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Dean sat on the edge of his bed, head in his hands. A couple of hunting rifles lay to the right of him. He was taking apart his guns and putting them back together slowly. He’d told himself it was just to inspect them, to make sure they worked well enough for the fight that lay ahead. But he knew somewhere in the back of his mind that it was because he was stressed. Whenever something was on his mind, whenever there was something causing him unease, he’d come back to this. It was surprisingly calming. He’d known how to take apart and assemble the pieces of a gun for as long as he could remember.
Right now he sat with one of his most prized possessions: the Winchester Model 70. It had been a gift from his dad early on in life, sometime in high school. It wasn’t the most effective of his rifles, nor was it the nicest. But it was a symbol of family, both because of the name and because he had been planning to give it to Sam when the time was right. Sometime soon maybe, once they’d defeated Chuck…
Just the thought of the abominations that had risen from hell not long ago made his stomach clench. They could only hide out in the bunker for so long, and everyone knew that. But they had no idea what they were up against, no idea how to face the hundreds upon thousands of souls that had crawled from the depths of hell, the monsters that had been released from purgatory, the messes they had tried so hard to bury and leave behind.
Dean shuddered and began to take the gun apart carefully. Remove the bolt from the receiver and unscrew the firing pin assembly, just like usual. As he was fiddling with the chamber and twirling the firing pin assembly between his fingers, there was a sudden knock at his door. Startled, Dean jumped and knocked the gun to the floor unceremoniously. Shit, he muttered. It was probably Sam. “Just a second,” he said, stuffing the parts of the gun among the various bits and pieces of junk under his bed. He stumbled to a standing position and hurried to open the door.
“Hey S- oh. Cas?” Rather than having to look up at his younger brother, he was met with the soft blue eyes and dirty trenchcoat of his closest friend.
“Were you expecting someone else?” The angel said, taken aback a little. Dean stuck his head in the doorway.
“I was sort of expecting Sam, but it doesn’t matter. Is, um, is there a reason you’re here?” Dean fumbled over his words a little, trying not to convey that he didn’t want Cas in his room right now.
“Yes, actually. Sam and I are worried about you.” Dean’s brow furrowed in confusion.
“What’s there to be worried about? I’ve been cleaning and loading guns, but I’m not sure what kind of bullet’s we’ll need-”
“Do you know what time it is?” Dean blinked a couple of times.
“Um, I dunno. Three o’clock, maybe four. Why?” Castiel sighed.
“It’s ten thirty, Dean.” There was a pause as he let this information sink in. “You’ve been shut in your room for a few days now. You haven’t eaten to my knowledge, the light hasn’t turned off so we don’t know if you’ve slept, and we still haven’t talked about what happened.” Dean closed his eyes for a moment, the image of Chuck’s gun in his hand flashing before him.
“I’m fine, we don’t need to talk, there’s nothing to talk about.” Dean started to close the door, but Cas forced it open, allowing himself to walk inside.
The Winchester Model 70 hadn’t been the only gun Dean had been working on. The room was strewn with all types of guns. Handguns sat in piles of witch killing bullets and devils trap bullets lay randomly on the floor. The shelves were covered in rifles loaded with salt rounds and an assortment of knives. In short, the room was a mess. Dean ran a hand through his hair nervously and his cheeks flushed as Cas raised an eyebrow at him. “Okay. So I admit, it looks bad.” Cas shut the door behind him.
“I’m trying to help you, honestly. Just…” He folded his arms. “Sam and I have been trying to strategize. We’ve read all the lore, and nothing details what God could have unleashed when he opened up hell. This entire world is collapsing in on itself, you can’t just sit here.” Dean winced a little at his harsh words. He hated to admit it, but Cas was right. He’d been cooped up in here far longer than they had time for. And there certainly wasn’t time to spare right now. But there was so much more to lose if he walked out that door. All those monsters...
“I know, I know. There’s a lot of crazy shit we have to deal with. But we’ve never been up against this kind of threat. I’m trying to prepare for whatever’s out there, we don’t…” He met Cas’ eyes and his breath caught in his throat. He looked sad and concerned, as though he could tell what was really on Dean’s mind. As though he could look past all the guns and the tough act and see what he was trying to keep down, what he wouldn’t admit to even himself. “Ah Jesus, Cas. Don’t give me the eyes, please, that’s not necessary.” Instead of stopping, Cas stepped over the various weapons on the ground and sat on the edge of his bed.
