Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was as if it came out of nowhere. No that wasn’t right, it had crept up on him, starting with a heaviness to his limbs, a fog setting in his brain, a tiredness slowly overtaking him, until there was just no energy left. Nothing left. So Matteo just laid there, on his unmade bed where he’d collapsed earlier that morning. He was supposed to meet David at some park over an hour ago. 

He’d gotten up and everything, dragged himself out of bed, out of his room and into the kitchen. All it had taken was a simple “are you ok?” from Hans, and that was it. Matteo had literally felt himself shutting down. Checking out. Switching off. Because Matteo wasn’t ok was he? There was no magic fix or cure all for his stupid brain. So he let the fog take over. He couldn’t even remember answering Hans. He’d just backed away, retreated to his room and fallen onto the bed.

That had been earlier that morning. Hours ago. Hans had checked on him a couple of times earlier, but now he was gone too. His normal functioning brain allowing him to live his life. Not like Matteo, who apparently couldn’t even handle basic questions now. Freaking out over everyday conversation.

He was starting to panic now, his thoughts starting to spiral. He could distantly hear his phone buzzing on the nightstand, but it was too far away. And anyway it was probably David. He was probably angry, Matteo couldn’t even show up on time, Matteo couldn’t even show up at all, because Matteo couldn’t even get out of bed, he was stuck, stuck in this room, on his bed. Stuck staring at the same door Hans had walked out of hours ago. He would rot away in there because-

“Matteo!”

Oh.

David was here. David was probably mad. No that wasn’t right, David wouldn’t be mad with him, he was too kind. He was probably sad, probably tired of seeing Matteo this way. Probably wondering how he could get out of this entire situation. Probably-

“Matteo, can I come in?”

The door wasn’t locked, there was nothing Matteo could do to stop him. He didn’t want to stop him. More than anything he wanted David here with him, he hated being alone with his rapidly spiralling thoughts. At the same time he didn’t want David to see him, laid here like this, so pathetic he couldn’t even call out. He didn’t want to trap him here with him.

“Matteo I’m coming in now ok?”

The door opened slowly and David stepped into the room, closing it softly behind him. Matteo didn’t even blink, just continued to stare at the wall. But the pain in his chest eased a little as David approached the bed.

“Matteo?”

David reached the bed and knelt down beside him, he placed his hand on Matteo’s chin and tilted his head until he was looking at his face. Matteo could feel the fog clearing slightly as he scanned David’s face. He looked devastated, eyes shining, mouth pinched in worry. He was sad, Matteo had made him sad.

“Matteo?” he repeated.

Matteo gasped and the tears started to fall.

“I’m sorry, I- I-”

“None of that,” David whispered, climbing onto the bed and pulling Matteo into his arms. 

Matteo went willingly, allowed David to wrap him up in his arms. David held him tight, almost so tight that he couldn’t breathe, but he needed that, and David knew it. Now that he’d started he couldn’t stop crying, loud choking sobs, gasping for breath. It wasn’t pretty, but David held tight.

“I’m here Matteo, I’m here,” he whispered.

Eventually his sobs subsided, but David continued to rock him gently, until his breathing calmed, and his heart rate slowed to normal. When it had passed and Matteo finally felt like he could breathe again they both ended up laying on their backs. Matteo staring at the ceiling, David with his eyes closed. Matteo turned to him, and tried again.

“David I’m sorry-”

“Matteo please don’t,” David said, opening his eyes and turning to face him.

Now they were laying facing each other, Matteo tried to turn away but David reached out and held him in place.

“I stood you up,” Matteo said.

“Not your fault,” David answered.

“I didn’t even text you. I could hear the phone and I ignored it, I couldn’t even reach out and pick up the phone David,” Matteo argued, he sounded like a whiny child even to his ears.

David looked over at the nightstand.

“It is pretty far away,” he observed.

“Stop fucking humouring me,” Matteo suddenly snapped.

He sat up and pulled away from David. Why was David even still here? Couldn’t he see how Matteo was going to drag him down if he didn’t escape? David didn’t even flinch, just sat up so they were facing each other again. 

“How am I humouring you?” he asked.

“Pretending like everything’s going to be fine. Agreeing with my fucking overdramatics. Allowing me to mope and cry and carry on, all because Hans asked me if I was ok this morning.”

God he was ranting now.

“Are you ok?” David asked.

“No I’m not ok! Obviously I’m not ok I’m- I- I-”

“Breathe,” David reminded him.

“I’m not ok,” Matteo said.

Somehow it was like a statement he’d known all along, and yet brand new information at the same time.

“David I’m not ok,” he repeated.

David reached out and joined their hands together, squeezing tightly and rubbing his thumbs over Matteo’s knuckles.

“Not right now no, but you will be again, I promise you,” he said.

“You can’t know that, what if it’s forever?” Matteo argued.

“It’s a bad day Matteo, you just get more of them than most,” David answered.

“A hundred times more yeah, and now you’re stuck with them too,” Matteo said, but he fell forward into David, who let go of his hands to catch him and pulled him close.

“It’s a bad day Matteo, but that doesn’t mean it will be a bad life,” David said.

“Yeah?”

Because Matteo couldn’t picture it, he would just weigh them down, he would destroy them.

“Yeah of course Matteo. God I know they’re hard, I know you’re in pain and I hate it. I know there’s no easy fix, but Matteo our good days are so good, aren’t they? Even the boring ones are so wonderful. So wonderful that I know it’s going to be a good life, I know it,” David said.

There wasn’t really anything he could say to that except…

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” David whispered, pressing a kiss to his forehead, “are you tired?” he asked, he’d started rocking him again, so gently. God Matteo loved this boy.

“It’s not late enough for bed,” he murmured.

“But are you tired?”

“Yeah, I’m exhausted,” Matteo admitted, exhausted from a day of doing absolutely nothing.

“You’ve had an emotional day,” David said.

That was true. Matteo nodded slowly.

“So let’s sleep a while,” David said, laying them back down, never letting go of Matteo.

“David?” 

“Yeah?”

“I think maybe tomorrow will be another bad day,”

“And we’ll face it tomorrow,” David said simply, raising his hand to run his fingers through Matteo’s hair.

“And David, maybe I need proper help,” Matteo said, halfway to sleep already.

He would never have admitted that if he was fully conscious, but deep down he knew it was true.

“Then we’ll get you help,” David said.

“Only when I’m ready?” Matteo asked.

“Only when you’re ready.”

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

David had Matteo just where he wanted him, where he needed him, spread out beneath him. He was looking up at him, eyes wide with awe, cheeks flushed, mouth parted in a gasp. He was beautiful, everything David could want, and David knew what he wanted, what he could do with him. 

But his mind was elsewhere, back on a conversation they’d had with the boys earlier. They’d all been hanging out, drinking beer, eating cheap pizza, the usual for a Thursday night. And of course the conversation had eventually turned to sex, courtesy of Carlos, regaling them with tales of his and Kiki’s escapades. In a surprising display of cockiness David had been boasting that he and Matteo had sex more than Carlos and Kiki. So what he was competitive? And then the conversation had taken a weird turn.

“You know I still can’t believe you two even…” he trailed off, taking a sip of his beer, but he gestured between Matteo and David, making it fairly clear what he was referring to.

David frowned, unsure what he meant by the comment, but the implication getting his back up anyway.

“What do you mean?” he asked, as calmly as he could manage.

“You know because of…” Carlos trailed off again, not one for full sentences after a few beers. He pointed at Matteo.

Matteo who was ignoring all of them right, not in the mood to talk, or join in, but happy enough to sit in their company. He’d had an appointment with Dr. Hofmann earlier that day and it always left him drained and quieter than usual. He was on his phone, scrolling through some news site, smirking at the screen. The frown faded from David’s face, replaced by a look of confusion, he didn’t know what Carlos meant. 

“Because?” he prompted.

Beside him Matteo sniggered at something funny on the screen.

“C’mon you know what he’s like, he’s so… so ugh about sex, like he always has been, but I thought after you two got together, after he came out it would be better but he still never wants to talk about it,” Carlos complained.

“Dude no one really wants to talk about you and Kiki,” Abdi butted in.

“Haha, but seriously it just always seems like he hates sex, like I for real though he was ace,”  Carlos said. “That means asexual,” he added.

“I know what it means dumbass,” David said, a little snappily.

“We all know what it means,” Jonas said, rolling his eyes. “Just because your girlfriend thinks she’s the voice of the gay community doesn’t mean we’re all idiots. I mean seriously? And Matteo’s not obviously,” Jonas said.

“Thought I was for a while,” Matteo chipped in, before returning his attention to his phone. 

Carlos snapped his fingers, and pointed at him, as if to say I told you so. Jonas glanced at his best friend and shrugged, seemingly unphased by this revelation. David had simply frowned as the conversation moved on…..

And now here he was with Matteo beneath him, but David was frozen, all these doubts were swirling, and he couldn’t get the idea out of his head. Did Matteo even want this? Suddenly this all felt wrong. 

Matteo seemed to notice his inner turmoil.

“What’s wrong?” he asked quietly, reaching out to touch his face, stroking his cheek.

David closed his eyes at the gesture, then he sighed and rolled off his boyfriend. He lay down beside him, turned so he was facing him. Matteo turned to mirror his position.

“Nothing I just… I’m just not feeling it,” he hated lying, but how did he explain this? He would surely freak Matteo out with his thoughts.

“Ok, is it?… Did I do something?” Matteo frowned, chewing his lip nervously.

“No I promise it’s just… I’m probably overthinking things,” David tried to assure him.

“But?”

David sighed, but he knew he would just cause more worry by not talking, if David was an overthinker then Matteo was on another level. And he always turned things on himself, always thought he was in the wrong. David hated that, wished he could go back in time and rescue Matteo from the childhood that had made this boy so quiet, so lonely, and so afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.

“Do you remember earlier? When the boys were over?” David asked.

Matteo frowned, “Mmm?”

“We were all talking and you were playing on your phone,” David said.

Matteo cast his eyes down, embarrassed. 

“Oh sorry-”

“No it’s- that’s not it… Do you remember what we were talking about?” David asked.

“No,” Matteo said, frowning slightly as he tried to remember, but he’d been pretty checked out.

“We were… well Carlos mostly… we were talking about sex,” David told him.

“Lame,” Matteo said, smirking.

“Matteo do you even like sex?” 

“Not with Carlos,” he joked, then he frowned when he realised David was being serious. “What? Why are you asking?”

“Carlos said he thought you were ace… you agreed with him,” David reminded him.

Matteo frowned and shook his head, but he looked confused. It had been a subconscious contribution to the conversation then.

“I didn’t, I don’t remember,” Matteo said, but he didn’t seem upset or freaked out like David had worried. Just more confused than anything.

“Well… are you?” David asked, so quietly. He was almost afraid to hear the answer.

“Obviously not,” Matteo laughed, reaching to grab David’s wrist and rub his thumb over the heel of his hand.

“Matteo…” 

“Hmm?” Matteo looked up to meet his eyes. He still wasn’t freaking out. Maybe David was the one who was freaking out.

“Why did you agree with him?” David asked.

“I dunno, I didn’t know that I had, remember? But I suppose I’d considered at some point, when I was figuring things out, probably before I even met you,” Matteo was obviously trying his best to explain.

“But that’s not… You can’t just… Matteo I’m scared,” David admitted finally.

“Of what?” Matteo asked, he moved his hand from David’s wrist and entwined their fingers.

“Pushing you too far,” David admitted.

“Hah! C’mon David,” Matteo said, rolling his eyes.

“I’m serious Matteo,” David whispered, “sometimes it feels like I make all the decisions, and you’re just going along with it, that’s not… do you even want this?”

“This being sex?” Matteo asked, propping himself up on his elbows, sighing heavily to make it clear to David how much effort he was putting into this conversation.

David’s lips twitched slightly and he nodded.

“Yes David, I want to have sex with you,” Matteo said shaking his head a little.

He seemed to realise how worried David was though because this time he didn’t make a joke, didn’t deflect from the heaviness of the conversation.

“Let me just… let me speak,” he said.

“Ok,” David said.

“Give me a minute, or it won’t make any sense,” Matteo said, closing his eyes for a moment, deciding what to say.

Finally he took a deep breath, David knew he was about to say a lot, he had his full attention.

“I think as a concept sex will always make me a little bit uncomfortable, I don’t know why really. I think it’s maybe something to do with the way I was brought up. A lot of church and talk of sin and all that, and the same at home from mama didn’t help. Like especially this,” Matteo gestured between the two of them.

He rarely talked about church, David knew it was hard for him, remembering all this, wished he could make it easier for him. But he was making his own progress with his complex relationship with God, thanks to Dr Hofmann. Reconnecting with his mother certainly helped him too.

“At best sex was something to never be talked about, at worst it was a sin that I would rot in hell for. Thirteen year old me was not a happy boy,” Matteo said, laughing darkly.

“Did you know then?” David asked.

Matteo tilted his head side to side, pursing his lips.

“I think it was this vague idea that I tried to avoid as long as possible, does that make sense?”

David nodded.

“And so I think because of all this, there will always be this sense of discomfort when it comes to talking about it. Like seriously I don’t get how the guys can literally talk about it all the time. And now they know I’m gay they try to include me, us, which is nice I guess? But it just makes me uncomfortable talking about it with them, because it’s us. It’s our business not theirs, it’s private and ours and-”

“Shit,” David muttered

“Shit?”

“I may have talked about us, and told Carlos that we had sex more than him and Kiki,” David admitted.

To his relief Matteo sniggered.

“You are so competitive,” he teased.

“You’re not upset?”

“No, just because I don’t talk about it doesn’t mean you can’t. Also this can’t be news to them, we’re all over each other all the time, physically I’m fine with it, it’s just a verbal thing really,” Matteo tried to explain.

“And we can’t have Carlos thinking he’s the best at sex in the group,” David explained.

“And you don’t make all the decisions, by the way. You’re lucky if you even make half really. But it’s like… you like to be in control right, you need the choice, to take charge, whereas I’m mostly happy to just go with the flow. But if I wasn’t, if I was uncomfortable, or unhappy I would speak up,” Matteo told him.

“You would?”

“Yes, to you I would, because you listen to me. You hear me. You understand me. I trust you David, because you know something’s wrong before I even say it. When I can’t verbalise, you don’t answer for me, you wait. I don’t think you realise how important that is to me, talking is so hard, so i just don’t bother, I just stay quiet. But with you it’s effortless,” he breathed.

“I…

“Do you even… are you even aware that you’re doing it?”

“No,” he admitted, he listened to Matteo because he wanted to hear him, that was all.

“Well you do,” Matteo said with a shrug.

He watched David carefully, frowning slightly, realising that David still felt unsettled.

“Oh….” was all David could manage. 

And if that wasn’t so close to the exact way that David felt. Matteo was the first person he’d ever trusted like this. He realised that perhaps all this wasn’t just about Matteo but about him too.

Matteo seemed to read his mind.

“Is this really about me? Or is it about you?”

“I… I…”

David rolled over, turning away from Matteo, not shutting him out, just taking a minute to get his thoughts in order.

“It was the same for me,” he admitted finally.

“Hmm?”

“Ok not the same but… I’ve only ever trusted you like this,” he said. “I trust you Matteo, more than I’ve ever trusted anybody.”

“Sucks for you I guess,” Matteo said.

David turned back round so that he could hit him, Matteo just grinned and caught his wrists, rolling so he was on top of him.

“Matteo,” David warned.

“Matteo,” Matteo repeated, in that stupid high voice he did. 

The one David secretly loved.

“Matteo I am trying to have a heartfelt speech here,” David said.

“Ok sorry go ahead,” Matteo said.

He released his wrists and rolled back onto the bed, turning so that he was laying on his back, looking up at the ceiling, David had learnt early on that that meant he was listening. He’d explained it once that basically David’s face was too distracting, but he knew it was because Matteo struggled with focussing a lot of the time.

“For a long time, I thought… well I guess I just assumed I would never have this,” he started.

“Sex?”

“Yeah but even more like…”

Why was this so hard to put into words?

“Intimacy?” Matteo suggested.

“Intimacy,” David repeated, that was better. “Like a relationship. I think maybe I’d gotten so used to the idea that I would always be alone, by my own decision, it’s what I wanted. But the idea of something like this, a relationship, being so intimate, trusting someone like this, was just unimaginable to me,” he said.

Matteo nodded.

“And yeah even the idea of sex was off the table because, I just couldn’t imagine trusting someone like that,” he said.

“Which sucks because you are literally always horny,” Matteo said.

David threw a pillow in his face, and rolled on top of his boy. “I can’t help myself around you,” he said, he was trying to tease Matteo, but his voice came out lower than he’d intended, and Matteo stared up at him.

He was teasing but at the same time it was true, he wanted Matteo all the time, was that too much? Matteo never seemed that way, and that was what scared him. That was what freaked him out after the conversation with Carlos.

“It’s normal,” Matteo said, before David could spiral further.

“What?”

“It’s pretty normal that you want to jump me all the time,” Matteo said.

“Really?”

“Yeah, must be, because I want to jump you all the time,” he said.

“It doesn’t always seem like it, I mean I hadn’t noticed until what Carlos said, but then I started…”

“Overthinking?”

“Yeah,” David agreed.

“That’s my thing though,” Matteo joked.

“You really want to have sex all the time?” David asked.

“Nah most of the time I just want to sleep. But I promise whenever I’m like more than fifty percent awake I’m thinking of sex,” Matteo said, “with you,” he clarified. 

“Noted,” David said, smiling down at him.

“You know whenever we’re alone I’m all over you, even when we’re not at home, I can’t help myself,” Matteo said.

That was true too. Wherever they were, if it was just the two of them Matteo would be constantly touching him, gentle and comforting at first, but often one would start teasing the other, and then things would get heavier, hotter, until they were pushing each other up against the nearest surface. 

Matteo waved a hand in his face.

“So in conclusion, we trust each other, blah blah blah, the end. Can we have sex now?” Matteo demanded.

David grabbed the pillow again, Matteo threw up his hands to defend himself, knowing he would lose this battle. 

“Stop being a little shit,” David warned, raising the pillow higher.

Matteo just grinned up at him, then stuck out his tongue.

“I hate you so much,” David said, but it didn’t sound like it at all.

“You love me so much,” Matteo argued.

“I do,” David said, dropping the pillow to lean down and kiss him. “So much,” he whispered against Matteo’s smile.

Chapter Text

They were fighting. Or that’s what it felt like at least. They hadn’t said a word to each other the entire way home. Matteo supposed David was finally realising how petulant and pathetic he could be, especially when he was jealous. 

They’d been at a party, with David’s uni friends, David had finally decided to invite Matteo along to meet them. Matteo hadn’t even wanted to go, but he was getting a bit fed up of not being invited to these things. David always said it was just lowkey meetups, or that he knew Matteo didn’t like parties, or that he thought Matteo would rather hang out with his own friends. Matteo had gotten the hint.

The party had gone about as well as he’d expected. David’s friends had been smart and cool, and just as into to films and art as David. He understood why David wanted to spend all his time with them. Why he’d rather spend time hanging out with these cool people rather than sitting in silence with Matteo while he got into one of his moods.

He shouldn’t have gone to the party. He could already feel one of these moods coming on. He should’ve just gone to bed, let David go alone. David probably didn’t even want him there. He’d probably just gotten fed up of Matteo’s sulking.

Everyone around him had been smoking, drinking and having fun. Matteo had fingers had been itching to steal the joint out of stupid Felix’s hand. He was the worst one. David’s new best friend, they had all the same classes, did all their group projects together. Matteo hated him. 

Actually he couldn’t even hate him, because Felix was too nice. When David had gone off with Ella to get more drinks for the group, he’d checked in with Matteo, tried to keep him involved in the conversation when all Matteo wanted to do was sit and sulk. It might have been bearable if he’d just been allowed to do that.

Instead he’d told Felix to fuck off right as David and Ella had come back with the drinks and now David hated him. And all his stupid new friends hated him. Hell David would probably tell Jonas and Amira and then all his current friends would realise what a jealous asshole he was. Then he’d be back to square one.

They were almost home now, Matteo had been mostly focused on his feet the entire walk back, but every now and then he glanced up at his surroundings. David was beside him. Silent. Probably figuring out what to do about him. Probably embarrassed that he appeared to be dating a five year old. Probably wondering what the fuck was wrong with his boyfriend. Maybe he was thinking it wasn’t worth it, that it would just be better if he left. Maybe he really would leave-

“Matteo!” David said urgently.

Matteo backed away from him, put his hands up to cover his face, he didn’t want to see David right now, didn’t want to see whatever disgusted expression was on his face. He felt dizzy, his vision was starting to swim.

“Matteo you're holding your breath, Matteo breathe!” David said, pulling his arms away from his face.

That explained the dizziness. Matteo let out his breath, and gulped in fresh air. David kept a hold of his arms steadying him while his breathing evened out and his heart rate slowed back down to normal. David didn’t look angry. David looked upset. In fact David looked as if he was about to cry.

“Why are you sad?” Matteo asked, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer. 

Making David sad was possibly even worse than making David angry.

“Let’s go inside,” David said softly.

He hadn’t even realised they’d made it back to the flat, but he allowed David to take his hand and lead him up the stairs. Why was he being so gentle with him? If he was mad why didn’t he just say something. Unless…

“Are you breaking up with me? Because of what I said to Felix?” 

He clung to David’s hand, desperate now. He would say sorry to Felix, he would do anything to fix this. Why did he have to behave this way? This was why it was better that he didn’t speak. Why had Felix had to push him?

“Matteo no, of course not, lets get inside and talk ok?”

Matteo was frozen on the staircase, he couldn’t bring his feet to move. Even when David pulled at his hand he just stood there.

“Matteo I’m not breaking up with you, I’m not leaving you, I just want to take care of you ok? Let me help you,” David said, he sounded almost desperate with worry.

Matteo nodded and allowed David to pull him up the last few stairs and into the apartment. It was dark when they got in. No one else appeared to be home. It was a Friday night so it made sense that Hans was out. Linn and Mia he was not so sure about, but he didn’t really care right now. This was the most exhausted he’d ever felt. He followed David to his room, and all but collapsed onto the bed.

David lay down beside him.

“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you on the way home, I thought you needed quiet, I thought it was the noise from the party that was stressing you out, not Felix. It wasn’t until Felix text me that I realised he’d upset you. I really didn’t mean to scare you,” David explained.

“I’m sorry for shouting at Felix,” Matteo said.

“Why did you?”

Why did he? Felix had been trying to talk to him, trying to get him to join in conversation. He’d been asking him questions; How was work going? Had he played any new video games? He was being nice and Matteo had shouted in his face because he just wanted him to shut up. He didn’t want to talk. He wanted quiet.

“I didn’t want to talk? I… I don’t even know why he was bothering to talk to me anyway, why any of them were bothering. There all fancy film students and I’m literally kitchen help David, we have nothing in common, and they know it. They know they’re so much better than me, working for their fancy degrees, they know they’re so much better than me and-”

“Oh Matteo, how long have you been feeling this way?” David asked, reaching out to push his hair out of his face.

He stroked his thumb over Matteo’s cheek, rubbing away the tears.

“Pathetic and jealous of all your new smart friends? The ones that are so much better than me, the ones you want to hang out with instead of your pathetic boyfriend? Literally since you started school David,” Matteo admitted.

But he was starting to think maybe he should have said something about this to David before now, not bottle it up and let it fester like he had. He thought he’d learnt that lesson by now.

“You’re not pathetic Matteo, and you’re not even jealous really, just insecure,” David told him.

He reached down and took his hand, squeezing it tight.

“What’s the difference?”

“I’m not a hundred percent sure, but it’s to do with your own self confidence, which is extra low at the moment, isn’t it?” David asked him.

Was it extra low? Matteo wasn’t ever the most confident person in the world, but it had been improving since he’d been working on his mental health. Lately though… insecure, that was how he’d been feeling. Like nothing he did was ever good enough.

“I think I’m going into a depressive episode,” Matteo admitted.

“Matteo I think you might already be in it,” David said gently.

That didn’t make sense, he was only just starting to feel it, since that morning. It had been harder to get out of bed than usual, and he’d snapped at Hans in the kitchen. Because Hans wanted to talk and he never seemed to understand that in the mornings quiet was better. Sofia, his mother’s friend and his boss at the cafe, she’d seemed to notice it too. She’d let him go early. Then there was his mood at the party, those were all the signs.

David seemed to understand what he was thinking.

“I think maybe it came on slower this time, perhaps because Dr Hofmann is helping I don’t know. But you’ve been quiet all week, quieter than normal. I thought you were just tired from work, so I didn’t say anything. But you haven’t been sleeping well, if work was exhausting you, you would just come home and sleep. 

“And you’ve been more stressed, remember when you couldn’t find that jumper, because you’d left it at mine? You got really upset and started panicking really badly. I’m sorry I didn’t notice. And I’m sorry I didn’t notice how insecure you felt about my new friends, I really didn’t mean to make you feel like that,” David said.

Matteo just felt stupid now.

“It’s just you talk about them all the time, and you always hang out with them. But you’ve never invited me to meet them, so I figured you were embarrassed by me, and then that thought stuck with me and I think I twisted it up in my head a bit,” Matteo explained, feeling foolish.

“Matteo no, it’s not that at all, I promise. It’s… to be honest it’s the opposite,” David said, he was blushing slightly.

“The opposite? You’re embarrassed by them?” 

That made no sense at all, David’s new friends were just as cool as David, why would he be embarrassed by them?

“Not embarrassed but… like we’re film nerds Matteo, I thought you might think we were boring,” David said.

Matteo started laughing, it was weak and quiet because of the emotional evening he’d had, but enough to make David grin at him.

“Oh my god this is all so stupid isn’t it?” Matteo said, scrubbing his hand over his face.

He’d been so dramatic over nothing.

“But also as you found out tonight they are all very loud and chatty and I didn’t want to overwhelm you. Your comfort is the most important thing Matteo,” David said.

“Does Felix hate me now?” Matteo asked.

“No one could ever hate you, and Felix is actually worried that you hate him,” David said.

David showed him a text on his phone from Felix, he must have sent it while they were on the way home. Matteo hadn’t even notice David checking his phone.

“Please tell Matteo I’m so sorry. Amelia said I shouldn’t have kept pushing him like that, I kept asking him so many questions, I didn’t notice he was getting uncomfortable but Amelia said he seemed really upset. I was just excited to meet him, I hope he doesn’t hate me now, tell him I’m not so pushy, and that next time I can be chill. I won’t even talk!”

“Oh,” Matteo said.

He was a bit confused to be honest.

“Oh?”

“Why was he excited to meet me?” Matteo asked.

“Matteo I literally talk about you all the time, all my stories, all my ideas, they still come back to you, they all know you’re my muse-”

“Oh my god that’s so gay David!”

David shoved him.

“God I love you,” he muttered, pulling him close and pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

“I’m still not ok,” Matteo said.

“I know, and we’ll keep talking about this ok? When something I do makes you feel insecure I want you to tell me,” David said.

“But-”

“Look if you did something and it upset me, would you rather me tell you, or just let you keep upsetting me over and over?”

“Tell me,” Matteo said. 

The answer was obvious.

“Exactly,” David said.

“But it’s not the same because i’m just being-”

“Matteo if you say pathetic,” David warned.

“Silly?” Matteo tried.

“I think while they may seem like silly insecurities to most, you have to remember that you have depression. The little things seem a lot bigger to you, and people, myself included have to make allowances for that ok? I absolutely don’t mind reassuring you a hundred times a day if it helps you to feel ok. Ok?”

“Ok,” Matteo agreed.

David understood him so well.

“And I think you should talk to Dr Hofmann about this,” he suggested.

“Yeah I text her this afternoon, she’s going to do a phone appointment tomorrow morning, I didn’t think I would be able to get out of bed,” Matteo told him.

“I’m so proud of you Matteo,” David said.

