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“He seems nice.”
Sebastian’s green eyes looked up at him from his cup of coffee, and Hunter could almost hear the crack behind his own plastered smile, at the sight of his face.
His own cup was wound tight between his broad fingers, and the heat had passed from almost unbearable to mildly cold, in the time it’d taken him to gather enough words in his mouth to speak up.
Sebastian didn’t seem to know what to do any better and it made Hunter wonder if he was trying to figure out how to not look as happy as he probably felt. Maybe for fear that the fissures would actually start showing down Hunter’s face. He tried a hesitant smile in return, and Hunter’s knuckles grew white around the cup, before he forced his stiff hand to bring it up for a sip.
“He’s am-He is.”
Hunter glanced down at the brown liquid, thumbnail digging onto the styrofoam rim, as he took another sip, and after as he downed it back to the table, pondering what else was there to say. He’d caught the correction, of course, and it made his coffee taste twice as bitter, to think that Sebastian might actually pity him to that point. To the point of censoring himself for him.
They hadn’t seen each other in five years.
Five long years, for Hunter. There had been times, through those years, when Hunter’d forgot all about his high school and college boyfriend, for months. In others, he’d be a constant reminder on the back of his head, through long days and nights of dreadful mourning. He’d tried other relationships. Even come to think he’d fallen in love, once or twice. But every time he did, it only reminded him of how it didn’t feel, of how it wasn’t. It didn’t take long after that, for his partner of the moment to figure out he wasn’t entirely there, and move on.
He’d always wondered what it’d be like to see him again. If he was still as lean, if his freckles still stuck out the most on rainy days, his green eyes bright against the pale skin and wet hair. Now that he had, he wasn’t sure what to do with it. From all the times he’d imagined it, he’d never quite gotten to the actual meet part. To the part where they were supposed to speak, talk, catch up, or whatever the hell else people did when they met a long lost lover.
Even the words long lost lover made him want to roll his eyes. Sebastian was his ex. One of many. There should be no reason why he ought to stand out like that.
His blunt nails scratched the back of his neck, distractedly as he mulled it over. Until Sebastian’s rough voice interrupted him.
“Have you??”
Hunter looked up so abruptly that Sebastian smiled sideways, before raising his eyebrows.
“Found someone.” He supplied, clearly noticing Hunter hadn’t been listening before.
Sebastian didn’t look as lean as before. He’d grown in muscle, specially in the arms, and his jaw was more pronounced. He still carried himself smoothly, and made even the simple act of sitting down look like a shot from a movie. But it was obvious he had matured. That he wasn’t the same boy as before. Hunter smiled. And it made something coil in his stomach. He wondered if he looked frozen in time by comparison, or as though he’d been pulled apart and then simply placed back together without anything to hold it in, like he felt he did.
“You know me. Never had a lot of patience for relationships. Too much to do in a day, too much to worry about. Doesn’t leave me much time for dining out and buying flowers when wining and dining is already another part of the job.” He mocked, with a light shrug. Sebastian glanced to the side, and Hunter followed his eyes.
The rain was staining the windows of the coffee shop. It made everything look like a mess of blurred out colors. It reminded him of his memories about the years when he’d been able to tell exactly what Sebastian was thinking around ninety percent of the time. That had been a long time ago. He had no idea now, as he looked back at him, following the line of his turned neck, up to his popped jaw, about what was going on in his head.
“I’m happy.”
Hunter blinked, in surprise at the sudden statement, but nodded cautiously. Sebastian had said it plainly, like a fact, but Hunter still knew him enough to catch the underline of anger. Some taste of defiance to it, as though he expected Hunter to protest. His lips pressed together in a line, instead, as he looked ahead expectantly, but Sebastian didn’t seem in the mood to elaborate.
“Have you seen any of the guys lately??” - “I’m sorry.”
Sebastian stopped, as Hunter blurted over him, his words, and the latter could’ve flinched at the look he got. He didn’t, though, keeping his eyes set and his face composed. He sipped some more of his drink to down the blockage in his throat. It was cold, and somewhat disgusting by now, but it didn’t matter much.
“I know I fucked up.” He said, after all, after catching his breath and as Sebastian kept looking at him, searching for an explanation. Hunter let out a huff of air as he glanced down at his fingers. “I had no idea in hell what I was doing when we were together. I fucked up a lot. I’m glad you found someone.” He said, honestly. It had been stuck on his tongue since they’d crossed eyes at the cashier’s line. And it felt relieving to say it.
Sebastian didn’t look like he knew what to answer to that. Hunter gave him a quiet look. He didn’t need him to really say anything. Maybe it was better that way. He thought maybe he should get up and leave, but Sebastian stopped him again.
“You’re a cretin.”
Hunter cocked an eyebrow, in his turn, but didn’t disagree. Sebastian’s jaw was popped again, and his fingers were curled over the table. Hunter recognized that barbed edge in his eyes.
“All I wanted was you, Hunter.” He snorted, and it sounded bitter, as he looked up at the ceiling. There was a strain on the line of his throat all the way to his hard chin, and it made Hunter stop breathing. “Hell, I did everything to get you. And you gave me one hell of a fucking ride too, getting there.” When Sebastian downed his eyes back to him, they were so angry Hunter thought he could taste it. He suddenly wondered if Sebastian was going to punch him. He knew he wouldn’t stop him if he did. “And then you railroaded me, until I’d used up all of my cards, and all I could do was give up.”
Hunter swallowed. He knew the other was right.
Sebastian had been the messiest, craziest, best, thing that had ever happened to him. And Hunter had taken him for granted in every way, up to the day when he’d come back to empty drawers and a note on the bed. Being open and speaking all the words out just weren’t things they did. He’d repeated that in his mind day after day. A justification that had paled quickly after he left.