“How about,” he said, still looking at him, “we talk about what’s actually going on.”
Dean reluctantly sat down on the edge of the bed to face him. But when he attempted to speak, he found he couldn't look his friend in the face. Cas had always been a weakness of his, both as a liability for enemies and when they were together. Like now, when he wasn't able to tell him what he was hiding from. When he still couldn't seem to form words, Cas spoke up.
"I don't blame you for what happened to Jack." Dean grimaced and looked down at the floor.
"I tried to kill him, Cas. I nearly did, I was going to. But he was just a kid." Jack had a kind of power that couldn't ever be opposed, and he had come dangerously close to being against them. But he was barely two years old, he didn't have any way of controlling his power, especially after losing his soul. But now he was dead, lost to the empty, beyond saving. Cas swallowed.
"I miss him too. More than anything. But you don't have to bare that alone it's not your fault. In the end, you weren't the one to pull the trigger. So don't be so hard on yourself." Dean nodded.
"Yeah I know. You and Sam are here, same as always." Cas was quiet for a moment.
"Right of course, always here." There was a bit of hesitation in his voice, but he continued to speak before Dean could question it. "Right now, we need you focused on how to defend ourselves from what God unleashed."
"Yeah, that's important. Did you and Sam figure out what actually came up, other than all the souls in hell and the monsters in purgatory." Cas shook his head.
"Not yet. We've been searching, but it's not as if the men of letters came across anything like this before. We haven't gotten through all the books yet, and we could use your help." Dean sighed and clenched his jaw.
"You know what, Cas? For the first time in a long while, I'm actually pretty hopeful." He attempted a bit of a smile and fiddled with the zipper on his leather jacket.
"Well that's certainly good to hear." Cas responded. "Is there any particular reason?"
"I know this is a huge deal, it's probably the biggest thing we've ever faced. We're going against God himself, there's not really a way to beat him. But we might not have to. He said he liked our world. If we're able to hold our own for long enough, he might save us. If we're able to overcome that, we might actually get to go back to normal." Cas looked at him thoughtfully.
"Define normal." Dean shifted his body to face him more.
"I mean, what if we were just able to relax. If Chuck puts our world back to normal, we'd have nothing else to go against. It'd just be you, me and Sam hunting regular monsters on regular cases saving regular people. Team Free Will. We'd just be happy. Think about that." Rather than smile back, Cas looked down at the floor.
“That sounds wonderful,” he said. He was holding something back, that Dean knew for sure. But it wasn’t clear as to what exactly it was. He kept going warily, hoping Cas would say something.
“We’ve gone up against all the crazy crap that’s been thrown at us for years now. Lucifer, the Leviathans, the Darkness, the damn apocalypse. If we could rebel long enough, play along with Chuck’s psychotic game long enough, we might actually win.” Cas sighed again.
“I appreciate your wishful thinking, but if this was even possible it’d be far off into the future. Let’s worry about defending ourselves against God’s monsters, and we’ll cross that future bridge when we get to it.” Dean narrowed his eyes, the gears in his brain turning. Cas was definitely off, he was generally the more hopeful one when it came to planning for the future.
“I know that, I’m just saying if.” Cas nodded distractedly.
“When was the last time you ate something? You’ve been in here for awhile and all I see are empty beer bottles. You should eat something, talk to Sam a little.” This time, Dean was sure he’d caught on.
“Hey, Cas, hold on. You’re changing the subject on me, what’s up with that? Is there something I should know?” Cas shook his head, but still refused to meet his eyes.
“I think you’re being overly suspicious, you shouldn’t close yourself off so much right now.” He started to stand, but Dean grabbed his arm and pulled him back from it.
“Look, if there’s something on your mind you should tell me, we’re in this together, remember?” That made Cas stop. He looked over at Dean and bit his lip.
“You wouldn’t like it,” he mumbled nervously. Dean looked at him expectantly.
“Doesn’t matter.” Finally, the angel ran a hand down his face.
