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Chanyeol braces himself and looks into the mirror.
The reflection staring back at him isn’t any different. He doesn’t look different, definitely feels different. The lack of pants might be the reason for it, along with the cotton panties he’s wearing. The oversized t-shirt, which crosses Junhee’s knees by at least three inches, is stopping at mid-thigh. He feels nice, though. Pliant and soft, a little shy too.
“I look nice,” Chanyeol tells Junhee, across the bathroom door, smiling. “I feel nice.”
There’s a little shuffling from the other side of the door, a hand presses against the blurred glass door. “Feeling nice is good,” she replies. “Will you come out, Yeollie?”
He hums in reply. He takes another glance at himself, fixing the shoulder lines of the t-shirt, unrolls the front of the panties. He opens the door and carefully steps out of the bathroom, taking a big step will push the t-shirt further up, and big steps aren’t that lady-like. He waits for Junhee to take a look at him.
She’s smiling as she unabashedly checks him out, then walks closer to him, wrapping her small arms around Chanyeol’s waist. She rests chin on Chanyeol’s chest, her smile turned into a smug one. “You look cute,” she says, pulls him a little closer. “If we go out like this, half of the South Korean population will ask for your number.”
Chanyeol blushes, pushes Junhee away with a scoff. “You’re just being a flirt.”
“I am,” she admits, but she puts her arms back onto Chanyeol’s waist. Her short leg between Chanyeol’s long ones. A big shit-eating grin on her face. “But trust me when I say this: they haven’t seen such a pretty lady anywhere.”
Chanyeol feels his chest become warm. He’s blushing, sure, but he’s more grateful for Junhee’s existence right now. “Thank you, Junhee.”
Her one hand cups his cheeks, her grin is replaced by a pout. “You’re welcome, babe. Let’s go, it’s movie time~”
Junhee detaches from his waist and tugs at his hand. They move to the living room while holding hands, don’t let them go until they’re settled in front of the couch, on the carpet, back resting against the couch. Their dinner is served on the coffee table, it’s lukewarm but Chanyeol doesn’t mind. He’s content eating his dinner, pretending his oversized t-shirt is his dress, remembering Junhee call him pretty lady.
The movie is really nice, but once it ends, he lets out a heavy sigh — already tired. Movies can be extremely exhausting, especially when he kept thinking about other things while watching. He looks at Junhee, only to find her already asleep, curled up against the couch. He chuckles, gently shakes her, whispering. “Junhee, let’s get you to bed.”
“Carry me.” She says. Because of course she wants to be carried. Chanyeol chuckles. He slides his arms underneath Junhee’s knees, behind Junhee’s back. He stands up, knees bent, and carefully picks up Junhee from her place. She hums. “Mhm, strong.”
She snuggles comfortably against Chanyeol’s chest. He grunts a little. She looks (is) small, but she’s hard to carry.
“Don’t worry, Yeollie,” she mutters. “I’ll carry you too. I’m strong.”
“Really?” He chuckles.
Junhee peaks one of her eyes open. “Yes, Yeollie. I’m strong. I can carry my tall girlfriend.”
He suppresses a squeal.
***
The topic of changing pronouns doesn’t come up until the third therapy session. His therapist checks on him as usual, talks about what’s holding him back to ask for a rise at his work, and how that’s a result of the bad parenting he experienced. Half of his ‘faults’ are bad parenting, Chanyeol discovers. He doesn’t blame anyone for it, really, people had their own shit to deal with that time. He just wishes he wasn’t so harsh on himself in the past. He could’ve been kinder and dealt with bad situations without self-sabotaging.
Once he gives the weird-looking drawing back, writing what he thinks of it as the corner of it, he relaxes on the couch. He keeps his hands together, resting on his thighs, waiting.
“Chanyeol,” His therapist looks at the clipboard, then back at him. “How was last week? How was dressing different than usual?”
