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It felt like it was perfect. Something that was truly hers. Not found or scavenged. Not given or stolen. No, the lightsaber was truly hers. The weight was perfect, light enough that she could wield it easily but still solid enough that it felt real in her grasp. It wasn’t clunky and too large like Anakin’s always felt. The dual blades let her fight like she had done since childhood, it was more like her staff, more comfortable, more familiar. She had built it, it was simply perfect. If not for the dual blades being bright red.
She cut a swath through the enemy soldiers, not at all distracted by the strange, darkened tint to the world. She felt powerful, unstoppable as they fell before her easily. The excitement was almost physical, she could almost taste her victory. He was there, the scar finally healed up, still noticeable even now. His own lightsaber came to life, the colour eerily similar to her own.
He talked. He always said the same thing. She had learned to tune him out. Until he was on his knees pleading for his miserable life, she liked hearing him then. She liked toying with him, giving for him hope that she would spare him. Giving him the false hope he had given her once. She cut him in half, it was good enough for Snoke.
She took a moment to enjoy her victory, she deserved it after all. His lifeless body meant it was over, just like the trail of bodies she’d left on her way to him did. She was the one with the power now, no one would stop her. She turned to go back, there had to be others. Simpletons who didn’t know the war was won.
She marched back towards the corridor, the pleased smile still on her face, her cheeks tingling with the unaccustomed stretch. She had time to enjoy her victory, the unbidden thought said as the throne room’s door opened. She would enjoy the carnage. Before she caused more.
The bodies were haphazardly laid, not bothering her in the slightest. Until their faces became clear. Finn was first. Rose’s took a moment to see, her husband’s body obscuring it. Leia. Lando. Chewy. Even Threepio hadn’t been spared. She walked down the dimly lit halls, their bunker was mostly underground with no natural light, the strange dark hue still obscuring everything. But she could name all of them, everyone wasn’t a friend but she could remember all their names.
The hanger was brighter, it should have been busier, had the battle ongoing still. She found nothing but corpses. Every one dead, not from blaster fire but deep cuts burned into their skin. Only one weapon could have done this. She dropped it to the stone floor. Then she ran.
His eyes had always been expressive. Even in death they were, the judgment plain. She had stabbed him more than once but she couldn’t remember it. It was fruitless but she had to check, her head thumping harshly to his chest to check for a heartbeat. That’s when she noticed it. Ripping it off took more effort that she thought it would but the helmet finally gave way. She squinted as the light hit her eyes. It took too long for her to recognize it, it had been shattered and remade. She threw it away from her, the cracks looked like they had been filled with blood.
And she screamed.
They all had nightmares, war did that. There wasn’t a single person here who hadn’t lost someone. Her nightmares were different, no one else’s caused the room to shake, their meager belongings falling to the floor. Her eyes were wide, unseeing, still lost in the horrors of her dream even if they were open. This was always the tricky part, getting her to come back without lashing out. He’d had enough jokes about the size of his nose, he didn’t need it broken on top of everything.
She came back slowly, blinking a few times before he could say she was back. Back from what or where was another story. Sometimes it was just a bad dream, but he had the feeling this wasn’t one of them. Jakku, Starkiller could be the reason tonight. Or even something that had happened before he was born. The future, still bleak was another possibility. With her, you could never know.
“I killed you,” she rasped out. “I killed all of you.”
Future it was. “You did a crap job of it then, still kicking here.”
It was a bad joke but it did the job. She was angry instead of terrified. “I murdered everyone in this base! And what’s worse is I liked doing it!” she hissed as she moved to slide out of their bed.
Rey moved to snatch her clothes off the stone floor, her movements jerky in the rush. “You were him again?” he said plainly. These ones were always the worst.
She stood frozen, unbothered about her nudity. She was still self conscious about that normally, this one had really shaken her. “No, this was different.”
You could never know someone completely, no matter how much time you spent together, how long you’d known them but considering they’d met a year ago, he knew her well. And he didn’t have a kriffing clue how to help her. But he did know, no matter what Snap said, when to shut up. Sometimes.
She didn’t turn to look, pulling on her tunic but nothing else. She could have been a statue she was so still. This wasn’t angry Rey, all motion and screaming, but it wasn’t scared Rey either. That Rey was silent, hiding away. This was a Rey he wasn’t sure he had met before.
“I killed him too. I killed everyone to get to Kylo, I didn’t even notice who I was murdering,” she spoke, her voice bland and lifeless. “I don’t even remember how it started. I just had ... I had a different blade and I loved it. And I used it.”
“If you don’t remember it was probably a dream. A horrible one but it wasn’t a vision,” he finished in a rush.
She nodded once, still stiff, refusing to look at him. “It could still be me.”
He wanted to shout, not at her but her insecurities. He knew intellectually she wouldn’t just snap out of it. A year away from Plutt wasn’t enough to undo the damage. Throw in the First Order, the deaths, it wasn’t going to be easy to make Rey see herself the way he did. The way all of them did. “Anyone can be evil Rey. We lose too much, we get angry enough. But there’s always a choice somewhere. Sometimes it’s small, helping someone we shouldn’t. Sometimes it’s thinking you know better that your new commanding officer,” he chuckled mirthlessly. “We make bad choices. We made bad choices. But we learned from it too.”
Rey finally turned, defeated and worn. She marched the few steps back to him, sinking into his body like she needed him to stand. “I know you’re right, I do, but I still can’t help thinking it’s a warning,” she whispered nervously.
“Then we tell Leia,” he whispered back as he wrapped her up in his arms.
She pulled away slowly, she was tired. The dreams were becoming more frequent, even he was having a harder time believing it was just her subconscious. It had been almost a year since Crait, a year since they met and everything had changed. Childhood stories about the Force, a tree that felt alive, even knowing Leia for years hadn’t prepared him for meeting a Jedi. Let alone falling in love with one. Leia needed to know, this affected all of them. All the galaxy. She was right, it had to be more. Something was coming, something truly evil. But that something wasn’t her.
He kissed her hair, waiting for her to pull away first. “Let’s go talk to the General, maybe she’ll be able to understand better.”
There was that moment, he’d seen it too often since these dreams started. The naked insecurity. He hated it almost as much as the First Order. “You aren’t like him. You’ll never be like him. You care too much.”