Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Rin was a carefree child who was never afraid to show her affection to Sesshoumaru.

He sat through it all – the multitude of hugs, the playing with his hair, the occasional moments she'd climbed into his lap.

But now that Rin was older, and living in Edo under the old miko’s tutelage. Sesshoumaru didn't see her as often, and when he did go to visit her the young woman Rin was becoming was more poised and less free with her affections.

Sesshoumaru had not even consciously noticed this or realised the consequences of his current deprivation of physical contact.

Not until one fateful afternoon.

Naturally, Inuyasha’s miko was the one to startle Sesshoumaru into realising how dire his current situation was.

She was always making friendly overtures and treating him as if they were close companions. Sesshoumaru did not understand why; he had certainly never given her any reason to assume they were anything more than uncomfortable allies.

And to his understanding, the miko was educated and reasonably intelligent for a human, so it was mind-boggling that she could misunderstand their relationship so completely.

But then again, the miko had always defied expectations and, incredibly, had never seemed to show any fear of him.

For that, he couldn’t help giving her his respect – albeit grudgingly.

On that fateful afternoon, Sesshoumaru had happened to be in the vicinity of the village. And by sheer chance, or by the cruel prompting of jesting kami, the miko’s path had crossed his.

She was crouching down and picking up blue flowers.

For a moment, it struck him that she faintly resembled Rin, and that was why he stopped and came to stand next to her.

She started when his shadow fell over her and looked up, her eyes wide.

At the sight of him, however, the surprise and alarm faded. She flashed him a smile.

Sesshoumaru raised an unimpressed eyebrow.

The miko truly did not possess survival instinct of any sort.

“Sesshoumaru! It’s been a while.”

“Hn,” he replied, noncommittal.

That didn’t deter the miko, of course.

She stood up, clutching the flowers in her hand and continued babbling at him.

Sesshoumaru had all but tuned her out and was wondering how to get rid of the infuriating female, when it happened and he was jolted back to reality.

“Sesshoumaru?”

His nostrils flared.

His entire body had grown tense, like a bowstring pulled taut. His golden eyes were fixed on the small feminine hand lightly resting on his arm.

Under his intense scrutiny, those soft fingers twitched and Sesshoumaru reacted, moving with startling speed.

His hand settled firmly over the diminutive one, trapping it in place before the miko had a chance to pull away.

“Sesshoumaru?” she asked again, although this time her voice was trembling and the sour scent of her nervousness permeated the air.

Sesshoumaru’s mind raced as he pondered the dilemma he was in.

The solution, he mused, staring at the miko, could in fact be fairly simple.

Although there was little incentive for the miko to agree to such a scheme.

“I’m sorry,” she said, once again beginning her babbling. “I didn’t mean to offend –”

“You have not offended me,” Sesshoumaru cut in.

The miko spoke again, hesitant and hopeful. “Then maybe you can let me go?”

“No,” Sesshoumaru replied at once. Not when he could feel the warmth of the miko’s touch.

“Why not?” she asked, frowning at him in apparent confusion.

Deciding he had nothing to lose, Sesshoumaru chose to trust her with the truth.

“May I be frank with you, miko?”

She nodded quickly. “Sure, of course.”

“Inuyoukai typically live in packs, and although I do not possess one at the moment and prefer my solitude, certain ingrained behaviours still remain.”

The miko nodded again, this time more slowly. “That makes sense, I mean genetics dictate a lot of our lives.”

He tilted his head at her peculiar nonsensical word but ignored it. It wouldn’t do to get side-tracked right now.

“Because inuyoukai are pack-minded, it is natural to be in a close proximity with one another. Physically. And when one goes without the touch of another for an extended period of time, it will begin to have an effect.”

“Wait… I’ve heard of this! What you’re talking about sounds a lot like skin hunger. Or being starved for touch.”

Sesshoumaru blinked. He had never heard of either description before, but they felt… apt.

“I had not realised how long I had gone without contact before you touched me.”

The miko bit her lip and stared at her hand, still resting on Sesshoumaru’s arm and engulfed by his hand.

Then, she looked up at him.

“Is it bad?”

“It is nothing this Sesshoumaru cannot bear,” he replied dismissively.

