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There was something about the very nature of Earth that called for chaos and contradiction. That’s what Crowley had always believed. The latest events seemed to agree with him. It had been exhausting, to stop Armageddidn’t and then worry about their own survival.
They were still on the run and had no clue if they’d make it in the end. However, those months were... Relaxing, in a way. They had been everywhere and then some. Aziraphale had missed France, although Crowley didn’t see the appeal. Everything was ancient there, which was probably the reason why the angel liked it in the first place. But Paris had been nothing but the beginning.
Budapest in January was even colder than Gabriel’s heart. It was followed by the crowded, full of bright neon lights Tokyo. New York, with all the cafeterias and bookshops Aziraphale could have ever dreamed of. They had to get creative after those. A desert island, lost somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Desperate and trying to hide, they went to the bottom of the sea. The Great Barrier Reef was the most beautiful scenery Crowley had ever seen. He wondered why God had created something even better than his Garden of Eden and then hid it there, where almost nobody could appreciate it. He didn’t ask Aziraphale, because he knew what he’d say. It would have been ineffable to him, like everything else.
It didn’t matter where they went. They were trapped in a constant calm before the storm. After a few days of peace, inside jokes and tea times, the forces of Heaven or Hell or Both or Neither would show up and force them to leave. They could only last for so long before their bodies and minds would give up. Aziraphale was the most exhausted of the two, his eyes had been sporting some deep dark circles for weeks now. It was hard for him to sleep, he didn’t have a habit of doing so as Crowley did. The angel kept arguing that ethereal beings didn’t need to rest, but they clearly did when distressed. Spending the night reading a book with hot cocoa was one thing, but he was now looking at the ceiling in pure terror, dreading someone would blast the door at any moment.
Crowley knew, no matter how much the other tried to conceal it. He had spent some of those nights trying to come up with an excuse to reach out to him. Maybe if he said the right words, Aziraphale’s insomnia would end. But eloquence wasn’t his forte.
The hours of darkness were ending, a timid sun appearing on the horizon. Aziraphale’s blond curls rebelled against the cold wind of Mount Everest. His lips were closed on a tight line. Crowley stood next to him, covering the angel with his wings. He didn’t fear showing them there, who was going to see? Nobody dared trying to conquer the summit with that weather. There was something delicate and gentle about the gesture, a tribute to the one Aziraphale had with him when they first met. Demons are prone to symbolism.
“They’re coming,” said his best friend, interrupting his thoughts. “We should leave soon.”
Crowley glanced at him, concerned. “Where this time? I don’t want to be that guy, but... I’m running out of options here, angel.”
Certain things can’t be forgotten, no matter if you’re a demon or human or scatterbrained fish. Crowley was certain that moment was one of those things. Aziraphale’s silhouette was right in front of the sun and he looked like a force of nature. His curls reflected the light and his pale skin was beaming. He didn’t even bat an eye when a black feather fell right on top of his shoulder. As everything else, the wind took it away. Crowley shivered as he looked at his best friend. There was something about his posture that irradiated determination and certainty.
However, he said nothing, so Crowley kept talking on his place.
“Maybe the Arctic could be a good idea. I’ve never seen a penguin. It’s kind of sad, to have never seen a penguin, isn’t it?” He asked, but didn’t say what he was actually thinking. If they were going to die, he wanted to do so in a particular landscape. Somewhere isolated and very white, that reminded him of the clouds in Heaven. That was the reason why he had suggested Everest in the first place, but if Aziraphale insisted he could endure one more little trip, he would go with him. He trusted him with his own life.
The angel closed his eyes for a moment. Crowley swallowed as he saw a pair of figures in the distance. They were really there. It wasn’t their gloomy imaginations.
“Oh, dear. I was thinking of Alpha Centauri.”
“A-Alpha Centauri?”
“Yes. If you don’t mind, of course.”
He would never be able to understand how Aziraphale’s mind worked. Why and how was he so calm? People who wanted them dead approached by the minute. They had no plan this time, no backup, no ideas. Did they even want to have a plan? Once that question popped up in his head, he realised.
Aziraphale was asking for a death wish.
Crowley already had his. They were at the metaphorical top of the world, only white mountains ahead and so many clouds beneath their feet. The sky was as blue as his angels’ irises. It would have been a nice last place to be, but was it really that important? He had lived six thousand years, he was old and all of his bones felt way too tired. He could think of it as where he had died and it would be almost true. He wasn’t like Aziraphale, almost truths were alright with him.
“Why Alpha Centauri, though?” He couldn’t help but ask. “I would have guessed an enormous library or something like that. Suits you better.”