“When I brought Jack back from Heaven,” he began, his voice wavering, “I told you the Empty had taken advantage of the lack of manpower and invaded Heaven to get to Jack. He thought Jack was his property, since he was half angel. But I didn’t tell you how we managed to escape from the Empty.
“I made a deal with him, a rash solution in an instance of weakness. I told him I’d trade myself for Jack and take his place in the Empty. And he agreed that he’d take me, but said he was going to wait until I’ve settled down and pushed the thought aside, once I’ve allowed myself to be happy.” Here he paused, taking a deep breath. “So if it’s like you said, and we’re actually free to return to business as usual if we’re able to end this, I won’t be able to join you. That would most likely be the time that I get taken away...”
“So when were you going to mention this?” Dean interrupted. There was a bit of an edge to his tone, and it startled Cas.
“I-I wasn’t planning to, I didn’t think it would be relevant any time soon.
“Of course it’s relevant Cas, you’re telling me you’re going to just disappear soon, why the hell wouldn’t it be relevant?” His voice started to get louder as he got more and more upset. This couldn’t be happening, it felt entirely unreal. Castiel couldn’t die, not now. He’d been saved so many times before, restored on countless occasions, this couldn’t possibly be the end.
“I get that you’re upset, I know this is inconvenient timing.”
“I don’t give a shit about timing, this is insane. I have every right to be upset, you can’t just spring this on me and sit there all calm like it’s not a big deal. We can barely find anything on how to fight whatever Chuck is throwing at us, how are we supposed to find out how to fight the Empty as well, especially with so little time left.” Dean closed his eyes and breathed slowly trying to calm his nerves. He could barely process the thought of losing someone so close to him, couldn’t fathom the sadness. All he felt was anger.
“That what I wanted to talk to you about, this wasn’t the right place or time. We should talk to Sam about this, I don’t want to-”
“Get out.” The phrase was quiet at first, barely audible, as though it was more of a thought said out loud than an actual sentence.
“What?” Cas asked. Dean stood abruptly, the bed underneath him scraping across the floor like nails on a chalkboard.
“Get out!” He shouted, his voice amplified as it echoed across the room. The walls of his mind felt as though they were crashing down, caving in, crumbling. He found himself unable to think straight, grasping desperately at straws to prevent this from being real. Cas stood with him, trying in vain to calm him down.
“Dean, hold on. I’m sorry about this but-”
“How are we supposed to face the empty given what’s going on right now, given the hell we’re all being put through.” Cas grabbed his arms and stood in front of him, his back facing the door.
“This is why I’m asking you to listen to me, we don’t have to.” Dean stopped pushing at Cas and forced himself to take a minute to calm down. Cas had more information and, while it wasn’t bound to be good news, there was probably at least a bit of use in listening to him.
“What do you mean?” This time, when they met eyes, the contact stayed for a good deal longer. The look Cas gave him caused his heart to flutter, a mix of caring, desperation, and hopelessness.
“Dean,” he started cautiously. “You of all people know the countless number of times I’ve been erased and rewritten, died and resurrected, survived against immeasurable odds when others haven’t been so lucky. I’ve had more chances than any angel’s ever been given and each time it seems I fall under a new threat. So maybe this time there’s no need to fight back.”
“I-I still don’t understand.” Cas shook his shoulders a little.
“I made a deal, and I knew what it meant when I made it. I don’t think there’s any way to escape this, there’s no reason to try.” And suddenly Dean understood what he was saying.
“Cas, I know these past few days have been stressful, but I think something’s messing with your head right now.” The angel simply smiled sadly in response.
“I’m being serious. We both know it, you’re just afraid to admit it. It’s my time.” Dean swallowed hard and clenched his fists, pulling away from Cas’ touch.
“No. No no no no no, no. If you think…” Cas tugged him back by the corners of his leather jacket. As the moment sank in, Dean felt his hope slipping away slowly, fighting the feeling of pure dread. “If you think for one second that I’m just going to let you fucking slip away like that you’re out of your mind.” Surely there was something that could be done. Cas couldn’t die now. He’d survived so many other things in the past, survived tens of thousands of years in this world. After all the time they’d spent together, why now? Why like this?
