Chapter Text
“What the fuck, hyung?”
The leader knew that voice. He adored that voice more than anything else in this world – the golden voice of their golden maknae. He could listen to that voice sing and talk for days on end and he still would never get tired of hearing it. His voice was just so perfect – the complete epitome of innocence, purity, and all good things in this world. And Namjoon’s heart couldn’t help but break at the sound of the pain, the anger, and the resentment that coated that voice that usually sounded so sweet.
The golden voice sounded broken.
Namjoon had willed himself to turn around at the sound of the voice so heart-warmingly familiar. He sat on the kitchen counter, back against the door, completely oblivious to the audience gathered around him. He turned around with alarm but not without looking at the man he was talking to. His face still stricken with tears as he had just poured out his heart’s content to his long time best friend, Yoongi.
He could see that Yoongi looked as worst as him. Yoongi’s tears were pouring, turning his nose into a deep shade of red. His face was flushed, and the usually composed rapper of his group, was now a complete mess. As much as Yoongi tried to hold it in, Namjoon could still hear him sobbing – sounding utterly broken by Namjoon’s revelation.
Namjoon finally found the courage to turn around and look at the boy who had just heard what he had to say. What he did not expect though, was the company he had with him. The rest of the five members looked completely and utterly shell shocked, with their mouths agape, and with tears threatening to fall out of their beautiful eyes.
“How long have you guys been standing there?” Was all Namjoon could say through his croaked voice and blurry vision. He wasn’t ready for them to know just yet, but he knew this day would come sooner or later.
“Long enough to hear what we needed to hear.” This time, Hoseok did the talking. His voice cracked as he did, but he tried to be strong especially for the younger boys who already had tears flowing down their faces. The usual Mr. Sunshine seemingly lost his glow, his face mirrored pure disbelief and pain. How cruel could Namjoon be to hurt someone as kind and loving as Hoseok?
“Guys, listen, please hear me out –“ But Namjoon wasn’t able to finish. The leader still heard Yoongi’s soft sobs as he spoke, and that wasn’t really helping the tallest member in keeping his composure.
“When did you plan to tell us hyung? Didn’t you think that we deserve to know?” Taehyung looked completely destroyed as he spoke. Namjoon’s heart clenched at the sight of the broken boy whom Namjoon adored so much. Taehyung’s usually flawless face held a look of hatred, and although the leader knew he deserved it, his heart broke knowing that one of his members hated him right now.
“Taehyung, I would have told all of you soon. I just didn’t know how to say it, I couldn’t bring myself to just tell you all.” Namjoon half lied. In reality, the leader would probably never find the courage to tell them, and he hated himself even more as he thought about it.
“When hyung? A day before you leave? Or when you’ve already got your bags and you’re already at the door? Or did you actually plan to leave without saying anything?” Jimin sobbed as he spoke. The bright smile the blonde boy usually had was nowhere in sight, a look of sheer contempt and betrayal cloaked his features as he looked up to their leader. What broke Namjoon even more was the truth behind Jimin’s words – that he was indeed a coward. He would have probably just left without another word, unable to face these boys he called his family, absolutely afraid of breaking them with his decision.
He was unable to look at the boys’ eyes. Jin had his arms wrapped around Taehyung and Jimin, as the two looked absolutely shattered. He looked at Namjoon with a silent pain, a silent disappointment. He was trying to be the bigger man out of them all, trying to be mature. He held the younger members to his body while silently conveying to Namjoon how hurt and disappointed he is. The leader knew it wouldn’t be long until Jin would begin to tell him how he really felt.
“I thought we were family, hyung. Why are you leaving us, why are you leaving me?” Jungkook, with all his purity had asked him in a voice so unrecognizable due to the pain the maknae was feeling. Needless to say, Namjoon cried a heart wrenching sob. Jungkook’s words broke his resolve to stay calm and actually try to talk it out with his members.
“Jungkook, Jimin, Taehyung, Hoseok, Jin hyung, please listen to me. I am so, so, so sorry. I know I promised that we would always be together, but I just can’t do this any longer. I am not happy anymore. I know that isn’t an enough reason for me to just leave you, but I just can no longer find the good in staying. I will always love the six of you more than any single thing in this fucking universe, but I – I, I’m tired. I think it would be best for me to leave, so that whatever the fuck I am feeling won’t hold you guys back, because the stars forbid that I would ever become an anchor to you all. I can’t burden you like that, so I’m making the decision to leave. I won’t be renewing my contract anymore, I am so sorry.”