There was a limit to how much of his vulnerabilities he dared to let show at a given time.

“Is… Is there something I could do?”

Astonished, Sesshoumaru looked into the soft and sincere blue of the miko’s eyes.

Something warm and vaguely resembling gratitude welled in his chest.

He had thought he would have to try to coax the miko, perhaps threaten her; use whatever means he could to persuade her into compliance.

Instead, here she was, offering her assistance unprompted.

Kindness like that was as rare as it was remarkable.

“Indeed, there is,” Sesshoumaru said, wrapping his fingers around the miko’s hand, giving it a light squeeze. “In fact, this Sesshoumaru has a proposition to make.”

Chapter Text

 Kagome knew loneliness.

It had been gnawing at her for three long years, and even now, still, it found her in those dark and weak moments, sank its vicious sharp teeth deep into her.

That knowledge was why she hadn’t hesitated to offer Sesshoumaru her help, why she’d agreed to his proposal without any qualms.

He might have told her he preferred solitude, but that look in his eyes when she’d touched him – that raw yearning –contradicted that statement.

Privately, Kagome suspected that even if once Sesshoumaru would have preferred to wander Japan alone, meeting and befriending Rin had changed him.

Her travels with Inuyasha and the rest of her friends had certainly changed her; that much had become apparent during the three years she’d spent away from them after she’d been sent back to her own time and her old life.

Even when Kagome had been surrounded by her friends and family, her life had felt just a little bit mundane. Every second of every day she was aware that there was just something missing. That sense of yearning had been just as bad as the loneliness

Still, even though Kagome had agreed to help Sesshoumaru without qualms or hesitations didn’t mean she was completely free of doubts or worries.

Most of them centred around Inuyasha.

Picking up where their relationship had left off hadn’t been as smooth sailing as Kagome had thought. At first, they’d easily fallen back to their old rhythm but now, months later, there were the occasional hiccups.

Kagome kept telling herself that was all normal, that relationships needed compromise and work put into maintaining them.

But if Inuyasha were to learn of this agreement she’d made with Sesshoumaru – even if it was wholly innocent – he would lose his shit.

That was why, the first time they met in secret, Kagome had her own request to make.

She gazed up at him, biting her lip, and then drew in a fortifying breath.

“Would it be possible for you to transform into your true form?”

Sesshoumaru’s eyebrow rose sharply.

“Might I inquire as to why you would wish that? If this agreement discomforts you, you must tell me so. I believe I made myself clear when we last met and laid out the terms that I would not behave in any untoward manner.”

“Oh, it’s not that,” Kagome hurried to reassure him, blushing slightly. “That didn’t even cross my mind, honest. It’s not that I’m uncomfortable with you. Just a part of me feels guilty about this, because of Inuyasha.”

Sesshoumaru regarded her for a moment, silence hanging heavy around them.

“Your loyalty to the halfbreed is commendable,” he intoned at last. “Very well.”

His eyes flashed red, his face elongated; the open, stretching mouth displayed rows of sharp teeth.

Soon, he was towering before her, taking over the whole clearing.

His huge, red eyes focused on her, cruel intelligence shining in their depths.

Then, the massive beast flopped to lay down on the sun-warmed grass with a sigh.

Kagome rolled back the sleeves of her miko uniform and walked over.

“Sorry about this,” she told him, before grabbing a fistful of the fur of his front leg.

He let out a huff, somehow even in his canine form managing to sound derisive.

He didn’t seem at all concerned as Kagome climbed up his leg.

A moment later, she was standing on his back, looking at the expanse of white fur stretching out before her.

“Time to get to work,” she muttered.

Falling onto all fours, she started to pet him.

His fur was much softer than it had any right to be.

Kagome threw herself into her task, meticulously working her way towards his shoulders, taking short breaks every now and then to rest her hands and wrists.

It was amazing, to feel that huge powerful body below her, to feel the muscles relax, the breathing slow and deepen. His enormous fluffy tail thumped lazily against the ground.

The same calmness spread to her.

It felt peaceful. It felt right.

And when she reached his drooping ears and scratched from just the right spot, his hind leg twitched and compulsively jerked and Kagome let out a giggle.

He growled in admonishment, but that only made Kagome laugh harder.

