Chapter Text
"Eren, where are you going?"
Eren had turned his head, his fingertips had only just brushed against the doorknob when the shy tinkle of guiltlessness ringed in his ears. There she stood, in her new white dress, and that cute pink cardigan, a mere few steps away. She was looking at him with those big grey orbs that were tinted with an abrupt sense of apprehension and loneliness.
"I'm just going to meet someone," he assured her, knowing the uneasiness she presented in both her lightened voice and enclosed posture.
She looked down to her black sandals, her feet shuffled against the wooden floorboards. The red scarf reached up around her face, just below her eyes, and tickled her nose. "Oh..." She felt stupid for acting so nervous, but he got up so suddenly to leave, without telling her. She thought he was leaving her behind, that he didn't want to be around her anymore.
He turned to face her fully, his hands resting by his sides. His head tilted as he trying to catch a peek at her face, but she looked away to hide the blush that tinted her cheeks. He smiled, "do you want to meet him?"
She glanced up with a hint of curiosity, and his smile grew bigger into a toothy grin. "Who?" She asked, with her voice muffled by the scarf.
"A friend. I think you'd like him."
"Will I?"
His eyes rolled back "you coming or not?"
She nodded silently, and shuffled after him.
Trost District. June 850.
On that that day, the sky had turned dark. It was thick and grey; dejected by the carnage below. The unbound beast above bellowed in pity and anguish at the sight of such bloodshed of the poor creatures raising their swords.
Mikasa glided past the endless array of buildings. She was a raven reigning across the pouring sky. The cold wind tousled her black hair, droplets of sorrow stinging her face as each one was spat down at her. She headed to the front, to find her comrades and bring her brother back to safety. She had to let the worry pass, he had promised her before, and he was far too precious to be lost in a cruel world such as their own. She remembered those times during training, when he would look at her and tell her he could kill all the Titans. She wanted to believe him, but knew his reckless need to fight was a dangerous hindrance. She had to protect him from that desperate, never ending desire for vengeance. She had to find him, had to see him again.
She brought herself to a sudden halt, finding her comrades all scattered across the rooftops. She searched frantically, anxious at the sight of defeat. Why are they just sitting here? What's happening?... What happened?
They looked to have given up, fear striking their torn features, rain drowning them in their hesitance. Some were crying, wailing for their mothers and weeping for their fallen friends, a few for their lovers. She frowned, feeling her heart sink. I'm sorry... Her mind echoed out to them, as if somehow, they could hear her and know they are not alone in their sufferings.
She found her eyes finally rest on Armin, he kept himself low, pressed against a wall a good distance distance from anyone. "Armin!" She called. What's wrong? Why are you just sitting there? You couldn't have given up, Eren should have told you that. Have you been injured? Please don't be injured...
He flinched, and his slumped body began trembling at the echo of her metallic voice. No, Mikasa, not now, no... Please, not now, not you... No, no, please no! Please...
She trotted over, fixated on his weak form. She crouched down in front of him, checking her friend over for damage. "Armin? You okay?"
His head bobbed in one swift motion. She gave him a puzzled look, but tried dismiss those negative thoughts brewing within her mind. He looks scared... Of me? He's scared to talk to me? What happened to make him lose his voice?... Titans... Please be okay, Eren, Where are you? Eren? Eren? "Where's Eren?" She asked softly, looking around expectantly. Has he gone back to find me? Has he gone to find help for you? For everyone here?
When she received no answer she looked back at him, his blue eyes bore into hers, they were bloodshot and seeping with guilt and horror and torment. Her eyes widened at this, she knew what had happened. There was no need for words, the look on his face said it all. She didn't want to believe it, she couldn't. No... No, please... Armin? What's with that look? Please, stop it... Please, don't look at me like that... You're scaring me, Armin. Eren, please just tell me he's here... Has he been wounded? I can take care of him, please, tell me where he is!
