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“Oi what the fuck yer doin’ out in the damn cold like this, You don’t wanna get sick d’yer?” a whimsical old man tuts in his uneven, nonchalant voice.
It was such a way to ruin a good night for Jimin sometimes , you’ll never know if they wanted to be nice or they want to nag you like a bitch.
‘Here we go again, what kind of life lessons will they give me now’ Jimin chuckles defeating.
Jimin doesn’t really like him that much ,in fact he doesn’t like this camp at all. He doesn’t want anything to associate with these people to be honest but he doesn’t have a choice to choose now do he?
He might’ve but that was before everything went down to hell . ‘You’re not in your right mind jimin’ , ‘you don’t have any choice’ , ‘stop praying and wishing for a new day, ‘god wont grant your stupid little wish’ , ‘ stop and move on’ .It was like a recorded cd in his brain now, everyday he repeats the tape in his head. He couldn’t stop. Well... it wouldn’t stop.
Frankly ,even though he kept telling himself that everything wasn’t going be the same and he just have to suck it up . A small part of him deep inside his heart just wishes for everything to be perfect just the way it used to be .,with his amazing family... oh it doesn’t even have to be perfect, just a little better than right now would be all he wants .He just wish he can see Jeongguk again...
That name again,,, circling around his head. Cutting deep inside his heart.
Oh... how he adore that name so much. That name. It sounds like a waterfall a strong yet calming one. Jimin loves how that name tasted like fresh sweet honey rolling off his tongue . Definitely , a taste to remember. A nostalgic syllables that makes you miss it everyday.
“Its ok sir, m’not really cold and plus I ate too much today need the exercise for the baby to stay healthy” Jimin uttered still staring up at the night sky painted by beautiful shimmering stars like gems, breathing in the freezing air gradually, hand unconsciously rubbing his 9 months baby bump.
“Whateva y’say kiddo.... we don’t yer to get sick. causes us lot’ o troubles when a preggo gets sick” he took a deep wavering sigh, “look after yer little one well, it will be a bummer if it don’t get to see the world before its eyes” the old man limped back into the camp where many life are chatting and eating well after they knew that they are already safe from the natural disaster .
“Doesn’t sound that convincing... oh well thanks anyway , i will” Jimin whispered though he knew the man was already inside and didn’t hear him one bit.
Stargazing after dinner has become Jimin’s routine of the day. Well, he doesn’t have much of a routine,
Oh what can he really do ; after all this is just a camp for people who were luckily saved from the big tsunami that just devastated the whole coastline of South Korea. He really can’t do anything except for going to sleep, waking up, eat his meals, talk to his baby and then repeat it all over again.
He can’t work or help anyone either since the paramedics wouldn’t let him because he’s pregnant. Honestly he wish he could work. If he work maybe he wouldn’t get glares from other survivors because they thought he is getting the privilege even though he doesn’t deserve it in their eyes or that he’s being too much of a princess, whatever it is Jimin despise them so much. He just hate the constant voices of people talking shit about him behind his back. He hated it , he just want it gone. But he can’t be picky right now, it’s really not the appropriate time.
While Jimin was still in his own little world, cheeks and nose red from the cold and eyes flickering to find something that can engage his attention more. Moments of deafening silence past until he found something,,
He gasped eyes widening . He found it, a particular star, the one his husband would repeat it every night in his ear while they were chilling at the beach.
His husband had a belief that this one particular thing is more than a lucky charm and Jimin couldn’t bring himself to believe him at first and always just giggle along... until one day when his husband told him what it meant.
‘The Polaris’
The name is just so endearing, brings lots of memories back, sad ones and good ones;
———————————
“Hey babe, do you see that star there? The brightest one out of all 5?” jeongguk said as he glided his long finger towards one patch of the night scenery, to be stopped at one very outshining star.
“Hmm, I see it love, why? What is it” Jimin muttered full of love while he kissed his husband’s nose delicately. And look back up to the sky from his Jeonggukie who is lying his head on Jimin’s lap nuzzling his face into the flesh.
“That’s a very important star to me Jiminnie, it’s called the Polaris and it’s the brightest stars of all” Jeongguk spoke with so much admiration. Whilst Jimin frowned at it.
“Hmmm, tell me how?” Jimin pinched his husband’s cheeks with curiosity.
“Jeongguk chuckles “It’s so outstanding because it shines so bright it would sometimes help to guide unfortunate people who are lost in the forests or places ,back to the safe place and I couldn’t agree with it enough. Because, all my life, it has been a shitty ride, I lived life a like a lost puppy, don’t know where to go or how to do shits correctly-“
Jimin rememberers he took a very deep devastating breath.
