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Minato looked up from the scroll to stare at his teacher. “Sorry, what?” he said brightly, in the ‘I am saying sorry only to express the depth of my disbelief that could rapidly become scary if I don’t get answers.’
Jiraiya, reluctant fourth Hokage of Konoha, gave a totally-not-nervous laugh. He cleared his throat and laughed again, this time with forced cheer. “I have an undercover assignment for my favorite student and his lovely partners! Think of it as a honeymoon!”
“You want us to go undercover.”
“Yes.”
“You want me, Mikoto, and Kushina to go undercover.”
Jiraiya clearly knew why Minato was trying to burn a hole in his face with just his eyes, but Jiraiya seemed determined to pretend everything was all fine. “Yes.” He checked the clock on the wall and continued grinning. “Oh, look at the time! I need to meet with… someone! Have fun!”
Minato found himself duly escorted out, and as he stood outside the tower with a shell-shocked look on his face, two thoughts came to mind: I am going to kill Jiraiya, and how in the world am I going to explain this to them?
Mikoto, understandably, was a tad annoyed at having to uproot all her plans for the next month to go gallivanting across the nations for an undercover mission with a nebulous goal. Kushina, on the other hand, thought it was the funniest thing she’d heard in years.
“We get to come up with secret identities!” she cackled. “I can be a samurai, Mikoto can be the advisor, and you get to be the princess, Minato! We can be part of a torrid love triangle where we’re all in love with the wrong person!”
“No,” deadpanned both Minato and Mikoto.
“Just you wait. It’ll happen.” Kushina laughed quietly to herself. “Oh, it’ll happen.”
Though Mikoto and Minato were immediately on-guard and even less happy about going on the mission, they were still loyal ninja of Konoha. So, they packed up their bags and headed to their first stop: the Land of Hot Springs.
The first time they went with their cover story, it was all Kushina’s fault. Mikoto and Minato had carefully crafted identities for two merchant sisters and their bodyguard, visiting Hot Springs to brook a business deal and enjoy the sights.
Then, when the entry guard asked for their purpose in coming, Kushina blurted out, “This is my wife! We’re here on our honeymoon, and this is our samurai bodyguard, who’s here to ward off scary bandits and ninjas!”
The man barely looked up while Mikoto and Minato shot Kushina daggers. “Honeymoon, huh? When was your wedding?”
“... three months ago,” said Mikoto blankly.
“Congrats.” He stamped their visas and handed it over, pausing only to look at Minato, who still had a faint expression of shell-shock. “You’ll have an easy job, ain’t that right?”
“Yes!” Minato said quickly, smiling. “It’s one of the better gigs. Basically a vacation.”
“I’m sure.” The guard stamped Minato’s, writing a small note on his paper, and grunted. “You’re clear. Go ahead.”
Kushina skipped forward, leading the way as her two partners followed behind, both stunned with the turn of events.
They didn’t address Kushina’s actions until they were in their hotel room.
“Married?” said Mikoto. If she was less cultured, she’d throw her arms in the air.
Minato was less cultured, so he did it for her. “Really, Kushina? We had our cover story already picked!”
Kushina waved a dismissive hand. “My version is way better. Plus, it’d be super weird pretending to be siblings.”
Minato huffed. “What made you pick Mikoto as your spouse?” No one really cared about the genders of a couple unless they were obnoxiously conservative, but…
“Are you…” Kushina blinked, and even Mikoto turned to stare at him. “No way.” Kushina’s grin grew wider. “Minato, you’re not jealous, are you?”
“W-What?” Minato spluttered. “Of course not!”
Mikoto had a faint smile that could only mean mischief. “Perhaps next we can have you pretend to be my husband, and Kushina can be the bodyguard.”
“Only if I get to have torrid ‘affairs’ with both of you without the other knowing,” Kushina said immediately.
Minato was now as red as Kushina’s hair as both of his wives approached him, and Minato finally gave in and laughed with them.
The actual mission part wasn’t difficult at all. Minato tagged a document with his hirashin seal, teleported in with Mikoto after the paper had been filed, let her memorize the document, and teleported out. There, mission accomplished.
What Minato did not expect was the reaction of the villagers when he went to get some food afterwards.
“Oh, you poor soul,” said a brightly dressed stall-owner. She gave him an extra stick of dango he hadn’t paid for. “You poor, noble soul. Staying so stoically, defending with your life…”
Minato stared blankly at her. “Pardon?”
The woman gestured to his wives, both who were eating ramen at the stall directly next to them. Kushina was in the middle of a loud, long anecdote, which Minato could hear from here.
“... and then I punched… I had my bodyguard punch him!” she corrected at the last moment. “Isn’t that right, snookie sweetie doodle poo?”
Mikoto’s eye twitched at the endearment. “Yes… light of my life.” She glanced over her shoulder and exchanged a long-suffering look with Minato.
The storekeeper gasped. “I didn’t expect to see it in action!”
