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“Hey Quizzy…” Sera’s sing-song voice had Malika instantly aware that mischief was afoot. Though, to be fair, that was pretty much every day as far as Sera was concerned.
“What evil thing have you decided to do now?” Malika cut to the chase, but the smirk on her face made it clear that whatever it was, she was game. While it took a little while for the two to come to an understanding, they were now thick as thieves with a shared passion for tormenting people who thought too highly of themselves. Seeing as life in the Carta had left her without any real hobbies to speak of, pranking people had become her first.
“You know what day it is tomorrow?” A blank expression from the Inquisitor reminded Sera that this was a silly question; if a holiday wasn’t an opportunity for illegal operations against the general public that celebrated it, she would have no idea. She’d never personally celebrated anything. Maker’s tits, it had been a rough life, even worse than her own. “Prank Day! Our time to shine!”
Malika raised an eyebrow. “You’re telling me they actually have a holiday dedicated to pranks? Wouldn’t that defeat the point, seeing as people would be expecting them?”
“Naw, it’s not about pulling pranks as much as it’s about giving people joke gifts. Like, things they would hate or never use, just to get a laugh.”
“They spend money on things people hate.” Malika shook her head. “I still don’t follow.”
“Only one way for you to get it then.” Sera waggled a finger with a sly grin. “You’ve got to get into it.”
Sera looked so enthused, Malika hated to be a downer with her typical bluntness and cynicism. “Fine, I’ll bite. So what do we have to do?”
“Think about everybody we work with. What would annoy them the most? Then, find it and give it to them!” Sera threw her arms out in a grand gesture. “With a little bow on, just for show. Make it look serious even when it’s not.”
Malika rubbed her chin. “We’ll have a lot of shopping to do. But hey, if I disappear for a day, I’m not complaining. Are you going in with me?”
“That wouldn’t be fun, Quizzy! I wanna see what goes on in YOUR head, right? Besides, I’ve got my own ideas, and the two of us can cause twice the amount of chaos!” A diabolical cackle escaped. “This’ll be good.”
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She was able to find most of what she needed from the vendors around Skyhold. It was certainly a good thing they had expanded their trade network for occasions such as this… Malika required the eclectic, and the merchants provided. To maintain secrecy though, she only bought the gifts one at a time, tucking them away immediately before anyone could see what she had purchased and question her actions.
The next trick was getting them distributed. Times like this, she was thankful to be a skilled rogue. Most were placed in rooms while their owners were out, or on desks where they worked. By now she knew their schedules well enough to not be caught in the act.
With all of this done, she hung around out of sight, watching and waiting for the fun to begin. How many had she hit on the head?
Cassandra-
One thing Malika could appreciate about Cassandra was that she always made her disgust obvious. This made figuring out what she hated a simple task. Being paraded around as a Nevarran noble? Right on top of the list, as evidenced by that trip to Halamshiral. Malika found a crown, and even made the extra effort of having her entire, six-part name etched on the inner band. No mistaking who this was for.
Malika loved her reaction the best; as soon as she’d realized the crown was meant for her, she’d taken it, marched outside to the battlements, and flung it of the ramparts like a discus. Good thing she hadn’t paid for a high-quality metal, seeing as it would be tarnishing somewhere under a foot of snow at the bottom of the valley.
Iron Bull-
The Qunari was actually rather difficult, because he was so good-natured that few things seemed to get under his skin. The only thing Malika could come up that she’d personally witnessed get a reaction from him was demons. Oh, he hated demons with a burning passion. Though it was difficult to describe, she had a seamstress sew a small plush replica of the fear demon from the Fade, based on her crude sketches. If anything, the lack-luster drawing yielded a result even MORE terrifying than the original.
Despite the cute bow she’d wrapped around its neck, The Iron Bull took one look at the monstrous creation and threw it into the fireplace with a snarl, the faintest hints of a shudder visible in his broad shoulders.
Dorian-
There were so many things that would irritate the Tevinter peacock and his vanity, she didn’t know where to begin. May as well stay close to home. She found some traditional Ferelden garb, rolled it in the dirt for good measure, and wrapped it up. Odds were he wouldn’t even touch the thing.
He was curious, to a point. He at least unfolded the garment, still using the wrapping paper so he wouldn’t have to make physical contact with the coarse material. One look at it and he sneered. Into his fireplace it went without hesitation.
Cullen –
Ah Cullen, the noble, heroic commander. Anyone who knew anything about him could figure he was a dog person. In fact, he’d commented on his immense respect for mabaris on several occasions. What better gift than a gaudy painting of kittens for his office? Ah, only in Orlais could you find these things…
When he unwrapped the strange item on his desk, he just stared in bewilderment. Finally, he picked it up while continuing to gape in disbelief. Who had thought this was a good idea? He looked left, and then right, as if waiting for the giver to pop out. When no one came, he flipped it over and tucked it under a rug. Perhaps Leliana would want it?