“I didn’t want to see your reaction, I didn’t want to see you like this. I shouldn’t have told you.” His words flew over Dean’s head entirely as he felt a pang in his heart.
“Cas, no. D-Don’t do this, please. Don’t. You can’t.”
“Listen to me, okay? You have to be willing to let me go.” Dean felt his fingers shake, his knees threatening to buck beneath him.
“I’m not going to leave you,” he said. He repeated this to himself a few times, struggling to keep his eyes open. Because he knew that if he closed his eyes and allowed himself to picture a life without Cas he’d just shatter. “You can’t leave me…”
“Dean, I-I’m sorry.”
Watching Cas fall at a loss for words was the final straw. He looked into his regretful blue eyes and let images flash through his mind. Images of himself looking into those eyes, from the apocalypse, to the war against the Leviathans, to the depths of Purgatory, to the fight against Darkness and back to where they stood. Then he felt his consciousness slip away slowly, as though he was watching this scene from another perspective. He saw a man trembling fitfully, fighting a losing battle to keep his emotions under control. He saw the moment when this battle was lost. And he saw that man grab his friend by the collar of his trenchcoat and press their lips together. And then there was silence.
When he closed his eyes, Dean felt himself snap back to reality. Cas’ lips were soft and warm against his, and he leaned into the touch. They were frozen still for a second, and then Cas started to respond, sealing the kiss with a small hum. And then it was over. Dean opened his eyes to be met with his best friend, wide eyed and shocked, jaw hung open slightly.
“Dean, what…” Cas stuttered, conflicted emotions displayed openly on his blushing cheeks. Only then did Dean realize he still had his hands on his collar, and he let them fall soundlessly to his sides.
“I-I don’t know where that came from,” he said, searching Cas’ eyes for the right answer, the right thing to say. However he knew exactly what he wanted to say. He wanted to let out all his bottled up emotions and convey what he was thinking. He wanted to release all his feelings of anger and loss, feelings of helplessness, feelings of love. But he just couldn’t. Tears pricked at the backs of his eyes in panic. Fortunately, he didn’t have to search for words much longer. Rather than let him continue to speak, Cas threw his arms around Dean’s neck and kissed him again, harder than last time.
As the mood of the moment changed rapidly, Dean found himself grasping Cas by the waist and pulling him in. His mind played tricks on him, commands his body seemed to follow subconsciously. Somehow it felt as though if they were closer together, if he were able to hold onto the angel tight enough, the Empty wouldn’t be able to take him away. Maybe if this lasted long enough he could cheat death just one more time. But even when he pressed Cas against the wall, even when they tumbled into the bed and let their legs intertwined as much as their tongues, it didn’t feel permanent enough. And so he let reality slip into his mind.
The longer they kissed, the faster his heart beat. His chest tightened with a strange feeling that pattered at the back of his brain somewhere. A feeling he wasn’t accustomed to, something he’d never really felt before. Every second they’d spent together, every time he felt the pieces of this realization click into place blurred together. Dean had known for a while that he’d been falling for Cas, but he was simply too afraid to admit it. After all they’d been through, even now, these decisions seemed a jumbled mess, miles away from what could be the truth. Yet here they were. And, though his subconscious fought to come to grips with it, he realized that this was exactly where he wanted to be.
After what felt like forever and yet not long enough, the two lay on their sides facing each other. Naturally, they’d shed a bit of clothing during their kiss session, and were now clad in t-shirts and boxers. Dean had allowed himself to get quietly lost in his own thoughts, while Cas was equally silent and tracing swirled patterns in Dean’s chest with his fingertip. Their eyes met again, and he smiled weakly.
“That was…” Dean finished the sentence for him.
“Different. We’ve had moments in the past but this is definitely new. But…” He leaned in and kissed the top of his forehead. “I like this.” The genuinely joyful blush on Cas’ cheeks was enough to make Dean’s heart melt. With a teasing tone to his voice he said, “So I’ve gotta ask, how long has, y’know, all that been waiting to get out? Honestly, you surprised me. I’m curious.” Cas chuckled and let his eyes drift elsewhere.