Minato slowly turned to look at the woman, who had gathered her friends to gossip in a huddle. “See what?”
She lowered her voice. “To see proof of the unfulfilled love between you and Mikari, that beautiful noble’s daughter who was forced to marry the uncouth merchant girl to pay off her father’s debts.”
Mikari. That was Mikoto’s fake name. Minato opened and closed his mouth. “I… see.” What in the world? “Alright,” he said, calm and cheerful before correcting his expression to show a hint of pain (that he actually did feel, for completely different reasons). “Thank you for the dango.”
With his brain buzzing with disbelief, Minato went to join the two women for lunch.
This time, Minato addressed it on the road to their next destination.
“Kushina, would you mind telling me why in the world half the village thought that I’m in 'unfulfilled love' with Mikoto?”
She gave him a surprised look. “Wait, you aren’t? I thought you loved our wife!” She gave a dramatic gasp. “How could you, Minato?”
Minato groaned. “I do love Mikoto. But it’s fulfilled. Very fulfilled.” He gave Mikoto a wink, and she laughed softly and shook her head. Before he could get any more distracted by those two lovely ladies, he cleared his throat and went back to looking stern. “We’re supposed to be undercover, Kushina! Forgettable! How are we supposed to be undetected if everyone’s buzzing about the three strangers who came in with a torrid love story?”
Kushina held up a finger, beyond pleased, and Minato had a sinking feeling in his gut. He knew that somehow, he’d fallen into a trap.
“You see, darlings, that’s intentional. I call it,” she paused dramatically, “the Jiraiya Effect! Let me explain.” Kushina twirled around, arms outspread as she began her tale. “Now, if you were a ninja in Konoha and you heard about the trio with Icha Icha style romance, would you think they’re spies? Especially if they were going around everywhere, flaunting their illicit romance?”
Minato sighed. “No,” he mumbled.
“Exactly! We’ll be so recognizable that no one would possibly think we’re suspicious!”
Mikoto slowly, oh so slowly, pressed her hand to her forehead in the world’s most elegant facepalm.
“Fine,” said Minato, giving in. “But make the story a little less ridiculous next time, alright? And I get to be married!”
Kushina gave another cat-like smile, and they were both very, very afraid for the second time.
They entered the Land of Rice next, and Kushina once again changed their cover story.
“I’m Kushinada, an ex-mercenary who was sworn to the service of the noble lady Mikahana,” she said dramatically. “With her is Minashi, her husband, a famed advisor to the daimyo of Hot Springs Country. They’re here on…” she lowered her voice, “sensitive political matters.”
Minato stared. This was not the cover story. That was not the cover story. The cover story was that Minato and Mikoto were married shopkeepers who’d come to the Land of Rice to see a famed shrine, and Kushina was an old friend who’d come along to visit family.
It wasn’t… that .
“Can we rely on your discretion?” Her voice was stern, and she gave the guard a hard look.
The guard seemed awestruck, both by Kushina and the story. “Understood, ma’am,” she said, nodding her head frantically. In the guard's defence, Kushina could cut an imposing figure, especially when her hair started to sway in nonexistent breeze. “You won’t hear anything from me.”
Minato did his best to look like a daimyo’s advisor while groaning internally. Mikoto, with greater success, was doing the same.
The mission this time was a little harder; they were supposed to go to a shrine, but this one was a secret Uzumaki hideout that only Kushina could access. After dodging some basic traps, they retrieved the scroll and ran out of there as it collapsed around them. Then, they returned to the village to replenish some supplies before they left for the last part of the mission.
“Let us be off, my dear,” said Mikoto softly, wrapping her arm around him as Minato suddenly blushed a deep red. He’d never doubted Mikoto’s love, but... hers was subdued in public. A quiet love, shown in glances and private smiles.
“O-O-Of course, my sw-sweetest,” he stammered. Mikoto’s grip around his arm grew tight enough to be painful, and he cleared his throat and tried again, trying to project the appearance of ‘important, put-together person.’ “We must soon be going. We are expected. Let us meet with our bodyguard.”
The villagers, who were clearly pretending not to listen, perked up at that. In fact, several of them tried to non-obviously follow them.
Kushina was sitting at a different ramen stand, talking animatedly to a small crowd. (“Not bad,” she’d said, sniffing. “Not Ichiraku, but they’re doing something really interesting with the noodles.”)
“—and he approached me one night and said, ‘Kushinada,’” she deepened her voice in an imitation, “‘Kushinada, I cannot live without you.’ And we made sweet, sweet love into the night. Though, my guilt!” Kushina pressed a hand to her forehead. “How could I confess to him that I felt the same… about his wife!”
They all gasped.
“That’s when I—” This time Kushina gasped, even louder. “No! My loves!”
The crowd turned, twittering at the stupefied Minato and Mikoto who were standing there. They waited, expectant, and Minato knew he had to fulfil those expectations. Somehow. (He was going to kill Kushina.)