"Mikasa..." Armin barely choked through the lump in his throat. Please, Mikasa... I'm so sorry, I could have- I should have- No... I- I'm sorry, Eren, everyone... Thomas, Mina, Nac, Mylius... Fuck, no, just, no, no...
He promised me. He said he wouldn't. Mikasa desperately searched Armins' eyes, for what she wanted to hear, no, what she so badly needed to hear.
Several people stopped and stared, hearing Armins' ragged sobs.
I have to tell her, I have to tell everyone... She needs to know, she has to be told. They deserved to be recognised for their efforts... For their sacrifice. Armin found whatever strength he could, he had to give them at least that as he spoke of their end.
"Those... Of the 34th Squad... Thomas Wagner, Nac Tias, Mylius Zeramuski, Mina Carolina, and Eren Jaeger...! All accomplished their duties and were heroically killed in action!" Armins' entire body was shaking feverishly "I'm so sorry, Mikasa... Eren died in my stead... I... Couldn't do anything... I'm so sorry."
Armin could barely speak as he finished, only Mikasa could hear his last words as his body broke down into harsh shivers.
Mikasa looked down, blind of all forms of light. He's gone... I- I didn't make it to him on time... He died. Why Eren? Why...? Why didn't you listen to me? Why didn't I ignore you then? Why Didn't I just come with you? Why Wasn't I here? Why is Armin still alive? Why couldn't you be here too?! Why Eren?! EREN?! I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU, YOU CAN'T BE DEAD, YOU PROMISED ME! EREN! WHERE ARE YOU?! PLEASE, ANSWER ME! WHY?! I WANT YOU HERE, I WANT YOU WITH ME, I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!
Cut the crap, Mikasa.
Eren?
Pull yourself together.
But, Eren... You... I...
Everyone is in real danger! Quit being so selfish, stop thinking only about what you want.
I'm sorry, Eren... I... I'll do it, for you.
She saw Armin, crying down at the tiles of the roof. Armin... Be strong, for Eren. You can't die here. She took Armins' hand gently and met with his dread, meeting his desperate gaze. Her eyes looked so dead, so lifeless. That glitter of grey hope had faded into dark pools of secret despair.
Mikasa... You, you... Please, hate me, It's my fault... You deserve to hate me... I didn't help them, and I've done this to you...
"Armin. Take a deep breath. This isn't the time to get emotional..." her voice was like torn silk. Stop it, Armin. Please, stop it.
Her words slit through his very soul, it was almost as though they weren't intended for him. But for herself...
"Here, stand up." She lifted him up by the hand. She turned immediately from him, trying to hide the toxic blend of woe and spite.
The air was stiff and rigid. The tense atmosphere could be cut with one of their swords. Everyone watched her walk to the edge of the rooftop.
"Marco, if we eliminate the Titans swarming HQ, we can refill our gas tanks and climb the wall, right?" I'll do what I can, for you, for them.
Everyone was taken aback by her steady tone, it was far too steady for someone who just lost their brother, their friend, some thought lover.
"Yeah, that's right" Marco replied hesitantly. "But even if it's you, there are too many-"
She struck him down with the flash of a deathly glare "I can do it. I'm strong." She raised her blade into the air. For you. "Stronger than all of you. Far stronger. I can kill all of those Titans. Even if I have to alone." I'm alone now.
She is strong, no doubt. But something isn't right, she's not herself, she's wearing a mask... Armin thought.
"What the hell are you saying?!"
"You're going to take on that many Titans by yourself?!"
"There's no way that's-"
She stopped him "if I can't, I'll just die" and turned to look away from them. "But if I win, I'll live. If I don't fight, I can't win." That's what you told me, Eren... Now they know, are you happy, Eren? I tried to save them, I tried to tell them. And with that, she leapt from the roof and soared off.
"Mikasa..." Armin mumbled, rubbing his eyes with his bloodied sleeve. I'll follow you, if you can go on, I'll try too... I have to make sure you don't die, I can't let you go, I can't let anyone else die because of me...
