for the gesture. “You’re so good to me,” she responded before they both checked in on the company tablet and departed to their respective labs.
The day was long and Caitlin was hard at work synthesizing a chemical that, when paired with the device Cisco was working on, would be able to detect and treat a rare autoimmune disease. It was important work and Caitlin was grateful to have the opportunity to make a difference. Her former employer was bought out by a high-tech weapons supply corporation and Caitlin could not bear the thought of her efforts being used to hurt people, so she left. Cisco was the one who'd put in a good word for her at S.T.A.R. Industries, trusting that her talent would exceed expectations. Caitlin didn’t know where she would be without him. From freshman year of undergrad to 10 years later at 28 years old, Cisco was there for her through every tough exam, every girlfriend, every boyfriend, every shitty job and every identity crisis. He even stuck by her that time she decided on a whim to trade in her usual brunette hair color for an icy blonde. What a phase that was. Cisco was the person Caitlin trusted most in the world, and he was the only one who knew about her massive crush on Iris and what had happened between them. Caitlin planned to keep it that way because if anyone else found out, especially Barry—
“Crap!” In a daze Caitlin had overpoured and spilled hot coffee all over the counter of the break room, barely sparing her own hand in the process. As she frantically searched for a rag to clean the mess, she jumped at the sound of her phone ringing in her pocket. Yanking it from its place and seeing Iris’s contact picture, she cursed silently at herself again. Even though she knew that ignoring Iris would only dig herself a deeper hole, this was not going to happen right now. Caitlin dismissed the call, quickly wiped down the counter and washed her hands. She hastily dried them on the back of her skirt while jogging down the hall back to her lab, realizing halfway there that she was unsure of why she was running or what exactly she was running from.