“My hands are pretty much done,” she called out to him, after a moment. “Can we stop here for today?”

Sesshoumaru nodded, the unexpected movement almost making Kagome lose her balance.

She slid down, and by the time she’d regained her feet and straightened herself, Sesshoumaru had reverted back to his usual form, his golden eyes giving her a measured stare.

“Thank you, miko.”

She smiled at him.

“No need to thank me. It was actually kind of fun.”

“I am… glad,” Sesshoumaru said flatly.

“Well, I need to get going before anyone starts wondering where I got to,” Kagome said. “I’ll see you next month!”

He inclined his head at her, the old regal Sesshoumaru looking at her as if he hadn’t just been wagging his tail at her moments earlier.

Kagome stifled a grin and turned to walk back to the village.

When the next month came, Kagome'd had more time to mull over the situation.

She had decided that Sesshoumaru’s issue might be about more than skin hunger. Perhaps, in the absence that Rin had left in his life, what Sesshoumaru truly needed was a friend.

And that was something Kagome was more than happy to provide.

Thus, when she arrived on the clearing to meet him, she had a clear idea of what she wished to do: something innocuous and fun.

"Hi Sesshoumaru!" she greeted him cheerfully.

He acknowledged her with a curt nod, then his youki flared and his eyes flashed red.

"Oh no!" Kagome cried out, hurrying to him. "You don't need to transform!"

He paused. The words came out warbled since his mouth was already half a maw.

"Are you certain?"

"Yes! Please, could you stay in your usual form this time?"

The transformation reversed and he stood before her, one eyebrow raised. "What of your arguments? Of your guilt?"

"I've had time to think," she replied, "and to make my peace. Besides, there is something I really want to do today."

"Truly? And what would that be?"

"Is it - would it be all right if I touched your hair?"

Sesshoumaru blinked. "I see no harm in that," he answered after a short moment. "Grooming is common enough a practise among packmates. And though you are not of my pack, our agreement grants you certain privileges."

Kagome clapped her hands together, beaming at him. "Great! Come on, let's sit!"

Soon, they were both seated on the ground, Sesshoumaru facing away from Kagome. Her knees were brushing against his lower back, and the length of his silver-white hair was pooled in her lap.

Silence reigned, as she trailed her fingers in the silky strands, marvelling at the sleek texture.

It was almost unfair. She couldn’t picture Sesshoumaru ever having a bad hair day whereas her own hair had a mind of its own and all too often refused to bow to her will.

She took a moment just petting and admiring the hair, before she actually got to work, carefully starting to section the heavy wealth into three parts.

“What are you intending to do,” Sesshoumaru asked, as her fingers brushed against his scalp.

“I’m just going to braid it,” she replied.

“Is this an activity you enjoy?”

“Sure, it can be fun,” Kagome said, smiling at his back.

“Hnn. Rin seemed taken with the hair, too.”

“Well, it’s so long and so pretty so I can see why her fingers were itching.”

Kagome studied her handiwork, then started to braid the hair. The motions were familiar, but it took her a moment to find her rhythm; she’d never before tried braiding hair this long.

“Pretty?” Sesshoumaru intoned dryly.

“Yes. The colour’s amazing and it’s so sleek and long and always looks perfect. Honestly, it’s very vexing,” Kagome said, her focus divided between the conversation and the strands of hair she was now meticulously weaving into a braid.

“Why would my hair be vexing?” Sesshoumaru asked.

“Because it’s so much nicer than mine. If my hair was this long it would just be one terrible tangle,” Kagome grumbled. “Not to even mention things like the texture.”

“Texture?”

Kagome nodded, her fingers moving nimbly as she moved one strand over the other.

“I thought your hair would be smooth but it’s even silkier than I expected. I wonder if Inuyasha’s is the same.”

Silence fell.

Kagome bit her lip as she kept braiding, wondering if she’d made a mistake by mentioning Inuyasha.

Then, just before she was about to break the silence with some off-topic babble, Sesshoumaru spoke.

“Why is this something you wonder at?” he asked, his voice incredulous. “I thought you and hanyou were… together.”

“We are,” Kagome replied quickly. “It’s just… well. He hasn’t really let me touch his hair. He's not very big on casual intimacy to begin with. It’s no biggie.”

