Chapter Text
Here lies Harry Thompson,
beloved son and friend
He placed the rose down and tried to ignore the drops of rain that had started to fall from the sky. This was their moment. Every month he went on the 22nd at exactly 4 p.m. It was scheduled in as an appointment in his overfull agenda to ensure he would never miss it. This month, however, would be the last time he’d come. It was time to move on. Being stuck like this had cost him a lot. His guilt had nearly destroyed his entire family, it had turned him into someone he hadn’t even recognised. Someone he no longer wished to be. Harry would forgive him, Tony had said. They had grown surprisingly close over the course of the years. Both feeling the loss of Harry majorly. Tony even occasionally left Isaac with him. James didn’t like kids, but Isaac was different. Isaac was Harry’s. James would protect Isaac with his life. It was the only thing he could do, the only way he could somewhat make right what he did to Harry. He could never fix that, but giving Isaac a promising future, that he could do.
James never spoke when he visited Harry, he could never find the words. He simply stood there starring at the name engraved in the marble, feeling every crack in his broken heart, as he was savouring it. James wasn’t even sure what he was doing here. James didn’t do graveyards. Yet here he was and every month loyally he came, same routine every time. He would drop a flower of his choosing and simply walk away after a few minutes.
Today was different, today would be his last time. If he walked away now, he would walk away from Harry and never come back. What they had, what they were, it would be in the past. It, they, everything that they had ever been would be over. A chapter in James his life that he had come to an end.
To move on, let go. To release that invisible hand that James still felt like he was holding, it meant forgetting little by little the touch of Harry’s lips on his. Forgetting the sound of his voice, his laughter or the way Harry talked in his sleep at times.
James still remembered everything. He still remembered Harry now. If he walked away, if he turned his back on him, if he released that hand... What would remain of his memories then?
“It’s harder than it looks.’ He heard Tony say. The man had approached him. “I have a daughter here not far away even, I'm ashamed to admit I rarely go. It’s painful.” He said simply. “Harry’s no different. But life continues and we’re still here.” Tony placed his own bouquet down. “I meant what I said. He’d want you to move on. He wouldn’t want you to blame yourself. Breda’s dead, she got what she deserves. Harry got his justice.”
Justice, James hated that word. Where was the justice in any of this. How did Harry get justice because Breda is dead, so is he. That’s not justice. That is just what someone has coming to them. It’s revenge.
“You have a nice guy that really want to make things work with you.” Tony looked at him, he gave him a quick glance and opened his umbrella. “Just,” Tony placed a hand on his shoulder and gently squeezed it. “It’s time.” James didn’t respond and Tony nodded. He took a step back, “Come by the Hutch afterwards, we’ll have dinner.”
James simply nodded and continued to star ahead of him at the back letters. At the H that Harry had once described as Hot, at the A that James had decided meant Athletic. at the R that Juliet had written down as Royal pain in the ass, and the second R that Marnie had translated to Radiant and then the Y which had been Romeo’s. The Y for Youthful. They had joked at times about James growing bored of Harry if he ever grew grey. He hadn’t realised then, it was a genuine worry of Harry’s. He should have. He should have done a great many deal more, maybe just maybe if he had done that, Harry wouldn’t have stayed youthful forever.
The rain had stopped and the evening shadow had snuck upon the headstone. He tried to open his mouth, tried to speak. Tried to say goodbye, but he was choking on the words in his throat. Maybe it wasn’t time, maybe he wasn’t ready yet.
Maybe that ready would never come,
And maybe that was okay.
Maybe.
*
“There you are.” Tony beamed, “have a seat. Menu’s coming soon. I’ve been trying this new French thing, you might just like it.”
“Can’t wait” James said. He would never tell Tony his cooking left much to be desired. Tony was Harry too. Everything that was Harry was to be protected and to be kept near.
“I think John Paul is nearby. If you want to invite him over.” Tony hinted.
James smiled. “Maybe.”