“Honestly? For years now, years. It’s been a little on and off because you can be a huge pain sometimes,” to which Dean replied by sticking his tongue out, “but I remember something. When we first locked Lucifer in the cage, after I healed you, I remember telling you I was going back to heaven. I thought that was going to be the end of all of this, I really did. But when you looked up at me I remember hoping, praying to see you again.” Dean reached out and cupped Cas’ chin gingerly. “I thought about you after I left, and, even though I had lost most of my connection to human emotion when I came back, I knew exactly how I felt.”
He kissed Dean again, softly and sweetly. “Well I’ve told you my secrets now, I think it’s your turn.” There was another bout of silence in which Dean rubbed the back of his neck nervously.
“There’s a very complicated answer to that.”
“I’ve got time.” Cas tensed briefly when he realized the irony of his comment, but they both decided not to dote on that. Instead, Dean took a deep breath and started to let out his bottled up emotions.
“There isn’t exactly a specific point in time where I realized how I felt. I guess I’ve been trying to deny it for a while, actually. I’ve never really, uh, liked guys, I guess.” He shifted his weight uncomfortably and closed his eyes. “I’ve always been straight, that’s been pretty constant in my life, and not much is so I guess that’s saying something. So every time I thought I felt something my brain would come up with a million reasons why it couldn’t be true.” He flinched a little at the sudden feeling of contact and opened his eyes to see Cas run his fingers through his hair. “Even now, there’s a voice far off in the back of my mind screaming at me that this is wrong. B-But I’m not going to listen to that. Especially now since I have so little time left with you…” Cas frowned and hurriedly tried to pull the conversation in another direction.
“Have you ever told anyone you thought you might not be straight?” he asked, continuing to finger-draw patterns in Dean’s shirt.
“I don’t think so, it’s been a pretty private… no I mentioned it to Charlie once. I didn’t say your name but I’m sure she figured it out." Cas leaned forward and kissed him once more, letting the kiss linger as Dean cupped his face.
“Personally I don’t see the confusion in human sexuality, but I suppose I understand what you mean. I get that it’s hard to understand, but take your time to let yourself adjust, I don’t mind.” Dean traced a finger down his jawline.
“We don’t have that much time thought.” Cas shifted to lie a bit more on his back.
“Listen, I shouldn’t have told you like this, I know. Can we leave this conversation for another time though?” As much as he would have liked to, it didn't seem possible to put it off. He couldn't get the thought out of his mind, the thought of Cas being gone for good. The last time he had died, when he'd been taken to the Empty for the first time, Dean had been an absolute wreck. Now, losing him a final time paired with the incredulous idea that he'd know in advance and couldn't do anything…
"Cas, I can't just let it go. We've lost you before, but never like this. You know I don't want to go along with this."
"And you know we have no chance of being able to fight the Empty. Look, I'm really sorry-"
"Stop saying that, just hold on" Dean sat up in bed and leaned his back against the wall. Part of him was still angry at Cas for keeping a secret, but most him had started to be mad at himself. For not being able to protect him. "I can't just let you die, you know. I'm going to find some way to save you." Thinking that he may die was one thing, but actually saying the word aloud like that caused Dean to tear up. There was more that he wanted to say, more emotion he needed to vent, but when he looked over at Cas he somehow couldn't continue. Those bittersweet, melodramatic eyes made his heart stop more than anything. So when Cas asked him to listen, he remained quiet.
"When I went to heaven to rescue Jack, I knew exactly what I was getting into. I didn't want to have to put a threat to my life, but it was what had to be done. We preserved Jack's life a little longer, and he got to spend a little more time with his family, even if the end was difficult. If I had the chance to go back, I'd do it again in an instant. I think it was worth it. But I suppose you would disagree, and I understand that. I wouldn't have traded your life so easily, and you'd be hesitant to trade mine." He placed his hands behind his head and sighed.
"I knew that if I told you you'd look for a way to save me. Doing so would take your focus away from the real issue, and it could end up indirectly harming you. I just want you to make it through this. You deserve to be saved, I've run out of do overs. I…" He blushed and stared up at the ceiling. "Of course I was scared to tell you because I couldn't bare that look on your face. Those freaking puppy dog eyes might have made me change my mind." Dean glanced at him in surprise.