Jean slapped his palm against his head, he was afraid, but he knew he couldn't stay there. I can't leave her to fight for us, while we just sit here and allow her to die for us. Not you, Mikasa. If you can still fight, so can we. "Hey! I don't recall being taught to leave our comrades to fight alone! You're all gonna become real cowards!" He raised his swords and raced after Mikasa.
And so, one by one, everyone followed, Armin one of the first after he wiped away his doubts.
Sasha stood on the edge of the roof, calling back to everyone who hadn't got up or moved. "Hey, cowards, weaklings, idiots!" And she leapt too. We can do it! Mikasa's right!
Everyone erupted from the rooftops, following Mikasa's lead as she slashed down Titans at an incredible speed. Die.
"How is she moving so fast?" Connie asked, trying to keep up.
She's using too much gas. At this rate... she's going to run out right away. I don't care how strong she is, without our maneuver gear, we're defenseless! Armin bit his bottom lip as he watched her. I get it now... She's trying to drown out the pain through action.
As if on cue, Mikasa suddenly dropped from the air, crashing onto a roof and into an alleyway.
"Mikasa!" Armin immediately charged in her direction, she was quite far away though. "Please be okay."
Connie followed after him, leaving Jean to lead the race for HQ.
...
Mikasa fell onto her knees, letting her hands fall against the cold, wet ground. It happened again... I lost my family again. This pain is familiar.
Around the corner, a twelve metre Titan noticed her fall, and was slowly coming to claim its' prize. It's belly heaving at every pregnant step, likely full of her comrades, her friends.
This world is merciless... And it's also very beautiful. She thought of that day, oh so long ago. He wrapped his scarf around her head, taking her home. I tried, Eren. I tried to save them, they might not die now... I've done what you told me. My final duty. Thank you, Eren. She looked up, her eyes pleading to the dull grey sky. I've lived a good life...
And so she waited, and waited, each earth pounding step taking its time. Each moment agonizing. But still she waited, unmoving. It's hand reached out slowly, creeping further and further towards her, ready to grasp her in its' filthy palm.
She slashed off its' fingers with her broken sword, and leapt back before it swung it's other hand at her.
I don't understand, why am I fighting it? Why am I struggling?
It swung its' healing hand at her again, tossing her across the alleyway. She slowly stood with a raspy cough. Why am I standing?
The Titan stumbled into the debris it had created, too anxious to kill. Giving Mikasa time to think.
My life has no meaning anymore... So why am I still fighting?
The Titan loomed over her, grinning devilishly. She stepped back a few steps, before turning to run.
FIGHT!
Eren...? She froze, coming to a halt as the Titan behind her paced closer. It grabbed her, pulling her up to level with its' eyes. It was staring at her, as though she were the most tiniest meal it had ever seen. Its' mouth opened slowly, the strands of saliva stretched from its' upper and lower jaw as it gaped.
FIGHT! YOU MUST FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Her eyes swelled, pricking with tears. I'm sorry, Eren... I won't give up. She could remember him, his peaceful sleeping face all those years ago when they were just children. I'll never give up again. The tears fell down her face silently, sliding off of her chin and down her neck. If I died, I wouldn't be able to remember you... So I'll win, no matter what!
...
"Mikasa!" Armin yelled, catching sight of Mikasa as she was grabbed by a fearsome twelve metre Titan. He charged onward as fast as he could, he saw her break free, stabbing. her broken blade into the Titans' face. It held onto her legs, pulling her down into its' mouth. She relented, grabbing its' flesh and stabbing again, pulling herself upwards so she was leaning on its' nose. Hold on, Mikasa, hold on!
"Connie, I need you to go for its' neck! I'll keep it distracted" Armin called back to Connie, who was a few metres behind.
"I'll try my best!" Connie replied, grinding his teeth as he focused on the Titan ahead of him. I can't fail, I can't, straight for the nape of the neck. Like training. Come on...
Don't be afraid. I can't let my fear take over, not again. Armin smashed into the Titans' hand, cutting his blades into it. Its' hold loosened ever so slightly, he didn't pierce deep enough.
