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Lucas Lallemant has never been good with facing his problems. He likes to bury them away, lie, he likes to pretend like he doesn’t have any in the first place. This proves especially difficult when his problem comes in the form of a person.
Lucas doesn’t get it. Doesn’t get why it’s Eliott of all people that makes his heart flip around in his chest and his eyes go wide, and makes his whole body feel empty until suddenly Eliott’s there, and he feels warm again.
Eliott Demaury is a very big problem. So big, that Lucas doesn’t think he can bury it away. So big, he can’t come up with a lie to push it away. So big, he can’t pretend that Eliott doesn’t exist.
Another problem, Lucas thinks, is that Eliott is already dating someone else.
Lucas has to physically stop himself from staring because once he catches sight of Eliott, he’s done for. He can’t stop himself from gazing longingly at Eliott’s lips, can’t stop himself from losing himself in Eliott’s eyes that are all blue-gray and beautiful. Can’t stop himself from wondering what, exactly, it feels like to trace the ridges of Elliot’s cheekbones and the tip of his nose and what it feels like to run his hands through his mass of hair.
He’s surprised Eliott hasn’t noticed already.
Lucas sits down across from Eliott, and oh god, that was a bad idea, because now Lucas will be tempted to stare straight into Eliott’s eyes, and hyper analyze everything.
Like the way Eliott’s feet distinctly nudge his whenever Arthur says something remotely witty, or when Basile says something completely dumb, or when Yann cracks a joke that’s borderline brutal. Or the slight brush of their elbows when Eliott leans over to grab the water pitcher, even though he could have easily asked Arthur to pass it for him.
This is something Arthur points out, and Lucas hopes that maybe, maybe Eliott meant for it to happen.
But then Eliott leaves like usual about half-way through lunch to meet Lucille, and Lucas feels his heart sink. Of course.
Eliott walks back with Lucas to the bus stop, and he’s smiling so wide, eyes so bright, and Lucas melts. Melts because Eliott is so close, he can feel Eliott’s arms barely brushing against his, sees Eliott’s fond glances out the corner of his eye.
Must be the Lucille effect, Lucas thinks bitterly. If he’s being completely honest, he doesn’t get it. Doesn’t get why Lucille of all people makes Eliott the happiest person in the whole entire world. But at least Eliott’s happy, and Lucille seems nice enough.
Just before they part their separate ways, Eliott says something. He stares at Lucas for a long while, head tilted, gaze piercing.
“Hm?” Lucas says, clearing his mind of cobwebs. “What was that?”
“Oh. Nothing.” And Eliott stares at Lucas for a second too long before smiling and bounding away. “See you, Lucas.”
Lucas doesn’t think he could get tired of hearing Eliott say his name. Too bad it’s entirely platonic.
Lucas sees Eliott and Lucille kissing in the middle of the party, and Lucas grabs the nearest drink and downs it, the alcohol burning its way down his throat. He’s pathetic, he thinks, and Arthur grabs onto his arm and pulls him deeper into the kitchen where he meets Yann and Basile.
“Lucas, stop moping,” Arthur frowns sympathetically, “and go meet someone. We can even go together, and I’ll help –”
Lucas shrugs. “No offense, but I don’t want anyone else.”
Basile groans, because oh god, everyone knows what type of drunk Lucas is. The sentimental, mushy type.
“Lucas,” Yann starts.
He’s interrupted by Eliott arriving into the kitchen, eyes lighting up at the sight of them.
“Lucas,” Eliott makes his way over to him, absent-mindedly giving a fist bump to each of their friends, “want to dance?”
His friends start grinning stupidly.
But Lucas has already had too much to drink, feels himself leaning against the side of the wall with the kitchen counter digging into his back. “No thanks,” he mumbles quietly, words slurring at the edges, “go have fun with Lucille.”
“Lucas,” Yann hisses not so quietly, jabbing him in the side.
Eliott frowns. He winces slightly, then smiles, although it’s not as bright as before. “Well, okay. I’ll catch you later, then?”
Lucas just shrugs, not even meeting Eliott’s gaze. “Sure.”
Eliott frowns, then looks at Arthur, Yann, and Basile who are all glaring daggers into Lucas.
“Are you okay?” Eliott steps closer, and bless him, Lucas thinks, at least he’s pretending to care.
Lucas can feel Eliott’s breath against his forehead, and Lucas dares to look up, just this once. Eliott’s eyes are so piercing, so beautiful, and Lucas feels his throat start to sting because Eliott’s never going to look at him like he looks at Lucille, is he? Lucas is just going to be something to Eliott.