“But the day I met you under that starry night accompanied by the calming moonlight in busan. That night I saw the polaris , right above us and that moment I knew that the north star would never disappoint me, all the time in my life I was just a dark room until you came in and light it up. you are truly the light of my life”
“And I would do anything to not lose you because that means I’ll lose the light...the purpose of my life” he said while slowing sitting up and faced Jimin , closing the gap between them both sealing their love for each other.
••••••••
Jimin’s eyes pooled with warm tears that just comes out unconsciously, he didn’t want to cry, he already cried enough but he couldn’t stop. Though that was a good memory; he still remembers till right now at this moment the event that happened before everything breaks loose.
••••••••
“OUCH, DON’T HIT ME”
Jimin needed to get out of his grip,
“GET IN THE DAMN CAR, STUPID PRICK, YOU’RE GONNA DROWN IN THIS SHIT IF YOU DON’T” A man in in his 40s screamed horrifyingly at Jimin. Though it was scary because of the way he screamed, Jimin knew he was worried.
“SIR PLEASE YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND , MY HUSBAND. YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY SEPARATE HIM FROM US“ Jimin sobs in frustration as he can’t find where one certain man went.
“I DON’T CARE JUST GET IN THE DAMN CAR, I’LL OFFER YOU 5 SEC GET YOUR ASS IN THERE NOW OR YOU’LL BE THE CAUSE OF EVERYONE’S DEATH” the man grabbed Jimin by his shirt and dragged him to the truck. He finally pushed Jimin on it.
“Please p-please d-don’t do t-this I b-beg of y-you” The poor man sobbed like there’s no tomorrow holding on to the metal railing of the truck, knuckle painfully white from the impact of squeezing. “I-i have t-to see h-him” Jimin knew he looked pathetic right now with tears blurring his eyesight, snots running down his red nose but he couldn’t care less, he doesn’t care at all.
The man was ready to walk off to the passenger seat but when he open the door, he glance back at Jimin who is on the truck , the man’s gaze is filled with sympathy. “M’ sorry kid, for now we’ll just have to keep on moving hm?” he got in the car and told the driver to go. Jimin’s feels like he can’t breath as the car traveled through the rough path way.
They arrived at a stopping place , the man earlier told them they still got a long way to go before they are completely safe and they’ll just have to rest here for one night. Jimin couldn’t really grasp all the information being said, simply his body wouldn’t do so.
Until one shout broke through his walls he has started to build up to isolate himself from everyone .
“JUHYUN, WE GOT A CALL FROM THE OTHER RESTING CAMP, THiS ONE KID’S APPARENTLY GOING CRAZY”
A beautiful woman shrieked, her voice alerting.
Jimin’s heart thumped, his ears rang and his body automatically turned towards the woman.
“HE WANTED TO TALK TO SOMEONE NAME JIMIN OR SOMETHING, WHAT DO WE DO?, HE’S GOING INSANE BACK THERE” she continued.
The Juhyun guy scoffed with annoyance “ you have to be fucking kidding with me”
“We’re not gonna waste our time finding this Jimin guy to fulfil some kid’s day or something Aera ,we have too much on our han-“ the man was stopped in the middle of his sentence.
“Excuse me, I’m the Jimin guy, I would love to hear from my husband please” Jimin spoke his voice completely dropping a lower octave, very monotonous.
The man and woman gasped at him. “I don’t think we can do that” the spoke in unison. Jimin’s features hardened at the words.
“Hey you both back off for a sec, just let him do it. Won’t take ya that long aye?” The man who looked at Jimin with pity earlier cocked an eyebrow at him with a reassuring smile.
The duo looked at each other before nodding their heads “ quick, you have 5 mins , we gotta make hella lot a phone calls after this” the man named Juhyun flatly spoke.
Jimin nod at him eyes very thankful , then he proceeded to the telephone that lying flat on the wood desk. His hands that are shaking at full limit picked it up and put his ear to it.
All he could hear was heavy breathing ,some guttural noises and loud sniffing. He breathes out ,eyes watering as he missed the man on the other end so much.
He collected himself and slowly whispered, “h-hey my darling”
He heard the other end gasped with utter shock, and a wavering scared voice followed after...
“J-jimin-ah is that you baby?” The voice was absolutely uncertain , scared to know if this was all just a sad dream or not, it broke Jimin’s heart completely.
“Yes bubs , it’s me did you miss me? I miss you so much” Jimin’s hands does not seem to stop shaking.
“I miss you too, a fucking lot baby and I miss the little one too, you can’t comprehend how much. its like my heart is being ripped out” Jeongguk uttered with so much sadness.
“It’s ok hm? We’ll meet again soon right?” Jimin smiled up a bit but he later frowned when he didn’t received an answer back.
“Honey?”
He hears the other end sighs full of despair and sorrow.