When Sebastian’d started to close up, he kept telling himself things would come around. It was just another phase. They’d get over it, if he just gave it enough time, like they’d always done. Now he knew how much of a complete asshole he’d been. The one thing he had never done was fight for him. He’d thought he’d given him everything, and when Sebastian wanted out, Hunter had let him, not wanting to get in his way. But the one thing he hadn’t done was ask him to stay. It kept him up at night, as he wondered if he’d still be there, if he’d just asked him to.
“Yeah you fucked up.” Sebastian shrugged, and his face seemed to deflate from whatever was clouding his temper before, making it easy going again. “Next time you do find someone, just don’t screw up again. I’m sure you’ll be fine.” He made a pause as he tapped his cup. “Give me a call, if you do.”
Hunter nodded. His tongue was dry in his mouth and it seemed like an effort to say anything. He wasn’t sure what to make of Sebastian’s disposition. As Hunter watched him, he realized that until that moment, he had still believed Sebastian and him would find their way back together one day.
He’d let himself hang on to that, for far too long, and probably lost more than one or two, or three, opportunities to move on. As much as he despised all the romanticized, impossible, love stories, he had always thought, deep down, that they were meant to be. That no matter what he did, what they did, they’d end up getting back into each other’s lives.
“That thing-” He cleared his throat as Sebastian gave him his attention again, looking curious. “That thing you slipped into your pocket earlier…” He trailed off, not sure if he really needed to finish the sentence. It had been all too clear, despite the elegant, quick way, in which Sebastian’s fingers had moved to hide it.
“Not gonna happen any time soon.”
Sebastian offered, knowing exactly what Hunter was referencing. Hunter couldn’t quite see his hand as he drew it back from the table to his lap, but he could almost swear it was inside his pocket, twirling the silver band around. “It was kind of a sappy celebration for the whole love wins vibe. And then it stuck. Maybe some time next year.”
Hunter forced his lips to quirk up and drank the rest of his cold bitter drink.
“Congratulations.” His voice sounded bloated even for him.
“Thank you.”
In the back of his head, he could still see the image his thoughts had perfected along the years, of what he’d choose, if he ever did, to wrap around Sebastian’s and his fingers. But sometime that year, had turned into maybe, and maybe had turned into in a few years more, and then it’d been too late. Hunter wanted to ask. Wanted to ask if all the particulars they’d both shared one day, Sebastian also did with his fiancé, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the answer.
He should be glad. And he was, in a sour way. Since they’d grown closer in high school, seeing Sebastian happy had always been high on his list. All he really wanted, even when he didn’t have the time to try to make it happen himself.
He loved him.
He had forbid himself from using the word for years. But the day he realized Sebastian was gone, as he sat down on the cold bed, with the note on his hand, and feeling lost and numb, was when he’d finally said it to himself.
He had loved Sebastian more than he’d ever loved anything else in his life.
Not the girl he’d had his first crush on. Not his pride, his family, his achievements, himself. Sebastian had taught him how to actually love, and he had loved him until his fingers were raw from touching him, and his mouth was dry from sharing kisses in the dark, more passionate than he’d ever dare outside their bedrooms.
His lungs felt hollow. He wanted to be glad, and he would train himself to be, along the next days. At least now he knew for sure. He knew for sure that Sebastian was happy and well cared for, and with a whole future ahead. Just like he’d known he would be. However, for now, all he could feel was a need to touch him so deep, the bones in his fingers ached. He still remembered exactly what he tasted like.
“How’re the in-laws?”
Sebastian’s lips curled again and this time there was just a shade of that easy way they’d used to have.
“They’re fine. It’s nice and a curse having normal holidays like all the boring people out there.”
Hunter chuckled.
“I’m sure.”
Maybe in time they could do it. Become a part of each other’s lives again, without messing one another up. Maybe in a few years more. He could feel it then, that that essential part of them, that had always made connection so easy, had somehow, impossibly, survived. And if it could survive this long, perhaps so could a relationship between them, whatever kind it had to be.
“You? Been doing holidays these days?”
Hunter nodded at that, knowing exactly what he meant.
“They came around eventually.”
There was a light in Sebastian’s eyes that made Hunter’s heart slip.
“Good.” He said, as casually as it was vehement. “They had to stop being idiot pricks at some point. Runs in the family, it seems.”
Hunter offered him a half smile. He hadn’t really been able to feel that happy when his parents had finally accepted him back into the family, after his coming out. Somehow it had felt like settling, without Sebastian. It had felt like admitting defeat, instead of winning something. Now, as Sebastian smiled at him, he finally felt like it was something to be proud of.
Sebastian’s phone bipped with a message, and Hunter felt both relief and disappointment when he got up.
“See you Clarington,” was the last cheeky thing he said. Hunter didn’t have it in him to respond, so he’d only nodded, in turn.
Something was still gnawing at him after they said goodbye. Sebastian promised he’d give him a call, and Hunter smiled and did the same, though he knew it wouldn’t happen. They just weren’t ready yet. As he watched him leave, though, he figured at least he’d got to watch him walk away this time. And that helped.
Later on, as Hunter drove back home, he breathed out and it was as though he’d been holding it back for five years. His bones ached even as they wrapped around the wheel, but not as much as they had for the past half-decade. He pulled up on the side of the road, when the tears blurred his eyes, and hunched over it as he let it out, grieving what he hadn't allowed himself to, until that moment. And when he got home and turned all the lights out, back in his room, he fell asleep almost as soon as he hit the mattress, to a dreamless night.