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Professor Xavier liked his coffee with lots of milk and sweetener. Gray learned the exact measurements within a couple days of being at the CDC, and soon he was bringing Xavier coffee every morning, bright and early. Xavier seemed to appreciate the gesture; he smiled every time despite the sadness in his eyes.
Gray walked in one morning and Xavier was already hard at work. He was alone in the lab, which wasn’t uncommon; sometimes if Xavier needed help he’d bring in a couple others, especially if he’d hit a dead end in his work, but usually the other scientists worked elsewhere. Gray didn’t know why exactly, but he had a feeling they were letting him grieve.
“Coffee, Professor,” Gray said, carrying Xavier’s mug in one hand and his own in the other. Xavier perked up and smiled the way he did, but there were bags under his eyes and his hair was messy. Gray stared for a while as Xavier gently took his coffee out of Gray’s hand and took a sip, his dark blue eyes inquisitive.
“Am I that breathtaking or do I just look completely exhausted,” Xavier droned, raising an eyebrow. Gray shook his head and stuttered.
“No, Professor, you look-- you-- I mean you’re a bit--”
“I know I look like shit, I’m messing with you. I’ve been up all night, I thought I had an idea.” Xavier took another sip, his eyes darkening. “Didn’t pan out.”
“I’m sorry,” Gray said, frowning. “But shouldn’t you stop drinking coffee and go to sleep?” He set down his mug and took Xavier’s back. Xavier glared at Gray’s hands but when he looked up at Gray’s face he softened.
“I, I guess, that would be wise, but I figured I’d push it a bit more to make up for the time I lost. And I’d hate for the coffee you made for me to go to waste,” he said. Gray was unconvinced.
“No more all nighters, for anyone. I’ve been here two weeks and I’ve noticed a bit of that with the scientists here. I don’t like it,” he ordered, his voice firm. Xavier gazed sleepily up at him, cracking a smile.
“You’re nice. Fine, you got me, I’ll go.” Xavier took his lab coat off and draped it over his arm. He started to leave, but hesitated and looked back at the door. “Major. Um, thanks,” he managed, fake-saluting. Gray saluted back, feeling himself smirk. Xavier snickered at him and left the lab.
----
Gray and Xavier talked sometimes. Their conversations were natural, drifting from topic to topic with ease. As a month passed since he arrived, he contributed more and more. Soon enough he was telling long stories, Xavier listening along eagerly, like he’d been waiting for a good story.
“When I was in Greenfield, I found these kids. Mostly in their twenties, except one. He was almost certainly younger than that, seventeen, eighteen maybe? I don’t remember which of those he said when I asked.” Xavier frowned at that. The younger ones always made him frown, and there was a certain look he got, a look that was almost like guilt; invasive, eating away from the inside out.
It didn’t help when Gray got up and held his hand at where he remembered this boy’s height being. “Five one? Really short. But he was, he was the nicest. And their leader. He was their leader,” he said, and Xavier took a long sip of his coffee.
“I hate this,” Xavier spat. “I hate that this happened. I hate that I let--” he stopped short and shut his eyes. “I hate that this happened.”
Gray wanted to comfort him. “It really is awful isn’t it. But don’t blame yourself, for any of it. The disease moved faster than anyone could have predicted, from what I heard, it was just-- bad luck. Really really bad luck,” he said, and Xavier looked at him, wide eyed.
“You mean you don’t--” Xavier paused, seeming at a loss for words. All he could do was scoff and rub his arms. “Bad luck, huh.”
Gray didn’t press the issue, he just sat in silence with Xavier for a moment, mourning the loss of lives and childhoods.
“What was his name?” Xavier finally asked, and Gray perked up.
“Nick Lynx. And he was with some others. Real characters, all of them,” Gray laughed, and he shook his head at the memory. “They’ll protect him with their lives, I figured they’d all do fine without me.”
Xavier smiled. “You miss them,” he said. Gray couldn’t help but smile and nod; Xavier had a way of getting the truth out of him. “Aww, you’re such a sweetheart, y’know. No matter how much you pretend not to be.”
“Not true,” Gray huffed, but he was grinning.
----
There was something, someone that Xavier knew, but he wouldn’t say anything about any of it to Gray. It was as if the thing, the name, hurt to mention. Gray was so shocked at how quickly it shut Xavier up when he asked, “Who are the other doctors listed here by the lab door?”
Xavier glanced at the plastic plaque in question, like he’d forgotten about it. There was a sudden fierceness in his eyes, like whenever they spoke about the disease.
“I’m so sorry,” Gray backtracked almost immediately after he asked. Xavier looked down at his hands, still quiet. Gray bit his lip and cussed himself out inside his head.