Sesshoumaru didn’t reply to that, so Kagome steered the conversation to a safer topic and lost herself in playing with the pretty silky hair.

When Sesshoumaru had made the proposal, he had only seen a convenient way to alleviate the predicament brought on by his solitary life.

The miko had felt like a simple solution at the time, especially when with generous kindness she had offered her aid before Sesshoumaru even had a chance to ask – or demand – for it.

He hadn’t stopped to think of the long-term consequences. Of what it really would be like to meet up with the halfbreed’s miko once a month – that overly friendly and open-hearted woman who, much like Rin, could prattle on about nonsense for hours at an end.

He hadn’t thought he’d come to know the miko or that he might actually feel comfortable in her company.

He had merely been seeking to satisfy his baser instincts as a pack-minded creature requiring physical proximity.

He had not really counted for the emotional bonding that would happen.

Even now, five months later, he wasn’t even sure how it had happened.

There was something about the miko, some way she managed to disarm him, make him lower his guard. Part of that, he guessed, was the intrigue – their third time meeting had been fascinating and they had got into a long in-depth discussion during which the miko’s intelligence and education had shone through.

That had sparked his curiosity. And the miko had always baffled him. She was such a foreign thing, even for a human female.

Sesshoumaru looked about the clearing and frowned.

The miko was late, and she usually wasn’t tardy.

When she finally did appear at the edge of the clearing, it was obvious that something was very wrong.

Even from the distance, he could see that she was trembling; that her face seemed much paler than usual and that her eyes were red from crying, with a few errant tears still rolling down her cheeks.

She stopped in front of him, raising her pained gaze to meet his eyes and choked out in a broken voice: “I could really use a hug right now.”

Hugs weren’t really in Sesshoumaru’s repertoire, but there was no way he could deny comfort from her, not when she had so generously offered comfort to him before.

So he nodded curtly; stood still as she stepped up to him, wound her arms around him and buried her tear-stained face into his chest – he’d stopped wearing his armour to their meetings.

After a moment, he slowly wrapped his arms around her, holding her to him in a loose, hesitant grip. She quieted in his arms and the tears were falling again; he could scent the salt and feel the front of his kimono grow wet.

Although this was the first time the miko had come to him, teary-eyed and in need of comfort, Sesshoumaru had a very strong guess as to what was behind her distress.

That was another unintended consequence – he knew more than he would have cared to about his half-brother’s relationship. And most of what he had heard made him scowl.

What she had told him three months ago about Inuyasha not letting Kagome touch his hair had actually shocked him. Sesshoumaru couldn’t imagine such basic grooming practise being denied between a pair.

Had the human blood truly diluted Inuyasha’s youkai instincts to such a degree? Or was it the product, not unlike the gruffness he so liked to exude, of his harsh upbringing? Or all the tragedy from his liaison with the previous miko still plaguing on the halfbreed’s mind?

Sesshoumaru didn’t really care what the reasons were; they didn’t change the fact that what Kagome told him of Inuyasha’s behaviour sounded illogical.

The halfbreed had claimed to love his miko, but his actions were not giving proof to his words, at least according to everything he’d learnt from Kagome.

And he saw no reason why the miko would lie about such things.

"Do you wish to talk about it?" Sesshoumaru asked once the miko felt a little calmer.

She shook her head, took a deep breath. She squeezed him and pressed closer, and then stepped back, out of his arms and stood still.

"We got into a fight," she said, the words clipped, her tone dull. "We've been getting into a lot of those lately, ever since last month."

She slanted a glance at him and sighed. "I forgot to wash up after last time. Inuyasha smelled you on me."

Sesshoumaru's lip curled. Knowing his half-brother, that couldn't have gone well.

"I tried to explain but he refused to listen. The jealousy, the arguing, it's just too much for me."

The miko was hugging herself now, her arms wrapped tightly around herself.

"Everything just came back to me in this big flash, how things used to be when we were still hunting the jewel shards. The things I used to feel; the jealousy, the anxiety, like I just wasn't good enough…"

Sesshoumaru hated the downcast eyes, the defeated posture.  He reached out, settling his hand on her shoulder.

She looked up at him, then covered his hand with her own, wrapped her fingers around it to trap it to its place much like Sesshoumaru had done to her all those months ago.