This hurts because Eliott’s starting to become everything to Lucas.
Lucas shakes his head, feeling his eyes start to hurt. “No,” he whispers. “No, I’m not.”
Eliott freezes. For a moment it’s like he doesn’t know what to do, and then he wraps a gentle arm around Lucas’ shoulders. “Come on,” he says, “I’ll take you home.”
Beside him, Lucas hears Arthur actually squeal.
Lucas lets himself get guided out, lets himself melt into Eliott’s warmth and the arm around his shoulder, and he blames it on him getting drunk. He blames it on the alcohol, and definitely not those feelings he’s having so much trouble with.
“What did you mean, earlier,” Eliott murmurs, eyes gauging Lucas, “when you said to have fun with Lucille?”
Lucas feels his heart drop. He tenses up. Shit. “Ah,” Lucas mumbles, trying to find some excuse in his muddled up brain, “exactly that? She’s your girlfriend, you know.”
“But don’t you want to spend time with me?”
Lucas furrows his eyebrows, confused. “Yes?”
“Then why –”
“My head hurts,” Lucas whispers, holding out a hand to Eliott. “Don’t do this now, please. Don’t really want to get heartbroken while drunk off my ass.”
Eliott freezes, eyes widening. “What?”
“I said it’s fucking freezing, can’t you walk fast?” Lucas remembers what he said. He’s still sane enough to know that he’s very close to breaching this friendship line he’s drawn between them.
“No, you didn’t,” Eliott says quietly. “You said you didn’t want to get heartbroken.”
Lucas thinks he’s fucked. “Yeah. I told myself I wouldn’t get drunk, and now I’ll have to confess to Manon and tell her what I’ve done.”
Eliott laughs, and it’s a breathy sound. “That’s not what you meant. But, okay.”
Lucas’ eyes widen, but he doesn’t really process what’s happening. Just feels Eliott’s arm around his shoulder, feels the warmth from the alcohol and Eliott, and doesn’t think. Just follows.
It’d be nice to be Lucille for a day, or two, Lucas thinks. He doesn’t know how he’s going to stay around Eliott while also remembering what it feels like to have Eliott’s arm wrapped gently around his shoulders, almost like he cares.
When Lucas stumbles back into his place with Eliott holding him and helping him through the flat, Lucas thinks that he hasn’t felt so warm.
“It’s just here,” Lucas motions to the sofa, and he half falls onto it.
“You sleep on a couch?” Eliott’s voice sounds concerned, he steps closer to Lucas, confused. “You don’t have a bed? A room?”
“Don’t fucking have anything, but a sofa’s a good start.”
Eliott looks like Lucas just slapped him in the face. “Lucas?”
“Thanks for bringing me back,” Lucas says cheerfully, but with the alcohol and the realization that Eliott’s going to leave, he just sounds sad.
“Lucas,” Eliott repeats, almost as if he’s trying to say something through his voice.
“I’m really drunk, okay. Can we do this tomorrow?”
He’s not that drunk.
“Okay,” Eliott nods. “Tomorrow, then.” He unfolds the blanket resting on the arm of the sofa and wraps it over Lucas, making sure the blanket gets tucked up to his chin.
Lucas’ eyes are already shut. He doesn’t want to watch Eliott leave.
But then there’s something warm against his forehead, and Eliott’s lips press against his skin, and Lucas freezes.
“Goodnight, Lu.”
- -
The next morning, Lucas slumps in his seat while he’s riding the bus, staring grumpily out the window.
Eliott was probably drunk. Lucas was drunk, too, so it meant nothing.
Lu’s a common nickname, Lucas thinks, maybe Eliott just got his and Lucille’s names mixed up.
Eliott’s already waiting at the bus stop when Lucas gets out, and he pulls Lucas the opposite direction of the school. “Come.”
Lucas turns his head back, looks confused, then turns back to Eliott. “Huh?”
“Come,” Eliott laughs, grabbing Lucas’ hand and pulling him with him.
Do platonic friends hold hands? Lucas is falling and flying and falling all at once, and he can’t breathe, can’t think.
Maybe, he thinks. Eliott’s an affectionate person, as shown by how he accidentally kissed Lucas on the forehead last night.
But Eliott is taking him back to his flat, and Lucas steps in, unsure.
Eliott sits down on the floor, tucking his knees to his chest, and stares at Lucas. “I just wanted you to know that you can stay over anytime you want.”
Lucas’ mind goes blank. “What?”
Eliott’s voice goes soft. “In case you ever need anything, I’m here.”
This can’t be happening. What did he tell Eliott last night?
“Ah,” Lucas begins, unsure, “that’s nice of you.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Yes.
