Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The soft rattle of the Greyhound bus had an almost hypnotizing effect on Nathaniel—Neil. Neil shook his head. Nathaniel Wesninski was dead, abandoned with a pile of corpses and a house he never had to see again. The man who sat on the bus now, toddler curled against his chest, auburn hair damp on his forehead—he was Neil Josten. Nighttime rendered the landscape outside the window flat and bleak. Pale honeycombs of moonlight slid through heavy-bowed trees and wet grass almost as tall as Connor. The view faded to an indistinct smudge as Neil’s heavy eyelids fell and he drifted to sleep, but all Neil would find there was blood.

Traveling from Baltimore to South Carolina with an eighteen-month-old wasn’t something Neil’s life as the son of a crime boss had prepared him for. But Connor had snored softly for most of the ride, thin trickles of drool pooling on Neil’s hoodie. At least one of them could get some rest. Neil brushed his hand over the little wisps of Connor’s auburn curls and gently massaged tender skin. He didn’t know a lot about parenting, but he was certain a child shouldn’t have to witness any of the things he and Connor had just seen in Baltimore.

Neil’s right leg cramped painfully thanks to the bus’s brutally efficient design, Connor’s constant weight, and the duffel blocking off what little foot room was leftover. He shifted his weight to his left in slow degrees. At first, Connor’s long eyelashes lay still, but then his little forehead scrunched and he began to stir. What started as an exploratory moan escalated into a decent temper tantrum in a split second, loud enough to wake up even passengers in the last row.

A woman two rows ahead turned to glare, nose pinched. Neil glared back while he lifted Connor’s head to his shoulder and tried to calm the crying child, mumbling reassurances and lowly humming his favorite lullaby. She relented, but things were never easy for Neil, so of course, the woman swiveled her head around a few minutes later and opened her mouth.

“Sorry, but could you calm that kid a bit quicker? We’re all damn tired in here.” She turned to her neighbor, muttering something about kids not being allowed on buses until they were old enough to know how to be quiet.

Neil sighed. He wouldn’t be able to leave that without comment. “Oh, I’m sorry. Maybe you could try headphones and, I don’t know, a beating heart? Though not having one explains why you never cried as a child, I’m sure. Oh, wait, no,” he held up the arm not wrapped around Connor and feigned looking at his watch, “my bullshit meter’s full today. Maybe next time.” Neil’s voice was still raspy and harsh from the last twenty-four hours, but the menace in his expression was real. The woman must have been able to tell; she turned around and remained silent as Connor’s bawling quieted to sniffs and hiccups.

After forty-five minutes that seemed to stretch an eternity, the bus squealed and puffed to a stop in Palmetto, South Carolina. The town was small enough not to attract too much attention, but big enough that no one would ask questions. And if anything happened, Neil could always get them quickly to Columbia. When Neil saw the name “Palmetto” on the stop list, he remembered how Aubrey had told him about living there as a kid for a while. The memories she shared were good. It felt right to bring her son here, but right now all Neil wanted was to find a motel where he could get his first proper shower in days and sleep in a bed instead of hunched over at awkward angles in bus seats or next to toilets in public bathroom stalls. Neil squeezed the back of his stiff neck and looked down at Connor, tiny lips pursed and breath lapsed back into even calm. They’d both be happy to sleep on a mattress again.

Neil stepped off the bus and into the warm night. Droplets of rain began to dot his shoulders. The boy on Neil’s chest frowned at the warm rain as it stippled the little stretches of fabric and skin Neil couldn’t shield with his arms.

“I know, I know. It won’t be a long walk,” Neil said. A yellow motel sign glowed fuzzy in the rain. “What about a nice breakfast tomorrow morning, huh? I’m sure you’re as hungry as I am. Maybe eggs and toast?” Connor clenched his arms tighter around Neil’s neck and nuzzled his head deeper into the hollow between Neil’s neck and collarbone. “No eggs and toast then?” Neil sighed. He needed to have a conversation with someone over two years old, and Connor needed stability and routine as soon as Neil could find it. They wouldn’t stay in this motel any longer than they absolutely had to.

It was with Neil’s last puff of energy that they made it through the door of the small, shabby place right at the edge of town. The elderly woman behind the reception desk gave Neil and Connor a pitying smile when they pushed past the door, as if she had been expecting them. Connor’s red-rimmed eyes swiveled around the room and back to the woman as he clung tighter to Neil’s body. The lobby’s walls had been painted mint, and they reflected cold halogen light back toward Neil where the paint wasn’t chipped and worn. Old upholstery clothed a wing-back chair in the corner, so misshapen from use Neil wasn’t sure it would hold if he sat down on it. A kind of shabbiness permeated the place, like a thin layer of grime sunk into the furniture and the carpet no longer reachable by vacuum or spray bottle.

The motel room wasn’t more than the basic bed, nightstand, and bathroom, but Neil couldn’t care less as he got his son ready for bed. The sheets were a bit suspicious, and for a moment Neil considered having them both sleep on top of the covers, but the frustration in Connor’s eyes had him deciding to just sleep now and shower thoroughly later.

Chapter Text

Neil woke up when the first rays of morning sun filtered through the threadbare yellow curtains and danced over his sleepy eyes. Connor’s back was pressed into his chest, Neil’s arm wrapped tightly around the small, relaxed body. Neil scooted cautiously towards the edge of the bed, only lifting his arm when he was sure that Connor wouldn’t stir.

The bathroom wasn’t more than a spare wet room, but at least it wasn’t as dirty as the lobby. Neil’s eyes were red and sunken, his chin and cheeks covered by a messy stubble. He left the door ajar as he undressed, just in case Connor woke up looking for him. He stepped under the hot spray, the almost scalding water rushing over his sore body and washing away the remnants of the past forty-eight hours. His face burned as he scrubbed it roughly and forced away rising memories of blood splatters.

When Neil opened his eyes to step out, he almost bumped into his son who clung to the bathtub’s brim, his wobbly knees unstable. It was like Neil’s own eyes stared back at him, Connor’s features being so similar to his own. Only his nose belonged to Aubrey. Neil avoided looking into the mirror on the opposite wall. He didn’t need to see his face right now, to think back to his own father, to the life he had just left.

“Hey, little one,” Neil said instead, and wrapped one of the rough, white towels around his own waist before lifting a still sleepy Connor up to his chest. Neil settled him down on his right hip bone. With a quick practiced hand, Neil raked through Connor‘s curls, taming the wild mess he’d imparted to the boy. Connor wrapped his arms around Neil’s neck and rested his cheek on Neil’s shoulder, his favorite blue pacifier decorated with an illustrated giraffe slipping from his mouth.

“Dada,” he mumbled around the silicon into Neil’s neck.

Neil’s scarred hand slowly rubbed circles into the toddler’s back. Sticking to their morning routine was the least Neil could do right now to provide some stability in a storm whose damage Neil couldn’t yet gauge.

When Connor’s eyes fell shut again, Neil walked into the bedroom and laid his son back down into the still-warm cushions of the bed, then quickly rubbed his own damp skin dry and switched into new clothes.

His to-do list for the day was overwhelming, but he needed to function, for Connor. First, he double-checked his bank account balance. It would be enough to get them through the next few weeks, but he needed a job sooner rather than later.

Second, Connor needed a set of new clothes, and Neil was running out of wipes and diapers. A trip to the drugstore was inevitable; maybe Neil could grab some snacks and pain killers there as well. He also needed to get new gauze and disinfectant to clean his stitched-up wounds.

Third, he wanted to get out of this motel as quickly as possible and look for a car and an apartment. Stuart had given Neil the address of an “old acquaintance” who “owed him a favor” where Neil could supposedly acquire a car by flashing his uncle’s business card.

Neil settled on breakfast as the first priority, then packed the duffle with meticulous routine and changed Connor’s diaper. Luckily Connor’s grumpiness stayed within reasonable limits, and Neil could quickly dress him and brush his teeth before heading for the lobby with their baggage in tow.

The hotel didn’t offer breakfast, only coffee from a dirty percolator Neil eyed suspiciously. He was about to go for it in his exhaustion, but refrained as he realized gastritis from a germ factory wouldn’t do them a favor in their situation. Pushing the prospect of hot coffee aside, he turned towards the exit. A little walk couldn’t hurt, especially not when the sun was drying the soaked concrete and warming their skin.

Neil carried Connor down the street to a little coffee shop on the edge of town. The inside was bland and unassuming. After a short scan of the sparse menu, Neil ordered a regional newspaper, coffee and a bagel for himself, then dug Connor’s plastic cup of Cheerios out of his bag. Connor cheerily banged the cup on the counter and chomped on the pieces of cereal.

Bright flyers covered a cork board hung on the opposite wall. A bright orange ad yelled: TRUCK DRIVERS WANTED, HIRING NOW. Neil scanned the rest of the paper. Competitive pay and home time, $80,000 potential income— yeah, right —regional routes, great benefits...not bad. He tore a tab with the phone number, then shuffled back to the counter to drink his coffee and eat half of the stale bagel, telling himself to call the number immediately after finishing running errands.

A newspaper confirmed Neil’s assumptions: Palmetto was in the sticks. The most exciting event in the near future was a gardening competition, and the worst event that had happened in the past week was an auto theft by a group of bored teenagers who’d confessed themselves guilty after a nice joyride to Columbia. Neil and Connor would be safe here for some time.

“Dada,” Connor interrupted Neil’s intense newspaper study, happily drumming his hands onto the counter. Neil sighed and kept his hands still, sealing the cup of cereal before a trickle of milk and Cheerios could flood the shop floor.

“No, Connor,” he scolded his son half-heartedly, never really being strict. “Just let me scan the apartments for a minute, okay?” Connor’s blue eyes looked at him expectantly, a small smile tugging on his lips, mirroring his father. Smiling wasn’t what Neil really wanted to do, but when Connor had been born, Neil had scanned some parenting books, one emphasizing the importance of smiling for healthy development, so he tried from time to time. It wasn’t too hard, looking at Connor’s little face. “We want to leave that motel, right?” Neil asked and nodded. “Good boy,” he said when Connor nodded back at him and sat still, giving Neil the chance to scan the housing ads.

He circled the reasonable ones with a pen and highlighted the cheap and child-friendly ones by underlining them. When he was through with browsing, he had a bunch of ads he would have to call right after the carrier. He downed the rest of his tepid black coffee, wrapping the remnants of his bagel in a napkin. Connor had kept himself busy by sucking at a wad of keys Neil had handed him a few minutes ago.

“Come on, Con. Let’s get out of here,” he gritted out as he lifted the toddler from the chair. The boy had quite a weight by now. Aubrey’s complaints about back pain during her pregnancy were much more understandable for Neil after carrying 22 extra pounds around all day. “I hope you learn to use these wobbly legs soon,” Neil quipped, gently pinching Connor’s chubby calf. A full-hearted shriek was followed by loud laughter, making Neil’s chest feel warm as he nuzzled his son’s neck. At least one of them was really fine.

~

The first person Neil sought out was Stuart’s contact. The car dealer wasn’t quite as shady as Neil had expected. A sleazy guy in a gray suit and hair styled into a pomaded quiff led them into a big office where Stuart’s “friend” had everything prepared to make Neil the owner of an acceptable decade-old Volkswagen Golf, nothing fancy, nothing suspicious.

After a longer than intended shopping trip to the drugstore and kids’ section of Walmart, Neil was so exhausted he could fall asleep right on the bench where he had settled for a short break. Connor was straddling his lap, head buried into Neil’s shirt for a nap while Neil’s hand rubbed the toddler’s back.

At least the trip had paid off. He’d gotten four new sets of clothes for Connor, two new pajamas, a new blankie, and the plushie the boy had spotted and not put down again until Neil had given in. Neil had almost invested in a new stroller, but threw the idea out the moment he’d seen the price tags. They were impractical anyway. The drugstore could have been a cakewalk but had ended in a disaster as Connor had seen it as the perfect moment to throw a tantrum, his after-lunch nap absolutely overdue.

Neil’s burner phone beeped, signaling that the battery was fully charged. Trying to not wake his son, Neil fished in his jeans pockets for the tab from the cafe. He hesitated for a moment and listened to the monotone hum of the dial tone before he dialed the number.

“Thank you for calling Fox Transport. You’re speaking to Kevin Day. How can I help you?”

The man on the other end of the line sounded much younger than Neil had expected.

“Hi, my name is Neil Josten. I saw your job advertisement for a driver this morning. Are you still hiring?”

“Yes, we’re still hiring. Have you ever worked as a driver?”

No. “Yes.”

“So you already have a trucking license. Good. Can you name your last employer? Just for some background checks.”

Fuck. Stuart would have to help him with this. “Global Transits, Europe.”

“Europe?” Shit. He sounded suspicious. Good job, Neil. “But you are a US citizen?”

“Yes, I worked overseas for six months, but I’m a US citizen.”

“ Hm, ambitious of you. And you have a résumé you can send over, I presume?”

“Oh, definitely.” Another thing to fabricate as quickly as possible.

“Great.” Neil took down the email address as the man spelled it out slowly. “ And assuming all goes well with the résumé, are you available for an interview tomorrow afternoon?”

“Absolutely.”

“Good. I’ll meet you at the Foxhole Diner on Highway 20, 3:30 p.m. Try not to be late.”

Neil agreed and said his goodbyes into an already dead line. Connor stirred in his lap and Neil grimaced, realizing his error. Connor would just have to come with him tomorrow. Hopefully, Kevin Day liked kids.

Chapter Text

The best parts of Andrew’s workday were the evening hours, populated only by a handful of regulars who rarely bothered Andrew. He knew their orders by heart, of course, and used the few easy hours to take care of the accounting or start cleaning up early while he let his mind wander off.

When the bell over the door chimed, Andrew sighed, plunked the soap-soaked cloth into the sink and made his way to the counter. It was Kevin, not unusual, but something was off in the expression on his face. Kevin lowered himself onto a stool and propped his head on his fists, elbows on the countertop.

“Don’t you have a home?” Andrew deadpanned, though the joke was mostly on Andrew since Kevin was currently crashing at his place until Wymack got back from the hospital.

Kevin wasn’t a humble man, and it had taken a lot for him to ask Andrew to crash at his place until his father was back in town. I don’t want to be alone, he had said. Andrew had wanted to tell Kevin to grow up, but he hadn’t. He’d just reluctantly agreed and surrendered his guest room for the next few nights.

Andrew trotted over to his weary patron with a coffee pot and clanked down two mugs. Kevin’s he filled to the rim, then fixed his own concoction of caffeine, excessive half and half, and plenty of sugar. Kevin looked at Andrew with red-rimmed eyes. Andrew reached beneath the counter and retrieved his emergency bottle of Irish whiskey. He added a liberal amount to Kevin’s mug, then finished it off with some whipped cream. Kevin was too tired to protest Andrew’s addition. Andrew propped his hip against the counter with a sigh. “I suppose you wanna talk about it.”

“Actually I don't, but I’m guessing you won’t leave me alone until I do,” Kevin mumbled into his arms. “Still nothing back from the tests at the hospital, and Jean and Jere are having a ‘blast’ in New York. All hell’s breaking loose in the transport office with Dad gone. I didn’t even know he was hiring and now I have to do all these interviews with boring, undereducated people.” Kevin stretched the word “people” several syllables longer than it had any right to be, annoyance and arrogance bleeding into his voice.

“So Wymack leaves you a well-organized, profitable company while he’s in the ward after a false alarm for a stroke, and all you have to complain about is people who didn’t go to college and being personally underfucked. Seems really hard.” Andrew clicked his tongue and shuffled around the counter to take orders from a pair of elderly men preoccupied with a card game in a window booth. He could feel Kevin scowling at his back as he went. Served him right. Andrew had plenty to think about on his own, last night’s phone call with his twin brother being one of them.