In the aftermath of Harry’s death John Paul had returned to Hollyoaks. They hadn’t parted on good terms, but in the end they had bonded over the death of their loved one. Craig had passed away a year ago. Car crash from what James knew. There was something comforting about being with someone that knew you would never love them as much as you loved someone else once, and not minding it, because they too, could never love you as much. He didn’t get as crazy over John Paul, because of it. Even when Ste needed him for some irrelevant thing with Leah, it never got out of hand. James loved Harry the most, even if Harry was no longer there to love.
“Can you watch Isaac for me tonight?” Tony asked. “Diane and I need a night to ourselves. Scott is taking Ant, DeeDee and Rose to the movies and Sinead is with Sami.”
James nodded “I’m sure my mother would love to see him.”
James ate his dinner, complimented Tony on his new dish and went upstairs.
“Oh, good there you are.” Diane handed Isaac over to him. His blond hair had grown since last James had seen him. He looked more like Harry every day. “He’s just been fed, all his stuff is in the bag.” James took the bag with his other hand.
“Do I look like a donkey? Or did you lose the buggy?” He asked.
Diana sighed apologetically. “Head’s all over the place. Getting the restaurant back up and running with four kids around is not an easy task.”
“Well, here to help.”
“And for that we are grateful.” Diane walked into Isaac’s room and took the stroller out. “Scott will pick him up later tonight.”
“Okay.” James placed Isaac in his seat, “See you then”.
He stared at Isaac, who starred at him. Isaac unnerved him, always did. He was a walking, talking reminder of Harry. A reminder of what he had lost. What Isaac had lost.
“Look who is here.” His mother said in pitch high voice when she saw James walk in with Isaac. James was all too happy to let her deal with him. “Such a beautiful little boy you are. Yes, you are. So handsome.”
“I’ll be upstairs.” James stated.
“James, darling,” His mother called before he could disappear “Some guy called Frederique called, if you were home this weekend? Wanted to drop by.”
“Frederique?” James bemused “He’s an old friend from college. Fred?”
“Black hair, moustache, nice booty?” His mother moulded over.
James chuckled, “That’s the one. I will give him a call back.”
“Oh, and honey.” James paused again on the stairs. “Want to talk about today. About, you know.”
James swallowed. In the end he hadn’t been able to do it, but maybe it was for the best if people believed he had. “No, maybe later. I want to change into something more comfortable now and then see what the Fredmeister has to say for himself.”
Marnie didn’t say anything else, so he changed and dialled the last called number back. Fred had wanted to have a drink and catch up. He was in town for a conference. James agreed to meet him, Fred was one of the few friends he had made that stayed in touch with him over the course of the years. James wouldn’t really call him friend per say but Fred would be insulted if he ever suggested otherwise. The friends you make in college are for life, he always said.
Marnie was watching Sesame street with Isaac by the time he came downstairs. The boy didn’t seem tired at all. As energetic perhaps as his father. James grabbed a wine glass, poured himself a white and set down. “He really is growing up fast, isn’t he?” Marnie mused.
“That is what kids tend to do. I’d be more worried if he was still as small as he was when we last babysat him.”
“Poor child. No father, no mother. Growing up raised by Tony and Diane. Such a rough start in life for such a little thing”
“Life’s hard at times.” James said, he downed his wine with one gulp.
“He’s lucky to have you.” Marnie tried to make eye contact with James, but James avoided it. “You made sure Tony got custody after Sadie’s death. He will be far happier here than with her parents.”
James got up. “I’m going to John Paul’s. You’ll be fine with Isaac here, won’t you?”
Marnie nodded. James couldn’t stay here. He knew his mother meant well. But Isaac wasn’t lucky to have him. James had been a curse to Harry in the end, and to Isaac by extension. He was the reason Isaac would grow up with a dad to love him .
He knocked on the door of the McQueen house. He didn’t need John Paul to sooth his worries or to listen to him. He just needed the distraction that the man would bring. This wasn’t serious nor would it ever be. John Paul might want that one day and James would give him a semblance of something that seemed real, but James wouldn’t be a curse to him. Never again, would he be a curse to anyone.