“No,” Lucas shrugs, standing up and feeling his heart break. He walks over to the shelf holding all of Eliott’s vinyl records. “Which one’s your favorite?”
Eliott blinks, then smiles. “All of them?”
Lucas fixes him with a blank stare, but can’t hold it for very long because soon enough he’s losing himself in Eliott’s gaze and can’t help the smile turning up at his lips.
“But no,” Eliott shrugs, “I don’t have my favorite.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t want it to ever not be my favorite anymore,” Eliott says, quietly. “I think if I have it then I won’t appreciate it anymore.”
“That’s rubbish,” Lucas says, “if you have it, you’ll appreciate it even more. Like, I listen to the Beatles all the time, and I still love them.”
“You can’t have things forever, and you can’t love things forever.”
Lucas rolls his eyes. “You’re so dramatic. Yes, you can. I loved the Clash since I was a little kid, and I’ve loved chocolate since I was four, and I’m going to keep loving both until I’m old and die.”
Eliott tilts his head, curiously. “So you just love things more once you get them?”
Lucas shrugs. “I guess.”
“Even if we’re not talking about vinyl records anymore?”
What?
Lucas tries to wrap his head around it. “We’re not?”
Eliott props his head up with his hands and gazes at Lucas with a fond expression. “No. We’re not.”
Lucas feels his palms start to sweat, feels his heart beating faster and faster in his chest. Eliott can’t mean what he thinks he means, can he?
“We are,” is what Lucas says firmly.
“We’re not,” Eliott repeats again, amused.
“We are,” Lucas says again, and it’s like he’s a little kid all over again, the stubbornness returning.
Eliott laughs. “Well, I’m not.”
And Lucas self-sabotages. “It’s sweet that you care about Lucille, you know. You’re a good person.”
Eliott’s laughter disappears. “What?”
“You’re worried about your feelings for her fading, aren’t you?” Lucas looks down at his feet, feeling his heart start to hurt. “They won’t. I can tell you both really love each other. You’ll be okay.”
“Lucas,” Eliott says, almost irritatedly.
“I’m going to go.” Lucas stands up, blinking. “I need to get to class.”
“Lucas,” Eliott repeats.
Lucas turns back around as he opens up the door. “Thanks for inviting me over.”
“Wait!”
Lucas pauses, half-way outside the door. “Hm?”
“Think about it, okay? You can stay over whenever you want. Whenever you need to.”
Lucas feels his mouth drop open.
“Just, give me a call, okay? Or knock on the door. I’ll open up.”
Lucas swallows. “You’d do that for me?”
“For you?” Eliott smiles, eyes trying to communicate something between the two of them, and Lucas is too stubborn, too dumb, to realize what it means. “Anything.”
- -
Months later, Eliott disappears for a week because apparently he’s just broken up with Lucille. He says he’s okay, but Lucas thinks otherwise. He sends Eliott a text to ask if he’s okay, but doesn’t send anything else after he gets a one-word response from Eliott.
Fine.
Lucas thinks it’s better this way, anyway. Now that Eliott is actually an option, now that he’s not dating anyone, Lucas doesn’t think he’ll be able to hide his feelings.
So he avoids Eliott while also staring at him longingly across the room. He avoids Eliott by running the other direction when Eliott’s eyes catch his, or even when Eliott attempts to cross the room to reach Lucas.
Arthur thinks Lucas is overreacting. Yann thinks Lucas has gone mad. And Basile is confused to why Lucas is even acting like this in the first place.
“You’re crazy,” Yann tells him as they’re walking to first period. “Now that he’s finally single, you’re pushing him away? What the fuck, dude?”
Lucas sighs. “I’m just going to wait until everything blows over.”
“You mean until Eliott decides you don’t want to be around him anymore?”
Lucas frowns. “What?”
“I mean, you’re avoiding him like he’s the plague. C’mon, man, give him a break. He just broke up with his girlfriend, and now you’re ignoring him? That’s messed up.”
Lucas says nothing.
Yann rolls his eyes. “I can’t believe we ever thought you were smooth.”
Lucas approaches Eliott at the bus stop this time, and he’s not really sure if they found each other so easily because they just know each other’s schedules so well, or maybe because Eliott was searching for Lucas, too.
“How are you?” Lucas starts, eyes daring to look at Eliott.
Eliott smiles, then shrugs. “Better now.” And then he folds into himself, looking more vulnerable than Lucas has seen him before. “You’ve been avoiding me, haven’t you?”
Lucas shakes his head. Then sees Eliott’s eyes, and they’re so blue, so gray, that Lucas sighs. And he nods. “Yeah.”