There was a gap in Xavier’s stories that Gray had begun to notice. It bled into his time at the CDC before the outbreak, leaving around six years that Gray knew nothing of. Xavier avoided mentioning this time like the plague, dodging questions effortlessly, always with a fake half-smile. Not this time.
“You don’t have to-- you don’t have to say a word, Xavier,” Gray said, placing a soft hand on Xavier’s shoulder. Xavier leaned into the touch, just slightly. “But I’m here if you need to talk about anything. Anything at all.”
“No, I’m-- fine. It’s fine, I’m fine. It’s in the past, anyway, he’s-- it’s in the past,” Xavier finally said, but the rage and guilt rooted deep in his gaze said otherwise. “It’s all said and done.”
Gray nodded solemnly. “You can’t change the past, I know that all too well. But you can do what you can now, for the future, y’know?”
Xavier looked Gray in the eyes and said, “I’m starting to fear that I can’t do anything for the future either.”
The words hung heavy in the air, and Gray rubbed Xavier’s shoulder as the tired professor buried his head in his arms.
Later, Gray asked the other scientists who Jin Huang and Ross Botts, the other names on the plaque, were. None of them said a word.
----
“No, both hands on the gun.”
“Both?”
“Do you doubt me?”
Xavier smirked and shook his head. He let Gray position his hands correctly on the pistol and kick his legs into the correct stance.
“Can’t believe you never learned to shoot,” Gray mumbled, and Xavier rolled his eyes, shifting his feet and trying to aim at the makeshift person Gray had drawn on a big slab of wood.
“I knew enough to use it if I absolutely needed to,” Xavier grumbled, his eyes flashing to the past for a moment. Gray bent his legs and peered over Xavier’s shoulder.
“See those little things on the barrel of the gun, sticking up? Use those to--”
“Aim?” Xavier pulled the trigger, and the shot made them both flinch. Gray shouted and took the gun from Xavier’s hands.
“Xavier! I wasn’t done talking!” Gray yelled, turning the pistol’s safety on. Xavier’s eyes were wide, and he held his hands in front of him like they were contaminated. “Don’t shoot before I say you can, Jesus Christ!”
Xavier opened his mouth, offended. “I got the gist, and you were just talking to me like I was five years old and I just--”
“You’ve never shot a gun before, I wanted to be thorough! The walker got you, by the way, you panicked because you didn’t anticipate the kick and you missed its head. You’re dead, or infected,” Gray explained, pointing at the wood slab. There was a bullet hole just grazing the top of the outline’s head. “The worst damage you did was a bad haircut.”
“Which can be deadly. To your social life,” Xavier added, reaching out for his pistol. “Hey, Gray, I’m sorry, I promise I’ll listen this time.”
Gray glared, but handed the pistol back to Xavier. The professor got back into position, aiming at the target’s head. “There’s recoil,” Gray said. “As you just felt. You have to be prepared for it, hence your,” he had Xavier inch his left foot over a bit, “stance.”
“Okay,” Xavier said, slowly. “Hey Gray? I want to ask you something.”
“Shoot,” Gray joked, and Xavier laughed, lowering the gun a bit. Gray liked it when he smiled. But it was brief.
“Alright then. How many close calls have you had?”
Gray tilted his head. “What do you… what do you mean.”
Xavier glanced at Gray, and Gray saw the fear. “I mean, to death. By walkers, I mean, you’re a pretty strong guy, very skilled, and I don’t doubt your abilities. But you said you were alone for a while. One man is nothing against a horde in Atlanta,” Xavier rambled, seeming distant. A gust of wind made him shiver; it was still cold on the east coast.
Gray hummed and thought about it for a moment. “They tend to blend together,” he said after a while, messing with his hands. “Definitely, um, definitely a fair amount. But! I haven’t died yet, right? And now I’d like to say I’m as safe as I can be.”
Xavier tried to smile. “We are pretty safe here, aren’t we?”
“We can’t let our guard down. But, we are well off. With, all our supplies, barricades, and, everything.”
“And with people like you,” Xavier added, smiling wider, and Gray almost could have mistaken it for flirting. He laughed a bit, waving Xavier off. He shouldn’t think of such things, not here, not anymore.
“Come on now, Professor, get back into position,” Gray said, nudging Xavier’s arms back up. Xavier dropped his goofy grin and trained his eyes on the target, aiming accurately. He looked like he was concentrating, his gaze intense. Gray watched him as he narrowed his eyes in the slightest, channeling something. Anger, maybe? “Go ahead.”