Matteo smiled at him, he knew why. Four months ago he wouldn’t have done that, he would’ve just ignored the signs until they overwhelmed him and he ended up smoking himself into a stupor, just to make it bearable. Now he was acknowledging those signs, taking action, before they consumed him. Granted it still seemed like an impossible task, and clearly this time he’d missed some, but he still felt better, felt like ultimately he had a lot more control over his life.

~~~~

Two weeks later Matteo was finally feeling back to himself, he was still drained still tired,but overall he was getting there. He was back at work. Sofia was only letting him work mornings, and even then she was hovering over him, checking in on him every twenty minutes. She was as bad as his mother to be honest, but he didn’t mind.

Now he was supposed to be meeting David and his uni friends for lunch. But he was nervous. He hadn’t seen Felix since the party and despite David’s reassurances he couldn’t help shake the feeling that this guy probably though he was an absolute prick-

“Matteo! Matteo over here!”

Ok maybe not, Felix was waving him over to patch of grass they’d claimed. They were outside the school, because they still had classes that afternoon, it was only Matteo who was free for the rest of the day.

He walked over and sat down next to David, who smiled and wrapped an arm around his waist, Matteo leant against him.

“Er hi…” Matteo felt so awkward, everyone was looking at him. “Er… Felix I’m so-”

“Forget it, I was being annoying, you can tell me to fuck off whenever you want,” Felix said.

“But I shouldn’t have yelled,” Matteo said.

“It was barely yelling, I think you blowing it all out of proportion in your head,” Amelia said.

“Yeah I do tend to do that,” Matteo admitted.

David stroked his hand up and down Matteo’s back, encouraging him to continue.

“And I’m not really… I don’t always want to talk, but I’m happy enough to just sit with you all, if that makes sense,” He tried to explain.

“That’s fortunate because none of us ever get to talk because Felix never shuts up!” Ella exclaimed.

“Fuck you!” Felix shouted, feigning outrage.

“Oh and I brought food,” Matteo said.

 Matteo reached into his rucksack and pulled out the boxes of antipasti, ravioli, risotto, and pizza breads he’d made at the cafe that morning.

The boxes were snatched out of his hand instantly and the hungry film students dug in enthusiastically.

“Oh my god, we’re keeping you,” Amelia said.

“Where did you even get this? It’s so good!” Felix demanded, his mouth full of food.

“I er… I made it,” Matteo informed him.

“You made it?” Felix asked.

Matteo just nodded.

“Oh my god,” Felix muttered as he kept eating, “you need to marry this boy David,” he said pointing his fork at David.

David just laughed but Matteo flushed bright red and buried his head in David’s shoulder.

“Are you not eating?” David asked him.

“Not really hungry,” Matteo said

“Because you’ve been eating all morning?”

David knew him so well.

“I get hungry when I cook,” Matteo said defensively.

“Doing ok?” David asked quietly

There was no need to whisper though, no one was paying them any attention, too busy focusing on the food.

“Yeah I really I am. This is nice, hanging out with your friends, helping their reputation, making them feel cool,” Matteo said.

“Excuse me, just to be clear we are film nerds but you are not cool either Matteo Florenzi!”

“Cooler than you lot,” Matteo argued.

David grabbed him and tried to tackle him, but Matteo managed to get himself into David’s lap and sat firm. David rolled his eyes, but wrapped his arms around him again. He pressed a kiss to his temple.

“I’m so glad your doing better,” he whispered.

“Me too,” Matteo said quietly.

And he was, today was a good day. Tomorrow might not be, but he was finally starting to realise that David probably wasn’t just going to up and leave because he got in a bad mood. And neither were his friends for that matter. And David’s film nerd friends might just stay too. Matteo was ok, today at least.

Chapter Text

Matteo had been in the longest and worst depressive episode David had witnessed. It was the worst Hans or Jonas had witnessed. He hadn’t even been this bad when his dad had finally left for Italy. His mama kept telling them it would pass, that it would end. David wasn’t sure if it was because she spoke from her own experiences, or because she’d witnessed Matteo like this. He didn’t ask.

The doctors had upped his dosage of antidepressants, and then told them they just had to wait it out. So that’s what they did.

Meanwhile the past month and a half Matteo had only left the room to go to the bathroom. He’d spent the rest of his time laying in bed, although every now and then David would find him crying in the corner of the room, and have to lead him gently back to the bed. It broke his heart to watch his boyfriend so lifeless, so devastatingly sad, so lost. 

One night, two weeks ago, the scariest night he’d ever experienced, he woke up to find Matteo out on the balcony, half dressed, just standing there frozen. When David had approached him Matteo had just stared at him, tears streaming down his face, it was like he was staring straight through David. David had seen this vacant expression on Matteo’s face before, but something about it scared him that time. 

But that fear was nothing compared to what he was feeling right now. Because Matteo was missing and no one knew where he was. When David had got to his apartment he’d found his phone abandoned on the floor by the bed. David’s heart had seized in his chest and the panic set in immediately. Because if Matteo didn’t have his phone, David had no way of finding him.

He’d just gone, left the apartment for the first time in over a month. Without a word to anybody. David didn’t even know how he’d gotten away.

He stayed with Matteo as much as his schedule would allow. When he wasn’t there Jonas, Hanna, Amira, or Hans would stay with him. So he was never alone, unless he couldn’t stand the company. Then someone would stay outside the room instead.

So how had he gotten past them? Jonas was supposed to be watching over him, but he’d been in the bathroom. Two minutes had been all it had taken for Matteo to disappear. Jonas had run out of the apartment as soon as he’d realised, run out into the street without shoes, but it was to late, Matteo was nowhere to be found.

He was there now, pacing the living room.

“Where could he have gone?” he demanded, clearly frustrated.

“I don’t know Jonas,” David said trying to stay calm.

“Do you even care?” He yelled.

David knew Jonas wasn’t angry at him, that he was blaming himself and his guilt was making him frustrated.

“Of course I care-”

“Because you seem pretty fucking calm-”

“I care Jonas, just let me think… please,” David insisted.

He ran his hand through his hair. David ran through possible scenarios. Where would Matteo go? How did you find someone when they didn’t have their phone? How was he feeling? Why had he left? And the worst question of all, what was he planning to do?

This was a bad episode, and for the first time David started to think Matteo wasn’t strong enough to get through this. The idea terrified him.

David had been starting to think it would never end, he hoped that Matteo hadn’t lost hope, but he was losing hope how the hell could Matteo keep going? He was scared. He’d never been so scared in his life.

Jonas was yelling that he could hurt himself when suddenly David was taken back to a conversation they’d had, almost a year ago. They’d been laying in bed, Matteo just coming out of a far milder episode, around the time they’d gotten back from their road trip. Just before he’d started therapy. He struggled to adjust to being back, and the idea that now the trip was over he had to start making decisions about his life.

He’d slipped into a depressive state for a few days and David had been there, just been there with him until it passed. It was the first time he’d witnessed it first hand.

“If you had to die how would you do it?” Matteo asked him, out of nowhere.

“Had to die?”

“You know what I mean David,” Matteo said shrugging.

He was staring up at the ceiling, refusing to look at him. David tried to reach out and turn him toward him, but Matteo wouldn’t budge.

“Matteo?”

“Nevermind,” he said, sighing.

He thought David didn’t understand what he meant. But David always understood him, he was just afraid of knowing this, knowing Matteo’s darkest thoughts, the thoughts that plagued his mind on days like this.

“I’ve never thought about it,” David said quietly.

“Never?” Matteo said.

David hated that he seemed so surprised, that this was such a typical thought for him.

“No I… not really,” he said.

“That’s good,” Matteo said softly.

They were quiet for a few minutes.

“Do you think about it a lot?” David asked.

“Sometimes… when I get like this,” Matteo admitted.

“Have you ever…” 

David almost didn’t want to know. But he had to, he knew he had to.

Matteo was quiet for a while.

“I don’t know,” he said finally.

“You don’t know?” David asked, confused.

“I don’t know if it counts,” Matteo said.

“What?”

“All the weed, the drinking, the cigarettes, not eating properly. Hoping that I just don’t wake up, that my liver or kidneys or lungs just finally give up on me,” Matteo explained.

“It counts, Matteo that counts,” David said, grabbing him and pulling him close.

He didn’t care if Matteo didn’t want to be held, he needed to feel him in his arms.

“Then yeah, I guess I have,” Matteo admitted into David’s shoulder.

“We’ll work on that then yeah, work out a way to cope better, we’ll get you help ok?”

It hadn’t come up again, David hoped he’d talked about it with Zoe. He desperately tried not to monitor Matteo, just observe his drinking and smoking. Check he was eating but never push. 

“He won’t do anything,” David said, but it sounded unsure even to his ears.

“You know that how?” Jonas asked.

He was terrified, just like David.

“I know Matteo,” David said. 

This sounded surer because it was true, if he knew anything he knew Matteo. But Matteo wasn’t himself right now.

“No offence David-”

“I know Matteo, and I know how he thinks,” David insisted.

“I think we need to call the police,” Jonas suggested.

“I just-”

David’s phone rang, it was an unknown number. David frowned but answered it.

“Hello,”

“David..” Matteo breathed down the line.

“Matteo where are you? Who’s phone is this?”

Jonas’ head snapped up and he tried to get closer to the phone but David held him back. The last thing Matteo needed was Jonas yelling down the phone. It wasn’t Jonas’ fault of course, he was terrified. And understandably so. But right now Matteo needed calm.

“I don’t know- I don’t know where I am. I’m on a bridge, David… I’m so scared. I’m losing my mind. A man gave me his phone, he’s looking at me like I’m crazy. David I… I need you here… now….”

David could hear someone talking in the background, shouting.

“Leave me alone!” Matteo screamed.

David’s heart almost stopped.

“Matteo please, ignore the man, he doesn’t want to hurt you. But I need you to tell me where you are, ”

David shoved his feet into his shoes, and grabbed his keys and was out of the door before Jonas even knew what was going on.

“I don’t know where I am, where am I?”

David heard the voice in the background shouting again, but he couldn’t make out what was being said.

“I’m over the river, on a bridge, David I’m scared,” he cried.

The man in the background was shouting again.

“I’m on the bridge past Spree park,” Matteo said.

And David knew where he was, they’d been on that bridge before, climbed up on it in the middle of the night. On a happier day. Christ how had Matteo even gotten that far across town? 

David set of at a run, he had to get to Matteo. He kept the phone connected, every now and then he heard Matteo tell the passerby to stay back. But david couldn’t run and talk. Couldn’t try to reassure him, whilst he flew across town.

As he ran he remembered the last time they were there. Neither boy had been able to sleep so they’d ended up wandering the streets, in the middle of the night. They’d come upon the bridge and David had immediately wanted to climb up. Matteo not so much. But he had done, because David had wanted to. He’d clung to him the entire time, as they stood up there on the ledge looking out over the water. It had been beautiful.

Tears streamed down David’s face as he ran. He was so afraid he wouldn’t reach him in time. He just had to keep going.

“Matteo!” He cried out, when he reached the bridge.

A man approached him.

“Are you David?”

“Yes I-”

“I’m Ben. I was just driving by. I didn’t know what to do, he said he would come down if I gave him my phone. But then I couldn’t call for help. I couldn’t leave him,” the man rambled.

“I’m not going to jump… I’m not,” Matteo called down.

But he was up on the ledge wobbling dangerously. David felt like he was going to throw up. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to get his breathing under control. He disconnected the call and pocketed his phone.

When he could breathe again he approached the ledge.

“Don’t,” Ben said. “We need to get help, call the police,” he insisted.

“I’m here to help him, I’m here to take you home Matteo,” David called up to him

“David I can’t move,” Matteo cried pitifully.

David climbed up beside him, and finally took him in. He was stood there on the edge of the ledge, tears streaming down his face, his arms were down by his side, hands open. He swayed where he stood. He was still in his pyjamas, shivering violently. David started to cry again, at the devastating picture he painted.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo whispered.

David edged closer, trusting that Matteo wasn’t going to jump, but still worried about either of them falling. He shrugged off his jacket, and wrapped it round Matteo’s shoulders.

“Can I hold your hand?”

Matteo nodded, desperately and reached out. The minute David’s hand touched his, he gripped it tight, clinging to him.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated.

“What for?” David asked gently.

“Making you cry, ruining your life, not being better, I’m just not getting better,” Matteo cried.

“Matteo it’s not your fault, you’re not well but it will pass. I promise you it will pass,” David told him.

“David I can’t bear it anymore, I just want it to be over, I… I can’t see any other way,” Matteo said.

He didn’t look at him, continued to stare out over the water. 

David gripped Matteo’s hand even tighter, he was probably hurting him, but Matteo didn’t pull away from him.

“I don’t know what to do,” David admitted, “I don’t know how to help you.”

Matteo looked at him suddenly 

“You can’t,” he said, frowning, “David this isn’t your fault.”

“It’s not yours either,” David countered.

Matteo swayed dangerously, clearly exhausted, if they didn’t get down he would fall David realised. 

“Matteo we need to get down,” David said.

“I can’t move,” Matteo told him.

“Then I’m gonna pull us down, ok? Do you trust me?”

“Always,” Matteo whispered.

David let go of Matteo just briefly so he could turn around, then placed an arm around his waist. 

He took a deep breath then he jumped down pulling Matteo with him. They landed clumsily and awkwardly, David on his knees, Matteo on his back but the way David had hold of him stopped him hitting his head. David ignored the pain in his knees and his hands, sitting up and pulling Matteo into him, clinging to him desperately.

He couldn’t help it he burst into tears, screaming out his frustration, drowning out the sounds of Matteo’s constant apologies. He didn’t know how long they sat there crying but finally his sobs subsided. When he finally quieted down, all he could hear were Matteo’s apologies.

“Please stop apologising Matteo,” he said gently.

Matteo nodded. 

“Can we go home?”

David had never felt so relieved. He squeezed Matteo tightly, then pulled them up. 

He stepped back and turned to Ben, the passerby.

“Could you-

“I’ll drive you home,” he said gently, “take your time.”

His face was wet with tears at what he’d just witnessed. David carefully took the phone from Matteo’s hand and gave it back to Ben. Ben took it and went to start the car. David would text Jonas once they were in the car.  

David turned back to Matteo. They were going to have some bad bruises in the morning. But right now he didn’t care. He had Matteo safe in his arms and he didn’t plan on letting him go. He had no idea what they were going to do, no idea how they were going to beat this. Matteo was possibly going to have to go to the hospital this time. But that was a problem for tomorrow. Right now they were going to go home, curl up in bed and not let go of each other until the morning.

David couldn’t help feeling that things were going to be better. That this was the absolute lowest point of the episode and that it could only go up from here. He looked at Matteo, and he stared right back, but this time David could tell he was seeing him. There was guilt and shame in his eyes, but they were clear and focused. David reached out and gently stroked Matteo’s face. He stepped forward and pressed their foreheads together. They just stood there breathing each other in.

“We’re going to be ok, you hear me? I’m here, this will pass, and we have all the time in the world to wait it out,” David said.

At that Matteo closed his eyes, and finally stopped shaking.

Chapter Text

Something was bothering Matteo, and David didn’t know what. He’d gone over to the WG earlier that day and found Matteo out on the balcony, smoking. That in itself wasn’t too unusual, what was unsettling was the state of his room, Matteo’s possessions strewn around everywhere, smashed beer bottles laying where they’d been flung against the walls.

David had cleared up the glass while Matteo stared at him through the door, he left everything else for Matteo, willing to help him if he wanted it. Not wanting to overstep and move his stuff. But he couldn’t leave the glass there, not with the state Matteo was clearly in.

Matteo just continued to stare at him when he’d stepped out onto the balcony, not saying a word, just shrugging when David asked him if he was ok. So David had talked, told him about his day, how Laura wanted him over for dinner soon, how his Uni application was going. Matteo hadn’t responded much, the occasional shrug or grunt. Then suddenly, just as it was getting dark Matteo had turned to him, the first time that night that his attention was actually focussed on David, and told him he was going to the party at Kiki and Carlos’ place.

So that’s where they were, at a party. David hadn’t wanted to go, thought it would be best if they stayed at home, until whatever was bothering Matteo passed. But he couldn’t force Matteo to stay in his room, especially when it looked like a hurricane had torn through it.

As soon as they stepped into the apartment David knew they’d made a mistake. The music was too loud, there were too many people crowding around them. Matteo had started fidgeting instantly. David was about to grab his hand, pull him away, take him back to his and Laura’s apartment where it was calm and quiet. Where he could talk to Matteo, find out what was going on with him. But Matteo had just wandered off, just walked into the crowd.

So David was standing against the wall, talking to Leonie, but watching Matteo like a hawk.

“What’s going on with you?” Leonie asked, starting to get frustrated at his one word answers and shrugs.

“Hmmm?”

“You seem so distracted,” she said. 

“Just…” he trailed off, frowning as he stared at Matteo, he really didn’t know what to do here.

Calming him down when he was stressed he could do, reminding him things would be ok when he was upset, that he could do. But this, how did he even get through to Matteo when he was like this?

Leonie turned to see what he was looking at, saw Matteo and smiled.

“Ah, just can’t keep your eyes off him huh?”

David shook his head.

“No it’s not that, I…” David didn’t know how to explain it.

She looked back at Matteo again, and this time she frowned, her expression starting to mirror David’s.

“Is he ok?” Leonie asked.

He was standing in the middle of the crowd, everyone around him moving, laughing, dancing, and he was just standing there stock still staring at nothing.

“I don’t know,” David admitted.

“Shit.”

They continued to watch him, uneasy.

After a minute Matteo looked down at something in his hand. David frowned, he couldn’t tell what it was. Then Matteo put his hand to his mouth and David realised what was happening.

“Did you see that? He just-”

But David was off, he charged into the crowd, grabbing Matteo’s wrist and pulling him through the mass of people, not stopping until they were outside.

“What the hell Matteo!” he yelled.

Matteo flinched, and it was the first time he’d actually responded to David all night. David hated himself for yelling, but he was scared.

“What?” he mumbled, his voice scratchy from not speaking all evening.

“What did you take? What did you just take Matteo?”

David grabbed his shoulders and shook him.

“Just a Xanax, calm down,” Matteo mumbled, looking at the ground.

“Calm down? Are you serious? How many?”

Matteo shrugged and pulled away from him, stepping back.

“How many Matteo?” David demanded, running his hand through his hair.

“I dunno, like three… four,” he guessed

“Four?” David was really starting to panic now. 

“I took two earlier, at the apartment, but then I ran out,” Matteo admitted.

“Christ,” David muttered, pulling out his phone.

Matteo stared at him, blinking slowly, confused.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“Looking it up,” David muttered as he typed Xanax overdose into the search bar.

He needed to know whether or not he needed to take Matteo to the hospital.

“It’s fine David I’ve taken like ten before,” Matteo said, pushing at the phone, trying to get him to put it away.

“Matteo that doesn’t help, god ,” he said.

He took ahold of Matteo’s wrist to keep him still, and clicked through the articles on his phone. He knew it would be hard to get Matteo to the hospital, he would fight David hard, and probably hate him for it. Plus he didn’t know what kind of trouble they would get in.

The internet seemed to suggest that he needed to watch Matteo for signs of drowsiness, confusion, slurring his words. But he seemed ok, if anything he was almost more focussed. David didn’t know what to do.

“Can we go home?” Matteo murmured.

“Do you have any more?” David asked.

“Um…”

David held out his hand.

“Give them to me please,” he said.

Matteo rolled his eyes but handed over the little bottle to David. David held his other hand out to Matteo, who took it, watching him warily.

“Where are we going?” he asked quietly.

“My place,” David said. 

He knew he was being short, but he couldn’t help it, he was stressed.

“Are you mad at me?”

David sighed.

“No… yes… I just don’t get how you could be so reckless,” he said.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo said.

But Matteo was always sorry, it was his default response. David hated it. Hated that he always felt like he was in the wrong, and constantly apologising.

“Are you?”

“Yeah,” he said.

“Why?” David asked.

“Because you’re mad,” Matteo said.

“Exactly,” David said.

“David I don’t understand,” Matteo said.

“I know. Let’s just get you home,” David said.

He squeezed his hand and carried on walking. They walked the rest of the way in silence. David knew his lack of speech was worrying Matteo, but he didn’t want to say anything. He didn’t think he could without getting mad. So he stayed quiet.

Thankfully Laura was still out when they got back. David herded Matteo into his room, and closed the door behind them.

“Are you going to yell at me now?” Matteo asked, shrugging off his jacket and throwing it on the chair.

He eyed the bed but remained standing in the middle of the room.

“No Matteo,” David said quietly.

He honestly wasn’t mad at Matteo, he was mad at the situation, and that it was out of his control. He hated losing control.

Matteo nodded, staring down at his feet.

“How are you feeling?” David asked.

“Tired,” Matteo mumbled.

“Dizzy? Confused? Do you feel sick?”

“David I haven’t od'd will you stop fussing?” Matteo muttered. 

David didn’t know whether to trust him or not. Matteo seemed fine really, calmer than usual if anything. He supposed that was the drugs though.

“Look I’m tired, I’m going to bed,” Matteo said, throwing off his hoodie and flopping onto the bed.

“I don’t know if you should sleep,” David said.

He really didn’t know what to do here, he was scared.

“Well I’m going to. Look I’m fine, I just needed a little help to calm down, just let it go,” he said, turning away from him.

David just stared at him. He didn’t know this Matteo, who didn’t care at all that he was upset, couldn’t even seem to understand how scared he was. Was this the drugs? Or was this just another side to Matteo he hadn’t yet seen?

He let Matteo fall asleep, knowing he wouldn’t sleep at all. He settled on a chair by the bed so he could watch him, check his breathing, his pulse, at regular intervals.

He pulled out his phone and returned to the article about Xanax overdose. It was going to be a long night.

Matteo groaned as he woke up, startling David where he was still dozing in the chair. He stood up and walked over to the bed.

“Morning,” he said, sitting down beside him.

“Shit,” Matteo grumbled, rubbing his hands over his face hard enough to hurt.

“Are you gonna be sick?” David asked, looking around for his wastepaper bin.

Matteo shook his head slowly.

“Drink this,” David said, handing him a bottle of water from the bedside table.

Matteo took it and gulped it down.

“You’re mad at me,” he mumbled.

“No I’m not mad Matteo. I’m scared,” David said.

Matteo frowned.

“Scared?”

“You took Xanax Matteo, I looked up the pills you gave me online, according to the bottle it was the strongest dosage? But it was from some dealer right? So it could’ve been anything, we don’t even know what it really was. You could’ve od’d. I stayed up all night watching you, terrified you were going to stop breathing. I just… I need to understand what was going through your head, why you did that,” David said.

He’d been going over it all night in his head. He had to understand.

“I just wanted to chill out,” Matteo said.

“No Matteo, because you’ve trashed your room. You went to a party, bought drugs from a dealer and took fucking Xanax washed down with beer. And then you informed me that you usually take even more, so no Matteo this was not just chilling out,” he said.

“I was just feeling stressed, I wanted to forget things for a while,” he said, looking anywhere but at David.

It was clear he didn't want to have this conversation, that he’d rather just drop it, but David wasn’t going to let that happen.

“Stressed about what?” he asked gently.

“It doesn't matter,” Matteo said.

“It does, if it drove you to this it matters,” David said.

Matteo sighed.

“Just shit with my dad, it’s just shit with him,” he said.

“What shit?”

“He just... he rang and he was going on about me. And why wasn’t I going to uni and stuff? It’s just his usual bullshit, it’s not a big deal, I was just overreacting,” Matteo said.

That made things a lot clearer for David. He hadn’t ever met Matteo’s father but he hated the man. He didn’t know if he would be able to hold his tongue if he ever met him. Hell he didn’t know if he would be able to refrain from punching him. Yes the drugs were an overreaction, but his feelings, the stress, the panic, and the frustration were valid. Matteo just need to find better ways to handle it.

He moved closer to Matteo, and took both his hands in his.

“Matteo, you’re allowed to get upset about this,” he said.

“No I-”

“Matteo yes you are, you don’t need to keep it all in, ok? And you don’t need to avoid it with drugs ok?”

“Ok,” Matteo said, nodding.

“So next time you're upset like this just talk to me, don’t just reach for the drugs, yeah?” David said.

“Ok,” he agreed.

David sighed and pulled Matteo into his arms, he hoped he would never have to go through something like that again.

The matter didn't come up again for another month, David hadn’t forgotten about it, but he figured the matter was settled, Matteo talked to him when he was upset, when something was bothering him, he didn’t need those distractions anymore, or so David thought.

The panic attack came out of nowhere, one minute they were playing video games, him, Jonas, Carlos and Matteo, the next minute Matteo was on the floor, gasping for breath.

David was on it in a second, sat in front of Matteo, talking him down. He took Matteo’s hands and placed them against his chest so that he could match his breathing.

Jonas and Carlos watched on nervously as their friend struggled to breathe, to catch his breath. Watched him sitting there gasping, clutching at David with tears running down his face, as David tried to talk him down.

When Matteo’s breathing was under control, he pushed David away, and dragged himself up.

“Where are you going?” David asked, watching Matteo head to his room.

He followed Matteo, and Jonas followed him.

“Matteo what are you doing?” David asked, but he had his suspicions.

His suspicions were confirmed when Matteo pulled out a box and started rummaging around. He pulled out a bottle of pills. David sighed.

“Matteo no,” David said.

“David,” Jonas warned.

“I need… I just need,” Matteo was muttering, looking wildly around the room.

“Give them to me,” David said.

Matteo stared at him.

“Matteo give them to me,” David repeated.

He handed them over and David placed them on the table.

“You don’t need them ok, you-”

“David-”

“He’s fine Jonas, he doesn’t need it, we’re going to go out there and we’re going to talk through what happened and forget about those,” he said, pointing at the bottle.

David led Matteo out of the bedroom and back into the living room, they sat back down on the sofa. Jonas sat back down with Carlos on the opposite sofa.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” David asked gently.

Matteo shook his head.

“When you’re ready then,” David said, rubbing his arm.

“Er… should we… should we keep playing?” Carlos asked.

David supposed they should, maybe it would be a good distraction.

“I don’t want to play a fucking game!” Matteo spat.

Carlos just stared at him. Jonas looked afraid, but resigned at the same time. He’d seen this before. David hadn’t, he flinched away from Matteo, he couldn’t help it. All three boys stared at him as he launched himself up from the sofa and began to pace the room.

“I don’t want to play a fucking game,” he repeated, muttering to himself this time.

“Matteo?” David said gently.

“I don’t want to fucking talk about it! I don’t want to drag it up and fucking dissect every little fucking detail. I want to forget it, don’t you understand? I want- I want,” he began to pat himself down.

When David realised he was looking for something to smoke, he sighed.

“Matteo,” he said, trying to distract him.

Matteo stared at him, and for the first time he was a little afraid, the wild look on Matteo’s face when he realised David wasn’t going to let him take anything, was terrifying.

But then Matteo lifted his hands to his hair and began to pull at it violently. At the same time he started screaming through his clenched teeth. David realised the panic attack hadn’t ended, or it wasn’t even a panic attack, it was something else and he was really out of his depth here.

And now David was afraid, truly afraid, because Matteo wasn’t going to hurt any of them, he was going to hurt himself.

His hands dropped to his arms and he began to scratch at them, so hard he drew blood.

“Matteo? Matteo!”

David grabbed his hands.

“Stop it!”

“Please, David please I need to shut it off, just for an hour, please!”

David stared at him, he didn’t even understand until Jonas handed him the bottle of pills. David frowned down at them in his hand for a long time before handing the bottle to Matteo. He didn’t even hesitate, pouring them into his hand, David counted at least seven before he was swallowing them down dry. David winced but didn’t pull away from him, he turned to Jonas.

“He can’t just stop David,” Jonas said gently.

“But…”

“You can’t just fix him, that’s not how it works,” he explained.

“I know, I’m not trying to fix him, I’m trying to help him.

“He needs real help, professional help, but until he’s ready, until he’s willing to deal with it, you can’t really do anything” Jonas said, sadly.

David realised that Jonas had probably been dealing with this a long time. David had completely misread things, thinking Jonas didn’t care when he handed over the pills. It wasn’t that at all, Jonas had been doing this long enough to know, that he didn’t have any other choice.

“Stop fucking talking about me like I’m not here,” Matteo muttered.

“Sorry Luigi,” Jonas said.

Matteo glared at them for a moment, before pulling away from David and walking over to the other sofa and throwing himself down next to Carlos. Carlos just nodded and offered the controller to Matteo, who shook his head and laid back closing his eyes.

“Ok bro?” he asked.

Matteo just shrugged. 

Again David was shocked, Carlos seemed completely unphased by the nights developments, but when David looked again, he saw that his hands were shaking on the controller. 

David sighed and sat down next to Jonas, opposite Matteo. It was going to be another long night. He turned to Jonas, about to speak.

“We’ll stay,” Jonas said.

“Thanks,” David said.

They sat there in silence just watching Matteo for any signs of danger. But he just sat there still as a statue.

“He’s asleep,” Carlos told them, after a while.

“I just… I don’t know what to do, David admitted.

“I think you just gotta be there for him man,” Carlos suggested.

“So you’re okay with this?”

“No but-”

“Look David I’m not condoning what he’s doing but if it helps him, shouldn’t we-”

“No Jonas its dangerous, he’s an addict,” David said.

He ran a hand through his hair, couldn’t they see what a problem this was?

“He’s not an addict, he only takes them when he needs,” Jonas said.

“You’re in denial god,” David said. 

He wanted to scream.

“I think David’s right, or at least he’s going that way, he was pretty desperate just then,” Carlos said.

“Exactly,” David agreed.

“Like I get that he needs them, but maybe there are better ways to deal with this. Or at least have them prescribed by a professional,” Carlos said.

“Good luck with that, I’ve been telling Matteo to see the doctor for years,” Jonas said.

They all looked over at him. David wanted to cry, he stared at his boyfriend, all traces of his earlier anger gone, just laying there he looked so peaceful.

What the hell was he going to do?

The boys finally left around five in the morning, after David promised them he would update them as soon as the situation changed.

David had swapped with Carlos in the middle of the night, and pulled Matteo until they were laying together, he hadn’t stirred once. But his breathing was steady, David had checked it constantly.

“I’m sorry,” David whispered into Matteo’s hair.

The sun was beginning to rise, bathing Matteo’s face in light, he looked so beautiful, so peaceful. David stroked his face, he didn’t want to wake him, to disturb his sleep, but he needed him. He needed to know he was ok. Matteo’s eyes fluttered open and he looked up at David,.

“I’m sorry,” David repeated.

Matteo stared for a moment, still waking up.

“For what?” he mumbled.

“For just bulldozing over your feelings. For trying to fix you without even helping,” David whispered.

“You were just worried about me,” Matteo said.

He sighed and snuggled closer.

“Yeah but, I literally just said stop taking the drugs and just talk to me. I totally ignored how you were feeling and I’m just so sorry,” David said.

He squeezed Matteo tightly, he never wanted to let him go.

“You were just trying to help,” Matteo said.

“But it didn’t help,” David argued.

He moved his arms now, running his hands through Matteo’s hair.

“I’m sorry let it get this bad,” Matteo said, his eyes were closed again, but David could tell he wasn’t sleepy, he was focussing. He was figuring out what to say.

David reached down and squeezed him again then pushed him upright. They needed to talk this through and he wanted to be sitting up for it.

“No its not your fault. I just... you can't just take them ok? You can’t. You’re taking so many. Look I looked it up, you have to start slow and build up to dosages like this,” David explained.

Matteo frowned down at his hands.

“But I did?” he said.

“Matteo pouring the bottle out into your hand and downing the contents is not building up, it's not dosing correctly,” he said.

“But I’ve been taking it years, I know what I’m doing, I promise,” Matteo said.

It was then that David realised how deep this problem went, he could laugh at himself, for thinking he’d fixed it. That a quick chat and a promise was enough to solve a problem that went back as far as this. Hell he hadn’t even asked Matteo how long this had been going on, he’d assumed it was recent, the last six months at most.

“Talk to me, I’ll listen this time, I promise,” David said.

Matteo shook his head.

“You always listen,” he argued.

“Not before I was too panicked, I wanted it over,” David admitted.

He hadn’t let Matteo talk at all, he should have pushed then, made him have the horrible conversation right then and there, things would be further along.

“I wouldn’t have told you anyway,” Matteo said, shrugging.

“Will you tell me now?”

Matteo nodded slowly, and turned to face him. David mirrored him, and reached out to hold his hands.

“I looked it up…”

David nodded, encouraging Matteo to continue. This was going to be a difficult conversation for both of them.

“I was maybe fourteen?”

David winced but stayed silent.

“I’d just had a panic attack, I’d had like four that day, but this one was so bad I threw up. I couldn’t bear it. It was everyday by this point, and I knew I couldn’t go on much longer,” he said.

“But drugs though? Couldn’t you have spoken to someone, talked to a teacher or someone?” David asked.

“How David? Papa kept fucking off to Italy. If school... if anyone found out what it was like, they would’ve locked up mama for neglect. They would have taken me away. And it wasn’t her fault, she needed me David, she needed me, I- I-”

David squeezed his hands.

“That was stupid of me to suggest, carry on,” David said.

“Carry on?”

He looked so confused and lost, his eyes wide and shining with unshed tears.

“You were having panic attacks,” David prompted.

“Yeah. So I googled like how to stop panic attacks and it was all therapy and doctors and stuff,” Matteo explained.

David started to see where this was going.

“And that was no good?”

Matteo nodded, relieved that David was starting to understand.

“Exactly so I looked up medication to stop panic attacks instead, and xanax was the top hit,” Matteo said.

“And then?”

“I just found a dealer online, bought some, and now here we are I guess,” Matteo said, shrugging.

He’d done what he’d had to do. David almost couldn’t believe it.

“Just like that?” 

Matteo shrugged again.

“I did it properly, I found out the dosage instructions online,” he said.

David wanted to cry, just imagining a fourteen year old Matteo, so wound up with his anxiety, so trapped in his home situation, that he was driven to drug dealers just to get some reprieve. God anything could have happened to him. He could have overdosed, he could have been hurt, it was amazing that he’d made it through that relatively unscathed. But then he wasn’t, David realised, the harm had been done, it just wasn’t visible.

“It doesn’t work so much anymore,” Matteo said.

“You need more and more,” David agreed.

“It’s not going to get any better is it? Like I guess there’s only really one outcome of this, eventually I’m gonna end up swallowing a whole bottle, and then well...”

David shuddered, he refused to even think about that. That was not Matteo’s only option.

“Matteo, I really think it would be good for you to talk to someone,” David said.

“You have, haven’t you?” Matteo said.

“Yeah, I didn’t want to either at first, I thought it was all just a bullshit process, and I mean obviously it is, the hoops I have to jump through, but Anke my therapist gets that too, she’s really great. I still see her every few months,” David said.

Matteo still looked worried.

“But would I have to tell them everything?” he asked.

David didn’t understand what he meant.

“Everything?”

“Everything that happened. Like I'm eighteen now right? So they couldn’t call social services and stuff?”

“I don’t know,” David admitted, “Matteo is this what's stopping you getting help?”

“No. Yes. A bit. I just. I don’t want to talk about everything, but I do, at the same time I know I need to tell someone so badly I want to scream. I can’t tell you-”

“You can-”

“No, I mean yes I know, and I will, but like I want a doctor to tell me that it wasn’t ok. Since I was twelve I wanted someone to help me. To see that I was drowning. To tell me that I shouldn’t have had to handle all that shit as a child. That my parents were fucking terrible and should never have been allowed to have me, that it would be better for me if I had never been born, that-”

David let go of his hands and pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around him. 

“Matteo no,” he whispered, “That is not true, ok? I for one am so glad you were born.”

“If papa… if he’d just supported her, we would have been ok, but…she'll get in trouble I think… if I tell them,” he said.

“Actually I think your father will, not your mum,” David said.

Afterall Matteo’s father had left his son, essentially alone, if his mother was unfit to take care of him. Matteo stared at him.

“Yeah?”

“I’m pretty sure it’s neglect. Also when I left home, when I ran away I was underage so my parents should have gotten in trouble. But Anke never made me do anything about that. I think unless they think it will help you, it’s best to leave some things alone, and punishing your mum, for not being well enough to take care of you would do far more harm than good,” David told him.

“Do you promise?”

“I can’t promise that, but I’m pretty sure of it,” David said.

David finally felt Matteo relaxing against him, he could almost feel the relief. He hoped he wasn’t wrong about this, but he was sure they wouldn’t do anything. Any therapist would see the harm that would do to Matteo’s mental state. Matteo sighed, almost resigned to his fate.

“Will you help me?” he asked quietly.

“Help you?”

“Find someone to talk to,” Matteo explained.

“Of course,” David said, it went without saying, they were in this together.

“I don’t want to do it now. Do we have to do it now?” Matteo asked, pressing himself harder against David, as it he could hide there forever.

David squeezed him back.

“No, today we are going to go to your room and stay in bed all day. You’re still coming down so you need to rest. I’ll even charm Hans into making breakfast so you don’t have to, if he won’t then I’ll make toast. And then we can just spend all day in your bed, and watching shitty youtube videos-”

“Hey I like those!” Matteo exclaimed.

“I know,” David whispered.

He pressed a kiss to Matteo’s forehead, his temples, his cheeks, his neck, just below his ear. He stroked his hand over Matteo’s face, just proving to himself that he was really here, that they’d made it through the night. He leant forward and pressed their foreheads together, and closed his eyes, just breathing him in. 

After a few minutes Matteo started to get fed up, he pulled back and tilted his head, asking for a kiss. David couldn’t do anything but oblige, who was he to deny this boy anything? He took Matteo’s face in his hands, cradling it so gently. He leant forward and kissed him softly, slowly, tenderly, over and over. His moved his hands and tangled them in Matteo’s hair, holding him closer still. 

After the evening they’d just had David couldn’t help but feel a little desperate, just trying to reassure himself that Matteo was here with him. He’d been so scared and the relief he felt now, now he knew he could help Matteo to help himself, just made him want to lose himself in Matteo for as long as possible. So he did. Together they had all the time in the world, and right now he was going to kiss this boy for as long as he’d let him.

Chapter Text

Matteo was drunk, and not the good kind of drunk. He’d lost track of how many beers he’d put away, plus the vodka Jonas kept offering him. Jonas was slumped against him now, even drunker than him. Carlos and Abdi were on his other side, Carlos trying to give Abdi sex tips or something, Matteo didn’t care. All he cared about right now was David, and the girl he was talking to. The girl who kept rubbing her hand up and down his boyfriend's arm. Squeezing it every now and then as she threw her head back and laughed, flicking her hair.

David was smiling at her, at first Matteo thought he was just humouring her, but it’d been like ten minutes and David hadn’t walked away. He’d only gone to get more beers. He was supposed to be spending time with Matteo, they hadn’t seen each other all week. David had been at school literally all the time. With her. Sophie, Matteo thought her name was, he had seen her all over David’s instagram. She’d liked all his posts, left dumb comments, smileys and hearts. Except on the posts Matteo was in. He wasn’t stupid, he knew what she was playing at. 

Matteo watched as she squeezed David’s arm again, then she lent up on her toes, swaying slightly, and pressed a kiss to David’s lips. Matteo watched it all happen as if it were in slow motion, and then he was up quicker than he’d ever moved before, not even Jonas could grab him, and he was pushing through the crowd, he had to get out of there. It was too hot, too loud. His skin was crawling.

People wouldn’t get out of his way, it was like they didn't realise his life was falling apart. They didn’t even notice.

Matteo heard Jonas calling his name, but he couldn’t turn around, he needed to get out. He was going to be sick, he was hot and cold, sweating. He couldn’t stop shaking. Finally he was outside, he stood there in the street for a moment and then he ran, no destination in mind he just needed to get away from this place, from David and the girl, leave them to make out while his heart broke, shattered into a million pieces.

He only made it two streets before he collapsed against a wall, slumping down to the floor. He’d never been one for running, David had tried a couple of times, to get him to go with him in the mornings. But his balance was always off and he ended up stumbling and tripping more than running. Matteo supposed Sophie could probably run, maybe her and David could go together, every morning. She’d probably be a great girlfriend, she could probably get up in the mornings, without whining.

