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After fumbling around in the darkness, Charlie slammed his hand down on top of his alarm clock to stop the incessant droning. He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling, allowing the feeling of dread to slowly wash over him. His suit was pressed and hanging neatly on the wardrobe door. His gift was bought and wrapped expertly and left on the dining room table. Next to him, the invitation lay where he had left it last night after staring at it for far too long. ‘Save the date!’its bold title reminded him, ‘Your presence is requested for the marriage of Justin Bancroft and Emmeline Shaw’.
Charlie tossed the invitation across the room and bit at his bottom lip to stop the quivering. As tears filled his eyes, he went back to staring at the ceiling in the hope it would give him the answers he was searching for. He couldn’t notgo – he needed to go. Justin would be expecting Charlie there to laugh as he stumbled through his vows and cheer as he kissed his betrothed. He should go. If only to help him process the reality of the situation.
Justin was getting married. Today. To a girl he didn’t love.
I am not the kind of girl
Who should be rudely bargin' in on a white veil occasion
But you are not the kind of boy
Who should be marryin' the wrong girl...
Finally, hours after his alarm, Charlie dragged himself out of bed and into a shower. Barely feeling the too-hot water cascading down his skin, Charlie began to think back to the moment he was introduced to Justin’s bride-to-be – Emmie.
Try to like her, he told himself, if Justin likes her, she must be nice. But she proved to be very difficult to like.
Charlie nodded in approval when her large, sparkly engagement ring was thrust into his face; gritted his teeth when she declared not once, not twice, but three times that the realwedding ring was of course the Bancroft heirloom. Sure, she was pretty. Beautiful even. But she was too loud and spoke over Justin every second sentence. She didn’t laugh at Justin’s jokes, but laughed too loud at inappropriate moments. Charlie definitely didn’t miss the pained smile Justin wore when she snapped her fingers to gain the attention of their waitstaff, which made him wonder if she was frequently rude. She was constantly plastered to Justin’s side, who seemed to breathe a sigh of relief when she finally left to “powder her nose”.
Charlie had quizzed Justin, of course. He asked all the questions that had been pulsing his mind, but Justin disputed all of his claims. I’m happy, he reassured Charlie, my parents are happy. We’re getting married. Charlie reached across the table and took Justin’s hand in his, choosing to ignore the way Justin tried to recoil, and stared deep into his friends’ blue eyes.
“You can tell me, Justin. Just say the word and I’ll fix this. I…you know how much I lo-”
Justin pulled his hand away sharply and shook his head slightly at Charlie just as Emmeline returned to the table, her too-pink lipstick reapplied in a thick layer.
“We can’t wait to have you at the wedding! Right babe?”she declared happily.
Justin swallowed thickly and eventually drew his eyes away from Charlie’s, “Right, my princess.”
Charlie wanted to look away as they kissed: didn’t want to watch the way she took control of their kiss too quickly or the way her lipstick smeared across his face. But he couldn’t. The lingering taste of wine turned sour on his palette and their meal swirled nauseatingly in his stomach before they finally parted. Charlie shoved it down however and smiled gently at the couple as they turned to him post-kiss.
Despite his breaking heart; despite the missing sparkle of happiness in Justin’s eyes; and despite his every instinct screaming at him to do something, Charlie raised his glass to them both.
“Well, I’m happy for you both. And I’d be delighted to attend.”
Even the pounding shower stream wouldn’t let Charlie ignore his tears.
I sneak in and see your friends
And her snotty little family, all dressed in pastel
And she is yelling at a bridesmaid
Somewhere back inside a room
Wearing a gown shaped like a pastry
This is surely not what you thought it would be
I lose myself in a daydream
Where I stand and say
Charlie stood in front of the mirror, repeatedly grabbing the ends of his tie and twirling them around his fingers until it slid to his top button, only for him to sigh and tug it free again. And again, and again.
A thousand images flashed through Charlie’s mind as he dressed in his tux, sending him into emotional overload. Justin’s bright smile, his laugh and the way his entire body would practically vibratewhen he got hysterical; the way he would always have enough energy to rival a Windsor. How handsome he looked at their prom, deep navy suit and pure white boutonniere the perfect contrast to Charlie’s. The way their bodies slotted perfectly together as the grew closer with every dance.
Quiet weekends spent cuddled together in privacy as rain pattered against the window. The cheeky smirk Justin would wear whenever his hand found Charlie’s under the desk as they studied in the library, always discrete regardless of who they were with. The different, softer smile Justin would give Charlie whenever they were alone; giving so much of himself in those moments that Charlie would forget how to breathe.
How could he have let this happen?
"Don't say yes, run away now
I'll meet you when you're out
Of the church at the back door
Don't wait or say a single vow
You need to hear me out"
And they said, "speak now"
Meeting up with his old friends would distract him, Charlie told himself. He would focus on their lives, their careers, and move conversation on whenever questions were asked about his own. He missed them – it would be fine.
Except it wasn’t.
