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He regrets it as soon as he turns his back on her. Regrets it as he rides through the gates of Winterfell into the cold darkness of the night. He wants to turn around, go back to Brienne, to the warmth of her bed and her love. But it feels like something is drawing him away from her, from his happiness, and he is unable to fight it. So he keeps on riding. Keeps on hating himself and his decisions and maybe that’s what he deserves. Maybe he doesn’t deserve to live in peace and be happy. Maybe he deserves to die with his sister. He knows he can’t save her, he might be the stupidest Lannister, but he knew that when he left to ride north. He wants to go back. He can’t bring himself to turn his horse around. So he keeps riding south.
Cersei isn’t listening to anything he says. Refuses to see reason, and why did he even expect anything else? But he still tries, tries to reason with her, tries to escape with her, tries to save her. And fails. The Red Keep is breaking apart, and they’re trapped and he knows they will die and there is nothing he can do. And then everything turns black.
Jaime opens his eyes with a gasp, tries to figure out where he is, but it is dark. It is dark and he can’t breathe and he doesn’t know where he is and how is he not dead?
A hand is running over his chest and his first instinct is to recoil. Get away from Cersei. But it isn’t her. Cersei’s hands feel different, they were never this soft.
And finally, the ringing in his ears subsides and he can hear whispered words in the darkness. A soothing voice telling him to calm down and breathe. “You were just dreaming” over and over again. And it works.
He turns on his right side and grabs Brienne’s arm with his left hand, slides his fingers down the skin until he reaches her hand and squeezes before he lifts his head and looks into her eyes. They’re soft and full of worry and he hates it. Hates that he is the reason for Brienne’s worries.
And then she smiles at him, a small, soft smile that barley curls her lips but he can see it in her eyes and he squeezes her hand again.
He wants to do more, wants to thank her for being here and reminding him of what is real and what isn’t. It was just a dream and - he holds his breath for a second.
“I didn’t leave?” A part of his brain calls him stupid again, of course he didn’t leave, he is lying in bed with Brienne. But he doesn’t know what day it is, how much time had passed. Maybe what he is experiencing right now is just an image his mind produced to soothe him in his final moments.
“No,” she says, furrowing her brows. “Do you want to leave?”
And he could slap himself. “No,” he replies without hesitation. He doesn’t want to leave. He doesn’t want her to think he ever could want to leave. “But I dreamed that I did.”
He shouldn’t have added these words. he should have left it at saying “no” and try and go back to sleep. He hurt her, he knows he did, because she hasn’t look away from him since he opened his eyes, but now she does. Seems to try to put some distance between them, and he wishes he knew how to express himself. How to make her see that him dreaming about it doesn’t mean he wants to do it.
Her right hand in his left goes slack as if she wants to withdraw it and no, this would be too much. He grips her hand almost desperately.
“And it was the worst decision I ever made,” he adds, tries to put everything he can’t find the words to say into his voice. “And then I died.”
Brienne turns her head, meets his eyes with hers, and he can breathe again. She won’t run, won’t make him leave, won’t believe his words mean something he didn’t want them to mean.
“You didn’t die,” she says, raises her left hand from the mattress and puts it on his cheek, caressing it with her thumb.
“But I felt like it.” He can still feel the rubble hitting him, sharp edges cutting into his skin, breaking his bones. Was it really just a dream? Maybe he - his thoughts are interrupted by her lips on his. She is kissing him, gentle and slow, and he can feel the last remnant of dread falling away, leaving him feeling light and happy. He smiles. It interrupts their kiss but he can’t help himself, doesn’t want to stop, why would he want to stop.
“You’re not going to leave?” she asks. His forehead is pressed against hers, her left hand has left his cheek and is running through his hair in a soothing motion. He wishes he could mirror that gesture but her other hand is still holding his hand, their fingers intertwined, and he doesn’t want to let go.
“Why would I leave?” he asks. He doesn’t want her to give him an answer, something she thinks would be a reason for him to leave, so he doesn’t give her a chance to speak. “I left Cersei for good when I came to the North for you.”
Brienne gasps. It is small, almost undetectable and under different circumstances, he wouldn’t have noticed. But there’s almost no space between them, and he notices, and fuck. He never did tell her that, did he? At least not in direct words like this. Sure he told her he came here to serve under her if she had him. But that wasn’t all he meant to say, he just didn’t have the words.
“I came here for you”, he repeats himself, raising their linked hands to press his lips against her skin. “And I’m not leaving unless you tell me to.” He lowers their hands and presses them against his chest, where his heart is beating steadily. “Or come with me,” he adds as an afterthought.
“Okay,” she whispers, her lips curling into a smile and oh he wishes he could see that more often. He wants to see her smile more often, wants to be the reason to see her face lit up with happiness for the rest of his life.
The thought hits him with a force he hadn’t expected, but he can’t do anything except smile back at her, can’t put any of what he is feeling into words. Not right now. Not while she is still running her hand through his hair in a calming motion, slowly but surely lulling him to sleep.
“Okay”, he manages to say, scooting even closer to her and closing his eyes again. For tonight he will sleep.
Brienne watches him in the flickering light of the fireplace, waits until his breathing has evened out before she moves her head slightly higher on her pillow to draw him even closer, rest her chin on the top of his head and close her eyes as well, allowing herself to sleep.