“It felt nice,” he says, trying to think of words to describe how it felt. “I was anxious in the beginning, so Junhee suggested an oversized t-shirt instead. It didn’t feel like an actual dress, but similar,” he fidgets with his fingers. “A-and she called me her girlfriend . I felt really nice.”
His therapist smiles wide, nods, and writes down on his clipboard. “You’re doing such a great job describing,” he scribles some more. “And kudos to you and Junhee for making it feel nice. I’m glad to hear that.”
Chanyeol nods, beams at his therapist.
“If you liked being referred to as Junhee’s girlfriend,” his therapist pauses in his words, gauging Chanyeol’s reaction. Chanyeol can only blush a little. “What I’m saying right now is just a suggestion: You could try a different pronoun.”
“I have thought about it, actually,” Chanyeol sighs. He’s spent nearly four months researching about gender stuff. “I lean more towards ‘they’ and ‘she’ pronouns, but I think I prefer ‘they’ and ‘them’ more?”
His therapist nods. “That’s good, that you know what you’d like. Even if you’re unsure, asking your friends to refer you with a different pronoun shouldn’t feel like a burden. You mentioned you have a handful of transgender and genderqueer friends?”
He nods.
“I’m sure they’ll understand, and help as well.” His therapist smiles kindly. “I’m sure your girlfriend wouldn’t mind, either. We could start with me, if you wanted to.”
Chanyeol considers it for a good moment, staring at the glass of water in front of him. He ignores the thoughts which say it’s a burden for his therapist to change his pronoun, and focuses on deciding if ‘she’ feels better or ‘they’.
“Um, okay,” he nods. “Please.”
His therapist nods. “I’ll introduce you to a theoretical person. Hello, this is Park Chanyeol, they’re a computer engineer, their pronouns are they/them.”
Chanyeol can’t help but giggle.
***
Getting used to the new pronoun turns out to be easier than they expected. Their friends slip up sometimes, but they brush it off, knowing their friends will correct it in the future. It feels amazing to hear someone use ‘them’ to refer them, casually say “oh they’ll like that!” and use their proper pronouns so easily.
However, they’re aware that it’s not going to be always. Especially with people who don’t know about it, that they don’t use he/him anymore. They haven’t told their office colleagues about their pronouns, they still you he/him. And they spend minimum of 5 hours in the office. They hunch over their laptop, trying to avoid the conversation happening behind them.
“Chanyeol?”
They whimper silently, turn around with a tired smile. “Yeah?”
“Did you get the party invitation?” Gowoon asks, grinning. “It’s gonna be a blast, you should come.”
Before Chanyeol can open their mouth, Eunji, standing next to Gowoon, clicks her tongue loudly, rolling her eyes. “He’s not a party animal like you, Gowoon,” she chuckles. “I’m pretty sure I know his answer.”
She’s joking, even if it sounds extremely rude. Chanyeol licks their lips, chuckling humourlessly. Their colleagues don’t notice it, returning to their work after saying ‘in a minute’. Chanyeol decides to text Junhee about this, because it’s more upsetting than they expected. Junhee replies quickly.
[junhee] how dare they!!!! that’s my girlfriend!!!! I’M GONNA FIGHT THEM!!!!
Chanyeol chuckles. Chest feeling less heavy from Junhee’s reply. Her presence is really comforting.
[yeollie] it’s okie /.\ i’m fine now!
[junhee] i’m gonna give you something else to think about: an almost-dress
[yeollie] ??
Junhee sends a picture of a maroon overall skirt with yellow sunflowers here and there.
[junhee] it’s 75% cotton!!! it’s length is adjustable, the lower part is wide. we get to return it within a month~
They try the overall skirt at night. They move around the house in it, doing some leftover chores from yesterday, trying to be more comfortable in it.
“It’s great,” Chanyeol whispers while both of them are changing their clothes for bed. Junhee grins. “Thank you, Junhee.”
She nods. “My pleasure, babe.”
“I wanna wear it tomorrow, when we go to Jongin’s house.”
