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Seeing him smile brought a smile to her face too. There was not a moment when the smile from his lips fell. She saw him from her chamber's window chatting in the courtyard with his siblings.
Cousins, she thought. And her smile dropped.
The dead had been defeated for over a fortnight now. A fortnight since she had lost all of her children. A fortnight since she had lost her old bear. A fortnight since she had known the truth about Jon.
She had anticipated the north to be cold and frigid. It was cold and frigid. But it grew colder day by day. She felt frozen. The fire inside her dying with her dragons. Her day started with cold meetings with her council. Varys, Tyrion, Lady Sansa, Lady Arya, Sam and the Valemen all of them felt forced to speak to her. She wanted to lash out at them, to tell them that she didn't have to listen to them too. But the apologetic look from Jon stopped her.
After the meetings she would try and talk to Missandei. She had lost Greyworm. They didn't talk rather just sat together in silence. Still she was most comfortable and at peace in those hours. Until one day she asked her for a safe travel to Naath, her homeland. Dany had begged her not to go but she was adamant and recommended her to come as well. She was angry at her but she let her go. Two days ago she had departured leaving her in this cold castle. Jon had told her that he was proud of her and that he couldn't have ever done such a thing. Maybe she was going mad but she wanted to kick him then. She wanted to hurt him but she had smiled and then sobbed for hours in her chambers.
Her nights were warm. Very warm. Only once she had gone to him. To talk about Rhaegar and Lyanna but had ended up on the bed with him on top.The other nights he came to her. They'd been animalistic. Their shared blood had changed nothing and yet everything between them.
Neither of them talked about it, yet the changes were subtle. He didn't lock eyes with her when he was inside her. Never kissed her. He would reciprocate when she touched his lips but never did he start one. While she tried to find her family features in him. Comparing him to what she heard of her eldest brother and ending up disappointed to find none. They rutted against each other. It was nothing more than that now. She still loved him but she felt that she was forcing him to stay with her. Maybe she was.
She clutched a goblet and poured wine in it. The sweet summerwine burned her insides and she was thankful for any kind of sensation. Maybe she'd been damaged beyond repair. Every time she tried to sleep the darkness creeped in. The image of two of her son's tearing each other apart resurfaced. Of her old bear being swarmed by dead bodies came. An image of Drogon succumbing to his wounds, dying a painful death came to her. Every night she woke up her body covered in sweat, air coming in gasps. Jon slept peacefully beside her. She had come to think that he avoided comforting her.
She was certain she was paranoid. During feasts, sitting at the edge of the high table. Leaning back in her chair. She rarely had smalltalk with anybody. She thought herself to be the sadness that this castle so hastily wanted to leave behind. Just like the Dothraki had done with Viserys. It was just a thought until this day, Tormund one of Jon's friends had announced him a king and indirectly her a madman. She wondered if all of them knew that he actually was their king what would happen to her. Only to find out that Varys, Tyrion, Sansa, Arya and Bran already knew.
She had been angry at him. A few hours later the anger was on herself. And then the anger subsided leaving only hollowness behind. She had sought after the Kingslayer earlier this day. Asking him what was the main reason that forced him to kill her father. He spoke of terrible things. Of blowing a city packed with people. Of the sad condition of her mother. But the thing that tugged at her heart was his devotion to Rhaegar. He said that to be with Rhaegar was treason in Aerys' eyes but still he willed to be with the prince. The prince was charismatic, strong, sensitive, had morals. Every bit like Jon, he finished. She smiled then too, hiding the acute pain she felt at her biggest insecurity being presented in front of her.
That was the way people saw them together she realized and would always continue to. Her as Aerys and him as Rhaegar. If she lived with him she would always have to fear a sword in the shadows waiting to pierce her back. But if they stayed away at least he would prosper.
And she will make sure that he lives and he shines. She had to. Rhaegar and Lyanna had sacrificed themselves for him to come in this world. Rhaella had sacrificed herself for Dany to live. Viserys had been sacrificed for her happiness. She had sacrificed all of her children to win the war. Thousands of mothers had sacrificed their children for them to be where they are today. Greyworm had sacrificed his life for Missandei. Jorah sacrificed himself. She realized that her life had been driven by sacrifices. Not only hers everybody's. Without sacrifice there are no stories, without stories there are no heroes without heroes there is no love and without love life is meaningless. For her family's name, she could at least sacrifice some more.