Chocolate chip pancakes, extra whip cream. Andrew’s customers weren’t so bad. No one expected anything fancy, and for the most part, folks were happy to keep to themselves. He returned to his station and retrieved a jug of batter.

“You think I’m being unfair,” Kevin accused from behind Andrew’s back.

Andrew ignored him for a few moments, pouring the batter into perfect circles. He’d been here for enough years it was all muscle memory by now. He turned on his friend. “I think you’re being the asshole you always are,” Andrew said, slightly amused by Kevin’s scowl.

“Pot calling the kettle—”

“Wanna stay? Then shut your mouth.” Andrew turned back to his hot plate and flipped the cakes. Kevin was all right, but he had a habit of taking out his stress on whoever stood in a ten-foot radius. The pancakes finished, and Andrew heaped them onto two plates with their requisite toppings. He delivered his creations to the booth without comment, then circulated the rest of the diner, topping off mugs of coffee. Andrew didn’t have to ask if everything was okay with the food. He knew it was. He’d made it himself, hadn’t he?

Finally, Andrew slipped back behind the counter, nodded to Kevin, then stepped into the evening air to have a smoke. The sun dissolved at the horizon like watercolor on canvas, a million dappled shades of milky orange and purple. He’d been living in South Carolina for five years now, but he’d never tire of seeing these sunsets, even if they reminded him of California.

The back door creaked behind him, and a slightly calmer looking Kevin leaned against the building at Andrew’s side, tightening his leather jacket around his body in nervous habit.

Andrew hummed a prompt for Kevin to talk and took one last drag before he let the cherry die, keeping the smoke in long enough to coat his lungs before letting it escape through his nostrils.

“I set up an interview for tomorrow afternoon. He’ll be here at 3:30. Only promising call.”

Andrew looked at his friend.

“Something is off with this guy.” Kevin raked his hand through his hair, making it messier rather than straightening it. “I don’t know what. He has a clean slate according to the database, worked in Europe for the last six months and his last employer could only speak highly of him. But his résumé was unconventional…”

“Unconventional how?” Andrew preferred not to get involved in Kevin’s affairs, but he was glad to distract Kevin for the time being.

“It was...too professional. I don’t know what it is, but I get the feeling something’s off.”

“And you’re telling me this because?” Andrew was about to light another cigarette just so he could stand Kevin’s rambling, but he needed to get back inside. Thank God Kevin’s fuckbuddies would be around again by next week.

“Because there’s no one else to tell, and I think you have something like a—” Kevin paused to search for the right words, “radar? Radar, yeah. I mean, you can always tell when someone is weird. And this guy is real young. Maybe you’ll pick up on something when he’s here for the interview.”

Andrew rolled his eyes and walked to the door. “I’m not a psychic, Kevin. It just takes a criminal to know one.” He stepped into the warm diner kitchen. He hated leaving the smell of wet soil and the quiet beauty of the golden hour, but the dirt at least would be waiting for him when he locked up tonight. Kevin resumed drinking his cream-dolloped Irish coffee. They went through the familiar ritual of Kevin offering to pay and Andrew refusing, then Kevin took his leave with a grateful “See you at home.” Andrew waved his friend off.

Kevin was suspicious to the core, but Andrew would keep an eye out for the new recruit tomorrow anyway. He looked forward to any opportunity to needle Kevin about his irrational suspicions, a product of his high-strung disposition. And, well, Andrew always had Kevin’s back.

~

It was well after midnight when Andrew unlocked his front door, Sir dependably greeting him with a cacophony of mews. Andrew hung his motorcycle helmet up and scooped up the tortoiseshell fluffball. She rubbed the top of her head against his chest then continued with the desperate mewing. Andrew relented and put her down before emptying a can of fishy cat food into Sir’s bowl. “You’ll explode one day, you know that?” he lectured the cat, who was more than happy to ignore him and survey the quality of her meal. As if Andrew would ever give her anything but the best.

Andrew draped his leather jacket over a barstool and retrieved a cool bottle of beer from the fridge. He propped himself against the countertop of the kitchen block and watched disgustedly as Sir devoured tuna pieces, before he headed off to the living room.

Kevin sprawled on the sofa, the thin comforter entangled between his long legs, soft snores escaping his agape mouth. On the sofa table stood a half-empty bottle of vodka and a food container with the remains of day-old dinner rice and chicken. Andrew considered leaving Kevin there, drowning in self-pity and his misery, but a stiff neck would only add to Kevin’s grumpiness.

“Hey, princess, get up,” he said and nudged Kevin’s shoulder with his foot, almost laughing at Kevin’s sounds and crumpled face. “Porn? In my living room? Couldn’t even make it upstairs, Day, huh?” Kevin frowned and looked past Andrew to the TV where two men had obviously long surpassed their foreplay, moans, and groans coming from the speakers.

“Was watch’n Exy,” Kevin mumbled unconvincingly.

“Sure, all eager for balls.” Andrew took the remote and decided for a coitus interruptus by switching the TV off, focusing back on a now sitting Kevin who rubbed his hands over his sleepy face. “Let’s get you to bed.” Kevin nodded and got up, stretching himself before shuffling upstairs into his bedroom. “And don’t forget to brush your teeth,” Andrew yelled after Kevin who huffed and flipped him off as he rounded the railing.

Andrew shook his head as Kevin disappeared into his room. Sir settled down on her scratcher. “I know, pathetic, isn’t he?” The cat flicked her tail, licking her paws as if Andrew didn’t even exist. Ungrateful. “Don’t expect the door to be open,” Andrew said and turned to his bedroom. Of course, he left the door ajar.

The air drifting in from outside was still warm, the humidity surrounding Andrew like a blanket. He didn’t mind it, even preferred it to the dry heat of the west. The warmth of South Carolina reached down to his bones. Andrew folded back the grey sheets and fluffed up his crumpled pillow before stepping under the shower’s warm spray. He relaxed as the diner’s grime washed from his skin. This had become a familiar rite, helping to keep stress and darker thoughts at bay.

Finished with his nightly routine and clothed in his coziest sweatpants and shirt, Andrew slipped under the covers and put on his glasses. His book and his beer waited on the nightstand. Twelve hours of socializing took its toll on him. He picked up where he left off yesterday, following Stephen Hawking’s ideas through time until his eyes were too heavy to keep open.

Glasses down and lights off, Andrew was grateful he was too tired to think much. Even under his comforter, he was vulnerable. It was only Kevin, he reminded himself. Andrew had known him for years. Kevin would never harm him. Andrew felt sleep pulling him under, a heavy presence at once comforting and dangerous. He let unconsciousness take him and wondered idly if tonight's sleep held his ghosts, too.

Chapter Text

Neil and Connor arrived at the Foxhole Diner and found a very tall man with hair gelled into spikes waving cheerily. “Neil, right?” His voice carried across the diner lobby. Neil nodded back and crossed the room in quick strides, Connor jangling merrily on his hip.

“Who’s this little dude?” the big man cooed. “I didn’t know we were getting an extra special visitor.” He bent down and puffed his cheeks out at Connor before blowing the air out noisily into a big smile. Connor made a sound of delight and reached for the man’s face.

Neil cleared his throat. “Kevin?” He held out a hand.

“Matt, actually! Matt Boyd.” He gave Neil’s hand a good yank. “Kevin’s got some family stuff going on right now. The boss was in the hospital, actually, but they’re releasing him and Kevin’s there helping wrap everything up.” Matt’s voice had the slight lilt of someone who hadn’t grown up in the south but had lived there long enough to pick up some of its cadences.

“Glad to hear it,” Neil said and internally winced. Hopefully, Matt interpreted his shortness as professionalism. Matt motioned them toward a booth with mint-colored vinyl seats.

“Can I hold him?” Matt asked, a big grin that looked to Neil to be genuine forming on his face.

Neil’s gut reaction was a firm no, but Matt looked so enchanted by Connor—though really, who wouldn’t be—and Connor was already leaning toward the big man.

“Go ahead,” Neil said and ferried the little chunk over.

“What’s your name, bud?” Matt cooed as he held Connor up at eye level.

“Ptuh!” Connor swung his legs and giggled.

“Oh sweet.”

“It’s Connor,” Neil said.

Matt nodded sagely. “What’s up, Connor? How you doing, little man?” He settled in the booth and bounced Connor on his lap. “You like cheese?” Matt looked up to check with Connor’s parent.

Neil nodded and watched as Matt airplane-zoomed tiny bits of melted cheese from his half-eaten sandwich into Connor’s delighted mouth.

“Sorry, Neil, I was going to wait for you, but I was out of my mind starving when I got here.”

Neil relaxed a degree. “I don’t mind.” He fished in the diaper bag for one of the recently purchased jars of baby food.

“So, Neil, it seems like you’re new around town. Where’d you come in from?”

Neil queued up his bland reply, not too specific, but enough to hold off further questions, but was interrupted by the appearance of a short, blond man in an apron. The man was dressed in all black, including a long-sleeved t-shirt, except for the apron, which was a blinding shade of orange. The words “Foxhole Diner” were printed in white on the left breast and accentuated with the shape of a paw. Striking clothing aside, it was hard to miss the man’s muscular build. Neil looked to his face and found it completely blank.

“Andrew,” Matt grinned. Connor made a tiny squeak in solidarity.

“Matt,” the man said. Hazel eyes flicked to Neil and seemed to X-ray him from top to bottom, flat with indifference, flecked in green and gold, set in a square jaw.

“This is Neil,” Matt gestured.

“The would-be trucker,” Andrew deadpanned.

“That’s right! Neil, this is Andrew Minyard, chef, waiter, busboy, and owner of this fine establishment.”

Neil and Andrew continued their staredown while Matt talked on, oblivious. Connor babbled back and Matt happily joined him in a bizarre conversation.

Andrew shifted his weight to one hip and raised and tilted his head toward Connor. “Yours?”

“That’s right,” Neil said, his voice a bit harder than strictly necessary. Matt paused in his baby chatter.

“Well, are you gonna order or stick with the Sweet Potato and Kale mush for now?” Andrew raised an eyebrow at the baby food container Neil had left on the table.

“Oh, uh—” Neil fumbled for a paper menu folded behind the ketchup bottle and stowed the container away.

“I’ll give you a minute,” Andrew said, then turned away.

“Was that Grumpy Andrew?” Matt cooed to a giggling Connor, tickling his sides, sending him squirming and squeaking. Neil felt uncomfortable when a group of teenagers looked their way. “He wears a big old frown and acts real mean,” Matt performed for Connor, drawing out “real” and scrunching his face up, “but he’s got a big heart on the inside.” Connor squealed and tried to shove his fist into Matt’s mouth.

“I can hear you, Boyd,” Andrew called as he disappeared to what Neil assumed was the kitchen. Matt grinned conspiratorially at Neil.

All in all, it wasn’t very difficult for Neil to fudge his way through his trucking history. Matt had a few questions about driving in Europe. What was it like to drive through three different countries in one day? Would Neil be okay driving on the “right” side of the road? Neil explained that most of the continental countries he drove through stuck to the right side rather than the left, and Matt “oh”ed and “okay, okay”ed like Neil was shelling out profound wisdom. Neil produced the forged license from his uncle’s contact and bluffed his way through his employment history. He was good at lying. In another life, he had to be.

“Well, we’ll run a background check, and in the meantime, if you wouldn’t mind hitting up the clinic and donating a urine sample, that’d be great. If everything clears, you’ll be hearing back from us soon.” Matt made it sound so easy. And it should be. Neil had nothing in his system, and Stuart had planted both Neil Abram and Connor Theodore Josten with a whole history of public documents. Neil agreed and, they shook on it, Matt once again crushing Neil’s hand in his grip. “Sorry to see you go, bud,” the taller man said as he handed Connor back, gently pinching the toddler’s chubby cheek. Connor sucked his teeth in goodbye but didn’t mourn the loss for long, one fist happily lodged in his mouth, the other twisted in Neil’s collar. Neil looked down at his son and smiled. Neil’s life had turned out so different than he’d expected, but here he was with a tiny person in his arms, so full of personality and curiosity. He couldn’t help but kiss Connor’s sticky cheek.

Matt was already beaming back at him. “So it’s just the two of you?”

Neil nodded.

“What happened to his momma?”

“She passed.”

“Oh,” Matt said, gaze full of pity. Neil was more than relieved when Matt didn’t dig deeper but asked, “Will you be able to figure out a childcare situation—should things work out, I mean.”

“Yeah, I’m going to need to figure that out no matter what.”

“Cool. Well, don’t be shy about calling if you ever need a sitter,” Matt said with a wink. “Me and the missus watch everybody’s kids. They’re so dope, you know?” Matt waggled his finger at Connor, then stopped abruptly, looking stricken. Neil panicked, preparing himself for a sob story. Matt continued, looking a bit abashed, “Uh, do me a solid and don’t tell Dan I called her that, yeah? She’d wrestle me to the ground.”

“Oh—of course not, and thank you,” Neil’s attempt not to sound surprised was a total failure. “It’s kind of you to offer. And thank you for meeting with me,” he tacked on in a more professional voice at the last moment.

“No sweat. I gotta run, but I’ll see both of you around soon. Isn’t that right, little dude?” Matt dug a business card out of his wallet, handed it to Neil, then waved and lumbered out the door. Neil was pushing to his feet and rearranging Connor in his arms when the blond waiter reappeared, pen and notebook in hand.

“Dine-n-dash, then?”

Neil looked back to Matt’s plate, stricken. He tried to stutter out a response but Andrew cut him off.

“Leave it.” Andrew’s eyes landed on Connor who let out a hearty “baaaababa” then leaned in Andrew’s direction, arms out and hands crab-opening and closing. Neil corralled his son back to his chest. “Interesting,” Andrew said, then whipped the towel from his waistband over his shoulder and held up his pen and paper expectantly.

Neil picked the first thing he saw off the menu. “Uh, chicken tenders.”

“Fries?”

“Uh, sure.”

“A salad?”

“Sure. Wait—”

Andrew ignored him and continued on, monotone. “Drink?”

“Water, please.”

Andrew marked an unintelligible symbol on his notebook and left, again without a word. Neil and Connor kept themselves occupied as they waited. Connor discovered a deep affinity for the booth’s texture and proceeded to slap the vinyl in a chaotic rhythm, letting out pensive “hoohoo”s every few slaps. Neil let him have his way with the seat, nodding affirmatively when Connor looked his way for approval. The noisy knot of teenagers took their leave, and Neil took in the calm atmosphere.

Glass and ceramic clinked lightly together as the remaining patrons finished their meals. Neil noticed vague but pleasant music that must have been playing in the background the whole time. The rush of the air conditioner felt good on his skin, and something about the smell of syrup and burgers relaxed him. Hopefully, Stuart had kept his word and Neil would hear from Kevin sooner than later.

Andrew dropped their food off without a word or glance, but Neil didn’t take it personally. He wasn’t big on fried food and rarely had chicken tenders, but these were surprisingly good. Neil devoured them in a rush. He held the last tender up for his and Connor’s inspection. What was the deal?

“Checking for traps?”

Andrew again, this time with the check.

“No, I—,” Andrew’s word choice gave Neil pause. He continued carefully. “Just wondering what makes these so good.”

“I make them correctly. From scratch.” Andrew’s face was bored as he set the check on the table. “Whenever you’re ready.” He glanced back to the tender held aloft in silent mockery.

Neil wanted to leave the tender out of spite, but he was hungrier than he was defiant, so he finished it with the fries. He’d come back when he had enough fuel to give as good as he got. Even so, Neil was happy to have found the diner and felt a bit comforted knowing it would be here if he needed it.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad here in Palmetto.

~

Neil’s apartment search was much less pleasant. The building looked a bit dilapidated from the outside, but Neil didn’t really care about looks. It just had to do the job. The apartment itself, however, was even worse than the outside. Long brown stains crawling down from the corners, either mold or water stains. The furniture was older than even the motel’s, and the landlord leered at Neil and Connor in a way that reminded Neil of one of his father’s henchmen from his childhood. He left without a word.