"My puppy dog eyes? I don't have puppy dog eyes. That's not a thing that I do." Cas shook his head in disbelief.
"Yes you do, you use it all the time to get what you want. Even tonight." He looked over and held Dean's gaze for a second. In trying not to let his eyes linger a little farther down, his lower lip quivered just slightly. Cas broke the stare and snapped at him ruefully. "You're doing it again. Don't act like you don't know what you're doing, you know it's one of my weaknesses."
Dean couldn’t help but laugh a little. All this time, Cas had been just as caught up in him and he had been vice versa. Deep down, they both just wanted to be closer. He scooted back down to lay next to him and pulled the covers up. "I really never noticed it, actually." He rested his head in the crook of Cas' neck and found he smelled faintly of cologne. It was comforting. They sat in cozy silence for a while, just glad to share each other's warmth. Eventually, Cas spoke up.
"Do you understand now why I didn't want to tell you?" Dean frowned.
"I guess so. But…" He understood Cas' need to put others above himself. He himself did it constantly, after all, as did Sam and the others. But just as each person was willing to sacrifice themselves, everyone around them was twice as ready to stop it. "I'm still going to try to save you, no matter what you tell me. We're family, Cas." When he started to protest Dean pressed a finger to his lips. "Nothing's invincible. There has to be a way to work something out." Cas grimaced, thinking it over.
"I suppose so. But you can't let it be your first priority." Dean nodded absentmindedly. There were still so many thoughts brewing inside his head that he wanted to say, so many things to come, so many inner demons. All those monsters…
"Cas," he started, his voice sounding small. "If I can't find a way to save you, and you end up getting taken by the Empty… what am I going to do?" Cas was dead silent. Dean felt his throat get tight again. There must have been an answer to that, there had to be.
"Dean, you'll be okay. You have Sam and the others, my time is up. I'm sorry."
"Please don't apologize," Dean choked, barely at a whisper. Cas looked over and cupped his face in his hands. And all at once, it was just too much.
His whole life, Dean had felt nothing but loss, constant loss. But Cas… they had been spinning around each other for years now, looking for a balance between them. How could this end before they even started, why now? Everything was slowly slipping away, everything was ending. This wasn't fair to him or to Cas. Dean's heart burned with hopelessness inside his chest. His reluctance to accept flickered out, and he let go. In the deafening silence of his room, Dean buried his face in Cas' chest and started to cry.
They had won. How exactly, Dean wasn’t sure. But as his blurred vision started to focus more, he could make out the three of them standing in the center of the cemetery where the end had first begun. Sam was on the ground, holding a demon killing knife in one hand and wiping the blood off his face with the other. Cas was farther off to his right, his trenchcoat torn to pieces. The ground around them was covered in ash and the air smelled of blood. All three of them were tired and scared and confused, but they seemed to be having the same thought.
“What just happened?” Sam asked no one in particular, pushing himself to his feet. Dean looked down at his own dirty, scratched up hands and wondered the same thing. Their question was met with silence for a while as the dust settled. Then there was a low whooshing sound from somewhere behind them all.
“You’ve passed the test,” Chuck said as he materialized. The three spun around to see God standing atop a pile of tombstones, giving the effect that he was a good deal taller. He began to slow clap and stepped down from the pile carefully. “I thought I’d just leave this world for dead honestly, but since you all wouldn’t stop fighting I can’t get rid of this page just yet. So I put all the monsters and stuff back where they belong to give you guys a second chance.”
“Are you serious?” Dean said warily. “You’re just gonna let this world carry on like before.” Chuck nodded, then stopped and shook his head.
“Well not exactly. I’m not gonna turn back time or something. I wanna see what you guys do post apocalypse, that makes for an interesting turn in the story.” Everyone was quiet for a moment. It didn’t seem fair to have to rebuild everything out of the blue after fighting so hard just to keep their lives in tact. But then again, there was no point in arguing with Chuck, he could just as well change his mind once again and leave the world to tear itself to pieces.
“Does this mean we’ve won?” said Sam with a bit of hesitence in his voice. Chuck scoffed.