“How… how could you?” he said, staring at Kushina. “T-To betray our love so publically?” It sounded like a question instead of a statement, and he winced.
“That,” Mikoto’s voice was pure, cold anger, “is something I must ask you , my love.”
Chills ran down Minato’s spine, and he had to remind himself that this was all an act. “Me? I am not to blame!” He pointed a finger at Kushina. “ She is the seductress!”
Mikoto turned her cold gaze at Kushina, who winced. “No, my love, you must believe me!” Kushina fell to her knees. “It was him! I would not have done it if he hadn’t insisted!”
And… Mikoto turned back to him.
“You must believe me! I would not betray our marriage unwillingly?” There he went again, with the unconvincing question.
The ramen lady shook her fist. “Lady, you gotta believe your guard! She loves you so much, truly! Your husband ,” she spat, “is the real scum!”
“Yeah!” said someone else in the crowd.
“It’s his fault!”
Minato wanted to crawl into a deep hole and never come out. He felt his face grow warm as Mikoto held back a smile and Kushina disguised her back-breaking laughter as sobs.
“We will discuss this after we leave the village,” Mikoto said, frigid as a snowy winter—if the snowy winter was desperately trying not to break character.
Head held high, she left the village, her spouses hurrying after her to the cheers and jeering of the village crowd.
Once they were out of earshot, Kushina and Mikoto burst out laughing. Minato rubbed his face, becoming more embarrassed by the minute.
“I wish I had a camera!” Kushina continued laughing. “I almost ruined it the second I saw you and Mikoto’s faces!”
“Minato can’t act at all.” Mikoto was giggling. Giggling .
He sighed, unable to help the smile. “Well, if I’m able to make my beautiful wives happy…” He gave them a wink. “Anything for you two.”
“We know, Minato.” Mikoto and Kushina pulled him close. “We know.”
The last stop was a town not too far from Konoha. They were supposed to keep an eye on the local lord and see if he was selling secrets to Suna. Minato was really looking forward to getting this over with so they could finally go home.
Kushina adjusted the sleeves to her kimono and smirked. “It’s our turn, Mina-bunny!”
Minato cringed. “Please don’t ever call me that again.”
“It’s better than what she called me,” deadpanned Mikoto. She was dressed in ninja clothing, for once, since her cover was the ninja protector of two very minor nobles.
The guards to this village town were half-asleep when they approached, and they barely straightened when they noticed the trio. “Papers?” drawled one.
“We don’t have any,” said Kushina, just as Minato was about to take out their forged papers.
Now, the guards were paying attention. “What?”
“Mikida’s a ninja princess!” Kushina declared. “She doesn’t need papers since she’s the direct representative of Konoha!”
Mikoto twitched.
“Well,” said the guard, dubious, “she does look like a ninja. But what about you two?”
“We’re her prisoners!” Kushina clutched Minato. “I’m a lady and this is my husband, and we’ve been falsely accused of treason!”
They really, really should’ve known better than to expect Kushina to go along with the cover.
“... yes,” Mikoto finally responded. “That is exactly what is happening. I must use this town’s resources to interrogate these wrong-doers.”
At the glare she shot the guards, they both quailed and let her in.
Turns out that the lord wasn’t selling secrets. He just had an awful taste in furniture, resulting in rooms full of Wind Country chairs. Minato exhaled, glad that the investigation was over… until he glanced over and saw Kushina sobbing to yet another noodle shop keeper.
“I’m so glad to be free,” sniffled Kushina. “Yet… was it worth the cost? Was it worth my husband selling his soul, selling his body to seduce that horrid ninja vixen?”
“Oh, child,” said the old man, sympathetic. “He loved you enough to do that for you.”
“I don’t think it was that much of a sacrifice,” muttered the man’s wife. “Have you seen that ninja princess?”
“And worse!” Kushina slurped her noodles and wiped fake tears. “I think… I think the ninja princess has fallen in love with him!”
“I’ve heard of that happening before.” The noodle-keeper gave a sage nod.
Minato slowly approached, catching the attention of all three.
“Remember your oaths!” the shopkeeper’s wife scolded. “You married her first!”
Well, actually, he’d married both of them, but… Minato gave her a solemn nod nonetheless.
Mikoto showed up right after, having gathered the evidence needed to prove the lord’s innocence. She also showed up to the glares of the entire street district. Confused, Mikoto glanced from Minato to the shopkeepers to… Kushina, and then realization dawned on her face.
“Homewrecker,” sneered one woman.
Minato could tell that Mikoto was trying very hard not to sigh, and he had to try very hard not to laugh.
They started on the short road to Konoha, and Mikoto and Minato passed the time by thinking of new ways to make Jiraiya's life hell.
“Burn all his books?” mused Minato.
“No.” Mikoto’s eyes gleamed, almost flickering red. “We burn the first drafts of his in progress ones.”
“Oh, don’t be too hard on the old man!” Kushina pulled them both close to her. “Thanks to him, I got to go on the best road trip ever!”