The second place looked much better than the first, old but well-cared for. But, as he had learned throughout his life, nothing good came without a catch. The landlord let on that he had upped the rent by a third since placing the ad. The apartment was unaffordable for Neil.

The third and fourth apartments were misses as well. One too loud and with only one proper bedroom, and the other with a landlord who proclaimed he “loved little kids, bless their hearts, but couldn’t stand to have them in the building” and sent Neil away before he could set foot on the porch.

By the time Neil headed to his fifth option, it was late in the day, and Connor was whining in Neil’s baby-sore arms. The sun moved steadily toward its exit and the orange eyes of street lights began to glow. A grumpy old man let Neil into a multi-story building, and naturally, Connor decided this was the perfect moment to finally lose his temper. Neil couldn’t fault him for it. He reasoned with himself that they’d know the landlord was a reasonable man if he still offered the exhausted young father and his yowling toddler a lease.

“Good evening. Sorry for being a bit late,” Neil apologized. He rocked Connor to calm him down and fished in his pockets for the pacifier that must have disappeared through some ominous black hole.

The landlord tucked a wrinkled shirt over his belly and into his pants then peered at a wailing Connor. “Little fella’s torn up, isn’t he? Well, I’m still here, so let’s not waste daylight. The tenants need their peace back by bedtime.” Neil wasn’t sure how to interpret that, but he followed the man inside anyway.

The vacant apartment was on the fourth floor, and the elevator out of service. Connor’s shrieks were a sheet of harsh noise that left his ears ringing. Neil reminded himself that he was lucky so many apartments let him tour on such short notice. Noise seeped out of the apartments they passed as they made their way down the hall: a blur of overblown bass, sharp voices from TVs, and indecipherable shouts.

The apartment itself wasn’t much. Neil hummed to Connor as they shimmied down the hallway.

“She doesn’t have central air, but you’re welcome to set up window units if you like,” the landlord said.

That was a definite drawback, to say the least. Sweat already beaded on the back of Neil’s neck and Connor squirmed uncomfortably, crying dissolving into hiccups and low-level sobs. The advertisement had claimed a furnished apartment, and a few spare pieces of furniture stood in each room. That was probably for the best, though, as the apartment was, well, tiny. The living room was full with only a loveseat and an armchair, a bit aged but at least clean, plus a little TV on an old sideboard. The window was nice at least, promising morning sunlight. The kitchenette was everything Neil would need. Counter space was limited, but there was a miniature stove top with two coils, flanked by a microwave. It would be enough to prepare food for Connor and cook small dishes for himself. The landlord pointed this out enthusiastically. Now that Connor had stopped crying, the man seemed to have no problem using the child as an effective ploy.

He was right, though. Neil rested a hand on the wallpaper, white with a faint floral pattern, and took in the master bedroom, furnished with a box spring on a basic metal frame and connected to a small but clean bathroom. The tiny closet was still too big for their belongings, and a crib would fit next to the bed. Neil’d had worse. He looked to his son, little face sleeping in the crook of Neil’s shoulder, and felt a tug in his stomach. Connor was peaceful, lips in a pout, tiny chest moving in slow rhythm. Neil knew Connor would cry himself to sleep many more times, and that at some point, there would be nothing Neil could do about it. There was no point in imagining a better life for Connor, one with parents who weren’t Neil, who were ready for a child, who weren’t broken. At least Connor had lost some of the Wesninski resemblance to his mother’s features. Right now the ice-blue eyes he’d inherited from Neil were hidden behind tired eyelids. But Neil didn’t have to see them to know that on Connor’s face, they were beautiful. Determination gripped his heart. Neil was still nothing and no one, but he’d make sure that Connor never thought he was.

“What’s the monthly rent?” Neil asked the landlord, who watched him impatiently. Connor squirmed in his sleep and brought the bit of Neil’s shirt bunched in his tiny hand to his mouth where he sucked it wet.

“650.”

“Didn’t the ad say 550?”

“That was before I knew you had the little fella here. I’m sure your parenting’s marvelous—” Neil rolled his eyes at that one, “but it’s an extra risk. You got a job, kid?”

Neil bit his tongue and conjured up an image of the shitty motel he needed to leave as soon as possible. “I’m applying. Had an interview today.”

“Unemployed,” the man tutted, “makes the first three rents cash then. No parties, no drugs, no loose women. Got that? We’re not fancy, but we keep things respectable around here. Speaking of, is the mama around?” He gave Connor a nod.

Neil sighed, “No, but I’ve got help.” A bit of an exaggeration considering Matt had only just offered to babysit.

“Well, that’s nice of them to raise that kid while you’re pounding the pavement,” the landlord said. He produced a lease and quickly skimmed through the contract. Neil nodded along, signing and initialing. Beggars can’t be choosers, he reminded himself and handed over his driver’s license.

The man squinted at it like he was checking ID for an alcohol purchase.  He whistled low. “Twenty-three is mighty young to be a single father. I don’t know what’s happening to our nation’s morals. No offense.” It was a good thing he had no idea Neil wasn’t really even twenty-one.

Neil shook the landlord’s sweaty hand and it was a done deal. “Good luck to ya,” the landlord called as they headed back to the car. He thought about the apartment as he strapped Connor into his car seat. It wasn’t perfect, but on Monday, they would move in, and then it would be theirs. And maybe it would be the first proper home either of them had ever had.

Chapter Text

Andrew woke to the relentless chirp of whatever godforsaken bird lived in the tree outside his window and an intense headache. The stress of the last few days was wearing on him. He wouldn’t be sad to see Kevin Day return to his own house.

It was barely 7am, but there was no time to congratulate himself on his forthcoming solitude. He had an appointment to keep. No, he wanted to keep it. Maybe Bee could help Andrew push away the feeling of his skin crawling, still lingering since last night’s nightmare, one of a dozen he’d had recently.

The coffee maker in the kitchen was already bubbling when Andrew entered. Kevin sat at the table with a bowl of oats and fruit, eyes still red-rimmed and dark. He didn’t look up when Andrew entered.

“Kevin!”

Kevin startled. “G’morning,” he rasped, languidly putting another spoon of oats into his mouth and chewing.

“Stop with the fucking self-pity, Day. Aren’t you taking him home today? He’ll be fine. He’s Wymack.” The coffee maker beeped and Andrew poured himself and Kevin a mug. “I’m tired of plying you with caffeine.”

“I know,” Kevin muttered, eyes still on his soggy oats, no flavoring to be seen. Andrew should throw Kevin out of his house just for eating the stuff at his countertop. “I’m just afraid they might’ve overlooked something. He’s the only one left, you know?”

Of course Andrew knew. He wasn’t related to Wymack, but the man and his wife Abby had basically adopted Andrew, Aaron and their disaster cousin Nicky, after Nicky had tried his best to raise the twins after their mother’s death. He and Abby had taken them in, not once doubting their decision to add another three kids to feed to their household. They had taken in Kevin two years before the Minyard-Hemmick’s, and after some time, Kevin and Andrew had found a way to co-exist in their own, strange orbit, alternating between enmity and friendship.

Andrew really didn’t know where he would have ended without Wymack. The gruff man had a golden heart, and Andrew knew he wouldn’t have the diner if it weren’t for him. Losing Wymack would be like losing a father. He knew exactly how Kevin felt.

If Andrew had been anyone else, he would have hugged Kevin and given him a pep talk, but that wasn’t Andrew, and he was sure Kevin knew that. Andrew sighed and decided to give himself a good deed to tell Bee about. “You know he’s going to be the same pain in the ass he always is. Better get it together, Kevin. He’s going to kick your ass for moping around instead of working while he was out not having a stroke.”

Kevin let out a small huff. “I work . We’re going to hire that guy. Neil Josten.”

Andrew’s brain shot images of auburn hair and blue eyes at him, a miniature copy squirming in the man’s lap, watching his father with adoration. “Did he accept?”

“He will. I bet he does by tomorrow.”

Andrew snorted, “Tonight.”

“You’re on,” Kevin raised his mug. “He has a kid, though. You saw.”

Andrew nodded

“What’d you think? Well, tell me later. You look like you’re on a mission.”

Andrew finished shotgunning the coffee, though it wasn’t that hard considering it was three parts creamer. “Gotta see Bee.”

Kevin returned to his sad oatmeal, though he looked a bit better. “Have a good session.”

“Save your well wishes for your convalescent father.” Andrew threw on a jacket, opting to ignore the sour look Kevin threw him, and headed for the door. He was late.

~

“Andrew.”

Bee’s voice was a grounding force. Andrew stood on the threshold of her office and waited for her to step aside. He was comfortable here, everything familiar. A shelf of glass figurines arranged just so, the deep red armchair he refused to sit in correctly, the faintest hint of hot chocolate. Two steaming mugs rested on the side table. Bee really was otherworldly. She took her seat across from him and smoothed her long hippie skirt.

“How did you sleep? You look tired.”

“Who wouldn’t look tired with six twelve-hour-shifts a week?” he asked, voice flat.

“Fair point. Why are you working so many hours?”

Andrew waved his hand. “Work’s fine. I don’t mind. It’s Kevin who’s draining me.” He slung a leg over the chair’s arm and reached for his hot chocolate.

“Ah, what exactly is it about Kevin that is draining you?” Bee reclined and took off her glasses to bite on one temple.

Andrew sighed and rubbed his forehead, the old feeling prickling up again in his skin. “He’s been staying with me the last few days. Didn’t like being alone at home with Wymack in the hospital.”

Bee nodded. She knew exactly where Andrew was headed, but she waited for him to share.

“I’ve been having nightmares every night. Sometimes they’re memories. Sometimes I’m chasing Aaron down, trying to kill him. I always wake up feeling like I need to jump out of my skin somehow.” Andrew stopped to drink his hot chocolate. Bee had told him that a pleasant taste or feeling can ground you in the moment, bring you back from racing thoughts. “It doesn’t matter, though. He’s leaving today. Wymack’s coming back from the hospital.”

Bee studied Andrew with her ever-calm expression. “But it does matter. Did you ever consider talking to Kevin about how it feels for you to share your home with him? Not the specific content of the nightmares, but the general uneasiness.”

“No. He hasn’t earned it.”

“Hasn’t earned what?”

“The right to know that kind of thing.”

“Interesting. You do consider Kevin your best friend, right?”

Andrew knew his incredulity had leaked onto his face. “That’s ridiculous, but sure. Who cares if he’s my best friend? Day has the emotional maturity of a week-old bean sprout. He wouldn’t know what to do with that kind of information.”

Bee took that in. “Is there anyone you can trust with that information? Anyone who’s earned it?”

Andrew felt annoyed that Bee had led him here, but he wasn’t going to lie. “You.”

Bee smiled a little. “I’m glad.” She leaned forward and tucked her feet up on the chair. Andrew couldn’t be irritated. It was...nice to see Bee react that way to him. “I always want this to be a place for you to be honest. Can you think of no one else you can share this sort of experience with?”

“I don’t see why it matters.”

“Because it can help to ease your mind. Sometimes we need reassurances for the most obvious things, Andrew. No shame in that.”

Andrew let her words sink in, thinking about what exactly made him feel so jittery at home. It was just— he wasn’t used to someone living in his house. He wasn’t used to sharing his personal space with anyone, something he had built for himself on his own. How was he going to share his issues with someone else? Andrew nodded his understanding, signal enough for Bee to know he would consider it.

“Maybe don’t take the sleeping pills for a while. They can aggravate your vivid dreaming.”

Andrew hummed his acknowledgment and reclined into the chair now that the most exhausting issue had been dealt with.

“What else has been going on?” Bee asked, taking her mug of hot chocolate to her chest and sipping the melted marshmallows from the top.

“Kevin is being a pest because of Wymack and his f— boyfriends .” A small smile flitted across Bee’s face. “The diner is a mess but what’s new? And my call with Aaron went…fine.”

“That sounds really nice, Andrew,” Bee said and smiled. “Do you still feel comfortable in your role as Aaron’s supporter?”

Andrew chewed his lip, thinking about his brother studying medicine and living his dream while Andrew sat in a diner most of the week, watching the same faces stumble in and out, frying fries or pancakes or eggs. Even if he wanted to regret his decision to finance Aaron’s schooling, he couldn’t have. He wouldn’t have known what else to do with his life anyway. “Yes.”

“Good.”

Smile . They sat in silence for a while, sipping hot chocolate and listening to the big clock in the living room.

“Kevin dragged in a stranger, recently. Well, sicced him on Matt, really. Though Matt fucking loved it. He had this little boy in his lap, his son. They were at the diner and he looked so—” Andrew gestured with the hand not holding his hot chocolate.

“Tired?”

“That’s an understatement.”

Bee put on her glasses again and put pen and paper down onto the table. “Someone from out of town?”

“I think so. Trying to work for Kevin, the poor sucker.” He’d have to tell her why this man mattered eventually, so Andrew dove right in. “Anyway, he was so young. Had to be 20, 21. Apparently, the mom’s not around. But at least he looked like he was trying...to be a father. The boy—Aaron told me that Katelyn is pregnant.” Andrew felt a twitch in his hands, suddenly uncomfortable. It wasn’t the fact that his brother was becoming a father, or that it was with Katelyn. It was the thought of Andrew being the baby’s uncle . Soon, there would be someone who needed to be taken care of, who needed a safe world. Andrew didn’t put much stock in blood but the kid was going to be related to him. And he couldn’t ignore it when it had done nothing to him.

“What do you feel, Andrew? Good news?”

“It’s a child , Bee. Aaron’s going to be a father.” He broke to laugh, a habit leftover from darker days of drug-fueled mania. “I’m paying for his studies and he’s out there popping a whole new life into this sick world. It’s not fucking ethical. And now I have to be partly responsible for it.” Andrew felt his shoulders shake. This wasn’t something he could walk away from no matter how strong the urge.

“No one says that this is your responsibility, Andrew. I know that you feel like you need to protect them, and that’s honorable, but you need to take care of you as well. Aaron and Katelyn will find a way into parenthood.”

“I’m not ready to watch them fail.” He broke off. “It’s too hard. And I don’t want their kid to look up to me for anything. I don’t want to be shit to anyone.”

Bee prompted him. “What do you mean? Why not?”

“Everyone else has had the chance to choose whether or not they wanted to deal with me. This is the first person who doesn’t get a choice. I’m not exactly wholesome family member material. I can’t be the one to fail them. I couldn’t take it.” I don’t want to be like them.

~

Neil did hear back soon but from Kevin, rather than Matt. “Congratulations, we’d love to have you as part of our team.” He headed to the trucking headquarters for the requisite paperwork and learned that Kevin was a tall, muscular man with sharp green eyes and a sharper tongue. The other employees at the office smiled at Kevin’s brusque comments so Neil didn’t expect to have any kind of trouble with him.

His first day of driving was an adventure. He may have lied about his license, but he indeed had truck driving skills, a relic from a time when he had run “errands” for his father. Hitting the road in a big orange truck was incredible, making Neil feel for the first time what “the land of the free” really meant.

Matt was his instructor for the first route, Connor sandwiched between the both of them in the cab as Neil was without freight waiting to be delivered.

They watched the landscape and chatted about Matt’s and Dan’s son Josh, the life as a trucker and even slandered about Kevin’s snarky remarks. Matt had meant it when he’d volunteered to watch Connor. The man practically begged Neil to let him and his wife Dan babysit Connor when Neil was out on a route. “At least until you find a daycare,” he said. If Neil hadn’t known better, he’d have said something was off, but in the end, for once, everything was simply good.

Neil went over to Matt’s with Connor the next afternoon to meet Dan. She was funny and sharp, and her love for Matt was evident. Connor was happy in her lap, and she insisted on feeding Neil, too.

