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Eight months ago, I gave him everything. I told him my dirtiest secrets, everything I had done that I regretted everything that had been done to me that I regretted. I bared my soul to him and he bared his soul to me.
I told him everything, no holding back, not sugar coating it and he accepted me. He told me that I was strong and that I had made the right decisions, and that there was nothing more that I could have done or should have done. He held me as I broke down.
We both had things in our past that was difficult for us to deal with but knowing that we had each other made it that much easier to go through this life we live. To know that we were not alone made it so that we could swallow the pain and put on a smile.
He told me he loved me. He told me that he wanted to erase every bad thing that had ever happened to me. He told me that he would love me like I deserved to be loved and that he would never let anyone hurt me again. He told me he would do anything for me.
I didn’t say anything to him, and maybe I should have. But he knew that I felt the same. He deserved someone who would treat him like I would, and I deserved him. We were perfect for each other – we worked out together, hung out together, after missions we would seek each other out for comfort, we did almost everything together. But I knew better.
The team thought that we were good for each other. Assumed that we were dating just because we were always together whenever the team did anything. At the gun range we always were next to each other, at the gym always spotting each other, despite the fact that he was much stronger and much taller than me.
We sat in silence after his confession for a while. I held his hand and told him that I would not date him because we were on a team together and another big reason that did not need to be mentioned. I knew that if we ever were to break up that it would be detrimental to our friendship and being on a team and depending on each other for survival I wouldn’t allow that to happen.
In hindsight, I was probably a coward. No, I was a coward. I had my chance at happiness and I blew it. But she came back and everything changed.
They had been dating for about five years. Known each other before I came into the picture. Bucky and Natasha the couple that outlasted everything else. Push come to shove they always came out of it. And believe me there was a lot of pushing and shoving going on.
Everything was fine with them before she went on the yearlong mission. She took it to get away from him and she knew it. He loved her too much and it scared her, so she ran. But she managed to keep him on a hook, pulling him along through everything. Anytime a mission went wrong or a problem arose he took care of it for her, from afar of course. He bought her things that she didn’t need because she wouldn’t buy them for herself and then when she got them she complained that she was cheap.
That’s when I met him, during the yearlong mission. That’s when we began our friendship and did everything together. I was stupid, dating around, getting more and more hurt with each attempt. He watched and told me that they weren’t good for me but it didn’t matter because I just wanted to fine someone to spend my time with.
At first when she came back nothing really changed. I invited her to come to everything I invited him to come to, because he was my best friend and I wanted to meet his girlfriend but something always came up.
Then he couldn’t hang out with me outside of what the team did together. We still hung out but it always had to be under the disguise of a meeting or training. It never bothered me because I never knew. He would make the excuses with her and tell me the truth.
The truth was that she was emotionally abusive. Telling him that he was nothing without her, that if she left he might as well kill himself because no one else would love damaged goods like him. He believed her, I think to some extent, but he also knew that he was worth more than that. But he had been under her thumb for so long, I didn’t know if he would ever be able to get out.
It was one of the last few times that we saw each other before the team split from the accords argument. We sat on the floor of the gym on one of the mats side by side, arms touching when he told me he loved me and I froze.
After the accords fall out I ran away, over whelmed that the family that I had tried so hard to keep together through thick and thin had disappeared almost overnight. It took me a while to come back around and help everyone defeat the next big threat, but at that point we weren’t a team anymore.
That’s when I realized I loved him back. It took our entire world falling apart for me to realize that it was okay that I loved him back despite the fact that he was in a very committed relationship because he told me that he loved me.
I tried to tell him one morning over coffee, but I was nervous. I would be breaking up a relationship for my own happiness. That wasn’t me, I wanted everyone to be happy at my own expense not the other way around.
I ended up word vomiting that I loved him back and that if he ever wanted to break up with her I would be here, waiting. It sounded pathetic, and in all honesty it was. He smiled at me only because he was confused. It had come out of nowhere and I knew that. But I walked away, without giving any more information. I’m an idiot, I know.
I’ve been on missions for a few months and I have just come back. I never contacted him while I was gone, but then again he never contacted me. I texted him the other day wishing him a happy birthday. He told me that we should catch up but I know he is being distant. That warmth that I usually get from him isn’t there anymore.
So I’m wondering did I love him because we were best friends turned into something more? Or did I love him because he was the first person to accept me fully despite my flaws and my past? Do I still love him? I think so. I mean I haven’t tried dating anyone else, really, because of my past I am scared to get close to people and open up and I am afraid that no one will ever accept me the way that I am, the way he did.
That is the story of me and Bucky Barnes. A tale of friends to lovers to nothing at all.