“Jimin-ah, I don’t know if its true or not, but the helpers told us we are unfortunately very close to the tsunami unlike you guys who are way up north. It’s really dangerous for us here but we’ll be leaving this as soon as possible so its a relief but we couldn’t get our hopes up yet” Jeongguk explain calmly ,his voice sounding like he’s already accepted his fate, like everything was going to be ok, like nothing happened at all. Jimin didn’t like it.
He couldn’t speak, he gathered all the courage but he just couldn’t. He wanted to scold Jeongguk on how care less he is with his tone but he just couldn’t, his lips quiver, more tears pooled his eyes , ‘what does that supposed to mean?” He asked himself.
“H-hey baby we don’t have much time left, don’t worry about me, I’ll survive. It was my fault that my shitty job has to seperate me into another truck right? So I just have to suck it up” Jimin listens to his smooth voice with care but he didn’t dare to speak.
“Jimin do you remember that night at the beach? When I told you what ‘polaris’ was?” Jimin nodded his head replaying the memory in is mind “I told you that polaris would indicate a lost person back to the safe space right?” Jimin nodded again even though he knows that Jeongguk can’t see him, “I’ll use it, I’ll use the polaris one day. When everything turns back to normal, I’ll use it to find my way back to you baby” Jimin could hear the other man’s voice wavers with emotions and he couldn’t help to cry even more.
“Remember Jimin you’re my light and my purpose , I would never lose you, ever. So wait for me my sweet jiminie I’ll come to you when everything ends, when the waves stop when the springs come back, You’ll see me there in front of your eyes. In no time ok?” Jimin could only sobbed and sobbed.
“Answer me my love, you’ll wait for me right? With our little one in your arms or maybe faster than that” he chuckles sheepishly “ so we can live together again as a family?” Jeongguk’s delicate voice rang through his ears.
Jimin wiped away his tears , swallowed his saliva down and finally coughed, “ I will, I wait for you to come back to me. Come back to us, so please come by soon, don’t leave us hanging for long, stay safe and sound p-please “ Jimin begged.
“Mhm, you can count me on that baby. I love you both so so so much ok? Stay put”
“I love you too.... so much” Jimin uttered.
“1 MIN LEFT” a voice yelled scaring the shit out if Jimin.
“Hm, only 1 min left huh?” Jeongguk laughs.
Jimin didn’t answer he didn’t want to hang up.
Suddenly Jeongguk spoke out of nowhere.
“Jimin? I think we should name the little one ‘byeol’ , it means stars, since stars means so much to both of us. Our little one will be the new star to our life when it comes out what do you think?” Jeongguk giggles full of youth.
Jimin smiled fondly at his tummy and answered “hm, great idea my love, Jeon Byeol . I love it”
“Good. Gotta go now Jimin. Take care baby see you soon” Jeongguk bid his goodbye.
“Good bye darling, don’t forget to find your way back to us” Jimin said that last sentence as he hears the line cut off.
He put the phone back to where it was and walk back to where he was sitting without any words.
Their Jeonggukie will come back to them. He will.
But that was a lie, a sad fucking truth;
Jimin heard the news about the temporary camp that Jeongguk stayed in was hit again by an even bigger tsunami.
At first Jimin couldn’t believe it, he didn’t want to. He couldn’t brace himself to think that the love of his life. The father of his child was really gone.
Just like that, just like thin air. Like a branch that was flooded by river streams and ended up somewhere foreign, somewhere definitely not home.
He vanished
He’s gone
They can’t find the bodies
They can’t find him
They can’t find Jeonggukie
It was hard to accept, extremely hard.
He kept himself away from everyone and wouldn’t eat,he tried to kill himself multiples of times but he was stopped every time.
Until one day when his stomach started hurting really badly and the doctors found him struggling on the floor with his arms clutch around his stomach.
The doctors scolded the shit out of him that day. They said that if Jimin ever pulls up anything stupid like that ever again, he’ll lose his baby.
He tried again after that; only once more but he just couldn’t, he reminded himself that he can’t tortured the baby like that. He hated himself for putting that pain on the baby. It’s the reason why Jimin talk to his bump everyday, it’s to apologise to his precious one
He promise himself that after the baby is born , it will be named Jeon Byeol like Jeongguk wanted. The governments was already building new estates for people like Jimin who lost his house to natural disaster 7 months ago to live in.
Finally he would be leaving this place behind and start a new life with his baby.
Forgetting everything bad memories and tries to recreate new happy ones like before with Jeonggukie but this time without the said man...
Thinking back to all of that was just another heartbreak for Jimin, which is the reason why he doesn’t want to remind himself much. But every time he finds the north star he always remembers him, the person he loved to death. He remembers his dazzling smile and everything else in between. But he knew he had to moved on.