Namjoon choked through his whole statement. He actually can’t believe that he got to say all of that without running out of the room and locking himself up in his bedroom to hide from this confrontation. The leader was losing it. The usual look and aura of command and power that Namjoon usually exuded was long gone. The tallest member looked more like a lost broken boy rather than the leader of the world’s biggest boy band. Namjoon’s voice betrayed him at some points, especially when his eyes landed upon the look of pain from Hoseok, the disbelief from Jin, the anguish from Taehyung, the sorrow from Jimin, and the look of paramount heartbreak from Jungkook.
“An anchor to us Namjoon, really?” Jin did not bother controlling the volume of his voice. The usually goofy member was yelling at him and Namjoon knew that he deserved it. “Did you not even bother to think that it’s you who keeps this group going? It’s you, Namjoon. You keep this group sailing to whatever fucking ocean it goes because you are our captain, and if you are going to actually fucking leave us, how – how in the fucking world do you think we’ll make it?”
Jin may have yelled at him, but the eldest member still had tears running down his face. The younger members flinched at the tone of Jin’s voice, but they had no reason to be scared. Jin was yelling at Namjoon, for being a jerk, for being a coward, and for leaving them. The leader could only look down in shame, unable to speak after Jin’s outburst.
“Jin hyung, please don’t yell at him. I know you are all mad, but he’s been having this internal battle within him for so long. He doesn’t want to hurt us, he doesn’t want to leave us this way, please, all of you, calm down.” Yoongi almost begged his members, unable to stomach the sound of Namjoon’s sobs. He knew his best friend was breaking as much as the members were, and he knew this was equally hard on him as it was to all of them.
“Wow Yoongi ah, I can’t fucking believe this! So this has been actually going on for so long and you knew? You didn’t even bother to tell us sooner? And what the fuck, you’re not even trying to stop him? How many more betrayals could we hear in one night?” Jin, at this point, was livid. He was angry and he didn’t bother hiding it. Namjoon and Yoongi knew that this was how Jin always dealt with painful situations. He would let his anger lead on and now, the two boys were on the receiving end of Jin’s wrath.
“Jin hyung ah –“ Namjoon knew he needed to step in. This wasn’t Yoongi’s fault. “Please do not get mad at Yoongi hyung, this isn’t his fault. It’s true that this has been going on for quite a while. I talk to him a lot, to get all my frustrations out, and maybe find the will to actually stay. It’s not true that Yoongi doesn’t try to change my mind, because he does, he always does. But it’s just not enough. I’m so fucking sorry.”
Namjoon was speaking from the bottom of his soul. He didn’t understand himself anymore. Once upon a time, the rapper had stars in his eyes every time he performed. The roaring sound of the crowd once hyped that tall boy to a great extent. His heart would literally burst with joy as he held the hands of their fans close to his heart. He really once felt pleased when he posed behind the cameras, or when they were recording songs in their studios. His soul had once been at ease holding his pencil as he came up with the lyrics of their group’s newest hit. Every day was a bliss, like a firework inside his body that always kept him going and even more excited for tomorrow. Once upon a time, the young leader was genuinely happy.
But the spark eventually died down, and it left Namjoon with nothing but a dark and hollow feeling of loneliness, exhaustion, and misery.
“Are we not an enough reason to stay hyung?” Namjoon looked at Jungkook as the maknae spoke. How is it that Jungkook always knew exactly what to say to break Namjoon? For in that moment, the leader swore he heard his heart crack and all because Jungkook, innocent little Jungkook, had enough courage and bravery that their leader greatly lacked.
Namjoon tried, he genuinely tried to stay. He would take his little notebook and list down all his reasons to stay up against all his reasons to leave. He would be surprised though, because the first six reasons for him to stay were also the first six reasons for him to leave. The names of the six boys he practically spent more than eight years with topped both his lists. He truly wanted to stay for them, to keep their family going. He has built this with them and he wanted to stay with them until the very end. But he also wanted to leave for them, because he didn’t want to hold his family back. He didn’t want to be a burden to them anymore, because Namjoon knew that sooner or later, he would be a barrier to their growth and Namjoon would hate himself beyond repair if he were to damage his family’s career and dreams in any way possible.
