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J.J. noticed it instantly.
It didn’t take a profiler to notice the change in Reid’s posture, the trembling that began in his fingers and crawled down to every gangly limb.
The second the doors of the compound had locked shut, Reid had frantically run around the room, banging on the doors, trying to find an exit. To be fair, J.J. had done the same thing, but it appeared to be affecting Reid worse. His breathing had picked up and J.J. noticed his eyes searching every corner, almost similar to a cornered animal. His eyes had widened and she could see the gears in his brain churning furiously.
“What do we do?” Jennifer asked, running a hand through her hair. She had never had a problem with small spaces…until it was in a bunker hoarded with missing women and who knows what type of weapons. The alarm blaring in the background certainly wasn’t helping.
“The doors are airtight and the glass is bomb-blast resistant. Our bullets would just blast off,” Reid said, his words moving faster than his hands.
“Well, uh, Garcia told everyone we were heading down here so…” J.J. felt her sentence die in her throat. Now she knew why Reid was so nervous.
“Wait, did you say airtight? Are we gonna run out of air?”
“No, high carbon dioxide levels are gonna kill us before low oxygen levels do,” Reid rattled off, pacing back to the corner of with the keypad. He had already circled it three times. “On a zero to nine keypad, assuming a four digit code, there are 10,000 possible combinations. If you figure 5 seconds to input each combination that’ll take 13.89 hours and that’s not even accounting for finger fatigue.”
J.J. wanted to snap back about his statistics not helping, but she figured it was his way of analyzing an escape route. They were both clearly a little tense, but Reid was beginning to spiral.
When Allie and Paige appeared with the wife, who they were now holding hostage, J.J. could barely get a few words out before Reid interjected.
“We want to help you, but you have to get us out of here. What is the code?”
Irene, despite having a knife against her neck, simply smirked. “I can’t help you.”
“Coleman!” Reid shouted, directing his attention towards the other glass panel where the leader appeared. “Coleman, you need to let everyone go!”
The large pale man was just as smug as his wife. He was surrounded by Chrissie, and other missing women. They were all dressed in white, and flocking to the man like he was their savior. He sneered.
“Are you gonna make me? What, from in there?”
Reid stiffened.
Jennifer pleaded with Chrissy. “Look, is that your son? I know Joanna would really love to meet her nephew. Your families haven’t forgotten about you. There is more to this world than ‘down here.’”
It all unraveled after that.
Irene all but sputtered the code as the women converged on Coleman, with Chrissy smacking him across the face with a flashlight. The second the code was given, Reid pressed the numbers into the keypad with such urgency that the female agent was shocked he got them correct. When the compound door opened Jennifer heard Spencer’s sharp intake of breath. He left her to the women, and he rounded the corner with his gun up, looking for more threats.
As Jennifer was untying Irene, she glanced over to Spencer, who was leaning against the wall, his gun only half drawn. His chest was rising and falling vividly under his bullet-proof vest, his shoulders slumped. She would deal with that later, too overcome with the women who were crowded around Coleman, bloodied in a heap on the floor.
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The rest of the case went by with a sort of blur. There were tear-jerking family reunions, talking to local police, and filling out general paper work.
As soon as Jennifer was done talking to the Virginia Police Chief, she looked around to find Reid to confront him about his earlier behavior. He wasn’t anywhere to be seen. A stab of panic caused her breath to hitch as she walked around the multiple cars, searching for the genius. He must be talking to another agent, or probably doing a magic trick to cheer up a child. She shouldn’t be worried…should she?
The sound of retching was unmistakable.
Reid was crouched behind one of the SUVs, emptying the little contents of his stomach onto the dry dirt below. All J.J. had seen him consume was four cups of coffee with enough sugar to rot his teeth. His entire frame was shaking, and his breath was coming out in ragged gasps.
“Reid?”
J.J. didn’t receive a response except for Spencer slowly letting himself onto the ground while panting. He wiped his mouth with the side of his hand, which was still shaking. His head was leaning back against the tire of the SUV, exposing his neck that was strained and far too hollow. He was muttering something to himself and his hair was plastered to his forehead with sweat. His eyes were red-rimmed, probably from emptying his stomach. J.J. had only seen Reid throw up once, and it was during his detox. He often preached that he could “will” himself not be sick, but Jennifer had a sneaking suspicion he was just too averse to germs to allow himself to be subjected to throwing up.
“Spence, are you okay?” J.J. asked, looking around and sitting herself down beside him. She reached her hand up to place on his shoulder, but he shirked away. His entire body became tense.
“You can’t do that the guards will take you away,” Spence muttered breathlessly. “No touching allowed.”
J.J. froze. “Hey Spence, what’s going on?”
Spencer brought his knees up slightly, placing his head on them. “It’s too small in here. Too small too tight too hot I can’t breathe. Get me out of here, please.”
