Work Text:
Just a few more. Just a few more and it’ll be done. Just a few--
Jin Guangyao trembles as he holds the bamboo brush steady, concentrating to make the strokes clean and true. He just manages to finish signing when another cough wracks his body painfully. His chest aches as he hacks into his sleeve, gritting his teeth to strangle down the rest of the fit. He had been like this for a week and at this point his abdomen and sides were tight with pain every time he even took a breath.
He looks down at the name in disgust.
Jin Guangshan. That’s what it read. That’s what they all read. The past two years of documents had all but been forgeries with how often Jin Guangyao had been tasked with reading and signing off on document after document. It seemed that the Sect Leader was always too busy to sign his own ordinances...
Why was it so hot today…
“Jin Guangyao.”
Jin Guangyao can hardly lift his head to focus on the person speaking with him. His robes felt too heavy on his frame, weighing him down and drenched with sweat. It was a personal servant of Jin Guangshan. He drops another pile of paperwork on top of the ones Jin Guangyao had just finished.
“Sect Leader is headed out today and would like you to finish the rest of these today as well.”
“Today?” Jin Guangyao rasps out.
The servant sniffs and takes a step back seeing Jin Guangyao pale and sickly. “Yes, isn’t that what I just said. It seems they were due tomorrow first thing. Finish them quickly.” He spits out before promptly turning around and walking away.
Another coughing fit rattles his body and Jin Guangyao looks around for the water pitcher. When was the last time he had eaten? He couldn’t remember the last time he had gone to fetch food. The kitchen was so far away and it wasn’t as though there was anyone to bring him things to eat.
It had been a bit since he had last gotten sick. Even if his cultivation level was low, after he had started to train his golden core, he had stopped being ill. Well, at least the frequency was a far cry from before… when he had barely survived off his meager savings.
But… but recently, with one major sect out of the way, all the sects were silently fighting to receive what they considered their share of land. Things had nearly gotten out of hand with the way Jin Guangshan had asked to swallow up entire shares from under the feet of other sects. After all, it was easy for him to do, since it was never his face showing up to the negotiation meetings. No. That fell on Jin Guangyao to do. To stand up in front of those cultivators and seriously ask for those enormous shares shamelessly…
Jin Guangyao tiredly tucks away that thought and drags the paper off the top of the pile. He reads the words off the paper but they seem to swirl and struggle to stay put. Or was he swaying?
And then the world stops spinning…
When Jin Guangyao had been young, he would often fall sick. Even still, he would work knowing that there was no time for vulnerabilities. Once, he had collapsed washing dishes in a nearby restaurant and when he had awoken, Meng Shi had been cradling him to his chest and carrying him home…
Soft warm arms… holding him close…
He had slowly awakened to the gentle thrum of a heartbeat and the scent of home…
Jin Guangyao feels that gentle swaying now. Arms firmly wrapped around him. A heartbeat and home…
“Mother…”
Lan Xichen freezes hearing Jin Guangyao grip his robes and quietly whimper out the word Mother.
Once a lifetime ago, Lan Xichen had also called out for his mother. But it had been quite some time since that had ever happened.
Still, Lan Xichen gently squeezes Jin Guangyao tighter to his chest as he carries him back to his quarters. He tries to quell the rage that was rising up just thinking about finding him in that pitiful state upon arriving at Koi Tower. In fact, when he had arrived at Koi Tower, none of the servants had even had the tact to look ashamed seeing Jin Guangyao slumped at his desk, clearly suffering from high fevers.
Even now Jin Guangyao feels too hot to the touch and Lan Xichen continues to pass him spiritual energy to help cool him down. Jin Guangyao’s golden core should have kept him healthy so for him to be this ill meant that he truly must have been pushed to the limit. In fact, Lan Xichen nearly never fell sick due to the strength of his golden core. The last time he had been weakened enough to be plagued by fevers was… when the Cloud Recesses had burned down.
Back then, it had been Meng Yao that had saved him, half dragged and half carried the injured cultivator back to his home.
