Work Text:
"Alright, Egbert." Dave Strider exuded an amazing amount of calm arrogance whenever he spoke, voice filling up the messy living room like sicknasty smoke. Standing in front of the big-screen television, he looked like some executive chief ready to tell his country he beat all of the wars, all of them. The glasses caused a glare that blocked any hope of seeing his eyes, and perhaps it was better not to see the completely INTENSE stare that Dave had going on all day, every day. "Today, we're gonna play some games that are going to turn you into a manly guy."
Egbert was considerably the exact opposite, with over-emotional looking blue eyes that were widened by his thick-ass frames. He was the audience to the executive in chief of the Strider household, sitting down on the couch and looking kind of stupid. "I thought we were going to play Zelda."
Dave sighed and squeezed the bridge of his nose. "No, Egbert, that's awful. We only play good games in this house." Dave turned around and dug out a game case from under a pile of useless puppet shit. "Look at this game, Egbert. This is Rad Rude Skate Dudes the Third." The case was a graphic designer's nightmare, all bright red and poorly pasted people on skateboards and BMX bikes.
John was still endlessly confused. "I thought you said that game was, uh." Egbert raised his fingers in airquotes. "'Bad as balls, man.'" Dave rolled his eyes, something unfortunately lost on John because of his cool shades.
"Egbert. Sometimes you can enjoy stuff because it's so shitty." Dave said rather matter of factly. "Like your clown-bitch Nic Cage."
"Screw you, Nic Cage is awesome."
"Your boner for him so isn't."
Set up to the game was easy. Dave made a character that looked so generically douchey it was hilarious. Thick, curly hair under a hat, red t-shirt, cargo pants, it was a work of art.
John took a goddamn half hour making his character, and my god if it was unintentional that the guy looked like such a collosal asshole Dave might as well of just bowed down and gave his glasses back to Egbert. Flannel shirt over the generic band-t, thick rimmed glasses, messy black hair, skinny jeans, fuck, this bastard had it all.
The next was the area to perform the sweet-ass moves in. He let John pick the major metropolitan-based area filled with cars to surf on and pedestrians to run into.
Because he was a nice guy.
John at least had a vague idea of how controls worked, though he spent the next five minutes running into a wall while Dave pulled off a 89 move combo on a motorcycle that he was driving a mercedes on top of a shark while on a bmx attached to a bike. He was the goddamn Katamari of skating.
"Dave, I think I need to practice more." John said, looking oddly sad at the stupid screen. "Look, see, I keep clipping into the stupid wall." Dave sighed and jerked the controller from John.
"Here, I'll show you. Just jump away from the dumbass wall..." Dave pulled a sweet ollie away from the wall, before manualing away from it as if to say "Fuck the haters." He spun around, did some 360 ollies, at least two impossibles, and one 360 impossible before John tugged on his shirt sleeve.
"Man, pay attention. You're gonna run into something." He said, trying to grab the controller away, but Dave leaned to the side.
"Nah, it's cool." Oh, here was a challenge. Once Dave found some glitch that let him grind down some stairs. So, with some fancy twisting and a little button mashing he--
He crashed midair and--
Oh.
Oh FUCK NO.
John's hipster-ass character slammed headfirst into the stairs and the animation for tumbling kept playing over and over and over but he never fell down, just kept spinning in the same fucking spot.
John was stifling some laughs and very close to loosing his shit.
"John, I swear to god--"
"Heyyy Dave. What did I warn you about, bro?" John asked, huge smirk on his face. Dave groaned.
"John, I will ruin your dorky fucking glasses." Dave was frantically trying to break the hipster asshole from the goddamn stairs but it was too late.
"THE STAIRS, BRO!" And John bursted out laughing, doubling over and holding his stomach at his amazing cleverness.
Later Dave stayed true to his word and scribbled stairs all over John's nerd glasses.