"I didn't realise how bad it was. I think I was too young back then to understand, had too much going on to stop and reflect. I can't go back to it. I won't."

Sesshoumaru had no words of comfort to offer. He merely squeezed her shoulder, hoping that the simple touch could alleviate her pain as much as her touch did his.

The winter had arrived. Though there was little snow, the air was bitter cold and the wind blowing in from the sea carried a cruel bite.

That month, they did not meet at the usual clearing. The weather was one definite deterrent for Kagome, but more importantly, they had little reason now to sneak around.

If Inuyasha had a problem with Sesshoumaru and Kagome meeting, he’d have to deal with it on his own.

It was no longer Kagome’s concern.

She refused to get trapped into the web of jealousy again and to be made to feel like she was less. She’d put it all behind her and moved on, painful as it had been.

That was how and why Sesshoumaru was now sitting inside her hut, graciously accepting the cup of tea she’d poured him.

She grabbed her own cup and then seated herself beside him, her hip brushing against his, her shoulder making contact with his arm.

Sesshoumaru slanted her a glance, then with a lazy flick of his wrist he draped his fur pelt around Kagome.

She burrowed into it with a happy sigh.

“This is the warmest I’ve been in days,” she told him, a smile playing on her lips. “Thank you.”

“It is of no consequence,” he said dismissively.

“So, how have you been?”

“As well as I always am,” he replied. “There hasn’t been much change in my life.”

“Well, I hope these meetings have been helping you with the skin hunger.”

He turned to her, met her eyes “They have. My instincts have quieted down considerably thanks to you.”

Kagome flashed a quick smile. “I’m glad.” She looked down at the still green surface of her tea. “It’s funny, I never really expected to get anything out of this arrangement, but it’s really been helping me, too.”

“It has?” Sesshoumaru asked, eyebrow raised.

“Sure. It’s been nice, just talking about things with you. It’s made my mind a lot clearer, helped me process things. Though I feel like I should apologise for the last time, ranting about Inuyasha the way I did. I didn’t mean to talk your ear off.”

“No apologies are necessary,” Sesshoumaru said. “It was unavoidable that the termination of your relationship would affect you. And I am very aware of the halfbreed’s shortcomings.”

Kagome sipped her tea, leaned a little closer to Sesshoumaru.

Idly, he picked up a lock of the raven hair that had brushed against his arm and rolled it between his clawed fingers.

“I do hope we can still be friends,” Kagome spoke after a while. “Inuyasha and I. After he gets over this stupid jealousy and after I have healed. I still care about him I just… can’t handle the way he made me feel about myself.”

“If you do wish to maintain a friendship with him that is your choice,” Sesshoumaru said. “In my opinion, however, you are better off without him.”

“Oh please,” Kagome said, shaking her head. “He’s your brother. The more disparaging you act towards him, the more convinced I am that you care.”

“Hnn.” He took a long sip of his tea.

“See, that right there is as good as an answer,” Kagome declared, triumphant. “I’ve got to know you pretty well over all these months, you can’t fool me.”

“Believe what you will, miko,” Sesshoumaru said – but the tone of his voice was coloured with amusement. He gave the lock of hair he’d been toying with a teasing tug before releasing it.

“Oh, I definitely will,” Kagome told him, grinning.

The air carried her scent to him, light, fresh and sweet. Sesshoumaru hastened his steps. He had been impatient the past couple of days; eager to meet with the miko.

And not because his pack instincts would have been clamouring for the touch of another. All that had quelled significantly in the past several months.

No, the reason was something quite different.

At some point in their arrangement, he’d come to appreciate Kagome’s company. Anticipate it. 

Ache for it.

He reached the clearing.

She was already there, humming to herself as she crouched by a cluster of blue flowers.

A smile rose to Sesshoumaru’s lips, unbidden.

It was like a mirror image of the day their arrangement had been born.

He crossed the clearing on silent feet, then crouched beside her.

She started, surprise turning to a bright, pleased smile.

“Hi!” she greeted him.

He picked up one of the sprigs dusted with a cluster of the tiny blue flowers and tucked it behind her ear.

Her smile warmed and brightened in response.

Sesshoumaru straightened and offered her his hand.