Lan Xichen feels his grip tighten slightly and tries to maintain his composure. After all, what Jin Guangyao needed was not his anger, but compassion. Lan Xichen flicks a finger and the door to Jin Guangyao’s quarters slides open. He gently puts Jin Guangyao down on the sleeping mat and motions to quietly slide shut the doors.
He kneels by Jin Guangyao’s side and places the back of his hand against the other’s forehead, testing for temperature. Truth be told, Lan Xichen did not have much experience with this other than what he had learned from medics in passing. It was a rare occasion that he’d ever tend to a simple fever and not a spiritual wound.
Still…. watching Jin Guangyao a nearly grey pallor, covered in sweat and gasping for breath, chest heaving… it didn’t look very innocuous.
He takes Jin Guangyao’s wrist gently and places two fingers along the inside to send cool spiritual energy down the pulse line. After a few moments, Jin Guangyao seems to breathe a bit easier, his gasps quieting down. Lan Xichen smiles softly at that and puts a cool hand to his forehead again.
He looks over Jin Guangyao’s robes and notices they are nearly soaked with sweat. It couldn’t be good for him to have damp clothes while trying to recover from a fever. Lan Xichen stands and walks to the hallway, waving down a maid.
“Is it alright if you could draw a bath for Jin Guangyao?”
The maid cocks her head to the side. “A bath?”
Lan Xichen nods, slightly confused as her expression grows more nervous. “Yes?”
She doesn’t meet his eyes. “Sect Leader Lan. Jin Guangyao never has a bath in his room. He shares a common… bath with the rest… of the servants of course.”
Lan Xichen’s grip on the door tightens dangerously. “I see. Well is it possible to bring a wooden bath here?”
A flash of disgust distorts her features but she quickly composes herself, nodding in acknowledgement and scurrying away. Lan Xichen clenches his jaw seeing now how badly the conditions Jin Guangyao faced here. There was judgment just by Lan Xichen asking to draw a bath for a cultivator as esteemed Jin Guangyao. After all, this implied he would touch the sullied son of a prostitute. The Sunshot Campaign had only been half a year ago. Did people really forget who had helped them turn the tide of the war?
Ten minutes later, a lukewarm bath has been drawn. Lan Xichen had specifically asked for it not to be hot as to not make Jin Guangyao more uncomfortable. A cold bath would be too shocking for his system at this point so they would have to make do with a room temperature one.
Lan Xichen starts to unbuckle his belt and pull off his outer robes as to not get them wet. He neatly sets them aside but just as he turns around to pick up Jin Guangyao, there’s a crash and the sound of books falling over.
“Jin Guangyao?”
“Stay back!!” Jin Guangyao shouts, back pressed firmly against the corner of his room. His eyes dart around the room frantically as he shakes violently from the heat that was getting so so so hot.
He was trapped. He was trapped. He was trapped.
Jin Guangyao hazily looks down at his robes and finds them to covered in… blood.
Jin Guangyao whimpers, feeling blood… was it dripping down his back? He was slick with it and the smell was so overwhelmingly suffocating. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t move. Why was he so weak? And his body was wracked with agony all over, muscles screaming in pain and head pounding. He must have just been beaten. Again. No more… no more.
“Wen Ruohan, have mercy.” He gasps out, tears running down his face.
Lan Xichen becomes deathly still. Jin Guangyao was hallucinating. But not only was he hallucinating… but he was hallucinating that he was back with Wen Ruohan. His voice trembles as he tries to call out again, “Jin Guangyao.”
Jin Guangyao swallows hard and gasps out, “Yes, sir.”
“Jin Guangyao!” Lan Xichen shouts. It comes out with the panic and fear strangling his heart. No no no. He couldn’t. Lan Xichen could not go back there. He could not return to those nights waiting for Meng Yao’s letters to know he was still breathing. These memories. They had been locked away tightly to never resurface. They had never discussed the wounds the war had gouged into them because the gaping wounds were still so fresh. But now…
Would the world never leave them alone?
