Work Text:
Have you ever actually seen someone nearly suffocate to death? No, not in its literal meaning. But the way they express their hopelessness by doing something drudgingly as if they put aside the probability that they could have be in comatose state (or even died) therewithal.
Well, that was basically Changwook and Hyeop saw right now.
In front of them, Hwang Yunseong was currently dancing to the beat as if there was no tomorrow. Just as the pop music being played, his body instinctively followed the rhythm just like he usually did on a daily basis. Even so, there was something in Yunseong that somehow didn’t feel alright today.
Yunseong gyrated his body in a very tetchy way which made either Changwook or Hyeop frowned in pure confusion. Yunseong was well-known by his sharp movements and perfect emotions every time he dances. That guy had so much control within. He knew when should he go soft and when should he go sharp. All of his slow and quickened movements were well-placed and he’d done it all effortlessly. But then again, there was something that just didn’t feel alright today. Be it his movements or his expressions.
Yunseong kept his face to be as grumpy as never before. His gaze formed onto a hardened glare and those angry little wrinkle made an appearance on his face. Two minor alterations were apparently copious enough to made Yunseong look abnormally scary. Anyone who saw him live would unhesitantly say that the guy was definitely not in a good mood.
But was it a mere vicious mood-swing which Yunseong sometimes had to deal with or was there any particular reason that somehow back it up? No one knew. Despite anything that actually went on, Changwook and Hyeop could still notice a slight disenchantment within his eyes.
“Shouldn’t we stop him?” Hyeop mumbled lowly. Hands grabbed the nearest fabric to wipe the dripped sweat off all over his forehead as both eyes still settled on Yunseong.
Yunseong had danced for two consecutive hours with almost no recess. From Believer and Close to pop punk and some emo songs that were being played through his phone, he still had a lot of energy within. He didn’t look exhausted at all. Instead, Changwook and Hyeop were the ones who felt it. They stared at one another and released a deep sigh later on.
Yunseong was definitely not okay.
Hyeop threw a sight and raised his eyebrow as if he told Changwook 'go-ask-him-i'm-too-scared-to-do-so' and Changwook nodded his head in agreement.
He cleared his throat first. “Yunseong hyung,” Changwook kept his voice low, trying his best to not make things become worse. He bit down on his lower lip nervously when Yunseong didn’t give him any reaction seconds after. "Yunseong hyung, I know you can hear me."
Yunseong finally stopped his move just as these six words uttered from Changwook's lips. He tilted his head so he could turn to face the voice who had called him out. His shirt was wet, sticking to his curve and defined muscle meanwhile beads of sweat rolled down his temple.
Yunseong looked all-sweaty and the exhaustion started to weigh upon the fold beneath his eyes.
Three seconds and five seconds later, but nothing came out from Yunseong’s mouth except the heavy breathing as a result of his tough practice.
"What has gotten into you, Hyung?" again, Changwook asked politely."You are behaving strangely todayㅡnot only today, but these past three days. What happened exactly?"
An unimpressed sigh escaping Yunseong's lips as he shook his head. "Nothing much, Changwook."
"I don't believeㅡ"
"I said it's nothing much, Changwook." Yunseong interrupted, halting Changwook before the younger could even finish his sentence.
Changwook and Hyeop freezed up, kinda surprised by what did they just hear. Indeed, Hyeop had just joined to Woollim and he had almost never practiced privately with Yunseong before. But still, he didn't expect Yunseong to be this scary (more like intimidating) when he was not in a good mood.
"Fine. I still don't believe it nevertheless. But if you don't want to share anything with me, then I won't force you." Changwook came into conclusion. "Hyeop hyung and I will go outside to get some drinks, do you want to go with us?"
"Not now. Thank you for asking." Yunseong answered immediately. Just as he was about to set another song, he turned his head to face the younger one more time. "Anyway, have you seen Minhee?”
"Minhee?"
Damn.
It was out of his control.
Yunseong cleared his throat, glancing around the practice room to hide his tricky expression. "Minseo, I mean.” He tried his best to keep his voice as neutral as ever, although his voice still implying he was ashamed by his own spontaneity before.