The key part of this situation that Charlie seemed to be missing was of course the most vital – all of his old friends were in couples. Kurt and Blaine; Spencer and Merril; Reed and Shane; David and Katherine. Julian and Logan were officially there together. Heck, even Dwight had brought a date. He was happy for them all of course, had grown with these boys and watched them and their relationships blossom. But it was still a bitter pill to swallow on what was already a nauseating day.
They kept conversation light. Talked about Julian’s upcoming movie and Reed’s new clothing line; Merril’s flower hobby and Blaine’s new teaching programme, but things inevitably drifted toward the wedding and their thoughts of the soon-to-be-wed couple.
“I wonder what her dress will be like!” Kurt commented excitedly.
“Oh well I heard it was an Alexander McQueen design, but there are also rumours of it being a vintage number.” Reed replied, taking to his napkin to sketch an outline.
“I hope the food’s good…” David absently commented.
Charlie unintentionally zoned out of the conversation, preferring to stare into the endless vortex of his whiskey glass instead. While he was aware of both Dwight and Julian repeatedly glancing his way, he opted not to look up and meet their sorrowful gazes.
“So Charlie,” he heard Shane say, “You looking forward to the ceremony?”
Deciding to ignore the elbow Blaine threw into Shane’s ribs, Charlie steadied himself, plastered a winning smile on his face and nodded up the table at them all. “I’m sure it will be a beautiful day for them.”
This time he didn’t look away when Julian passed a small but knowing smile his way.
Fond gestures are exchanged
And the organ starts to play
A song that sounds like a death march
And I am hiding in the curtains
It seems I was uninvited by your lovely bride-to-be
She floats down the aisle like a pageant queen
But I know you wish it was me
You wish it was me, don't you?
On approach to the church, Charlie was struck with just how well-off the Bancroft’s were. The building was huge: ancient walls towering high and topped with intricately crafted steeples, the stain glass windows casting a rainbow of colours onto the ground before them. There was a grand staircase leading up to impossibly huge wooden doors, and every step of the way was lined with symmetrical bouquets of flowers.
It was perfect.
His friends excitedly hurried off to the photographer who was already snapping photos as more and more guests arrived, hoping for that one perfect shot to mark the day. Charlie hung back and fought down the urge to vomit. It wasn’t just the feelings brought on by being here on Justin’s wedding day. It was the overwhelming feeling that nothing about this was what Justin wanted: the flowers weren’t his favourite, there were too many people milling around, the red carpet leading from the fountain to the front doors was just tacky. When he and Justin had described their wedding days, within the warm safety of their bedsheets, the ceremonies had been small, classic affairs with minimal fuss and maximum happiness. The décor screamed Bancroftalright, but not Justin.
The memory of being wrapped in Justin’s arms discussing their hopes and dreams for the future proved to be too much for Charlie, as he only just made it to a nearby bush to hurl up the contents of his stomach. He coughed and spluttered, and tears streamed his face as he struggled to regain control. Charlie could feel judging eyes on him when he finally managed to straighten himself up but couldn’t find it within him to care. He took a long, shuddering breath and fixed his suit, preparing to join the line of guests filing into the hall.
I can do this, Charlie told himself. I can do this.
“You know,” a voice came from behind him, making Charlie stop and turn, “You don’t have to do this.”
“What’s that supposed to mean, Larson?”
Julian chuckled and wandered over to stand by Charlie, “All this time and you still can’t call me by my first name.” he twirled a flower plucked from one of the bouquets as he spoke. “What I was trying to say is, you don’t have to go inside. You can leave. I have to admit I was surprised to even see you given the…situation.”
Julian’s pity tasted sour on his tongue. Or maybe it was residual vomit. “I have to go. He…he needs me there. I’m supposed to be there for him.”
“But what do you need?” Julian said. When Charlie didn’t respond, Julian continued, “Look, I’m not trying to talk you in or out of going, that’s entirely your decision. I just think you should be putting yourself first in this situation – speaking from experience.”
Charlie watched a strange look fall over Julian’s face as he tossed the now petal-less flower into the fountain. From the corner of his eye, he caught sight of Logan hovering nearby, a curious on his face. “What would you do if you were in this situation?”
“I’m assuming setting the building on fire isn’t an option?” Julian quipped with a playful smirk. “Honestly? I don’t know how you’re staying in one piece. You’re already handling this situation much better than I would. Trust your gut.”
Charlie nodded, mostly to himself, as Julian moved to leave. “Thank you, Julian.”
“Just don’t do anything toodramatic. I don’t want you stealing my spotlight.”
Don't say yes, run away now
I'll meet you when you're out
Of the church at the back door
Don't wait or say a single vow
Your time is running out
And they said, "speak now"
The Church bells changed their tune, signalling the beginning of the ceremony and causing the last remaining guests to hurry inside, their extravagant hats and coattails flapping behind them. And yet Charlie remained sitting on the stone bench located inside the hedge maze (who has a hedge maze at their wedding?), thinking too much and acting too little. Charlie leaned on his knees and rested his head in his hands, trying to weigh up the pros and cons to this unimaginable situation.
