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“So, what are we gonna do now?”
“I don’t know”
He lit up a cigarette.
“That’s not going to help, you’re just going to get dehydrated faster,” Ezra said.
“Shut up.”
Michael knew that. He knew that he was going to get dehydrated. He knew everything Ezra was going to say. Don’t do this, don’t do that, all that crap. He wasn’t in the mood for confrontation right now, but it seemed like it was inevitable. It was coming fast like a storm, without a warning sign.
Well, the first warning sign was the car’s fuel running low, but the boys decided to ignore it for some reason. They were sure they would get to the farm before they would run out of gas. But they didn’t. So there they were, stuck in the middle of nowhere, waiting for the first car to pass by.
“We should call the cops or something,” said Michael, taking a long puff of his cigarette. His hands were slightly trembling from all the nicotine he ingested during the last hours.
“There’s no service.”
Ezra lied. There was service. Just at that moment, he would rather die, than not get all the thoughts out of his system, once and for all. Ezra fiddled with the edge of his jeans’ leg and finally started talking.
“So what’s the deal with Rose?” he asked, still looking down at his feet.
Michael grunted. “Jesus, don’t even fucking-“
“No, really, what’s the deal? What’s going on?”
Now Ezra's eyes were locked on Michael. Michael looked back at him with visible annoyance. He tried to hint that he wasn’t in the mood for all that, but his companion wasn’t having any of it. Michael took a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and wanted to light up another one, but Ezra grabbed the pack from him, took one out, and threw the rest to the ground. The pack slithered away, leaving a small dust trail in the air. With shaky hands, Ezra lit the cigarette, took a puff, and immediately started coughing. Understandably so, he didn’t smoke. But he still carried a lighter around. Just in case Michael needed one.
“There’s no deal with Rose,” Michael said finally, breaking the silence, “we’re just hooking up.”
Ezra scoffed, looking up at the mid-day sun. It was bright and unforgiving to his eyes.
“So, you would describe regularly hooking up as “no deal”? Interesting.”
There was an obvious tone of sarcasm in his voice. The boy smiled looking at the ground. He always smiled when he was angry. He didn’t know how the hell it worked. A coping mechanism probably: not to show your true emotions. That’s the only way to bearably survive in the Midwest.
Michael sighed. “Yes, I would describe it as not a big deal. I don’t understand why you’re getting so flustered about it.”
Ezra started laughing. “Oh really? You don’t understand? Wow, I didn’t expect you to be such a heartless bitch.”
He jumped up from the sandy ground, dust flying everywhere. His cigarette was nearly burnt to ashes, yet he only took one puff.
Michael began to slowly stand up. “Ezra, listen, I-“
“No! I don’t want to fucking listen to you!”
He pushed Michael back to the ground. The impact of Michael falling back down caused even a bigger storm of dust.
It seemed like a switch had been flipped in Ezra’s mind. He was pacing, tears silently streaming down his face.
“You fucking used me! Do you ever think that your actions affect others? No big deal, aye? Does this not seem like a big deal to you?”
The boy tried to hold back his tears, but it was impossible. All hell has broken loose now. There was no going back.
Michael tried to hug him, but Ezra was inconsolable. He continued to scream in the other boy’s face.
“You took something that was ours and completely fucking ruined it! Did it ever occur to you that I might be in love with you? That all this actually means something to me? That we mean something?”
Ezra’s voice began to crack from all the screaming and crying. He was weak. This was his lowest point. He tried to always be strong and pushed all the sadness away, but you can’t keep your feelings hidden in the bottom of your heart forever, can you? He helplessly fell to the ground, weeping loudly. Even more dust rushed up.
“Hey,” Michael wrapped his arms around the other boy. Ezra was too broken to resist. “It’s going to be okay,” he said in a quiet voice, hugging him tightly, in hopes, that it would finally make Ezra feel safe.
“Is it? You don’t care about us,” Ezra muttered, nearly suffocating, “and that’s all that ever mattered to me.”
“Yes I do”
“No, you don’t!” Ezra wept on, “If you cared you wouldn’t be doing this to me!”
“Doing what?”
“Rose!”
Michael let out a weak laugh. It was inappropriate, but was anything about this situation appropriate? Being stuck in a desert and fighting with your lover was probably one of the least appropriate things on this Earth.
“Rose doesn’t mean anything to me,” Michael said finally, “I don’t love her, I love you.”
He tried finding Ezra’s eyes with his own, but Ezra was too broken to look Michael in the face. He let out a desperate sigh. “Stop, don’t hurt me even more.”
He broke free from Michael's embrace and buried his face in his hands.
“If you love me so much, why did you fuck Rose?” his voice was slightly muffled.
Michael sighed. “I was scared. Of myself. Of my own feelings. I don’t know. But I’m so sorry.” He turned his head to look at Ezra.
“Please look at me,” he pleaded.
After a moment of deliberation, Ezra revealed his red eyes. You could still see the tear trails on his cheeks.
“Are you happy now?”
Michael smiled, “Yes.”
He moved closer to Ezra.
“I was scared that you’re going to leave-“
Ezra interrupted him: “How the hell would sleeping with Rose help me stay?” He asked angrily, desperately fighting the urge to punch Michael in his dumb face.
“I was scared that you’d leave me, so I made it happen sooner, than later,” Michael continued, looking away into the distance. There was nothing to look at, but at least he didn’t have to confront the gaze of the person he hurt.
“Shitty plan, but that’s how it is.”
They sat in silence for a couple moments.
“I’m so sorry Ezra,” His eyes filled up with tears, “I don’t expect you to forgive me, but if you could…”
Michael couldn’t finish the sentence and broke down. All the shame and the guilt was finally taking a toll on him. He hugged his legs and tried to hide his face in his hoodie.
Ezra didn’t expect the situation to go down like that. He did expect to cry, weep, and Michael to just…not do or say anything. Michael has never really shown emotion. He never really seemed to care about anything. But now Ezra thought, that maybe he wasn’t the only one locking his emotions away.
Ezra was still numb from his own breakdown, so he didn’t know how to console his lover. The only thing he thought to do was take Michael's trembling hand. Their fingers intertwined, Ezra slightly squeezing Michael’s hand. Michael lifted his head up, smiling weakly. Before either of them could say anything, they heard the rustling of an engine of an approaching car.