She almost jumped as two hands circled around her waist. Turning around she saw Jon smiling down at her.
"I'm sorry, sweetling." he said as he placed a random lock of hair behind her ear.
She relaxed into his embrace. Her chest touching his. Her face pressed into his chest. He sighed deeply. Jon loved the peace and tranquility she brought to him. Celebrating with his family, he had long thought dead, brought him back to his childhood. But even his childhood exactly hadn't been sweet. But being with her was something he couldn't get enough of.
"C'mon your grace, let's go to the feast."
"You go. I don't want to." She said half her voice being muffled by his chest.
"Even I won't go then. Whatever makes my queen happy shall be done by me." He said childishly. She moved her face to look at him. Untangling her hands she took a step back and turned away.
He knew something was off. She had closed herself to him and everybody else. Refraining to talk, conversing mostly through smiles and looks. He couldn't place his finger at what exactly was happening. He had decided to talk to her but then had backed out, instead deciding to let her come to peace with all the things that were going on.
"You never kiss me." She said her voice uncanny.
"I-I don't understand." He understood, he didn't want to face it. He turned her to face him. Her eyes were filled with tears and his heart pained to see her so.
"You fuck me, you fuck me day and night. You do everything else. But you don't kiss me. Never.."
She had been stopped midsentence by his lips crashing down on hers. He tried to pour all of his feelings through it. Lashing his tongue against hers. But she didn't reciprocate. He was hurt yet he released her and held her to him. His chin touching her hair. After a few minutes she said,
"You won't die, would you?" her fingers tracing his scar. The one right above his heart.
"Why would I die?" He said confused.
"Promise me."
He brought her head upwards and looked into her eyes as he kissed both of her knuckles.
"I won't, I promise" he said worried.
"If you stay with me, they'll destroy us. I-If you stay with me, everything will turn to ash."
The tears that had been kept from falling finally fell. Suddenly the proximity became too much for him. Jon pushed her away. He walked a few steps and stood in front of the mirror. She came not long after, her hands snaked into his and her face pressed to his neck. Their eyes locked in the mirror.
"You know, right. That you would be a great king. You will achieve things what no other king could ever think of. You will shine as bright as the sun. When they will write your story they'll forget Rhaegar's." Her hands roamed his. He listened shocked into silence. He turned around to face her. His face was cupped by her hands almost immediately. Her thumb caressing his temple.
"Your story will be written only if you stay alive. And for Rhaegar to stay alive Aerys has to go." He finally caught what she was trying to say.
"You are not going anywhere" he said his voice weak. "You are not going anywhere" he repeated weaker.
He shakes her hands away. Her touch becoming too much to bear with the emotion. Jon was determined to drag her with him to the feast. For the others to talk some sense into her. To tell her that he didn't give a fuck what others thought. But soon realized that he did care otherwise he would've kissed her like he did today a thousand times. He also knew what his sister's thought about her. What Varys had told him after he got to know the truth from his sister. Of Tyrion's decreasing loyalty to her.
He had a look at her, her eyes pained and cheeks red.
"You are not going ANYWHERE!" he said and was thankful for the sternness in his voice. He turned around and got out of the chamber as fast as his feet carried him.
Later that night, when he returned, Longclaw in his hands decorated with the blood of three northmen. He found five more northmen fighting against two of her Unsullied guards. He had beheaded one of them without any remorse. All of them fell soon save one whose hands he had cut off. His heart rocked in his chest with fury. He wanted to take lives. Whoever would have done this was going to die a slow and painful death. He told the Unsullied to question the man for the name while he slowly walked towards the door of her chamber.
He found her. Like a heap on the ground her head resting against the foot of the bed with her left wrist tore open with a piece of a broken glass in her other hand.
He fell to his knees as a single tear rolled down his cheek. Her words from earlier being repeated in his mind. He wiped the blood off her and touched her forehead to his. He should be crying bitterly but he felt only rage against all of the others who couldn't accommodate a place for her in their world. Angry at her for being so selfish and leaving him to fend for himself alone.
"Lady Sansa" said an eastern voice. He kissed her forehead and closed her eyes with his fingers. He ordered them to have her cleaned and leave her body alone.
Sansa. So her neck was the one to face Longclaw first, Jon thought.