Both Changwook and Hyeop squinted their eyes in suspicion. But It didn’t last long as Changwook broke the ice later on with a purposeful innuendo. “No, we haven’t seen either Minseo or Minhee.”
Then it was Changwook’s turn to throw a sign at Hyeop. Changwook gave the older a sight as if he said ‘I-know-where-it’s-actually-going-so-let’s-just-leave-him-alone’ and Hyeop nodded in return. Changwook gripped onto the door knob as he exclaimed. “Just dial my number if you want us to buy you something!”
And the door closed.
Yunseong found himself leaned back against the wall and slowly slid to the floor once he was completely alone in the room. He felt sorry for Changwook and Hyeop because of the cold response he gave, but he had no choice to cope with it either. Not when he couldn’t even cope with the steady ache that lately attacked his heart.
Yunseong released a sigh, still managing to reach for his phone despite his legs were already gave up and his lungs were seemingly about to burst. His hands fumbled with his phone for a moment, carefully entering the keycode to unlock it.
No one knew that Yunseong stealthily wished to see one certain person’s name appear as he did so. God, please let it be today.
Then his expression quickly changed as soon as his home screen came into his sight. His hopes vanished right away. No reply from him. It has been more than a week and there is still no reply from him. Yunseong shut his eyes in hopelessness, nothing but anger and bunch of negative waves returned to fill up his brain right now. And he felt exceedingly wrath by it.
There was no use for him to practise this hard. There really was not.
In the end of everything, his brain couldn’t stop thinking of Kang Minhee. Still, and hasn’t changed one bit.
Yunseong swore to God that this time, he just needed some kind of distractions.
***
“Minhee, aren’t you supposed to take a shower?”
The evening in the practice room was all deserted when Minhee felt his shoulder being tapped from behind. That guy quickly turned his head around just to make sure that it wasn’t some kind of gosh deeds he just experienced while ago and to Minhee’s relief, it really wasn’t.
Seungwoo, his leader—their leader —stood up right behind him with a wide smile plastered upon his face. A towel hanging on Seungwoo’s left shoulder as his hair was still dripping wet from the shower he took. “I’ll ask you again, Minhee. Aren’t you supposed to take a a shower?”
Minhee automatically replied with a simple smile. “I definitely will, Hyung. Dohyon is still there.”
“Okay, then. I will go to my room.” Seungwoo kept on smiling. Just as he was about to leave Minhee alone, he stopped his tracks and turned around instantly. “By the way, you have been spacing out quite often today, haven’t you?”
“Erm?” Minhee was taken aback by the sudden question. “A-am I?”
“Yeah.” Seungwoo, again and again, formed a hearty smile. But his smile seemed different this time. In some unspecified way, Minhee could feel the sincerity and the pacify that his hyung was trying to give through it. Minhee didn’t know how could it be, he just simply felt it.
“I-I didn’t notice that. I’m sorry, hyung.”
“It’s nothing. What are you saying sorry for?” Seungwoo chuckled. He lifted his hands slowly, gently caressing his palm above Minhee’s head. So gentle, so attentive. For a few moment, Minhee felt like he was a ten years old kid who was being spoiled by his older brother. “Minhee, you were thinking about him all this time. Am I right?”
Minhee gasped in surprise. He didn’t expect such question would come from Seungwoo’s lips. To be exact, he didn’t even expect anyone would approach him and ask him a question like that.
“Him who?” Minhee chuckled clumsily, trying to camouflage his lie.
“Minhee.” Seungwoo kept his voice low. “You know who am I exactly talking about.”
Minhee gulped his saliva, causing the small bulge on his throat to bob as soon as Seungwoo lowered his voice. Of course he knew. He knew it right at the beginning. He knew whom Seungwoo was talking about although he had no idea how could Seungwoo discover it. Did anyone else tell him about this? Or did he check Minhee’s phone?
Whatever it be, there’s no way Minhee did not understand to where this conversation was being directed to. Not when Minhee’s thoughts has consumed every piece of his sense and replaced it all with one name as a substitute. Hwang Yunseong.
