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His hand shakes a bit when he lifts it up to knock at Taehyung’s door. He knows the other one always takes his time after their shows, doesn’t shower or get ready for bed right away, but he doesn’t hear the water running, so he hopes that he estimated the right time to come by. He just had to, he couldn’t let it go uncommented.
Deep down, he knows that Taehyung knows that he loves him. He told him that three times. He has heard the younger confess his love almost every day and it always makes his heart swell up in his chest, makes him feel all warm and fuzzy, but he just can’t say it back every single time, it's too much. But he said it three times already, three awkward times since he never got the timing right, but that’s a story for another day.
So, he knows that Taehyung knows. Why is he still here with the urgent need to apologize?
Maybe he pushed Taehyung away a little bit too forcefully. They were all having fun at this Muster, it’s fun performing in Busan for a change, they’ve never done that before. And they love performing in Korea, fooling around not only on stage but also during the longer breaks between songs, when they can be sure ARMYs will understand their jokes without the need for a translator.
And Taehyung had hugged him in the end. Yes, Yoongi pushed him away. Forcefully. But Taehyung knows that this was just for show, right? They’ve known each other for so long now, have been close and intimate for so long, have shared so many memories, thoughts, so much laughter and so much sorrow, so many days and so many nights. But still, there he is, knocking on the other’s door, feeling the anxiety rise like bile in his throat.
Yoongi hates that he is still so insecure. He’s had so many experiences that have proven it wrong, that have shown clear as day how much he is being cared for, how much he is being supported, how much Taehyung knows and understands him, even though he might not share his worries. But he still finds himself here, at the bottom of this rollercoaster called his confidence in himself and his relationships again and again.
Insecurity.
The root of all evil. Making him ask himself those questions –
Is he too much?
Is he a burden to others with his antics, with his quirks?
Will others still like him when he dares to be his true self?
With all his emotional baggage?
Will others accept the sides of him that are not pleasant to see, hard to overcome and time-consuming to battle?
Sometimes, it feels like those thoughts are crushing him from inside, like he's drowning in them, and sometimes it's easy to push them away with all the good things, with all the happy thoughts.
In the end, it’s about him loving himself despite all of this. No, him loving himself with all his quirks and negative sides. He knows that, too. But on days like these, it’s Taehyung’s opinion that matters most, that makes his hand shake as he brings it down and waits for the door to open.
Taehyung has not showered yet as he still is in the clothes he put on when they left the venue. The worn-out hoodie swallows his frame entirely and makes him look childish, younger. He is tired and sweaty, and has some food smeared across his left cheek. Apparently Yoongi interrupted his late dinner.
“Hyung, I didn’t expect you, did you want to eat together? I’m sorry, I already started, I –“
“Taehyung-ah”, he interrupts, his voice cracking on the last syllable, so he coughs.
“Taehyung-ah, I already ate, don’t worry, I just wanted to talk, let hyung in, will you?”
The younger one saunters back into the room while Yoongi carefully closes the door behind him. When he turns back around, Taehyung has already turned his chair around so that he can face Yoongi if he sits on the bed. Yoongi sits down, pulls the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands, a gesture that has provided him with comfort since as early as he can remember.
“Hyung, what’s on your mind?” Taehyung’s voice snaps him out of his trance.
“I –“, his voice cracks again. He just needs to get this apology out, can his body please cooperate?
“I’m sorry, Taehyung-ah. For earlier.”
He glances at the other, but Taehyung just looks… Confused?
“For pushing you away. When… When you were trying to hug me.”
Yoongi looks back down at his hands, it’s easier. He feels the bed dipping next to him and then Taehyung is there, taking his hand and holding it between his own, carefully, like it’s precious.
“Hyung.” Oh, how he loves hearing that word spoken with this deep voice.
“Hyung, there’s nothing to apologize for. I know you love my hugs and I know you just play up on stage. Are you really that worried about it?”
“I just… I’m just so weird, Taehyung-ah, I’m a lot of work, I’m always making a fuss out of the simplest things and I’m always giving you a hard time and pushing you away and you deserve so much better, I –“
Taehyung’s hand feels soft against his lips as he puts it there to stop his rambling, and Taehyung’s light chuckle feels like honey, and the way the other leans into him feels like coming home.
“Hyung. I love you. The whole of you, the whole deal. The stuff that makes you different, the quirks, the difficulties, all that’s included. And I’m not having a hard time, you are not a burden. This is part of our relationship, we share our worries and sorrows because it’s easier to bear them together. We support each other and look out for each other. And most importantly, we try our best to understand and respect each other for who we are. You are not pushing me away, hyung. At least not by playing the unaffectionate, grumpy grinch on stage. It’ll take a lot more than that to get rid of me.”
Yoongi can practically hear the smile at the last sentences. He breathes out, only now realizing that he had been holding his breath.
He squeezes the other’s hand that's still holding his own, and looks at them when he says, “Sometimes, we just need to hear those words out loud. And by we, I – I mean me. I’m sorry, Taehyung-ah –“
“You never listen to me, I said stop apologizing!”
Yoongi looks up. Taehyung still has sauce smeared over his cheek, and it kind of clashes with the serious tone he is going for and the earnest with which he is scrunching up his eyebrows.
“What’s so funny, hyung?”
“You have – let me just –“
He gets up to take a napkin from the table and gently wipes the sauce off. They stand like that for a moment, Taehyung sitting on the bed, Yoongi standing between his legs, napkin crumpled in his fist.
It’s Yoongi who reaches out, who wraps his arms around the other, slowly, as if fast movements could ruin the sentiment. Taehyung let’s him take control, let’s him take what he needs. It’s an awkward angle, but that doesn’t matter. It’s them, trying to understand, trying to accept, trying to love each other. What matters is this, what happens off camera, off stage – it’s them, that matter.