Junhee and Chanyeol slide under the blankets, cuddling up against each other. Laying side by side, arms around each other, foreheads slightly touching. Chanyeol feels warm everywhere like this. They jokingly butt-head Junhee, then giggle.
Junhee winces, but her expression quickly changes, like she changed her mind last second. “Yeollie,” she mutters. “Can I paint your nails for tomorrow?” She takes a deep breath, looking right into Chanyeol’s eyes. She seems worried. “And I have a question. I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t know how else to put it?”
Chanyeol pecks her lips. “Go ahead, baby.”
Junhee hesitates more. Chanyeol wriggles around a little bit, then holds Junhee closer, bending their knees to rest their legs on top of Junhee’s, pulling her head closer to their’s and rests their lips on Junhee’s forehead, muttering. “It’ll be fine. I won’t be offended by it. We’re both new to this.”
“What about your, um, genitals?”
Chanyeol cringes, physicalling tensing for a good second before they shrug. They look at Junhee. “I… haven’t thought about it.”
Junhee’s lower lip quivers, eyes welling up with tears. Chanyeol pushes Junhee’s head near their shoulder, whispering, “hey, no, it’s okay. I’m not offended, baby, promise.”
“I-I’m sorry,” Junhee sobs. “I know it’s hard enough for you, and I’m asking those kinds of questions, I really didn’t—”
“Shh,” Chanyeol coos, patting Junhee’s head. “It’s okay, it’s okay. I understand.” They sigh a little, waiting for Junhee to calm down. “I honestly haven’t thought about it,” they admit, smiling a little. “It’s the last thing I’m bothered about. I really don’t care what I have down there.”
She nods, still sniffling. “Okay.”
***
The overall skirt is so comfortable, they can even sit with their legs crossed on the couch, while one of their hands is being painted, another hand holding the nail polish bottle.
Junhee is sitting on the couch’s armrest, legs on Chanyeol’s crossed ones, holding their finger gently to apply the second coat maroon polish. Chanyeol stares at their painted fingers with fascination. The polish makes their fingers look good with the skirt, and the plain white t-shirt they’re wearing with it. And hoping that maybe, just maybe, Junhee will do some kind of nail art.
“You look really nice,” Junhee says after she’s done with Chanyeol’s one hand. She transfers the polish bottle to the freshly painted hand. “Don’t touch anything with this. Give me your other hand.”
Chanyeol holds the bottle, and rests their hand on Junhee’s thigh. She’s wearing a matching maroon crop top, high waisted acid-wash jeans shorts with it. She looks cute, as always. ‘Thank you,” they mutter, staring at the nails. It matches Junhee’s crop top, too. “We should shop for clothes together, next time.”
“We should,” Junhee’s tongue pokes out of her mouth, resting on her bottom lip. Her eyebrows are furrowed in concentration.
Chanyeol leans forward, pulling away from Junhee’s grip to hold her hand, pulling her down. She makes an annoyed noise before she closes her eyes, leaning in. It’s just a peck on her mouth, for being extremely cute and also for being so accepting of every change they’ve been making. “Thanks for being so accepting.”
“No, why would you say that,” Junhee opens her eyes, then pouts. “Thank you for trusting me with it,” her pout turns into a frown. “I’ve read scary stories while we were researching. The last thing I want is to make you feel unsafe or bad, somehow.”
Chanyeol sighs. “Yes, but you could’ve walked away from me,” they press another kiss on Junhee’s mouth. “You could just leave and never come back.”
“I wouldn’t do that!”
“I know,” They chuckle. “You’re not—”
“I love you, Yeollie, I would never do that.” Junhee starts sobbing. Looking at her sob and try to glare at them makes Chanyeol realize it isn’t about what they said. She’s stressing over something entirely different.
“I love you too, Junhee-yah.”They carefully close the polish bottle and put it away on the coffee table, slowly coax Junhee onto their lap, hugging her, letting her cry it out. Junhee doesn’t stressed over things easily, it must be a big deal to her, if it’s stressing her so much to make her cry. And even though she doesn’t get stressed easily, she sucks at handling it most of the time. They pat her back as she cries it out, talking something about songs and how it feels. She’s incoherent but they continue telling her that it’s okay, that it’ll be fine.