Leliana –
The spymaster was a strange one; her love of nugs was case in point. Malika didn’t dare poke fun at that, lest she end up with a dagger in her back, so she struggled to come up with a different idea. Finally, she decided to simply get her the ugliest pair of shoes she could find, something she normally loved, but subverted.
As she feared, this plan backfired, though not as expected. What she thought was the tackiest pair of footwear in all of Thedas earned squeals of delight from Leliana upon opening the box. This had to be stupid Orlesian fashion sense… Ah well, couldn’t win them all.
Josie-
It nearly made her feel bad to prank Josie, who was the definition of sweetness. Then again, she had also forced Malika to practice tea-drinking customs. She ended up with an all-expenses paid getaway…to a cabin in the middle of the Hinterlands. State of the art outhouse! All the firewood you could need, as long as you chop it! All-you-can-eat nug riblets!
Josie did a double-take, unable to believe the name on the voucher was hers. When she realized it truly was, even her controlled façade crumbled for a moment as her face contorted into a grimace. She tore the piece of paper up into confetti.
Varric-
He was another hard one to figure out. Most things bounced off of him harmlessly. Still, Malika had some idea… She found a large tome on the history of Orzammar, a volume she was certain that even the book-devouring author would balk at. After all, the only good thing that came out of Orzammar in the last thousand years was the Warden.
As she thought, he just chuckled when he found it sitting at his desk. “How thoughtful, someone got me some more wipes for the outhouse as a Prank’s Day gift.”
Cole-
Honestly, she didn’t even try to prank Cole. He was struggling to understand things that were SERIOUS, so humor and irony would be lost on him. Maybe Cullen would give him his painting of the kittens as an actual gift?
Vivienne –
She waffled about whether or not to give Madame de Fer a prank gift. On one hand, the cruel sneer of disdain for childish pastimes. On the other hand, her respect for a challenge well met. In the spirit of competition, Malika opted to give it a try. She’d find out how aged cheese (to the point of smelling like fermented dirt) would sit with the refined lady.
At first, she was certain she’d gambled at lost. Vivienne read the label on her gift, went to grab a fork, and took a bite, most certainly to spite the gift-giver. Then, the tide turned as she struggled to swallow. The way she reached for her glass of wine and downed the entire thing was victory enough, but it was even more so when she wrapped it back up and sent it with a servant as “a gift for fine work.”
Solas-
Solas had a tendency of surprising her. She wouldn’t think he’d respond well to pranks, but then again he had some wicked sarcasm. Regrettably, the things that he disliked, he disliked with a burning passion. What would be a safe sore spot to exploit? Literally nothing about magic or elves. Perhaps she’d keep this simple and submit a forged letter detailing a horrendous panel some nobleman wanted painted in his rotunda.
His pained expression when he opened the note was so worth it. The images replete with Chantry imagery certainly didn’t help. She could see how he contemplated pretending the letter had never arrived, yet knowing there were social repercussions to such an act.
Blackwall-
Malika wanted to be careful with him, but not for the same reasons as everyone else. Where they might be offended and angry, she got the feeling he might just be hurt by a haphazardly placed barb. The man was a pit of self-loathing. It was hard to say whether it was divine intervention or dumb luck that she stumbled across the perfect gift as she browsed the merchants’ goods: beard baubles. Again, leave it to the Orlesians to market something so flamboyant. He knew for a fact she loved his beard, so there was no risk of offense taken.
When he opened the sack left on his straw mattress and held up a bauble to investigate it in the dying light, he actually let out a heart-warming chuckle. “Ah, that’s right, Prank Day was today, wasn’t it? Now, was it Sera or Malika?” And much to her shock, he actually put one in his beard, testing it out. “We’ll find out when I show up to dinner like this…” Malika nearly fell from her perch at the image of stoic Blackwall marching around like a Satinalia tree.
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By the time Malika was done distributing her gifts and observing the cringing they inspired in their victims, it was getting close to supper time. She couldn’t wait to find out if anyone would comment on their…unusual gifts. She also wondered if Sera had also struck. Just a quick stop to her room to freshen up before heading to Herald’s Rest, and she’d find out.
Of course, upon arriving to her room, she wasn’t surprised to find a bottle of flowery perfume adorned with a large red bow sitting on her dresser. Even in the bottle she could smell it from the door. Perfect. A month from now, when Sera wasn’t expecting it, she’d sneak into her room at the tavern and douse the entire area with it until every last drop was gone. The last laugh would be hers.
As for today? Malika smiled sadistically as she slipped on a different pair of shoes. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. For Sera, the wondering and waiting would be the biggest prank of all.