Matteo let his head fall into his hands and began to cry. It wasn’t pretty, loud ugly sobs, he was a mess. But what else was new?

He heard heavy footsteps, running towards him, then past him. Matteo held his breath, he didn't want to be found. It was probably Jonas. He didn't want to see him right now, didn’t want him to see how pathetic he was.

“Matteo!”

Oh. It was David. Why was he here? Why had he left the party? He sounded worried, which didn’t make any sense.

“Matteo!” he called out again.

But Matteo couldn’t speak, couldn’t find his voice, he was frozen, watching as David looked around wildly, searching for him. It didn't matter, it was like David had a sixth sense sometimes when it came to Matteo. He turned around and looked directly at him, pausing for a moment, just staring at him, taking him in, face wrought with worry. Then the spell broke and he ran at Matteo, dropping down to his knees in front of him.

“Oh Matteo, oh please don’t cry, please,” David whispered.

“It’s ok I’m fine, don’t worry about me. You go back to the party, go back to Sophie, I'm fine,” Matteo said, scrubbing at his face, trying to rub away the tears.

David gently pulled his hands away from his face and didn’t let go, holding him tight. The pressure felt good, Matteo started to feel a little calmer. He was still upset, but less panicky.

“Matteo stop, stop it ok?” 

David kept dipping his head, trying to make eye contact with him. 

“I don’t want to go back to the party, and I certainly don’t want to go back to Sophie,” David said.

“She kissed you,” Matteo whispered.

“She did, I didn’t want her to though, and she was pretty drunk but that’s no excuse,” David explained patiently.

“You were talking to her for ages,” Matteo mumbled, still looking down at his hands in David’s.

“It was only about five minutes,” David said, he dipped his head again, pressing his forehead against Matteo’s.

“It was my five minutes,” Matteo whined, before realising how pathetic he sounded. “Sorry," he mumbled.

“No you’re right. Tonight was the first night we’ve had off together, we shouldn’t have gone to the stupid party. We should’ve stayed in,” David said, releasing his hands, and shifting so he was sat down beside him.

Matteo dropped his head to his shoulder and sighed.

“Why did we go then?”

“You’ve been in all week, I just thought I should try and get you out of the house. It was stupid,” David explained.

“Yeah.”

“We should’ve stayed in,” David repeated, sadly.

“Can we go home?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah, come on,” David said.

He stood up and helped Matteo up, he wrapped an arm around Matteo’s waist and they began to walk.

“I didn’t want her to kiss me, you know that right?” David asked.

Matteo shrugged and didn’t answer.

“Matteo,” David pressed.

“But she’s so smart and pretty, and she’s in all your classes, and all over your instagram, and she could probably go running with you, and she wouldn’t even fall over and-”

“Matteo, stop ok?” David said gently, “do you want to know what I think of Sophie?” he asked.

“Not really,” Matteo muttered.

“She’s annoying, and so full of herself, and she thinks she’s smarter than Professor Becker. Imagine that, smarter than Becker. I honestly didn’t even want to talk to her, but I couldn’t get away. She wouldn’t shut up honestly,” David explained. 

“Oh,” Matteo mumbled, he lent heavily against David, feeling exhausted from everything.

David squeezed him tighter.

“Ok?”

“I’m just being stupid?” Matteo asked.

“No not stupid. Your fears and insecurities are valid. I hate that you feel like this, it makes me so sad to see you this way,” David said.

“Sorry,” Matteo muttered.

“No it’s not your fault, just… I love you ok? I need you to know that,” David insisted, sounding desperate for Matteo to get it.

“I do it’s just sometimes there’s this voice in my head that makes me doubt it. That you can’t possibly love me, because well look at me,” Matteo said.

David squeezed him tightly as they walked along. He was practically taking all of Matteo’s body weight, but he didn’t seem to mind.

“I will tell you a hundred times a day if I have to, just to drown out that fucking voice in your head, until it’s so quiet and pathetic that you can laugh at it ok?”

“Ok, Matteo murmured.

“Now lets get home, and hide away from the world, we can lock ourselves away for the entire weekend, I promise,” David said.

Matteo just nodded and let David lead him home. 

When Matteo woke up the next day his head was pounding, his mouth was dry and he felt like he was going to throw up. He closed his eyes against the light, the curtains were drawn so it was dim but still too bright for his head. He reached out for David, wanting to pull him closer, but he came up empty. He opened his eyes and realised he was alone in the bed. 

On the bedside table there was a note, propped up against a bottle of water, a box of painkillers in front of it. Matteo takes a couple of the pills then grabbed the note.

Matteo,

Hope you slept well, I just had to pop into Uni for a couple of hours should be back this afternoon, I promise.

Love you,

David.

Matteo scowled and screwed up the note, chucking it across the room. He’d figured after last night perhaps David might want to spend a little time with him, but clearly he’d misread things. He’d promised they would spend the entire weekend together.

He flopped back down onto the bed, there was no point getting up. Today was going to be a write off. He closed his eyes and drifted off again, he was going to sleep the entire weekend and hopefully wake up in a better mood on Monday.

Half an hour later his phone pinged. He reached out for it slowly after a few minutes. It was a text from David. Coordinates. He tossed it aside, not in the mood for one of David’s games right now. He closed his eyes again.

However not even ten minutes later Jonas was barging into the room, shouting and yelling.

“Up Luigi! Up!” He yelled, pulling away the blankets.

“Fuck off!” Matteo muttered.

Jonas pulled him upright and tossed some clothes at him. 

“Get up, we’re going out,” Jonas said.

“We fucking are not,” Matteo said, trying to pull the blankets back.

Jonas held firm.

“I will drag you in your pyjamas don’t think I won’t,” Jonas said, grinning at him.

Matteo blinked blearily at him. There was a determined expression on his face and Matteo realised he wasn’t going to leave. He sighed and changed into the clothes Jonas had thrown at him.

When he was dressed, Jonas allowed him to go into the bathroom and clean himself up. Matteo could hardly be bothered, but he splashed his face and brushed his teeth to get rid of the taste of beer.

When he stepped out Jonas placed his hands on Matteo’s shoulder’s pushing him toward the door. Matteo shrugged him off.

“I’m coming ok? Stop pushing,” Matteo said.

“Sorry I’m excited,” Jonas said, practically bouncing him down the stairs.

“Where are we going?” Matteo asked.

“Here,” Jonas said, showing him coordinates on his phone.

What was David up to? Did he even care? Honestly Matteo just wanted to sleep.

“Jonas I’m not in the mood,” Matteo said.

“You will be,” Jonas promised.

So Matteo allowed himself to be pulled along for almost an hour, grumbling that his feet hurt, that was tired, that he was hungry. Jonas wouldn’t even let them stop for food. Eventually they stopped in front of some abandoned old building, it was crumbling, and Matteo was pretty sure it was about to collapse.

Jonas smiled clearly proud of himself.

“I’m not going in,” Matteo muttered, “it’s dark.”

“Scared?” Jonas asked.

Matteo shrugged. “Not scared, but also not keen on getting lost in there.”

“If you’re scared I’ll hold your hand,” David said, appearing out of nowhere.

“Not scared,” Matteo mumbled, but he took the hand David offered him.

“See you later boys,” Jonas said, as David led Matteo into the building.

“What is this place?” Matteo asked.

“It’s an old cinema, abandoned since the seventies,” David explained.

“Then why are we here?” Matteo asked, trying not to stumble over the broken furniture.

“I thought we could watch a movie,” David said.

“It’s abandoned,” Matteo argued.

“I know, that means we have the place all to ourselves,” David said, leading him deeper into the building. 

He seemed to know where he was going, which was good because Matteo couldn’t see a thing. He clung tightly to David who steadied him every time he stumbled.

Then he let go of Matteo’s hand to push open a heavy old wooden door, he stepped inside and motioned for Matteo to follow him. Matteo did and stopped dead almost immediately. His breath caught in his chest. He blinked rapidly to stop the tears from falling.

“Oh,” he whispered.

They were inside the old auditorium, it was in quite a state of disrepair, half the chairs missing, the curtains long gone. Light shining in slightly where some of the blackout boards had fallen away. But it didn’t matter, because  David had covered the entire room in string lights. In the middle of the room, where most of the chairs were missing, David had set out blankets tons of pillows. There were boxes of food and cans of soda. It was a perfect picnic.

Matteo followed David to the blankets and sat down, when he gestured. David sat down beside him.

“Ok?”

Matteo nodded, he couldn’t speak.

“I thought we could have a little picnic, don’t worry, Laura helped make the food. But first I wanted to show you something. It’s not even close to finished, but this has been what's been taking up all my time at school. It’s my first project and I just wanted it to be perfect because well you’ll see…”

David got out a little projector and clicked it onto his phone, setting it up to project onto the big screen. It was small, only filling a quarter of the screen, but Matteo had to admit it gave a cool effect. He knew nothing of aesthetics, but this was pretty awesome. 

David sat down behind Matteo, his legs either side of his waist, cradling him and allowing him to sit upright but lean against him. 

“It’s called Alone ,” David said.

The film opened to a shaky video of a young boy dressed in black swinging on a swing set. He was by himself. A determined look on his face. There were other children in the park, running around having fun. But the boy was alone.

David’s voice came out from the speaker.

For most of my life I have been alone. Sure I had my parents, I had some school friends but we were never that close, just the outcasts thrown together because no one else wanted to be friends with us. But nobody has ever understood me, Laura my sister, has tried desperately bless her and I love her so much for it. But I’ve always felt alone. Even surrounded by a hundred people…

The film cut to the same boy with wild messy hair, blowing out birthday candles, he looked lost surrounded by parcels wrapped in pink. Everyone around him was laughing and clapping. But the boy looked sad. Matteo knew this feeling. 

“I cut my hair myself,” David whispered into his ear.

“I can tell,” Matteo said, smiling and leaning further back against David.

The video cut again to David playing football with a group of kids, but he was still slightly off, slightly on the outside of the other kids.

I told myself everyday that I didn't care until I eventually convinced myself that it was true. 

It cut to a photo of David and Laura, Laura sister squeezing him tight, David scowling, but amused.

I started to push away those who did care, those who were trying their hardest to understand. I had a plan, to finish school and go, never look back and then...

A picture of Matteo, slumped over leaning against the brick walls at school, staring at nothing.

Then some asshole came along and told me that being alone was the worst thing in the world…

A video clip of Matteo sleeping, that first Saturday they spent together, late in the afternoon. In his sleep he reached out for David.

That was all it took, my years of beliefs shattered by a sad lonely boy... 

Then Matteo’s face filled the screen, he was lying on his bed, David was kneeling over him, filming from his phone, trying to get him to sing. Matteo was just pulling faces.

Behind him David wrapped an arm around him, pressing a kiss to his cheek, mirroring the video on the screen now, where they swayed and danced without music.

He's not quite right of course, being alone is horrible, it's lonely and sad and makes the days so hard sometimes. I never realised how hard back then until things became easier with Matteo, now there were two of us to face the world. 

But there are worse things than being alone, logically I know this. And I would survive and I would cope if I were alone again. And so would Matteo, he's a lot stronger than people think. But God I hope I never have to, because I never want to be alone again. 

The screen faded to black.

“It’s not finished, I have more I want to add, and I need to sort out the voice overs and stuff, but er… can you see what I’m trying to say?” David asked, sounding shy.

Matteo burst into tears.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! I’ve been so petty and begrudging you for working so hard and getting all stupid and jealous thinking you were just having fun with your new friends and-”

“Hey now, hey,” David hushed him. “This was not to make you feel guilty, ok? Don’t cry. I’ve been keeping secrets, not bad ones, but it’s understandable that you were upset. I should’ve known really. I know how you overthink things but I just got so excited because I'd had this perfect idea, all I wanted was to make a movie about you,” he explained.

“And I ruined the surprise,” Matteo said.

“No no.. I had to tell you soon anyway, the film is like half about you, more than really. I can’t show that in class without asking you first. I’m not gonna lie, none of today was planned, I was just going to show you when it was a bit better. A bit closer to ready, you know? Because I figured it would take a lot of convincing.”

Matteo stayed quiet, snuggling closer into David’s arms.

“I should’ve told you what I was doing,” David murmured, pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

“No you shouldn’t, I’m just being stupid and paranoid,” Matteo said,

“Stop it, don’t dismiss your feelings, I want you to tell me when you feel like this ok?” David insisted.

“Ok,” Matteo said.

“And I promise to keep you in the loop about what I’m doing, and if it’s something I want to surprise you with? Then that’s what I'll tell you ok? And if I get too caught up in it, tell me. You’re allowed to complain Matteo. I know you think that you can’t but you can ok? If something upsets you I want you to tell me,” David insisted.

“But…”

“If you upset me, would you want me to tell you?”

“Yeah but that’s like a given,” Matteo said.

“No it’s really not Matteo, it’s really not,” David said, he sounded so sad.

He squeezed him tight, pressing a kiss to his temple. Matteo sank into him, loving the pressure. He felt so safe. The building could fall down around them and he wouldn’t care.

“I know you don’t exactly have any good examples of what a healthy relationship should look like, and you’ve normalised a lot of bad behaviours. They’re going to take years to unlearn, but you are good enough for me ok? No you are perfect for me. I love you, so much, you are not a burden or too difficult or any of the stupid shit your brain tells you. To me you are perfect,” David said, with pure conviction in his voice.

Matteo couldn’t help but believe him.

Chapter Text

David needed to go to school, he’d already missed three days and he was getting behind. Soon he wasn’t going to be able to catch up. He had two script projects and a short film due at the end of the month and he hadn’t worked on them in days.

But he couldn’t leave Matteo alone, he was currently sitting in a chair beside the bed. Matteo was finally sleeping after crying all night. David hadn’t left his side, they’d tried having Jonas stay with him. Amira had offered and so had Hans, but Matteo couldn’t bear their company. They all understood, he was depressed, he needed things a certain way right now. He thought that he was better alone, and any of them staying with him made it feel worse.

Jonas had come in quietly ready to sit with him while David went to class, but he’d gently asked Matteo how he was doing. He’d completely broken down and screamed for Jonas to leave, asked to be alone. Jonas had left looking devastated. 

David had asked if Matteo would let Amira or Hans stay instead and Matteo had told him to just leave him alone to suffer by himself. David hadn’t done that, of course, knew that Matteo absolutely didn’t want to be alone. Knew that David’s company was all he could stand. David knew if he really wanted him to leave him alone he wouldn’t cling to him so tightly whenever David moved.

He also knew this would pass and Matteo would let the others in again but he had no idea how long that would be. And he knew that Matteo would be devastated when he realised how much time he’d kept David here and it would take a lot of convincing to make him understand that there was nowhere David would rather be. 

There was a soft knock at the door. 

“It’s Hanna can I come in?”

"Yeah,” David said, his voice cracking from lack of use. 

The door opened and Hanna entered cautiously. She approached the bed and sat down beside Matteo who stirred but didn’t wake. She lent over and gently brushed his sweaty hair from his face. 

"I can sit with him while you go to school,” she offered. 

"He’s not really… he won’t let anyone else stay,” David explained. 

Hanna nodded and shook Matteo’s shoulder gently, waking him. He blinked blearily at them 

"David needs to go to school for a bit, so I’m going to keep you company,” she told him.

David noted it wasn’t phrased as a question and he was unsure how he felt about it, but it was said gently enough that Matteo still had space to argue. To his surprise Matteo just turned over so that his head was now resting in Hanna’s lap. She continued to stroke his hair and he fell back asleep. 

“Thank you so much,” David whispered. 

He got up from the chair groaning at the stiffness of his joints and headed to the shower. When he came back clean and dressed Matteo was awake and crying again but Hanna was unphased, continuing to stroke his hair and sing softly. She nodded to him.

“Don’t worry I got this,” she insisted. 

She’d obviously done this before. But there was no time to ask right now, he smiled at her, pressed a kiss to Matteo’s forehead and headed out. He hated this, hated leaving him, but he had to get on with things. Matteo would hate that he was putting his life on hold.

When he got back six hours later Hanna and Matteo hadn’t moved. They were in exactly the same position as when he’d left, except their eyes were closed now, both sleeping. David left the pizzas he’d picked up on the bed and went to grab some drinks and napkins.

“Hey,” he said softly when he walked back into the room.

Hanna blinked awake.

“Oh hey, what time is it?” she asked.

“About six,” David told her.

“Ugh.”

She stretched and gently pushed Matteo off her lap, he sniffled a little but stayed sleeping.

“Bathroom,” she said getting up and heading out of the room.

David went over to Matteo, but decided not to wake him, he seemed peaceful for the first time in days. David wasn’t going to disturb that.

Instead he sat down gently beside him. Hanna came back into the room 

“Oh my god food, thank you!” she said, reaching out to grab a slice. “I was going to cook but I guess I fell asleep,” she said.

“Thank you for today,” David said.

“It’s no problem,” she said.

“You’ve done this before,” David guessed.

“Yeah,” she said.

She didn’t elaborate, so David waited.

“A lot actually, not always like this, but…”

She was quiet for a while, a distant worried expression on her face.

“The first time was in the summer before we started high school. I don’t remember where Jonas was, on holiday perhaps, but I don’t think he would’ve gone to Jonas anyway. I don’t know. Anyway as per usual his parents had been fighting, or yelling at each other. Which is bad enough,” she started.

David nodded, knowing the effect it had had on Matteo and how sensitive it had left him to loud noises.

“So Matteo’s dad stormed out, his mum broke down, the usual. He’d dealt with this a lot by now, but I think he was just exhausted by it, his mum had a particularly bad attack and he was just trapped in that house with her for days. He just showed up at mine it must have been three am, and he was just on my doorstep, in his pyjamas, crying his eyes out. He’d walked across town like that. I’d never seen him so lost,” she told him, her eyes shining from the memory.

“What did you do?”

“This, just sat with him, held him until he could calm down. That’s all you can do, he’s strong enough to pull himself out, he just needs time, and comfort really,” she explained.

“You love him very much,” David said.

“Of course,” she said.

“Even after everything he did?” David asked.

“Does he still worry about that?” she asked, frowning.

“Sometimes,” David said.

“I’ll talk to him again,” she said, “he’s one of my oldest friends, I forgave him ages ago,” she said.

“Maybe he should bring it up with his therapist,” David suggested.

“How he struggles to forgive himself?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Stop talking about me,” Matteo muttered, his voice muffled by the pillow.

“Sorry Teo,” David murmured.

“Doing ok?” Hanna asked.

“No. Obviously,” he said into the pillow.

“Obviously,” Hanna repeated.

“I’m still tired,” he said.

“We’ll let you sleep then,” David said, stroking his hair.

“Ok. Thank you for today Hanna,” Matteo said.

“No problem, I’ll be back tomorrow,” she told him.

She waited.

“Ok,” Matteo said.

“Thank you,” David mouthed.

Hanna just smiled and David understood why Matteo had gone to her years ago. He was glad she was here with him.

Chapter Text

David had always been a jealous guy. Ever since he was a small child. Jealous of the boys at school who had what he wanted, what he needed. Jealous of the girls who didn’t hate their bodies, didn’t feel the same way he did and could just fit. Jealous of all of them and way they all fit themselves exactly so. He hated it. He envied the way the teachers, their parents addressed them correctly. It wasn’t fair the way they grew into their bodies while his own grew into something else, something that wasn’t his own. It was a constant feeling, simmering under the surface. He’d come to understand what it was, why it was, and over the years it had eased somewhat. It was always there though, at the back of his mind, just something he had to ignore.

There were other things he was jealous of too. He used to be so jealous of Laura and the way their parents saw her exactly right. Didn’t question her. Saw her as exactly who she was but when it came to him they mistook him for someone else. And refused to see it differently no matter how many times he fought them on it. 

Laura always saw him. Laura always loved him for exactly who he was. Without question or hesitation. He was her little brother and he always would be. She was his family and all he needed. That tempered the jealousy he felt, it was hard to hold onto when he loved her so much. She chose him every time, he needn’t be jealous of her. She was his true family.

He’d been jealous of Matteo too when they’d first met. Or a bit before that. When everything seemed so easy to him, his relationship with Sara, his easy friendships. Upon first glance, everything about him seemed perfect. Sure he seemed a little quiet, a little lost but his life had to be a far cry from the mess that David’s was. 

Wasn’t that the furthest thing from the truth? Matteo had his own struggles and plenty of them, his life was not perfect, far from it. Because nothing was ever as simple as it appeared at first glance. 

What he’d mistaken for easy-going was actually apathy and depression. It seemed like he didn’t have a care in the world because he couldn’t bring himself to, because he buried all his worries deep down and hid from them. His relationship with Sara nothing but a cover for his sexuality, a way of running from it, a way to keep from dealing with it. His friendships were real but under so much strain because keeping secrets put a burden on them. He couldn’t be honest with his friends so he couldn’t open up and share his worries. It was almost as if they weren’t friendships at all. David had been jealous for only a few moments of a person who didn’t exist.

It had been after that heart-stopping moment where they ran into each other in the corridor and their eyes had met. David had almost died right then and there. He’d never felt so drawn to a person. All he’d wanted to do was turn around. He’d just about kept his cool but since that moment Matteo had been everywhere. David was good at keeping his head down, going unnoticed but there’d been a few close calls where he’d almost got caught staring. Not by Matteo but other students. Because he had been staring. Watching Matteo with his friends, draping himself over them and over various items of furniture. Seen him with Sara, following her around. Seen him wandering the corridors seemingly without a care in the world. He’d seemed so untouchable then. 

Then they’d met for real and all that jealousy faded with the first few sentences they shared.  He saw Matteo for real in just a moment and that had been it. He was sweet. He was quiet, soft-spoken. He seemed shy but David was sure he was flirting. The jealousy was gone in an instant. Replaced with want like he’d never known before. When Sara walked in and kissed him he wasn’t even jealous of her, surprised maybe but not jealous. It was obvious to him that Matteo would rather be doing anything else. Everyone else seemed blind to it but he saw. He knew. 

After that, he’d had to try so hard to keep reminding himself that Matteo was untouchable, that he couldn’t have him. He was no longer jealous he just wanted. Wanted more than he’d ever wanted before. But he couldn’t resist, kept going back time and time again. And Matteo showed him it was ok to want. That he didn’t need to be jealous. He could have these things he wanted. He could have Matteo. Sweet, honest, Matteo who always got so amused when David talked about what he thought of him before they’d met. When David showed him sketches he’d made of the boy in the corridor with the sad eyes.

So David was no stranger to jealousy. He’d never known jealousy like this though. Everything before this had been underlying, something he would just bottle up until he could ignore it. Until it passed. A low simmering bitterness that he hoped would fade over the years as he finally became comfortable with who he was. And it had. He was more comfortable, more confident, he thought he was mostly over it. He thought now that he’d made it to film school, found a group of friends who shared his interests and friends in his own community he could be above jealousy. He thought now that he was happy with Matteo this wouldn’t happen anymore. 

This jealousy was something else. This was explosive and hot, at the forefront of his mind constantly. It made him angry, short-tempered and mean. The cause? Fynn Martin, Matteo’s new best friend or god knows what he was now. Matteo was probably with him right now. He’d driven him away after all.

Matteo had probably gone running straight into his arms, scared off by David. He’d fucked it all up now. Because he was just a jealous, bitter, shitty boyfriend. 

It all started when Matteo started uni. He’d taken a year off, worked and gotten himself on track. He’d been doing so well that he thought he was ready to try school again. He knew what he wanted now. So he applied and got in after a few assessments and now he was studying child psychology. David couldn’t be prouder. This was what he was meant to do. 

He was supposed to help people. There was no other path for him. His kind, gentle, patient boyfriend was the perfect candidate to be a therapist or a counsellor for struggling kids. Not because he’d been through it himself, suffering a difficult and troubled childhood. Or because his mental health was something he had to work at harder than others. No this suited him because he listened. Matteo listened to people better than anyone he’d ever met, had unmatchable levels of emotional intelligence, was empathetic to a fault. He would be perfect at this.

David had done nothing but encourage him. Knew he could do it. So did all their friends. 

And he could, he was doing well. He was going to succeed.

But it was a big jump and he’d struggled to settle in. Struggled to get used to the structure and the deadlines. It was different to school, he had a lot more independence, was expected to arrange his time efficiently and while he could it was a big adjustment. 

He started getting overwhelmed with it all and not speaking up. Just suffering in silence and exhausting himself. David noticed but he needn’t have worried. Professor Maxwell, his personal tutor and his Foundations of Psychology lecturer had seen it immediately. It was her training after all. It’s why her students loved her, she took the time with them to make sure they all figured out their own way of learning that would work for her. 

She’d pulled him aside and made him talk to her, told him he wasn’t going to be successful if he didn’t speak up when things got hard. So he had. Had told her how he’d struggled to prioritise his assignments, struggled to focus on them. Found the class sizes overwhelming and found it really difficult to focus on the material at the same time as she was talking. She’d drawn him up a learning plan in minutes. He now got the lecture materials in advanced. She helped him communicate with his other professors so that as well as deadlines they helped him weight and prioritise each assignment. And then she asked golden boy and top third-year student Fynn Martin to study with him, mentor him and keep him on track.

Perfect Fynn had hit it off with Matteo immediately. And now they were thick as thieves. They studied together, hung out and talked about their shared interests. Attended optional lectures for fun. Even Jonas had noticed although he was more amused than anything else. David was not amused.

Matteo said they were just friends but Fynn very obviously wanted more, he flirted with Matteo constantly, touched him all the time. He was always hugging him. He was all over him and Matteo was a tactile guy, responded in kind which only encouraged him.

Fynn was tall, handsome, and smart. He had this stupid perfect swoopy brown hair that fell just so across his forehead. He seemed so charming and harmless. David knew better, he’d set his sights on Matteo and it was only a matter of time before Matteo saw what he was missing. Saw how Fynn wanted him and realised how much of a better option he was than David. 

David supposed Fynn didn’t get jealous like this. Probably didn't have to. He was perfect, what was there to be jealous of for him? He could win Matteo away from him easily. He didn’t have to wait for his body to match his brain. He didn’t have to try so hard it almost killed him, just to be his true self. He had everything and he still wanted Matteo and he would win. He knew he would. 

David had ignored it as best as he could, bottling up for weeks but of course he couldn’t contain it. Not forever. Matteo had noticed eventually, had tried to engage him tried to get him to talk. But David had told him he needed space, time and, of course, Matteo had obliged. He’d learnt his lesson there. He hated himself for using that excuse. Knew Matteo was scared he was going to be pushed away again but he couldn’t help it.

It was all to no avail. He’d blown up, of course, he had. He couldn’t wait any longer for Matteo to leave him. So he’d done what he did best. Second, only to running away he pushed, pushed at him until he left. 

Matteo had come home from class buzzing and happy and David remembered when he used to make Matteo that happy. Something in him had snapped. Matteo had suggested they have dinner. He’d said no. Knowing what he was like Matteo had suggested they go for a walk, get him out of the apartment. David had said no. Matteo asked him if he wanted to watch a movie. He’d said no, that he had to study. Matteo asked if they could study together and he’d snapped, he told him to fuck off and go study with Fynn.

He’d never seen that look of hurt on his boyfriend’s face before. Never wanted to again. Not that it mattered. He probably wouldn't get to see his face again anyway. 

Matteo had asked what he was talking about and David had lost it, just unloaded everything he’d kept locked up the past month and a bit. How he felt, how much better Fynn was than him, that he didn’t understand why Matteo was still with him. Told Matteo that he should just leave, go be with Fynn, that it was better to leave now, that it would probably be less painful. He was crying when he said all this but when Matteo stepped up and tried to comfort him he told him to go. Begged him to just leave him alone.

He didn’t know what reaction he expected from Matteo. An argument maybe? Him to fight back? Defend himself? Instead, Matteo just stared at him like he’d never seen him before. Didn’t say a word, just backed out of the room slowly. David stood there frozen, listened to the door close quietly as Matteo left the apartment.

From anyone else the silence, the lack of comment would’ve been telling. An admission of guilt but not from Matteo. He was silent because he was in shock. David had blindsided him with all of this. He’d kept it quiet hadn’t even expressed his concerns or worries to his boyfriend and he’d devastated him. But he didn’t want to fight, didn’t want to argue. Not when he didn’t have the words to defend himself or even talk about what was going on without getting upset and possibly angry. 

So he’d taken himself out of the situation. Because he was doing so much better, he was so good at taking care of himself. David encouraged him to. Assured him that it was important to put himself first. And there he was undoing all the progress Matteo had made with his pathetic jealousy. 

Matteo was right to leave. Right to go straight to Fynn. Fynn wouldn’t yell at him. Fynn would probably be a good boyfriend. He made Matteo laugh, he was really smart, he was interested in psychology just like Matteo. 

David just wanted to cry at the unfairness of it all.

He hadn’t seen or heard from Matteo since. The thing was he knew Matteo wasn’t mad, he was just regrouping. He’d pushed him away what did he expect? He didn’t deserve Matteo to come running back to him. But he would, he’d come back probably out of obligation to him. He was trapped with him now. Poor Matteo.

The phone rang, pulling David out of his funk. He jumped for it. He would grovel and apologise all night if it meant Matteo would come home. He knew he’d fucked up. He needed to make it right. If he could have just one more chance he could prove he was better than Fynn.

It was Matteo calling and he almost dropped the phone in his haste to answer it. 

“Matteo? Matteo, I’m so sorry please-”

“Hi is this David? It’s Fynn.”

Fucking hell. What was this? Was Matteo getting Fynn to call and end it all? Had he scared him so much? Or did he think that he wasn’t even worth the time? He’d finally let Fynn show him what he was missing. David was so fucking stupid. He’d ruined everything. He just wanted to hang up but he didn’t. Just in case he got to speak to Matteo.

“David are you there? Sorry, can you hear me?”

Fynn obviously wasn’t going to let this go. He was going to do this gently too. Because he was so nice, wasn’t he? He was going to kindly tell David that Matteo wasn’t coming back. That he’d won.

“What do you want?”

“Can you get here, please? Matteo needs you, we’re in the library.” David finally noted the strain in his tone. The panic. He was trying to sound calm, keep his voice measured but there was clearly a situation. David stopped wallowing immediately. There wasn’t time. He was upright and getting dressed in a flash.

“What’s happened?”

“Can you get here?”

“The library?”

“The one on campus, we were studying, he got upset, I think he needs you.” Fynn tried to explain but David barely heard him, shoving on his shoes and jacket. Matteo needed him, that was all he could think right now.

“It’s me that’s upset him-”

“No it’s not, please just get here,” Fynn insisted.

So David did. He bolted out of the door and jumped on his bike. Because Fynn had sounded worried, not his usual friendly self at all. He was stressed. Something was really wrong. This wasn’t a play or a joke. They weren’t fucking around. Matteo needed him. And no matter what was going on between them he would never abandon him when he needed him. 

He pedalled hard and pushed himself till he made it to the campus. Thankfully they’d chosen a little apartment only ten minutes away. His mind raced the entire time. What was going on? What state would he find Matteo in when he got there? He felt sick with worry. Why had he let Matteo walk out of that door?

When he got there he practically flung his bike down and rushed into the building, straight up to the top floor where he knew Matteo liked to study and look out across campus. David joined him here a lot, loved studying with him. Or distracting him while he tried to focus. He was allowed, had express permission to distract him as much as he wanted. 

Matteo loved studying with him too. He studied with him more than he did with Fynn even though he was writing movies and couldn’t offer much help with Matteo’s assignments. He said it was for the company. David was starting to think he’d misread this entire thing. The doubts were settling in. Matteo loved him. God, why had he fucked everything up?

He found them in the corner, at a table. Or the books were on the table. Matteo was in the corner with his eyes closed. Fynn crouching by him but not touching him. Two other students were standing to one side. They’d obviously been studying together. All of them not just Matteo and Fynn. One of them, a girl with short blond hair approached him as soon as she saw him.

Despite the situation she seemed excited. “David? Are you David? His boyfriend? He talks about you all the time!”

“Yeah what’s going on?” he asked, rushing over to Matteo, she stopped him with a hand on his arm.

“I thought so, wow you’re even more handsome than he said you were, damn! And-”

“Fleur for fuck sakes.” 

The other student stepped in between them shaking his head. He was bouncing slightly with nerves, kept glancing over at Matteo. 

David paused to let this guy explain what had happened. Matteo wasn’t going anywhere and David needed to gauge the situation. He nodded for him to continue. 

“David he just shut down, he read something in the book and he just shut down. He just got up to leave but it was like he couldn’t he just sat down again.” The guy gestured to where Matteo was crouching. “He flinched when we approached but he’s mentioned how you help him. How sometimes he gets how no one else but you can touch him so we haven't, we just called you. I’m Mikael by the way, I’m in Matteo’s Behaviour class.”

“Thank you.” David approached Matteo and Fynn.

“Hi David,” Fynn said.

David ignored him and crouched down beside Matteo. He didn’t even look up but his eyes were open now and he was staring into space. David reached out and ran his fingers through Matteo’s hair. Matteo didn’t flinch now, just sank into his touch. He looked at Fynn now, expectantly.

“It was about neglect, childhood neglect and it just shook him. He tried to keep going and he just got quieter and quieter.”

David nodded.

“Matteo?”

“David?”

“I’m here, I’m here,” David whispered, sitting down and pulling him against him. 

God, it felt good to have him in his arms again.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo whispered.

Because of course he did, his default was always to blame himself.

“Don’t. Just don’t Matteo, you’ve done nothing wrong. I’m sorry,” David insisted.

“Can I come home now?” Matteo asked. 

David wanted nothing more. He would take him home and care for him through these bad memories he’d unlocked and they would move passed this whole stupid thing. “Yes come on,” he said gently. He helped Matteo up, he was a little wobbly on his feet but he was managing.

“Do you need a hand?” Fynn asked.

“Not from you,” David snapped. Just because he knew he’d been foolish didn’t mean he had to be nice to this guy. He didn’t need him, he didn’t need any of them. They were fine. He took care of Matteo, no one else. He knew how to help him when everything got too loud and bright, when everything made his brain hurt and his stomach ache. David took care of him. Not Fynn. Fynn didn’t know anything. 

“David please,” Matteo whispered, clinging to him. 

He was done with this place.

“Let’s go home Matteo,” David murmured.

He carefully led his boyfriend out of the library, only stopping to lock his bike up. He would come back for it later, he didn’t want to let go of Matteo right now to push it home. 

It took three times as long to get home than it had taken him to get to the library. Matteo didn’t speak, just held his hand tight the entire way. David felt him relaxing the closer they got to the apartment. He was ok, just a little shaken up.

When they got back to the apartment Matteo kicked off his shoes and went straight to the bedroom. David followed him slowly, not sure if he would be wanted but unable to stop himself. He found Matteo on the bed, just laying there fully dressed. David laid down next to him. 

Matteo immediately rolled to him and David held him close. He didn’t know if it was welcome, if he deserved it but he wrapped himself around Matteo anyway. Matteo didn't hesitate or pull away, just sank into his arms.

“Ok Matteo?”

“It said I was abused,” Matteo whispered, burying himself against David. Pressing against him like he thought he could disappear inside David, burying himself in his chest somewhere just below his heart. Exactly where he belonged.

“What?”

“The stupid book,” Matteo mumbled.

David just held him close and stroked his hair.

“What did it say?”

“That my papa leaving all the time and my mama not being able to take care of me, that was neglect and essentially it was abuse. Maybe not intentional but they still hurt me and I don’t know I think I knew deep down how badly they'd fucked up and I didn’t acknowledge it so to see it there in front of me it really hurt…”

“I know babe I’m so fucking sorry,” David whispered, pressing kisses to his temple.

“For what?” Matteo frowned up at him, genuinely confused.

“For yelling at you,” David murmured.

He was wracked with guilt and even though Matteo was struggling with the demons of his past David needed to do this now. Needed Matteo to know how sorry he was.

“You didn't yell?”

That’s right he hadn't yelled. He had perhaps exaggerated their fight somewhat in his mind. Tended to do that, blow things out of proportion. Especially when he was just going over it in his head. Just like this entire thing with Fynn.

“You were sad,” Matteo continued, “you were so fucking sad and I’m so sorry I just walked away but it was so much. You’d held in so much and it hurt. It hurt to hear it all like that so suddenly. I just I had to leave, I didn’t want to fight,” he said.

David got it he’d understood the moment Matteo had walked away. He’d rather Matteo keep himself safe. But Matteo was doing it to protect him because he didn’t know how he was going to react and he didn’t want to yell if David was upset. 

“I know, I know. You did the right thing.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t answer your messages, I was coming back tonight anyway,” Matteo said.

“It was only a day huh? I felt so lost without you,” David said.

God, it all seemed so stupid now, everything blown out of proportion. He was so dramatic sometimes.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo mumbled. 

David just rolled over so he was laying on top of him.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he murmured.

“I’m sorry I didn’t notice the thing with Fynn,” Matteo said, glancing up at him.

David just kissed him, soft and tender. “I’m sorry I got so jealous.”

“It’s ok.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Ok no it’s not but I think it’s normal to feel this way sometimes, you just gotta talk about it, you can’t keep this shit in look what happened.”

He was such a psych major already. Two months in and he was already talking like a therapist. Hew as always good at understanding David though.

“I know,” David agreed.

“You know I’m not leaving you right? And not for Fynn, what the hell?”

He looked so perplexed at the idea that David laughed.

“I know. I fucking knew the whole time it’s just… it would be so easy with Fynn if you were to chose him.”

Matteo sat up then almost dislodging him but he gripped him close.

David felt so small and insecure at that moment, his greatest worries laid bare for Matteo to see. But he wanted him to, trusted him with it. Wanted him to see every single part of him good and bad. Even those dark jealous bitter parts. Wanted Matteo to see it and tell him it would be ok, chase away those fears.

“There’s no fucking choice, there is no choice for me, it doesn’t even make sense to me how you think this way but I do get it. I get insecurity David, I know exactly how you feel.”

He laid back down and flipped them so that he was the one holding David close, comforting him. He knew he was supposed to be comforting Matteo but it felt so good.

“I love you,” David whispered.

“I love you too, talk to me David, don’t let yourself feel like this.” Matteo held him tight and David just sank further and further into him.

All of it seemed so stupid now. How could he have ever doubted this man? Matteo loved him. So much. He wouldn’t leave him. Wouldn’t even think of it. The idea of Fynn and him didn’t even cross his mind because he only had thoughts of David. Told him literally every day.

“I won’t. I won’t. I just… I got so in my own fucking head.”

Matteo nodded sympathetically. Biting his lip. He was nervous about whatever he was going to say next..

“Do you want me to stop being friends with Fynn?” he asked.

And David could see that he would, even though he didn’t want to, he would. And all that shame came rushing back.

“No! Fucking no, of course not. I’m not that guy ok? I’m not,” he insisted.

“It’s ok I will-”

“I know you will. I don’t want you too, but if you could…”

“Anything,” Matteo said.

“Could you maybe ask him to stop flirting?” David asked because he hated that the most.