“Why?”
“I didn’t think you’d want to see me.”
Eliott crosses his arms. “So, what made you think that?”
Lucas knows. If he’d been around Eliott, he doesn’t think he’d be able to control himself. And Eliott doesn’t need any more problems, especially now, especially with the breakup.
“I don’t know,” Lucas shrugs, voice quiet. “Didn’t think you’d care.”
Eliott sucks in a breath, and when Lucas looks back up at him, Eliott’s eyes are more intense than he’s ever seen before.
“I care.”
- -
Lucas wakes up on the couch with tired eyes and an aching back, and he pulls out his phone, automatically dialing Eliott’s number.
Eliott picks up after a few seconds, voice warm over the phone. “Lucas?”
Lucas lets himself revel in Eliott’s voice, clutches the phone to his heart, then brings it back up to his ear. “Can I come over? Please?”
Eliott’s voice instantly turns concerned. “Where are you?”
“Home. But it, it doesn’t feel right. I can’t –”
“Come over.”
Lucas arrives at Eliott’s front door, shivering, and Eliott opens the door. It’s warm inside, and Lucas sinks to the floor, clutching his knees to his chest.
Eliott studies him for a moment, then immediately sinks to Lucas’ level, hands held in front of Lucas, almost as if Eliott thinks he’s some wounded animal who might flee at sudden movement.
And honestly, Lucas thinks, he just might.
He feels his throat go dry, and he stares up at the ceiling. “My mom,” he starts, “my mom’s getting worse again. And I had a dream that I couldn’t do anything.”
Eliott wraps his arms around Lucas, pulling him closer. Lucas falls into him, and his momentum knocks Eliott over, and now they’re both lying on the ground, Lucas’ head resting in the spot where Eliott’s arm meets his chest.
“I just miss having a family,” Lucas whispers, shutting his eyes.
Eliott just holds him tighter.
Later Lucas is sitting on top of Eliott’s bed.
“I don’t see why you’re making me sleep here,” Lucas says in order to try to cut off all ties to his feelings, “it’s your bed.”
Eliott runs a hand through his hair, looks at Lucas with a pleading look. “Just this once? It’ll make me feel better.”
“It’ll make me feel better if I don’t kick you out of your fucking room.”
“I’ll just be on the floor,” Eliott smiles. “See?” He points to a pillow and thin blanket on the ground. “Perfect.”
“Eliott,” Lucas whispers.
“No. I told you you could come over for anything. Anything, Lucas. Right now, you need somewhere safe. And I am not letting you sleep on the floor. Or the couch.”
Lucas feels his heart melt, feels his eyes start to tear up. “Okay,” he whispers again. “Okay.”
Eliott wanders over to make sure Lucas is warm and reaches to mess with a bit of his hair. He turns off the light, tripping over his shoes as he tries to find his pillow again.
Once they’re settled and Lucas’ eyes are adjusting to the light, he leans over to look at Eliott. “Are you awake?”
“Yes.”
“What do you think the other Eliott is doing right now?
Eliott pauses to think, humming. “The other Eliott?”
“Yeah. Like parallel universes.”
“What’s the other you doing?”
Lucas laughs, staring up at the ceiling. “Maybe I’m sitting at a coffee shop,” he says quietly, not knowing what to say. “Or maybe I’m stealing something, or maybe I’m being brave.”
Eliott nods, and it’s so faint in the darkness. “I like to think I’m doing all those things, too.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s what you’re doing.”
Lucas feels his eyes widen. “What?”
“Maybe I’m deciding to be brave, this other self.”
“For what?”
“For you.”
Lucas feels his heart trembling. But all he does is stare at the ceiling, fists clenched against Eliott’s bedsheets. He doesn’t know what to do.
“Thank you,” Lucas says, finally. He shifts onto his side so that he’s staring at Eliott again. “Thanks for letting me stay.”
“You never have to thank me.” Eliott’s eyes are still entrancing in the dark. But even now, Lucas can see the faint smile that graces his lips. “But you’re welcome.”
- -
Lucas calls Eliott a lot, actually. But he limits it to once per week, or tries to, at least. And Eliott always answers, because somehow he knows that whenever Lucas calls, Lucas needs help.
Lucas calls again, and Eliott answers.
“Are you okay?”
Lucas feels his heart melt, feels his fingers start to tremble. ‘Yeah.”
“Do you need to come over?”
Lucas feels his heart beating, doesn’t know what to say because he doesn’t even know why he called Eliott in the first place.
“No,” he says, truthfully, “I just wanted to hear your voice.”