This was a polar opposite of the man merely twenty minutes ago who was calculating molecules in a cell and possible code combinations and finger fatigue of all things.
J.J. looked around, making sure they were alone. “Okay, let’s get out of here, come on.” She stood up.
Reid reached out to grab J.J.’s arm, before pulling his hand back cautiously. “I can’t…you can’t just take me. My case hasn’t been cleared yet. Don’t do anything they’ll make me stay here longer and I can’t stay here longer I don’t think I can make it.” He was barely taking a breath in between words and a dawn of realization hit J.J. He still…
He thought he was still in prison.
The doors in the compound must have reminded him of being locked in a cell. The muted paint, sirens, and steel walls were enough to make anyone panic. But someone who had just spend months in prison fearing for their life? It was all too similar. She looked back at Reid.
His eyes were pleading, something Jennifer had only seen a few times. They were only amplified by the dark bags under his eyes, which hadn’t left since he had left prison. They were almost as dark as the bruises he had after the attack, and she felt a part of her heart break.
“Okay, okay,” J.J. said, sitting back down on her knees in front of him. “What can I do?”
“I don’t know,” Reid whispered. He rubbed his hand over his right eye repeatedly, and J.J. noticed his breathing hadn’t become more regular. He was still shaking, and his lanky knees were pressing into his chest with what looked like painful intensity. He continued muttering, his voice rising in intensity.
“I can’t breathe and everything is too hot and too small and I know it’s all in my head but goddamnnit everything is in my head it won’t stop spinning and the guards won’t do anything about it and they’re gonna kill him, J.J.”
His hands were pressing into the back of his neck, nails scraping at the nape with furious strength.
“Spence, listen. Listen to me. Everything is okay. You’re not there anymore; you’re safe. Let’s get this vest off of you and focus on your breathing, okay? We brought you home. You saved six kids. And we need to get this vest off of you so you can go see Henry—he misses his you,” J.J. spoke, grabbing Reid’s hands and tightly gripping them in her own. His large hands were shaking with cold sweat. The female agent waited for a moment until she knew it was okay, and placed them on the dirt below them.
J.J. gently placed her hands on his trembling shoulders, and brought her fingers down to the Velcro straps of the uniform vest. She cautiously removed them and continued to remove the straps around his midsection.
“Reid, can you lift up your arms?” The agent nodded, taking a sharp intake of breath as the damp vest was removed, catching slightly over his sharp elbows. His panting started to slow and his fingers were raking through the dirt below them. J.J. held back a smile considering the circumstances—Reid wasn’t one to throw his germophobic tendencies to the wind, so either prison had really changed him or he was too frazzled to notice.
Once his breathing had reached a normal pace, J.J. gently grasped his hands. “Spence, come on. Trust me.” She helped the shaky agent up as he grabbed his vest from the ground. He ran a hand through his disheveled hair, and followed her.
The scene they arrived on was the same one they had left. Agents were still talking to local police, and ambulances were checking out children that had been rescued from the compound. Despite all the sirens that were lighting up the scene, the scenery was beautiful. The compound had been located underground a bare field—the sun was just beginning to set and was reflecting off the grains gently floating in the breeze.
J.J. led Reid to the hood of one of the SUV’s, her hands guiding his shoulders to lean gently on it. “Spence, look around. You’re free. You’re out and everything is just the way you left it. You saved those kids, Spencer. I know being locked in there wasn’t easy, but you kept it together and now we have women and children that can return to the life they once knew.”
“But they won’t,” Reid whispered. He cleared his throat and averted his gaze. “It’s never the same. I was only in there for three months and they were here for years. They will never be able to go back to their ordinary life.”
“They will,” Jennifer quickly affirmed. “And you will too. I meant what I said back there. Just as there is more to the world that ‘down here’ for those women, there’s more to your life than prison.It will take time. But your mind is holding you hostage, Spence.”
“When doesn’t it?” Spencer questioned, a slight grimace gracing his features.
“Spencer, you are the strongest person I know. You will get through this.”
Spencer didn’t say anything, put rather reached into his pocket. He pulled out his official FBI badge, and fiddled with one of the back pockets until he pulled out a slip of folded paper. J.J. looked at him quizzically as he began to unfold it.
It was the picture Henry had drawn for him while he was in prison. Spencer smiled, his eyes still red and starting to tear up again.
“This…uh, this picture was all I could think of. In there, I mean. Having an eidetic memory does have some benefits; the image was burned into my mind and every time I looked at that blank cramped cell, I projected the image onto the wall,” Spencer muttered, his voice becoming weaker and weaker. He looked at J.J., his face finally revealing the fatigue he had been trying so hard to hide.
“I didn’t think I was going to make it out, J.J. But revisiting this picture…it helped everything feel less small. For a little bit.”
Spencer took a deep breath, diverting his gaze. Jennifer noticed he was fiddling with the corner of the drawing. He pursed his lips multiple times, as if he wasn’t sure whether or not to speak again.