His quietness was now terrifying to him. Crowley had heard humans tell stories about ethereal, eternal beings who suddenly found themselves disappearing and accepted their fate a bit too willingly. As if this world was too heavy to keep carrying, as if they knew things no one else could understand. The demon thought Aziraphale looked like that then, and how it was a shame that nobody would remain to share the story of the best Heaven ever had.
He almost wanted to accept that task, but couldn’t. Couldn’t lose him twice.
No, they would be fading together.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’ve no regrets whatsoever. We did what had to be done. I only wish I had been kinder to you. But...” He smiled a bit and it was the most heartbreaking smile Crowley had ever seen. “I can’t help but wonder, you know. What if I had left with you when you asked me to? What’s so magnificent and unique about Alpha Centauri? I guess I’m... curious. Yes, that’s the word. Curiosity may have killed dogs, but never an angel.”
“Cats, Aziraphale. Curiosity killed the cat. Or maybe it didn’t. There’s a bit of an argument about that, actually.”
Aziraphale was lying and they both knew, but it didn’t matter because that was, after all, how they both had lived. Saying the rawest truths except when they really should. And it wasn’t okay, it wasn’t okay with Crowley and it made him feel as if he was in Hell already and something on his chest was about to explode. But he said nothing else. Aziraphale had never been the only one to lie.
He sighed. He felt as if drowning on an ocean formed of his own disappointment. With every second that passed, Crowley felt like he was closer to risking it all. Still-born words continuously died on his throat. The irony felt too bitter. He was daring, liked driving at 90 miles per hour in central London, had been fraternising with an angel from the beginning of time and kept holy water on his safe for decades. He had endured the hottest of infernal flames and the first to plan how to stop the end of the world. And yet, he wasn’t brave enough to tell Aziraphale that he loved him. He wasn’t brave enough to try to save their lives one more time, not when the other didn’t want so. Still, he didn’t understand the angel’s logic. What sense had it all made? Why stop the Apocalypse? Sure, Crowley liked humans, they were fine. A lovely bunch.
But they weren’t his reason to live.
His reason to live looked at him with that piercing blue glance of his. He was still waiting for an answer and Crowley gave in. Even if he wanted to try, he wasn’t going to do so without him. Memories of fire, loss and burned books came to his mind. Never again. He was on their bloody side now, whatever that meant.
“Oh, right. Sure, why not? Alpha Centauri it is,” he replied.
Aziraphale smiled as he hadn’t in weeks and offered him his arm. The demon, still dubitative, grabbed it. They were surrounded by white wings all of a sudden and Crowley barely held a gasp. He didn’t remember them as big or as majestic. Maybe it had been stupid from him, to ask for washed-out sceneries when he only needed Aziraphale as a reminder of Heaven.
Gabriel had just arrived and was looking at them with the most hateful expression. He looked even more serious than usual. His normally well-kept suit was wrinkled and his dark hair waved in the wind. Crowley remembered how he had had to shut up, disguised as Aziraphale, when he had told him to ‘die already’. He hadn’t told his friend yet. The memory made his blood boil. He, who didn’t feel capable of killing the Antichrist, was definitely in for murdering Gabriel. Maybe they were both going to die, but he’d come down first. There was no way he could allow that bastard to enjoy the world Aziraphale loved so much.
He almost took a step towards him, but his feet weren’t standing on the ground any longer. It took him a second to catch up and start moving his own wings, assisting the angel as they ascended towards the sky. They shared a glance and Crowley couldn’t help but laugh. He remembered well how much it had hurt to fall. He knew he was unforgivable, doomed and corrupted, expulsed forever from the Kingdom. And still, to rise next to Aziraphale felt as if none of that mattered. He couldn’t ever return home, but he could have a new one. As long as the angel was with him above the clouds, his skin glowing in the sunlight, he would be okay. For a moment, he even forgot about Gabriel and imminent death. He closed his eyelids, complacent.
And then, the moment passed.
When he dared look again, they had left Earth already. So fast. Most likely a miracle. The planet was a tiny blue globe under their feet and looking at it made him feel dizzy. He had told himself he didn’t care that much about humankind, but he was now concerned. Would they be okay without him and Aziraphale? They had to, because there was no way they could go back now. Their bodies wouldn’t survive a trip through space. That was probably the reason why Gabriel and his horde had backed off, at least for now. It wasn’t over. Hoping so would be delusional, and yet he hoped.
Crowley didn’t dare look at the angel. He was a bit scared of what he could find on those eyes. Aziraphale was a terrible liar, had always been. He would know, just by looking at him, if he was doubtful. After asking him to leave together over and over again, Crowley wouldn’t be able to deal with his rejection. His heart had been broken too many times in the same way. It was a terrible thing to do, but he had learned his lesson.