“He isn’t-”

“He is. Maybe he’s just a flirty guy. I know you don’t see it but he is, please just make him stop and-”

“I’ll talk to him,” Matteo assured him, he kissed him, then kissed him again.

David felt all his worries fade away. They were fine. Damn wasn’t everything so much easier when he just spoke to Matteo? He just got him. Understood him. He knew what he needed and he didn’t question it. He never made him feel small or stupid or that his fears were unfounded. Only ever made him feel loved. Always loved.

“Thank you,” David said.

“It was that easy see?”

His boyfriend was teasing him but it was nothing but pure love. It was his best way of showing it. Teasing him and hitting him apparently. David just had to put up with it. Loved putting up with it.

“Thank you Matteo,” he said sincerely.

“For what?” Matteo asked curiously. He rolled them again so they were lying facing each other. Reaching out and running his fingers over his face, tracing his cheekbones, his eyes, his nose, finally bringing them to rest on his lips. David kissed at them making him smile.

He took hold of them and tangled them together. 

“For getting it, for not making a big deal out this, for just understanding what I needed,” he said.

“You always understand what I need, that’s why it’s always going to be you David,” Matteo murmured, eyes drifting closed.

It was amazing how he did that. How now that they were pretty much done, now that everything was resolved he would just drop off to sleep in a matter of minutes. David supposed he’d just been holding off sleep for their conversation. But it was still impressive.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for not making me talk about my parents, thank you for talking about this instead,” Matteo said.

They would come back to it when he was ready and not a moment sooner.

“I love you so damn much,” David said, pulling him close and dragging the blankets over them.

Now they were wrapped around each other equally both of them taking comfort in each other. Matteo got heavier and heavier as he pressed against him, drifting further and further into slumber. David stayed awake a little longer just marvelling at this man in his arms. How lucky he was to have found him.

Early the next day David was woken by the buzzer. His head was pounding from all the upset last night and all he wanted to do was go back to sleep. Matteo was sleeping soundly beside him and all he wanted to do was curl up with him. But the buzzer went again so he dragged himself up and out of bed, not wanting Matteo to be woken.

“Hello?” he said groggily, leaning heavily against the wall.

“Hi David, it’s Fynn.”

“Jesus fucking Christ,” David muttered, too quiet for Fynn to hear. How the hell was he so chirpy this early in the morning?

“I know. You hate me. Blah blah blah,” he said cheerily. So maybe he had heard him. Still didn’t need to be so smug about it though. David was going to strangle him when he saw him. “I have Matteo’s bag, his books and stuff,” Fynn clarified.

He actually wanted to come up? He was tempted to tell him to just leave it in the stairwell but he didn’t think he could be that rude.

“Fine.” David buzzed him into the building then ran into the bedroom to throw on some clothes. Joggers, a t-shirt and one of Matteo’s heavy grandpa sweaters. It was freezing in the apartment. He turned the heating back on so that it would be warm for when Matteo woke up. Matteo kept asking him to put it on a timer but they got up at different times every day so they hadn’t bothered yet. He ran back to the door and opened it to Fynn. He tried to feign his enthusiasm and gratitude as he took the bag from him. He nodded his thanks and made to shut the door but Fynn held it open. Damn him.

“Can we talk?”

“Really?” David hissed. He wasn’t even going to pretend to be happy about this. All he wanted was to get back to Matteo, he was still feeling fragile. Out of sorts.

“Please? Just five minutes.”

David sighed heavily but stepped aside to let him in. He wasn’t even going to pretend to be nice. Fynn apparently knew he hated him so why bother? He wondered if Matteo had told him yesterday or he’d gotten the impression the one time they’d met in person. He’d been nicer then, tried to pretend to be polite.

“Fine, come in I guess,” he muttered and showed him to the living room. “Do you want a drink?” he offered.

He had no idea where that even came from, he hadn’t wanted to offer anything. Somewhere at the back of his mind, a little voice was telling him to behave. That voice sounded an awful lot like Matteo.

“Don’t worry about it, I can see you just woke up. Seriously I just wanted to talk to you real quick.”

They sat down together on the sofa. David waited for him to say his piece.

“Ok first I just wanted to say sorry for flirting with Matteo all this time,” Fynn began.

Apparently he was just going to get right into it. David didn’t even know what to say. He wasn’t angry he was… grateful? That he was admitting to it, validating his worries. “I… oh.”

“Look I knew I was doing it but he never complained so I didn’t stop and I’m sorry for that. At first, it was real flirting, I thought he was cute so I flirted. He was so shy and he didn’t stop me, so I continued. He took a bit of time to open up to me, and then after about a week, he was finally telling me about himself. That’s when I found out about you, once he felt comfortable, safe I guess? Then all he talked about was you. He loves you very much.”

That kind of made sense, if Matteo didn’t know he was flirting then he probably didn’t know he wasn’t straight right away. He waited for a little before he shared his business with him. David tended not to hesitate, tended to talk about Matteo with anyone and everyone he met at school. 

“You didn’t stop flirting,” David pointed out.

“I didn’t, sorry about that,” Fynn said and he actually looked apologetic.

“God you’re fucking annoying,” David muttered, glancing at the bedroom door and reminding himself to keep his voice down. Matteo was still sleeping.

“He never asked me to stop.”

“Because he didn’t fucking know!”

Fynn nodded, holding his hands up. “I know. I know that now. I didn’t realise at first, I’m a flirty guy and I thought he didn’t mind, it honestly was just a bit of fun, you know because he’s so shy?”

David got it too, it was harmless fun. Just to make him blush nothing more.

“I…”

“He told me yesterday, that you were upset with him,” Fynn said.

“I never... I fucking kicked off. I was so shitty.”

“You know it’s ok to feel insecure right?”

God this guy was a pain in the ass. He was a genuinely nice guy, kind to a fault. Patient too. Had to be to put up with David. Kind of reminded him a little of Jonas. Of course, Matteo liked him. He struggled to make friends by himself so when it was easy like this of course he would be excited.

“Yeah, we can’t all be as perfect as you. Don’t I fucking know it,” he muttered.

“Hey come on, I’m trying to say sorry,” he said.

He may be a nice guy but he still got David’s back up. He was Matteo’s friend he didn’t have to like him.

“ You flirted with my boyfriend, you tried to steal him.”

Matteo couldn’t be stolen and he knew that he was just being childish now. Matteo was not his possession he was his boyfriend and he trusted him wholeheartedly. 

“I did not! Ok I flirted but it was just flirting, I flirt with everyone but it was always just playing, even at the beginning before I knew about you nothing would ever have happened,” he said.

David didn’t understand what he meant.

“But…”

“I’m his mentor it wouldn’t be ok at all. Ok, I’m just a student too, it’s just peer mentoring but I take it seriously. Friends is ok, nothing more. You know more than me that Maxwell paired us up because Matteo’s on the vulnerable side. First and foremost I’m here to help him get through the year. That does put me in a position of privilege. Just barely but it does. Yeah I shouldn’t have even flirted and I am sorry but… nothing more. Matteo’s my friend I don’t want to change that, he’s such a nice guy.”

Shit. Now David saw why he was the perfect student too. Just an all-round perfect guy. He was kind of boring actually. Too boring for Matteo but he was a good person. He was right too. The state Matteo was in because of his school stresses and his childhood traumas meant he was certainly someone who could be vulnerable to someone who would be shitty with their position.

“He is,” David agreed.

“Are you ok?” Fynn asked.

David frowned. “Me?”

“Yeah like I said Matteo told me what happened,” Fynn said.

David groaned realising what was happening. Fucking psych students. “Oh god please don’t do this.”

“He said you pretty much broke down. That you had been bottling it all up?”

David knew that tone. He’d seen therapists and counsellors. Fynn was certainly well on his way to that.

“Don’t you dare fucking psychoanalyse me,” David said, but there was no heat there.

Fynn was trying and he was being kind.

“It’s what I do, you didn’t do anything wrong-”

“Don’t-”

“What happened yesterday wasn’t your fault,” Fynn continued. “He was literally triggered by the book, even if you’d been there studying with us or not it would have happened.”

“I-”

They both looked up as the bedroom door opened and Matteo stepped into the living room, yawning and rubbing his eyes. “David? I- oh hey Fynn?” 

He just stood there, still a little out of it. Confused by Fynn’s presence. Or perhaps the fact that David hadn’t killed him.

“Hey Matteo nice boxers- sorry sorry. Shit I will tone it down… or I could always flirt with you too? Even it out?”

“Tone it down,” David said through gritted teeth.

“Gotcha!”

“Everything ok?” Matteo asked nervously. He’d kicked off his trousers and undressed in the night and was clearly regretting that now.

David handed him a sweater from the back of the couch and he pulled it on gratefully. It was oversized and covered him up a little better.

“Everything’s fine. Fynn is unharmed. He just brought your books,” David explained.

Fynn laughed, he really seemed to find it very amusing.

“Thanks Fynn,” Matteo said.

He still didn’t sit down. He was vulnerable right now and Fynn was in his space. Their space. He hadn’t expected Fynn to stay this long. But he hadn’t minded talking to him. That much. He appreciated that he’d apologised and that he was willing to change his behaviour to make him comfortable. He could tell he cared about Matteo and it was important for David to see how much. He wanted him to stay friends with Matteo and over time. A lot of time. They could probably be friends too.

“You doing ok?” Fynn asked.

“Yeah,” Matteo said quietly, glancing at the bedroom door, clearly wanting out.

David was tempted to ask Fynn to leave but he was hoping he would get the hint.

“Talking about it?” Fynn pressed.

Or not.

Matteo scowled and now David knew he was about to kick off.

“I will. I have David and I have a therapist,” Matteo said, pulling at his sweater.

He didn’t share this stuff with many people. Fynn was his friend but he was still new.

Fynn was unfazed. “Good. And tell Maxwell… she won’t make you do this one. Or she’ll give you more time whatever you need, you gotta take care-”

David winced. He’d pushed too far.

“I’m not a child! I can do my fucking assignments. I’m not gonna have a breakdown over a fucking textbook!”

And if David needed more proof that they were just friends it was right there in front of him. It never got that volatile between them because he knew when Matteo needed pushing and when to leave it and give him time. He’d seen him argue with Jonas though. Exactly like this right now. Matteo had literally just figured out his trauma. Yes, he needed to deal with it but he needed to process this at his own pace. Fynn may be well versed in psychology but it was all from textbooks. David was well versed in Matteo, it was a language only he spoke. Fynn had no chance.

Fynn stood up, arms held up. “You want me to get said textbook? Show you and give you another panic attack?” Therapist Fynn was gone, now he was just a guy concerned about his friend. He couldn’t be fun and slightly detached like he had been with David, he was worried.

David stood up to intervene but he could see Matteo needed to let it out, needed to vent a little. Wouldn’t take kindly to been shut down. Fynn could take it.

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Matteo said, cold and angry.

David placed a hand on his arm but didn’t say anything.

“Child abuse is no joke Matteo, put the essay aside, speak to your therapist and come back to the unit again when you can, for fuck sakes don’t torture yourself for goddamn grade,” Fynn said.

He meant well he really did. For a second David thought Matteo was going to punch him but he walked away, walked into their room and shut the door.

“I didn’t bring the book. Brought all the others. Get him to talk to Maxwell, the harm it will do if he does this assignment isn’t worth it,” Fynn insisted.

He looked so worried.

“I’m not going to make his decisions for him but I will keep talking about this with him. I know when he can handle it,” David said. He couldn’t believe he was doing this, being nice to Fynn. “He’s not mad at you, he’s just vulnerable, defensive.”

“I know. God, he trusts you, you really thought I was a threat? Come on, who the hell else could’ve helped last night? He literally shut down until you came.” Fynn smiled at him, it was still tentative, he was still worried about Matteo but he knew he was with the best person. “You’re his safe person you know? The way he talks about you all the time, he doesn't think I’m flirting with him because it just doesn’t register. Why would anyone else be flirting with him when he has you? He’s set for life, he can’t even imagine anyone else. You blindsided him the other day because he didn’t even think it was possible,” he explained.

“God you are absolutely the worst,” David muttered. He liked this guy despite himself. He was going to be a good friend to Matteo. He was no threat to him. But maybe he was a threat to Jonas. Perhaps he should warn him.

“I am?”

“You’re so fucking nice I hate you,” David said.

“That’s fine, I think you’re cool though,” Fynn said.

“I don’t want to be your friend,” David clarified. 

“Can I still be friends with Matteo?” he asked.

David shrugged. The bedroom door opened then and Matteo walked out, still grumpy.

“Are you still fucking here? I thought by walking off I made it clear you were supposed to leave,” Matteo said.

Fynn held up his hands.

“You don’t come in here fucking analysing me and my boyfriend! You know nothing about my life or what I can or cannot handle. How dare you? You don’t-”

“Matteo breathe,” David whispered, stepping up to him and wrapping his arms around him.

“He- he- he-”

“He’s leaving, he only wanted to check on you,” David assured him.

“I don’t want to deal with it right now, I can’t,” he said.

David just held him close.

“Ok, I’m going. Just take your time Matteo and please don’t write that essay. I’m telling you this as your mentor, not your friend but I’m still both. I’m not angry with you. I’m gonna give you some space, just take care,” Fynn said, nodding to both of them, “later David,” he added before heading to the door. 

David heard him let himself out.

“Asshole,” Matteo muttered.

He wasn’t really angry at him. He’d be apologising in a few hours when he’d calmed down. And slowly Fynn would learn when to push and when to leave things alone when it came to Matteo. He’d never be as good as David though. To David, it came naturally. He’d never learnt it. He just knew.

“Ah he’s ok,” David said.

“Oh fuck off David,” Matteo said.

David just held him tight and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. Matteo sagged into him. “I’m not jealous of Fynn anymore,” David admitted.

Matteo could’ve teased him then, made fun of him. Laughed at how quickly he’d changed his tune but he didn’t. Knew how big of thing this was for him to admit to. He was admitting he’d been wrong about Fynn and that his worries had been unfounded this entire time and that was huge. That made him vulnerable and Matteo would never tease him for that.

“That’s good,” he mumbled instead, lips barely moving where they were pressed against his neck.

“Let’s just hide away for a while,” David suggested, backing him into the bedroom and pushing him down on the bed. Crawling over him and settling on top of him.

“Ok.”

“I love you,” David whispered.

“I love you too. It’s only ever going to be you. You don’t have to be jealous David. I don’t ever see anyone else. It’s only you.”

David believed him. It was really that simple to him. Of course, it was. It was the exact same way David felt about him.

“Keep saying stuff like that,” David said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah in case it happens again. When you say stuff like that it quiets that little voice in my head.”

“Ok David,” Matteo whispered.

“And I’ll do the same for you,” he promised.

Because they both had their insecurities, they both had their doubts and worries. But to have them shut down like that, the way Matteo had done yesterday. That had felt so good. He would do that for Matteo anytime.

David knew jealousy well, it was a feeling he’d known his whole life. It stemmed from insecurity and fear. There was no cure for it. But he was pretty sure he had the next best thing in his arms right now.

Chapter Text

David didn’t think he’d ever felt tired like this. His bones ached with it, he swore he could feel them creaking as he moved. He felt cold and shivery too, he’d waited ten minutes for a bus and even when he’d stepped on board he hadn’t been able to get warm. The damp winter cold had seeped into his bones. There was a pounding behind his eyes, probably because he was tired and had been awake for almost twenty hours. It was quite possible he was getting a cold. His coat was still damp from the rain shower he’d gotten caught in earlier and he’d forgotten his stupid scarf, rushing out of the door at the crack of dawn that morning.

All he wanted was to sleep. For at least the next thirty years. Or most of the next couple of days at least. It was almost one in the morning and he was finally on his way home from work. The bus he was on was almost empty. Everyone sensible was already tucked up in bed. Exactly where he wanted to be. 

He’d been shooting a scene for his latest show, out on location, several miles outside the city limits. It was great fun but meant loing hours and travel time. He’d been dropped off back at the studio an hour ago but it wasn’t a huge production. He didn’t get driven to his door so he had to make his own way home. Which was fine he supposed, if it wasn’t the middle of the night. It was times like this he’d wished he’d learnt to drive. He should’ve just gotten a taxi but even though he was doing well it felt too much like splashing the cash, especially when the bus stop was just down the road.

There was no point dwelling on it, he was practically home now anyway. He took out his phone and sent a text to Matteo, telling him he’d be five minutes. There was no way he was still awake but he sent it anyway. He got off the bus at his stop and made his way to his apartment. He was so close. The bus wasn’t exactly warm but alighting was like stepping into a freezer. He ducked his head to reduce his exposure to the biting cold air. 

As he walked under the streetlights he saw his breath in front of his face. There was snow underfoot, crunching with each step he took. He shivered and wrapped his jacket tighter around himself. Shoving his hands in his pockets and frowned in surprise, pulling his hands out again. There were thick woollen gloves in his pockets that he hadn’t put in there. No that was Matteo, always thinking of him. David grinned and pulled them on as he walked the last three minutes to the apartment.

His legs felt like lead dragging them up the stairs but he was almost home. Almost there. Just a few more steps. He decided he was going to collapse straight into bed and never move again.

Finally, he was home. He unlocked the door and stepped inside his apartment. He didn’t know why he was surprised that it was still warm, of course Matteo had left the heating on. The lamps were still on in the living room too, casting a soft glow over everything. He just leant against the door for a second, smiling at how thoughtful  his boyfriend was.

He was too tired to eat but he knew there’d be food ready for him in the fridge if he checked. Matteo however, was nowhere to be seen so he must be in bed. Which was where David was supposed to be. He wasn’t going to waste any time. Their bed was calling to him. He shrugged off his damp coat and discarded his shoes by the door before heading straight to the bedroom, switching off all the lights and the heating as he went. 

Slowly he opened the door and just stood there, he couldn’t help it. The lamp was still on and he could see Matteo, curled up in the bed, blankets wrapped tightly around himself, sleeping soundly. 

He just watched him sleep for a moment, his headache fading away at the sight of him. All the tension he’d been holding onto melted away. All that was left was a bone aching tiredness. It was warm in the bedroom so David took off his hoodie and his sweater because Matteo had insisted he layer up against the cold. Something he was grateful for now. He stripped off the rest of his clothes and crept towards Matteo. 

Carefully he climbed into the bed, making sure Matteo remained tucked up in the blankets as he got in beside him. He wanted nothing more than to wrap him in his arms but he didn’t want to wake him. Instead, he just shuffled closer and lay there watching him sleep. The last traces of cold faded away as he got close enough to absorb Matteo’s body heat.

He always liked it hot. When David wasn’t there he would sleep under three or four heavy woollen blankets. He’d leave the heating on all night sometimes and David would come back to a roasting apartment. He used to worry his boyfriend would suffocate in his sleep but it never seemed to be a problem. On a normal night, when David was there he reluctantly shed a couple to snuggle up to David instead. David usually refused to sleep under five blankets. But tonight, after being outside for so long he was glad of the warm cocoon Matteo had created for them.

As hard as he tried not to wake him, Matteo sensed that he was there and reached for him in his sleep. David pushed off one of the blankets and pulled him into his arms, wrapping him up tight, pressing tender kisses to his forehead. Matteo smiled in his sleep and slowly blinked awake.

“You’re home,” he whispered.

“I’m home.”

“You’re-”

“Late?”

His eyes drifted shut again as he tried to fight off sleep. “Yeah.”

“Missed you,” David said quietly.

“Missed you more, tired?”

He yawned widely, answering Matteo’s question. “Fucking exhausted. And I think I’m getting a cold,” he admitted, knowing he’d get instant sympathy from Matteo. He was terrible when he was ill and Matteo always took care of him anyway.

Matteo reached out he pressed a gentle hand to his forehead. “Hm.” He tucked the blankets tighter around him. “Did you eat?”

“Too tired,” David said.

That finally got Matteo to open his eyes properly. He huffed squinted at him but didn’t push. It was so late now it would give him a stomach ache if he ate. He was sure Matteo would feed him up in the morning.

“Work tomorrow?”

Tomorrow was Saturday, the first he’d had off in a month. Matteo didn’t work weekends so it meant they would finally get a whole day together. Or what was left of it after David had slept for a thousand years. “No, I’m all yours.” Matteo’s face lit up, an excited smile on his lips that David just had to kiss. Soft and slow, just letting all the love he felt bleed into it. Matteo’s hand came up behind his head cradling him close as his lips parted and he sighed, just relaxing against him. God he’d missed him, stupid work eating into all his time with Matteo.

“I’ll make you a big breakfast, then you’re just gonna rest and I’m gonna take care of you,” Matteo mumbled against his lips before pulling back slightly and stroking his hand over his face, tracing his lips with his fingertips. 

“I love you,” David murmured, what else could he say but that?

“Love you too.”

David pulled him closer and closed his eyes. “Sleep?” he suggested.

“No,” Matteo whined, “not yet I just got you back.”

“Ok.”

“Stay awake a little, please?”

He was exhausted and he wouldn’t last long but he would fight off sleep for a few tired minutes of Matteo’s company. “For you anything,” he said.

Matteo chuckled at that. “Sap,” he said fondly.

“That’s me,” David agreed. He groaned but dragged himself up the bed so he could sit up a little, pulling Matteo with him. As tired as he was he’d barely spoken to Matteo these past couple of days. Yeah, they had the weekend ahead of them but David ached with how much he missed him. He just wanted a few minutes with him before he drifted off into sleep.

Matteo settled against his chest and looked up at him. “How did it all go?”

“Why the hell did you let me agree to film a show out in the woods in January ?” He tried to sound cross but he was too tired, it just sounded fond.

“I’m pretty sure I mentioned several times that it would be crazy cold,” Matteo countered.

“I’m pretty sure if you loved me you wouldn’t have let me make such stupid decisions,” David said.

Matteo huffed at that and David knew he was about to win this silly non-argument. “I’m pretty sure if I loved you I would’ve sent you off this morning with a huge flask of hot soup to keep you warm and- oh wait, I did do that, got up super early to make it from scratch and everything,” he said smugly, like he had every right to be.

“That’s because you’re the best,” David said.

“The best,” Matteo murmured.

“The best.”

“Yeah?”

David just kissed him again. “Tired?” He’d been tired for hours so he could deal with it a little longer.

Matteo shrugged, he was David could tell but he felt the same. He desperately wanted to stay awake just to be with him a little longer. “Just a bit longer, I really missed you today,” he said quietly as if he thought David would say no. Did he really think David would just turn away and go to sleep? As if that were possible.

Instead, he sat up, pulling Matteo off the bed with him, keeping both of them wrapped up in the blankets. Matteo whined but allowed himself to be pulled away from the bed.

“It’s snowing out, come on,” David said.

“David it’s one in the morning,” Matteo argued.

“Just to the balcony come on,” David murmured.

He made sure the blanket was wrapped tightly around and then guided them out onto the balcony, stepping into the trainers that they kept by the door.

“Oh, it is snowing!” Matteo leant against him, tilting his head up to the sky.

“Thought I was lying?”

“No,” Matteo said. He so did.

“Why would I lie about snow?”

“It’s so pretty,” Matteo whispered.

It really was, a blanket of white over the city, sparkling and glowing as it drifted across the streetlights. Everything was muted and still. Beautiful. David hooked his chin over Matteo’s shoulder. “You know what else is pretty?”

“You,” Matteo said.

“You.” David reached out and brushed the snowflakes from his hair. “You’re beautiful.”

With the light from the city below casting a soft glow over them, he saw Matteo’s cheeks pinken.

“You’re warm,” Matteo murmured, “always warm, I never sleep properly when you’re not here.”

“I’ll always come back to keep you warm,” David promised.

They just stood there on the balcony for a little while, wrapped up tight in the blankets just swaying together. It may have been snowing but with Matteo against him, he’d never felt warmer. It spread out from his heart all through his body, warming every inch of him. Since the day they’d met there’d been a fire burning in him for Matteo and it never stopped. It had been nearly five years and it never faded, never lessened. It burned as bright as ever. David was sure it always would.

Chapter Text

David couldn’t breathe, the room was too small. He needed to leave, get out. He needed to run. He'd already run, just bolted from his and Laura's. Straight to Matteo's. But he needed to get far away. 

Matteo wasn't even there yet, had no idea of the sorry state he was about to find David in. 

David wasn't even sure if he could hold on, wait for Matteo to get back. He threw open the curtains, the doors to the balcony and stepped out, trying to negate the suffocating feeling. 

It didn't help so he walked back into the room and started to pace, didn't stop until he heard the front door open and he knew Matteo was back. 

The bedroom door finally opened and Matteo walked in, looking at his phone. He glanced up, noticed David and grinned, tossing his phone to one side. 

David was still now, trying to feign calmness. 

“Hey so don’t ask how it happened but we may have to go on a double date with Kiki and Carlos … I know it’s a nightmare. I'll try and get us out of it but you’re gonna have to help because you know I’m shit at lying. It’s at their place if that helps. And it’s not even a double date, Hanna and Jonas will be there too and possibly Amira and Mohammed. So if Amira says yes then I want to go, but if not then I don’t really want to. It’s like a couples dinner party type thing. And don’t get me wrong I love Jonas and all of them but this isn’t my scene and… David?"

Clearly this rant had been on his mind or he would have immediately noticed something was wrong. Matteo always noticed. He'd noticed now, face immediately concerned and David couldn't hold back a second longer. 

He just launched himself into Matteo's arms so forcefully that Matteo almost lost his balance but he stayed upright and held him back. 

David squeezed back even tighter, so tightly that Matteo probably couldn’t breathe but he didn’t complain. He got the hint straight away and hugged back just as tightly. David just continued to cling to him desperately, trying to convince himself it was ok, that Matteo was here, that he could stay, that he didn’t need to run. He clung tighter and tighter and it felt so good but he still needed out.

“Hey not that I don’t love this, trust me I do, this feels really good for me but this is kinda tight… something wrong?"

"Fucking everything," David said, voice cracking as he held back a barely suppressed sob. 

"Ok?" Matteo just waited for him to elaborate. 

"I need to go, I can’t stay here right now," David said, practically begging for Matteo to understand what he was asking of him. 

"Oh," Matteo whispered. 

"Just for a bit." 

Matteo squeezed him even tighter now, desperate not to let him go. David just buried his face in his chest, he wanted to hide from everything. He wanted out. 

"Ok," Matteo said after a while. He got it, knew David couldn't stay when he felt like this. 

"Come with me," David whispered, hardly daring to believe Matteo would want to be any part of this. 

"Huh?" 

"Please, I don’t want to be on my own," David said. 

"Ok." 

"And I don’t even know how long I need I just need to get away for a while but I need you with me," David begged. 

"Ok," Matteo said again. 

"I just need to run, I need out," David said. 

"Ok."

David pulled back and stared at him. He was just standing there waiting for his instructions. This boy, he would follow him anywhere David realised. "I know it’s stupid I just need space right now, not from you but from everything else school, Laura, your roommates, I need you but no one else," David explained. 

"Where are we going?" 

"Anywhere. Let's just jump on a train," David suggested. 

"Ok." Matteo seemed determined to follow David but nervous too. 

David got it, he wasn't exactly giving him much to go on. He had an idea forming of where he wanted to go but he wasn't a hundred percent yet. "I’ll take care of you," he promised. 

"I trust you." Matteo grabbed a bag and looked to David. David grabbed another rucksack. 

"I didn't actually bring anything, haven't had a go-bag packed for a while," he admitted. 

Matteo just smiled and gestured around the room. "Help yourself to my shit," he offered. 

David laughed quietly despite himself and started rooting around Matteo's wardrobe. He shoved enough clothes for the next few days in the bag. Matteo did the same then headed to the bathroom to get them some toiletries. David grabbed the chargers and the art stuff he kept here at Matteo's. 

"Ok?" David asked when Matteo came back in, distributing the toiletries between the two bags. Matteo sighed and looked up at him. He was worried and weighing up whether or not he should say something. 

"Matteo?" 

Matteo pulled his little pill bottle out of his pocket. "I have like just over a week left, it's on order but I can't pick up my refill until next week." 

David just took his hand and squeezed it, even as stressed as he was right now he was not going to let Matteo feel like his mental health was an inconvenience. "Hey now, I just need a few days ok? We'll be back I promise." 

Matteo nodded relieved and put the bottle in his bag. 

"Thank you for lending me your bag and your clothes," David said, shouldering his bag. 

"S’ok, most of them are yours," Matteo reminded him. "Wanna tell me what's wrong?" 

David shook his head and just stepped into Matteo's arms again. "Once we’re out of here," he mumbled into Matteo's shoulder. 

"Then let's go," Matteo said, pulling on his rucksack. 

"Ok." 

"Take your phone David," Matteo warned, nodding to where David had tossed it onto the desk the moment he got there. 

"I don’t-" 

"It’s not fair, you don’t have to switch it on or anything but bring it with you please," Matteo insisted. 

"Ok," David relented. 

"I’m gonna text Laura too, let her know you're with me," Matteo said as he led him out of the apartment and toward the bus stop. 

"Ok, but later," David said, taking Matteo's hand. 

"Later?" 

"I know this is stupid," David muttered. 

"Not stupid. If you need this it’s not stupid," Matteo said, just continuing to hold his hand as David led him across the city. 

Two bus rides and one subway ride later and David was certain of where he wanted to go. It had been the plan in his mind all along. At first it may have seemed like they’d just jumped on the first bus that came but he’d done this journey enough times that it wasn’t random to him any more. It took Matteo until the second bus to notice they were heading north and David was guiding them with purpose but he didn't question him. When they got to the main station he figured out where they were going. 

"Furstenberg?" 

"Yeah." Right now it felt like where he needed to be. 

"Oh." Matteo stared down at his feet, refusing to look at him. 

"Is that ok?" David asked. 

"Yeah just… she’s your family, Emily? Are you sure you want me there too, last time…" 

"That was different." That time he'd been running away from Matteo too. Not trusting that he got to keep him. It was different now. Now he knew Matteo wasn't going anywhere. And right now he needed Matteo, he just needed his godmother too. 

"Is it stuff with your mum and dad?"

Of course Matteo had figured it out, already knew exactly what would upset David like this. Knew all the different ways David got upset. Knew that he wasn't running because the world was unfair or like last time when he was angry and afraid. No he could tell this time he was just sad, devastatingly, exhaustingly sad 

"Can I tell you on the train?" 

Matteo just smiled and nodded. "Yeah of course, you go get tickets, I’ll go get some food," he offered, pointing to a shop opposite the concourse. 

"Ok." David let him go and headed to the ticket machine still half tempted to buy one way tickets. Maybe they could go to the airport, just fly away. Go somewhere no one knew them or their stories. They could be whoever they wanted to be. He was dragged from his fantasies by a bag of gummy sweets landing on the console. 

Matteo leant against it and grinned at him. "One day we'll go far away yeah?" 

"Where will we go?" 

"Wherever you want." 

David grabbed the bag off the screen and punched in their destination, collecting their tickets and handing Matteo's to him. He looked at him then and noticed his pockets were bulging with bags of sweets. 

"Did you get any actual food?" David asked as they walked to the platform. 

"Oh I'm sorry have sweets been reclassified now?" Matteo slid down to the floor, leaning against the pillar. David just stood over him and rolled his eyes. He kicked at his feet but opened the bag and offered him some anyway. 

"I've got crisps and biscuits in my bag too," Matteo said. 

"What a feast," David said. 

Matteo kicked back at him as best he could slumped down on the floor like that. David delivered a few swift kicks to his toes then stepped back so he’d have to get up if he wanted to retaliate. 

Matteo just groaned and didn’t’ move. "They had sandwiches but they looked dodgy," he said.

"What sandwich is dodgy to you ?" 

"Egg but it was more like food poisoning dodgy, don't wanna get sick on the train." 

"I don't think it works that quick," David said, pulling him up as their train arrived. 

"Well I definitely don't want to get sick at your godmother's house," Matteo countered as they stepped onto the train and found a seat in a quiet section. “Also back to this being a stupid idea, it’s definitely not stupid that you need to go to Emily, especially if it’s family stuff. I assume she’s a bit more objective than Laura?” he guessed.

There he went being so perceptive again. Laura couldn’t help him right now because she always blindly took his side. But they were her parents too. He knew he was right on this but he needed someone like Emily to reassure him. He didn’t even know how to explain it but he needed her right now.

“She’s going to love you,” David said, then realised she was probably going to embarrass him. Last time he’d been there after he’d calmed down about the school, he’d probably spent the rest of the time talking about Matteo and how wonderful he was. Yeah she definitely wasn’t going to keep quiet about that.

“Why?”

“She just will,” he said. He sighed and leant against Matteo, already feeling calmer now that they were on their way, Matteo just smiled and wrapped his arm around him.

“How long’s it take?” he asked.

“An hour, plus a twenty minute walk. Did you bring your laptop?”

“No David,” he said, faking weariness, “I thought we were gonna be sleeping in an abandoned building or something.”

“Yeah that was the plan but I needed to come out here,” David admitted.

Matteo squeezed him closer and David sighed. This was good, it was what he needed, he just needed to get away and be held by his boyfriend.

“Talk to me,” Matteo whispered.

“My dad texted me this morning,” David said quietly.

“Mm?”

“They’re moving.”

“Far?”

“No just downsizing, it’s just them now you know?” 

Him and Laura weren’t ever going back so what was the point of them holding onto that family house when the family you raised in it weren’t welcome anymore?

“Ok.”

“I called him, to see what it was he wanted and he said they want me to come and pick up my stuff,” David told him.

Matteo just looked at him, waiting. 

“They said to come at a time when they wouldn’t be in,” David said, pressing his face into Matteo’s chest.

“Oh.” Matteo just continued to hold him, there wasn’t much else he could do.

“Yeah.”

“Fuck that.”

“I know,” David said, trying to sound indifferent but his voice cracked, betraying him.

“Oh David,” Matteo whispered.

“It’s not fair Matteo, it’s not fair,” he mumbled. 

“Shit I know, I know, fuck them what the hell?”

“It hurts so badly and I know I should be over it but I’m fucking not and I can’t go back to Laura’s because she must know and she’ll just feel bad for me but I can’t stay at yours either there’s just too many people and I don’t want anyone to see me like this, so pathetic and I just I need Emily to tell me it’s ok. You can’t you know? You don’t know them, you’ll never know them I’m not fucking letting them near you but I need Emily right now.”

“I get it, David, I get it god.” Matteo pulled back and turned so they were facing each other, he reached out and took his hands. David glanced around but there was no one nearby apart from an older man sleeping in the corner. It was a strange time of day to be travelling. “I love you. I know I don’t know them but they are wrong, they are fucking blind if they can’t see how wonderful you are. They are wrong to treat you like this but it’s not stupid for you to feel upset, or for you to need your family right now.”

“That does help a little,” David said, “I’m sorry I’m dragging you away though.”

“I’d rather be here with you David,” Matteo said.

“I know, it’s why I didn’t want to leave you behind.” 

He’d been so desperately worried last time, he’d understood that he needed space but it couldn’t have been easy. And it may have been selfish but David wanted him with him. He always felt better with Matteo by his side.

“Have you texted Emily?” Matteo checked, pulling out the bag of crips and offering them to David.

“No I usually just show up.”

Matteo frowned, worrying his lip. “Are you sure?”

“Sure?”

“I don’t want to just show up, you know?” Matteo said.

“She won’t mind, I show up all the time,” David assured him.

“Yeah but…”

“She knows about you, knows how important you are to me, knows we’re pretty much a package deal at this point,” David said.

It was true, she even asked after Matteo every time she called. He’d been meaning to take him to visit but he’d not had time with his heavy workload at school. He never thought they’d be visiting like this.

“Ok ok,” Matteo said, blushing slightly.

David sat back in his seat, just leaning against Matteo and staring across him out of the window. The further away from the city they got, the better he felt. Matteo didn’t speak, knew that he needed to be quiet right now. Knew that David needed to empty his mind for a while, just zone out and switch off or he’d just dwell on everything. 

David just laid against his chest. Matteo’s hand was in his hair, fingers running through it. It was gonna end up a mess but he had his beanie in his pocket. His arm was wrapped around him, just holding him, comforting him the best way he knew how.

Eventually, the hand in his hair stopped moving and Matteo’s breathing evened out, the rise of his chest beneath his ear slowing as he drifted off. Slowly David took Matteo's hand from his hair and pulled away to look at him. His eyes were closed, his mouth open just slightly, his head resting against the window. David really didn’t know how he did it, how he just fell asleep anywhere. 

David couldn’t help it he just stared at him, this wonderful boy who’d dropped everything just because he’d asked him to. He needed Emily right now but he needed Matteo too. He needed to get away from everyone but never Matteo. He couldn’t do this without him. At this point, he didn’t know how he ever had. He loved him so much and he was so grateful he had him. So grateful he would never have to make this journey alone again. Because there would probably be more times like this. Times where he needed to get away, or needed to hide. Or just times where things were going to be hard but he’d have to stay and stick it through. None of that scared him anymore because he wasn’t alone. Even after his awful phone call with his dad, he felt absolutely terrible but he knew going to Matteo would help. Knew he would get the comfort and support he needed without question.

“Love you,” Matteo mumbled in his sleep, barely stirring. David just smiled and pressed a kiss to his cheek then snuggled against him for the rest of the journey. He didn’t need to dwell right now he needed to take comfort in his boyfriend’s arms. His phone was off and he was getting further and further away. No one could get him now, no one could hurt him.

By the time they got to Furstenburg David felt like maybe he was ok. Now that he was away from his parents and their hatred he felt a little lighter. He was almost happy again, despite the fact his boyfriend was grumbling beside him as they walked. He’d snapped at him twice already, and told him to shut up. He was grumpy and disoriented at being woken up. In fairness, David had been so comfortable cuddled up against him that they’d almost missed the stop. He’d had to shake Matteo awake and drag him, bleary-eyed and half asleep, off the train. 

He was currently muttering to himself that his feet were hurting and that he was tired. And hungry. And he had a headache. And he was cold. David just rolled his eyes and swung their hands as they walked.

“Sorry,” Matteo mumbled after a while.

“You awake now?”

“Yeah just sleepy, that was too much rushing,” he said.

“It’s your own fault, you’re just such a comfortable pillow,” David said.

“Fuck off,” he muttered but there was no heat behind his words. In fact, he just leant against David, putting more and more of his weight on him until David shoved him away.

“Will you walk?” David demanded.

“Tired.”

“Look we’re nearly there,” David said, pointing out his godmother’s house at the end of the street.

“Thank god, that was miles, David.” He was whiny when he was tired and yet somehow David just found it endearing, right now all he could do was smile at him. 

He wasn’t lazy, far from it, would walk or cycle for miles with David when he felt like exploring. But in that moment when he’d just woken up getting him to move was the hardest task in the world. It was the same when it was getting late, Matteo’s energy would dissipate exponentially until David often ended up dragging him around.

“We’re here,” David said, bumping their shoulders.

“Oh.” Matteo just hesitated by the gate.

“I promise she’ll love you,” David said as he pulled him to the door

Matteo wasn’t shy, not really. Sure he was quieter than most, a little hesitant with some people but he was also charming, people warmed to him easily. He was rude in a sarcastic way but he got away with it because of his cheeky smile.

He was shy right now though, David had never seen him bashful like this, he’d just rung the doorbell and they were waiting. Matteo was standing beside him, rocking on the balls of his feet. His head was ducked but David could see the blush on his cheeks.

“Why are you nervous?” David asked.

Matteo shrugged and wouldn’t look up at him, he was pulling at his sleeves. “You got nervous meeting my mum,” he mumbled.

“Emily’s not my mum,” David countered.

Matteo just shrugged again.