Jin Guangyao blinks rapidly and his breath starts to quicken.
Lan Xichen kneels before him and slowly reaches out. “A-Yao. A-Yao, please. Come back to me.” He looks at Jin Guangyao pleadingly but is only met with Meng Yao’s reflection. His desperation, his fear, his agony.
Jin Guangyao shakes his head rapidly and presses himself smaller into the corner. “No… don’t come closer please.”
Lan Xichen stops moving and waits, unsure how to proceed. But just then, Jin Guangyao wildly rushes forward in a clumsy attempt at escaping. The Lan cultivator grabs him and holds him close to his chest. Jin Guangyao thrashes with the last of his strength, wrestling and writhing in his grip. A choked out cry comes from his throat as he looks around wildly, trembling violently as another coughing fit wracks his body.
Lan Xichen quickly starts to pass healing spiritual energy with Jin Guangyao in his arms. He presses his lips to Jin Guangyao’s temple and whispers, “A-Yao. You’re safe. You’re home.” You’re with me. It is all the things Lan Xichen had never gotten a chance to say and soothe when Jin Guangyao had been locked away in the Wen Sect.
He never should have sent him. Lan Xichen still did not know all the horrors suffered underneath the cruel grip of Wen Ruohan but seeing Jin Guangyao like this, he could only imagine.
Jin Guangyao desperately tugs at Lan Xichen’s robes and sobs. Lan Xichen cannot hold him and play Liebing so instead he starts to softly hum the Sound of Lucidity, infusing his voice with spiritual energy. It was weak like this. But since they were so close to one another, it would have an effect. “A-Yao.”
After a few more minutes of weakened struggling, Jin Guangyao finally stills, resting against Lan Xichen’s chest.
“Er-ge?” He asks weakly, muffled slightly by the other’s clothes.
“Yes.” Lan Xichen answers softly.
“What happened?” Jin Guangyao murmurs hesitantly. “Why…” Why am I here? How are you here? How are you with me? Why am I not suffering alone?
Lan Xichen nearly hears them all in those two words. He can feel Jin Guangyao shudder from another coughing fit rattling his core. But more than that, the memories still grip at the fringes of Jin Guangyao’s sanity were sending shivers down his back. Lan Xichen squeezes him gently and Jin Guangyao manages to raise his head to look more closely. The shadows of fear still darken the Jin cultivator’s expressions and Lan Xichen feels breath become ragged as the hurt bleeds from Jin Guangyao’s heart and spills onto Lan Xichen’s. He continues to cradle Jin Guangyao and says, “I’m sorry I didn’t get here sooner.”
If he was apologizing for the past or the present… he did not know. Maybe it was both…
Jin Guangyao doesn’t reply. He simply closes his eyes and dares to rest his head against Lan Xichen’s shoulder, doing his best to gulp in the scent of home… and safety. His body spasms with more weak coughing.
“Come. I drew you a bath.” Lan Xichen reaches for Jin Guangyao’s robe ribbons.
Let us wash off our sins and blood and rest...
Jin Guangyao’s grip is surprisingly strong as he grabs Lan Xichen’s wrist to stop him. “You can’t. You mustn’t. I’ll wash myself… wait outside, Er-ge.”
Lan Xichen looks at him unwaveringly. “I left you for but a few moments without passing you spiritual energy and you hallucinated you were back with Wen Ruohan.” Jin Guangyao violently flinches at hearing that name but Lan Xichen continues. “You are too weak. Accept my help.” It comes nearly as a demand, not a request.
Jin Guangyao knows what Lan Xichen says is the truth. But even still… there was no way he could show…
He opens his mouth to protest again but seeing Lan Xichen’s sincerity… he stops. His hand falls away but he whispers, “Xichen.”
“I am not afraid.”