What started as a quick visit slowly slipped into a very long evening in an extremely cozy house full of pictures of Dan, Matt, and their friends, even one with Andrew from the Foxhole Diner on New Year’s Eve.

“You’re way too skinny for someone living in close proximity to homemade waffles, red beans and rice,” Dan said when she served dinner, all five of them gathered around the big table in the dining room.

She was right, of course, and Neil didn’t know how to refuse when the meals he cooked himself were hardly much to speak about.

When he eventually entered his apartment that evening, Connor asleep on his chest, he tucked himself and Connor into bed beneath a cozy blanket and knew that he would trust them to take care of his son.

~

Neil took to driving better than he’d anticipated. He liked the scenery, the quiet of the road, the constancy of the engine’s hum. He brought along language-learning CDs to brush up on his skills, but spent most of the rides flipping through the radio for something calming and unobtrusive, interesting enough to let his brain slide into autopilot while the wet, green landscape slipped by. He tried not to let his mind wander too far, and when it did he brought it back to the familiar mix of guilt and worry that formed a Connor-shaped bundle in his heart.

Matt and Dan were great and soon, Neil was visiting with Connor on the weekends and taking home leftovers, happy to be in proximity to the warmth that was the small picture-perfect family, even if he was unsure how to fully take part in it. Connor ran happily through their house, chewing on whatever baby toy they “just happened to pick up” at the store that week. It was on sale, they insisted, really.

He had even settled down in his not fancy but adequate apartment, finding the best sleep in years, knowing that he and Connor were absolutely safe for once, even if nightmares were haunting him from time to time.

And after a few weeks, Neil, suspicious man that he was, felt as comfortable as he could with the arrangement. But he ached for his son when he was gone, the tiny little life that moved him forward, pushed him into this bizarre line of work, had him taking up residence in this sparsely populated swamp of a town.

Sometimes it overwhelmed him, the unbelievability of such a life, that he could be free from his past, that Dan and Matt were kind people who thought Neil’s kid was cute and wanted him over at their house. Then he would take Connor and retreat to their little apartment, read picture books to his son, and soak up all the time he could with just the two of them like this: safe, hidden, secure. But it could only last until the next trip, and then off Connor went to Matt and Dan’s, and off Neil went in his truck, trundling over state lines and back again.

After about eight weeks in Palmetto, Neil could say he had finally arrived. He felt at home.

The diner, where he’d had his interview, was on the way to the carrier headquarters, and Neil found himself stopping there for a bite on the way home every once in a while.

“Grumpy Andrew” turned out to be indeed ever-grumpy, but Neil had the impression that was just how Andrew was. There was no bad intention behind it. Neil was somehow growing fond of the man and his silent way of serving his guests, mostly bustling about with a face so indifferent as if he were bored, but his sweat-damp hair betrayed his expression every single time.

Neil could see that Andrew liked his job, if only in the way he served some sweets for kids visiting with their parents or grandparents, or knew his patrons’ usuals.

From time to time, Kevin stumbled into the diner, clearly pestering Andrew with something he wasn’t interested in at all, but Andrew kept his unyielding patience and listened over a coffee or two to Kevin’s sob stories or complaints about a lack of efficiency “because no one is taking their job seriously anymore, you know?”

For the first time in years, Neil found himself smiling a lot — not because he had to, but because he was enjoying his time, and he was looking forward to eating at the diner tonight after another three-day tour to the Finger Lakes.

The engine of his truck was humming along to the rolling landscape - cows on meadows, crop fields with bales of hay prepared to feed the cattle in the nearing winter, endless heaps of fruit trees — and some folk song was blaring from the radio as Neil finally saw the sign with “Palmetto 30 miles”, making him drive just a little faster in anticipation of a young boy soon rubbing his chubby cheeks against his own.

Above him, the sky was giving a show, the sun, an orange fireball, shooting fire-red rays towards the sky as if earth itself had opened up, lava bleeding into clouds shaped like pink cotton candy.

Neil had never thought that he could be able to love someone, but he was sure now that nothing could ever fill his heart in the same way as Connor’s widening eyes and screeching “Dada” whenever Neil opened the door to Matt’s house after a tour, but at first he would grab some take-away at the Foxhole Diner.

Forty minutes later, Neil took the familiar exit and parked his truck in one of the spacious parking lots designed for all kinds of monstrous vehicles and their drivers who needed a stop for the night or a snack for their endless drives across the country to make sure no shop in the United States would ever run out of supplies. He stretched the stiffness out of his rigid body and jumped out of the cab, inhaling the welcoming scent of gasoline and scuffed tires.

The bright orange glow of the fox sign by the highway bled into the arising night sky like the saving light cone of a lighthouse, guiding the lost ones back into their safe haven.

Neil pushed through the door with a ding-a-ling, the smell of waffles and fried fries wafting through the room, luring Neil towards the counter where a familiar blond was frying a burger patty in his super orange apron.

Considering Andrew a good friend would be exaggerating, but they had chatted here and there about trivia or Connor whenever the boy tagged along, and it was always nice to be around Andrew’s gruffness.

Neil knew that Andrew would turn around in a few seconds because of the resounding bell above the door, but Neil liked to spite him and rang the small bell by the cash till, installed in case no one was at the front to serve.

“I’ve been waiting here for eight seconds. You’re open right? Worst customer service ever,” Neil quipped with a playful smile on his lips, waiting for Andrew to turn around.

“I’d say good customer service has to be earned. Nothing’s given for granted here,” Andrew answered without turning around, but rather assembled his burger and filled the fries into a small fry basket. When the plate was meticulously arranged, Andrew turned on his heels and gazed at Neil, face as unmoved as always, but eyes glistening with mischief.

Neil shrugged and shimmied onto a bar stool, nodding towards the only occupied booth where a young woman was tapping away on her phone. Andrew seemed to have gotten the hint and carried the tray over, asking if something was missing before he made his way back to the counter. He took two cups from a shelf and filled them with coffee, adding a generous amount of creamer to his own and nothing to Neil’s.

“Long tour?” Andrew asked and propped his elbows onto the countertop, leading the steaming mug to his lips.

“Finger Lakes. It’s beautiful up there but it’s so damn far away.” Neil picked up his mug and took a sip of the best coffee in town, letting the warmth spread across his body. “Three days,” he added and listened to his rumbling stomach as he scanned the menu.

Andrew only hummed and snatched the menu from Neil’s hands, setting to work by the stove. “For two?”

“No, I’ll bring some for Matt and Dan,” Neil answered once his stupor faded, and smiled to himself.

Neil usually didn’t eat sugar-soaked pancakes or fries and burgers, so at the beginning, he’d ordered eggs and bacon with toast whenever he ate at the diner. The bacon was mostly leftover and after two weeks, Andrew had replaced it with vegetables, and the toast with whole-grain bread, and whenever Connor came along, Andrew cooked something fresh that wasn’t on the menu - just like tonight. Neil had no idea why Andrew was doing it. It was an unexpected kindness he’d only found in Dan and Matt, yet, who had basically adopted Neil and Connor to their own small family.

Watching Andrew by the stove was incredibly calming, his movements bespeaking practice and routine as he flipped some chicken breasts and mixed freshly cooked pasta with quickly sautéed vegetables. Before Neil knew what exactly was happening, Andrew put down four food containers on the countertop and started putting the pans and pots into the dishwasher.

“Thank you,” Neil said and fumbled his wallet out of his back pocket. “You know what? You should put that on the menu. As a healthy anti-diabetes dish.” Neil chuckled at his own joke and pulled out forty bucks.

“I prefer bringing diabetes, strokes and heart attacks into the world. I’m not doing that for you. You could eat eggs or pancakes all the time.” Andrew wiped his hands off on a kitchen towel tied to his apron and leaned onto the countertop, tapping along on the cash till tablet.

“So you’re just doing it for Connor, but ignoring that you prepared eggs with vegetables and bread for me whenever I came alone?” Neil’s lips pulled into a smirk, challenging Andrew’s still face to crack. It didn’t.

“Obviously, you’re everything that little crab has to hold onto. Don’t wanna see you starved,” Andrew said and shrugged almost imperceptibly.

Neil smiled knowingly and tapped on the money lying in front of him, pushing it towards Andrew who stared at it for a moment and then pushed it back.

“On the house.”

Neil frowned, but tucked the money back into his wallet except for ten bucks that he threw into the fox-shaped kitty. “Do you have kids by the way?” Neil asked as he gathered the containers in his arms.

Andrew refrained from downing his sugar-poisoned concoction, looking at Neil over the rim of his mug. It took him a second to huff and answer with a “No,” before he added, “but my brother will have one soon.”

“Seems like it’ll get a good uncle then,” Neil said and smiled, nodding his head in goodbye, and left towards his truck.

A small boy was waiting for him, and nothing could stop them from spending the rest of the week together.

~

Matt opened the door with his usual enthusiasm and greeted Neil with a big, warm hug before he took the containers from him and made way for Connor who came running to the door with Dan in tow.

“Dadaaaa,” the little boy screeched and practically climbed into Neil’s arms.

Neil’s chest felt like a volcano, incredibly warm and about to erupt from all the love flooding his system. “Con-boy,” he murmured and pressed a kiss into his small auburn curls, looking into his bright blue eyes where he found nothing but excitement and affection. “I missed you, little man. Did you have a good time with Matt and Dan?”

“The best,” Dan chimed in with a big smile, pulling Neil into a hug and pushing him towards the living room.

“I brought food.”

“Oh, what is it?” Matt asked, already opening the containers before Neil could answer. “Chicken and pasta. Damn, that smells good!” Matt chirped, drawing out the “good” much longer than anyone else would.

Neil rearranged Connor in his arms and cradled him against his chest before he took a seat at the table. “Andrew made something special. Just for you,” he said to Connor and bumped his small nose with a finger, making the boy chuckle and squeal. “I missed him so much!”

Dan and Matt were exchanging a look Neil couldn’t make sense of, so he brushed it off and smiled at Dan.

“He missed you, too, but it helped that you called every evening. He slept with Matt and me the first night because he wouldn’t stop crying, but the rest of the time he seemed completely happy to share a room with Josh.” Dan put their food on plates and quickly served some juice, putting Josh and - even against Neil’s silent protest - Connor into the baby-chairs.

Once they were all set, they all dug in, and Neil talked about his trip up north, the Finger Lakes, and his shitty dinner at some highway diner yesterday. Over dessert, Matt and Dan gave a quick recap of everything they had done with Connor like their visit to the zoo and an afternoon at the playground, and of course, they insisted on him staying just a bit longer to look at some pictures they had taken, but Neil didn’t mind at all. For the first time ever, he knew what it meant to have a family.

Chapter Text

“You grabbed my wallet, Day. You’ll bring it back. Period.”

Andrew was infuriated and it wasn’t even noon yet. Kevin had crashed on his sofa last night because of him drowning his problems in alcohol instead of just talking to his boyfriends about their completely superfluous argument. Of course, he had to pocket Andrew’s wallet instead of his own and now Andrew could scratch being on time at the airport to pick up Renee. Not that ever-gracious Renee would mind too much, but Andrew did.

“I’m sorry. They almost look the same."

“If you ever disgrace my wallet like that again, Kevin, I swear—”

“Okay, okay, never again, I swear,” Kevin allayed in a high-pitched voice. Andrew could practically see him raising his hands on the other end of the line.

“You have thirty minutes to bring it back. The last time I saw Renee was two years ago and I don’t intend on waiting any longer because of your drunk ass pocketing the wrong wallet.”

“I really can’t but… hang on!”

Andrew wanted to groan, but also didn’t want to grant Kevin with so many emotions within five minutes, so he waited, listening to the crackling line while petting Sir.

“Andrew?”

“Yes, Kevin.”

“Neil will bring it over. He just came back from his shift and will pick up Connor at Matt’s anyway.”

“Hopefully he made the most out of your dumbassery.” Andrew felt a smile forming on his lips, hoping Josten at least got a day off out of it.

“He does it for free. Because he has morals,” Kevin scoffed.

“Well, if I’m so cruel then how about you crash on your boyfriends’ porch next time.” Andrew could hear how Kevin sputtered, but he hung up before Kevin’s lecture could reach his ears.

Twenty minutes later, the doorbell rang. Andrew pulled on his sweater and opened the door.

“Hey, Andrew,” Neil said and greeted him with his way too warm smile, Connor on his left arm and a black wallet in his right hand. His auburn curls framed his face like a blusterous beacon, making his blue eyes pop out even more. Somehow, Neil was more interesting than he should be.

When Neil had stumbled into his diner for his interview, Andrew could tell even before he went over to take their order that the newcomer was nervous and beautiful and fiercely protective of his child.

That was over three months ago and Andrew had never thought it would lead to him slowly taking up a place in their lives, unable to step in from the outside and remind himself that he wasn’t suitable.

Neil was young, only twenty three years old, and Connor’s mother clearly wasn’t in the picture. “She passed,” was everything Neil had provided. It seemed like whenever Andrew breached Neil’s past, Neil distanced himself and went into flight mode.

“Anduuu,” Connor squealed and squirmed on Neil’s arm, sticking his little arms out towards Andrew with his signature crab-hand move.

Andrew looked at Connor and felt the urge to smile back at that small energy bundle because of his innocence and openly shown fondness for Andrew no adult, except for Renee and Abby, ever expressed. “Hey, lil cub. What’s up?” he said and tried a smile which was rather a grimace. Still better than nothing.

Connor obviously didn’t care at all and just grinned back, squirming in Neil’s arms to gain leverage in his attempt to reach Andrew. Something strange spread in Andrew’s chest.

Connor was tiny and feisty like his father, full of life and laughter and screams. They had been through something, but this tiny boy was so far untouched by whatever had troubled them. Neil had made sure of it, and it all made Andrew only fall more for the troubled walking conundrum that is Neil Josten.

Andrew was drawn to Neil and Connor, and he had an excuse to be near them, right? Kevin had asked Andrew to keep an eye on Neil. There was something fishy going on there, he’d insisted, and Andrew had been thankful for the excuse to watch Neil.

Of course, Andrew had little to report aside from Neil’s intentional evasion when it came to talking about his life before Palmetto. Neil was fiery and protective, and strangely unused to others doing kind things for him. Kevin had eventually decided that Neil might be strange, but ultimately the man was harmless and generally uninteresting.

Andrew couldn’t agree with the final assessment. He liked to wave Neil off when he went to pay for his coffee to watch him squirm. When Matt Boyd had offered to babysit Connor while Neil was out driving, insisting that Dan would watch the little boy when they were both gone, Neil had been shocked into silence behind the bar.

He liked to sit at the booth with Neil and Connor when they came in on weekend mornings and poke fun at the young man for his lack of fashion sense, telling Neil he was raising Connor to dress like a failed 90’s skater.

“At least I’m not teaching him to get a heat stroke wearing all black in the South Carolina summer,” Neil had retorted. That comment had resulted in a moratorium on Neil’s free coffee which ended a few days later when Neil came in with Connor looking a bit haggard and claiming that teething was a stage of development crafted by Satan himself. It was Neil’s sass that made him incredibly irresistible, and the worst part was, Neil didn’t even know how alluring he was.

“Seems like he likes you just as much as Matt. He’s usually a bit wary of men and others in general,” Neil interrupted Andrew’s train of thoughts and stroked back a heap of curls, that was falling into Connor’s eyes.

An awkward silence engulfed the porch, so Andrew stepped aside and let Neil in. Didn’t he want to get Renee? He pushed the thought aside and walked over to the percolator, pouring them two coffees.

Luckily he always stored some juice in the fridge. After a quick check with Neil if juice was okay, he poured some into Connor’s empty sippy cup dangling from Neil’s fingers, all to Connor’s delight when he started suckling.

“So you’re Kevin’s underling now?” Andrew asked and propped his hips against the kitchen counter.