The door opened and then Emily was standing there, in her gardening overalls, her dark hair swept back out of her kind warm face. She didn’t look at all surprised to see him, never did, just smiled and waited for him to make a move. She was everything he needed right now and it all hit him again. He’d been completely wrong, he wasn’t ok at all. Everything that had happened was raw and present again and David couldn’t help himself. Despite himself, he started to cry, no matter how hard he tried to hold it in. He felt so rejected, so unwanted, it was just like the day he’d left all over again. He’d thought he’d had it together but he was completely wrong. Emily, unfazed, just tutted and stepped forward, wrapping her arms around him and holding him close.

He was right to come here, he absolutely needed this right now.

“Come in both of you,” Emily said, ushering them in, not letting go of David. She was half his size but yet so strong. She just stood there in the hallway with him for a couple of minutes until he could calm down. He took several deep breaths as she ran her hand up and down his back. Comforting him like she always had.

“Ok?” she asked, after a few more minutes.

“No,” he admitted.

“I know, I know but you’re here now, everything will be ok, I’m here ok?” she said, still holding him tight.

“Ok,” he mumbled against her shoulder. She was right, he was safe here away from it all.

“Hello, you must be Matteo,” she said.

“Hi Emily,” he said shyly.

She was going to be so charmed and enamoured by him. She kept one arm around him and reached out with the other to squeeze Matteo’s shoulder. Eventually, his tears stopped and the overwhelming devastating feeling passed. David stepped back and took another deep breath.

“Ok?”

“No,” he said again.

“Calm?”

“Yeah,” he said. He was calm, he was still upset but he was ok.

“Ok then here’s what’s going to happen, you two are going to take your stuff up to your room and get settled, you can stay as long as you need. Then you’re going to come down here and you can talk about what’s happened, you don’t have to but if you can we will,” she said.

David just nodded.

“When you are ready we’ll sort it, we’ll talk it through and then you can just stay here a while, take some time away, regroup. Only when you’re ready you can go back, and in the meantime, I can get to know my future godson in law-”

“Emily!” He glanced at Matteo, he didn’t think he’d ever seen him so red. He swore he could feel the heat coming off his rosy cheeks. He just reached out and took his hand, leading him upstairs.

“She’s practically your mum you know that’s why you needed to come out here, why it’s not stupid,” Matteo said quietly, David almost didn’t hear him, he was talking more to himself than to David. He did that a lot but David usually caught it because he was always paying attention.

“Huh?” He opened the door and showed Matteo into his room.

“Emily’s like your mum, do you know what I mean? Like sometimes we just need a parent, that’s what she is right? Someone who can just tell you it’s all gonna be ok? Someone to comfort you, chase away all your fears, that’s who she is to you, it’s what your mum should’ve been. But this is better, she loves you so much,” Matteo said, rambling slightly.

“Yeah, that’s what it is,” David agreed.

Matteo just collapsed onto the bed. David took both their bags and put them in the corner by the wardrobe.

“So this wasn’t stupid you know? Like you said at the train station? This is where you need to be right now, thank you for bringing me with you,” Matteo said, he was laying on the bed eyes closed.

David waited for him to open them again before he spoke. “I needed you here, I need you with me and I couldn’t leave you behind either,” he said.

“I get it,” Matteo said softly, “nice room by the way,” he added.

He was being sarcastic but only a little and not to be mean, just gentle teasing. His room here was certainly different from his room at Laura’s house. He’d decorated it when he was thirteen and not much had changed in here since. Football and band posters on the wall. A bright blue carpet with white circles that clashed with the stripey purple bedding on the single bed. It was all far too garish for his tastes now. There was so much colour everywhere but in a very mismatched way. 

There was a lot of his art was on the walls too, in varying styles as he tried on what fitted him.

Matteo turned over onto his stomach and reached out, tracing the letters carved into the headboard. David.

“Vandal,” he whispered.

David crouched down and followed his fingers. “I was eleven when I did that,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“Wanted to make it real,” he said.

“Make your mark, make it permanent?”

“Exactly,” he agreed, “this was the only place I could express myself as a kid, the only place I could be me,” he said. Not like the cream walls and carpet of his parents’ house.

“It is very you, why isn’t your room at Laura's this cool?” Matteo asked, trying to pull him onto the bed.

“Because I’m not twelve,” David said.

Matteo laughed at him. David pulled him up off the bed.

“C’mon get up before Emily comes up here with condoms or something,” he said.

“Would she?” Matteo asked, eyes wide.

“God probably,” David said, it wouldn't surprise him one bit. He couldn’t understand how Emily was ever friends with his parents. She was so vastly different from them. Patient where they were quick to fly off the handle. Understanding where they were judgemental. Kind where they were cold. And of course cool, to the point it was embarrassing, where they were so straight-laced.

Before they headed back downstairs he turned to Matteo and put his hands on his shoulders. “You ok to stay here a few days?” he asked, knowing Matteo sometimes struggled with new places, less so when he was there though.

“Yeah I’m fine, I think tonight I’ll be tired enough to sleep, tomorrow might be iffy but I’ll be ok I think. And I like Emily, she’s sweet, it’s just this is a lot like mama’s house you know? And that’s good for you but I… I probably won’t have nightmares but I might and…”

“I’ll be here too,” David said gently.

“Yeah so I’ll be fine,” Matteo said,

“I’m ok now,” David said.

“Good.”

“Emily will know what to do, or how to help, or she’ll be on my side at least,” David said.

“She will, she’s great. So wanna go vent?”

“Yeah.”

He really did he wanted to air it all, he wanted to vent and rage and let it all out. Tell her, tell both of them how he felt, how they’d let him down. Again. How unfair it all was. Because they would listen, both of them would sit there and listen to him and they’d agree with him because they loved him. He wanted to tell them, he wanted to share.

“Then let’s go.” Matteo led him back downstairs to the kitchen where Emily was waiting with three steaming cups of tea. David sat down opposite Emily and Matteo sat beside him. He was quiet, just there for David, this was his turn to voice his fears. Let them know how upset he was. Matteo just placed a hand on his knee and David began to talk.

“They’re moving,” he began, taking hold of the cup in front of him, warming his hands on the sides.

There was no need to clarify who he was talking about. She knew. “Yeah? Away or…”

“No, they’re just moving, somewhere smaller. But they asked me to come and get my stuff, that there wouldn’t be room at their new place,” he said.

“I see but that in itself is not the problem.”

“No,” he said quietly.

“What did they say?”

“Dad…”

“That man,” she muttered.

“He said I couldn’t come when they were there. That I should come while they’re out. They don’t want to see me. You know what I don’t want to fucking see them either but it was the way he said it Emily, the tone he used it hurt so much,” he gasped. “He was so dismissive. There was no care there. I am his son, his child and I might as well be a stranger to him.”

Matteo squeezed his knee and Emily just waited.

“They don’t miss me at all do they?” he whispered. “Does he even love me anymore? Did he ever?”

“He loves you, they both do but they are just so stubborn. They have this one view of how the world should be and right now you don’t fit in with that. It’s not your fault at all. In behaving this way they are failing you so badly,” she said.

“When will I fit in, when will they let me in?”

“I don’t know sweetheart, there is no answer to this I’m afraid,” she said, reaching out and squeezing his hand.

“I know,” he admitted.

“You’re not here for answers though are you David?”

“No.”

“You came here to be with family,” she said. “You came here because you just needed someone to tell you that everything’s going to be ok.”

“Yeah,” David said.

Emily was always that person, when things were bad she would just sit with him, hold his hand and promise one day things would get better. And they did, look at him now. He was happier than he’d ever been, this was just a blip nothing more. They couldn’t take this happiness from him. All he needed was a little reassurance.

“I can’t speak for the choices your parents have made but they made one good one. They chose me as your godmother and I will always be your family, nothing will ever change that. You can always come to me no matter what’s wrong and I may not have the answer for you but I will be there for you. I love you, David, I always have, since you were this tiny little screaming thing I held in my arms. I vowed to care for you and I always will.”

“I love you, Emily,” David said.

“Love you too sweetheart,” she said, smiling gently at him.

“I just needed a hug,” he admitted, “I just needed to cry.”

“Ah well you can come over for a hug and a cry anytime, you’re my family,” she said.

“You make me feel better when this shit happens,” David said, twisting the cup in his hands, it was going cold already but she hadn’t given it to him to drink. It was something warm to hold, to comfort him, to remind him of happy childhood summers spent here. To help keep him calm while he told her what was going on.

“That’s what I’m here for ok?”

He sighed, feeling so much lighter than when he’d arrived. His worries seemed so small now that he was away from it all. Now that he was here with Emily. They weren’t small at all but they needn’t devastate him, take over him like that. “Yeah I’m ok, or I will be. I will be,” he said.

She nodded. “What are you going to do?”

“Guess I’ll go over get my shit,” David said.

“Yeah?”

“Do you need to?” Matteo asked, finally speaking up. David knew where he was coming from, he still had most of his belongings at his mother’s house but this was different. His mum was lovely, she’d never throw his stuff away, or not intentionally at least. This was deliberately cruel and he wouldn’t give them the satisfaction. He was going to get his stuff back. He was half tempted to go when they were in but he didn’t want to see them. He would go in, grab his stuff and disappear. “It’s my stuff, I want it but... will you come with me?”

Matteo frowned and blinked at him. There was no question of whether or not he was coming, not to him. He’d obviously been planning to come since the start. “Yeah course, is there a lot? Jonas can help if there is,” he offered.

“Yeah maybe, just Jonas though,” David said, not wanting anyone there while he packed up his life.

“Hans?”

“Yeah Hans too,” David agreed.

“They can wait outside, I’ll come in with you, we’ll grab your shit and they can carry it,” Matteo suggested.

There wasn’t that much stuff he actually wanted but he wasn’t going to leave them a single thing of his. He would take everything. Between the four of them they should manage. Hans wouldn’t even question it, David knew he’d gone through similar with his own family. And while Jonas didn’t get it at all, he was the one who helped Matteo out when he needed to get out of his house, he knew how to do it without asking questions. He would just get on with it, quietly supporting him. What a wonderful family he’d made for himself. To have people just have his back without question was truly amazing. He’d always had that in Laura and Emily but now he had so much more. He always had someone he could turn to. 

“Thanks Matteo.”

“You’re a good boyfriend,” Emily said, smiling at him.

Matteo just nodded, blushing. David swore his cheeks were going to be permanently pink at this point.

“Quiet one huh?”

“Mm.”

“That’s alright, I’ll get you chatting just give me a couple of days,” she said.

Matteo just smiled and shrugged, they would get on fine, they could cook together or bond over teasing David. He knew by the time they were ready to leave all that shyness would be gone.

“You two just stay here with me a while and David just take some time out from all of this but make sure you call Laura,” she said, knowing exactly what he was like and how time out for him usually meant radio silence.

“I will but Matteo was already going to text her,” David said.

“Call her,” Emily insisted.

“Yes Emily,” he said cheekily.

“Less of that,” she warned with a grin.

But he was ok, Matteo was right he didn’t need them, she was the parent he needed right now. She would be there for him just like she always was. He had her and he had Laura and Matteo. He had so many friends. He didn’t need them anymore. Maybe Emily was right and one day they would come around, finally understand him. Maybe they wouldn’t and that hurt a lot but he could go on. He would be ok. He would surround himself with people who loved him exactly as he was without condition and he would love back just as strong. Because he was fantastic, he was amazing and it was his parents that were missing out.

Chapter Text

David never thought he would be a clingy boyfriend. Or more like he never thought he would get to be a clingy boyfriend so he always put it to the back of his mind. It wasn't all that surprising though, he'd been an affectionate child, always hanging off his mother’s arm. Crying when she didn’t pay him attention. This was when she tolerated such things of course.

Things had changed and as he grew up he started to realise that kind of behaviour wasn't allowed. Not for him at least. He had to be tough, had to be aloof and cold so people left him alone. So he could just get by unnoticed. He would watch the other kids at school and there always seemed to be these rules that no one had told him. The girls would hug each other. The boys refused because hugging was gay or girly. Instead, they wrestled, fist-bumped and hi-fived, starved of physical contact as they were. 

David didn't get either, he wasn’t allowed, he was different and no one wanted him. 

He’d thought that was it, as good as it got. 

He never really thought he’d get a boyfriend with the way he insisted he could go it alone and he’d learnt to accept that. 

So he never really thought he would get this.

This being him becoming the guy who needed to be touching his boyfriend at every opportunity. A squeeze on the arm as he passed by, hands tangled whenever walked anywhere, a head resting atop his shoulder whenever they were sitting together. 

Being late to class because Matteo had walked with him and he’d had to give him one last kiss, which turned into two or three and he’d had to run in. Not to mention all the times Laura had walked in on them cuddling on the sofa, she’d given up teasing him by this point. Realised he had no shame.

On more than one occasion he had been thumped by Leonie for texting Matteo while she was talking to him because Matteo had only been on the other side of the room. But he’d been pulling faces at him, he’d had to text him. It had hurt too, Leonie was strong. And mean.

It was as if all the affection he’d buried deep down and locked away over the years was just spilling out of him. As if one hug from Matteo had opened the flood gates and no matter what he did he couldn't stop it. Because all the affection he gave out was reciprocated in kind. He met Matteo and realised he really could have this. That this expression of love and affection would be returned to him. 

If someone had told him last year that he would become the guy who was constantly touching his boyfriend he would've laughed in their face. The idea that he would feel bereft when said boyfriend wasn’t draped over him like a blanket was ludicrous to him. 

Matteo was just as bad. Reaching for him whenever he was nearby. Whining whenever he had to leave. Sulking when he didn’t pay him enough attention. Not that David helped by insisting they always sat together and when there wasn't room for that would make them sit on the floor so they could cuddle. On the rare occasion that Matteo didn't spend the night David would end up on the phone until the early hours of the morning. Getting no sympathy from Laura when he dragged himself, exhausted, into the kitchen the next day. 

It had been almost a year and Matteo's touch was still all-consuming. Still warmed him in ways he could have never imagined, lit fires in him that couldn't be quenched. It still quelled his racing heart when he was panicking. Still silenced his overwhelming mind on those days when everything felt wrong, on those days when he felt turned inside out. When he felt like a jumbled up broken mess, a mockery of the man he wanted to see in the mirror Matteo would thread their fingers together. He would step up behind him, hook his chin over his shoulder and hold him tighter than he'd ever been held before. 

It fixed nothing but it reminded David that he had the strength to get through it, to face the day and see the next one. That just because he couldn't see himself properly at that moment didn't mean Matteo saw him differently. Matteo's gaze, the look he gave him never changed, never wavered. Always made him feel seen, right down to his core. It was both terrifying and wonderful. 

So yeah David was a clingy boyfriend and he didn't care who knew it. Because he'd never dreamed of this but now that he had it he was going to revel in it.

Not that he could right now, Jonas having forced him to get up to get more beer from the kitchen. Saying it was his apartment and thus his responsibility. He’d had to leave Matteo’s warm embrace where he’d been so cosy and comfortable. And now he was standing in front of the open fridge shivering and fantasising about those arms that he’d left behind. He’d had about four beers already, he was feeling extra clingy tonight.

Carlos had teased him as he’d gotten up, asked him if he wanted Matteo to call him on the phone while he was in the kitchen. David had just flipped him off, he didn’t care. He wasn’t going to let Carlos of all people judge him for being affectionate.

He grabbed the beers and headed back to the living room when he heard what they were talking about. They were teasing Matteo now. Mocking him because apparently he’d started whining the moment David had left the room. He’d had more beer than him and was well on his way to being clingy drunk Matteo. Which was pretty much the same as regular Matteo but with a bit more stumbling.

“God you two are insufferable,” Abdi said, “you always gotta make me feel so lonely,” he complained.

“Sorry,” Matteo mumbled.

He didn’t sound all too sorry about it. They all knew he wasn’t going to tone it down. That the minute David got back in there they would be wrapped around each other again.

“You are just so clingy Luigi.” That was Jonas speaking, he sounded so fond, so proud.

He knew Matteo better than anyone, knew what he was like, what he needed from a boyfriend. Had actually commented on it once, told David he was perfect because it seemed he’d never tire of cuddling Matteo. That he’d never get fed up of how much Matteo could be sometimes. David had just replied that Matteo would never be too much anything.

Matteo just laughed quietly. “Can’t help it,” he mumbled.

“You ever worry it’s too much?” Carlos asked.

The tone of the conversation changed immediately.

“Too much?” Matteo asked. 

David gripped the box he was holding tightly at the underlying fear in his boyfriend’s voice but he didn’t step out there yet.

“You know the way you are with David? You ever wonder when it might get too much? You can be a lot you know?”

Somehow David hadn’t ripped the box, despite how tightly he was gripping it. He took a deep breath and tried to calm down. Carlos didn’t mean anything by it, he was just being stupid. But he felt annoyed, couldn’t help it.

“What do you mean?” Matteo asked quietly.

But he knew, he knew exactly what Carlos meant he could hear it in his voice. He already knew. It was something he feared, something David had reassured him of it countless times and would continue to do so for as long as it took. He also knew Carlos wasn’t trying to be mean, he was just drunk, they all were.

“You know like you’re so clingy but David is cool, right? He’s arty and all that. Like yeah, he’s nowhere near as cool as you first painted him to be but he is sporty and stuff. He’s like the toughest and coolest out of all of us you know? So it makes sense he isn’t as over the top as you right? You don’t worry he’ll get tired of it? Like you’ll get on his nerves?”

“No.” Matteo sounded so lost and quiet now, in part due to the alcohol but mostly because of Carlos’ comment. That wouldn’t do at all.

Were they fucking blind? Did they think he didn’t want Matteo clinging to him at every possible moment? That he didn’t want to be doing the same thing? They were the ones that were annoying, interrupting them and wanting to hang out all the time. Ok, that last part wasn’t quite fair but what Carlos was saying was so far from the truth. Where was this whole thing coming from? He could be sporty and soft. He could be arty and cool and still show affection to his boyfriend. Hell, he needed to. Had they seen Matteo? How could he not cuddle him at every possible opportunity?

One thing Carlos hadn’t mentioned though? How stubborn and competitive he was. Well, he was going to show them. They thought Matteo was the clingy one? How dare they? Just wait. He’d show them clingy.

He stepped out of the kitchen and calmly put the box of beers on the coffee table. He grabbed one for himself and one for Matteo before letting the boys at the rest. He opened Matteo’s beer and handed it over with a kiss to his cheek. Nothing unusual there. Matteo still went pink but accepted his beer graciously.

“Thanks, David,” he murmured as David sat down beside him.

David just beamed at him and settled against him. He wrapped his arms around him and lay his head on his chest. “Love you,” he whispered.

Matteo just blinked slowly at him, he was so sweet and a little drunk. “Love you too.” 

“Love you the most,” David said, crawling on top him and pressing soft tender kisses across his cheekbones, his forehead, the tip of his nose, finally his lips. They were warm and dry, slightly chapped and tasting of beer. David just kissed him slowly until he heard Matteo’s bottle fall to the floor with a clunk. He just grinned when Matteo tried to shove him away and reach out to grab the bottle. David held him in place and reached out to right the bottle. Some had spilt but it wasn’t too bad, he would clean it up later. 

Instead of letting Matteo up, he moulded himself to him, covering him and pressing him further and further into the sofa. He buried his face in his neck, pulling at his shirt to pepper soft kisses along his collarbones. He was starting to forget that he’d wanted to prove a point, that they had an audience. This was how he got around Matteo all the time. There was nothing on his mind but Matteo. He ran his fingers down his sides, tracing his ribs and digging them in, gripping him tight. Matteo didn’t even flinch, just gazed at him love drunk and slightly inebriated.

“Hey,” Matteo murmured.

“Hey Teo.” David kept a tight hold of him, even though he was already pretty much laid out on top of him. 

Matteo just sighed contently, enjoying being weighed down, being held. David reached up and cupped his face, rubbing his thumb over his lips and gazing into his eyes.

Jonas cleared his throat. “Alright there boys? Want us to leave or…”

David shrugged and didn’t look away. “Couldn’t care less, I just want to snuggle with my boyfriend.”

“Ok?” He said it slowly, drawn-out, obviously confused. 

It wasn’t anything they hadn’t seen before. Maybe David was being a bit more obvious about it because he was showing off. He suddenly remembered the point of his little display. “Problem?” He finally tore he eyes away from Matteo to see Jonas shaking his head, still so confused. He hadn’t even said anything in the first place. Hell, he probably would’ve said something to Carlos if David hadn’t marched in and thrown himself on top of Matteo.

“No of course not dude,” he said.

“Good.” David shifted down slightly, pushing Matteo to lay down, then stretched out on top of him, wrapping his arms tight around Matteo and leaning his head on his chest. Matteo looked at him a little bemused but he returned the hug. It was still too tentative like he was still worried about being too much. David wondered how much Carlos’ words were spinning around in that head of his.

“Hug me properly,” David insisted, giving him a squeeze.

“Are you ok?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah I guess I’m just feeling extra clingy tonight,” David said, turning to the boys now, raising an eyebrow. 

He saw the moment the three of them got it. Carlos’ face turned apologetic immediately. “I didn't mean-”

“Then don’t say it,” David said.

“I just meant-”

“Maybe just keep quiet next time,” David suggested.

“David be nice,” Jonas warned. 

He was being a little shitty he supposed. He tended to be a little blind when it came to Matteo. “Ok. Sorry just felt a little defensive. Don’t say shit like that man.”

“I am sorry,” Carlos said.

David continued to stare. 

“I’m sorry Matteo,” Carlos said.

“It’s ok,” Matteo mumbled, he wasn’t even listening, too busy playing with David’s hair.

“I was being stupid,” Carlos said, “don’t even know what I was thinking really.” He gestured at them, the way they were currently wrapped around each other.

“Wait why are you sorry?” Matteo asked, finally catching up. He’d been too busy revelling in David’s cuddles to pay attention to the conversation.

“I’m sorry for what I said about you being too clingy, clearly it was bullshit,” Carlos said, raising his beer to David who just winked at him.

“Ok?” 

Matteo was still confused, couldn’t really focus on the conversation at hand when he was being held like this. He seemed to have forgotten about what Carlos said anyway. Was hugging David back with everything he had.

“Or they’re both too clingy,” Abdi said, clinking his beer against Carlos’.

Jonas chuckled now but David rolled his eyes. He sat up, ignoring the way Matteo whined.

“Ok it wasn’t funny when Carlos said it, it’s not funny when you say it. What the fuck is wrong with me hugging Matteo? When did that become a thing to avoid? I’m showing him affection you know, I just think-”

“Calm down David, you’re such a grumpy drunk,” Matteo muttered, pulling him back down, “so defensive.” 

“I’m not drunk and he’s being rude!” David argued but it was hard with the way Matteo was running his hands over his back. Feather-light touches making him shiver.

“No, I know dude! I have no problem with you cuddling and shit, it’s fine, it’s sweet. It’s just you could be a little more sensitive man? You know I’m single and there you are rubbing it my face every minute. And you David? You’re so much worse than Matteo. At least he’s humble about it, knows he’s totally extra. He always looks so pleasantly surprised whenever you give him a kiss or hold his hand but you? You’re so fucking cocky about it like you’ve won the damn lottery or something…” He trailed off looking surprised that he’d said all that. Clearly, he felt he’d been suffering.

David couldn’t help but laugh, as sorry as he felt about it was pretty funny and the comically hopeless expression on Abdi’s face didn’t help. “It does feel like that sometimes,” he said quietly.

All three boys groaned in unison. But Matteo just smiled at him fondly, blinking slowly and staring at him with that slightly dazed expression he always wore. Like he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing. David would never tire of that look.

He turned and watched Jonas wrap his arm around Abdi. “I’ll always cuddle you bro,” he offered.

“Not the fucking same and you know it,” Abid said but he continued to lean against Jonas.

David gave him a sympathetic smile then turned back to Matteo.

“Hey,” Matteo said softly.

“Hey,” David said.

They weren’t interrupted that time, so David reached out and cradled Matteo’s face in his hand. “You’ll never be too much anything for me, you know that right? I can’t ever get enough of you,” he promised.

Matteo just shrugged but he believed him.

“It’s like… when I was a kid, I was really cuddly and then as I got older it was as if I was expected to just stop. Because if I wanted to be a real man I wouldn't want to hug, not even from my mum. I mean by that point she wouldn’t even speak to me but you get what I mean? It was as if I had to prove something. When I say I have to work harder at it, this is what I mean. All these fucking standards. I wasn’t supposed to be affectionate. Right? And then I meet all of you and you’re just all over each other all the time and like that was so weird to me.”

Matteo nodded because he understood exactly where he was coming from. Had felt the exact same thing. He’d been terrified every time he’d hugged Jonas that somehow he’d know.

Matteo leant up and pressed several tender kisses to his temple. David reached out and grabbed Matteo’s hand where it was resting on his back. He entwined their fingers and held them up in front of them. Shifting he tilted his head so he could look at Matteo properly. “Remember when we met? You made that joke about holding hands?”

“Mm?”

“I wanted to hold your hand, right then and there. I couldn’t, obviously, even if I wasn’t trying to go unnoticed that would’ve been way too much-”

“I would’ve let you,” Matteo mumbled.

He so would’ve and then they would have just stood there holding hands in the corridor just not saying anything because they hardly knew each other. He still would’ve like to though.

“Well, I know that now but I’d only just met you,” David reminded him. “But I remember talking to you instead and all I wanted was to just wrap you up in my arms, just lay against you and listen to your heartbeat, to trace my fingertips across those lips and run my fingers through your hair. I had to leave when Sara came or I would’ve strangled her.” He broke off to laugh at how frustrated he’d been. Never before had he wanted someone so much.

“No you wouldn’t’ve,” Matteo said, but he squeezed his hand tight.

“And we hung out some more and it kept getting worse and then the party-”

“Ugh the party,” Matteo muttered.

“What do you mean ugh?”

“Fucking Alex and Mia, you were supposed to kiss me,” Matteo said.

“Yeah I was but in fairness, if I had kissed you, you would’ve probably started crying,” David teased, leaning forward and brushing his lips across Matteo’s not quite kissing him, just like that night.

“Fuck off,” Matteo whispered against his lips.

David pulled back but didn’t go very far, leaning their foreheads together instead.

“Do you remember when we had our first real kiss and I spent the night and-”

Carlos wolf-whistled and without even hesitating or looking away from Matteo, David flung a pillow at his head. He knew he’d hit him from the squeal it caused.

He just grinned to himself.

“So I held you all night and-”

“So you just cuddled?” Abdi demanded.

“We made out too,” Matteo said smugly.

“Yeah and then you fell asleep and I just held you. And even though I was terrified and so fucking uncomfortable, my mind wasn’t racing at all. I don’t know how but somehow I was calm. So I just held you and watched you sleep and you just kept snuggling further and further against me like you thought I’d disappear and I remember thinking, because I did need to leave, I remember thinking I just can’t, I’m not going anywhere right now. Because here was safe-”

“Always safe.”

“But then the next time? When I came over to tell you? I’d never been more scared in my life. Because I was losing you and I just couldn’t bear it. I was so afraid and my heart was pounding and I was seconds away from just breaking down. I came over to talk and I just stood there and even though you were so sad and mad with me you just held out your arms and it was ok. Everything was ok. You would wait a little longer. And you didn’t let go of me, no matter how much I tried to put some distance you didn’t let go, and you held me all night instead, and it was like… you just knew and you were trying to tell me not to pull away. You knew something was wrong and you were trying to tell me it would be fine. We didn’t speak at all. We didn’t need to and I actually fell asleep, as terrified as I was.”

“I snapped at you in the morning though,” Matteo reminded him.

“Yeah you get pretty sulky when I pull away from your hugs, I was testing your patience and you got annoyed. That’s ok,” David insisted. “But I think what I’m trying to say is, you don’t ever have to worry about being too clingy or too much. Because I need it. It’s not too much, it’ll never be too much. Matteo I went eight years without anyone but Laura to hug, and she’s amazing and wonderful and I love her so much but it’s nothing like this. Laura kept me safe all these years until I found you. Your hugs make me feel safe but they make me feel strong too, they don’t make me feel like I’m going to be ok, they make me feel like I already am. When you hold my hand I feel anchored in the storm, secure in your grip. When you kiss me, I forget everything else. It literally melts away. It’s you and only you and I will never get enough of you, never tire of you.”

Damn, what was Matteo talking about saying he was grumpy drunk. He was a sappy drunk, cuddly and affectionate too. Matteo just gazed up at him, eyes shining.

“That was beautiful dude,” Abdi whispered.

“Such a fucking artist,” Carlos said at the same time.

“You can go now,” David said, not taking his eyes from Matteo’s. 

There were sounds of outrage from the other sofa but Jonas stood up and shepherded them toward the door. 

“Fucking ridiculous,” Carlos muttered on his way past.

“We didn’t even get food!” Abdi complained.

Jonas just winked and crouched down so he was at eye-level with David. “You’re so good for each other dudes, you’re just… perfect, exactly what the other needs, just perfect,” he rambled. 

“Ok there Jonas?” David asked.

“I’m happy you’re happy, I’m so happy Matteo’s happy, he’s my very best friend you know? He was so sad and now he’s so happy, you made him that way dude.” Jonas reached out, probably to ruffle Matteo’s hair but he swatted his hand away.

“Nah he did it all by himself,” David countered, gazing down at his smiling boyfriend.

“But you helped,” Jonas said, “you made him braver, and he makes you braver too.”

“He does,” David whispered.

“Go. Away.” Matteo said.

“Later Luigi, bye David,” Jonas said, “right boys, who wants kebabs?” 

David listened to them arguing over who was paying until the door swung shut and the room fell silent.

“Hey you,” he said.

“Hey.”

“You make me so happy, I’m never letting go of you,” David said.

“Good,” Matteo whispered.

“Carlos is so annoying,” David said, shaking his head. There was no heat behind it though, in fact, he knew sounded fond. Carlos was his friend and he never meant any harm, he was just dumb sometimes.

“Got me extra cuddles though so I can’t be too mad,” Matteo said, grinning up at him

It had worked his ridiculous plan. Matteo had one hand round his wrist, and the other on his hip holding him close. All fears of being too much banished from his mind.

“Love you, Matteo,” David murmured.

“Love you too, you competitive idiot, god forbid anyone thinks you give fewer cuddles than me!”

“Oh fuck you!”

Matteo held his hands up, ready to be tackled, David gripped them and held him down, just smiling down at him. Matteo smiled up at him innocently until David couldn’t do anything but lean down and kiss him. Because he could. As much as he wanted to. He was allowed now. He had all this love in him to give and he was allowed to.

Chapter Text

David was done, absolutely done. He couldn’t do it anymore, he was finished, it was over, done. He’d just quit. Just like that. Or… not officially, he’d been about five minutes from walking out when fucking Leo came into the open plan to send him home. Because he was getting too emotional whatever the fuck that meant.

Fucking Leo nineteen years old and only there because his father had given him the job. No talent, no passion, didn’t even care. David had been there three and a half years and had nothing to show for it. So he’d walked out, with no plan of returning. No plan at all. He didn’t think they were expecting him back so that was that.

Three and a half years. It was only supposed to be a starting point, just a step up for him to get something bigger. He wanted to make real movies not these silly little forgotten videos for mass consumption. They were fun and he would even enjoy it if it wasn’t for the company, the pressure, his bosses. He hated it. Every day he dreaded it, every night he was so relieved to leave.

He got off the bus and stopped dead. Fuck what had he done? He’d just quit his fucking job without a plan or anything. God, what were they going to do? They had rent, bills to pay, food. What the hell had he done? He had no money coming in. He’d just had a tantrum and left. He’d fucked up big time. Now he had to go and explain himself.

He dragged himself up to the apartment, terrified of facing Matteo, of disappointing him. He wouldn't be mad, Matteo was never mad but he’d just made their lives a whole lot harder. And that was devastating. Still, he needed Matteo more than anything right now so he stepped into the apartment and leant against the door.

Everything felt so heavy and his eyes were burning with unshed tears. He took a deep breath and then another. He tried to calm himself down. He could hear Matteo in the kitchen, cooking him dinner even though he too had been at work all day.

He took another deep breath and headed to the kitchen. There was Matteo at the stove, such a familiar sight. He had his headphones on and was bopping along to whatever he was listening to. David had gotten him a speaker for the kitchen but he tended to prefer his headphones. David didn’t mind, as long as Matteo was singing he didn’t mind.

Right now he was humming along to a tune David didn’t recognise but he felt a warmth wash over him. Just for a second, he felt like maybe everything would be ok. He leant against the doorframe and watched Matteo, completely unaware of him. Or so he thought.

Matteo looked over his shoulder with a grin. “Hey you’re just in time it’s pretty much ready-” his grin faded slightly as he looked at David. His weak smile obviously wasn’t convincing, “hey,” he said again, softer this time, as he turned down the heat and walked over to him.

And suddenly he just knew it was going to be ok. It was going to be ok. Matteo wouldn’t be disappointed with him. Matteo had been telling him to quit for months, years even. David realised it was fine. Yeah, they were probably fucked, they were probably going to have to live pretty tight for a while until he figured something out. But Matteo wasn’t going to leave. He would support him always, he’d figure out ways to keep them fed, stretch out what they had to make bills and rent. Even if they had to move, no matter where they ended up Matteo was his home.

He just stepped into Matteo’s arms and closed his eyes.

“I’ve had such a shit day Matteo,” he whispered.

Matteo pulled back and looked him over, reaching out and stroking his cheek. “Talk about it?”

David nodded.

“Come sit,” Matteo said.

David quietly followed him to the counter and sat on the stool.

“I made casserole,” Matteo said, grabbing a tray out of the oven where he’d kept it warm. He placed it on the counter in front of David and then grabbed the pot with the vegetables. He grabbed some plates before sitting opposite him and gesturing for David to help himself.

David couldn’t. His hands were shaking, he felt so overwhelmed by Matteo right now. Even though he knew Matteo wouldn’t be disappointed, knew it would be ok, David felt awful. Matteo sighed and got up from his stool, walking round to David’s side and just wrapped his arms around him, holding him tight. “Talk to me David,” he whispered.

“I’ve had the worst fucking day Matteo,” he mumbled.

“Mm?”

“You know that video I did, with Quinn Mathers, the author?”

“Yeah it was amazing,” Matteo said, nodding eagerly.

Quinn was a trans sci-fi writer whose work David had been a fan of for a few years. He didn’t even like sci-fi until he read Quinn’s work. He’d started because Quinn was trans and David wanted to support marginalised authors but he got sucked in and now Matteo said he was a superfan. When he’d gotten the chance to interview Quinn he’d almost died. Almost turned it down he was so nervous. Matteo had just rolled his eyes and told him to pull himself together.

Quinn was a genius too, the interview had been amazing. He’d gotten way too much material from it but he was such an insightful and well-spoken guy, all David had been able to do was listen and try not to stutter through his questions.

He’d been so excited to share it. Let people get to know the real Quinn. Share info Quinn hadn’t shared before and David had that opportunity. Quinn trusted David for some reason, liked him and wanted to give him a break.

“They won’t accept it,” David whispered, “said it wasn’t in the tone of the website.”

“Oh fuck them,” Matteo said, squeezing him tight and then pulling back to face him.

“Matteo this meant so much to me,” David said, rubbing furiously at his eyes.

“I know David, I know,” Matteo said. “How hungry are you?”

David felt guilty, Matteo had cooked all this food for him and he couldn’t face it. “Not very, I feel sick,” he admitted.

“Ok let me just put this back in the oven to keep it warm and then let’s go talk,” Matteo said.

David watched Matteo clear everything away, feeling guilty even though he didn’t need to. Matteo wasn’t angry or annoyed with him. Just took his hand and lead him into the living room, drawing the curtains and putting on the lamps before switching the main light off. He sat down on the sofa and David climbed on top of him, Matteo’s arms immediately circling him again.

“But it’s not just the interview,” David said as Matteo settled him on his lap. “It’s everything. Every time I deviated from the stupid boring categories they’ve got me on I get written up. Warned not to break the mould and I’m fucking sick of it. I’ve stayed there because I wanted a job where I can be creative but fuck it I haven’t been creative in years. Matteo, I just churn out video after video about the same mindless shit and it’s the same fucking thing every time and when I want to make a story about something that interests me I’m told no. And then when I try to argue my case they send fucking Leo, the stupid kid to tell me I’m being too emotional.

“Too emotional? What the fuck! Matteo, do you know what they meant by that? Do you know what they were implying? They knew exactly why the interview was important to me Matteo, how the fuck do they even see me? How fucking dare they? But then I couldn’t help it because I was upset and I was fucking close to tears so maybe I am too emotional but not like how they implied and what the fuck is wrong with emotion? Why the fuck can’t I put some emotion or feeling into my stories? Because the advertisers won’t sponsor it? Get better fucking advertisers and then- and then-”

“Breathe,” Matteo said, shifting them so he was laying on the couch and David was on top of him, on his back staring at the ceiling through his tears. Matteo placed a hand on his chest, just feeling his racing heart, the fast measure of his breath, just waiting, trying to slow it.

“I-”

David gasped, he couldn’t catch his breath.

“Just breathe a minute. I’m listening, I hear you. I want you to keep going but I need you to breath for a minute. I wanna hear everything but you’re gonna stop being able to talk so just take a minute for me ok?” Matteo said gently, still holding him tight.

“Ok,” David said. He closed his eyes and focussed on the way Matteo was holding him, grounding him, he felt so safe, so comforted. He took a deep breath, then another, relaxing into Matteo.

“Ok?” Matteo said.

“Yeah,” David whispered.

“I’m here,” Matteo said, “I’m listening.”

“I just broke you know? I just called them out on everything. Told my boss he had absolutely no integrity, that people wanted to see real shit so what harm did it do? Why the fuck did we have to censor ourselves to keep the fucking sponsors happy? Did they not want to reach an audience? And he came back and said my views had been so low I had no room to talk and that’s not fucking fair Matteo. Of course, they are low, I don’t get to talk about what I want.

“Matteo they promised me that when we were up and running I would get a queer space to talk and they won’t. They’re not going to. Said there’s no place for it on their site. What the fuck am I going to do? I’ve wasted three years of my life and I don’t even want to do this. I want to make movies and I’m still fucking here and I don’t know what to do,” David said, finally breaking and letting the tears fall in earnest, giving into his sobs. He turned over and buried his face in Matteo’s chest.

His boyfriend just continued to hold him, rubbing his back gently until he could calm down. “Did you quit?” he asked.

“Yeah, I think so,” David mumbled.

“Good.”

“Good?”

“I’ve been telling you for years to quit David,” Matteo said, stroking away his tears and smiling at him.

“Yeah but I don’t have another job, what the fuck am I gonna do?” David reminded him.

He had to go back. He’d have to go back and beg for his job back. He couldn’t just quit.

“We’ll figure something out,” Matteo said.

David sat up, ignoring Matteo’s whine, not letting him pull him back down. “No it’s not fair, we have rent we have bills, I can’t put it on you,” he said.

“It’ll work out,” Matteo said.

“No-”

“It’ll work out David I have faith in you, you’ll get something else,” Matteo insisted.

“I-”

“And anyway I’ve been saving,” Matteo said.

“Saving?”

“Like any extra money I had just in case,” Matteo said, grinning up at him.

“In case I quit?” David asked slowly.

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

“What the fuck Matteo?” David demanded, he wasn’t angry he was stunned. He probably sounded angry but Matteo knew him well enough by now.

He obviously wasn’t worried if the way he was just smiling up at him fondly was anything to go by.

“We’ve been doing ok for a while and I thought you know, you’d be ready soon to make that jump to chase your dreams again. So I’ve been saving. We’re good for a few months, I promise. Take your time, recoup, take a break even. Start working on your own stuff again, write again, put yourself forward for things you want to work on, don’t think of the money for a while,” he said.