“Spence, what is it? You can tell me,” J.J. coaxed gently.
“J.J, I…I can’t sleep anymore. I keep feeling like I’m suffocating and I know it’s normal but I can’t help but feel like it’s never going to go away. I’m scared, J.J. I’m not the same person I was. I poisoned those prisoners because I was angry. I wanted them to suffer. I wanted Cat to suffer. I want them all to feel the way I felt. And that scares me more than everything.”
The female agent was lost for words. Rather, she just enveloped Reid in a hug. He normally was averse to physical touch, but he seemed to routinely make an exception for her.
He initially stiffened, but slowly began to relax into J.J.’s touch. Soon he melted into her, his head resting between her neck and shoulder. J.J. felt her chest ache as she felt a wetness seep into her shirt, his hot breath panting against her shoulder. His hands were gripping her shirt, his arms nearly long enough to double around her.
“Spence, it’s okay. You’re never going back there. You aren’t a bad person. It’s understandable that you are angry. But you can’t keep holding back. The team understands; you have to know we’re all here for you. Bottling it up is only gonna make it worse. Henry needs his godfather in tip top shape. That means more food and sleep and less diabetic-inducing coffee.” J.J. murmured into his shoulder.
J.J. felt him nod into her shoulder, a small chuckle escaping. He slowly pulled away, running a hand over his face. “Thank you.”
“Now, let’s go show these kids some magic from the outside, huh?”
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The close of the case went smoothly. The team went out to dinner later, and J.J. had to force herself not to keep her eyes trained on Spencer the whole time.
She couldn’t help but notice him pushing his food around his plate, barely eating any. For now, she would let it slide. He continued to smile throughout dinner, but his eyelids were beginning to droop. Maybe, just maybe, he would be able to sleep tonight.
“If the world ever ends, I will definitely be spending my last night eating pasta that doesn’t come from a box,” Rossi chuckled, letting the pasta from his fork fall back onto his plate. “However, I will say they got the scotch just right.”
The group laughed, continuing to eat.
“Statistically, flour will be one of the last things to run out should the world end, so I think you’ll be covered there,” Spencer added, smirking slightly. “And scotch lasts quite some time, as I’m sure your cellar will tell you.”
“Hey kid, I’m not that old!”
Once dinner had finished, all smiles and drinks and dimmed lights, they got ready to get back onto the jet for the long flight home.
J.J. noticed Spencer hesitated before stepping onto the jet’s stairs, although his feet were dragging from sleep deprivation.
“Everything okay, Spence?”
“Uh, yeah, yeah,” he said offhandedly. “I just…it’s a little small.” He chuckled. “It’s never bothered me before, but now I can’t seem to stand the thought. It wasn’t too long ago I had to be handcuffed before stepping on the plane.”
“I’ll be there the whole time,” J.J. confirmed. Spencer held eye contact with her for a few seconds before climbing the stairs.
Everyone had already taken their seats on the plane, and J.J. silently thanked that the bench had been left open save Spencer, who had a book already out and multiple pages read. Despite the progress made, his eyes were still continuing to droop before his head shot back up.
Once everyone was situated, most of the agents asleep from a large meal and a few glasses of wine, J.J. focused her attention on Spencer. His knuckles were white from gripping his book so hard, and a page hadn’t been flipped in two minutes. His brows were furrowed in what initially seemed to be concentration, but J.J. knew better. She got up from her seat and sat next to him. He moved his long legs, adjusting his gaze towards her.
“I know you’ve already read that book four times over, if not more,” J.J. said, a chuckle gracing her voice. “Maybe sleep would be a better use of your time.”
“You know I can’t,” Spencer replied. “I’ll wake up and not know where I am. All I’ll see is the small walls and suddenly I’ll be thrown back into that cell.”
“I have melatonin in my bag,” J.J. offered. “It helped me sleep after Afghanistan. It doesn’t fix the problem, but it helps. You’ve gotta keep that brain shiny and oil—”
“No,” Spencer interrupted. “Don’t misunderstand me, I appreciate the offer. But I can’t. After Tobias…” he trailed off.
“I understand, Spence,” J.J. responded. “I’m proud of you."
That seemed to draw a smile--a real, genuine, shining Spencer Reid smile from the tired agent.
“Is there anything else I can do?”
Spencer hesitated, seemingly chewing his words over in his head before speaking. That was certainly a first for the man.
“Just…just be here? With me?”
“Of course,” Jennifer said. She wasn’t going to wait for him to elaborate—she gently scooted next to him, placing her head on his shoulder. He seemed shocked by the movement, but didn’t protest. His slightly longer hair ticked against her forehead. She didn’t care if the others saw them. Spencer was her best friend.
After a few minutes, she felt his hand slightly twitch. His eyelids fluttered softly and a small grunt escaped his throat.
J.J. was about to wake him up when Spencer’s pinky gently wrapped around her own. For now, that was enough.