Neil broke into laughter and shook his head, his bangs bobbing along. Was he recognizing Andrew’s gaze?

“I only said yes because I could make him beg in the office in front of all the others. That was sufficiently satisfying.”

“I hope Boyd recorded that.”

“He did indeed,” Neil said with a huff and let Connor down. The toddler immediately made his way to Sir’s scratcher and tried to climb up. It was… fascinating. In a strange way. Having a kid in his house left Andrew with a tight feeling in his chest.

Andrew nodded in Connor’s direction and raised an eyebrow, making Neil swivel around and grab Connor’s arm just at the precise moment before he would have tumbled down.

“Thanks,” Neil said, clearly stomaching his shock.

“No bother,” Andrew replied and thought about lighting a cigarette, but refrained because of the kid. “So, I gotta head off to the airport,” Andrew added and put his mug into the dishwasher.

“Oh, sorry,” Neil said and started chewing on his lower lip, which made Andrew wonder what would have happened if he had planned to spend time with him instead. Why did he agree to pick Renee up again? Right, because she was one of his two only friends.

“You have a nice house,” Neil said as he looked around and picked up Connor, walking back towards the front door. “You’re living alone here?”

“Yes.”

“Lots of space for one.”

“My brother comes over. Sometimes. And Kevin.”

Neil cocked his head for a moment and then, he nodded. “I see. Well, Connor. If I take more of these day-long trips, we’ll have one of these houses one day. How does that sound?”

Stupid , Andrew wanted to say. You shouldn’t have to miss time with your kid for that , he wanted to add. My house is bigger than necessary , he wanted to confess. He said nothing.

Neil bumped Connor’s tiny nose with his own, making the little boy scrunch his face and babble. Andrew really should go. Instead, he made the dumbest move he could have gone for.

“Kevin and his boyfriends are staying here this weekend. My friend Renee as well. If you’re any good in the kitchen, which I don’t really believe, but you deserve a chance, you and the lil raccoon here could— It’s dinner.”

Neil seemed dumbfounded. It obviously took a second for him to realize that Andrew had just invited him and Connor to his friends’ dinner without any reason. At least it seemed so. When he looked at Neil, Andrew could have named a lot of reasons why he wanted him in his house.

“Sure, I mean— I can’t stay too long, but yes. I mean I’m absolutely no good in the kitchen if that is a requirement,” Neil said and laughed, looking too hot in his insecure fumbling for words.

“Friday, 7pm.”

“Friday, 7pm,” Neil repeated and smiled stepping out of the door, walking towards his car where he waved and disappeared into the street.

Hopefully Renee wouldn’t be too mad at the 45-minute delay.

~

Neil knocked at exactly 7pm, having pulled into Andrew’s driveway a few minutes earlier and letting Connor run around the front yard for a few minutes. Andrew had seen them from the window, watching their interaction for a moment. When he opened the door, he was greeted by Connor throwing his arms out to him, screeching “Andu”. Neil handed him over automatically, flashing Andrew a smile.

“Hey,” Neil greeted him, “I hope I’m not late.”

“You’re right on time,” Andrew replied, giving Connor his hand to chew on. “Everyone else is annoyingly early.”

Andrew led Neil into the dining room where the rest of the group was hanging out. Jean and Jeremy said their respectives hellos, then Renee introduced herself. Connor clung tighter to Andrew when he saw how many new people were in the room. Andrew looked around the room for something to interest him, and eventually pointed at the cat sleeping peacefully on a chair.

“Look Connor, what’s that?”

“Meow meow,” Connor replied, reaching for Sir.

Andrew put him down and watched him toddle over to the cat. Luckily he couldn't quite reach her, but that didn’t stop him from trying while repeatedly meowing at her. He looked to Neil for approval to climb on the chair and didn’t bother paying attention when Neil shook his head no. Andrew thought about how he would be a handful when he’s older if he continued to blatantly disregard rules like that, which left him with a strange feeling in his chest. It wasn’t exactly his place to think about the young boy growing into adolescence, especially since he wouldn’t witness it anyway. 

Jeremy was the closest one to him, so he put his hand out to stop Connor. Connor looked up at him, then ran to hide behind Neil’s legs.

“You’ve just made a mortal enemy, my dear,” Jean teased him.

Jeremy pouted, “I just didn’t want him to get hurt.”

Kevin laughed and patted his back, “Don’t worry, Babe, you’ll win him over eventually.”

Andrew shooed the cat off the chair, cursing himself for inviting Connor over without having anywhere for him to sit at the table. He directed the lot on what to grab, making it a group effort. Each of his guests helped set the table while Andrew and Neil carried the food over. Neil hissed as he burned his hand on the hot casserole, clumsily fiddling with the oven gloves. A few seconds later, he seemed to have realized his own clumsiness and started laughing, cooling his hand under running water. Andrew definitely didn’t smirk.

Jeremy, Kevin, and Jean took up one side at the table, while Renee, Andrew, and Neil took up the other. Andrew had made a three cheese baked penne, with juicy corn on the cob and perfectly done chicken breast. Renee was on a vegetarian diet, so the chicken was separate, but Andrew swore it tasted better when it was baked with the pasta.

Connor started out the dinner in Neil’s lap, but climbed over into Andrew’s a few minutes later when he seemed to realize that Andrew let him play with his food. He sat there, stabbing a piece of pasta with a fork repeatedly and laughed. 

As they ate, Jean asked about Neil’s time in Europe, asking if he had spent any time in France.

“Actually, I’ve driven through a lot of countries, but I’ve never stayed quite long. A few days, maybe,” Neil admitted and shrugged, munching on his pasta, but Andrew didn’t miss the nervous twitch of Neil’s fingers. He showed off his language skills, throwing out a few phrases in French and German with terrible accents.

“Typical American accent, even when you speak another language,” Jean mocked, sipping his wine in a terribly arrogant French manner. Andrew could see what Kevin saw in him and Jean in Kevin.

“My accent is bad?” Neil questioned in faux indignation. “I’ve heard Kevin on the phone, his French accent is questionable at best.”

“Hey!” Kevin complained and pouted, only stopping as Jeremy granted him a kiss.

Jean patted his shoulder, “At least Kevin tries. You can’t even say that.”

Neil snorted, “It’s not like I get much practice around here.”

Jean opened his mouth to comment, probably about dedication to practicing, when Renee cut him off.

She asked about how school was going for all three of them, leading to a long talk about their goals in life and what they wanted to do once they finished studying. Jean, Jeremy, and Kevin talked about both their joint goals and their solo goals.

Andrew didn’t pay much attention, he was thinking about his own life goals, mainly taking care of Aaron, Katelyn, and their soon to be kid. He had never really wanted anything in his life, had learned that wanting nothing meant not getting hurt since he couldn’t lose something he didn’t have in the first place. Over the past few weeks though, a nagging voice had nestled in his mind, eliciting pictures of a life with Neil and Connor in it. He would be lying to himself if he denied waking up sometimes and imagining a set of blue eyes staring back at him from the other side of the mattress, but Andrew wasn’t stupid and quickly blinked the images away whenever they bubbled up.

Neil mentioned wanting to make a proper home for Connor, and the whole table awed and said that it was admirable.

Connor dropped his head onto Andrew’s shoulder, plopping his thumb into his mouth. Andrew patted his back, swaying slightly from side to side, and ignoring the broody look on Jeremy’s face.

“I think it’s probably time to go,” Neil said, pushing his chair back, “thank you all for having us.”

Andrew carried Connor out to the car and put him in his carseat. He cried when Andrew set him down, but settled quickly after Andrew ran a finger down his nose a few times. His eyes dipped closed slowly a few times, then he was out.

“Oh you’re a baby whisperer,” Neil said as he placed Connor’s diaper bag on the floorboard, “I’ll have to remember that.”

Andrew raised an eyebrow at him.

“Really though, thanks for having us over. We don’t get out much.”

Andrew held out his hand, and Neil looked at him like Andrew was crazy, but shook it anyway. “Then you should get out more often,” Andrew said and added, “Good night.” He wasn’t missing the touch. Absolutely fucking not.

“Good night,” Neil replied, looking confused.

As Andrew walked into the house, he chastised himself for being the most awkward person in the world. Who offered a handshake to someone they saw regularly and have had over to their house twice? Neil seemed to really work his way into Andrew’s system. He wanted to forget the interaction, but knew about the attempt’s futility. It would be burned into his mind forever.

Chapter Text

Andrew had always promised himself he wouldn’t end up in this situation.

It wasn’t that he didn’t like kids. He did, actually. They were strange and honest. Kids didn’t look away, didn’t pretend someone wasn’t there because they were too strange or sad to face. But Andrew’s own rough childhood and tendency to communicate with brutal honesty and sarcasm rendered him somewhat unsuitable to play a major role in the life of a child.

Andrew had a therapist, a good one, but that didn’t mean he was ready to be involved with a kid. And then, Aaron had come and announced Katelyn’s pregnancy, and suddenly Andrew was going to be an uncle. They weren’t close, but Aaron couldn’t hide his pride and excitement behind the usual casual distance. “We can try again, you know?” A brief reference to their respectively troubled upbringings, their mending relationship, and general lack of what might be considered a proper family.

Andrew had immediately begun plotting how to best support the child without imparting any of his issues — Bee wanted to work on this, but so far he had refused — and concluded that distance was his best strategy, the best way he could protect the kid that would inevitably enter his life.

But then Neil Josten had walked through the door of Andrew’s diner with a miniature version of himself in tow, all bright auburn hair and gem-blue eyes, and Andrew was a goner. He couldn’t deny that deep down his interest in Neil went farther than he would ever allow himself to admit.

Neil was Andrew’s weakness, and Connor soon took his place next to his father on that list. Andrew liked to avoid weaknesses generally speaking, but he didn’t do anything to stop the pair from coming into the diner, nor did he stop himself from imagining what it would be like to be a part of their lives when Neil had stood in Andrew’s kitchen and failed miserably at pulling out a casserole. Being more than just a spectator and a familiar face behind the bar would be too much to ask for, so Andrew would take what he could get. He was hooked, a fish happy to die on the lure.

Andrew made sure he was always on shift when Neil came in from a long haul and needed to rest and regain some energy before picking up his son. He was there on Saturday and Sunday mornings, so that even if Neil and Connor just dropped by to say “hi,” Andrew would see them.

Connor had taken to Andrew almost immediately. The first time Neil had passed the little boy over to him, Connor had settled comfortably in Andrew’s lap and reached for his face with a four-tooth smile. Connor was especially fond of pinching Andrew’s cheeks, and soon Andrew was pinching Connor’s back to the toddler’s immense delight.

Connor was also fond of playing with the black armbands Andrew wore every day, grabbing onto the hem and rubbing them between his little fingers, and giving them a few exploratory tugs.

“Connor, buddy, cut it out,” Neil had whispered when he first noticed the little boy pulling at the fabric and giggling with delight when it snapped back.

“Don’t worry about it,” Andrew had insisted. Connor was only playing with the ends of the fabric. Plus, it was comforting in a strange way to see the symbol for so much of Andrew’s past trauma be turned into an everyday object of wonder. He preferred it that way. And anything dangerous in his armbands was sheathed and difficult to access except by Andrew himself. Andrew had told Bee about Connor and his armband revelation, and her returning smile had been quietly proud.

“Maybe he’s good for you,” she had suggested.

“Maybe,” Andrew had agreed.

“Maybe you’re good for each other.”

Andrew had changed the subject.

He was the guy who owned the diner, who supplied Neil with coffee. He couldn’t be anything more than that to Neil, just a quiet, gruff man that Connor strangely tolerated. He was convenient, a part of the Palmetto scenery. That was fine.

Andrew was good at supporting from a distance, at control. He had learned long ago to not have hopes. It was better this way. Neil couldn’t visit the diner on a regular basis forever. He would move or change his routine or find a significant other who would insist on making him breakfast, who would be in Connor’s life forever. The more detached Andrew was, the better. He was stupid, but he wasn’t that stupid.

That didn’t stop Andrew from wondering where Neil was after a few days of absence. It was nine, a full hour past the time Neil and Connor usually made their appearance on weekends. They hadn’t come in yesterday, but that wasn’t so odd. Sometimes Neil preferred to hide away at their apartment the day after a tour. What was odd was them missing a weekend visit entirely. Neil liked to bring Connor to the diner on the weekends to see the regulars the little boy had befriended, often accompanied by some combination of Matt, Dan, and Kevin.

Andrew already considered calling Neil when he eventually walked in at noon. Instead of taking his usual seat, a booth near the door, he plopped himself down on a bar stool at the counter. It was clear that Neil only made a brief attempt at brushing his hair out before giving up, though this ruffled version of Neil’s auburn locks wasn’t unattractive. Neil’s expression was grim, however. Andrew went straight to him and stood on the opposite side of the counter, silently demanding to know what was going on. Neil didn’t owe Andrew that information, so he said nothing and poured Neil a big coffee.

Neil sighed, “I knew it was going to be hard, and things could be so much worse,” he paused, and Andrew watched a quick series of emotions move through Neil’s face.

“Long time no see,” Andrew said and arranged some fruit on a crêpe, pushing the plate over the counter to Neil.

“Connor was sick and I missed a whole week of work. Our place is so small and I’m barely paying the rent. I need to take on these extra shifts, but I can’t ask Matt and Dan to keep watching Connor for free. I looked up some local babysitters but they charge a fortune and I don’t—” Neil sighed again and raked his hands through his hair, tugging on the strands between his fingers, “I don’t like the idea of a stranger with Connor.”

Andrew knew a good friend should tell Neil that it was okay to be nervous about introducing a stranger into Connor’s life, but that it was bound to happen eventually. Maybe suggest somewhere to get a sitter recommendation and tell Neil to try to get to know the sitter first.

“I’ll watch him,” is what he said instead.

“What? How?”

Andrew had rarely heard so much disbelief bleed into a voice. “I do hire other employees to work here, you know,” Andrew said with faux exasperation. After his last talk to Bee about another six-day-seventy-two-hour week, Andrew had hired Robin, a young student who had proved themself to be trustworthy, but how could Neil know? Andrew had set his hours to match Neil’s habits from the moment they’d met. He decided to be annoyed with himself later.

“You would do that? Like, for real?”

Andrew just raised his eyebrows. He couldn’t take Neil like this, half startled rabbit, half overcome with relief. The man worked hard enough to be a good father. He didn’t need extra stress, Andrew reasoned to himself, and Andrew was in a position to alleviate it.

“That would be amazing, you know? I mean, Connor loves you. Are you sure?”

Andrew would do anything to make sure that Neil and Connor were okay, he realized, anything to be near them as long as he could. Maybe, it wouldn’t be his smartest move. He didn’t care at all.

“Yes. Just tell me what you need.”

~

Neil had. He had slipped into a typical parent monologue about Connor’s needs and daily plan, his favorite toys, his favorite food, his nap times — in short: everything Andrew would have guessed, but listened to nonetheless to reassure Neil that Andrew was suitable for that task, although he didn’t really believe that himself.

Andrew would do anything to protect and take care of his family: his brother Aaron, their rambunctious cousin Nicky and his husband Erik, even Kevin, who was no blood relation but counted all the same. Family made sense to Andrew. Not the ones you were born with necessarily, but the ones you chose.

Even when Kevin was a surly son of a bitch, Andrew would watch out for him. Aaron had met his wife Katelyn all on his own and Nicky had no trouble attracting groups of new friends. It used to bother Andrew when they made friends with other people, but as long as they understood that family was on a different level, he didn’t mind.

Andrew wasn’t so big on the friends thing. It had taken him a long time to warm up to Matt and Dan, though he saw them often enough. Even his family had a hard time understanding him, so finding a friend was immensely difficult. Except for Renee. Her upbringing wasn’t so different from Andrew’s. They’d made friends quickly years ago, and although Renee was always away doing some kind of goody-goody diplomat work, when she came back it was like she was never gone.