“But Matteo you-”

“I know I’m not earning the big bucks like you, but I’m happy at the bookshop, and we’re not going anywhere, people still want books. So let me support you?” he offered.

David couldn’t help it, he started to cry again. That this kind generous man was his boyfriend astounded him. He would literally give him anything. He’d been thinking of him always. Just quietly putting by so he was ready to support him the moment David was ready to make the jump. David didn’t even feel guilty, it was clear this was something Matteo wanted and he couldn’t even argue. He knew he’d do the same if things were the other way around.

Thankfully Matteo was still happy working in the bookstore where his mother had found him a job after school finished. The owner, Anna, was an old family friend who’d just needed a bit of help here and there. After working there about a year Anna’s health took a downturn and she left Matteo pretty much running the place while she recovered. He’d thrived at that and five years later he was still there, working full time, still in charge of everything and doing well at it.

In addition, he found the time to study psychology part-time, online mostly, a few classes in the evenings. But at his own pace, that was the important thing. So what if it took him five or six years to get his degree? He was studying it because it was interested in it, not for the piece of paper at the end.

The important thing was it all fit Matteo. If he had a day, a week or even months where he couldn’t get up and face the day he was never punished for it. They worked it out, Anna and Marco, the student who worked there part-time, rallying round to make sure Matteo knew he was to take his time, recover and not come back a moment before he was ready.

David could never do that at his place. Wouldn’t even try. He’d caught the flu one winter and had been sent home with a laptop, expected to continue working “between naps” his boss had said.

Matteo had pretty much confiscated the laptop, told him if he didn’t rest that flu was going to become pneumonia and he would end up in the hospital. He may have been afraid of his boss but he didn’t dare mess with Matteo when he was taking care of him. He was somehow both the gentlest and fiercest caretaker David had ever known. He’d been a nightmare after his surgery overly fussing yet refusing to hug him until the deadlines the surgeon had given him were up. Even though David had been told to judge it himself.

David just sighed. He wanted to be happy with his work like Matteo was. He wanted to be able to come home at the end of the day and relax with his boyfriend not worry about deadlines. He wanted to be creative.

“I… I… I wanna work on my own stuff,” David said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I know… it’s not going to be easy but… I want to, I want to be happy and that would make me happy,” David said.

Matteo nodded.

“Hey, I could always make you a website if you like. I’m not bad, I made one for the bookstore remember?”

David smiled at him, he had made one for Anna, set up a small online shop for her too. Helped bring her into the twenty-first century she’d said.

“But you could start your own like… there are platforms already and I could help you get set up. But it’d be nice if it was your own. With all your art too, that’d be really cool. And you could stick it to them. And you could talk to Quinn, ask if he’d let you put the interview up on your site, he’s a nice guy, he’d get it. Maybe you could just… I don’t know like you wanted to do queer media right? I know the dream is movies but you could start with this… and I know you can make it. It’s not a race, you make such brilliant content it wouldn’t even take long, you’d have a million subscribers in a month,” Matteo said.

David just stared at him. He remembered that time once when he’d said he could go it alone, thought he was destined to that kind of life. How the hell would he have gotten through all this alone? How could he go without this unconditional, overwhelming support from this man? He wasn’t even scared of the future, even if the website didn’t work, even if he never got anywhere, he could just go work at the bookshop with Matteo and be happy. But he would make it, he’d make it because he had Matteo by his side, gentle encouragement to keep him going always.

“David?”

“Yeah?”

“It’ll be ok,” Matteo said.

“I know,” David said.

“You do?”

“Yeah because you’re here,” David said.

It would be ok, always. He would be ok because he had Matteo, he wasn’t alone, he didn’t have to deal with anything alone again. All this time he’d been struggling at work he’d been ok because he’d always been able to come home to Matteo. The moment he’d walked out that evening, even though he was stressed and scared, he’d known deep down it would be ok. Even though he’d been afraid of disappointing Matteo he’d known that was his own view. That Matteo would never be disappointed, that he’d just take him in his arms and make everything ok again.

No matter how many shitty days there would be in the future, and there would be more, it didn’t matter because he had Matteo, he had a home with this man and he could escape from it all with him.

Chapter Text

David wanted to drop out. Well not drop out, that was a little dramatic. Maybe just murder his Professor. Anderson that pretentious prick. His course, History of Communication was dull, he was dull, the other students were dull. David had hated it since the start of the semester. Ever since he’d decided to try and be a little impressive and write about something that interested him. So he wrote a long piece on the history of black cinema, pretty much an essay on the lack of diversity through the past century. He’d gotten it back with a D. Because he’d apparently gone off-topic and it wasn’t what Anderson was looking for.

He’d written about something a bit more interesting than fucking Hitchcock or whoever it was Anderson was into.

Yeah maybe David was a bit pissed about it but he felt he had every right to be. The class was boring and he’d tried to make it a bit more interesting and he’d been punished for it. He knew his essay was good. He’d shown it to Max, the postgrad who ran his study group for Cinematic Themes and he’d loved it. He’d said it was very insightful. Decided to focus a huge section of his thesis on black cinema just for that. David was helping, Max had cleared it with their supervisors, needed him to consult and he would get extra credit. David knew his work was good, Max wouldn’t want him if it wasn’t. So he didn’t need the opinion of some sixty-year-old white guy whose view of cinema was completely blind and narrow-minded.

But now he hated the class and didn’t want to write his essay on the evolution of film. Because he knew it wouldn't be good enough, he couldn’t write about what he wanted and instead would have to focus on the driest of topics.

He was so stressed about it. How was this one essay worth forty percent of his grade? And the whole module was twenty credits so he needed to pass. It didn't matter how much he hated it, he needed to get it done. He’d been at it for four hours and all he had so far was a very flimsy outline and no real plan. Now it was almost ten and this was due tomorrow.

“David,” Matteo said, from where he was laying on the bed, hanging off the edge, watching him. Probably wanting him to come to bed.

David wasn't going to be sleeping tonight though and he didn't know how to tell Matteo that without causing him to fuss.

“Busy Matteo,” he muttered, pulling out his notes again and scanning through them. Trying to find an idea, inspiration, something.

“Ok,” Matteo said quietly.

Then he got up and began to wander around the room fidgeting with his cameras. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw him pulling a face and taking a selfie. David sighed, wishing Matteo would just go to bed so he could focus.

“David?”

“Yes, Matteo?”

“Can’t you take a break? I wanted to tell you about the comet now,” Matteo said, he’d been wanting to tell him since he’d gotten home from work. He’d come bounding in excited and eager to tell him. David had had to tell him no, that he couldn’t hear all about Matteo’s sudden interest in astrophysics.

“I’m busy,” David reminded him.

“Ok,” Matteo said, flopping back onto the bed and grabbing his phone.

After a few more minutes there was some intro music and then some show started on his phone.

“Matteo for fuck sakes headphones,” David snapped, then cursed himself for being so short with his boyfriend.

“Sorry,” Matteo mumbled, stopping the video and rummaging around for some headphones. He got up and tiptoed over to the desk, opening the drawers.

“Jesus Christ Matteo,” David said.

“I’ve got them, sorry I’ll be quiet now, sorry,” Matteo said and David felt awful. He reached out and squeezed his hand quickly.

“It’s ok, I just gotta focus ok?”

As soon as this was over Matteo would have his full attention but he if he wanted to get it finished he actually had to make a start.

Matteo just nodded and went back to the bed. He was pretty silent after that. Somehow that was worse, every now and then he’d glance up at his boyfriend, sat on the bed focused on whatever he was watching on his phone. That was distracting enough but every now and then he’d laugh loudly making him jump and lose what little focus he had.

Finally, he started to get an idea, it wasn’t anything interesting or even good but it should scrape him a pass. He finally started getting into the flow of things, it was slow and bitty but it was all coming together and-

“David?”

“Yes Matteo?” he said through gritted teeth.

“Can I tell you about the comet now?”

David took a deep breath and looked at his phone for the time. Matteo rocked on his feet nervously and David sighed, that guilty feeling came back and he realised he’d ignored Matteo all night. He wanted nothing more than to listen to whatever he had to say but he knew that Matteo was going to talk at length about this, he was so excited and David didn’t have time.

“I’ll be quick,” Matteo said, “please?”

“And you’ll be quiet after?” David said, trying not to be snappy with him.

He knew he’d failed when Matteo blinked nervously, hesitant and unsure of whether or not to continue.

“Go on then,” David said, hating how mean he sounded.

“Ok so… er… there’s this comet, right? Have you heard about it? It’s really close to the earth right now and for the next couple of days and we might actually be able to see it, with the naked eye I mean.” He paused there, waiting to see if he was going to be stopped. David should've stopped him but he didn’t, so Matteo continued. “Ok and so I was thinking we should go, I don’t know maybe at the weekend? We could go out of the city. See this is probably going to be the last comet we’ll see so well in our lifetimes, because of light pollution and stuff they think we won’t see anymore. And this particular comet won’t be back for seven-thousand years so obviously we won’t see it again.” Matteo grinned at him, on a roll now and David needed him to stop talking, needed to get back to his essay. “It’s like sixty million miles away but we’ll be able to see it with just our eyes. And I think you might have the right camera to take a picture if you like, you have that fancy lens right?”

Matteo hesitated again, smiling. He had so much more to say and David knew he needed to stop him and go back to his work. But he didn’t he just nodded. So Matteo kept going.

“Ok so it’s not actually that big it’s only like five kilometres but that’s quite big for a comet. Isn’t that cool? So we can only see it because it’s so close. But don’t worry it’s not that close, it’s not gonna crash or anything. It’s a comet, not a meteor.” Matteo laughed again, “but don’t worry I’ll hold your hand anyway in case of a dinosaur meteor type situation. You know what would be funny though if a meteor crashed into earth and like brought back the dinosaurs. You should make a movie about that. Like a twist. Like is it… Planet of the Apes? I do like dinosaurs. You should definitely make a movie about dinosaurs... in space! Like-”

“Matteo enough what are you five?” David snapped, he really needed to get back to work. He couldn’t have fun right now.

“I… I… yeah no sorry I thought… I dunno never mind,” Matteo mumbled.

“Look usually I can put up with you rambling but this essay is important ok? Can you just go to bed or go back to your show? I’m pulling an all-nighter on this and I need to concentrate.”

“Yeah ok sorry,” Matteo said, leaving him to his work.

“No problem talk later ok?”

“Yeah ok,” Matteo mumbled.

David felt really bad, that was so mean of him but he needed to focus.

Normally he loved listening to Matteo but he couldn’t right now and it was frustrating him.

He watched Matteo go back to the bed and settle down, pulling the blankets tight around himself. David looked back at his essay wishing more than anything he could just go to bed, or sit and listen to Matteo’s new fascination with comets.

But he couldn’t do any of that, he had to focus on early twentieth-century film techniques. Slowly he managed to pull something together. It was painful but he finally started getting somewhere.

After a while, David was disturbed again by Matteo getting up and heading to the door. David frowned at him.

“Where are you going?”

“Bathroom,” Matteo whispered. “Sorry.”

David watched him creep out so carefully and he immediately felt sick. He’d fucked up big time. He’d apologise again as soon as he came back in.

For now, he tried to focus on the screen in front of him and ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach. He was getting there, nothing groundbreaking but it was progress. Now that it was quiet in the room he could finally concentrate. Slowly he got lost in the work. He finally had something he could work with. If he hit this hard for a couple of hours he would have a complete essay he could hand in.

He needed to take a break before he tackled that, now that he knew he had something he could relax for a minute.

Plus he needed to tell Matteo the good news and apologise for being so shitty with him. Maybe he would tell him about the comet now. He could take a little break to listen to him now. And when he got the essay done then they could go out looking for it like Matteo suggested.

He didn’t know if they’d see anything but it would be cool. Matteo could tell him all about it and everything he was going to learn over the next few days. Then knowing them they’d probably end up getting high or making out too much and missing the whole thing. Still, it sounded like a perfect evening to him.

He looked over at the bed but Matteo still wasn’t back. David frowned, confused. He must have been in the bathroom for nearly an hour and- oh.

He jumped up and rushed out of the bedroom, ready to chase after Matteo wherever he’d gone. He didn’t even blame him if he had left, he’d been awful tonight. But he didn’t like the idea of Matteo feeling like he had to leave, didn’t like not knowing where he was.

He didn’t have to go far, Matteo was sitting just outside the door, slumped against the wall, half dozing, his hood up over his face.

David crouched down and then sat down opposite him.

“Hey, what are you doing out here?” he asked.

“Hm?”

“Matteo wake up, why are you out here?”

“Didn’t want to disturb you,” Matteo muttered, staring at his hands, refusing to look up at him.

David wanted to cry, he’d done this. He’d treated Matteo like shit and made him too scared to come to bed. What the fuck was wrong with him?

“Oh shit Matteo no no no,” David whispered, reaching out to get him to look at him but when David touched his chin Matteo flinched and curled up tighter.

He didn’t know how to fix this, all he wanted to do was go back an hour and scream at himself to shut up. To think. He hadn’t been paying attention to what he was saying but that was no excuse.

Matteo had been listening, Matteo had heard all that hurtful stuff and he was going to take it to heart and David couldn’t think of a way to fix it. He looked at Matteo and knew exactly what he was about to say. Shame washed over him.

“I’m sorry for-”

“No! No, don’t you dare. This is me, I’ve been shitty. Please don’t apologise,” he insisted.

“I was annoying you,” Matteo mumbled.

David’s heart sank, he’d fucked up big time now. This was the worst thing he’d ever done. In this moment he hated himself. This was how people made Matteo feel on a daily basis and now he was no fucking better.

“Can I come to bed now?” Matteo asked quietly.

“No,” David whispered, his eyes burning with unshed tears as he desperately tried to work out how to do this, make Matteo see that he never thought he was annoying.

“Oh.”

“Wait no. I mean yeah if you’re tired but… but… let me fix this. Please don’t go to bed yet let me fix it. I’m so sorry Matteo,” he said, begging his boyfriend to give him a chance.

It didn't feel like nearly enough, he didn’t know how to make this right because he knew Matteo would just accept his apology with no question and that wasn’t right. Matteo thought he was at fault here and that would be hard to fight.

“It’s ok,” Matteo mumbled with a shrug.

“No, it isn’t,” David insisted.

Matteo seemed to realise how distressed he was then because he looked up with a frown. “It’s fine David,” he said. Because now he felt bad. This was all so unfair.

“It isn’t Matteo, it isn’t ok at all but I am so sorry. Can I explain myself? I don’t have a fucking excuse but can I at least give the reason I’ve been so shitty?” he asked.

Matteo continued to look at him. Matteo continued to pay attention to him because he was a good boyfriend who always listened. Not like him.

Except David had tried to listen, listened when he should’ve asked Matteo for a bit of space. He wanted Matteo there with him in the room while he worked because he didn’t want to be lonely. But he knew it would distract him and he should’ve taken his work to the living room. He wanted to be distracted because he hated the essay but that wasn’t fair on Matteo at all.

“Ok,” Matteo said.

“Don’t forgive me yet,” David said.

“I do,” Matteo said.

David sighed. “I know but you shouldn’t,” he said.

Matteo shrugged, he forgave him already and there was nothing to do to convince him otherwise. Most people would have probably been relieved but David just felt awful. Didn’t want to be forgiven when he didn’t deserve it at all.

“My essay is due tomorrow, for Anderson. And it’s my own fault because I didn’t start it until tonight because I hate it. I hate the professor and the class, it’s the guy that gave me a D for my essay about black cinema. But I have to write it because it’s compulsory and this whole class is worth twenty credits so I have to do well. Because… Matteo, I’m failing Visual Comm. It was supposed to be my best module this year and I’m failing that so I need to at least pass this and work harder at visual or I’m fucked. And now I’m starting to think maybe I’m just not cut out for this,” David confessed.

He hadn’t told Matteo any of this, kept making out that it was going well, that he was on top but the truth was he was drowning in it. Film school was even harder than he’d been expecting.

“You are,” Matteo said, “and you’re doing fine. Maybe it’s a bit harder than you thought but you’re doing ok. If you work a bit harder at it you can get back on top.”

He was right, it wasn’t that he wasn’t cut out for it, it was because he hadn’t been working as hard as he could've been.

“I know,” he said quietly. “I’m just feeling so sorry for myself because really this is no one’s fault but mine. I’ve been slacking,” he admitted.

“You’ve been having fun,” Matteo corrected. “A lot of fun.”

“I have,” David agreed.

He’d made friends, more friends than he’d ever had before. He’d joined so many clubs and societies. For the first time school wasn’t something he had to do, it was something he enjoyed. And for more than just his classes. His classes which he was blowing them off a little to hang with his new friends, go to parties or society events. Because he wanted to, he wanted to have fun now that he finally could. Now that he’d found somewhere he fit in.

“Never done that before?” Matteo asked.

“What?”

“Had to juggle a social life and school?”

David chuckled to himself, Matteo was exactly right. He wasn’t this genius in high school like Matteo always said he was. He was talented at art, yeah but with everything else, he just had a lot of time to study because there wasn’t anything else to do. He wasn’t invited to a lot of parties in the past. Now he was out socialising all the time, he didn’t have time to study and his grades were suffering. This was his fault and no one else’s.

“No never,” David said.

“It’s a good thing though, you’ll figure it out, you need to find a balance. I think you need to prioritise your work a bit more but you can still have fun-”

“No hey no don't do that. I’m apologising here, don’t comfort me,” David said.

Matteo wasn’t even trying to make him feel bad, this was just his nature to reassure him always.

“I… but I want to,” Matteo said.

David sighed and slowly moved closer so that they were sitting next to each other.

“I know,” he said.

“Are we ok?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know how we can be. I just treated you horribly and I don’t know how to make it up to you because Matteo… I don’t… how do I fix this? How do I make it ok?”

“I… I…”

“Tell me, please,” David insisted, moving closer but still not touching, he didn’t deserve that yet.

“You made me feel like shit,” Matteo said finally.

“I know tell me,” David said.

Matteo took a deep breath and David braced himself.

“You said I was a child David!” Matteo said. David winced he didn’t even… he had. He’d accused him of being childish, something he was so insecure about.

Matteo jumped up and turned to face him, immediately stressed as he thought about earlier.

“You know how bad that is! You know how it upsets me. I’m not a fucking child.” Matteo pulled on his hair and started to pace the room.

All David could do was watch, let him voice it.

“Just because I get excited about something... and yeah maybe I get a bit overexcited about silly stuff sometimes but you could’ve stopped me. I asked you if I could talk and you said yes. I asked you all night and you kept saying soon. You could've said no not today. You said soon David but you didn’t say when so I kept asking! You could’ve fucking explained why you were so fucking grumpy!” Matteo was standing against the other wall now, pressing his head against it, hard. David got up and gently pulled him back before he hurt himself but didn’t interrupt him, didn’t hold him in place. Matteo went back to pacing.

“You never even said your essay was due tomorrow. I know how important this is to you, I wouldn’t have bothered you if you’d just fucking explained you were struggling. I can't always tell and you were pretending everything was ok! David, I’m autistic but I’m not fucking stupid. And you made me feel stupid today. I have been to school I do remember how it works. I know deadlines David, I know school stress. I can't help you write anything but I can leave you alone. You asked me to stay in the room with you. This is you! I didn’t do anything wrong, if you thought I was going to be annoying you should’ve gone in the living room!”

“I know. I know it was me ok? I wanted you in there with me, I was being selfish because I knew you were restless but I still wanted you with me and that wasn’t fair. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you just because I was frustrated, just because I couldn’t focus,” David said.

Matteo was right, completely justified in his anger. Except he wasn’t angry just sad and David still felt terrible. At the same time, he felt a lot better, relieved. It helped that Matteo had voiced all that, told him how he felt rather than bottle it up, pointed out where David had gone wrong.

“Just don’t ever make me feel so fucking small again, it’s not fair.” Matteo finally sank against him, David’s arms immediately circling him.

“God Matteo, I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry,” David whispered, he felt like he didn’t deserve his boyfriend snuggling up against him but he held him tight anyway.

“I know David,” Matteo said quietly, “sorry for going off but you made me feel like shit.”

“I know and I’m so sorry, you’re right to speak up,” David said.

“Ok thank you, just… next time tell me you need quiet. I do get it David,” Matteo insisted, “you don’t have to… you can tell me to shut up you know? If you need to work just tell me to shut up. Not like that but you don’t have to tiptoe around either. I know I ramble with you because you let me but you don’t have to listen. I can stop, I can,” he said but that was the complete opposite of what David wanted.

“I want to, Matteo I always want to listen to you. I should’ve asked you if you could hold off until morning but I didn’t because I’d always rather listen to you than write this stupid essay or anything,” David said.

Matteo nodded.

“David I know you didn’t want to be on your own but I think if you can’t focus with me there then you have to suck it up.”

“I know.”

He was right, he absolutely hated the prospect but Matteo was right, he’d gotten a lot more done while Matteo was out in the hall.

“I’m not mad,” Matteo said.

“I know.”

“Don’t feel guilty ok? Let it go,” Matteo said.

David kissed his temple. “I swore I’d never be like everyone else, all those people that made you feel like shit.”

“It’s not the same though,” Matteo said.

“How?”

“You weren’t dismissing me, you weren’t… you weren’t trying to make me feel like shit, you were frustrated and you took it out on me and that’s bad but… there was no intention there ok? So I can forgive you and… I know you won’t do it again,” Matteo said.

He was absolutely right, this was never happening again. “Never,” he promised.

“Good.”

“I think… I think I have to study alone,” David said.

“Yeah,” Matteo agreed.

“I miss you though.”

“You’ll survive, but maybe don’t try to study for like five hours straight, take breaks, come see me, go for walks, just step away for a bit,” Matteo suggested.

If anyone knew about focussing issues it was his boyfriend.

“Come apologise to my wonderful boyfriend?” David suggested.

“Yeah that too,” Matteo said quietly, leaning heavily against him. He was tired out.

“Can you tell me about the comet?”

Matteo shrugged.

“Please… I really did want to hear about it,” David said.

And it was the truth. He always wanted to hear what Matteo wanted to talk about, almost always found it interesting and when he didn’t, when it was something he really couldn’t understand or so random he couldn’t relate he still loved to just listen to Matteo. He would listen to him speak for hours.

One time Matteo had been telling him about self-driving cars and the computer intelligence behind it, how they were programming them to make decisions. He’d gone on for almost an hour getting more and more into the complicated coding and logic of such things before he realised David was listening to him but not to what he was saying.

He’d just been laying there with what Matteo said was a vacant look on his face. David would argue it was a dreamy expression, one that he often wore when Matteo was talking. He had tried to listen but the topic was too complex and instead of asking Matteo to explain he’d gotten distracted by the sound of his voice.

Matteo had sat David up, sat down opposite him and made him listen all over again using simpler language. It was like that was his punishment for not paying attention. It was never a punishment to David.

“Ok ok, so the comet can be seen with the naked eye but only for the next few days, that’s why I wanted to tell you now,” Matteo said.

“And then it’s gone for seven thousand years?”

Matteo blinked.

“I was listening, I promise I was listening,” David said.

Matteo just crawled into his lap. “You always listen, even when perhaps you shouldn’t,” he said, “like when you should be focussing on an essay?”

“Like right now?”

“Yeah,” Matteo said, “look I’m the first person who’d wanna blow off studying but you’re not. You hate the class right?”

“Right.”

“So you’re putting it off and putting it off. It’s probably too late to ace this but it’s not going to be a reflection of your talent at all. Just… finish it, hand it in and be done with it. Then you need to work on finding a balance for your other classes because you gotta do well in the rest. You gotta stick it to Anderson that way,” Matteo said.

“No more weeknight partying?”

“Wouldn’t advise it no,” Matteo said.

The only reason he’d been able to get up for class last Thursday was because when he’d come home drunk at two am Matteo had forced two bottles of water down him plus some painkillers. Then woken him up gently with coffee and more water, sandwiches once his stomach had calmed down.

Matteo was sensible, he refused to go out when he had work the next day. Now that there was less pressure on him to go out, keep up appearances he stayed in most evenings. He’d never liked loud, bright parties and he was tired of pretending. Beers with the boys, movies, just hanging out, that was more his speed. David ought to take a leaf out of his book.

“Maybe just do more sedate stuff during the week,” Matteo suggested.

“Like stay home and cuddle?”

“I mean I’m not going to complain,” Matteo said.

“To be honest I think I’d always rather do that, it is fun going out but damn it’s exhausting,” David admitted. He’d made lots of friends and it was really fun to hang out with them, he was a social guy but he wasn’t really a midweek clubbing kind of guy. Maybe on a good Saturday, if he got Matteo out with him and managed to convince him to dance then he’d enjoy it more.

“You don’t have to drink to have fun,” Matteo said, “believe me I know.”

Matteo had spent his final year of high school self-medicating with booze and weed, he knew all about the toll that took. But now he knew and understood what he’d been medicating against. The depression, the anxiety, sensory overload, just not fitting in, struggling with things other people couldn’t even imagine. Things were a lot better now. He could drink without getting blind drunk, smoke to have fun not block out the world. David couldn’t be prouder.

“You’re right,” he said.

“And you don’t have to party hard to catch up with what you’ve missed in high school,” he said. “If you’re not enjoying it now, you probably wouldn’t have enjoyed it then.”

Wow did Matteo have a read on him. David felt like he had to, to make up for what he’d missed out on in his teenage years but that wasn’t the case at all. If it wasn’t fun, it wasn’t fun. He hadn’t been having a terrible time or anything but he'd been pushing himself, going out when he was too tired, not wanting to miss out on anything. Fearing that he’d already missed out on too much. “Damn Matteo, I love you so much, you know that right?”

“I know.”

“When’s the best time to see this comet?”

“Like three am so if we go Saturday it might be ok. I’ve checked the cloud coverage, we can get the bus out to the lakes, you know where it’s quiet? I mean we could cycle but it’s really far. But we could take some food and blankets,” Matteo suggested.

Oh, that sounded wonderful, no wonder Matteo was excited to tell him. That was his ideal evening out. Just the two of them somewhere quiet.

“Matteo that sounds perfect,” David whispered.

“Yeah I thought so,” Matteo said. “So the essay?”

“Ugh no don’t make me,” David whined.

“Come on lazy bones,” Matteo said, standing up and pulling David up too.

“Maybe I just should have a nap? You know help you get to sleep?” David suggested, following Matteo into the bedroom.

“Or maybe you should do some fucking work, three nights you were out last week, I have no sympathy for you,” Matteo teased.

“My boyfriend is so mean,” David whined.

“You want to talk mean boyfriends?”

David winced, that wasn’t funny, that just hurt. He didn’t ever want Matteo to think of him as mean, even as a joke. “Please don’t, please,” he whispered.

Matteo frowned. “David I’m not mad,” he said.

“I am. I’m mad at myself,” David said.

Matteo smiled, placed his hands on David’s shoulders and pulled him forward for a kiss. David sank into him, like he had any other choice. He just kissed him, let him hold him, distract him fo a little while. Eventually, Matteo pulled back, kissed him one more time then flopped onto the bed.

“I think you’re wonderful,” he said. “Grumpy but wonderful. Look, David, I know all about saying stupid shit we don’t mean, I do it frequently. It happens and I’m not mad at you, let it go ok?”

“Ok” David mumbled, sitting down at the desk.

“Love you,” Matteo said, settling down in bed.

“Love you too,” David whispered, just staring at his boyfriend all cosy in bed, wrapped up in all the blankets. David just wanted to go hug him.

“David?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m going to sleep, I sleep better with you here even if you’re not in the bed but maybe when I’ve fallen asleep you should go out into the living room,” Matteo said.

“Yeah you’re right, all I want to do is come cuddle with you.”

Matteo just smiled and closed his eyes, David watched him, probably for a lot longer than he should’ve done. But eventually, he grabbed his laptop and dragged himself out to the living room so he could focus. Cursing Anderson the entire time.

Three days later Matteo was curled up under the blankets again. But this time David was with him, just as cosy. He was sitting behind him, pressed as close as possible. Partly to keep Matteo warm, mostly just because he wanted to be. Next to them, his camera was set up ready, he’d researched the settings he needed, the correct lens, it was good to go. The remote shutter in his pocket just in case the actually saw anything.

Even if they didn’t it was beautiful out here, so dark, so quiet. The only light was coming from the stars above them. The moment they’d gotten settled David had switched off the torch and pocketed it, happy to sit in the darkness.

He’d never known stars to be so bright, the way they reflected on the still water of the lake was magical. It hadn’t taken long for his eyes to adjust and he could just make out Matteo, his pale face glowing in the light of the stars.

It wasn’t how he’d expected, with Matteo chattering away about every single space fact he’d consumed in the past few days. David now knew more about the solar system from his boyfriend than he’d ever learnt at school.

It was a quiet day for Matteo today, work had been stressful and he was tired out.

David had woken him at midnight as promised so they had time to get ready and come out here but he’d almost sent him back to sleep when he’d seen the way Matteo was dragging himself around the apartment. Everything was extra effort for him. But Matteo insisted he was fine, got the food ready while David sorted his camera and then they set off.

They’d been there well over an hour now, just sitting quietly, cuddling close. David could tell Matteo was awake, thinking hard.

“Warm enough?” David whispered.

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

David squeezed him tight.

“I’m ok, just quiet,” Matteo said.

“I know.”

“Sorry,” Matteo mumbled.

“Don’t be, love you, Matteo,” David said.

“This is nice,” Matteo said after another few minutes of silence.

“Yeah? One day I’ll buy you a cabin out here,” David promised.

“Maybe we could just move out here, away from stupid customers,” Matteo muttered, turning and burying his face in his neck.

David immediately held him tighter. “Yeah?”

“Just…”

“Wanna tell me what happened?”

Matteo worked in a deli, twenty minutes from their apartment. Usually, he was out the back preparing food but some days he helped Sofia out the front. Today was one of those days and something has gone wrong. David didn’t know what yet. Matteo had just come home and curled up in bed not wanting to deal with anything. But when David had woken him he’d come willingly.

“This woman came in asking for sausage and… I didn’t know what she wanted? Because we do like thirty different kinds. I asked her to describe it and she just kept saying sausage, Italian sausage and I didn’t understand it. All the sausage we sell is Italian? Just… is it obvious? Did I miss something? Why couldn’t she have just explained? If she’d told me what it tasted like I would’ve figured it out. But she just kept getting madder. Sofia came out and said ‘lady what does it taste like?’ And she said fennel. That’s finocchiona, it’s a salami,” he clarified for David’s benefit. “And I said that immediately, as soon as she said fennel I said you mean finocchiona and I was right but she got even madder. She said... she said ‘don’t you start with me, I asked you for sausage!’ But we do so many David... I just… that’s what it’s called.”

David reached held him close. What a fucking nightmare of a customer. How hard was it to be polite? How dare anyone talk to Matteo like that. If he’d been there he would have absolutely destroyed her. Yeah, he wasn’t confrontational, ran at the slightest sign of trouble but nobody got to make his boyfriend feel like shit. Himself included. He was still struggling to let go of what happened the other night.

But both Sofia and Matteo would do anything to be helpful, if the woman hadn’t known what she was looking for all she would’ve had to do was ask. They would’ve probably let her taste everything just to figure it out.

“She was so mean. But then I was really nervous and I spilt some oil and it got everywhere and I tried to help her clean it up and she smacked my hand. She called me an imbecile and I just... That’s why Sofia sent me home, not because she was mad but because she knew I was upset. I was all shaky I couldn't work. She told the lady off too, asked her not to come back but David I just…”

“Oh Matteo,” David whispered when Matteo sniffled and pressed closer.

“I’m ok, it just hurt a lot, why do people... when you ask them what they mean why do they just say it again? I can hear, I didn’t ask her to repeat it,” Matteo said.

“Customers can just be shitty I think, they expect you to read their minds,” David said.

“It’s not fair,” Matteo said.

“Can you ask Sofia not to put you out front?”

“She’d burnt her hand, I was helping,” Matteo said.

That was his kind boyfriend all over, putting his comfort aside to help others. “Oh, Matteo.”

“I like to help, I want to do a good job,” Matteo said.

“Oh Matteo you do, what about Mrs Klein?”

Matteo tilted his head back and frowned, confused. “What about her?”

“What about the other week where you walked home with her so you could carry her shopping?” David asked.

He’d been nearly an hour late meeting him at the park because of it but when he’d showed all blushing and embarrassed and explained what had happened, David had just stared at his incredible boyfriend. How anyone could have a go at someone so kind was beyond him. There was a little cafe at the front and Sofia didn’t mind if David came there to study, again not brilliant for his grades. But he got to watch Matteo working, all the regular customers loved him, even though he was out the back most of the time, they always shouted through to him. The Italian grandmothers were particularly fond, David had even teased him that they were going to steal him away one day.

Of course, the best thing about that was getting to hear Matteo get shy and chat with those sweet old ladies in Italian. Yeah, it was no wonder he was getting behind, it wasn’t the partying it was hanging out in the cafe that was causing his grades to suffer.

“Yeah?”

“That was so kind of you, to help her,” David said.

“She was really happy, she struggles because she lives all alone and her family all moved away,” Matteo said.

“I’m sure she was really grateful,” David said.

“Said I was an upstanding young man,” Matteo said.

“Because you are, just remember that next time you have some stuck up bitch comes in,” David said. “Don’t let one bad customer ruin it for you.”

“Yeah ok yeah,” Matteo agreed.

“Matteo?”

“Yeah?”

“I am so sorry about the other day,” David said, pulling back to face him, but not too far, still under the blankets.

“I know, I said it was ok,” Matteo insisted.

“No, but-”

“It was nothing like this woman,” Matteo said, knowing exactly what was weighing on David’s mind.

The moment Matteo had said it, all he could do was compare the two situations. He knew they were different but both had left Matteo feeling like shit.

“Yeah, but I was so mean,” David said.

“This is what I meant the other day, about the intention behind what you said, she was trying to be mean, I don’t really know why. You never meant to hurt me you just weren’t thinking, let it go please,” Matteo said.

“Ok,” David mumbled, he wasn’t sure if he could though.

“I love you yeah? You gotta let me forgive you if I want to forgive you, don’t beat yourself up, please,” Matteo said.

“I just… I never wanted to be that guy,” David said.

“Huh?”

“I wanted to be the one who always listened to you,” David said.

Very early on Matteo had told him how often he got ignored and how much it hurt him. He never wanted to ignore Matteo, wanted to hear what he had to say always. He was so clever and had so many interesting things to say, how could anyone ever ignore him?

“You always listen, you listened when you shouldn’t have been listening that’s what went wrong. You should’ve told me then and there you couldn’t listen to me, instead of saying later because… sometimes I can't tell when later means no, you know?”

“Yeah.”

David knew that too, Matteo had figured out a lot but sometimes he needed people to be more literal with him. Like the fact, some people said later or maybe, or I’ll think about it when they actually just meant no. But Matteo would wait for later, or for them to think. David really had meant later but he was being hopeful, he was lying to himself as much as Matteo because he was never going to have time that night.

“So I kept pestering you which made you more frustrated,” Matteo said.

“That wasn’t your fault,” David said.

“No, it wasn't. It was a bit yours and a bit that professor guy’s for ruining your confidence in the essay, which was why you were so annoyed,” Matteo said.

“Yeah, it was,” David agreed, this was all Anderson’s fault, mostly. “I got a B by the way,” he told Matteo.

“Not bad considering you did it in the middle of the night,” Matteo said.

He was actually pretty pleased with that. Anderson was a very harsh marker, only two students had gotten an A. It was a pretty poor reflection of his teaching, David thought, if no one in his class was doing well. He couldn’t expect them to all have the same views as him, film was so subjective. How this man ever got into the creative arts was beyond him.

“You’re right and I asked how I could improve my visual grade and Kaminski’s giving me an extra essay to do to bring my score up because he really liked what I turned in at the beginning of the semester,” David said.

“See reaching out pays off,” Matteo said, only slightly teasing.

“It does, gotta speak up when I’m struggling,” David said.

“Exactly,” Matteo agreed.

“It’s really beautiful out here,” David said, taking the conversation away from school, this was his time with Matteo and he wanted to focus on him.

“Yeah, just us it’s like we’re last two boys on earth,” Matteo whispered.

“That would be nice,” David said.

He liked that idea a little too much, just them running away somewhere where no one could bother them. Somewhere like this where he could swim unbothered by strangers in the summer. Just Matteo trying to race him around the lake. He would lose. In the winter they could ice skate and Matteo would fall over and get all grumpy. David would laugh far too much before helping him up and he’d get even grumpier, but then he would cuddle him until he smiled.

He liked other people well enough, liked his classmates, loved his friends, loved Laura more than anyone. But running away, disappearing had always been the plan. He knew he could do it, go it alone. It didn’t even scare him. He wanted it. He still did, on bad days, frustrating days. Days where school was grinding him down, where his reflection was mocking him or his parents were hassling him. He wanted to run away to a place like this. He’d take Matteo and they could just be the last two boys on earth for a while

“Yeah, no professors, no customers,” Matteo agreed, “look I think that’s it,” he said pointing to the sky.

“The star?”

“No it’s been getting brighter for a while,” Matteo said.

David stared, he was right it was getting brighter. He shuffled them so he could look through the camera lens, fiddling with the settings. He clicked the shutter and after a minute the shot appeared on the screen, a bright streak in the sky.

“Wow,” Matteo whispered, “it is!”

David just smiled at his excitement and pulled him against him, so they could watch it together.

“Do we make a wish?” he asked.

“Er… no, it’s a comet. Shooting stars are meteors, they… can I explain?”

“Always Matteo, I can’t pretend I’ll understand if you get too into the physics but I do want to hear,” David said, giving him a squeeze to encourage him.

“Ok so you have comets and meteors, oh and there’s asteroids too but… We make wishes on shooting stars right?”

“Right?”

“Ok shooting stars are meteors, which actually can be broken off from a comet or an asteroid. But they are much closer to earth, they’re only meteors when they enter earth's atmosphere, before that they are meteoroids. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah, no, a little,” David admitted.

“Ok sorry. You have asteroids which are rocks that orbit the sun, then you have comets which are ice that orbit the sun. Meteoroids form when asteroids or comets crash into each other and then if they get close enough to earth to enter our atmosphere they become meteors, and that’s a shooting star. It vaporises and becomes just a trail of light. Oh, and meteorites are when they don’t vaporise fully and they hit the earth.”

“Like the dinosaurs?”

“Like the dinosaurs,” Matteo agreed, David could see his pleased little smile, happy that he’d been listening the other day too.

“I always want to hear you, Matteo, I promise,” David said.

“I know, I knew from the start, you paid attention to me like no one ever had before,” Matteo said.

“You deserve all the attention in the world,” David said.

“No thanks just you,” Matteo said.

“Just me. So we can’t make a wish?”

“I mean you can, nothing is stopping you. What would you wish for?”

