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The nightmares were expected for Shepard. She knew they would be there, because they’d been there for years already – the fiery remains of the Citadel and Saren’s crawling, inhuman husk haunted her dreams still. What she didn’t anticipate were the times when the sunlight filtered through the shades, when she awoke from restless sleep and wished the nightmares would continue so that her thoughts wouldn’t.
She ran her hands through her auburn hair and noted that she should have cut it months ago. It was past her shoulders, impractical for a soldier. But she wasn’t a solider anymore. The Alliance had kept her Spectre status intact, but otherwise asked little of her. There had once been nothing she’d wanted more than the peace of a normal life, but now all it left her with was time to think, time to reflect. Time to realize that all she’d made were mistakes.
She could feel Kaidan’s movement in the bed beside her. Oddly, they always ended up on the same sleep cycle, though she’d be lying if she could really call it sleep. They combined an average of four hours, six if they were lucky.
She looked over to stare into the warmness of his brown eyes. It was one of the few highlights of her day – a genuinely blissful moment where she felt as if love could mend her. Could mend him. She smiled at him and asked the same thing she did every day. “Coffee?”
“Coffee,” he agreed. He shaded his eyes and groaned. “One creamer, two sugars.”
“I’ve got it down by now. You should start taking it black, you know. Works better.”
He grinned, a beautifully open smile that made her remember why she’d fallen for him. “I guess I’ve still got a sweet tooth,” he teased. He threw his legs off the bed and stretched. She used the opportunity to head to the kitchen.
She was stirring in his creamer when she felt his body press against her back, his hands gripping her waist protectively. “Forgot to tell you good morning,” he muttered as he kissed her neck gently.
“Oh,” she said, turning to face him. “Good morning to you, too, Kaidan.”
She captured his lips and, not for the first time, marveled at the softness of them. She ran a hand through his hair, starting at the nape and resting on a spot towards the back that she knew had greyed. It was funny, being in love with someone. Knowing so many things about them and then knowing so little, all at once. In many ways, her fiancé was a map she knew all the roads to, knew all the secret shortcuts and hidden valleys.
In others, he was elusive. She could tell he didn’t always indulge the details of his L2 implants, of Brain Camp. He would never keep secrets, but there were things he kept to himself. She could push him if she wanted, but she never did. As much as she talked to him about the things she went through, she never told him everything. Some things were better left unsaid.
When they broke apart, they grabbed their mugs and headed for the dining table. This was another routine. They always sat there, every morning, either staying silent or speaking their mind. Most of the time it was about the war, the lives lost, but sometimes it was about their plans for the future.
Today was the average day. She couldn’t make herself stay quiet, no matter how much she wished she could. No matter how much she hated to burden him with her misery.
“Every news article calls me a hero,” she said, and started laughing without humor. “A fucking hero. How ridiculous is that?”
He eyed her carefully. “Not ridiculous, Shepard. It’s true.”
She knew he believed that. He always believed the best of her. He looked at her like she was the only person for him, like she was a goddess. Sometimes it made the feeling worse - the feeling that she was a fraud, a child pretending to be an adult.
“You saved all of us,” he continued, his eyes burning with fire. “The Reapers would still be destroying the galaxy, wiping us out planet by planet if it weren’t for you.”
“And what about the Geth? EDI?” she barraged, feeling angry. At what, she didn’t know. He was doing the same thing he always did, defending her from herself. He was only being loving. She looked up at him with tear filled eyes. “EDI was resembling a human being, turning into something amazing. She and Joker had a chance.”
He swallowed and looked down. He picked his spoon up and swirled the contents of his mug aimlessly. “She knew the risks,” he said firmly.
Somehow, that didn’t feel like enough to justify anything.
“The Quarians and Geth had achieved piece, and Legion was the one to thank for that. He sacrificed himself for it,” she said quietly. She had never spoken about Legion, it hurt too much to speak his name. “He died for nothing.”
Kaidan stood up abruptly, throwing his spoon down roughly before putting his palms flat against the table. “He died for everything!” he yelled, his mouth set in a hard line as he leaned towards her. “Stop it. I won’t accept you hating yourself. I won’t. Legion and EDI died for galactic peace. They died to save our children, to save our children’s children. They were willing to die for all of that, you know it as well as I do, and just because you mourn them doesn’t mean it has to weigh on your shoulders.”
He moved towards her then, kneeling down and taking her hands in his. As he spoke, his words grew stronger. “I’m here for you, Shepard. I really am. I’m here, in the flesh, and we’ll get past this. But only if you stay with me, now, and not in that rubble where it all ended two years ago. I want to have children with you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” he laughed then, that wonderfully husky noise that comforted her. “I want the rest of my hair to grey. I want yours to go grey, too, because there is no me without you.”
He enveloped her in one of those soul binding kisses, then, and she momentarily forgot her worries, her nightmares, her grief and remembered that she loved this man. Loved him in all his forms and loved his words. Most of all, she loved his greying hair and her growing hair because it meant they were aging, and aging together. And she knew, deep in her heart, that this moment was only made possible by her fallen friends sacrifice. She felt only grateful.
As they went to bed, they truly slept in peace. They would always cling to each other in the dark and pray to live another day - that was the mark of a soldier, of knowing the dangers, of knowing true fear. But she knew they could get through anything together.
When the sun rose, they smiled and looked forward to a new day.