Jin Guangyao knows that he means he is not afraid of touching the son of a prostitute. Truth be told, as nervous as Jin Guangyao is about even that, this is not why he stopped Lan Xichen in the first place. He had planned on hiding this secret forever. The secret that was now torturously engraved onto his body. Jin Guangyao closes his eyes as the layers fall away and hears Lan Xichen’s breath hitch when he finds it.
Many of the wounds Jin Guangyao had accumulated over the years, he had been able to heal away with his cultivation. Many. But not all. And especially not the wound made by another spiritual item.
Lan Xichen’s fingers hover over the mark. He swallows thickly.
Jin Guangyao looks up at him and nods softly.
Lan Xichen’s fingers tremble as his fingertips slowly touch down one by one onto Jin Guangyao’s skin. They hesitate feeling the scarred bumps and ridges against the cultivator’s chest. Lan Xichen’s face contorts with grief as he presses softly against the wound.
Emblazoned. Clear as day.
A Wen Sect brand mark.
A tear falls onto Jin Guangyao’s chest. Lan Xichen continues to stare at the mark in horror as tears fall from his eyes. Jin Guangyao gently reaches up and touches his face, brushing away some of the tears. “Lan Xichen, a face like yours was never meant to cry. Don’t cry for me. Those days are behind us.”
Lan Xichen shakes his head and quivers, holding back his cries.
Seeing him so sad, Jin Guangyao can’t help it when he reaches up with both hands and gently pulls him down. He kisses him soft and slow, trying to kiss away all the grief and apologies. Kissing Lan Xichen feels like healing balm over his soul, a gentle soothing wave washing over his heart as he captures those apologies again and again. It restores some of the broken pieces inside of him and he sighs softly, delicately tasting Lan Xichen’s lips.
After a few moments, Jin Guangyao pulls away and then searches Lan Xichen’s eyes, ready to face rejection and disgust.
But instead, Lan Xichen slowly leans back down, lips hesitating mere centimeters away until Jin Guangyao closes the distance between them once more.
They had wasted enough time on regrets. There wasn’t enough time. There wasn’t enough time. It felt like even if they loved til the falling of the world, it wouldn’t have been enough to make up what time was lost between them.
Moments later, Jin Guangyao is gently lowered into the bath. He purposefully faces away from Lan Xichen so that he does not have to look at the Wen brand any longer. He crosses his arms, resting them along the edge of the wooden tub and rests his head against them. Lan Xichen dips the wash cloth into the water and just barely grazes Jin Guangyao’s back, his breath stuttering for another reason altogether watching the other shiver slightly.
Lan Xichen slowly drags the washcloth up and down Jin Guangyao’s back, wiping away the sweat and blood of then and now with each stroke. He wants badly to ask if there were any scars here before, but he knows it is not a question he should know the answer to.
And so the two of them sit in silence, feeling the regrets of a lifetime wash away slowly in sync with the edges of the fever. Both fading like water drops disappearing once hitting the pool of time.
“Er-ge? Do you not think I can do my job properly?” Jin Guangyao teases, seeing Lan Xichen once again at the Koi Tower. “I did just get elected Chief Cultivator you know.”
Lan Xichen smiles brightly and responds, “I am well aware of your capabilities, A-Yao. It’s because I know you are too capable that I always come like this.”
Jin Guangyao sighs knowing there is no point in fighting it. Ever since that fever incident, Lan Xichen had faithfully come to Koi Tower for years, checking up frequently on Jin Guangyao. Well… these days it wasn’t just to make sure that the Jin cultivator was healthy .
“Come.” Jin Guangyao says, offering out a hand.
Lan Xichen accepts gratefully and follows him.
Lan Xichen had made the mistake of letting Jin Guangyao brave his nightmares alone one too many times. And he had no intention of letting it happen again. Whatever the nightmares that plagued Jin Guangyao’s dreams, he would be there. When Jin Guangyao crossed the edge and Meng Yao was the one hovering just beneath the surface, Lan Xichen would offer his compassion and protection as he held onto Jin Guangyao. Never again, to let go.