David didn’t even have to think about it. “Right now? Nothing. I have everything I want right here,” he said, pressing a kiss to Matteo’s cheek and watching the light of the comet get brighter and brighter. His wishes had come true way back in that basement room at high school.

Matteo had started talking of wishes and David for the first time in a long time dared to dream, dared to hope that he might just be the boy whose wishes came true. That that sad quiet boy in front of him might just be it. He didn’t need wishes anymore, he had Matteo.

Chapter Text

Matteo had thought his plan had been working. Well, it had been, not as well as he’d hoped, David seemed very amused by his whole journey of self-improvement but it did seem to be making a difference. David seemed happier, seemed to find him less annoying, seemed to want to stay. That had been the important thing anyway, to be better, so that David didn't realise he was wasting his time stuck here with him when there was someone else out there far more suited to him.

Changing all of his behaviours was exhausting to the point Matteo felt like collapsing sometimes but it was worth it if it meant David would stay. If it meant he would be a better boyfriend. He had hoped it would become a habit, become more natural to him, after all, he must have become annoying at some point, couldn’t have always been this way. So he'd kept working at it, no matter how difficult it was. Constantly thinking about his behaviours and actions was draining but he would do it for David.

But as usual, he’d fucked up and now David knew everything. He was upset, of course he was, he probably felt like Matteo was tricking him into staying. He would definitely leave now and Matteo wouldn’t even blame him.

The past month had been rough. David had been away in Paris filming his latest movie and Matteo had been left behind at home, couldn’t get the time off, hadn’t been long out of a difficult patch and didn’t feel up to travelling. David understood, had come back halfway through to spend some time with him instead. But it had only been a month and barely that, that was what everyone said. Couldn’t he go four weeks without David? The answer was no but he didn’t tell them that. He couldn’t take the teasing, not in the mood he was in, the way he was feeling about everything.

The thing was he could, it was hard but he’d done it before, he’d survived three months when David was in London and it was awful but he’d gotten through it until David was back in his arms. He could go without David but he couldn’t go very long without missing him so much, it was the only thing on his mind.

This time was different though because this time there was Sylvie. Sylvie was David’s lead actress, rising Parisian superstar and absolute beauty. And according to the tabloids and trashy gossip magazines she was quite possibly David’s soulmate, his perfect match.

She was a little younger than them but not by much. She’d been acting since she was a child and was successful and well-renowned. Of course, she was absolutely beautiful with her wild red hair, sharp green eyes, and a perfect bright smile. She topped all the polls as the most beautiful woman in France, in Europe even, but that wasn’t even it really. She was humble about it, she laughed whenever anyone commented on it and reminded them that her teenage photos were still very much available. Because she’d been famous since she was ten there were plenty of photos of her with spots and braces which she often showed in interviews just to remind everyone she was normal, she was down to earth and fun.

She did charity work, spoke at conferences on women’s rights, LGBTQ rights, and climate change. She was smart, had studied her craft for years and it showed. She only ever appeared in clever movies, the ones she wanted to do. She was a huge fan of David’s work and had spoken at length about what it meant to her to get a chance to be in his film.

Matteo was David’s biggest fan, loved all his work but he didn’t have any other redeeming qualities.

Sylvie and David were in all the papers together, splashed across all the news websites. They chatted comfortably together on the talk shows, bouncing off one another in a way that delighted the audiences. Matteo had consumed it all, read every word, watched every clip. Even now David was back with Matteo, it was still all about Sylvie and Matteo had been at his wits end on how to deal with it. How did he argue with what everyone else saw?

He was just Matteo. He worked in a bookshop because when he’d left school it was all he could manage but he had no desire to change that anytime soon. He was comfortable with his life, didn’t have high aspirations, didn't want fame and riches. But David did, or… maybe he didn’t want them but he deserved them, deserved a life surrounded by glitz and glamour. David shone bright and deserved to be with someone who shone just as brightly. Not Matteo, dark and dull, sapping up all that light with his moods and his neediness.

Sylvie and David had such chemistry, that’s what all the papers said. Matteo had thought he and David had had chemistry but clearly he’d been wrong, had been kidding himself. When three different newspapers said David and Sylvie seemed perfect for each other, that fate had thrown them together or this movie, he knew what he’d always feared was coming true.

Matteo knew what he was supposed to do, he was supposed to face defeat, let David go, not drag him down further. But he couldn’t, the thought of not being with David hurt more than anything he'd ever felt. He couldn’t do it, he wasn’t like the wonderful Sylvie, wasn't generous or giving, wanted to keep David all to himself.

So he’d selfishly devised a plan, written it all out. Titled it how to stop David leaving/how to be more like Sylvie Auguste.

Step one was to improve his looks. He knew he was never going to be stunning like Sylvie, knew he couldn’t really do much about the face he’d been given but still, he tried. He’d gotten his hair cut into something resembling a style rather than the messy do he usually wore. There wasn’t much more he could change about his looks but he tried to disguise it, tried to wear clothes that fit him properly, forcing himself to ignore the discomfort it caused him. He put away his stupid sweaters and baggy pants and tried to dress smarter, more stylish. He had no idea what he was doing and didn’t dare ask David for advice, too afraid of being laughed at, too afraid of highlighting the problem.

David had been pretty bemused when Matteo came out of the bedroom for work dressed in his grey jeans and a button-up when normally he could get away with an old hoodie and his loose black trousers.

But he’d whistled and given him a kiss on the cheek as he waved him off so Matteo counted it as a success.

Step two was to be sweeter, more charming. Sylvie was polite and spoke with poise in all her interviews, she came across sweet and lovely. She didn’t blurt shit out or grumble. People hung on her every word. That was harder to change, grumpy and tired were his default but David shouldn’t have to put up with that. So he’d tried to be sweet, tried to be flirty, cute with David. It wasn’t a disaster but he didn’t think it came across as he’d hoped. When he complimented David’s shirt he was met with a raised eyebrow. When he told David he liked his voice he just got an amused chuckle. When he said the toasted sandwich David had made him was delicious, David asked if he’d done something and was feeling guilty. But he always looked fond, if a little confused, whenever Matteo did these things so he didn’t stop.

The third thing was to pay more attention to David. In the interviews, in all the pictures Sylvie looked like she was absorbed in David’s every word. Matteo didn’t know how to do that. He listened to David always, he took in every single word he said, but sometimes he liked to look at his phone, fidget, play with stuff. If he looked at David he got distracted by his face, zoned out while he looked at him, couldn’t help it. He’d miss more looking at David than he would looking at his phone.

But he tried anyway, even though it gave him a headache, made his eyes hurt, he tried his very best. David seemed concerned at that one, having Matteo’s undivided attention, kept asking if he was ok, did he have something he wanted to say. That one he didn’t count as a success, put a big cross by it on the list. He couldn’t keep it up and it seemed to freak David out anyway.

Fourth on the list was to be smarter, more intellectual. Not smart in the nerdy way he was. He was smart, he knew that, had done ok in school. He liked to read too, people were always surprised at that. That he chose to work in a bookshop over say something like a video game store. And his answer surprised them even more, yes the main reason he got the job there was that the owner was a friend of his mum’s and she’d helped him. But the reason he stayed, the reason he liked it was because the bookshop was quieter, he could read in his downtime.

He quite liked talking to customers about what he was reading, what he recommended. Liked talking to kids about his favourite children's books, or listening to the older customers tell him their backgrounds and their histories, then recommending something nostalgic for them. And he was good at it. It was a kind of smart Matteo supposed, but not the right kind. Sylvie was an intellectual, an artist, she was probably better read than him, understood art and complicated difficult movies. Stuff that David liked and always tried to get him to watch.

Matteo had watched a ton of old movies from a list Sylvie had posted on her Instagram. They were exhausting to watch, impossible to follow and the language barrier, not usually a problem in the animations and fantasies he enjoyed was particularly hard to get past. They were boring and he was never going to enjoy them. Plus when he tried to talk to David about them he just got that strange, slightly concerned look. Said he didn’t really like those films, seemed confused and a little hurt that Matteo was watching them without him. Another loss on the list.

The final thing was similar to being sweet. He wanted to stop being so dull and draining, stop bringing David down with his moods, his tiredness. But he was stuck on that, he worked hard in therapy to manage his depression but it was a long process, there was no quick fix. The only thing he could think to do was to stay away from David when it got too bad. Look after himself so that David wasn’t forced to. It would be so hard but he would do it for David, had to do it if he wanted to keep him. David didn’t deserve to be dragged into that. Matteo didn’t know when it would happen next but he was already dreading it.

The plan had been going sort of well, not a huge success but not a complete failure either. David seemed mostly confused but he seemed to be happy enough. He always seemed excited to come home to Matteo, rather than disappointed or dreading it. Even on the days he spent doing interviews with Sylvie he seemed glad to be back with Matteo. He didn't talk about her or how wonderful she was. Maybe, just maybe, Matteo had distracted him enough.

But then David found the list because Matteo didn’t hide it properly, just shoved it to the back of a drawer and meant to dispose of it later. And he’d been so upset, had stood in front of Matteo, eyes shining as he tried not to cry, as he held out the list and asked Matteo what the fuck he’d been thinking. And now it was all over. David wouldn’t want to stay with him after this, after he realised how absolutely ridiculous, how absolutely terrible he was.

Matteo had fled, had run into the bathroom and locked himself in. He was trying to calm down but David was pounding on the door, yelling at him to come out. He must’ve been so angry, David never yelled at him. Matteo had ruined everything, he should’ve let him go, then maybe David wouldn’t hate him like he did right now.

Matteo couldn’t move, was frozen in front of the mirror, gripping onto the sink like his life depended on it. He was on the verge of throwing up, everything was blurring around the edges, he couldn’t breathe. His head was swimming, he felt like he was drowning. David’s voice was getting further and further away. Matteo wanted to collapse, curl up and hide, switch off, but he couldn't. His body wouldn't let him, it was vibrating with energy, ready to flee. He wanted out, needed out. It took a great effort but he tore himself away from the sink and threw open the door.

David was there waiting for him but Matteo couldn't deal with him. He made to run but David grabbed him and pulled him tight against him. Matteo struggled, thrashed, tried to get free but David held firm.

“David!”

“Breathe Matteo, don’t run, don’t struggle, just breathe. Please stop struggling, I'll let you go if you really need it but please don't run, it’s not safe, not when you’re like this, let me help,” he said.

Everything was going dark, he was suffocating, he couldn’t breathe.

“I can’t, I- help! David help me! I-”

Matteo’s knees gave out but David held tight, supported him, kept him upright.

“Keep breathing, keep breathing, you’ve got this, in… out… in… out. Nothing else matters right now, just keep breathing, breathe for me,” David said, trying to stay calm but Matteo knew he was scaring him.

Matteo did though, took huge gulping breaths that almost made him throw up but slowly his vision came back, his heart rate slowed.

David sank to the floor with him and Matteo closed his eyes, choking as he struggled to get his breathing under control but he kept going. His chest was so tight it was painful but he kept forcing air into his lungs until the tightness eased and he collapsed into David’s arms. He finally opened his eyes and looked at him. David looked terrified. Matteo had been terrified, he’d never had an attack as bad as that before.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, hanging his head.

“I’m sorry, I am so fucking sorry Matteo,” David said, squeezing him and lifting his head, forcing him to look at him.

“I… why?”

David laughed darkly, nothing was funny about this.

“Jesus Christ. Really? Why? Why am I sorry? Why are you writing lists and trying to change who you are? Why are you trying to be like fucking Sylvie? God I can’t... that fucking hurts but what hurts the most is how much you must’ve been hurting so much, it’s killing me, Matteo I am so sorry,” David said.

Matteo shook his head, this wasn’t what was supposed to happen, David wasn’t supposed to get upset like this. He’d done such a bad job.

“No I'm sorry, I really tried all these things, I'm trying so hard to be better, I'll keep trying David and-”

“No Matteo, no,” David begged.

Matteo was getting very confused, his head was hurting and he could barely think straight. He didn’t know how to fix this because he didn’t really understand why David was so upset. All he could think to do was keep trying but that seemed to be making it worse.

“Really just give me-”

“No no no!”

David was crying now, crushing Matteo against him so tight that he almost couldn’t breathe again but it was nice, it felt nice. He felt so safe like this.

“Matteo nothing is going on with me and Sylvie, you know that yes?”

“I know, but I just didn’t want-”

“And nothing will ever go on between us,” David insisted.

“No but Sylvie is really cool and you two have so much chemistry and it’s in all the papers and I know you don’t read that crap but I'm so scared you’ll see it and be like oh she’s perfect for me,” Matteo explained.

Suddenly it all seemed silly, like he was overreacting but it really hurt, seeing all that in the news, it hurt him so badly.

David laughed, he was crying so it sounded choked up but he barked out a laugh anyway. Matteo looked up at him, confused.

“Matteo, for one thing, I cannot stand Sylvie,” he said.

That didn’t sound right, they were surely at least friends, they had to be, they got on so well.

“I- what?”

“I’ve told you this before Matteo,” David said.

He had but that was ages ago, that was before the interviews. David wasn’t an actor, he couldn’t pretend to like someone, that wasn’t in his nature.

“No? Well yeah, when you first met her but… but… you stopped saying it,” Matteo said.

“I felt like I was being petty, I didn’t want you to see me like that. As someone who is mean or negative about another person, you know? And it’s all superficial reasons too, she’s not horrible or anything. She’s just so fucking boring. And such a snob, seriously she had a go at a poor intern for the water he brought her, that was the final straw for me. Because it’s so fake, that whole I’m normal and down to earth thing she has going on. It’s bullshit because I’m down to earth and it feels like a bit of a slap when she portrays herself that way. She’s a snob and a bore and two-faced and I hate that,” David said, looking a bit sheepish.

Everything seemed almost clear, almost made sense but Matteo’s brain was tired and confused. David was stroking his hair now, making him sleepy as he lay against him.

“But all the papers?”

“Are full of crap I… I didn’t realise what they’d said. I'm sorry, if I’d known I would’ve talked to you about it,” David insisted.

This was his fault, Matteo realised, he should’ve spoken up, he’d completely overreacted and had hurt David in the process.

“I’m sorry for upsetting you, for overreacting like that and being jealous of Sylvie,” Matteo mumbled.

“No I get it, those papers are horrible, disgusting even, I’m so mad they framed it that way. Honestly, when we were filming or being interviewed it was nothing like how flirty it seemed in the final cut. I should’ve insisted on reviewing it but I was lazy and wanted to spend more time with you. I hadn’t said anything bad and knew I didn’t care enough to watch it so I didn't bother,” David explained.

“Oh.”

“But Matteo, I’m sorry for not asking you what was going on, when you started behaving strangely, I thought it was cute and funny but I should’ve still checked. You completely changed your behaviour and that’s never ok,” David said.

“Oh,” Matteo repeated. He didn’t really know what else to say. He was so confused. He’d read into all of this completely wrong, almost messed up everything with David but at the same time, it didn’t feel like it. Because David was being patient and understanding and for once Matteo felt like he deserved it.

“Let’s go through the list please,” David said gently, pulling it out of his pocket.

Matteo groaned and snuggled against him.

“No David,” he said, embarrassed now.

But David wasn’t teasing, David was dead serious, was looking at him almost angrily, but the anger wasn’t at him, it was at the newspapers.

“Let’s go through it,” he repeated. “Number one, improve your looks? Improve your fucking looks? You know you're the most beautiful man I've ever laid eyes on?” he demanded.

Matteo went bright red, couldn’t help it.

“You’re biased,” he mumbled.

“Maybe, but that’s how I see you ok? Yeah, Sylvie is very photogenic and all that. But you’re beautiful, I can’t ever take my eyes off you,” David said.

Matteo’s face got even hotter.

“Even when I'm gross and my hair is a mess?” he asked quietly.

“Even then. I love your hair, I love how messy it is, how free you wear it. I hate that you cut it because you thought I didn’t like it,” David said, running his fingers through it. “I love your nose, I love your cheeks, especially when they’re pink like this. I love your eyes, not because they’re blue but because they're so warm, so kind, so filled with mischief. This probably isn’t helpful for you to hear because I know you don’t like eye contact. You said it was because you don’t like people seeing you that way, that it makes you feel exposed and you’re fucking right I can read everything in your eyes sometimes, they are so expressive and the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen,” he said.

Matteo thought he might just faint by the end of this. He felt dizzy again, overwhelmed but in a completely different way to before. This was a good feeling, Matteo revelled in it, sank into it, let it overtake him. David was here with him and wasn't going anywhere. He was going to dissect Matteo’s list, explain to him everything Matteo had gotten wrong and Matteo wanted to hear it.

“Oh yeah... oh,” he whispered.

“You are beautiful, handsome, cute, you're all I ever want to look at,” David said.

“But you’re so hot,” Matteo said.

“Thank you,” David said.

“No but seriously, you’re so handsome David,” Matteo argued.

“Thank you, so are you,” David said calmly.

“No, but you are way out-”

“There is no fucking league, I love you, I think you’re beautiful, the most attractive man I know. You will not win this argument Matteo,” David said firmly.

He was right, he wasn’t going to back down on this, Matteo had no chance of winning. When David got like this he wouldn’t listen. Matteo just nodded and let David hold him tight.

“Matteo to me you are, that’s how I see you. So don’t cut your hair if you don’t want to, wear the baggy clothes, you’re sexier to me when you’re comfortable,” David insisted.

“Oh.” Matteo giggled, there was nothing sexy about his jumpers but he didn't want to be sexy anyway.

“Number two I don’t even fucking get. How the fuck can you be sweeter? You’re already the sweetest-”

“I’m grumpy,” Matteo reminded him.

David laughed.

“And I love it. Do you really think I want you to stop teasing me? I love your teasing, I love the way we talk. I love that I can curse at you and you can read it how it’s supposed to be read, as an ‘I love you’, I love that you kick me to remind me you care. I love that it’s perhaps an unconventional way of showing affection and I love that it’s ours. I don’t want you to be all proper and reserved, I want you to shove me about, flick your food at me, call me an asshole, I don’t ever want that to change,” David said.

Matteo hadn’t realised how much of a relief that would be. He felt exactly the same and it was painful to be any other way. It hurt not to show affection in his usual manner, and it hurt David too, he got that now.

“I like it too, it fits me,” Matteo said.

“It fits us,” David agreed.

“Number three?”

“You pay attention to me always, don’t ever doubt that, I know it looks different but never once have I thought you weren’t listening to me,” David said.

“But…”

“Look I can think of a million examples but remember when I got back from London?”

“Mm?”

“And the next day we were cuddled in bed, you were arguing with Jonas in the group chat, I was telling you about my flight and I was going on and on about London and probably to others it would seem like you weren't listening,” David said.

“Ok?”

Matteo did remember that. He remembered how relieved he felt to have David back; it was overwhelming. He couldn’t even look at David, scared he would blink and he would be gone again.

“Why was it bad? The flight?”

“There was a man that smelled like onions,” Matteo answered, not even hesitating. David had complained about the smelly passenger for at least ten minutes, Matteo remembered it vividly.

“Yeah, exactly.” David snapped his fingers. “You pay attention, you remember every damn detail I tell you, I know you're paying attention and when I really need it, when I'm sad or stressing you always focus your attention on me and it’s calming, I like that there’s a difference.”

“Ok,” Matteo said.

“Four was so dumb. You’re smart, smarter than me. You know so much about so many complex things. But I like that you don’t know about movies, I like to tell you about them because you pay attention and you’re always captivated when we watch them together. I want to find clever movies and show you, I don’t want you to watch old crap just to have a boring conversation,” David said.

“Sorry,” Matteo mumbled.

David just kissed his temple.

“But five Matteo? Five?”

“I…”

“That hurt. That hurt so badly that you think like that, you are not dull or draining, you don’t steal my light what the hell?”

“I’m sorry-”

“I hate when you’re depressed, it hurts so bad but only because you’re hurting. I don’t want you to suffer but it does not bring me down, it does not take from me ok? And you cannot change that you have depression, you can work on it and try to manage it and maybe one day you’ll go so long without an episode we’ll stop worrying so much, but all of that is for you so that you feel good. You being low doesn’t make me miserable for any other reason than you’re hurting,” David said, giving him a squeeze.

Matteo closed his eyes but the tears still fell so he hid his face, buried it against David’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry for all this,” Matteo whispered.

“I’m not mad, I'm just so upset you’ve been suffering so much, I hate the idea of you comparing yourself to Sylvie, I hate the idea of this happening again,” David said.

“I…”

There wasn’t much he could say to that. He knew very well it could easily happen again. He struggled with insecurity and would continue to have doubts every time he saw an article like that.

“I’m going to ask them not to write about me sensationally like that. They know I'm with you but they don’t know anything about you, as it should be. But then they treat that like I'm single, it’s bullshit,” David said.

Matteo took a deep breath, that was a relief. He hadn't realised David could do that, put a stop to it.

“It really hurt, it really really hurt. Everyone seemed to think you two were perfect together,” Matteo admitted.

David shook his head.

“Did you watch the interviews?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

“Do you like me in the interviews?”

“What?”

That made no sense and Matteo was beyond confused.

“In the interviews do I seem like me? Like your David?”

Matteo thought he understood what David was saying, he was very different in interviews to how he was in real life. It wasn’t a bad thing but he was different.

“Er… no, well you’re a bit… like posh, no more like proper. You speak weirdly,” Matteo said.

“Yeah because it’s an interview. Some people like them, enjoy them. I find them to be so formal, I don’t like doing them, I'm just not comfortable. I'm always scared of being asked questions, so whatever chemistry they saw was utter bull because that wasn’t the real me, I was just as fake as Sylvie but for different reasons,” David said.

“You should let me interview you,” Matteo joked, he always felt like the interviewers were asking the wrong questions, were missing just how interesting and thoughtful David was. David had such good answers but he never got the right questions.

“I’d like that,” David said.

“What?”

“That would be the most honest interview I've ever done, let’s do it,” David said, getting up and pulling Matteo with him.

They went over to the sofa and Matteo sat down. David grabbed his camera and set it up to record. Matteo watched him fondly, loved watching David doing this stuff, positioning it exactly right, sorting out the angles so they looked good. It was so natural to him, he was so good at it, always shot beautiful things, took the best photos.

David came to sit down with him, holding onto the remote.

Matteo grinned and put on a funny voice, trying to sound like a host. “I’m here with David Schreibner, the director of underground creatures- no wait? Did you already start filming?” Matteo demanded, covering his face. He wasn’t ready yet, didn’t want to be on film doing the silly voice.

“Yeah keep going,” David insisted, he was facing Matteo, all his attention on him.

Matteo rolled his eyes.

“Ok. Ok. Tell me, David, why do you make films? And why this one in particular? You’re very choosy with what you make, correct? You have to like the story? No wait, more than that, the story has to speak to you? Have meaning, for example, see me was one of your first lead directing films and was turned down by three studios but you persevered, why? What spoke to you about that, and this current movie? I think they are similar in a way, completely different stories but a similar feel? Right? Sorry, that was too long?”

David just smiled so fondly at him that Matteo almost fell off the couch. His hands were shaking for some reason, there was no need to be nervous, they weren't live or anything but he felt trembly all over. David took his hands.

“That’s a very good question, and you’re right Matteo,” he said softly. “I think not many people pick up on just how similar all my films are in a way. Often they feel different to each other but there is a vague feeling of similarity there.”

Matteo nodded and squeezed David’s hands.

“So see me and underground creatures are vastly different films with very different feels but the message is the same, in a way. As you know underground creatures is about the growing problem of homelessness amongst today's youth, and it’s one girl's story of trying to navigate that. Now that spoke to me because as you know I was homeless at sixteen, asked to leave my parents’ house. I was very lucky to have a sister who took me in without hesitation but I still remember vividly how that felt. Which is why I wanted to make this. See me was one of the first movies I made, and it was about a trans character like myself,” David said.

“It was very clever,” Matteo said.

“Yeah?”

See me was a film about a trans guy named Nathaniel and his struggle with acceptance. It was done so cleverly. The scenes where he was by himself or with people who got him was played by one actor, a trans actor, Philip, who David was still good friends with. But the scenes where he was with those who didn’t see him right were played by another great actress, Emily, who David knew from film school and trusted to play such a role. They were breakout roles for both the portrayers of Nathaniel and they did such a good job playing the same character. Emily played him almost exactly the same way as Philip. It was so good and so smart. And Emily appeared less and less as the movie went on, Philip taking over as Nathaniel found acceptance.

“Yeah the way you portrayed the way Nathaniel saw himself and the way others saw him, using Emily, I really liked that,” Matteo said.

He’d told David as much when he first showed him. He made David play it again so he could see all the little things he’d missed. He’d known his boyfriend was smart, would be good at this. But he’d still been blown away by this movie, absolutely wowed by it.

“Thank you, why do you think the two are similar?” David asked.

Suddenly Matteo felt so stupid about the list, how blind he had been not to see how perfect they were together, to see how different David was in interviews. David told him he loved him a thousand times a day, of course he wasn’t leaving him for anyone else. They got each other on a level most people never achieved, David wasn’t going to cast that aside for some actress he barely knew. But it was so hard to reason with his brain when he got like that. He was so grateful David got it. He pulled free to wipe his eyes and then took David’s hands again. It was nice, they were sitting cross-legged, facing each other and holding hands. It must look like a very odd interview but he liked it.

“I think… in both films the characters are like invisible? Not seen right or not seen at all is a very similar thing,” Matteo suggested.

“Exactly,” David said. “That’s exactly it, and the reason I made it. And I am choosey you’re right but I'm creative and I like my films to reflect me, so I wouldn't want to put my name to something I couldn't be one hundred per cent behind,” he added.

Matteo nodded.

“An easier question this time?”

“What’s your favourite colour?” Matteo joked.

David just laughed. “Blue, dark blue like indigo, what’s yours?”

Matteo had never known that one, had told David as much many times before, but he smiled.

“Orange, green, or purple. But also pink it depends on the day,” he said.

“The pink of your cheeks is my second favourite colour, yeah like that,” David said, reaching out and stroking his cheek.

Matteo ducked his head.

“Is it hard travelling for work?” he asked.

“Yes, I hate it. Despite the fact I'm in these wonderful cities I can't really enjoy it properly. I do try but I suffer without your company, I miss you too much,” David said.

“I miss you too, I hate you being away,” Matteo said.

“My next movie is in Berlin so I'm here for a while,” David promised.

Matteo smiled and shifted closer, he was practically in David’s lap now, he was so close, but David wasn’t complaining.

“Good. Ok, you’ve known you wanted to make movies for a very long time, is there a particular story you’d like to tell?”

David nodded and smiled. Matteo knew it was a good question, knew it had a good answer.

“Yes, kind of my story but a happy version of my childhood, or just getting better reactions. Not that I'm not happy but the story I wanted to see as a kid, the things I needed to know. But I think now I’d do it mirrored against the real thing, to show how happy I ended up, not to justify what happened but to show it can be ok, that the difficult things shaped me, and helped make me who I am. And that it didn’t make me great, but I turned out great regardless. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah, I like that, it sounds very comforting,” Matteo said.

“Yeah?”

“It shows that even if you went through hell as a child, it doesn’t break you, you can still be whole,” Matteo said, he was talking about his childhood now but he really liked that idea.

“Oh absolutely, we are whole Matteo,” David said.

“Ok I have another question,” Matteo said.

“Shoot.”

“Ok, what’s something you’d like your fans to know about you? Maybe that they’d find surprising?”

“The idea that I can’t believe I have fans, seriously it’s mad to me. I can't quite get my head around it. The thing is, I think my movies are good, they’re what I would want to watch, but I just can’t believe anyone else likes them the same way,” David said.

David was so humble, so modest. His films were amazing but he never seemed to think others would see it that way. He would never get full of himself or cocky. He would just quietly continue to make these wonderful movies and Matteo couldn’t wait to see them.

“I love everything you make,” Matteo said.

“Thank you,” David said, just as softly.

“I have one more question,” Matteo said.

“Yeah?”

“Do you…”

“Mm?”

“Do you believe in fate? Do you believe in destiny and soulmates?”

David grinned at him and pulled him into his lap, pressing a kiss to his temple.

“No,” he said.

Matteo smiled and curled against him, he didn’t even care if they were filming, he wanted people to see this, hear David’s answer, he loved it. He could never answer objectively either, always bringing the two of them into it.

“I like the idea of soulmates, I can understand that it must feel comforting to some to think everything is fated, but I find the idea very suffocating. I guess I would feel trapped by it. That being said, I have my own take on the idea. I believe that two people can be incredibly well suited and compatible with each other. The idea that fate will bring those two together just seems like crap but the idea that those two people will go through various things, both good and bad so that by the time they meet they are at the very edge of whether they believe that love is even possible for them, that makes sense to me.

“And it’s not perfect, they fuck up, they don’t talk, they push each other and it should all fall apart but it doesn’t, because they get each other, they know each other and they know how worth it that is. And they learn from that and their experiences, what they need to do, the effort they need to put in to keep going. They know that they need to talk, they need to tell or show each other how much they love each other, they need to support each other through the tough times and appreciate the happy times, I guess those people are soulmates, because there’s no one else more perfect for them,” David said, pressing a gentle kiss to Matteo’s lips.

“Are those people us?” Matteo whispered.

“They are,” David said.

Matteo reached behind David and grabbed the remote, shutting off the camera before kissing him again, properly, intensely, he got lost in it until David was pushing him down onto the sofa and crawling over him, boxing him in, shielding him from everything so that it was only David and nothing else mattered. They stayed that way for a while, just comforting each other, taking comfort from each other. It had been rough but it had felt so good getting it all out there. Matteo felt very silly for reacting that way but he knew David didn’t see it as silly which felt good. David thought his reaction was understandable, wasn’t angry at all. Even though it had been stupid Matteo was glad he’d done it. He knew now what he had already known, David didn’t want him to change. David loved him exactly as he was.

“Are you going to upload it?”

“Can I?”

Matteo thought about it for a good few minutes, he didn’t really want to be splashed all over the internet but he did want to shut down the tabloids, he wanted to highlight just how bullshit it was. He wanted people to see this David, the David he got. He wanted to share just a fraction of that.

“Yeah but… do subtitles please, I know I was talking quietly I can't help it.”

“Will do,” David said, kissing him again.

“Thank you for getting it, for not thinking I was stupid,” Matteo said.

“Matteo your feelings aren’t stupid, just because they’re not based in fact doesn’t mean they're stupid,” David insisted, squeezing him, knowing how that comforted him.

“You’re the best,” Matteo said, “you always get me, we have the chemistry, we’re perfect, I’m sorry I doubted that,” he said.

“You doing ok?”

“Yeah this was… it was a blip, a massive bout of insecurity,” Matteo explained. “I think I was struggling because you were away, so it left me vulnerable. I got pretty low while you were gone and this just hit me so hard.”

“It won’t happen again, we’ll talk, always talk to me ok? Even if you think it’s silly please tell me, I won’t laugh at you, not over something like this. But I love you so much, more than anything, there is no better person for me than you, ok? I love you exactly as you are, I wouldn’t change a single thing,” David said.

“Even how much I overreact?”

“Even that, I don’t want you stressing but I wouldn’t change that for my benefit only yours,” David said.

“I love you, David,” Matteo said, kissing him again.

He felt so much better, felt light and free like he didn’t have to worry about anything. David wasn’t going anywhere. Wasn’t leaving him for some person he barely knew. They’d been together years at this point, David was right in what he said about soulmates. They were soulmates because they met at the right time, learnt about each other and what they needed from each other and it just worked, even when they messed up like this they talked and they worked through it and through it all they loved each other, understood each other. They were perfect for each other. They had the chemistry, they were soulmates.

Chapter Text

David wasn’t sure how long he’d been in the bathroom. He hadn’t thought he was that drunk until he’d gotten off of the loud, crowded dance floor and into the brighter lights of the club’s bathroom. It was like it suddenly hit him. It felt a bit like the cubicle was spinning, so instead of going straight back out; he closed the toilet seat and sat down for a minute, just waiting for the dizziness to pass.

He’d only had a few beers. And a couple of shots. And half a cocktail that Matteo had stolen from him. David thought he’d done well, although Matteo insisted he was a lightweight. Just because he could down at least ten beers and a shit ton of vodka and still stand up straight. Or at least as straight as Matteo could ever stand.

David smiled to himself. Now he was thinking of Matteo he suddenly had the urge to go out there and dance with him again. 

He just needed to make his legs work again.

He heard the main door of the bathroom open and the sound of the pulsing music for a few seconds. He could be dancing to that music right now, pushed up close against Matteo. What was wrong with his stupid legs?

He sighed and hoped no one was desperate to use this cubicle. The other two were in a pretty poor state. Still, he wasn’t moving yet. Instead, he listened to the new occupants of the bathroom. It sounded like two guys, even drunker than he was.

“Do you reckon she’ll text me? It’s been ages,” one of them said.

“Paul buddy, it was tonight, you gave her your number tonight,” the other one said.

“Yeah, but still,” Paul muttered.

“But you know what I don’t get?”

“What?”

“Why she was even into you dude.”

“Fuck you, Noah,” Paul said crossly.

David grinned to himself, they sounded just like Carlos and Abdi.

“Oh fuck that reminds me, you remember that fucking hot, tall girl Ben hooked up with the other day? Like way out of his league?” Noah asked.

“Oh god she was fucking hot,” Paul said dreamily.

“You’ll never guess what?”

“What?”

“They got back to her place, and she was transgender! Like you’d never have guessed!”

David felt his blood run cold. Now he couldn’t move for a completely different reason.

“Damn, for real?” Paul said.

“Right?”

“Still, she was way out of his league,” Paul said. “It’s not fair. Why did she go for Ben anyway? I’m the hottest of the three of us,” he added confidently.

Noah scoffed at that. “Oh yeah, and what would you have done if she did? If you’d gone back with her, what then?” he demanded, completely perplexed at his friend’s reaction now.

David was trembling listening to all this, he no longer felt drunk, just ill. How Noah was perceiving this girl was making him feel ill. He knew what was coming, how they were going to talk about her and he couldn’t bear to heat it. Because it was how they would talk about him, too.

“Dunno dude, I’m sure I could’ve figured it out, shown her a good time,” Paul said, chuckling. “Maybe… I dunno she was that kind of intimidating hot, but then… she should be intimidating looking like that. That’s why it was so confusing that she went for fucking Ben,” he rambled. He didn’t seem to get what Noah was implying.

“Dude! That’s gay dude, she was transgender, ” Noah said.

“No, it isn’t. Is it? I don’t think so,” Paul said, confused now.

David took a deep breath and tried to stop his hands from shaking. They weren’t malicious; he didn’t even think they were cruel. Just dumb. He didn’t think they meant him harm, but Noah’s words cut deep.

“I dunno,” Noah said. “She was… she still had… you know...”

“Well, did Ben hook up with her? He’s not gay,” Paul argued.

“Yeah, all he said was it was different, but I don’t know dude,” Noah said.

David had to get out of there, he couldn’t stay any longer. He stumbled out of the cubicle, but both boys turned to him. They were by the door and he had to get past them. He braced himself and went to the sink. He wasn’t going to let them know he was upset, so he washed his hands and splashed his face, hoping to hide his tears.

“Dude ask him,” Paul suggested, pointing at David.

David clenched his hands and made to leave.

“Hey you did you hear all that?” Noah asked.

“Sorry I have to go,” David said.

“Wait do you think it’s gay to hook up with a transgender lady? Like would you?” Noah asked him.

“No!” David yelled. “I’m gay! It’s not gay, she’s a girl, and that’s so fucking mean of you to say, please just leave me alone,” he said, taking another deep breath but it was too late he could feel the tears on his face. 

Noah could probably see them. His eyes went wide and to his credit he immediately looked ashamed of himself.

“Hey wait dude sorry,” he said.

“Look what you’ve done,” Paul said, a little crossly. “I told you it wasn’t gay, you’re so fucking rude sometimes,” he added, shoving him.

David just fled. He couldn’t deal with this. He needed to go. He needed Matteo. He felt ill. He didn’t feel drunk anymore. He felt cold and headachy, as if he’d suddenly gone straight to hungover. Except it wasn’t the aftereffects of alcohol he was suffering from. No, it was the stark reminder that he wasn’t enough. That he would never be enough.

It didn’t take him long to find Matteo, without David he’d fled the dancefloor to hide in the corner. His boyfriend immediately knew something was wrong, was immediately concerned. David had no idea what he looked like, but he felt like he was about to burst into tears. Matteo must’ve seen it on his face, because he pulled him in for a tight hug.

“What’s wrong?” he said, directly into David’s ear, so he didn’t have to shout too much over the music.

“Can we go?” David asked. “Right now please,” he added.

Matteo just nodded and took his hand, leading him to the door. David saw him take his phone out, probably texting Jonas to let them know where they were going. David just stared straight ahead, trying to keep the tears from spilling over.

Matteo’s hand felt like a lifeline right now, anchoring him, keeping him safe, stopping him drifting far away. Instead of giving into his spiralling thoughts he focussed on his hand in Matteo’s. He squeezed and Matteo squeezed back.

“What’s wrong?” Matteo asked quietly.

“I want to run away,” David admitted.

“Ok,” Matteo said after a moment, his grip on David’s hand becoming tighter. “Please don’t,” he whispered.

“I won’t. It’s really fucking hard, but I won’t,” David promised him.

It was taking everything he had to stay right now, but Matteo’s hand in his was keeping him in place. He wouldn’t leave Matteo, that wouldn’t be fair and he didn’t want to. He knew leaving him would make him miserable. As hard as it would be, he knew what he needed to do. He needed to talk to Matteo, tell him what happened, let him reassure David that everything was ok.

“What’s wrong?” Matteo asked again, just as gently as before, not pushing, just checking in with him.

David sighed. They were almost home, but he didn’t want to talk about this at home, he wanted to get it out now. Wanted to tell Matteo everything out here, then retreat to the safety of his apartment. He pulled Matteo over to a wall and made him sit, then he began to pace. Matteo just waited patiently.

“I was in the bathroom and some guys came in-”

Matteo was up and on him in seconds. “David-”

“No no, nothing like that they just… they were talking shit,” David explained.

“To you?” he asked, very concerned now, starting to figure out this mood of David’s.

“No. I was in the cubicle, I just overheard them. They… one of their friends hooked up with a trans woman, right? And they were trying to figure out whether it was gay or not and it’s just… I just…”

“David,” Matteo said gently.

“I know, but they weren’t being horrible, they were just dumb and asking, but it hurt so bad, it hurt so bad and I just freaked out. I just burst out of the door and they turned, and they asked me, if it was gay?”

“What did you say?”

“That I was gay and told them not to be mean, god I must’ve sounded so stupid and pathetic,” David said.