The miko took it, easily twining her fingers with his, letting him help her up.

Her eyes were soft blue pools as she looked up at him and lightly touched the sprig behind her ear.

“Forget-me-nots are some of my favourite flowers. They are so cute and delicate,” she said.

“They suit you,” Sesshoumaru replied.

Her cheeks flushed pink.

She was still holding his hand, and was now gripping it a little tighter.

Sesshoumaru did not mind at all, she was very endearing.

"You seem cheerful today," Sesshoumaru remarked.

"I'm just happy it's spring again," the miko replied, looking around the clearing. "I love all the flowers and it feels like a fresh start."

For a moment they stood there, side by side, hand in hand, the silence between them a thing of comfort and understanding that did not need to be filled with empty words.

"Also it's nice to see you again," she added after a while.

"It is nice seeing you as well, Kagome," he said, meaning every word. “I enjoy our conversations.”

“Me too,” she said, gifting him with a smile that filled him with warmth. "Speaking of, I'd like to hear more about youkai society."

The corners of Sesshoumaru's lips twitched. They had already touched on the topic several times in the past months, but somehow it was flattering that the miko was showing such genuine interest.

"As you wish."

Sesshoumaru released her hand, then sat down on the soft spring grass.

Kagome took her seat in the spot right next to him, close enough for her body to brush against his.

Sesshoumaru looked at her. She met his gaze, expectant but undemanding.

This was something that had become familiar; her sweet scent enveloping him, her gentle presence by his side. The ease of the physical proximity that brought him more comfort than he ever could have predicted.

It all felt right.

Kagome headed towards the clearing where, a little over a year ago, she had entered into her arrangement with Sesshoumaru.

Early on, she had resolved to befriend him.

In that, she had succeeded.

There was now a rapport between them, one she could have never imagined there to be. Month by month, they had got to know one another, open up, build something warm and wonderful.

In one regard, however, Kagome had succeeded almost too well – what she now felt towards Sesshoumaru had surpassed the bounds of friendship.

At some point over the many months her feelings had grown and shifted into something more; something larger than the two of them.

Now, with every step she took towards the clearing – towards him – her heart beat just a little bit faster, the butterflies in the pit of her stomach fluttered little more restlessly.

She was nervous, because she had made up her mind.

Sesshoumaru's demeanour towards her had changed quite a bit from what it had been when their arrangement had started.

It was clear he enjoyed her company, but Kagome was less sure about his feelings towards her.

Was his regard to her similar to what she felt for him? Or was she simply a friend to spend time with and appease his skin hunger?

Today, she was going to find out.

Kagome stepped onto the clearing.

He was already waiting and the sight of him stole her breath.

His hooded golden eyes pierced her where she stood.

Her legs trembled as she slowly crossed the clearing, making her way towards him.

She stopped before him, looked up to meet his eyes, gathered her resolve and reached for him.

Gently, hesitantly, she cupped his face and pulled him towards her, her eyes fluttering shut.

Light as a feather, her lips brushed against his in a chaste kiss.

Kagome’s heart was racing madly when she pulled back, her fingers quivering against his warm skin.

Fear and hope twisted into a knot in her belly as she raised her gaze to search the depths of his golden eyes.

She couldn’t really read them; there were too many warring emotions that vanished too quickly for her to really gauge his reaction.

As the moment stretched, Kagome bit her lip.

She looked down, feeling the threatening burn of on-coming tears. Her fingertips trailed forlorn paths down Sesshoumaru’s cheeks as she began to back away.

The moment she let go of him, he grabbed her wrist, stopping her in her tracks.

Kagome looked up, surprise flickering in her eyes.

“No more tears,” Sesshoumaru told her.

He pulled her close, caught her in a warm embrace and leaned in to place a soft kiss on her forehead.

Breath caught, heart stuttering, Kagome barely had enough time to comprehend what was happening when Sesshoumaru bent down, brushing a second, more intimate kiss on the hollow of her throat.

His hooded eyes trapped her gaze for a brief, breathless moment.

Then, Kagome closed her eyes as Sesshoumaru claimed her lips in a sweet slow kiss.

Smiling against his lips, her heart close to bursting, Kagome wrapped her arms around his neck and melted into him.