Now Renee sat across from Andrew on the floor. They took up opposite corners of a big blanket Andrew had laid out with Connor’s favorite toys for the little boy to play on. He crawled around and gave the toys an experimental shake, screeched, and then moved on to the next.

Renee had been watching Andrew interact with Connor carefully. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust him. And even though she was well aware of Andrew’s hesitancy when it came to being in a kid’s life, she trusted Andrew to know when he was okay. And he was okay now, more than okay, and that was the problem.

Watching Connor had gone really well so far. The little guy had happily munched on the Cheerios and applesauce Andrew fed him for lunch, only throwing a few handfuls in delight. His afternoon nap was fast approaching, and though Andrew watched carefully for signs of crankiness, none had yet appeared.

Andrew didn’t want to admit it, but he was a bit surprised everything had gone so well. Neil had dropped Connor off the night before so he didn’t wake Andrew or Connor up too early that morning. Both, father and son, had cried at the parting. Well, Neil’s eyes had watered as he said goodbye to his son. Connor had just plain out bawled as his dad walked away. But once Andrew calmed him down, Connor had remembered that Andrew was one of his favorite people and that sitting on Andrew’s lap and curling onto his chest was a very comfortable way to fall asleep. Andrew had taken the time Connor had been asleep to think back to Neil’s departure. It was stupid, but he couldn’t help but feel his heart ache a bit as Neil left.

This morning had been pleasant, and Renee had just arrived to catch up with Andrew. He knew she was thinking something but keeping it to herself, and the waiting was driving him crazy. Whatever it was, Andrew wanted to hear it. He didn’t always agree with her, but Renee understood Andrew on a level no one else did, and Andrew always took time to mull over whatever she had to say to him.

He walked a stuffed duck around the blanket until Connor’s chubby hands wrapped around the toy and brought it to his mouth, just to imitate quacks full-throatedly a second later. Then Andrew looked Renee head on. “What is it?”

Renee hummed and cocked her head, looking back and forth between Andrew and Connor. “I don’t know. It’s just…so unexpected. Seeing you like this.”

Andrew grunted. “Like what?”

She tucked a pastel lock of hair behind her ear and rearranged her legs so she could bend down next to Connor. “So...invested? So willing? I can tell that Connor and Neil mean something to you.”

Andrew looked down. He was, admittedly, not as subtle as he’d like to be. He shrugged, knowing Renee would see right through that. “They need the help. I can give it to them. And it’s good—” he paused “to see a parent-child relationship like theirs. It makes me feel better about Aaron.”

Renee nodded. “And what about Neil’s pretty face? Does that make you feel better about Aaron, too?”

Andrew snorted and threw a nearby pillow at his friend. Renee was grinning devilishly, quite pleased with herself. He sighed. “Yes, yes, he’s very pretty.”

“And now you’re babysitting his little fella.”

“So are Matt and Dan,” Andrew said.

“Matt and Dan already have each other.”

“They’re just two big-hearted fucks who don’t know when to stop taking care of everyone around them.”

Renee reached a finger toward Connor and wiggled it in the air. The little boy grabbed at it, gurgling and spitting. “Sounds like someone else I know,” she cooed, then raised a sharp glance to Andrew.

“Oh please, I don’t ask everyone I know over and ask to sit their kids and make them meals and practically invite them to live with me.”

“Maybe not, but you do take care of everyone around you.”

“Not everyone,” Andrew said darkly. “I’m particular.”

“Perhaps.” Renee remained silent for a while and then added, “You did?”

“What?”

“Ask them to live with you.” She couldn’t hide a grin.

“No, Renee, I didn’t tell Neil clueless Josten to take his child and move in with some random diner-owner,” Andrew scoffed and huffed.

Renee didn’t comment further, just held out her fingers until Connor’s tiny hands grabbed and squeezed.

Andrew sat in thought a few minutes, not wanting to ask for a clarification, but unwilling to let it go. “Fine. What’s your point?”

“My point is, if you want to be a part of someone’s life, it’s not always a bad idea to tell them.”

Andrew scoffed. “Yeah, great idea, Renee.  I wonder what would be holding me back from doing that? Oh yeah I can think of a few examples of it going badly in the past.”

Renee shook her halo of pastel and blonde hair around her. “Do you really think Neil is the same as the people who hurt you in the past?”

“No,” Andrew said firmly, and tried to articulate his hangup. “I think that I’m marked by those experiences, and that Neil has a hard enough time without some ex-juvie diner-owner interfering in his life. I can help him sometimes. Like I am right now. If that’s enough for Neil, then it’s enough for me.”

“For now.”

And then Andrew decided he was done with this conversation. “Isn’t there something in your life we can talk about? I’m sure there’s some pesky way I could bother you.” He brought his hand to the side of his head like he was having a revelation. “Oh wait, that’s right, there is! When are you and Allison going to make it an official thing? Still haven’t moved in there?”

Renee turned beet red and Andrew cackled. “How you liking your own medicine?”

They both laughed, and they both knew that Andrew would be thinking about what Renee said whether he wanted to or not. Connor joined in, hooting and waving a plastic set of keys in the air. All in all, it was a good day.

~

Andrew startled awake, his eyes flitting to the alarm clock on his nightstand. It flashed 2:30am, and Andrew couldn’t deny that he felt like it. Sobs and screams were taking turns at coming through the baby monitor’s speaker, raising Andrew’s hackles.

Despite every objection in his heavy limbs, he rolled around and out of his bed to walk into the guest room where Connor was bawling in the crib Andrew had quickly bought a few days after he had offered to babysit the boy. Kevin had helped him set it up which had dramatically ended in them both getting drunk at midnight after an hour-long bicker.

Foreseeing that the ceiling light would probably give both him and the kid a century-long headache, he stumbled his way through the room to the wall lamp and was greeted by a red-eyed, sobbing Connor latching onto the crib’s bars on wobbly legs. The pacifier was still in his mouth, which was kind of a miracle, considering the cries that left this tiny throat.

“Hey, Shrieky,” Andrew rasped and lifted Connor to his chest, pushing back the damp bangs falling into the little boy’s face. “You know how to shout a house down, you know?”

Connor was still shrieking, clutching at Andrew’s chest — which he only just realized was bare, having forgotten to put on a shirt in the hustle. He pushed all worries about that aside for now and rocked the kid softly, carrying him downstairs into the kitchen.

The close skin contact seemed to work wonders as the sobs subsided quickly while Andrew reheated a bottle of tea. When he’d read Neil’s “Nightmare Emergency Plan”, he asked Neil three times in a row if tea was really something to feed a toddler, which made Neil only frown and ask “Why not?” in an incredulous tone, followed by “My mom gave it to me all the time.” Andrew hadn’t been completely convinced, but in the end, Connor was Neil’s child. It was the research Andrew had done that day which convinced him that cow milk indeed wasn’t good for a kid’s digestion and kidneys.

Once the tea reached the right temperature, Andrew settled in the comfy armchair in the living room and wrapped a blanket around himself and Connor, watching him suck the tea. His hooded eyes blinked sleepily at Andrew, one hand clasped around the bottle and the other still fisted onto Andrew’s skin.

“Nightmare? Or did you dream of your daddy and realize he’s hitting the road with his truck again?” Andrew started rambling, stroking Connor’s reddened cheek with his calloused finger. The boy let his eyes fall shut and his sucking frequency dropped, so Andrew decided to go on. “I’m sure he’s missing you just as much as you miss him. Maybe he’s driving right now or just asleep in his small cab, but who cares because he’s even smaller.” Andrew huffed to himself and watched the movement of Connor’s eyes behind his lids. “Tomorrow afternoon he’ll be back and we’ll make sure he’ll get some good welcome home pasta, how do you like that, lil Shrieky? Good idea, yeah? I’d say so, too.”

Andrew cradled Connor closer to his chest and replaced the tea bottle with the pacifier once Connor stopped sucking for half a minute. He propped his own head against the headrest and closed his eyes, listening to Connor’s sucking, feeling his breathing against his chest. He hadn’t felt the urge to protect someone with all his life since Aaron, but right at that moment, he knew it was back. And this time, he wouldn’t protect only one, but two.

Chapter Text

Neil came to pick up Connor the next afternoon, looking exhausted but thrilled to have his son back.

“Thank you so much, Andrew,” Neil said as he rubbed his face into Connor’s disheveled curls.

“Of course,” was all Andrew could get out. He stood very still as Neil kissed Connor all over his little face. Connor had shrieked and screamed as soon as Andrew opened the door to reveal Neil, already leaning out of Andrew’s arms to be held by his father. Something warm bloomed in Andrew’s chest and he at once hated it and wanted to feel it again and again.

When Connor had settled down, Neil asked after the visit. How did it go? Was Connor good? Any trouble? Andrew assured him nothing out of the ordinary had happened and relaxed a bit more.

“Did you have your vegetables?” Neil cooed at Connor and grimaced, snuggling Connor’s cheek with his nose. He pressed his lips to the tender skin and blew, making the kid laugh excitedly. “Did he have his vegetables?” Neil asked Andrew, still smiling. Andrew thought to himself that the room temperature had just gone up.

“Absofuckinglutely not, but we shared a pint of chocolate-mint ice cream and I’m totally on his side.”

Neil only huffed and shook his head, kissing Connor’s cheek. “What else did I expect?” Neil said in a dramatic voice, but smiled anyway.

Andrew didn’t bother keeping Neil there with extra talk. The man looked exhausted. He handed him a container with homemade pasta and ragout and sent him off with a “You should go sleep.” Not his smoothest.

Neil smiled a bit. “You’re right, of course.” Connor gave a huge yawn, cementing the point. “I really owe you, Andrew. I don’t have much, but let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

“Just your loyal patronage at the Foxhole Diner.” God, he was so lame. “The customers like the kid. Wakes them up a bit.”

“Especially when Connor starts screaming. I bet your other patrons love that.”

“They’re just jealous they can’t let it out, too.”

Neil snorted at that and Andrew figured it wasn’t a total loss of a joke.

“I…like seeing him. Both of you.” Wow, Renee was going to absolutely crush him for being lame. 

Neil grinned. “It’s a nice place. We like it, too.”

Ah, yes. The Foxhole Diner, Andrew’s greatest achievement in life. That tracked.

“We should go,” Neil said. “Say goodbye, Connor.”

Connor looked momentarily confused, then waved a chubby arm at Andrew lethargically. “Bye bye, Andu.”

“See ya, little crab,” Andrew answered, a bit of a smile edging up his face.

And then they were gone. Andrew busied himself with boring business owner tasks, and went over the inventory, what he needed to order soon. The cat emerged from his room where she had been napping and wound round his legs. The house felt empty nonetheless.

~

Nothing could bring Neil as much delight as waking up in his bed and looking at Connor’s sleepy face resting on the pillow next to him, absolutely peaceful while his red locks scattered in all directions like a raging beacon.

Neil stretched his stiff body and climbed out of the box-spring as quietly as possible, watching the toddler attentively for signs of squirming that didn’t show. Sleep-drugged, he trudged into the tiny bathroom and stepped under the shower, flushing the remnants of a very peaceful sleep down the drain before he changed into comfy briefs and ambled toward the small kitchenette to brew fresh coffee and make some breakfast for Connor.

Now that he knew Connor was in the best hands while Neil was hitting the road, his sleep slowly turned into something uneventful. Sometimes, it even brought some relaxation, making Neil experience what sleep was meant to be like in the first place.

He certainly still got riddled with nightmares from time to time, but they lessened and sometimes even got replaced by much sweeter ones, including his newly found friends. If a certain blond seemed to appear in them more often lately, Neil didn’t give it a second thought.

Andrew had become a constant in Connor’s and Neil’s life. Both enjoyed their regular visits at the Foxhole and Neil found himself laughing about Andrew’s deadpan remarks more and more. Neil couldn’t deny that this somewhat grumpy man was slowly growing on him, although he still couldn’t pinpoint the feeling settling in his chest whenever he saw Andrew. It was a mixture of fuzzy warmth, a feeling of safety and shelter — it was new.

A languid, whiny “Dadaa” pulled Neil out of his thoughts, having him grab the two plates and cups with juice and pacing into the bedroom. Connor was tangled in the sheets, wailing in a futile attempt to kick the cloth away. Neil set the plates on the nightstand and untangled his son from the sheets, tickling his belly to brighten his mood.

“I’m here,” Neil whispered and stroked Connor’s damp hair back, recognizing the heat and beads of sweat on his little forehead. He frowned, but maybe Connor was just overheated from the weekend’s heatwave. “Sometimes I think Andrew could be your dad, lil’ man. You’re just as grumpy as him at times.” Neil chuckled and lifted Connor into his lap, handing him his sippy cup.

Connor spat his pacifier out and sucked juice from his cup, eyes still falling shut every once in a while. “Egg,” the boy mumbled and reached his crabby hands out to the plates, big eyes gazing at Neil. “Anduu!”

“Oh yeah, I bet Andrew’s eggs are much better than mine, but we wanna hope these meet your requirements as well, Sir,” Neil mocked in his best British posh accent and took Connor’s plate from the stand. He observed Connor’s fumbling with his spork, more egg landing on the plate than in his mouth. It elicited a crinkle of frustration on the tot’s face that had Neil laughing.

Neil turned the TV on, which he had moved to the bedroom a while ago. On the tube was a cartoon that had Connor lured in within a heartbeat, his blue eyes fixated on the screen. He leaned his still hot head against Neil’s bare chest, the spork abandoned and replaced by tiny fingers stuffing egg into his mouth with eagerness.

Whenever Neil had gotten in a situation where his chest was on display, he had felt an incredible discomfort, seeing the marred landscape that wrapped his frame like patchwork. Even the night he had begotten his son, Neil had insisted on keeping his shirt on. Connor’s birth had changed that in a way. The small bundle pressed to his chest had lifted all anxiety and discomfort, had let Neil forget torture and pain for a moment to focus on the little life he had created. This tiny baby, eyes closed, skin flushed with a deep pink — suddenly, Neil had had a reason to stay alive. Alas, Aubrey hadn’t lived long enough to see their personal miracle grow up. The thought was painful, and Neil shook his head as if all his bad memories of a cleaver, blood and agony would just fall out of his mind like rotten fruit falling from a wind-shaken tree in autumn.

The eggs weren’t bad; they were the best Neil had made so far. Connor’s breathing was a bit labored but all in all even; it almost lulled Neil back into a doze. Connor’s eyes got heavy again, too, so Neil allowed himself to just live in the moment. With his head propped against the headrest, he realized that for the first time in his life, he felt complete. Almost. And in a way he knew he wasn’t the only one who wouldn’t mind a third plate on the nightstand.

~

Andrew hadn’t expected Neil to ask him to sit Connor again so soon, but the next week, Neil was back at the counter, no Connor in tow. It had been a few days since Andrew had seen them both, not that he was counting. He figured Neil wanted a little space after the sitting, or maybe he was busy taking Connor around to his other admirers.

He would have ignored the ringing phone in favor of greeting Neil immediately, but the display flashed Aaron’s number, which meant something had happened. Something he couldn’t ignore.

He answered the phone just to hear Aaron’s “ God, finally!” and a sigh of relief.

“What’s wrong?” Andrew cut to the chase, listening to his twin’s laboured breathing.

“I- We- Katelyn. Fuck!”

Andrew still didn’t think of himself as uncle material, but he felt a lump forming in his throat. What if anything was wrong with the kid? What if anything was wrong with Katelyn?

“Aaron. Just tell me.”

“They’ll be like us, Andrew. They’ll be twins. Shit!”

Oh.

“We can’t do this, Andrew. We fucking can’t do this. We don’t know how to make ends meet now. How can we provide for two kids? Two, Andrew. Twins!”

“I’m not hard of hearing, Aaron. So what?”

