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“This is stupid” he tells himself as he scrolls through his Facebook messages. He wasn’t even sure why he ended up doing this, he wasn’t drunk for once and he thought he was finally starting to hate him. He was wrong. Apparently he was only just starting to miss him.
It started off with him seeking out the photo’s Jehan had put on but he stumbled onto his name first though. And fuck his heart skipped and his eyes burned and he scrolled down quickly. There he sat, hot tears building up and a panic attack brewing. It hurt. Jesus Christ it hurt.
He found himself scrolling back, staring at his blue name, his cursor hovering over it but he didn't click. He didn't want to seem like he needed to, like a stalker or a clingy ex. Looking back now, that probably would've been a better plan. Now he was sat spending his Friday night scrolling through their instant messages from way back when they were two pining teenagers. There’s sobbing and hot sticky tears are rolling down his cheeks and all he can think is “This is stupid.” But he isn't sure if he means the crying or the reason behind it.
It was all going ok, well it was pretty sad laughing at old conversations between the two (God had he really been that obvious?). This empty pit between his stomach and his heart started to make its grand appearance but it wasn’t until one particular message that he started crying.
Grantaire: Be careful or I might just cry ;)
Enjolras: I would never hurt you; I would never make you cry. I promise.
And now here he sat telling himself he was stupid that he was an idiot. There was only one thing he wanted.
An hour or so later Jehan and Eponine sat by his side as they passed the alcohol one of them had snuck. “I’m sick of this hurt. I miss him; I miss him so fucking much!” He cried onto Jehan’s shoulder.
“He doesn’t deserve that! He doesn’t deserve you missing him!” Eponine told him
“But I still do! It’s bad enough I have to deal with the pain of him cheating on me, but I also have to deal with this break up! I brought it on! I started this! I broke up with him and now all I wish is that I didn’t!”
“He fucking cheated on you! He doesn’t deserve your forgiveness. I don’t care how drunk he was and I don’t care how good of a fucking opportunity he claims it was that’s a shit excuse! You deserve happiness and you deserve the best!” Jehan protested.
He knew he was right. He thought back to that night he found out. Enjolras had had sex with someone at a post rally party he went to. He’d apologised and tried to tell him he was sorry that it meant nothing and was just a good idea at the time. But he felt sick. He felt the curling of his stomach and the pain in his heart. He spent hours led awake in bed knowing that it was the end to a relationship with someone he wanted to share the world with. Their relationship wasn’t perfect. He’d seemed to want it more. They argued a lot, and although the makeup sex was perfect, the constant bickering and tiptoeing wasn’t. Truth be told, they had been unhappy for months but neither wanted to let go of that happiness they shared at the beginning. This was just the push they needed.
But he had cheated. He hadn’t even given him a second thought. “I didn’t even think about you, I didn’t even think!” Enjolras had pleaded to him, but somehow that made it worse, made him feel like he’d never meant enough for him to even care. It all felt like some stupid dream.
His Apollo, his God, his first love. He felt like it had all been thrown away. He couldn’t look at the golden beauty without wanting to hit him, cry and throw up. It all made him sick.
All he wanted was to be happy. God, Enjolras made him so happy. But that was then and this was now. And now all he felt was heart ache and loneliness.
“I wanna go out! Let’s go out!” Grantaire exclaims as he jumps up and grabs his friend’s hands. “Courfeyrac was having a party right? Let’s go let’s get gone!”
“R, are you sure?” Jehan lightly laces his hand on his shoulder in a bid to calm him down “You know he’s going to be there right?”
“I want to go Jehan. Please?” Because truth be told he needed the closure of seeing him face to face. They’d broken up through text and he needed the satisfaction of Enjolras seeing the pain he actually caused.
They get to the party pre tipsy and ready for fun. As expect Enjolras was there, laughing with Combeferre like the last four days hadn’t been painful for him at all. None of the three would be able to tell you exactly what happened that night. But they all knew how it ended.
Jehan was in Courfeyrac’s empty bedroom having fun with the host, Eponine and Combeferre ended up in the tree house and Grantaire perched on the lab of the questionable Montparnasse.
Yes it was all fun and games as the trio made the most of being young, drunk and in love. Unfortunately for Grantaire the person he loved was the person he hated. So there he sat, on Parnasse’s knee on a lounger they’d pulled behind some bushes. They were kissing, hot and messy kisses with only breaks to swig from the Whiskey bottle. Parnasse’s hands gripped R’s hips and dragged them to rock gently against him as Grantaire shuffled to straddle him. Montparnasse moaned into his lips and his hands began to roam to the buckle of the belt Grantaire was wearing. He wasn’t thinking, he was caught up in the moment, and well he wanted to feel good, and that was something Montparnasse knew how to do.
They were lost in their world of pleasure and alcohol, too preoccupied to notice what was going on, until someone cleared their throat. Mortified they stopped and Grantaire scrabbled up to re do his pants, he looked up to see who had interrupted them. There he stood, in all his wonder. Apollo. It was Apollo who had interrupted them.
Enjolras smirked and stalked away with Grantaire quick on his tail. Guilt pooling in the pit of his stomach. He felt terrible for what he’d done. “Enj, wait! Please listen to me.”
“What do you want to say Grantaire? That it was a mistake? You didn’t mean for it to happen? Don’t worry about it you’re single now remember you can do what you want. I don’t care.” Enjolras hit back. His cold words clearing the embarrassment and alcohol fussed fog that was clouding his mind.
“Yeah you’re right I am single. You know why? Because you’re a dick who only thinks with his. I can’t believe I was going to apologise to you. You know what fuck it! I do feel guilty and do you know why? Because I still fucking love you Enjolras and fucking hell I wish I didn’t, I wish I hated you but whilst we’re wishing I wish you’d never even fucked up in the first place. I can barely even fucking look at you. I feel sick thinking about what you did to me. Face it you never cared as much as you thought you did. You forgot about me when the first opportunity arose. ‘A good opportunity’ well you know what? So am I. Being with me and what we could’ve had was a fucking amazing opportunity because god knows I don’t let a lot of people love me but I let you because for some fucked up reason I thought you were worth it. I hope your drunken adventure was worth it because I’m worth so much better than this. So fuck you Enjolras. Fuck you with every inch of my heart because I can’t let you go and I can’t let what we had go but Jesus Christ at least I cared.” It streamed out of it quicker than he could think and he was over whelmed with every emotion he’d felt since the breakup. But eventually all that remained was the hurt. He looked his Apollo in the eyes for the first time since his heart broke.
Enjolras stared back at him, the pain he’d caused R were flooded in his blue eyes. “R, listen I’ve told you I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I genuinely care I do I love you too. I didn’t think and I’m sorry but this doesn’t have to be like this.”
“Yes it does.” Grantaire told him, his voice soft and final. “Because sorry doesn’t change anything, sorry doesn’t stop this pain and it doesn’t make any of this go away. You didn’t think and that’s exactly the point. I can’t stay with someone who claims they love me yet I still don’t mean enough for them to even think about me before swanning off to have sex with other people. I’m sorry it took you to fuck up like this for you to realise how much you care but I’m the one who has to live without you because even though that hurts living with you hurts more. All you have to say is sorry but sorry is just another word you learnt to say and it’s not enough, not anymore Enjolras.” He was crying and he didn’t care he wanted him to see how much this hurt “The only word we need to know is goodbye. Because that’s what this is now Apollo. Goodbye.” He turned his back on his statue in red and gold and walked away. Feeling sad and broken but at least now he felt like he could heal.
In time of course.