“Pros,” Charlie muttered quietly to himself, somehow thinking that if he said it aloud things would make more sense, “I go in, take a seat, and watch Justin be happy. I like seeing Justin happy. I can be with my friends. Can get drunk at the reception. Hopefully get to mock his terribly cheesy vows. Speak to him after. Hug him. Tell him…”
Charlie faltered. Tell him what, exactly? That you love him and don’t want him to live this life?
“He would hate me. Cons, then: I don’t go in, and there’s no temptation to tell him anything. Don’t have to see him kiss her or dance or do any of the things we used to do. Don’t have to see him fake his emotions. But if I don’tgo in there…he’ll hate me.”
Charlie threw his head back and wished he could scream. Scream at the sky until he was hoarse and raw. Maybe then he would feel better. Julian was right – he should go with his gut because regardless of his decision, Justin would probably hate him.
If only I knew what Justin was thinking…
But he doesn’t know. Doesn’t and probably never will. So he leaves.
The twists and turns of the maze mocked him as he walked away from the person he loves most in the world.
I hear the preacher say
"Speak now or forever hold your peace"
There's a silence, there's my last chance
I stand up with shaking hands
All eyes on me
Horrified looks from everyone in the room
But I'm only lookin' at you
From their place in the pews in the midst of the variety of wedding guests, the boys of Dalton-past shared fond looks with each other as Justin took his place at the altar. They sent smiles and gestures of encouragement when he found them in the crowd, his grin dazzling as usual, even if there was something different in his eyes. The moment Justin realised someone was missing from his line-up of special guests was evident however, even if only to those who knew why. Justin’s eyes scanned the area surrounding them multiple times before his entire presence visibly sagged. Blaine smiled sadly at the former Hanover Prefect and gave a small shrug.
Justin squared his shoulders and forced a smile onto his face just as the organ started and the guests rose to their feet. As the stereotypical music began, Justin’s bride greeted her guests with what could only be described as a smug smile. She looked beautiful, of course, her pure white gown hugging her body and flaring out at the bottom into a train of lace that went on and on as she walked the aisle.
Reed audibly gasped and clung onto Kurt’s arm as Emmie passed by them, “Oh my goodness, she looks incredible! Look at that lace, the detail on her veil! And are those…diamonds?!”
“Probably fake.” Logan quipped under his breath, earning him some stern shushes and glares from the prestigious guests around him.
As Emmie reached the steps to the altar, Justin descended them to take her hand and lead her to their spots in front of the hundreds of guests. The Minister welcomed everyone, gave a brief spiel on mannersand ceremony etiquette, and without further ado, the ceremony began.
“He looks so nervous. I couldn’t imagine being him right now.” Shane whispered.
“Oh, I remember it fondly.” Blaine said, linking his ring-clad hand with Kurt’s. The two shared a soft look before Kurt continued, “Better get used to the idea of it, it’ll be you next.”
“I’d say he’s more than nervous. He looks dam right uncomfortable.” Spencer said.
“He looks upset. Not how you should look on your wedding day in my opinion.” Julian chimed in.
Ignoring how red he had turned, Reed shushed them all and gestured forward, “They’re starting the vows!”
The couple took each other’s hands and stepped closer together. There was a slight delay as they decided who was to go first, and as Emmie’s bridesmaid fumbled to find her vows. The Dalton guests couldn’t help but notice the furious, impatient expression on her face as she waited, and the awkward, uncomfortable look on Justin’s. Eventually the ceremony continued, and Emmie flawlessly performed her vows. The crowd laughed, gasped and awedon cue throughout the whole thing, and were left dabbing at their eyes following her.
“Gross.” Someone along their line said once it was over.
Justin slipped his notes out of his pocket next and stared down at them for a long moment.
“Mr Bancroft?” the Minister prompted, bringing Justin out of his daze.
“Right. Sorry.” Justin said, shifting from one foot to the other. His gaze flicked between his cards, his bride and his friends in their seats a few times. He pulled at his collar and cleared his throat, visibly uncomfortable. “Should have practiced this more, I guess.”
The crowd laughed at Justin’s awkward smile, lifting some of the awkwardness that had descended. “Whenever you’re ready.”
“Yes. I know. I just…” Justin’s eyes flicked to the space where Charlie should be sitting one more time. “Nothing.”
So don't say yes, run away now
I'll meet you when you're out
Of the church at the back door
Don't wait or say a single vow
You need to hear me out
And they said, "speak now"
Justin stuttered through his vows, stopping multiple times to clear his throat or look out into the crowd. His friends looked on, concerned at his obvious discomfort and the apparent lack of care from anyone else in the room. As he reached the finale, Justin came to a complete halt. His hands shook and he tried to force himself to continue, but the words just wouldn’t form.
“For you I…I…”
And then, from the back of the precious Church, the hundred-year-old oak doors swung open with enough dramatic force to rival that of Julian Larson.
“Wait!”
And you say, "let's run away now
I'll meet you when I'm out of my tux at the back door
Oh baby, I didn't say my vow
So glad you were around when they said, "speak now"
*