“We’re—” , Aaron was fumbling for words, Andrew could hear his hesitancy, “we’re thinking about an abortion. We just can’t provi—”

“Stop that! Now!” Andrew cut his brother’s nonsense off, which he knew Aaron would never produce in a clear state of mind. “You’ll ban that thought now, and you’ll ban it forever. You aren’t alone in this.”

He could hear a sob coming through the line, followed by a hiccup. Hearing his brother cry wasn’t a novelty, but it hadn’t happened in years.

“We can’t do this to them, you know? And we can’t do this to you. You did enough and— ”

“Cut the bullshit. You’re not alone. We’ll fix that, okay? You’ll be a doctor in a few years and you’ll provide for your family, you hear that?” Andrew already sighed internally at the prospect of all the years of extra hard work to make enough for five, but he knew he couldn’t let him down. Plus, he had some money left from his mother’s life insurance. They would make it. They always did.

The line fell silent for a few seconds, and then, Aaron exhaled loudly. “You sure?”

“You know me. I promise.” It was another weight lifted onto his shoulders, but for his family, Andrew would do it any day. Also, if Neil could provide for his child as a young single father, Andrew could at least give being an uncle a shot.

“Andrew?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you. You know you don’t have to, right? I mean— What about you? Do you always want to work in that diner to pay off my debts, stay single and grow into some gruff cat pops?”

Aaron huffed. Andrew almost did, too. “That’s still my decision to make.” Aaron said nothing. Goodbyes were always awkward between them. “I gotta head back to work. Talk to you later.”

“Oh, yeah. Talk to you later. Thank you.” Aaron was still in the line, but said nothing for a few seconds before he added, “Love you.”

Oh, how he had to call Bee later. Andrew didn’t give a reply. He didn’t have to. The line was dead and the world kept spinning.

He turned around to face Neil, whom he had almost forgotten, and forced his face into indifference.

“Neil,” Andrew said and approached him.

“Hey, Andrew.” Neil looked embarrassed and fidgeted. “Trouble?”

“The usual. What is it?”

“I need to ask a favor again. I took a few days off of work to take care of Connor. He had a bout of something, I honestly don’t even know what. Some kind of baby cold that apparently everyone gets.” Neil rolled his eyes and sighed. “Anyway, I need to make up the hours. Do you think you could watch Connor for a few nights this weekend?”

“Sure. When?”

Neil looked relieved. “Oh, God, thanks. I’m going to head out late Friday morning and come back Monday.”

“Yep.” Andrew would rearrange the employee schedule later.

“You’re a lifesaver,” Neil said and hunched over his food, relieved.

Andrew scoffed. “Want some eggs, junkie?”

Neil nodded gratefully. Andrew expected him to move back to the booth, but when he returned with the plate, Neil was watching him from the bar stool. Andrew sat the plate down and raised an eyebrow.

“Nothing. I just don’t deserve you all,” Neil said, “You and Matt and Dan and Wymack…Kevin I probably do deserve.” He chuckled and Andrew huffed air out through his nostrils.

“Don’t be stupid. It’s not about ‘deserving,’ Josten.”

Neil shoveled eggs into his mouth and cocked his head, waiting for an explanation.

The bell on the front door rang and a new pair of customers entered the store. “Just eat your eggs and be grateful in silence,” Andrew said, then set down his towel and walked to seat the couple, not missing Neil’s smile.

~

Andrew became a regular part of Connor’s sitting rotation. Neil had almost learned how not to look guilty when asking for help, and Andrew insisted he wouldn’t listen to Neil’s apologies. He didn’t have the time. It helped that he insisted Neil and Connor continue to make appearances at the diner. Neil liked having some way of paying Andrew back, and Andrew liked knowing that he could count on seeing the two come in on a regular basis. Andrew was satisfied, as he told Renee and Bee when they butted in to ask. He got to keep an eye on them, got to help out with Connor, but wasn’t in danger of getting too close to them.

Bee looked disappointed when he laid out this rationale. Andrew hadn’t spelled it out for Renee as such, but he knew that she could tell exactly how he was justifying this arrangement to himself.

Andrew’s inclusion in Connor’s life brought with it a few unexpected additions. He soon began fielding more invitations to Matt and Dan’s for dinners and cookouts. He couldn’t accept them, though. He knew Neil had been the one to suggest Andrew be invited. Matt and Dan had given up on Andrew making social appearances years ago. They knew he only socialized with Kevin. If Andrew took them up on their invitations, he’d have to answer questions about his personal life; Matt and Dan loved gossip almost as much as they loved having people over at their place. Seeing Neil like that…it was dangerously close to accepting Neil as a part of Andrew’s day to day life.

Then one day Neil walked in and called him out.

He and Connor had taken up their usual booth. Andrew headed over and was preparing to ask if they were going to get their usual, but Neil spoke first.

“Hey Andrew, are you coming over to Matt and Dan’s this weekend?”

“This weekend? No.”

Neil shifted Connor to his other leg and the little boy waved a chubby hand at Andrew. “Andu,” he gurgled.

Andrew lifted Connor into his arms and stroke his cheek, handing him his towel to play with.

“You busy?” Neil asked, but Andrew could read the mischief behind his expression.

“Someone has to take care of the diner.”

“What about those other workers you mention but I hardly ever see? Surely they want some hours,” Neil tested.

Andrew sighed and dropped his pad and paper to his sides. “There’s only one and they are fine,” Andrew answered. “If they wanted more hours, I’d give them to them.”

“Right,” Neil said and took Connor back onto his knee. He looked unsatisfied. Andrew waited and was rewarded a few seconds later. “I bet Connor would like to see you, though.”

Andrew grunted.

“Maybe just this once? It would be nice to have you there when Connor gets overwhelmed. I don’t know how you calm him as quickly as you do.”

Andrew thought about it. “Fine,” he said and walked away without waiting to see Neil’s reaction. Neil and Connor would get their usual and be happy with it. It was the least they could do. The others were never going to let him live this down. 

Chapter Text

Having a reputation to maintain, Andrew decided not to arrive on time. He knew Neil wouldn’t come until after Connor woke up from his afternoon nap, which meant he had a good part of the day to kill before he had to be there.

First, he puttered around the diner doing paperwork and filing time sheets all morning. It never failed to surprise him just how much office work went into owning a restaurant and Andrew had to admit that it was the worst part, even if his customers could be a pain in the ass at times. He had to run it like a business and not a hobby, firstly because he had to provide for so many people relying on him, and secondly because he had to fill his own stomach from time to time as well.

Robin came into the back office and shoved him out the door an hour before he had planned to leave. For such a gentle looking person they really knew how to boss him around. He only let them get away with it because they knew how to do their job better than anyone he had hired before, and because he knew they were right about his tendency to overwork himself. It seemed like all the people in his life had jumped on that train recently. First Bee, then Renee, and now Robin was telling him to cool it with the 12 hours days.

He ended up pulling into the Wilds-Boyd driveway just as Neil was unloading his car. He parked at the end of the pavement perpendicular to the other cars, blocking them all in. Neil smiled and waved at him while Andrew climbed out and watched as Neil picked Connor out of his car seat. Connor reached for him and patted his cheek as soon as he was close enough.

“That’s his new thing,” Neil said, shifting the tot from one hip to the other, “I have no idea where he got it from.”

Neil reached into the trunk to grab something and only narrowly avoided dropping Connor and hitting his head when Connor twisted around in his arms.

“Here, let me,” Andrew said, stepping forward to grab whatever it was he was looking for.

“Oh sure,” Neil said, handing him the child instead, “thanks.”

Andrew and Connor looked at each other confused while Neil dove back into the trunk. After a few moments, and even more frustrated grunts, Neil stood up straight, carrying a diaper bag in one hand and a thoroughly abused melon in the other.

“I don’t know why I thought putting a round cantaloupe in an almost empty trunk would be a good idea,” he said, blushing.

The added color to his cheeks made his eyes look even brighter than they normally did. Andrew had to force himself to look away so he wouldn’t fall into a weird stare. He added the detail to his mental picture of Neil, wondering what else could bring out the color of his eyes. Connor patting his chest and babbling startled him out of his thoughts.

“Let’s go in,” he said, moving toward the door, “we’re already fashionably late.”

Matt threw the door open as Neil raised his hand to knock. “Neil’s here! Dan, Neil’s here!”

Dan appeared behind him carrying her own little one. “I know, I think the whole neighborhood knows now as well.”

Matt pouted at the humorous stab in the back, but pulled Neil into a hug anyway, restricting himself to a gentle stroke to Connor’s cheek since he sat in Andrew’s arms. If Boyd thought his look at the sight of the tot in Andrew’s arm maintained below radar, he was fucking wrong.

Dan led them through the house to the nicely decorated backyard. One good thing about living in the south was that even in mid-October the temperature hit 80 degrees. The bad thing was that Andrew’s shirt was already sweat-soaked and stuck to his body like a second skin, while a bunch of mosquitoes that seemed to have recognized their dinner in the form of Andrew’s blood had finally arrived.

Neil and Matt stayed in the house to sort out the melon, leaving Andrew with Dan and two toddlers in the garden with an uncomfortable silence billowing among them.

Dan set her son down and let him run off into the grass, so Andrew copied her, setting Connor down on the ground. Instead of running off to play, Connor stood next to him with his hand on Andrew’s thigh.

“You can go play,” Andrew said looking down at him.

“Oh it’s fine,” Dan said, “he always does this for a few minutes when he gets here. He’ll hang out by an adult for a while then run off and play like nothing happened.”

Andrew looked at her and raised an eyebrow. “He doesn’t do that at my house.”

Connor looked up at him and started babbling loudly. His eyebrows drew together making him look very serious, while he pointed toward the yard. Andrew knelt down next to him and nodded along.

“Is that so?” He said when Connor paused to take a breath.

Connor nodded and continued his speech. When he was done he patted Andrew’s knee, smiling at him brightly. He ran off to play just as Matt opened the screen door.

The best part of the day should have been that Andrew didn’t have to cook, but then Matt all but begged him to man the grill until he gave in. He took up his stance with the meat while Dan chilled in a lawn chair and Matt crawled around in the grass chasing after the two children.

Neil walked over to the barbecue, looking significantly more relaxed than he normally did. The tension in his shoulders was gone and he had a lightness to his step Andrew hadn’t seen before. Andrew realized that Neil for the first time seemed settled, all flight rinsed out of his system and replaced by a sense of belonging. He was happy being with these people.

Neil tried to make himself useful by handing Andrew everything he needed and organizing everything around the grill. The whole process would have been a lot smoother if Andrew had gotten to work by himself, but he liked having Neil near him and didn’t have the heart to tell him he was making things more difficult with his unnecessary rearranging of sauces and cutlery.

“How do you know when it’s done?” Neil asked, looking over his shoulder.

“That depends on how you like your steak,” Andrew said.

“Oh like rare, medium rare, well done?”

Andrew closed the lid to the grill and took a step back, “Exactly.”

Andrew explained to him how to tell when a steak was done regardless. Neil nodded along, clearly trying to pay attention.

“Okay, so what I’m getting out of this is that I should leave the cooking to you,” Neil said when he was done and chuckled.

Andrew rolled his eyes, but felt a small smile tug at his lips nonetheless.“If you wanna sate Big Baby Boyd then that is probably the best option.”

When the steaks and chicken were done, Neil carried the plates over to the table, finally making himself actually useful. While he was cooking, Matt and Dan had set the table and brought out all the other food they had made. It looked like they were set to feed an army, not a bunch of adults and two small children.

Dan strapped the kids into their high chairs while Matt started dishing up baby sized plates of finger foods for them. Dan looked over to Neil and Andrew sitting at the table with empty plates.

“Feel free to serve yourself,” she said.

“Thanks,” said Neil, “this looks amazing.”

Neil started serving himself salad and potato salad, then held his hand out for Andrew’s plate. Andrew handed him his plate and watched as Neil loaded it up with as much food as he had on his own. Once he had his plate back, Andrew plopped a steak onto it, then turned and put one on Neil’s as well. The teamwork was easier than passing the serving dishes back and forth, Andrew thought. He noticed Matt and Dan doing something similar and chose not to read too much into it. He couldn’t deny though that it made his chest tight and that he hadn’t shared this much intimacy and familiarity with someone in a long time.

A few minutes into the meal, Andrew heard a commotion in the house. A moment later the sliding door opened. Jean, Jeremy, and Kevin walked through, holding a six pack of craft beer each.

“Sorry we’re late,” Kevin said, leading the group through the door.

“You’re not too late,” Dan said smiling, “we just had to get started feeding the babies.”

“Hey,” Jeremy said, leaning down to hug Dan, “we have a little surprise for you.”

The three stepped to the side revealing Renee and her now-girlfriend Allison. Dan jumped up and ran to hug her.

“How long have you been in town?” she asked, grinning widely.

“Just got in. That’s why we’re late, there was a two hour delay,” Allison replied.

Dan jumped and hugged her again. “Ahhh I missed you so much! Oh my god. Allison! You haven’t met Neil!”

Neil looked up from feeding Connor a bite of chicken and held out his free hand to her. She shook it enthusiastically, looking him over.

“Hey, I’m Neil,” he waved toward Connor, “and this is my son Connor.”

“Awww, hello,” Allison said, giving him her flawless smile, “I’ve heard about Connor and his hot dad. Allison Reynolds.”

Andrew watched as Neil’s face turned bright red and his eyes widened in shock. He doesn’t know, Andrew thought. Neil didn’t realize how hot he is and it only made it worse. Andrew took a moment to process that information and stow it away.

The new group pulled chairs out of the house and added them to the patio set until everyone had a seat. Renee took up the open spot next to Andrew, shooting him a knowing look. He wasn’t sure what exactly the look was for, but he was sure she’d tell him soon enough and he at least had an idea about it that he didn’t like at all.

Once all the plates were loaded with food and the craft beers were handed out, the table quieted down as everyone started to eat. Neil didn’t take a beer, which Andrew assumed was because he had a child to get home safely, until Matt called him out on it.

“Neil, Buddy,” Matt said grinning, “drink with us.”

Neil looked up from his child. “I have to drive home.”

“One drink won’t hurt,” Allison chimed in, “plus you’re not leaving for a few hours. It’ll be out of your system by then.”

“I’d prefer not to,” Neil said and resumed overseeing Connor’s attempts at eating with cutlery.

Matt pointed his bottle at Neil to say something, but Andrew cut him off. “He said no. Let it slide, Boyd.”

“Okay, okay,” Matt raised his hands in surrender and Neil threw a thankful glance at Andrew.

Dan changed the subject, asking Allison about her latest travels. The topic turned from that to Renee’s next humanitarian project, then to how Jean, Jeremy, and Kevin liked their new classes. Neil stayed out of the conversation, only adding things in when someone addressed him directly.

Andrew watched him from the corner of his eye for a while, noticing that the tension had crept back into Neil’s body, having him rigid in his seat and much less talkative than usual. Large groups seemed to make him uncomfortable. Oh, how Andrew understood him. At the dinner a few weeks ago, Neil had seemed more relaxed and willing to participate. Renee tried to speak for him a few times, but having Andrew and Connor between them with multiple other conversations going on meant it always failed.

“So Neil,” Jean said as the plates were being cleared away, “tell me, what is it like to work for my dearest Kevin?”

“Oh, he's such a delight, you know? He never gets stressed,” Neil said with a glint of mischief in his eye.

Jean laughed, “Is that so?”

“He’s very attentive,” Neil said more honestly, “but he can be a bit overbearing at times.”

“Ahh yes, that sounds more like him,” Jean said and laughed.

Andrew thought that to be a bit of an understatement. Kevin tended to crave control when he got stressed, and he was always stressed. However, since he had begun dating Jean and Jeremy, he had mellowed out a bit.