Xavier fired the gun, shutting his eyes tight and flinching in the slightest as the shot echoed across the open courtyard. Gray sighed at that, but it would be a lesson for next time. Xavier opened one eye, then the other, shifting the gun to the side to see how he did. He let out a breathy laugh and turned to Gray, pointing the pistol right at the Major’s feet.
“WOAH! Safety on, X!” Gray exclaimed, stepping back. Xavier blinked and snorted at his mistake, correcting it quickly.
“Sorry! But hey, I did good, huh!” Xavier patted Gray’s arm and pointed to the target. Gray finally tore his eyes away from Xavier to see it. There was a bullet through the head of the outline, still a bit high, but still fatal. Gray stepped closer, put a hand on Xavier’s back, and kept it there.
“Oh, wow,” he mumbled, and Xavier threw an arm around his broad shoulders.
“Ready for a supply run!” Xavier joked, and for some reason, the thought made Gray’s next breath ragged.
“No.” Gray backed away, feeling Xavier’s hand slipping away. Xavier looked at him, frowning, confused.
“It was a joke, Gray.”
Gray blinked a couple times, nodding. “I, I know. Just, get back inside, soon, alright?” He turned around and put a hand to the back of his neck, marching around to the back and feeling like a child. He noticed a few walkers on the other side of the fence they’d put up, stumbling towards him as he approached. “Safe,” he whispered, feeling the heavy weight of the gun on his back. He ripped it off, held it tight, and fired off a couple rounds at the walkers. He never flinched.
----
Xavier’s fingertips touched Gray’s when he reached for his coffee. They were cold, and Gray nearly slipped off his jacket to offer Xavier. He decided against it, figuring the coffee would warm him up.
“How are you?” Gray asked, and Xavier raised his eyebrows mid-sip.
“Mmm,” Xavier lowered his mug, “fine, maybe just a bit, um, cramped.”
“Cramped?” Gray tilted his head. “Can I help?”
Xavier just shrugged. “Never mind, you wouldn’t like what I’d ask,” he muttered, and Gray frowned at him.
“Try me.”
Xavier stared, and gave in, his shoulders slumping. “I haven’t left the CDC since it was fortified, I just, I was kind of wondering if I could, I mean, just maybe, go outside?” Gray’s gaze sharpened. “Just for a little while! I lived here a long time, I know where I’d want to walk, I’d keep myself out of trouble.”
“Xavier, absolutely not, I’m not jeopardizing your life like that,” Gray snapped, harsher than he realized. Xavier took a deep breath; it was clear he anticipated this.
“Worth a shot.” Xavier took his coffee and went back to his desk, picking up a pencil and getting back to work. Gray stood there, silent, as Xavier sipped his coffee, hunched over some equations. Gray couldn’t imagine what it was like, being cooped up inside for that long. Maybe he took supply runs for granted.
Gray cussed. “Fine,” he hissed. Xavier smirked, dropping his pencil. “Finish your coffee, then meet me in the armory, bring your pistol, it’s the only thing you know how to use.”
Xavier stood up and approached Gray, hugging him tightly. Gray sighed and returned the embrace, awkwardly patting Xavier’s back.
--
“Okay,” Gray grumbled, adjusting Xavier’s bullet proof vest.
“A bit excessive, I think,” Xavier said, and Gray shook his head.
“You can never be too careful. Pull the hood up higher, cover your neck,” he ordered, and Xavier fussed with his hoodie. “Stay close to me, you understand?”
“Yes, Major, I understand,” Xavier droned, rolling his eyes. “Just a couple blocks! Everything will be just fine, I promise.”
Gray sighed and lead the way out into the courtyard, Xavier tailing closely as instructed. The marines guarding the front exchanged looks as Gray nodded to them. The door opened, and Gray stepped out first. Xavier hesitated, but stepped out, taking a deep breath and putting a hand on Gray’s bicep.
“It’s a nice, clear day, see?” Xavier motioned to the empty streets. Gray huffed and surveyed the area as he followed Xavier.
“Where are we going?” Gray asked, and Xavier shrugged.
“On a stroll,” he hummed. Being outside seemed to make him happy, and Gray was glad for that at least. They walked side by side, Xavier turning to Gray and smiling at him every couple minutes. After a while Gray started smiling back.
“I’d stop by this coffee place before I got to work, but then my friend, Jin, starting working at the CDC too and he’d get my coffee for me. I owed him a bunch of money, all the time,” Xavier explained, walking a bit ahead to get to the coffee shop quicker. Gray let out a quiet gasp as Xavier kept talking, finally mentioning that six year period that was previously off limits. “He was twenty three, and already in his third year of grad school, can you believe that? Poor kid. A big ball of stress, that one.”