“I wouldn’t call it a win so much as a turn of luck. You didn’t ‘beat me’ per se,” he said, adding air quotes around beat me. “I gave you another chance. But in a way, yes.” With that final word, a weight lifted off Dean’s shoulders and he let out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding, Sam and Cas no doubt doing the same. After what had felt like weeks, maybe even months of endless fighting without any kind of advancement, this level of triumph was a huge relief. Restoration efforts would be difficult, no doubt, but things might eventually go back to normal.
Sam was the first to break a smile, and Dean soon followed when they hugged joyfully, finally able to drop their weapons. Cas came over and hugged Sam as well, then turned to Dean. His small, satisfied smile made Dean’s even wider suddenly, and they embraced with a sigh.
“We’re okay, Cas,” he whispered, feeling Cas’ nose rub against his neck gently. He seemed to be having the same thoughts Dean was, thoughts of the future, thoughts of things returning to something like a normal life for them. Cas seemed truly happy, and the feeling was infectious. And for just a moment everything seemed perfectly okay.
For a moment. Then Chuck started to snicker.
“What’s so funny?” asked Dean, looking over his shoulder at him. Chuck ran a hand through his hair and looked off to the side.
“It’s one of the things I like most about this world actually, especially you guys’ story. There’s always a bunch of crazy twists and turns even I hadn’t expected. Most of them aren’t even things I had planned out, you three do this to yourselves." Dean tilted his head in confusion. But by the time Chuck spoke his next words, it had already dawned on him. “You have a visitor incoming.”
As he said this, a gooey looking black cloud descended from the sky and slopped towards the ground. The three of them jumped back in horror as this liquidy mass overtook Chuck and seemed to ooze into his skin. He blinked once or twice, and then grinned crookedly. And then he wasn’t Chuck anymore. He was the Empty.
“Surprise,” he chortled in a sing songy voice. “You really should have seen me coming you know." Cas took a hesitant step back and instinctively leaned into Dean’s chest. Sam slipped the demon knife out of his pocket and held it just out of sight in the palm of his hand. “I’m afraid you’re dreadfully aware of why I’m here."
“Back the hell off,” Dean snapped. His hands balled into fists and his short lived happiness started to drain away. In all the time they’d spent fighting, he hadn’t found a way to save Cas, despite having looked through every book and every site multiple times. No one knew how to face the Empty, and even if there was a way to challenge him there certainly wasn’t something they had on hand. It was just too soon, there was no way.
“Oh, I think you know quite well I won’t be doing that. A deal’s a deal, isn’t that right Castiel?” Cas bowed his head silently. “Isn’t that right?” the Empty boomed suddenly, his voice lashing at him like a crack of thunder and lightning. Cas jumped.
“Yes,” he whispered, almost unable to form any more words. The Empty simply cackled and wiggled his fingers.
“This is impeccable timing really, though I’m surprised it came so soon. Anywhoo, thank you for your cooperation. Please kindly come with me.” The angel attempted to take a step forward, but Sam blocked his path and drew his knife quickly. The Empty yawned and snapped his fingers, stopping Sam almost an inch from stabbing him and throwing him several yards back, where he cracked his head on a tombstone and passed out. Dean cried out in protest, but was silenced with a wave of the creature’s fingers. “I grow tired of your nonsense, it grates on my nerves.”
“Don’t hurt them,” said Cas. “They’re not the ones you came for.” In response, the Empty laughed wickedly again.
“I’ll do whatever I want if they get in my way. You have two choices, Castiel. You could either come quietly and accept your death. Or you can resist me and get your, ugh, friends killed in a process that leads to the same result. What’ll it be?” Dean struggled against the magic to speak to Cas. His words seemed to get caught in his throat just before he could push them out, and he started to suffocate. In his battle for the ability to breathe he almost didn’t hear the response.
“Please just let me say goodbye.” Dean’s eyes got wide, as he watched the Empty consider this.
“You have exactly one minute.” He dropped the barrier in Dean’s mouth and, while he was gasping for breath, brought Sam back to consciousness. When Sam stumbled back to them, Cas embraced him softly.