Eliott’s quiet for a moment and Lucas can feel his smile from across the other line. “Ah, I see,” Eliott says, “but you’ll hear me much better if you come over.”
Lucas laughs softly. “I don’t want to bother you.”
Lucas hears Eliott sigh from the other end, and he can picture Eliott propping up his head on his hands and staring at the phone with annoyance.
Except its not annoyance.
“Lucas,” Eliott says, and his voice is gentle, “you’re never bothering me. You couldn’t.”
Lucas clenches the phone to his ear, relishing in Eliott’s voice and wishing somehow Eliott were here. “You mean it?”
“Everything. I mean everything I’ve ever said to you.”
Lucas feels his mind short circuit, feels himself start floating, and he has to grab at the pillows beside him to make sure he’s alright. “Oh,” he whispers.
“Yeah.”
“Can I come over?”
Eliott laughs. “I already told you, yes.”
Eliott pulls the door open before Lucas can even knock. “Hey.”
Lucas steps inside and soon they’re inside Eliott’s apartment and there’s a movie playing on the tv.
“I just want to stay for a little bit,” Lucas says.
“Oh.”
“I don’t want to make you sleep on the floor again.”
“Why?”
Lucas shrugs. “Remember that thing you said about not being able to love something forever?” Lucas swallows. “Well, if I keep coming over, maybe you won’t like me anymore and won’t want to be friends.”
Eliott sits up straighter. “Well, remember what you told me? That the more time you spend with someone, the more you appreciate them? The more you like them?”
Lucas feels his world stop.
“Because that’s what’s going on here,” Eliott murmurs. “I’d never stop liking you. I’d only like you more.”
“As friends?” Lucas whispers, not looking at Eliott.
There’s a pause, and suddenly Lucas doesn’t want to hear. But then Eliott’s fingers are tilting up Lucas’ chin, and Lucas is gazing into Eliott’s eyes, and they’re so warm.
“No. Not as friends.”
“Okay,” Lucas whispers. He feels something whispering in the back of his mind, a strange sort of acceptance trickling in. Maybe, maybe Eliott might like him. And then, “should we watch that movie?”
Eliott looks like he wants to strangle him. And then he laughs, shaking his head. “You win. But only this time, okay?”
- -
Eliott invites Lucas to dinner, and they eat outside underneath the stars, and soon they’re walking back, crossing a bridge. The water laps below them rhythmically, soothingly, and Lucas pauses to peer over the edge.
“See any fish?”
Eliott laughs, amused. “No.”
“That’s because you’re not looking, idiot.”
“I’m looking at you, that’s why.”
Lucas flushes. But the doubt is still so normal, and Lucas pretends that they’re still just friends. “I’m surprised you haven’t started dating anyone,” he manages to bring up, casually. “I thought you always said you wanted to be in a relationship.”
“I do.”
“Then, why –”
“Well, why aren’t you dating anyone?” Eliott presses.
Lucas shrugs, almost regretfully. “I don’t know.”
“See?”
“See, what?”
Eliott rolls his eyes, fondly. “Okay, Lucas? I want to be with someone who knows me better than anyone. With someone who likes the Beatles, and The Clash, and who gets sad drunk at parties.” His eyes widen mid-sentence, almost as if he’s finally realizing the gravity of what he’s saying. His voice turns quiet. “I want to be with someone who talks about parallel universes, and who likes to look at fish even though you can’t see anything during the night.”
Lucas snaps his gaze back to Eliott, mouth open, unable to process anything. “What?”
Eliott smiles, although it’s softer. “Remember what I told you, that other day?”
Lucas nods. He thinks he knows.
“What I said about vinyl records?” Eliott swallows, looking out over the bridge and then at Lucas. “I was always talking about you. It’s always been you, Lucas.”
Lucas feels his heart stop. Feels his eyes widen. He feels so warm, so unbelievably shocked, and he doesn’t understand that Eliott likes him. Eliott likes him. He feels his heart start thrumming and he can’t stop the smile tugging at his lips.
Eliott looks down, biting his lip. “Say something.”
Lucas steps forward, finally allowing himself to gravitate toward Eliott, to finally let himself get pulled in by those blue-gray eyes. And he leans up and kisses him.
Eliott freezes, and Lucas knows when he starts to understand what’s happening. Eliott’s hands frame Lucas’ face, fingers brushing against Lucas’ skin, and then Lucas’ arms are wrapping around Eliott’s neck. When he has to pull away for air, Eliott is smiling, laughing.
“You’re so dumb, Lu. I had to fucking spell everything out for you.”
Lucas kisses him again.