The demon kept some memories from his time before Falling. Most of them were unrelated and made no sense, but there were some that he could recall as if he was living them in that moment. It was the case when it came to the universe and its rearranging. He spent millennia looking at the stars, looking at galaxies far distant in time and space and wondering how it would feel to touch those enormous masses of gas and matter. It was terrifying and beautiful. Back then, he wasn’t familiar with the concept of feeling tiny and powerless, so he was fascinated by it —even if he didn’t know yet that was how he felt. More than six thousand years later, he wasn’t so naive.
Scientists wondered for years whether Alpha Centauri had planets or not. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. In a very egocentric and human fashion, what they wondered was mostly among the lines of how similar said hypothetical planets were to their beloved Earth. He had seen how they talked to animals and even plants. How they made animation movies where they had cute eyes and felt and spoke just like them. They looked for similarities, for a sense of homeliness, in everything they did. And could he blame them? He sometimes wished he could see his reflection somewhere.
He kind of did, when he looked at Alpha Centauri. With its three stars and inhabited planets —that yes, looked a little bit like Earth— and the devastating, immense solitude. They were the firsts to be there and he could feel it on his bones. It felt weird. But he liked it. Crowley was, after all, a big spooky fan.
“Which one?” Aziraphale asked, making an offering gesture with his hand.
Crowley didn’t think much about it, he just picked a random planet. When they landed, he felt he would have thrown up if he still had a body. His friend looked even worse. The demon would have expected Aziraphale’s exhaustion and generally crappy state to get better once he got rid of that nuance that a corporal form was. However, it seemed to be worse than he thought.
“Angel...?” He asked, unconcealed fear showing on his tone.
The angel looked like death. He was shaking and fell on the ground. Crowley felt pure terror crawling on his back. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t happen. Why was it happening? He had already established it couldn’t be.
“What are you doing, idiot!? Don’t... Don’t pull this shit on me, Aziraphale! You can’t... You can’t...” He wasn’t crying. After all, he had no body to allow him to. But he knew that, if otherwise, tears would be already watering the untouched ground. “LIVE BETTER!”
But he wasn’t like his plants or his car. He couldn’t terrorise him into existing the way he wanted. It didn’t work that way with beings as powerful as him. Aziraphale’s soul wouldn’t bend to his will. He wasn’t getting up. His eyes were closing.
“You don’t get to leave me alone now, angel. Don’t you dare.”
There was another reason why he couldn’t scare Aziraphale into staying with him: Crowley was the scared one. He had always been the scared one, even if he had taken crazy risks without a second thought. Aziraphale was who doubted, but was never afraid. So he looked at Crowley and smiled, placing a hand in top of his.
“Don’t be so dramatic, dear. When did I say I was leaving you? I’m only...” He coughed. Not because of the dust making his throat dry, since he had none. “I’m only taking a short nap.”
Crowley let out an incredulous, nervous laugh.
“The last time I took a short nap, I slept for an entire century, remember? Not part of it, no. The whole thing. And no offense, but I wasn’t looking as if I was going to become stardust.”
“Well, didn’t know I looked that bad. Thanks for letting me know.”
“Angel, that wasn’t the fucking point.”
The other didn’t reply and Crowley sighed. He was... calmer than he should, even if he had had a little breakdown just there. He knew exactly why and that was the worst part. Aziraphale had already died on him once and came back. Some part of him had assumed he was invulnerable, eternal, undying. It wasn’t true, deep down he knew it. But he couldn’t help but be a stupid fool and remain at his side, hoping it all would be okay, as he had been doing for thousands of years. Humans were right. Love makes you stupid indeed.
Crowley couldn’t tell how much time passed. Anyways, it felt too long. A single second of watching Aziraphale resting on the ground, absolutely exhausted, was more than he could take. But he still waited. He didn’t take his eyes off him, just in case something happened. And then it didn’t.
They arrived. The demon could feel their presence, although their deafening fall from the sky was more than enough to tell they were there. He took his sunglasses off and held them in his hand —Now that we’re having this conversation, what was the explanation for souls keeping the same clothes you had when discorporated? How weird was that.
“Angel, I... I would love to, but I can’t wait any longer. We’ve no time left.”
Aziraphale got up extremely slowly, as if it required so much of an effort to do so. Once he was back on his feet, he stood between Crowley and their former superiors. His posture was defensive and his forehead wrinkled on a frown. He didn’t look back at Crowley, but talked to him.
“You know, dear? I often wish you had said that back then”.
“W-what? Then when?”
“When I gave you the water, in your car. Do you remember?”