“No, David you didn’t, you did well ok? That must’ve been so scary, I’m proud of you for getting yourself out ok?” 

David pushed him back onto the wall and climbed onto his lap. Matteo held him tight and pressed a kiss to his temple. David felt cradled and safe.

“Do you ever feel like… do you ever feel like you’re missing out? Being with me, I mean?” David asked.

“Missing out on what?” Matteo said, almost scoffing, sounding completely incredulous.

“Sex. Proper sex. You know… you’re gay and I’m… do you ever think it would be easier if you were with a cis guy? Do you ever feel like you’re not really gay because you’re with me? Do you ever feel like you’re missing out on sex with a real man?”

Matteo just stared at him, shaking his head slowly, as if this was the first time the thought had even crossed his mind. But David couldn’t believe that was true, he had to have thought it before. David did, not as much lately, but still it was a thought that liked to overtake him whenever he was already feeling particularly low.

“No,” Matteo said eventually, still frowning at him.

“No?”

“I promise my answer is no,” Matteo said with more certainty. “But I think you need more of an answer than that, can you let me think and then I’ll explain?”

David nodded and smiled weakly. God, did he love this boy, how he understood him so well. How he just knew that the answer itself wasn’t enough. David would wait for hours just to hear Matteo’s response. But not out here, they were both going to freeze if they did.

“Ok I’ll wait, but let’s get home,” David said, standing up and holding out his hand for Matteo. 

Now that he’d told him, he felt a little bit lighter. Because even though it still hurt, he just knew Matteo was going to make it better, so now he could go home.

They walked the rest of the way hand in hand. Matteo quiet beside him, just thinking things through. David couldn’t believe an hour ago he’d been drunk and buzzing. Overhearing that conversation had certainly been sobering.

When they got back inside, Matteo was still quiet, but he smiled nervously at David.

“You know what you want to say?” David checked.

“Yeah, I do. I think so,” Matteo said.

David nodded and went into the kitchen to get them some water, they’d both been drinking and he didn’t want to feel rough in the morning. Matteo smiled fondly when David handed him his glass.

They went into David’s room, and Matteo collapsed onto the bed. David rolled his eyes and pulled him up, tossing a t-shirt at him for him to get changed into. David did the same, stripping off his clubbing clothes and changing into his pyjamas. Then they both got under the covers and David climbed into Matteo’s arms again. They didn’t often lay like this, Matteo grumbled whenever he wasn’t being held, said he couldn’t sleep, but they weren’t sleeping now. They were talking, or Matteo was going to talk. Matteo was going to talk and drown out that voice in his head. He was going to talk over him and help him see again that he was enough, that he wasn’t lacking.

“Ask me again,” Matteo said.

David raised an eyebrow and smiled. “Do you feel like you’re missing out, being with me instead of someone… easier? And even… you’ve only ever been with me, don’t you ever want… or wonder about sex with a real- with a cis guy?” he asked, correcting himself this time.

He knew the answer, but he needed to know.  

“No. No, I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything,” Matteo said. 

“Ok, but what if…. Ok if we weren’t dating, and we met in a club? And I don’t know we went home together, and you found out I was trans, then what?” David asked, he knew he was already pushing, that Matteo needed to speak without being interrupted. But he also knew that Matteo got that he couldn’t do that right now. He had worries and questions he needed answered. He needed reassurance.

Matteo raised an eyebrow.

“What?” David asked.

“Have you met me?” Matteo asked.

“What?” David asked, really confused now.

“You think I’d go home with you the first night we met?” Matteo demanded, a little teasing. “But seriously, you know I’m not wired that way. You know sex isn’t like that for me, so I don’t know if I can give you the answer you want there.”

David chuckled, that was true. They were both similar in that respect, albeit for different reasons. “I dunno, you are pretty easy,” he said.

“Fuck you,” Matteo muttered. “But… ok I guess... and this is a real stretch. You know I’m not good at hypotheticals but if you were… I dunno like super confident and… I liked you right away because... well it’s you. I guess I would trust you. And maybe I would go home with you because you’re you, so… fuck David I had ready what I wanted to say, you’ve confused me,” he said, pulling the covers up over their heads.

David smiled and placed his hand on Matteo’s cheek, calming him. He knew why he was stressed, why he’d taken so long, right now Matteo was afraid. He was scared of saying the wrong thing, of hurting David. But David knew he wouldn’t.

“Sorry ignore that question,” David said gently.

“No, I’ll come back to it. Can I give my answer first?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah,” David said, settling down again.

“Ok there are at least two parts, can you let me say both?” Matteo asked.

“Yes. I am listening,” David promised.

“I might lose track,” Matteo warned.

“I want to hear anything you have to say,” David said.

He relaxed even more when Matteo started to play with his hair. 

“Ok so… I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. We’ve talked about this before, the sex thing, you know I’d never want anyone else in the way I want you. But I can honestly say even if I had a more typical attitude to sex, I’d still never want anything else than what you give me. With you it’s perfect, it’s fun, it’s fucking amazing, mind-blowing. It’s nothing I’ve ever experienced, it’s so good and I never want to experience it with anyone else. It’s only so good because it’s you. Ans I love every part of you, exactly as you are, because it’s you and you’re fucking amazing-” 

“Ok but-”

“No David,” Matteo warned.

“Sorry,” David murmured, settling down again.

“I love you,” Matteo said firmly. “But it’s more than that. So, ok for me… I don’t know how it is for you, but for me… I love you exactly as you are, but also separate from that you’re like crazy hot,” he said.

David looked up at him, even in the dim light he could see he was blushing. David giggled. “Yeah?”

“Oh yeah, damn David. You know my attraction to you is about more than that. You know when it came to sex it was a bit slower, it was about you and how I trusted you. But seriously there is no one as hot as you. You know it too, you know the effect you have on me, you use it for evil all the time-”

“What?” David demanded.

“Like when you want to get me out of bed early and stuff,” Matteo told him.

David rolled his eyes fondly.

“Or get me into bed,” Matteo added quietly. “Ok I’m not answering properly am I?”

“You’re making me feel a bit better,” David said.

“Nah I can do better, just give me a chance,” Matteo insisted. 

David didn’t doubt him, Matteo always made him feel good.

“We have time, I’m not going anywhere,” he said.

“Ok let me try again. It’s really hard for me to explain, you know? Because it’s such a non-question to me. Like it makes no sense to me that you even need to ask that, but I do know it’s not that simple. Like I know I love you, but that’s not enough in this case-”

“It’s always enough,” David promised him, he never wanted him to feel like his love wasn’t enough. It fixed nothing not on its own, but it was always enough.

“Ok, but it’s not enough of an answer,” Matteo explained.

“Ok try again,” David said.

“Ok, what those boys were talking about, what they were asking-”

“It’s a valid question isn’t it?” David asked him.

Like he wished it wasn’t, that these questions didn’t need to be asked. But he also understood that those boys were confused, and not knowledgeable on the topic. They genuinely didn’t get they were being hurtful, and he even remembered Noah’s face the moment he realised he was. But he had hurt him, his words had cut deep and had David doubting everything about himself.

“Er… it depends, like if they weren’t being nasty then yeah they’re allowed to think on it, I… sometimes to understand something you have to talk it through and ask dumb questions, and… best they ask each other rather than their friend’s girlfriend,” Matteo said.

“I mean I don’t think she was his girlfriend, although… aside from the confusion, they didn’t say anything bad about her. But then they were surprised, and a bit shitty, but… no they weren’t… it was just regular boys shitting on each other. And they were just trying to figure out what it meant, like it sounded like they fancied this girl and it wasn’t like that stopped, it was more they were confused about themselves.” David explained.

“Ok and that’s annoying, but it’s not your responsibility to educate them, after your reaction they may even go and figure it out,” Matteo said.

“Yeah I hope so,” David said.

And he really did, he hoped they learnt and understood why it was wrong that they said all that stuff. He hoped they’d just been drunk and a bit stupid and a little too free with their words.

“Ok so back to what I was saying… I never had that thought you know? When you told me you were trans?”

“But you were confused when I told you?”

“I was, there was a lot to think about-”

“Like what?” David demanded.

Matteo frowned at him.

“Sorry,” David said. He was really interrupting Matteo today.

“Ok, so honestly… firstly… you really confused me in the way you told me,” Matteo explained.

“I was as clear as I could be,” David argued.

“I know,” Matteo mumbled, hiding his face in David’s hair.

“But I get it, with you I have to be direct, to the point I know that, I knew that then too. I was just so scared of scaring you away, I was so scared of you seeing me differently,” David said.

Matteo shifted them so that they were face to face, still holding him, but able to look at him properly.

“I get it, I know why you told me the way you did, but nothing you said was going to scare me away. I know I was hesitant, I know I was slow, ok … there was… fuck I don’t want to tell you,” Matteo said, trying to pull away from David, but David wouldn’t let him go.

“Matteo it’s ok, I won’t be mad,” David promised.

“I… it’s no…”

“Matteo,” David said gently.

“It’s the way you told me and the way I take so long to think things through, for just a moment I thought… am I definitely gay?” Matteo whispered.

David was shocked at that, but that sinking feeling didn’t come like it did with those boys in the bathroom.

“Matteo,” he said gently, he knew he would need a little encouragement to speak now.

“No David, please, it was just for a second and I didn’t understand and… and I still hadn’t even barely come to terms with the fact I was gay, it was so much David,” Matteo said, wide eyed and panicking.

“I’m not mad-”

“But honestly it was barely a second and then you left and I was literally like of course you’re gay Matteo get the fuck over it and sort this,” Matteo continued. “But it was like… I’d been fighting it for so long, being gay? And I was only just starting to accept it, it was still hard but I dunno you telling me that was like… I knew I had to stop making excuses. I was gay, I loved you and I wanted to be with you and that made me gay.”

He was still tense and shaking, so David held him tight and kissed him gently.

“Ok?”

“But then… I knew that it was wrong, what I thought. I didn’t know barely anything, but I did understand, you were so adamant you know? When I almost misspoke and you corrected me and I knew, I knew that was the wrong thought and I knew I’d fucked up and was fucking up by letting you walk out and ignoring you. But also I scared myself, because what if I fucked up more? Because everything had clicked. You were scared of me, that was why… you were trying to stay away from me, right? You didn’t trust me?”

That wasn’t it at all, if anything it was the opposite.

“I did trust you, that was the thing, I trusted you, I didn’t want to but I did,” David said.

“Yeah but… still I knew how much you must have struggled to tell me and that meant I had to get it right but… there was so much pressure… I was so shit… the first few days I didn’t do anything… I looked up a few articles and videos about being trans to try and understand but… I kept… switching off, it was too much,” Matteo confessed.

David didn’t know any of this, Matteo had never told him. He’d apologised for taking so long, and David had accepted it, he’d known when he’d told him that it would take him some time.

And he knew what he meant now, he was talking about himself, the pressure on him not to screw up was immense.

“But… I pulled myself together, I er… I talked to Hans,” Matteo said, still sounding nervous and apologetic.

David knew this, and at first he’d been mad when Matteo confessed that. But he did understand that Matteo didn’t understand what he’d done. That he trusted Hans so completely that it didn’t cross his mind that David didn’t want him to. And he was genuinely sorry. David forgave him, of course he did. Matteo tried so hard, and sometimes he would make mistakes.

“I know, it’s ok, you didn’t know,” David assured him. “And you needed to talk to someone, you had a lot to work out.”

“I should’ve known,” Matteo said.

“You know now,” David said.

“But talking with Hans made it clear though… that all of that shit I was worrying about, about myself, it didn’t matter. Or it did, but… I loved you, and I was pretty sure you loved me… you always understood me, you were always so kind and patient with me. And I figured that perhaps instead of trying to memorise hundreds of fucking articles I should just talk to you… that you would… that if I tried my best not to fuck up, but still did you wouldn’t just write me off, do you know what I mean?” Matteo asked.

“I do,” David promised.

“Ok so… yeah I had that blip but literally… I never saw you as anything but a boy, it was myself I was confused about. But ok yeah you’re not the same as me, you know, our bodies, but… I dunno I don’t ever really think about it, maybe I should, it’s…” Matteo hesitated.

“It’s ok Matteo, don’t be scared,” David said.

“But…”

“If you say the wrong thing, I’ll correct you,” David promised.

“I can’t bear to hurt you,” Matteo said.

“I really don’t think you could,” David said.

And it was the truth, even when they were fighting, which was rare Matteo never said anything mean. Even when he got angry or wound up, he tended to turn it around on himself. Which did hurt. David hated to see Matteo hurt himself.

“Ok… well, we’ve talked about it a bit, but… maybe we should… I know you don’t like to. I know it’s uncomfortable but sometimes we have to talk about the uncomfortable things so… god I’m bad at this, I’ve been talking for half an hour and I’ve gotten nowhere,” Matteo said.

“You have helped, Matteo I do feel better, please keep talking,” David insisted.

“Ok what I’m trying to say is… I love your body David, all of it, and I know some days you don’t and other days you manage but… I’m not living that. I just see you and to me you are perfect. You know, I will never know how you feel, that wrongness, I just can’t get it, I believe, every time I believe you but… I… you’re perfect exactly as you are and if and when you change, you’ll still be perfect, you’ll still be you, just even more you than you were before. 

“And I’m not waiting for you to change you know. That’s for you, not me. The only difference it will make to me is that you’ll be happier and more confident, so I’ll be happier. But it’s your body, only yours, and you should only change for you. So I think my final answer is… I love your body but I don’t love you for your body you know? I love you because you love me, because you’re kind to me, and you understand me.”

“I love you too, so much,” David said. 

“But that being said, I know I don’t love you for you body but it’s fucking hot ok? I’m not… this is more than shallow, but goddamn am I attracted to you, like I’ve never been attracted to anyone else like this,” Matteo said. 

“Matteo,” David said, so overwhelmed he was trembling.

“But also your body is just right for me, you hold me just right, shield me from the world when it’s threatening to overwhelm me, you just wrap me up in your strong arms and I know everything is going to be ok. Er… so… your question was dumb. Wouldn’t I rather be with a real man is bullshit because you are, but also you’re my real man and I’m telling you David, I don’t want anyone else, I don’t even... no one compares you know? You’re it ok?”

“Ok,” David whispered.

“I know that doesn’t fix anything, doesn’t take away your dysphoria or your worries, but that is how I feel, please don’t forget that,” Matteo said.

“I won’t,” David said.

“Good, did I… did it make sense?” Matteo asked doubtfully.

“Yeah,” David said.

“Even though I was rambling on… it’s so hard to come up with an answer. I know the question is a simple one, but the answer is so complex, my attraction to you, my thoughts on how much I love you, they are infinite,” Matteo said, staring at him with such a fierce look in his eyes that David felt dizzy.

“Jesus fucking Christ Matteo,” David whispered.

“What?”

“You are so goddamn... I know you struggle with your words sometimes, but when you do it, take your time to explain what you’re thinking you’re a goddamn poet, you know that?”

“Shut up,” Matteo muttered, blushing.

“Thank you,” David said sincerely.

“I don’t really think I helped,” Matteo said.

“Oh, but you did, you really did,” David said.

“I don’t think I answered anything,” Matteo mumbled, burying his head against David’s shoulder. 

David just held him tight.

“I knew what you meant, I know your answer,” David assured him.

“Sure?” 

“I’m sure you love me,” David said.

“I know but… this isn’t about love is it? This is… fuck it David.” Matteo pulled back to stare at him again.

“It’s ok, Matteo, it’s ok,” David said gently, running his hand through Matteo’s hair, trying to soothe away any trepidation.

“No, I have another answer,” Matteo said.

“Ok don’t get stressed,” David said.

Matteo pulled away and sat up, the covers falling down around him.

“I- I-”

“Matteo, take a breath,” David said, sitting up and taking his hands.

Matteo did, then he nodded like he was deciding something.

“If I went home with you on a one-night stand, which would be fucking impossible because there is no way I could ever be with you for just one night. I’d die, once I’d had a chance with you I think I’d die without you. Or I would just beg you to stay or whatever,” Matteo said, grinning now.

“I would be the same, don’t worry,” David said.

“But… if I did and I dunno you got me back to your place and that’s when you told me you were trans… I can’t promise that I would react well, or that I wouldn’t have to take a minute but… I don’t think that would be like… it wouldn’t stop me wanting you. Like the chance to spend the night with you? What difference does it make to me that you’re trans, you’re still the fucking hottest guy I’ve ever laid eyes on yeah? But also… it also makes it a bit easier for me,” Matteo said.

David frowned, confused. That didn’t sound right, how was him being trans easier?

“Why?”

“I dunno just…. it makes you seem real, less… not less perfect, but less impossibly perfect,” Matteo said.

“Me being trans makes me less perfect?” David asked.

That could be a really hurtful thing to say, but David was sure that wasn’t what Matteo meant.

“No, you being insecure about being trans makes you less perfect,” Matteo said.

That made sense, if Matteo found him a little intimidating. Matteo knew all about insecurity, knowing David had his own issues would be almost a comfort to him.

“Oh.”

“And I dunno…”

“Was that how it was when I told you for real?” David asked, curious.

“Yeah, I… it made me take stock of how I saw you… I’d thought you were perfect, that there was nothing you could do wrong but… when you told me I understood you better. How you behaved and reacted, that was wrong. We were both making mistakes but… before you told me, I’d put it all on me, it was me that had fucked up but… you had too. I know you needed space and time to figure this out, but you did go about it the wrong way, constantly running away, being so hot and cold. It was hard for me to understand you or your motivation. So when you came out to me I started to truly understand you and then when I found you in the pool I knew what to say… or yell. So it was more about you just being honest with me, not the fact you were trans but the fact that you were so fucking vulnerable with me, then I knew I’d never feel like this with anyone ever again.”

“I fucking love you,” David whispered.

He felt like crying, he always felt loved by Matteo, but in moments like this when he was so impossibly sweet and sincere it was overwhelming. He closed his eyes and tried to calm down. All the thoughts from earlier were gone. Those boys didn’t matter anymore. All that mattered was Matteo. David climbed into his lap and Matteo’s arms immediately circled him.

“Was that ok?” Matteo asked nervously.

“Matteo?”

“Yeah?”

“You know how you say my body is perfect, even when I don’t see it that way?”

Matteo looked at him, confused. “Yeah?”

“Everything you say to me is perfect, ok? Every time I need you, you step up. Maybe you struggle to get those words out, but when you do, they are so damn perfect. I just knew you would help. I didn’t run away because what good would that do? I run away and be miserable by myself or I stay with you and let you reassure me so… thank you Matteo, that was perfect… I fucking love you so much,” David said.

“You’re ok?” Matteo checked.

“You’ve made me feel amazing,” David said.

David felt incredible. Yes it was difficult, some days this body felt like it wasn’t even his. He would stare at himself in the mirror and wonder what had gone wrong. That’s how he felt when those boys were talking about that girl. They didn’t see her right and therefore didn’t see him right. They would see that he had the wrong body, that he wasn’t quite real.

Matteo saw him right, Matteo saw he was real. Yes, he’d had the very same doubt as those boys and no matter how brief it had been it was still real. But David knew Matteo, knew what he was going through, back then he was still struggling to accept he was gay. He’d mostly made peace with it, but he’d been questioning it, talking about it, working it through. David got why he had that thought. It didn’t hurt, that thought was about himself. He never wavered in how he saw David, even when he tried to question it back when they were sitting on the bed it was because of the way David had worded it. He was trying to explain in a way Matteo would understand; he didn’t know how to do it without referring to himself in terms he hated. 

Matteo had been confused, but he’d gotten there.

“I’ll always make you feel amazing,” Matteo murmured, smiling fondly at him.

The way Matteo was looking at him now made him feel hot all over. Of course Matteo was attracted to him. He was attracted to him as a man because that was how he saw him. Matteo was gay, and he was attracted to him. There was no question of that, the way he was staring at him, eyes dark, cheeks a little flushed.

David laid back and pulled Matteo on top of him. He wanted Matteo to make him feel amazing, just like he was promising. Matteo stared down at him, hands planted either side of his head.

“Not drunk?” he checked.

“Not drunk,” David confirmed. 

“Not upset?”

“Not even remotely,” David said.

“Ok, then I’m gonna make you feel real good, David,” Matteo whispered, trailing a hand down his side, far too slowly for David’s liking. 

“Yeah,” David breathed, when Matteo’s hand was finally where he wanted it.

“I’m gonna worship you like you deserve,” Matteo said, falling forward slightly, and resting his head against David’s.

David knew he would, he always did. 

He’d been so scared before their first time. Scared of being lacking, that his body wasn’t enough, that when Matteo saw what he had to work with he’d be turned off. 

It had been nothing like that. Matteo’s reaction was so far from what he’d been expecting. He knew Matteo was good, knew he’d try his best to hide any disappointment. So David had trusted that if they got under the covers and he tried his best maybe they would be ok.

But it had been nothing like that. Matteo hadn’t even blinked when he’d gotten undressed, he’d just continued to stare at him with dark eyes. David had felt so seen in the best way. He’d taken Matteo’s hand and led him to the bed. He’d been nervous. Matteo had been nervous, but David knew it wasn’t going to be just ok, it was going to be fantastic. He knew he didn’t need to hide, knew Matteo wasn’t disappointed at all. 

No, David could see the attraction plain on his face. He wanted David, desired him exactly as he was.

He’d never seen that look before, had seen something similar, but never on this level. It was almost dizzying. David felt desirable under his gaze, and it was a feeling he didn’t want to let go of. And he didn’t have to, Matteo’s desire never wavered, that look he gave him never faltered. Sure he toned it down to something more appropriate when they weren’t alone, something more akin to lovestruck than horny. But David knew it was still there, knew every expression of Matteo’s by now, and he always looked at David like he was seeing the best thing in the world.

A few weeks later, David and Matteo were walking across campus, hand in hand, when David heard yelling. He didn’t think much of it until someone grabbed his shoulder.

David tensed ready to fight and whirled around to find himself face to face with Noah from the club. Immediately he was nervous, pressed himself closer to Matteo, scared.

“Hey! Toilet boy!” Noah said. “I can’t believe I found you.”

He was sober now, there was an apologetic look on his face, but David just wanted to get out of there.

“Please leave me alone,” David said quietly.

Matteo had stayed silent until now, giving David space to react, waiting for direction. He stepped forward now so that he was slightly in front of David, shielding him from Noah. Noah seemed to get it, he took a step back and held his hands up to show he meant no harm.

“Just give me one chance, please, hear me out,” he said.

“I don’t, I can’t,” David said, starting to shake.

“Go away, please,” Matteo said gently, pulling David against him.

Noah hung his head. “I’m so fucking sorry,” he said quietly.

“It’s ok. It’s fine, just leave me alone,” David begged.

But David knew he had to hear him, for his own peace of mind. It was why Matteo wasn’t taking him out of there; they needed to hear what Noah had to say.

“No, it fucking isn’t. I… after I saw your face in that bathroom, I knew I’d fucked up big time. I went home and went online and asked a bunch of people what I’d done wrong. I got absolutely ripped apart man, people calling me all kinds of shit but… they were right weren’t they?”

David stopped trying to hide then and turned to Noah, surprised by the turn of events.

“They were, but there’s no need to be mean,” Matteo said kindly.

“No, but… these people get it all the time, they’re right to be fucking fed up, you don’t get it dude, we don’t get it,” Noah said.

Wow had he learnt, was so different already from that drunk idiot in the club.

“I do,” David whispered.

Noah’s face fell. “Oh holy fuck, don’t tell me that, please don’t make me feel a thousand times worse. I am so fucking sorry for what I said ok?” he said, absolutely distraught.

“It’s ok,” David said, even though he knew it wasn’t.

“No, it isn’t,” Noah said.

“No, it isn’t,” David agreed. “But I’m ok. You… you caused me to think some pretty shitty things about myself, but this is my boyfriend Matteo, he’s always there to reassure me when things get like that,” he said.

And it was true, what Noah had said was not ok, but he was ok. He was absolutely fine. He was happy and loved, and that was enough.

“I’m so glad, er… Ben is dating Emma now, I know we give him shit, but he’s a great guy,” Noah said.

David smiled a little at that, he was sure he was. Hopefully Ben would learn too and be a good boyfriend for Emma.

“I… you shouldn’t go around telling people her business,” David warned.

“I know that now. And Ben shouldn’t have even told me before Emma was ready, but… she was so lovely about it, even though we were all shitty. But I apologised to her and we’re even kind of friends now,” Noah told him proudly.

David raised an eyebrow, and Matteo chuckled beside him.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I mean it’s hard. I still kind of have a crush on her? But she’s my best friend’s girl, it’s a mess basically,” Noah confessed.

This guy had absolutely no filter. David didn’t really know how to respond to that.

“Damn,” Matteo said, still laughing to himself.

“She really likes him though, and he’s head over heels for her so yeah it’s nice, I’ll survive,” Noah said. 

“Well, maybe she’ll be able to find you a friend,” Matteo suggested.

Noah laughed at that. “Maybe she will. But ok, I’ll leave you alone now. But just know, I am truly truly sorry for what I said. I think… we don’t know these things you know? And we ask dumb questions because we have such a black and white view of the world but it’s so much more complex than that, and I think as people perhaps we should be going out of our way to find this stuff out, to educate ourselves and be better,” he said.

David was impressed, he almost couldn’t reconcile him with the guy from the other night.

“You’re alright Noah,” David said quietly.

“Thanks toilet dude,” Noah said.

Now there was the guy from the other night. Matteo burst out laughing beside him.

“David, my name’s David.”

“Thanks David,” Noah said, before giving him a quick wave and walking off.

“Wow,” Matteo said, once they were alone again.

“Wow,” David agreed.

“He’s like… a total jock dude, but also really smart and insightful,” Matteo said.

“Yeah,” David said.

“Feel better?” Matteo asked.

“I do. I think what he was saying in that bathroom wasn’t a reflection of myself or even Emma, but Noah questioning what he thought about himself and sexuality. It was wrong, but he understands that now,” David said.

“Yeah,” Matteo agreed.

“He’s alright,” David said.

“He’s really hot too,” Matteo said, “not as hot as you, but damn, so hot, but so dumb,” he added.

“He is, isn’t he? Like this Ben guy must be fucking incredible if Emma went for him instead.”

Matteo giggled. “Straight boys are funny,” he said.

Yeah, I think he reminded me of Carlos a bit,” David said.

“So dumb but so kind.”

“Exactly.”

“You ok?”

“So ok,” he said, pressing a kiss to Matteo’s cheek and taking his hand again so they could head to the library.

David was fine, he was confident in himself and in his relationship with Matteo. His fears had been valid, and they probably would return. But the one thing David was certain of was Matteo. He knew Matteo would always be there, to chase away those fears when they arose. Matteo saw him right, Matteo was attracted to him exactly as he was, Matteo loved him. Loved him so fiercely that David was often overwhelmed by it. Yes, it didn’t fix or cure anything, but it still felt damn good to be loved by Matteo.

Chapter Text

Matteo had been planning this date for almost a year now. Eleven months to be exact. He’d spent all day preparing the food. He’d gone out and bought the wine. He’d even gotten a carrier for his bike the other day, so he could get it all there. He was so ready.

He’d had the idea last year, when he was looking through his little box of photos. His mum had given him some more stuff from the house when he’d told her they were thinking of moving in together. So he’d been sorting through his things, the little things he’d kept for some reason or other. Reminiscing. There were childhood photos, photos of his teenage years, mostly him and Jonas, but the boys too, and Hanna. There were photos of him and David from their road trip. Knick knacks too, little things he’d collected over the years.

Then David had given him that valve he’d picked up from the pool, asked him to add it to his memories, that it was a memory from the most important day of his life. The most important day of his life up to that point, he’d said. He’d said every day after that, every day with Matteo was the most important day.

So Matteo had added it to his collection, and he’d been struck with an idea. It was an important day, and they needed to celebrate it. He’d worked out the exact date by texting Jonas and then Amira about their exam dates, and calculating it. It wasn’t too tricky. He’d gotten the date, but then realised they’d missed it by over a month. It meant that he’d had to wait over ten months for the date to come around again. So he’d waited, bided his time, planned and schemed the best date he could think of.

It was nothing huge, just a picnic, good food and wine, but he was going to take David back to the pool where it all began. David had no idea. He probably didn’t even know the significance of the date. He’d been at Uni all day, had come home and told Matteo he was going to take a nap, asked him to wake him in an hour. Matteo had watched him sleep for a while. His wonderful boyfriend. He still couldn’t believe it sometimes, that he had him. That David had kissed him two years ago, and he was still here now. It wasn’t luck, but Matteo felt fucking lucky.

He’d snuck out of the room to check on everything, got the bags already. He was just about to go wake David when his boyfriend appeared in the doorway, making him jump.

“Hello,” he said sleepily. “Time is it?”

“Half five. I was going to wake you,” Matteo said.

“No worries, it’s all good. I’ll just get changed and then we can go, I have plans-”

“No David, you can’t I told you months ago, I wanted to do something together today,” Matteo said, trying to stay calm, but he felt his heart sinking.

David looked just as upset.

“You did? No? I told you I wanted to do something with you today,” he argued.

“No, you can’t, I’ve planned this for months, David!” Matteo insisted, trying not to get upset. He’d told David, he had. He’d not made a big deal out of it, wanting to keep it a surprise, but he had asked him to keep the date free. Fuck.

“Shit, I’ve been planning this for weeks,” he muttered, running a hand through his sleep ruffled hair.

“What do you have planned?” Matteo demanded, starting to relax a little, as things started to click.

David shook his head. “No you,” he replied.

Matteo scowled, he wasn’t giving in that easily. David approached him slowly, stepping into his space, placing his hands on his waist. He wasn’t going to win. Matteo was strong. He could resist him. David stepped closer, leaning his forehead against Matteo’s.

“What do you have planned, Matteo?” he whispered.

Matteo closed his eyes. It wasn’t fair, David was playing dirty. How was he supposed to surprise him if he got it out of him with tenderness? David started pressing gentle kisses along his jaw. Matteo felt his resolve crumbling.

“David, it’s supposed to be a surprise,” Matteo said quietly.

David pulled back and waited for Matteo to open his eyes. When he did, he just smiled.

“Ok? Surprise me then,” David said.

“It’s ok?”

“It’s ok,” David said.

“You know what today is?”

“I know what today is,” David said, “but it’s ok, I wanna see what you have planned, it’s probably better than what I have planned.”

“Ok go get dressed,” Matteo demanded.

“Bossy huh? I like it,” David said with a grin, scurrying off to do as Matteo said.

While David was getting ready, Matteo triple checked he had everything, then took it downstairs and loaded it onto his bike.

“Need me to take anything?” David asked, appearing out of nowhere for the second time that day.

“That was quick,” Matteo muttered, shouldering his rucksack.

“I’m excited,” David said, “we ready?”

Matteo shook his head, nervous now. “No, it’s gonna be shit, we should do your thing.”

“We’re going to, but we’re going to do yours too,” David said, “and it’s going to be amazing,” he promised.

When Matteo didn’t move, David pulled him into his arms and pressed soft kisses to his face, squeezing him tight. Matteo felt himself relaxing, calming like he always did in David’s presence.

“Every day with you is amazing Matteo, so whatever you have planned, I want to see it,” David said.

Matteo nodded and pulled back. “Ok,” he said quietly, going over to his bike. “Let’s go then,” he said.

David grinned and jumped on his own bike, racing off like always.

“David slow down!” Matteo yelled, pedalling as fast as he could to keep up.

“Come on, Matteo!” David shouted back over his shoulder, laughing as he went, but he slowed down enough for Matteo to pull up beside him.

“You don’t even know where we’re going,” Matteo muttered.

“I know where we’re going,” David said, grinning at him.

Matteo just smiled back. He didn’t mind; he had a feeling David had similar plans to him. There was no way he could’ve gone to the same lengths as Matteo though, he’d outdone himself this time. Eleven months was a long time to plan. He started to slow down then, wondering if he’d gone overboard, wondering if this was too much. If David even wanted to celebrate their first kiss. They hadn’t even been together then. Then David just gave him that excited smile of his, grinning and biting his lip, and Matteo knew it was just as significant to him.

“Knew it,” David said, when they got to the base. He propped his bike against the gate and moved to help Matteo with the stuff.

“Of course you knew it, why else would we come all the way out here? I couldn’t exactly blindfold you,” Matteo grumbled.

“You’d love that wouldn’t you?” David joked, climbing over the gate and holding his arms out for the bags.

“Shut up, David,” Matteo muttered, blushing and tossing the bags to him.

David just winked and held out his arms for Matteo. Matteo rolled his eyes.

“I can climb the fence, David,” he insisted.

“Let me catch you,” David said softly.

So Matteo did, he jumped down, landing on his feet, but straight into David’s arms, letting him pull him close. Then he picked up the bags and took David’s hand, leading him toward the building.

“Wait where are we going?” David asked after a few minutes.

“To the pool?” Matteo said, confused.

“We get in that way,” David said, pointing toward the basement windows.

“Nope, they’ve put bars up,” Matteo told him, pulling him round the building.

“Oh… wait you’ve been back?”

“Yep, had to get ready,” Matteo said. He’d been back a month ago for recon, and then again last week to drop off supplies. The window they’d climbed in had been barred up, but both times he’d managed to sneak in there’d been no one else around.

“Oh… oh ok,” David stopped.

“Ok?”

“Your thing’s going to be better,” David said, following Matteo now.

“No… just… you’re more spontaneous, I like to plan,” Matteo said.

“I know you do, come on,” David said, lifting their joined hands and pressing a kiss to Matteo’s knuckles. Matteo led him over to a window he’d found. It was boarded up, but the wood was loose. He showed David, and he pulled it back so there was enough room for Matteo to climb in, then take the bags from him. Then he climbed in after him.

“Wait here,” Matteo said, running off as David nodded, confused. He ran through to the crumbing changing rooms and grabbed the blankets and the three-sixty projector he’d left there the other day. He carried it over to the main pool and set it all up. Laying out the blankets and setting up the projector to create the under water feeling. It was getting dark out now, but he’d timed it right so that the darkening sky cast everything in a sort of purple light. It combined nicely with the blue light of the projector, which was casting ripple effects over the tiles, creating the perfect atmosphere for them. He’d learnt it all from David, talking about how he liked to light his scenes. He always paid attention.

He smiled at what he’d created, then he ran back to grab David.

“Come with me,” Matteo said gently.

He could tell David was getting impatient waiting, he was truly excited now, more than before, he was bouncing with it.

When they got to the pool hall, David stopped dead.

“Oh Matteo,” he whispered.

“Let’s go under water,” Matteo said.

“Fucking hell Matteo,” David said.

Matteo led him down the stairs to the blankets, and they sat down opposite each other. David just stared around the pool, awestruck, and Matteo smiled, knowing he’d done a good job.

“There’s food and stuff,” he said, opening the bags and pulling it all out. “And I got wine too, it’s romantic, right?”

He poured David a glass in the plastic wine glasses he’d bought specially, and handed it to him. David took it and stared at it, like he couldn’t quite believe what was happening.

“How long have you been planning it?” he asked.

“Nearly eleven months, I missed it last year you know?”

“Me too, I was… here,” David grabbed his own rucksack and pulled out one of his sketchbooks, opening it to a page and handing it to Matteo.

It was a sketch of him and underneath in David’s messy scrawl; it said I kissed him, finally. It was dated two years ago to the day.

“When did you draw this?”

“When you were sleeping,” David said, shuffling closer and clinking their glasses together.

“Finally?” Matteo asked.

“I’d been wanting to kiss you for weeks,” David admitted.

“Weeks?”

“Yeah, I used to watch you in school, before we even met,” David said.

“Yeah, you told me,” Matteo said.

“I used to watch you and pine, I never thought I’d actually kiss you though, never thought my dreams would come true. Turn back a few pages,” David said.

Matteo did. These were the pages that had been stuck down before. Interspersed with some of David’s most private drawings was sketch after sketch of him, just going about his days at school. Little captions underneath them: he has the bluest eyes, he can’t stand up to save his life, he looks lonely, I want to kiss him, I want to know him.

Fucking hell, David had been gone on him a long time. Matteo felt himself blushing, but he just smiled at David. He didn’t need to feel shy around him, hadn’t for a long time, but sometimes David would still do something that blew him away, little things like showing his heart like this.

“What were you planning to do today?” Matteo asked.

“No idea really, I found this and just figured we’d come back here, reminisce, talk about the past, talk about the future,” David said quietly, looking down at the book for a long time, then back up at Matteo. When their eyes met, Matteo realised what he’d been thinking, planning, and his hands began to tremble.

“The future? David were you… were you going to propose?”

“No. No. If I was going to propose I wouldn’t let you have today, no I was… I was going to see where you were. Sound you out,” David said.

“I would say yes, if you did,” Matteo said, smiling now. David knew where he was, they talked about this often, the future, their future.

“Good to know,” David said.

“Just saying the anniversary of our first date is coming up,” Matteo said, tone teasing.

“Too soon,” David said, rolling his eyes fondly.

“First, I love you?” Matteo said.

They had so many little moments like that, so many anniversaries. Matteo didn’t have anything huge planned for them, figured he’d let David have a few. But this one felt particularly important to him. It was only small really, in the grand scheme of things, but it was so significant too. It felt like his life had changed that day. Not immediately, but the little changes had rippled out from that moment, and impacted his life so significantly. It was one of the most important days, moments of his life. It had been the first time in a long time that he’d let himself be vulnerable, let someone in, and it had been wonderful. He’d never wanted to stop after that. Even though it hadn’t gone smoothly, he never quite managed to get his walls back up after that day. Never wanted to.

David just smiled and nodded to himself. “Yeah, that’s coming up isn’t it?” he whispered.

“No rush,” Matteo said. There was never any rush, they were both moving at the same pace, both moving in the same direction. They were both on the same page always.

“No rush, let’s talk about it, let’s keep talking about it,” David said.

“Now?” Matteo asked, taking another sip of wine.

“No, not now. Right now, we’re underwater,” David said, taking his wine glass from him and putting it to one side. He laid down and Matteo laid beside him.

They faced each other and smiled.

“We are,” he whispered.

“I bet I can hold my breath longer than you,” David said quietly, his voice hushed like he couldn’t possibly speak up.

Everything was quiet in the pool, muted, as if they really were under water.

Matteo just smiled.

“I was you know?” David said.

“What?”

“Holding my breath, until I met you it felt like I was holding my breath. I met you and it was like I could finally breathe again, finally exhale. It was such a fucking relief. I thought I’d hate it, being seen, but it was so damn freeing. I fucking love you. I fucking love you so much and every day with you I can exhale, I can breathe, I can relax, I can be me Matteo and good god, it’s a hell of a fucking feeling. So yeah, I wanted to bring you out here and show you my sketchbook and reminisce, and talk about out future, because you’re it Matteo. And it’s been two years since we first kissed, but we’ve got so many more years of kisses to go.”

“I… yeah… wow. I liked your plan better,” Matteo said.

“I liked yours, you’re the sweetest man I know, and it’s in every little gesture of love you give me, it’s in every sweet thing you say,” David insisted.

“But you’re… I wanna plan the future too,” Matteo said. Now there was nothing else he wanted to do.

“We can, but let’s drink wine and eat the food you lovingly made first. The future’s not going anywhere,” David promised.

Matteo didn’t move, just laid there, next to David, staring at his wonderful boyfriend. David reached out and stroked his face, rubbed his thumb over his cheek. Then he kissed him. He kissed him underwater in that abandoned pool where they’d first kissed two years ago.

Where Matteo had finally exhaled a breath he hadn’t even known he’d been holding. Two years ago everything had changed. Matteo kissed him back, just like that day. He let his mind wander to all the kisses they’d shared, all the kisses they were going to share. When they’d met, Matteo had been drowning, lost and floating away. David had come into his life, anchored him, brought him back to shore. For all that David said he’d saved him, David had saved him right back.