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Phil's hands are holding his head. Elbows resting on his knees, he's slumped forward, sitting on the sofa barely keeping his eyes open.
He can't remember the last time he slept more than 45 minutes in a row.
Yes he can, it was three weeks and one day ago.
The day before Thea was born. The night before they got the call they were going to be parents.
That night was a blissful sleep.
Even the thought of restful sleep both calms him slightly and makes his heart ache for memories past.
He knows he's being dramatic, but he's delirious.
It's quiet for the moment but he can't hold out hope that it will last. Thea's been screaming for what feels like days.
His parents left six days ago. Six days they've been on their own. They've had six whole days of screaming.
Dan walks back into the room lightly, like any step will cause her to wake up.
"She sleeps."
He sits next to Phil and leans to rest his head on Phil's shoulder.
"Me sleep," Phil murmurs as he leans them both backwards, wrapping an arm around Dan and pulling him into his chest as he leans back into the sofa.
Dan huffs a laugh. "We sleep," then he giggles. "Ahh fuck, I'm losing my mind."
Phil brings his hand up into Dan's hair and turns to kiss his forehead.
"Sleep before it wakes up," his voice is barely a whisper, already drifting to sleep himself.
He hears Dan hum in agreement and then falls asleep.
After what feels like 30 seconds, he hears crying again. It's faint and distant. It almost feels as though it's moving away from where he is.
Why is there a baby running away from him?
It makes no sense. Babies aren't suppose to run.
Babies.
A baby.
Crap, it's Thea.
That jolts him out of his dream and he realizes that she is crying. And she's definitely not running.
Dan's still asleep on his chest so he moves him slowly so he's laying on the sofa. It doesn't look that comfortable, but he doesn't want to risk waking him.
He hurries up the stairs to Thea's room, hoping he can calm her before Dan wakes up.
A quick glance on the clock tells him it's time for her next bottle. That's the easiest answer to her screaming. It has a solution that she happily accepts and she usually sleeps again afterwards.
He scoops her out of the crib and cradles her into his left side. She settles a bit, squirming and rooting for food.
As he makes his way quietly down the stairs and into the kitchen, he bounces her gently and hums.
A similar sight a week ago had brought tears to his mum's eyes. Phil was in the kitchen at three-something in the morning preparing a bottle.
For some reason, he found himself humming the theme song for Buffy. A noise from behind him made him jump and he spun around to find his mum leaning against the counter.
"Continue," her smile was radiating off of her face. As he gathered the bottle and a cloth and made his way to the sofa, she was silent, just watching the two of them.
Kath joined him, sitting in the chair across from where he was resting Thea in his arm, propping her up with a pillow.
"You're a natural, Phil." Her voice shakes a little, like she's trying to hide the emotion behind it.
The confusion on his face is not very well hidden and she chuckles quietly.
"I don't have any clue what I'm doing, mum."
"None of us ever do, love. Just trust your gut, you're doing great."
It gives him a bit of a jolt of new energy, the memory of her smile and how she watched him with Thea. Her confidence that he was doing okay, even if it felt like he was falling apart.
Back in Thea's room, she's settled in for a feed and he pulls out his phone.
It's just about noon hour. Their days have felt so inside-out, he's almost not convinced it's not the middle of the night.
He glances over to the window where he can see light peeking in below the curtain.
Maybe later they should get outside. After her next bottle, take her for a short walk. It would be good for all of them, he thinks.
He scrolls through his notifications and sees a text from his mum and smiles.
Mum : How's the little family today?
It was sent almost two hours ago. When the screaming was at full force.
Phil : It's okay. She slept a bit, had a bit of fit, eating now.
Mum : Hope she sleeps well after. How are you and Dan?
Phil : Tired, ha. I'm letting him sleep now. Trying to take your advice of taking turns.
Mum : It will help keep you sane my boy, you both can't always be awake!
Mum : Call me when you've rested.
Mum: And send me a new picture.