Gray hummed, walking slow. “So young.”
“Oh my god, he had this mouse, it was the cutest little thing, I went to his apartment once and I got to hold him. He bit me.” Xavier leaned on the open doorway to the shop, and Gray chuckled, standing back to admire him. “I like remembering the good times. Like, Jin would get coffee for the receptionist, too, his name was Francis. He was a really nice boy, he’d come all the way up to say goodbye before he left at the end of the day, because usually the three of us were working late. Me, Jin, and--” he stalled, the name catching in his throat again. Gray was so entranced, so ready to finally hear it, that he barely noticed the movement behind Xavier.
“XAVIER MOVE!” Gray pointed his gun, and Xavier dove to one side of the doorway. He flinched as Gray fired at a walker that had been right behind him, hiding his face. Gray ran up to Xavier and touched his back with a gentle hand. “Hey,” he said softly. Xavier pushed himself off the wall and into Gray’s outstretched arm, looking back at the body sprawled out on the ground. “Don’t look. Xavier--”
“I knew her,” Xavier said, stepping closer. He pointed. “She had the morning shift, she knew my name. Elaine, hers was Elaine.”
Gray tried to pull Xavier back to him, but he dodged. The Professor put a hand on his head and gripped his hair. “God dammit. God fucking dammit, I couldn’t stop it,” he hissed, stumbling back. Gray watched warily, his arm still held out to Xavier. “The motherfucker. The motherfucker! GOD DAMMIT ROSS!”
Gray stared, wide eyed, as Xavier seethed. “Jin left to DC, and I don’t blame him. I don’t even know why I stayed, what my little head start would’ve done, I just, I had hope back then. I had hope back then. But then countries fell. And we couldn’t stop the outbreak that Ross caused, none of us could. DC was overrun.”
Gray started to put the pieces together.
“It’s almost silly to think that a man could’ve caused all this. But then again the idiots wrecked the earth plenty, imagine what a genius could do.”
“Ross,” Gray mumbled, his chest tight. “That Doctor Ross on the plaque by the lab door--”
“Was it bad luck, you said?” Xavier scoffed. “I never should’ve come out here.”
“Xavier--”
“Let’s go.” Xavier grabbed Gray’s wrist and pulled him back towards the CDC.
--
When Xavier walked into the lab, Gray was waiting there, leaning against the table. Xavier sighed.
“I have a lot of explaining to do, don’t I?” he said. His hair was damp and neatly combed; he’d taken a shower.
“Actually I just wanted to see if you were okay,” Gray corrected, and Xavier slipped on his lab coat.
“I’m fine. I’ve seen a walker, as you call them, before. There’s one right there.” Xavier pointed lazily to the cage where they kept a specimen.
“Behind bars. That was a close call, Xavier, you’re not a little rattled?” Gray pushed himself off the table, and Xavier shrugged.
“I am, I’m just-- I’ve been in worse situations, I guess I’d say,” he hummed, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’ll be back to normal by tomorrow, I have to be.”
“This is all a lot more personal to you than I thought.”
“Gray, I’m forty, I think I can handle myself. Ross was,” Xavier sighed, “Ross was horrifying. I don’t particularly feel like telling the whole story right now. All you need to know is he caused the outbreak and you better not tell anyone else. I never really wanted you to know about it.”
“Why not?” Gray asked, a hand on Xavier’s shoulder.
“Because I finally found someone who doesn’t look at me like-- like that,” Xavier said, waving at Gray’s face. Gray glanced away, feeling bad. “You were heaven sent, you talked to me like a normal person, shame on me for wanting to keep that.”
“I’m sorry. I know that feeling, alright? We don’t have to talk about anything you don’t like, and I’ll work on my stupid face,” Gray said, and Xavier giggled a little.
“Your face isn’t stupid,” Xavier said, gazing at the face in question. “And I mean, I can talk about Ross, I just have a feeling you want to know absolutely everything and, ugh, it’s so much.”
Gray shook his head. “I want to know absolutely nothing about Ross. But, you should talk about the good days. I do want to know more about your friends, and all that. I like it when we talk, believe it or not, and you have good stories.” The corners of Gray’s mouth twitched upward. “What was the mouse’s name?”
Xavier smiled so sincerely it made Gray melt. “Ji. I thought it was hilarious Jin named him that. Oh! I need to tell you about the time I met Jin’s mom, too!” he rambled, pushing Gray out of the lab in front of him. “And let’s go get some coffee.”
“I think you’ve had enough coffee, Professor,” Gray said, and Xavier feigned an offended glare. Gray scoffed, Xavier snorted, and then they were laughing together as they walked through the halls.