People likes to say that it is not healthy to keep remembering those that has passed, we should just erase them out of our memories.
See, Jimin doesn’t believe in those kind of things. Its not the way they keep bringing the deads back. But its the way people cope with their feelings; Jeongguk was gone for months now but Jimin had no problems remembering him from time to time. Different humans has different ways of dealing things and even though people surrounding Jimin told him to forget his dead husband already, Jimin never listens to them. He knows himself and he knows that he’s ok with having Jeongguk still lingering in his heart.
Yet, he acknowledges that Jeongguk was far gone elsewhere. But in Jimin’s heart he’s still there.
He rubbed his tummy once again speaking to it softly “hey little one, sorry mummy didn’t speak to you a lot today, I was just very overwhelmed by everything today. I wish I could do work to help the camp but I have to wait for you to come out first right?” Jimin laughs .
A freezing wind blew by which cause Jimin to question why was it so cold today, it has never been this cold ever since spring started. But he just brushed it off.
He let another moment of comfortable silence slipped by until he finally speaks;
“Byeol -ah , one day when you grow up to a certain age. Mummy will tell you” he can’t stop himself from getting emotional, his words freezes for a moment. He knew he can’t just keep getting sad over something in the past, so he collected himself and started again, “ I’ll tell you a story about this one amazing man, I loved so much, He was the nicest person you would ever encounter.... one day ,you’ll learn on how to be a fantastic person like him” Jimin smiles warmly at the stars “his name was Jeon Jeongguk....”
Jeongguk-ah are you listening? Hmm I hope you are my love. Did you hear that? That one day I’ll teach our little Byeol to be someone as spectacular as you? I’ll do everything to make sure of that. So don’t worry. Rest well.
Jimin wakes up the next day with agonisingly sharp pain in his tummy, he couldn’t sit up from his bed. The pain was nearly too much. Thats was when he felt water around his crotch and legs area and he knew straight away what was going to happen so he frantically yelled for help
Hours and hours of nothing but painful screams has passed by, but those hours were worth it because in return Jimin received a beautiful baby boy. There was nothing to describe much about it but just that he is the exact carbon copy of Jeongguk, everything, every features.
The doctors put the baby gently as possible on Jimin’s chest and quickly patch the wound up before leaving the room for a moment for the new born and mother bonding time.
Jimin sat up slowly with Byeol in his arm, he cooed at the baby softly, emotions overwhelming.
“Hey Byeol-ah , its your mummy, we finally get to see each other hm?” Jimin giggles sweetly “After 9 months of carrying you in my stomach, it wasn’t easy at all . Sorry for all the things I’ve done while you were in there but I promise to be better ok?” He cooed.
The baby made a small movement with a grunt when Jimin kiss his forehead and it makes Jimin beams so widely it was blinding.
After 10 mins of just him admiring the baby and the nurse coming in with milk to feed it, Byeol already drifted off to sleep.
Jimin keep staring lovingly at his son,
“Guk-ah, are you watching over us right now? It’s our baby! Byeol. Hmm, I hope you are, because he’s so cute and small and he looks exactly just like you! I hope he takes after you personality as well” Jimin whispered to no one in general.
“You are truly amazing Jeongguk, thank you so much for this little one in my arms , I couldn’t thank you enough. And I hope you’re resting well right now,,”
“Please don’t worry about us anymore, rest well in heaven, I’ll take good care of Byeol from now on and I will tell him a story about you everyday so he remembers how great his dad truly was” Jimin eyes starts to water but he stops the sobs from coming out.
“Guk-ah and I just want you to know, even though you didn’t find Polaris and wasn’t able to come back to me.to us. Just know that , it’s ok; you’ll never lose me, I’ll still be right here with Byeol in my arms , we’ll be here together ok?” The latter sniffs using his right hand to wipe away his tears.
But what Jimin didn’t know was a certain someone was listening to his little speech behind the door....
A knock startled Jimin and he smoothly answered ‘ come in’ expecting it to be a nurse.
But when he looked up, it was a whole different feeling. A whole new world. He couldn’t speak , he felt the oxygen knocked out of his lungs. He couldn’t even focus properly at the particular someone in front of him as a sentence replays in his brain;
“When the springs comes back, you’ll see me in front of you”
And he was really here, standing within 2 metres away from Jimin’s bed.
The man stares at him with tears filled eyes, he couldn’t stop flicking his eyes between Jimin and the little bundle snuggled up warmly in his arm.
Jimin was in a state of shock, he can’t comprehend this. This hurts his head. He wants to say something but he can’t so he wait for the latter in front of him. Thats when the man spoke up.
“Hey babe, looks like I really did found my way back to you hm?” Jeongguk smiles through his tears.
~the end~