“I know it may not make sense right now, Jungkook, but I am leaving for you – for all of you. I am self destructing, I am going to fall down and if I stay, I just might drag you all with me and God, if there is a God out there, God forbid that I become the reason behind this group’s downfall. I will never be able to forgive myself. I have to leave, Jungkook, for all of you.” Namjoon said in the most serious voice he can muster. He meant every single word he had just said.
“Bullshit Namjoon, and you think by leaving, you won’t break us apart? That you think by leaving us to ourselves, we won’t fall? Don’t you think we need you, Namjoon? Because news flash bro, we do! We fucking do!” Hoseok mumbled through his tears. The sight of him broken, such an unusual sight for them all, will forever be imprinted in Namjoon’s mind. He did that, and he felt like the most evil person in this world.
Namjoon could only stay silent. His reasons won’t make sense to them, but Namjoon already made up his mind. He knew they would be rocky when he would leave. But give and take a year, and they would already be smooth sailing again. The leader had to make this sacrifice, for all of them.
“Please stay hyung – please, we won’t make it without you. I am begging you hyung, please stay.” Jimin sobbed as the blonde boy ran to him and hugged him with all his might. Jimin was indeed shorter than Namjoon, and his face was buried in Namjoon’s chest while the leader couldn’t even find it in him to hug his member back. Drowning in shame, Namjoon could only pat his head while repeatedly mumbling the words “I’m sorry”. Jimin begging him almost made him stay and suffer for another seven years. But for once, Namjoon decided to be selfish. He had always placed his group before him, maybe just this moment, he could prioritize himself.
“I can’t Jimin, I’m sorry. But don’t worry, I still have three months left from our previous contract, I’ll stay for three more months. But I really can’t stay any longer than that.” Namjoon heard Jimin’s sobs get louder as he threw the reality that he only had three more months left with Bangtansonyeondan. Taehyung seemingly shaken by the reality, joined Jimin in hugging and begging him. But the leader could only look up to the ceiling, avoiding the eyes of the two boys he loved more than the entire universe.
“No, hyung ah! Please, no, no...” Taehyung repeatedly sobbed into his shoulders, and Namjoon could feel himself get physically and mentally weaker. The pain of seeing the boys he loved the most in tears because of him, was just too much for him to bare.
They stayed like that for a while. Taehyung and Jimin’s sobs dominated the kitchen. Jin ran his hands over his face for the millionth time, while muttering the words, ‘I can’t fucking believe this’ over and over again. Hoseok’s knees had long given up. He was squatting while his face was buried in his hands, but everyone knew he was crying. And Jungkook, Jungkook was calm, and that scared Namjoon the most. Jungkook had silent tears flowing down his face but he dared to look at Namjoon directly to his eyes. As if to tell the leader how much he hated him at that moment, reprimanding him of his selfishness, and most importantly, silently begging him to stay.
Yoongi looked over Namjoon with so much pain and pity. For three months he has been talking to Namjoon, trying to change his mind. Three months ago, Big Hit had sent them their new contracts six months before their current one expired. They had gone over it as a group, and all had been excited to sign with their company for another seven years – to continue this adventure as a family. They had planned to sign it all within a month, going over through some details before they finally sent back to their company their new contract. He had been undeniably surprised though, when they all called it a day and went to their own rooms, and Namjoon had knocked on his door.
“Hyung, I won’t be signing the contract.” Namjoon spoke as Yoongi’s world shattered.
Fair enough, two months ago, all six of the boys had sent back their contract to their company, signed. But Namjoon had a talk with their director, asking him to not tell the rest of the band that he ought to sign his own contract, and that he actually was no longer planning to continue with the idol life. The other members did not know that one of them still had his own brown envelope on his desk, hidden in plain sight. Yoongi did try to convince him, he tried so hard. But today, Namjoon made his decision, officially throwing all of Yoongi’s efforts out of the window.
“Yoongi hyung, I’m sorry. I am just going to finish this contract. I have made a decision and I won’t be signing the new one anymore. I’m leaving, and that’s final.” Just in time for the rest of the band to hear.
Jin finally got tired of hearing the cries of Jimin and Taehyung. He yelled at the two boys and said, “Ya, Jimin, Taehyung ah, stop begging Namjoon already. You’re just wasting your tears, he doesn’t care about us anymore. It’s so obvious that he has already made up his mind. If he wants to fucking leave, then maybe he should, maybe even as early as now!”