Minhee avoided the latter’s gaze as a deep sigh escaping his lips. “Hyung, I don’t feel like talking about it.”
“I understand. But, Minhee.” Seungwoo was no longer caressing Minhee’s head. Instead, he stroked the younger’s covered shoulder. “The heart wants want it wants. Listening to your heart will not make you such a fool though.”
The heart wants want it wants.
Minhee smiled, although he actually forced himself to do that. “I know, Hyung.”
With Minhee who was looked down and Seungwoo who had no idea left about what else should he say to comfort the younger, the awkward silence started to settle among them. Before Seungwoo finally took an initiative to break the ice.
“Minhee. Can I ask you something?”
Minhee looked up. “Sure, Hyung. What is it?”
“Why avoid people when you can avoid regret?”
***
Seungwoo went by later on and the younger found himself brooded among his own thoughts. Minhee gazed up at the ceiling of the practice room that he currently occupied, trying to push away the remnants of one guy that had been running through his mind recently. Hwang Yunseong. His hyung, his everything. Even Minhee himself wasn’t sure if this had just happened recently, because all that Minhee knew was his mind had been; and always been thinking about Yunseong to the point that Minhee was no longer mind how long has it lasted.
Minhee’s hand reached into his pocket, fetching his phone. He let out a sigh as he blankly stared at the device’s screen. Or at Yunseong and him’s chat room, to be precise.
There it was. A portrait of Yunseong dressed in a pair of oversized jacket and black pants. The oversized jacket made the guy’s body looked drowned in it which made the corner of Minhee’s lips automatically uplifted, presenting a delicate smile. Cute, Minhee giggled. Yunseong had set that photo as his kakaotalk’s display picture since he visited his ads a while ago (the same period of time during the photo was taken) and although Minhee had already persuaded him to change it into the latest one, Yunseong himself hasn’t changed it yet up until now.
And there they were, the caused of Minhee’s terrible headache these past few days.
Voice messages.
It’s ten in total and it all came from Yunseong. Even though Minhee had read the chat room (and he was one hundred percent sure Yunseong knew it too since it’s impossible to turn the read receipts off in kakaotalk), none of them has been replied by him. Minhee had no guts to listen to it, let alone reply.
Why avoid people when you can avoid regret?
Minhee didn’t know why but Seungwoo’s remarks kept on wandering around his head. And Minhee also didn’t know how he ended up clicking the first voice message when he, himself, wasn't ready yet to stab another knife onto his chest.
July 20, 2019.
쁘띠 오빠 | 07.00 A.M
Minhee! Last night was bliss, right? Did you sleep well thereafter? I bet you didn’t. I wanted to say something to you, but I want to say it directly.
Only the first voice message but Minhee’s chest had already felt like it should have collapsed erstwhile. He missed this. He missed hearing Yunseong’s voice so much.
July 22, 2019.
쁘띠 오빠 | 09.03 A.M
You know, it’s nice to finally be back home. My mother just cooked me samgyeopsal and spicy kimchi and now I feel extremely full. Have you eaten? I hope you didn’t eat a raw ramyeon anymore. It’s not healthy.
Yunseong remembered it. Yunseong remembered how Minhee likes to eat ramyeon in a raw. Minhee knew it’s not healthy at all but that’s how Minhee would enjoy his ramyeon. And how could he still speak happily although he had to return home?
July 22, 2019.
쁘띠 오빠 | 10.00 P.M
You smile broadly during VLIVE! I was kinda worried at first but seeing you had fun playing around with Eunsang and Dongpyo makes me feel relieved. By any chance, would you please contact me hereafter?
Minhee felt the heavy weight on his chest started to emerge in. If only Yunseong knew how much Minhee wanted him to be there too. How much effort Minhee put to distract himself from being desperately in need of his presence, and still suffer in every attempt. If only Yunseong knew.
July 24, 2019.