“Thank you,” he croaked, “for believing in me when no one else would, and teaching me what it’s like to be human. You’re the bravest person I know, and I know you’ll be able to restore this world without me. Because I believe in you too.” Sam wrapped his arms around Cas’ shoulders, and they stood for a moment. Meanwhile, Dean was too upset to form words. His insides felt like they were crumbling, and the actuality of the moment hadn’t seemed to hit him yet. This was when Cas was going to leave them, for good this time. After so many years of twists and turns, hardships and well earned victories, and, most importantly, of small moments that held a special place in their hearts, it was over. Life without him seemed impossible. When Cas finally turned to him, all he could say was,
“I’m sorry.” he rested an arm on Dean’s shoulders and smiled sorrowfully.
“Please don’t apologize.” Dean pulled him in by the waist and pressed their bodies together in a hug laced with bittersweet grief. “You have nothing to apologize to me for, I promise. I just want to say thank you, for every moment we’ve shared. The good ones, the bad ones, and every damn thing in between. There’s no one in existence I’d rather have shared this with. And there’s no more that I can say.” They hugged tightly for as long as possible, and time just about froze around them. But the moment was shattered with the Empty’s cruel words.
“Your time is up, Castiel. It’s time to die.” Cas pushed away reluctantly and turned his back to the brothers to face the Empty instead.
“I’m ready.” With a malicious grin, the Empty snapped his fingers, and Cas began to glow. He flashed a bright gold, then a slightly dimmer blue, then slowly started to fade. Dean gaped in alarm as he saw the angel’s body begin to turn transparent. Somehow, this vision made him burst from his lapse of shock.
“Cas no!” he cried. In a last desperate attempt to save him, he grabbed the sleeve of his trenchcoat and turned him to face them again. He kissed Cas one last time. The feeling of his lips was solid and passionate, and he shut his eyes tight and leaned into it. But the longer they kissed, the less solid it felt. He opened his eyes just in time to see Cas’ face before he faded away entirely. Light slipped between his fingers, and Castiel was gone.
The world started to tilt suddenly, shaking and bending in unnatural ways. Dean’s knees shook, and he lost balance, dropping to his knees. His head got heavy and his throat tightened. Gravity pulled his lifeless body towards the ground, his vision blurring and the scene darkening before him.
Then his eyes shot open.
Dean’s heart raced, causing him to breathe abnormally fast. Sweat ran down his pounding temples. As his panic subsided, he took a moment to assess where he was. His bedroom was dimly lit and scattered with weapons of all sorts. In fact, the darkness was only broken by a bright light from under the door. It was quiet but not quite silent. The sound of steady breathing came from a figure lying next to him, wrapped in his arms and leaning against his chest. It was Cas. Alive. Dean sighed with relief. A nightmare, that’s all that it had been.
Waves of remembrance washed over him, forcing him to recall what had happened between the two of them. There had been kissing, admittance of feelings, and more than a few tears. At some point, Cas must have turned the light out, but anything that took place after Dean had started to cry was a blur.
Dean couldn’t help but smile as he reminisced about Cas telling him how he felt, and how satisfying it was to know that they still had time together. But his smile slowly faded when his brain flashed back to the events of the dream. It had all felt so painstakingly real, and he couldn’t put the nagging thoughts aside. Something tingled in the back of his mind, something that appeared to be missing from the situation, thought he couldn’t put his finger on what exactly it was.
Strangely enough, the realization came to him when Cas stirred in his arms. He sniffed a little, and his shoulders twitched. Instead of waking up, though, he rolled his head back on the pillow. This gave Dean the sudden urge to reach out and trace his features; the crinkles near his eyes, the creases in his forehead, the dip of his jawline, the pattern of his lower lip, all of it. But his arms were trapped under Cas’ frame in a restraining yet comfortable position, and he had no choice but to appreciate his serene, sleeping face from afar. And that’s when it hit him. He had never said I love you.
Those three simple words were missing from their interactions, both in their dreams and in real life. This thought saddened Dean more than he thought it would. He hadn’t had the courage to say it last night, he hadn’t said it when he lost Cas in the dream sequence, and he probably wouldn’t get the chance to say it until it was too late.
And he did love Cas, he knew that for certain now. Those longing stares, the way his heart pattered when they shared moments together, that feeling was love. And he saw that now. But rather than mustering the courage to say these words out loud, now or ever, he simply grasped Cas tighter in his arms and drifted back to sleep.