Jin left the kitchen and Jimin and Taehyung looked absolutely disheartened seeing their eldest hyung like that. Namjoon whispered to them to go to Jin, saying that he needs the two of them right now. They left wordlessly, following Jin to his own room, their sobs trailing behind them.
Hoseok just watched the scene unfold, and when the other three members left, he got off the floor, and left the room, but not without looking at Namjoon in the eye saying, “I can’t believe that you would do this to us, you, our leader, and m–my best friend, out of all the people.”
Needless to say, Namjoon felt his knees go weak.
Yoongi whispered to Namjoon that he would talk with Hoseok, to support their best dancer at such a devastating moment, but also most likely because Yoongi’s heart can no longer take the pain as well. The only ones left now was Jungkook and Namjoon. The youngest still had endless tears flowing through his face, as he tried to wipe it off harshly with his wrist. It almost looked painful, but Namjoon knew that it was nothing compared to the pain Jungkook felt in his heart.
“Jungkook ah, I’m so sorry. Please forgive hyung, I’m so, so, so sorry.” Namjoon could just pathetically plead with the maknae. He knew no words could erase the pain, but he still tried. This was his entire fault after all.
“No, hyung, I won’t forgive you.” Jungkook said, not even shouting, but the intensity of his voice was enough to silence the entire world in Namjoon’s ears. “I will never be able to forgive you if you leave us. You promised me, when I entered this group that you would always be here for me, for better or for fucking worse? How fucking cruel of you to just leave us like this. I trusted you, I-I trusted you so much. So no, you don’t fucking deserve our forgiveness. And if you really do leave, you might as well already be dead to me.” And with that Jungkook left, taking Namjoon’s heart with him.
Namjoon fell to his knees. He sobbed to his hands, covering his face to hide from all of this. He begged someone, maybe God or whatever deity that exists, to please hide him, to take this all away – his pain, his agony, his struggle, his misery, and his heartbreak. Maybe if he would just fade away, everything would be easier for both the leader and his beloved members. He couldn’t take this, he just wishes to be gone.
His mind drifted back to his list at the back of his little notebook. All his reasons to stay and to leave were put up against each other. Namjoon remembered that after the names of his beloved members occupied his first six reasons to stay, he thought about the seventh one. What could be another reason for him to not leave this all behind and start a new? His mind reminded him of one particular memory.
He remembered a young 14 year old boy, looking so scared, so tiny, and so intimidated walking to their dorm for the very first time. He was a quiet and introverted young man, and it took Namjoon quite some time to allow the boy to open himself up to him. He remembered the boy a day before their group’s debut, a year later he first entered their company. He remembered his hopeful but frightened eyes looking at the leader.
“Rap monster hyung ah, won’t it all be scary tomorrow? We’re officially debuting!” He looked absolutely excited but also terrified of what may come tomorrow.
“It will be Jungkook, we’re going to debut tomorrow, and I don’t know what may happen, but know that come what may, Kookie ah, I will always be here, for all the ups and downs. I’m going to be here for our group and for you, for better or for fucking worse.” Namjoon thought that he shouldn’t be swearing in front of the young boy. But the uncertainty of that moment and what may happen tomorrow pumped a certain emotion in Namjoon’s heart that swearing was at the very least of his concerns.
Namjoon remembers saying that with so much hope and courage. It was as if he was promising the teenage boy all the gold in this world when in reality, he actually had no knowledge on how to mine. But it was okay, he was going to find a way, he had to – for better or fucking worse.
Jungkook, with all his innocence, smiled at his leader. The young boy was absolutely unsure, of his skills, of his talents, and of their probability of succeeding. But what Namjoon did not know was that with him, the boy felt safe, and the boy felt fearless knowing that their leader would be by his side whether they make it or not. He adorably held up his pinky, and smiled at Namjoon as if Namjoon could wipe all their troubles in this world, “For better or for fucking worse. Promise, hyung?”
Namjoon should have reprimanded their maknae but he just chuckled as he interlocked his own pinky with the teenage kid, “I promise”. And on that day, he remembered meaning that promise with every strand of his life. The once foolish leader thought he could actually carry the weight of the world on his shoulders for his members. But now, he was just pathetically breaking apart.
The leader remembers picking up his pencil, officially enlisting another reason.
Reason #7: I promised Jungkook that I would stay, for better or for fucking worse.