쁘띠 오빠 | 08.00 AM
Hey, Minhee. Are you really that busy, huh? I will return to Woollim building today, hence I will be busy too. Maybe not as busy as you to the point that I can’t even check my phone up.
Minhee shook his head while chuckling softly.
July 25, 2019.
쁘띠 오빠 | 09.40 PM
Today is Changwook’s birthday and four of us had a VLIVE to celebrate it. It was really fun at first, you know. What made the rest turned less fun was just because I have to buy him a mattress. Fine. I’ll work hard then.
Minhee couldn’t help but laughing. Although he didn’t watch in on-time because he had other things to do, he managed to watch the loops that had been passing around the internet lately. Of course he knew the part when Yunseong had to give Changwook a mattress as a birthday gift.
Minhee was quite surprised because Yunseong apparently sent two voice notes in a day. But he still clicked the play button nonetheless.
July 25, 2019.
쁘띠 오빠 | 10.20 PM
Don’t you want to say happy birthday to Changwook? But don’t say in private. Just say it here. I’ll be willing to forward it to him later.
That was smooth, Hwang Yunseong. Smooth enough to make Minhee’s heart beat faster.
July 27, 2019.
쁘띠 오빠 | 06.20 AM
You know what, Minhee. I just received a video of me doing the most embarrassing thing—make a sexy gesture, I mean—back then that was filmed by Seokhoon teacher. I can’t believe he really filmed me.. should I upload it on Twitter?
Minhee chuckled. It was the moment when Yunseong volunteered himself to be the center of To My World and he was obliged to show something sexy. And how it went down … Minhee refused to talk about it.
July 27, 2019.
쁘띠 오빠 | 11.03 PM
I UPLOADED IT. I uploaded it just now. Oh, no. How come people keep retweeting it? Ah why did I upload it.. it’s so embarrassing.. I think I’ve got egg on my face. Minhee, help me..
Minhee couldn’t help but laugh freely. C’mon, when was exactly the last time Minhee laughed this happy?
July 28, 2019.
쁘띠 오빠 | 07.09 PM
Minseo and I went to buy some coffee. If only you were there...
Minhee held his smile. Well, hyung, if only you’re here too.
July 29, 2019.
쁘띠 오빠 | 03.40 AM
It feels like I’m always talking about myself here. Sorry about that. But honestly I always want to know what are you doing there too. Did you sleep well last night, what is the last song you have listened to, how was the preparation going and so on.. I know it sounds crazy but I want to know it all. So, please.. Minhee. I beg.
It was almost 8 in the p.m., and Minhee finally had enough bravery to press the call button.
“Minhee?”
Minhee felt his heart sank. “Yes. This is me, Yunseong Hyung. And I’m … I’m sorry I didn’t contact you earlier.”
“No, no, it’s okay.”
The silence that came after between the two wasn’t that type of awkward silence at all, if Minhee had to be honest. It was more like a soothing and relaxing moment. After a period of days with no phone calls as well as Kakaotalk chats; and now they were finally be able to call each other’s name again, both of them knew they needed some time to adjust.
“Are you still there?”
“Of course, I am.” Minhee answered immediately. “—i’m sorry, Hyung. I didn’t mean to let it be awkward. I just needed some time to process—“
“No, it’s okay, really.” Minhee could hear him chuckling across there. “So … you are free now?”
“Kind of that.” Minhee smiled as he landed his gaze on the towel rack, which he had postponed to take over it even though he was probably the only remaining member who hadn’t showered yet. “Anyway, about the voice messages—“
“Oh, no. That’s totally embarrassing.”
Minhee squinted his eyes then laughed. “I find it cute though.”
“So there’s someone out there who is badly desperate for you and your presence to the point that he keeps on overworking himself and a whole Kang Minhee thinks it’s cute?”
Minhee’s eyes widen. “Hyung, are you overworking yourself?”
“Have you eaten?”
“You’re unbelievable.” A deep sigh escaped his lips.
“Minhee, have you—“
“Didn’t I tell you to not overexert yourself ever again?”
“Tell me how to cope with this feeling then.” Yunseong sounded pretty capitulate now. “Tell me how to cope with this empty feeling because you’ve never contacted me again eversince.”