Mum : or 5
Phil smiles, she's trying to not hover, not ask a million questions or be overbearing but she wants to know everything, to be involved and helpful, but she's so far away.
Phil : Course I will. love you
Mum : Love you too, child. Kiss that sweet baby for me.
He takes a picture of Thea's face up close. Her closed eyes and tiny little nose and sends it to her.
Phil : *kiss kiss*
Mum : my heart just exploded.
He puts his phone down and stares at his daughter as she finishes her bottle. After burping and changing her without incident, he softly puts her back in the crib and closes the door behind him.
Quietly making his way down the stairs, he sends the picture to Dan's mum too. Both grandma's always desperate for photos of their only grand baby.
Karen : What a sweet angel.
Karen : You boys let me know when you are settled so I can come visit again.
Guilt hits him in the stomach. His parents spent two full weeks at their house when they brought Thea home. Karen had visited a few times, but was in and out within a few hours. She hadn't been back in almost a week.
Her relationship with Dan was so much better than before but he was bad at reaching out to her. It got worse when he was distracted, or his depression worsened or he was sleep deprived.
Phil made sure to check in with Dan daily to see how his head was holding up. He was doing okay, a little shaky at moments, but felt happy and positive. But it was rocky enough for any effort for reaching out to family to fall by the wayside.
Phil usually didn't coordinate things with Karen-rarely ever texted her. That was up to Dan, when he felt he was up for it. But he figured things were different now.
Phil : Anytime! Seriously, whenever you're available next, let us know! We aren't going anywhere anytime soon.
He hopes it's not too over the top, doesn't sound like he's trying to make up for something.
Karen : I would love that. I'm in town Wednesday and have the afternoon free if that's okay?
Phil : Perfect! I'll let Dan know. Thea's excited to see you!
He realizes he's standing at the sofa, just hovering above Dan who now had Hugo cuddled under his arm. He snaps a photo of Dan sleeping, he looks peaceful.
Phil : So is this sleepy guy.
He sends her the photo and hopes it's not too much, he never knows where the line is with her. They hid things from her for so long, it’s taken a long time for Phil to feel comfortable saying anything without Dan as a buffer, keeping a safe distance.
The response comes back immediately, crushing down his worry.
Karen : Thank you, Phil.
He just sends back a smiley face, not sure what to say.
As he crawls onto the other side of the sofa to not disturb Dan or Hugo, a small weight sits on his chest. He hopes Dan will be okay with him making plans for his mum to visit. Sometimes, he needs space from her, but the last time she was here was positive and he clings to that thought as he falls asleep.
Phil wakes once again to crying. But he's not as dazed as normal so he glances down at his phone.
It's just after 3 p.m. Thea slept for over two solid hours. He feels like crying.
Dan's still curled up with Hugo on the other side of the sofa, but he notices him start to stir.
"I can get her babe, sleep," he places his hand on Dan's head and smooths his curls through his fingers.
He wants Dan to sleep if he can but he's opening his eyes and shifting to an upright position.
"Gotta pee anyways, why don't you sleep." he glances at the time on his phone and looks shocked.
"How is it 3? What happened?" he's dazed in his post sleep state.
It makes Phil giggle, "I got her last bottle, you were out cold so I let you sleep. She was just out for two hours."
"Wow, really?" he stretches and stands up.
Phil just nods.
“You deserve sleep for that, why don’t you go nap in bed for a while?”
“I was thinking we should maybe try a short walk outside, even just 10 minutes. After this bottle if you’re up for it?”
Dan stretches his limbs and stands up. “Yah, good plan. Could use some fresh air, I think.”
“I’ll go get the stroller ready.”
--
The sunlight is a shock to Phil's system. He glances at Dan who seems to feel the same, both of them almost repelling inwards. They definitely need to get outside more often.
"We should try to do this every day it's not raining," Dan seems to read Phil's mind.
"Was just thinking the same. Sun shouldn't hurt this much."
It makes Dan laugh.
