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Soft, warm, and pleasant is what Kokichi thinks Shuchi's face would feel like, the face he'll never have the joy of ever physically touching the way he wants- the way he wants to be touched too. To be shown he is loved. To be bathed in the warmth of Shuichi's unattainable affection.
It's bittersweet to have Shuichi think of Kokichi as a friend, maybe Kokichi misses when he was once deemed a nuisance by the other, when Shuichi didn't have this closeness to Kokichi like he does now. Smiles where never aimed directly at the shorter male, no one but DICE respected him or cared for him. But these feelings aren't like what be had for DICE. These are rooted far too deep to discard or destroy. Emotions too powerful to overcome. 'I'll always love you.' reverberates inside his brain.
Kokichi is far too scared to voice it. Love will rot what it grasps.
Its painful sometimes- looking at Shuichi. It's like oxygen is being squeezed from him as his heart is tarnished inside and out, a sickness breaking his whole being down into dust and viscera. Why hasn't Kokichi cut ties with him? This can't be healthy can it? Looking at someone and wanting them to see you exactly how you see them?
Love will bring heartache and proof that people are but lifeless glass pawns made to break.
He can't bring himself to abolish these feelings or leave Shuichi. He's all Kokichi will see. It feels so nice speaking to the soon-to-be detective, it stings too. Always wanting to be in Shuichi's line of sight, but knowing Shuchi's heart doesn't yearn for Kokichi. This understanding of Shuichi's probable lack of mutual attraction to Kokichi makes it disorienting to hold a conversation. Dissociation takes the wheel of the purple haired man, driving him to feel more like an observer to their talks than someone important rather than participating in them.
It's selfish of Kokichi to want something more. Relationships only give you pain, right? Only take away what you worked so hard for? He'd never want to give Shuichi that pain and he'd want to be killed if he himself had to inflict that pain on him. Have Shuichi take the dagger he would use to break his heart and kill him with the physical variation of it.
Shuichi is all he can see. All he can view.
Kokichi's body burns as if it's being corroded by acid.
He'll go on like this if it means Shuichi will never get hurt by him.
Shuichi doesn't deserve the heartbreak love brings.