"Armin?!" Mikasa yelped, pulling herself further up the Titans' face, but it kept enough grip on her legs to prevent her escape. What are you doing, Armin? Go away, you need to live.
"Connie!" Armin yelled, voice hitched with fear.
"I know!" Connie yelled, pulling the first trigger of his maneuver gears' handles, forcing the grappling hooks to connect with the back of the Titans' neck. He pulled the lever at the back of each handle, and the gas pushed him forward. He extended his blades, and slashed with as much force as his arms could manage.
The Titan froze, its' eyes rolling back behind its' lids. It fell forward, loosening its' grip on Mikasa.
"You did it!" Armin called, pushing himself up to catch Mikasa before she fell. We did it... We saved you... He thought as he kept a firm hold around her torso. She's quite heavy... he noted, crashing onto the nearest rooftop, letting Mikasa fall a metre in front of him. "Mikasa, are you okay?!"
"I'm fine... Armin?" She looked in disbelief. You saved me?
Connie then landed next to them, better than they had to say the least. "Are you guys alright?!" Connie beamed.
"Yes" Armin quickly replied. "Thanks for your help." We wouldn't have made it without you.
Connie nodded "we've got to get out of here." I can boast when we get the fuck back to safety.
"I've got a problem. I'm out of gas." Sorry.
There was a stagnant pause, how the hell did he forget that?
Armin looked down and bit his lip again. "Here, Mikasa... Take my tanks, you need them more than I do." He began to take the tanks out of their holsters and replace them with Mikasas'. Let me help you, I need to help you.
"Armin." She grabbed his wrist, stopping him from replacing the second one. Don't be stupid, Armin.
"It's okay, I know I'm useless, but at least I can do this for you. You should take my blades too. But could you leave me this one? At the very least... I don't want to be eaten alive." He held her broken blade in his hand, staring at it with a fearful glint of tragedy.
She took the blade from him, throwing it into the alleyway without a moment to spare thought to the motion. Your not useless, you never were useless.
"But..." He stared down where to she threw it, his eyes trembled.
"Armin" she called his name gently, as she touched his shaking hand. You saved me.
He turned his head slowly to look at her, confused and fearful. He could see the sad expression on her face, the light tint in her eyes shifted slightly but repeatedly. Is she pitying me?
"I won't leave you behind" the light seeped through the clouds, lighting her short, black hair.
His eyes widened further. "B-but, with so many Titans around, you can't possibly carry me along..."
"I will not leave you behind." Her voice became harder, more assertive. I will not let you give up that easily.
Another pause, Mikasa looked him in the eye, not letting her gaze falter.
Armin looked down in defeat. "You still need the gas more than I do, let me replace the other one..."
She didn't argue this time, but still didn't seem happy as he place his other tank into her holster.
"I could carry you, Armin. Mikasa needs the mobility, she's better at facing the Titans than me, I know that." Even though I made a pretty cool kill just now... Can't believe I pulled that off.
"I-"
"Come one, let's go, we haven't got time to argue anymore." Mikasa ran to the edge of the building, Connie grabbed him by the wrist, pulling him to run with them. No! Please... I'll just end up getting more of my friends killed!
"Wait!" Armin yelled, pulling back his arm.
"What is it? We don't have much time, Armin" Connie groaned.
"We need to be more vigilant, with so many Titans around. If you won't leave me behind, then at least let be a look out for you both. We have to avoid a fight at all costs. You and Mikasa can handle short distance observation, for any Titans' I can't spot I'll handle long distance and try to map out the quickest, and safest route." I promise, I won't be a burden, forgive me.
"Alright" Mikasa agreed. I trust your judgement, Armin. Think better of yourself. Don't you realise we need you?
"Fine" Connie lifted Armin up and they leapt from the rooftop.
"Mikasa, you should stay behind, keep an eye open for Connie. Connie, keep your eyes open" Armin planned, keeping an eye on the distance, where he saw HQ.
We have to fight. And we will win. I promise, Eren.