He did, how could he not? He remembered everything about that moment. A flask filled with the holiest water, Aziraphale’s hands shaking a little bit, some words that would have been better left unsaid. Words that still stung, no matter that they were said some time ago. Crowley put his sunglasses back on, suddenly feeling very vulnerable in front of people he’d rather not see ever again.
They have kept their bodies, unlikely Aziraphale and himself. That was probably the reason why it had taken some time for them to reach them. Loads of paperwork to miracle themselves into another galaxy. A smirk appeared on his face. Paperwork wasn’t something he’d miss, for sure.
Beelzebub looked almost bored. The Prince of Demons wasn’t used to doing actual work and since all of this Armaggedidn’t-happen business had started, he hadn’t had a minute for himself. It was... Annoying, but mostly boring. How could the angels willingly do that stuff, he didn’t know.
“Okay, you too have had more than enough time to chit-chat already. Let’s get this over with, yes? Unless you’re feeling like visiting Pluto next or some shit, sure.”
Michael’s stern expression broke for a second to give the demon a reprobating look, as if she didn’t want him to give them any ideas. But she said nothing, as usual. It was Gabriel who loved to do all the talking.
“It’s over. No matter how many times you try to get away from us, sunshine.” His gaze was fixed on Aziraphale. The angel looked back at him, defiant. “I heard humans have a thing for star-crossed love stories. Didn’t they tell you how they end?”
He shouldn’t have talked to him, Crowley thought. Not when Aziraphale’s eyes reflected that dangerous glow. Not when he wasn’t nervously rambling as usual, but silent instead. It was bad news, all of it. For them.
The flaming sword appeared on his hand. Fire seemed to consume faster there than on Earth, but it kept producing it, as stubborn as its owner. He took a step forward, getting further away from Crowley. The sword seemed to be hungry for blood, flesh and destruction. Its flames turned hotter, until their colour changed to blue.
“Maybe it’s time for them to hear one that ends well.” Aziraphale sounded so calm that it was unsettling. Gabriel, on the other hand, was furious.
“Well? You think this is the good ending? You disobeyed orders, fraternised with a demon, boycotted Armaggedon, manipulated the Antichrist into not ending the world, delayed the whole process for who knows how long! What for, him? An outcast demon?”
“Hey, what do you mean ‘outcast’? Now, sure, but then? I was perfectly integrated in demon society! Do your research, Gabriel.” Crowley couldn’t help but intervene.
Beelzebub scoffed.
“I mean, no offense, but we didn’t like you very much. I thought you knew.”
“Because we’re demons! We don’t like each other!” Crowley replied, frustrated.
Beelzebub was about to correct him, but Michael interrupted him. She wasn’t dead-pan anymore, something that was unheard of even for Gabriel. The archangel didn’t like how the encounter was turning out. After all, this was supposed to be quick. She had better things to do.
“Enough of this foolery.” That was something she had in common with Aziraphale, Crowley thought. She could scare the shit out of you without raising her voice. “Your sword may harm our Prince of Demons there, sure, but a weapon of Heaven can’t turn against Heaven. If this was your little plan, it’s stupid and you failed. Accept it and stop wasting our time.”
Beelzebub didn’t seem very pleased about the disregard for his life, but he said nothing about it. It wasn’t like he had any intentions to get involved in an actual fight if it started. That could turn out to be... messy, on his experience.
“Oh, really? You mean as in an angel cannot possess a human body? Because I did that impossible thing as well. I don’t see how it could hurt, to add one more to the list,” Aziraphale replied.
Gabriel looked at him, half terrified half disgusted. His purple eyes analysed him, as if trying to determine if he was lying or not. He seemed to decide he wasn’t.
“You... you really did... See, Michael? I told you, he’s helpless. He has to be destroyed. That snake has corrupted him. He’s de—“
“If you say deviant, Mr. Die Already, I’ll rip your head off.” Crowley said in a threatening tone, his arms crossed. “That’s a promise, not a warning.”
“You can try, I guess.”
It all went downhill from there. Crowley took a step forward and Gabriel jumped on him. He was stopped by Aziraphale, who moved incredibly fast to Crowley’s side, both his coat and the sword swinging in the air. It was obvious, that he should be a skilled swordman if he had received one. However, the demon had never given it much thought. He found it surreal to see Aziraphale interjecting Gabriel and forcing him to step back, especially because he performed that role as if it was what he was born to do.
Beelzebub was nowhere to be seen, he had left. He probably wasn’t feeling to be murdered by a flaming sword that day. Michael mumbled something about ‘treacherous demons’ before making her move, sneaking up on Aziraphale. Crowley snapped back into reality. He adopted his snake form before approaching her, hissing right in front of her face.