And his words has successfully left Minhee stunned. “Hyung. I’m … I’m truly sorry.”
“I miss you. A lot.”
“Hyung …”
“And I don’t care if I come off as desperate, but I really miss you.”
“I miss you too.” Minhee formed a friable smile as the tears started to well up on his eyes. “And I wish you are here.”
“But you were avoiding me lately?”
“It’s because I knew that I will never be able to talk to you the way I did after a whole 19th of July happened.” Minhee clenched his fist, trying his best to not make his voice comes out all shaky. “I knew that I will never be able to talk to you without blaming the universe … without blaming the fate … without blaming myself as well.”
Yunseong didn’t respond, but Minhee could hear a heavy frustrated sigh across there. “Hyung, I really meant it when I said I wish you are here. I really wish you are here, leaning your back against this fucking frigid wall while we both are sitting next to each other and talking about nonsense—or even if we are not talking at all, I really won’t mind. As long as you’re here with me.”
“Kang Minhee.”
“Well, fuck the universe and its goddamn plan.”
“Hey, Kang Minhee, hear me out.” Yunseong lowered his tone for the sake of Minhee’s serene. “It’s all fine, okay? Yeah, it hurts no matter what. I woke up to face the reality that it’s all over and I probably will not have any chance to debut as high as before—and I also won’t be able to see you in person as much as I usually do but like I said before, it’s all fine. The world spins, time heals, and it’s all fine eventually.”
Minhee slowly brushed away any oncoming tears as Yunseong said so. “So you’re telling me that it’s finally all fine for you to not be able to see me as much as before? How mean.”
“Kang Minhee, I’m trying to cheer you up here. Okay?”
Minhee chuckled. That’s it. That’s the exact moment when the clutch on Minhee’s chest seemed to fade away. The boy finally leaning his back against the fucking frigid wall—according to his remarks before—behind him then he allowed his body to slide down slowly. The floor and air were both frigid but Minhee didn’t really care about it. “So, what did you want to say, exactly?”
“Erm … congratulations?”
“Eh?”
“That’s what I’ve been wanted to say to you directly. Congratulations.”
Minhee squinted his eyes. “Just that?”
“It’s actually meant ‘congratulations for winning the battle against my horse-sense when they told me to stop thinking about you but instead; you, in any shape or form, always seem to be in the back of my mind.’ so it’s not a mere ‘just that’.”
Minhee couldn’t help but feeling cringeworthy. “What a weirdo.” Then he rolled his eyes as they both started to laugh along.
“But in all seriousness though,” Yunseong paused his laugh. “I’ve been really wanted to say that to you. Congratulations, Minhee. Congratulations for finally debuting. You truly deserve it.”
Minhee felt his heart pounding. Funny how they were miles apart yet he could still feel the sincerity that somehow came along. “Thank you, Yunseong hyung.”
“I’m not done yet.”
“Eum-hm. Keep going.” Minhee’s smile stay still.
There was a pause, a period of time that stretched out longer than the few seconds it really was, before Yunseong finally opened his mouth and muttered sincerely. “I know this may not sound so me but … please wait. Please wait a little bit until we can finally see each other’s faces again on the stage.”
And later on, Minhee found himself sitting down on the floor while hugging his knees as a wide smile—that smile again, that sort of wide smile that would make others think he might possibly be some kind of idiot—made its return to his face. It was prolly the most unforeseen sentence that he thought a whole Hwang Yunseong would never say, and it was prolly the moment when Minhee deplored himself for having zero spadework to anticipate it, and it was also prolly the moment when Minhee regretted his stupid action for avoiding him these past days.
But Minhee, in all seriousness too, felt that this moment was enough. Of course the thought of changing the fate as well as berating the universe for not making them debut together were still lived within him. But for now, this moment was enough. With him leaning against the wall of the practice room by himself and Yunseong—whatever he actually did across there, Minhee knew that guy did something worthwile for sure—talking through the phone freely; minding nothing but their own feelings, this was enough.