"It feels like we were different people the last time we were outside," Dan's pushing the stroller while Phil holds Hugo on the leash.
"We were babe, we're parents now," he scoffs, almost not believing it himself.
A smile spreads across Dan's face. "Fuck, we are, aren't we? Jesus, Phil. We're dads. Like actual parents responsible for a life. Holy shit."
It comes out as rushed and a bit panicky. Phil presses his free hand to Dan's lower back and runs it to his side, squeezing slightly.
"I love you," Phil says quietly into his shoulder.
That seems to snap Dan from his panic, he turns to Phil and smiles.
"Love you."
"Your mum's coming over on Wednesday afternoon, okay? I sent her a picture and she asked when she could come by."
Phil isn't sure what the emotion is that flits over Dan's face. Shock, discomfort, confusion. It only lasts a few seconds but Phil doesn't miss it.
"Oh, okay. That's fine."
"Is it?"
Dan looks around, checking for cars as they cross the road. He's stalling.
"Yah, of course. I should have asked her sooner."
"I think she understands we've been a little busy," Phil laughs a bit, trying to keep things light.
That makes Dan smile but even with sunglasses on, Phil can tell it didn't reach his eyes. He's too inside his own mind.
"I can always change the date if you want. She just mentioned she was in town that day," he gives him an out, even though he doesn't want Dan to take it.
"No, it'll be nice to see her," Dan trails off in thought, so Phil just waits. He knows something else is coming.
"Maybe we should mention to her that we'd like her to stop by whenever she's in town. I know she won't every time, but then I won't forget to ask and --"
"And what?"
"And maybe that will make her not feel left out? I think she probably feels not as important, or like I don't want her here. But I do, you know. I'm just not good at keeping in touch with her yet and with everything going on, it's hard to remember that. Does that make me an ass?"
Phil's a bit shocked by the admission coming from Dan. He definitely got that feeling from Karen's texts earlier, but he would never have pushed him on it.
"Of course not. You guys have kept each other at an arm's length for a long time. You can't just flip a switch and suddenly everything's different, it's going to take time."
Dan's nodding his head. This isn't the first time they've had a similar conversation. He's been working hard at keeping his mom a lot closer lately but sometimes he forgets to try or he gets too tired of trying.
Karen wasn't the best at reaching out either. And when she did, she always suggested lunch or a family function at her home. She had only been to their place a handful of times before Thea was born even though she worked nearby often. Just dropping in wasn't something they were comfortable with yet.
"You've got a good excuse to open the door for her now tho," Phil says pointing at Thea. "Tell her to come over whenever, let us know when she'll be in town and to pop by."
"Ya," is all Dan replies with. They continue their lap around the nearby park and head towards home.
Thea starts crying about a block away, they speed up and almost run towards the door.
Once inside, Dan's rocking Thea while opening the kitchen cupboards, trying to decide on something easy for dinner.
Phil's slumped on the sofa with Hugo, his body too exhausted for the small amount of exercise they just did.
"We've got enough to make pasta and veg for dinner, why don't you go nap and I'll come get you once it's ready?" Dan's hovering behind Phil, still rocking back and forth, not wanting to sit down and disturb the peace.
"Nap sounds good," he rolls himself up to stand and moves towards Dan.
He runs his hand over Thea's head, smoothing the little wisps of hair and kisses her forehead. Dan's free hand has slid behind Phil, pulling him into his side.
Phil leans his head up the small distance it needs to give Dan a quick kiss and then leans his forehead down, bopping into Dan's nose.
Dan hums a laugh.
"I still can't believe she's real," Phil whispers. He's glancing at Thea as he holds Dan around the middle.
"And ours. You're a dad, Phil," the love is oozing out of Dan's words and Phil can't help his eyes from welling up.
A snotty, tear-filled laugh escapes Phil's throat. "We're dads," he barely chokes out.
As if on command, Thea starts getting restless and it snaps them out of the moment.
Dan kisses the side of Phil's head and lowers his arm from his side.
"Go, sleep."