A scream made them both turn around. It was Gabriel, who was on the ground, at Aziraphale’s feet. One of his cheeks burned and it smelled horribly. Aziraphale was pointing at him with the sword. His blue eyes were those of an executor, his piercing glanced reminded Crowley of Death’s.
“Give me a single reason not to do it, Gabriel,” the angel said.
“You’ll Fall.”
“No, I won’t. You are the ones I don’t believe in any longer. “Aziraphale shaked his head as he talked. “It’s not a crime to protect my own life. You are the ones forcing me to come to this... Unless you don’t.”
Gabriel hesitated, but said nothing. Michael did. “Elaborate.”
Crowley had to hold back a laugh. Of course she would say it as an order in such a desperate situation. Archangels never learned. She was lucky that tolerating it or not was up to Aziraphale and not him. The demon wasn’t nice.
“You get a third chance to leave us alone and that’s it. No more random kidnapping, no more chasing, no more trying to kill us. If you leave us alone, we’ll behave. We’re on our own side now. Do not test me any further.”
Gabriel was livid. “You disrespectful little b—“
“Bastard? Yes, I’ve been told I am.” Aziraphale agreed. “A bastard worth knowing.”
“Alright. We accept your conditions.” Michael’s voice sounded as ominous as her presence always was. “But you’re going back to Earth. So you can be... supervised.”
Gabriel stared at her in pure disbelief and Aziraphale smiled. He looked a bit more like himself and Crowley found himself letting out a relieved sigh. He had been worried about how all of this would affect his angel, but he was tougher than he seemed.
“Fair enough, you’ve got a deal.”
“Are you serious, Michael?” Gabriel asked. “We can’t trust them, they’ll—“
“Kill you,” she replied, “unless we reach an agreement. I’ve reached it. Would you like me to leave you here to die? Doesn’t seem very reasonable, does it?”
Gabriel had no choice but to give up. And so, they both disappeared in thin air, leaving Aziraphale and Crowley on their own. The angel gave one look at the sword before making it fade once again. On his part, Crowley transformed back into his usual form.
An incredibly uncomfortable silence filled up the atmosphere between them. Crowley would have never thought it would be so awkward to talk after defeating their former bosses and almost murdering them. Well, now that he worded it like that, it seemed more than normal.
“So... We did it. It’s over for good, right?” He said, a bit nervous. “Maybe we should go back to Earth already.”
Aziraphale turned to look at him, his eyes filled with an emotion that Crowley couldn’t quite guess. He had seen that expression on him before, but never knew what it meant.
“Wait, we can’t leave yet. You’ve to say it again. In the right context, this time.”
“What?”
“The car thing.”
“Oh. Oh. Right. The car thing. I... forgot.” Crowley was glad that he didn’t have his body back yet. It would have been very embarrassing, to sweat and have his heart racing because of something so silly.
Aziraphale raised an eyebrow, so he continued.
“Angel, you said something extremely stupid some decades ago. It was really, really stupid, unbelievably ridiculous. You said that I was going too fast, and it was very confusing, and you weren’t talking about my driving. You had the nerve to think that me being willing to die or kill for you was too much, and now look at you! Almost killing archangels with your flaming sword—“
“As if you wouldn’t have,” the other replied.
“Touché. Sorry, I got a little carried away there.” Crowley took a moment to recompose himself. “So, as I was saying, you were being an idiot. And I was an idiot too, because I let you. I let you say that as if it was reasonable and as if I didn’t know that you were worried and anxious and scared and trying to run away from me. It’s been six thousand years, angel. The worst that could happen has already happened and hey, turns out it wasn’t that bad. We’ve got each other. I don’t know if they’ll really leave us alone, but we’ve got each other. So... Please, stop doing this to me. It hurts. I can’t wait any longer, angel. I wish I could, but I really can’t”.
Aziraphale smiled as he leaned in. “And?”
What a bastard, Crowley thought.
“And I love you”, he admitted.
After so long, the demon had finally said it. He felt a bit dumb, all of his sulking and suffering alone suddenly feeling unnecessary and masochistic. Because Aziraphale was placing a hand on his cheek and both of them knew what was going to happen next. The angel was just as delicate as he had imagined. His lips felt so soft on his own. The kiss they shared was tender and unrushed, even if they both had wanted it for so long. Maybe it was because they had all of the time in the world.
“Do you think that’ll feel different when we’re corporeal beings again?”
“Angel, I swear to G- S- whatever, that was the weirdest thing to sa—“
Aziraphale interrupted him with another kiss.
“I love you too, Crowley.”