They can’t help but think of how it was them in Junhee’s lap seven months ago. Crying about how it hurts for reasons they don’t understand. It’s only been five weeks since they’ve started going to therapy, and the gender breakdown happened nearly seven months ago. Seven months of trying to understand why some days were the worst (depression and gender dysphoria, they’re told later, some days mixed with a dash of anxiety and parent issues).
Once Junhee’s crying is reduced to occasional sniffling, she chuckles. “It feels so dumb now.”
“Hey, it isn’t dumb,” They make her look at them, wiping the drying cheeks. “If it’s worrying you so much, it must be important.”
“I-I came out to my parents a couple of weeks ago,” she mutters. “And they said that I’m with a man so I must be straight, and to not to joke about such things ever again.”
The prick in their chest is ignorable right now. Junhee needs comfort right now. They rub Junhee’s arm gently, nodding. “That’s okay. They’re old, they wouldn’t understand.”
“But I want them to understand, Yeollie,” She argues, then groans, clenches her fist. “My 95 year old grandma is more accepting than them! Mom doesn’t have any problem with taking yoga classes from an openly gay instructor! So why am I a big deal? So what , if I don’t care about what my partner’s gender—” She takes a deep breath in. “And that thought makes me question if I’m actually bi. Maybe I’m pansexual? Because I don’t care about it? So have I been faking—”
“Junhee,” Chanyeol calls, “You’re spiralling in your thoughts, baby.”
“It’s just a lot.” She mutters.
They nod. “I understand.”
There’s silence in the room. Chanyeol watches Junhee closer her eyes and take deep breaths, collecting herself so she doesn’t have another crying fit. After a couple of minutes, Junhee sighs heavily. “I’m better now. Thanks.”
“It’s okay.” They smile. “I can give you something else to think about.”
Junhee grins. “I’m listening.”
“I look amazing in an overall skirt.”
Junhee laughs loudly, throwing her head back, fingers interlocking against Chanyeol’s nape. “Yeah. Now I can steal my girlfriend’s clothes for fashion reasons, too.”
They can’t help the tiny blush creeping on their face. It makes Junhee chuckle. “You still blush when I call you my girlfriend.”
“It feels nice,” Chanyeol whines. “Don’t tease me for it.”
“Oh I will,” Junhee beams. Chanyeol whines more. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make my girlfriend blush so prettily.”
They threaten to press their painted nails against her shorts, glaring at her half-heartedly. “I’ll make you repaint it!”
“Please, I’d love to repaint my girlfriend’s fingers.”
“I’m threatening you, Junhee!”
Junhee looks like she’s in love. “Yes, baby, of course.” Chanyeol’s face is on fire.
***
They schedule a day for Chanyeol to test out their makeup preferences in their weekly plans. They watch youtube videos about makeup and how to match it with their outfits, what ingredients are good, what is bad, what to look for in makeup, and somedays, they sit in front of the mirror with Junhee and her makeup bag, trying to match their outfit and their makeup.
Today is a good makeup day. Their outfit is all black, their hair styled up and combed backwards, minimum amount of everything except for the black lipstick. It’s applied generously, coated with last layer of sparkly lip gloss. They take a picture in the mirror, weight resting on one leg, other leg bent at their knee just a bit, lips puckered and winking. It looks really nice. They send it to Junhee without a second thought.
[junhee] my gf… Hot
[yeollie] ty /.\
She sends a picture in return, a little close up of her face, still wearing the white, sparkly choker. What’s new is the silver ring she’s wearing, and the single eyebrow raise. They shiver a little. Junhee looks hot.
[yeollie] i have an urge to kneel before you
[junhee] thank you!! i wouldn’t mind if you did~
[yeollie] is that >.> what i think it is <.<
[junhee] maybe <.<
Oh God, they weren’t made for this.