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Emil didn’t really realize until he’s older, but he’s always been following his brother’s steps.
His first memory was when his family went to the beach, and his brother was taking a walk just on the wet sands while his parents tried desperately to set the blanket and food up under the strong wind.
He just jumped up from the blanket and went after his brother, step by step walking on his brother’s footprints and almost lost balance a few times due to the tides coming and going. The tide eventually washed over his brother’s footprints and he started to cry. And he remembered his brother turning around and finally realized what he’s been doing.
“You are so weird.” he ran back at him, squatting down beside him and patted him on the shoulders. His brother was ten but to a four-year-old Emile he was the coolest person in the world. And he held his hand as they walked back to their parents, who were laughing and holding a glass of wine.
“Say hi, Emil.” his dad waved at them.
Emil waved his unoccupied hand shyly, “hi.”
“And Lukas, will you give us a smile?”
Lukas remained emotionless.
“Lukassssssss!” his mother pouted from beside his father, “just this once, give us the angel smile we know you have.”
Lukas waved his emotionless goodbye to his tipsy parents before walking away again.
“No, wait…” Emil struggled to keep up, and Lukas stopped to look at him.
“C’mon, Emil.” he said, extending his hand for Emil to grab onto again, “let’s go.”
That was ten years ago. A lot of things could happen in ten years, like your parents separated and your father took your brother away with him. Or like when your parents met again half years ago in town for the first time since the divorce and fell madly in love with each other all over again. Or like you had to move across the country because your parents decided to get married again and live in your father’s house.
Emil was not ready to see his brother again after such a long time. But when did his parents ever care about what he thinks?
Which was why he’s here, sitting at the dining table as his mother served them porridge for breakfast opposite to Lukas, now twenty years old, with his crispy white shirt and his face as unreadable as usual.
“This is nice, isn’t it?” his dad said dreamily, his eyes following his wife, who gave him a sugary sweet smile.
Lukas stirred his porridge. Emil looked nervously between him and his father.
“Isn’t it, Emil?” his father addressed, “isn’t it nice?”
Don’t talk to me like that, Emil wanted to say. Instead, he muttered, “sure.”
“Lukas?”
Lukas looked up from his bowl.
“Isn’t this nice?”
Lukas’s eyes drifted to Emil for a brief second before standing up, taking his half-eaten bowl to the sink before kissing his mother lightly on the cheek, “the breakfast’s nice, mother.” he said.
“Oh, thank you, sweetie.” his mother looked up and down at her first born before nodding in satisfaction, “are you leaving already?”
“Yes. I have to report to the marine in half an hour, so I’m running out of time.”
“Will you be home for dinner?”
Lukas shook his head, “I have plans.”
“With Matias and Berwald?” his father interrupted, “you can bring them here, you know? Introduce them to your mother?”
Emil shrunk in his seat.
There was a long pause before Lukas answered, “I don’t know. Another time, maybe.”
“Have a nice day.” his mother called after him as he wordlessly walked out of the kitchen.
Emil hesitated for two seconds before getting up and following after his brother.
He knocked on the open door of Lukas’ bedroom. His own bedroom was just next to his brother’s, while his parents’ main bedroom was right down the hall.
“Come in.”
Emil moved in small, anxious steps as he walked inside Lukas’ room. His room was a mess, his bed covered by at least six blankets, and there’re piles after piles of books on his desk, on the floor, as well as his clothes. Emil was surprised to see there were barely any clothes left in his open wardrobe, apparently most of them were on the floor.
Lukas was watching him, observing him, maybe. Emil tried to look as careless about it as he could, “so.”
Lukas looked at him expectantly.
“You are a marine now?” Emil asked, his eyes trained on the wall behind Lukas.
Lukas nodded at the uniform he was about to put on, “I suppose.”
“Do you, like, chase after pirates or something?”
“I don’t know. I’m new to it.”
“Why is there so many books?”
Lukas looked puzzled by it himself that he didn’t answer.
It was awkward. It was hard. Emil wanted to run and hide under his bed.
“…go?”
Emil was in his head so deep that he came around only to catch the last word of Lukas’ question, “what?”
Lukas’s lips twitched, “don’t you have school to go? You will be late if you don’t leave now.”
Oh, that.
“Uh, Dad said that I can start school next month.” he nodded to himself. It was an awkward with his parents as well, because he wasn’t ready to go to the small college in town that was co-operated with the church. Thankfully they didn’t really ask any question. They probably didn’t care if Emil go or not.
“Do you want to see it?”
“The school?”
Lukas nodded, “I will be passing it. I can show you around if you want.”
“I thought you are running late?”
“I am.”
“Then why…?”
Lukas shrugged, “it doesn’t matter. I want to show you around.”
Emil blinked, “oh.” Oh, “okay.”
Lukas gave him a close-mouthed smile, “let me change first, then we can go.”
It felt both right and wrong to walk behind your brother while he pointed out different architectures in a foreign town. Emil didn’t know why he was filled with a sense of familiarity because he was alone, and he didn’t know anyone here, and he hated his parents for bringing him to this unknown place for their own sake. Lukas didn’t look back, just walking down the brick road and nodded towards here and there while murmuring out some information about them.
Emil didn’t catch all his words, but he didn’t care. He just followed behind his brother, walking.
Lukas finally turned back at him after his silence lasted a little too long, “are you bored?”
Emil’s eyes snapped up to meet his, “why?”
“Am I boring you?”
“What…no!”
Lukas nodded, “okay. This is a small town and it doesn’t have a lot. I thought you might find it boring after living in a big city for so long.”
Emil was surprised, “you still remember living there?”
“Not much. I remember thinking here is bored when I first moved here.”
Emil didn’t know how to response.
“I do hope you like it, though. I’m very happy that you’re here, and I hope you can be happy here.”
That was not what he expected to come from Lukas. Lukas rarely talked about his own feelings and such, mostly he just stood aside and watch in silence. Emil didn’t think Lukas would say such thing.
And Emil didn’t know he needed it until he heard it.
Swallowing past the lump suddenly forming in his throat, he could only nod, his eyes blinking rapidly to get rid of the sudden moisture, “okay.”
If Lukas knew he was about to cry, he didn’t comment on it. Instead, he just continued walking, letting Emil following him wordlessly.