The sunset signaled it was time to start heading inside, so Neil put a pin in the conversation and grabbed the remaining food bowl, trailing into the kitchen. Andrew followed empty-handed because he didn’t particularly want to help right now. He had dealt with the barbeque. One good deed a day seemed to be enough.

The group settled in the living room, where there were not enough chairs and too many people. Andrew locked eyes with Renee and she nodded at him. They both knew he wasn’t good with small crowded spaces, so Renee stood up and patted his shoulder.

“Good night, Andrew. It was good to see you again.”

“Is Andrew leaving?” Jeremy asked, and stood up, offering Andrew a hug which he denied. Jeremy smiled at him nonetheless. “Always good to see you outside of a kitchen, man! Have a good night.”

The rest of the group called out their goodbyes and he was finally free to leave. He walked out to his car and lit up a cigarette, leaning on the door. The smoke relaxed him quickly, settling into his bones. The habit wasn’t the crutch it used to be, but it still had a hold on him in a way nothing else ever did. As he smoked, he thought over the events of the night, examining every interaction.

He was just thinking about Neil standing next to him at the grill when Neil himself walked out the front door with his kid sleeping on his shoulder. Neil looked up at him and paused, slightly startled.

“I didn’t realize you were still here,” he said as he dug through his pocket for his car keys. Andrew held up his cigarette and waved it at him. “Ah okay, that makes sense. Hey, could you get the door for me?”

Andrew ground the cigarette out with his boot before he headed over to Neil’s tragedy of a car and opened the door. He arranged the baby seat and strapped it to the car seat so Neil only needed to settle Connor into it.

“Hey thanks!” Neil said as he strapped Connor in, “I always forget to do that when I get him out.”

Andrew tapped the top of the car twice. “No problem, good night.”

He made it all the way to his car, with his hand on the door handle before Neil spoke up again.

“Thanks for coming tonight, by the way. I know you didn’t want to,” Neil said.

He waited for Neil to say something else, but he didn’t. Andrew got in his car and started it, turning off the air conditioner as it blasted cold air in his face. Neil waved to him as he pulled out of the drive and earned himself a two-finger salute back.

As Andrew lay in his bed that night, he was wondering if Neil was just being polite or if he really enjoyed Andrew’s company. The breeze from the open window rushed over his body, making up for the sticky heat he had endured all day. All of a sudden, a realization hit him. For the first time in an eternity, Andrew wanted something. He wanted Neil’s motive to be the latter.

Chapter Text

The past two weeks had been exhausting. Neil had worked some extra long tours to make more money. He had started to save for a new apartment last month, since his neighbors were loud enough to startle Connor out of his sleep on a regular basis and deprived Neil of the little sleep he had been getting as a trucker, survivor and single dad.

On top of that, the small brown stain he had discovered on his ceiling a week after moving in had spread and turned into some kind of mold. Neil knew he had lived under worse conditions in his life and the apartment was still better than the one or other bathroom stall he had slept in with his son cradled to his chest, but he wanted to give Connor the best home possible, and his apartment didn’t meet the requirements to be called that anymore.

When he woke up on Friday morning, an hour after his alarm should have woken him, Neil knew something was off. Rain pattered against the windows, sounding like a rockfall. Neil stirred to seek Connor’s face in the crib, and recognized how the sheets clung to his sweat-soaked body. His head was pounding as if a whole football team had decided to make his forehead their new training ground, and his throat felt like a bunch of razor blades had settled there.

Heavy-lidded and dizzy, Neil made his way over to the crib to pick up Connor whose head was burning hot, his chest heaving heavily, breathing labored. His hand held the pacifier in a fierce grip, and even the movement couldn’t wake him. Neil was much more worried about Connor’s health than his own and didn’t hesitate a second. He slipped into a new set of clothes and wrapped his son into his baby bedroll, taking him to the car in a heartbeat.

On his way to the doctor, Neil called the forwarder’s office, explaining to Wymack why he needed to take another day off. Wymack understood his misery, but didn’t hold back about how unfortunate the situation was, since he had banked on Neil making the tour to New York. Luckily, Matt offered to sub for Neil, but the money he and Connor needed would go down the drain.

The waiting room was full of mothers and their little ones, kids whining and toys clanking and everything much too loud, loud, loud. On top of it all, the other kids’ bawling and whining had Connor chiming in after a few minutes and Neil’s throbbing head on the edge of bursting by the time they could finally enter the doctor’s office.

“Mr. Josten. Connor,” a woman in her fifties greeted them, shaking Neil’s hand and Connor’s little foot which poked out of the now open bedroll. “How can I help you?”

“I woke up and he was hot,” Neil rasped and coughed, his head shattering. “He was whiny yesterday, but he ate and drank, but now he’s hot and he didn’t even really wake up when I lifted him out of the crib and—” Neil was about to lose himself in gibble-gabble and a panic attack, feeling like he had already failed as a parent when the doctor interrupted him.

“Mr. Josten, please, tone it down. We’ll do the examination and then see what we can do, alright?” She offered Neil a smile and took Connor from his arms, laying him down on her examination table with the colourful parrot mobile dangling over Connor’s head that grabbed the boy’s attention in the blink of an eye.

“Yes,” Neil mumbled and rubbed his stubbly face, eyes red and nose congested. He fumbled for a handkerchief, rummaging around in the diaper bag, and blew his nose, feeling worse than the night after a bullet had hit him in the shoulder as a teenager.

“It started yesterday?”

Neil hummed in acknowledgment, observing the doctor’s examination.

“Diarrhea, vomiting?”

“No, not that I know of. I— I’ve been hitting the road all week. I’m a trucker. He was with friends, so maybe I should ask them if—”

“It’s okay. I’ll prescribe some antibiotics to avoid a superinfection. He needs bed rest and fever medicine. Best to feed him tea and broth, but the freshly cooked kind, not the canned, convenience store stuff. Can I take a look at you, Mr. Josten? The little fella here will be up and about again in about ten days.”

“I’m fine.”

“I beg to differ, but the decision is yours.”

Neil sighed and nodded, letting her examine him. She prescribed him an antibiotic and antifebrile as well and squeezed Connor’s little calf in farewell.

Neil accepted Connor back into his arms and thanked the doctor, shaking her hand enthusiastically. Once he held the prescription in his hands, he drove off to a pharmacy, buying everything he needed for Connor and some additional over-the-counter stuff for himself.

The apartment was warm and a welcome shelter from the storm raging outside. Neil put Connor into his box-spring and called Wymack again to tell him he would try to find someone to sit Connor, but that he should be back at work tomorrow. Wymack only snorted, but told Neil he had a small tour to Atlanta and Neil agreed immediately.

With aching limbs and heavy eyes, Neil laid down next to Connor and called Matt and Dan, asking if Dan could watch Connor tomorrow while he made his tour. Of course Dan agreed — she was a lifesaver.

Connor started crying and Neil wanted nothing but to chime in and never get up again, and so he did, letting all anger and fear out with every sob shaking his chest until sleep pulled him under.

~

On Sunday, Neil woke up and was convinced he was dead. His body hurt, he couldn’t breathe and the ray of light filtering through the curtains hurt like a bunch of needles piercing into his eyes. He squinted and found a sniveling Connor cuddled up against him, fists gripping the fabric of Neil’s damp shirt. If the antibiotics did anything to Neil’s system, it was causing even more pain — to his stomach.

He had vomited all night and had eventually fallen asleep at four in the morning, just to be woken fifteen minutes later by Connor’s whimpers, which only subsided around 5:30 am. They had both collapsed into the pillows and fallen asleep immediately after that.

Neil tried to sit up without waking Connor, trotting into the bathroom just to quickly shower the sweat off and get into new sweatpants and a hoodie. He was shivering, but also incredibly hungry. They had nothing left in the fridge and after Dan had taken care of Connor yesterday, it was Neil’s turn to get some broth for the boy.

He didn’t need to call Wymack to call in sick. On his way from Atlanta back to Palmetto, Neil had felt dizzy and tired. Luckily no one had gotten hurt in the fender bender as Neil veered off the road and crashed into the guardrail, but Wymack had been immensely pissed. Not because of the truck, but because Neil had risked his life for a tour, potentially bereaving Connor of his dad. Even Kevin had thrown a scolding glare at him for that.

Neil had left the office with the reminder to not show up at work until he was fully recovered. That he was missing two paychecks was Neil’s smallest problem at the moment.

He woke Connor and brushed his hair, wiping his sweaty face with a washcloth. Connor started crying and wheezing again, his nose running and eyes red-rimmed.

“Hey, my boy. Does it hurt? Yeah, I know it’s awful,” Neil mumbled and dressed Connor in warm pajamas before he carried him down to the car. Of course Connor didn’t stop crying, but rather fell into a full tantrum. “Hopefully Andrew has some soup for you,” Neil told more to himself than to Connor as he started the engine and drove the ten minutes to the diner with a wailing child in the back, praying to a god he didn’t believe in.

Neil pushed through the front door, missing the smell of pancakes and bacon due to his congested nose. Their favorite booth was vacant and Andrew was working the stove. It felt like coming home.

Neil settled on the soft vinyl-covered bench and balanced Connor on his leg, humming “This Is The Way The Ladies Ride”, bouncing the toddler on his knees. A memory crept into his mind and carried Neil back to when he was six years old.

Neil had listened in on one of his father’s conversations. The moment he’d seen Neil, he grabbed the iron off the board and pressed it to his shoulder, leaving him crying and screaming. His mother hadn’t even made a sound, but pressed Neil to her chest and carried him upstairs into his bedroom. The pain was scorching and Neil was sure he’d never felt this much pain before. Sitting on Mary’s lap, crying and screaming, she wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed his back against her chest, gently bouncing him on her knee to “This Is The Way The Ladies Ride”. Neil hadn’t even recognized she had pressed a cooling pack to his burn.

On days like today, he missed his mother terribly, but she was gone and so was Aubrey and so was everyone from his old life except for Stuart. And now he had to be the one to make a happy memory for the little life in his lap.

It was all too much, too overwhelming. Neil felt his arms tingling and his chest going tight. His vision blurred and his shoulders started shaking. And then, he couldn’t fight back any longer. The first drop landed on Connor, the second in his lap and suddenly a trickle crept down his cheek, hot tears falling down accompanied by a few muffled sobs and hiccups.

Connor’s hands patted his cheeks and wiped the tears away, his blue eyes searching Neil’s. “Dadaaa,” he said languidly, and hugged Neil tightly as if he wanted to squeeze all horror and fear out of Neil’s body. Great. His son had to comfort him. He really was nothing but a failure.

A warm hand to his neck had him snapping back into the moment. As he looked up, he saw Andrew with a small frown on his face — the most expressive face Neil had ever seen on him.

“Hey,” Andrew said and crouched down, gripping Neil’s chin between thumb and index finger. “What’s wrong?”

Neil blushed at the realization that he had lost all control in Andrew’s diner, and now the man saw him crying. With the sleeve of his pullover, Neil wiped his nose and pressed Connor to his chest, raking his trembling fingers through his curls. “Nothing. I—I’m fine,” Neil muttered and buried his face in Connor’s neck.

“Don’t bullshit me, Josten. Now.” A million emotions seemed to bleed from Andrew’s voice, his tone harsh and soft at once.

Neil looked at him. If he didn’t know better, he’d say Andrew was worried. Maybe he was. All Neil knew was Andrew wouldn’t let him get away with a lie. He sighed and told him everything.

“Connor is sick and I have the flu, too, and yesterday I went to work because we need the money and then I crashed the truck into a guardrail. Now, I will miss two paychecks, won’t be able to pay the damn rent for an apartment with neighbors who are constantly about to either kill each other or lay each other and all I can think of is how much of a failure I am as a father to a kid I never fucking wanted in the first place, Andrew, but whom I love more than anything else.” Neil was panting and another trickle of tears made its way down his face as he sighed and let his head fall down.

“Neil,” Andrew said and repeated, “Neil, look at me.”

It took Neil a moment to gather the strength to face the person whose ears were the first to hear the confession that Neil hadn’t wanted this kid. “I mean— That’s not what I meant to say, you know? I do want him. I love him more than myself. I would do anything for him, but that’s just not how my life was supposed to be. I wasn’t meant to be a father. No man of my family should ever be a father, god damn.”

“Neil, stop that.” Andrew settled on the opposite bench and took Connor into his lap, rubbing circles into his back. “We mostly don’t get what we want. That’s life. Your parents were shit heads? Well, so were mine and Aaron’s. Just because they failed, doesn’t mean you have to, too. Whatever happened to his mom or you, no matter how he came into this shitty world — what counts is that you make a difference, and you do! This little crab here,” Andrew took Connor’s arms and clapped his tiny hands, “loves you. You do everything you can to make his life a better one. And a shitty parent wouldn’t do that. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about. You,” he pointed at Neil’s chest, “you, Neil Josten, are no shit parent. You are a great father and maybe you might fail at times, but most of the time you don’t.”

Andrew pressed his lips into a thin line and turned Connor in his lap, having the boy facing him. He squeezed his chubby cheeks and wiped a finger over his nose, making Connor squeal. “You’re gonna go home now and pack a bag for you and lil’ cub here. I’ll pick you up in an hour and then you’ll stay at my house. No discussion, Josten,” Andrew said to stifle Neil’s weak attempt at a protest, and got up. “I’ll bring broth and you will sleep. You look like the walking dead.” Andrew huffed and ferried Connor over to Neil, ruffling his hair. Then he walked back to the counter and made a call, leaving Neil to himself.

And Neil? Neil composed himself, got up and into his car. He had a bag to pack.

Chapter Text

Back at his apartment, Neil started to pack a bag for him and Connor. It turned out that in addition to needing to go grocery shopping, he also needed to do laundry. Connor had three clean pairs of pajamas, and one clean outfit, while Neil himself only had an extra shirt. He threw the clean clothes into the diaper bag, then dug out his duffel from under the bed and upended the laundry basket inside of it. Connor cried on the bed while Neil tried to pack their stuff which resulted in Neil eventually losing all patience and only packing the clothes, medicine, and toothbrushes and grabbing his baby.

“Shh shh, Con, I’m done now,” Neil calmed him, patting Connor’s hair and holding him close. “All done baby. I’m right here.”

He settled against the headboard and swayed side to side until Connor’s sniffling subsided. Neil made a mental list of the things Andrew already had, like diapers and food, and made a list of the things he needed to bring. Connor fell asleep on him after a few minutes, but experience told him he had to wait at least five more before trying to move him, so he leaned his head back and waited. 

A knock on the door startled him, his jumpiness making Connor cry. Neil rolled his eyes, looked at the clock and realized he must have dozed off as well. Connor clung to his chest like a koala as Neil got up and made his way to unlock the door, opening quickly to avoid Connor getting a feeling of lost comfort. 

“Good morning,” Andrew said, and looked around the small living room with suspicion written on his face before he stepped in and Neil flipped him off behind Connor’s back for the condescending glance. Neil went to the bedroom to grab the bags, but Andrew followed close behind him. Before Neil could even shift Connor around to grab their stuff, Andrew had it already shouldered, making his buff body stand out even more. Neil swallowed to wet his suddenly dry throat.

“Medicine?” Andrew asked as he situated the diaper bag strap over his shoulder. Neil nodded yes. “Toothbrush?”

“Medicine, toothbrushes, and what little clean clothes we have are in the diaper bag. It’s supposed to be laundry day so the duffle is filled with our dirty clothes.” Neil looked around the room searching for anything he may have missed. He dug through the bedding in search of the most important item. “Con Con, where’s your blanket? Oh, here it is.”

Neil handed the toddler his soft fluffy blanket, which Connor hung onto for dear life. He realized Connor didn’t have his pacifier and sighed. Normally they were only for sleeping or when Connor was extremely upset, but Neil knew how comforting they were for him and that Neil and Andrew would both be very grateful for having it around later. He slid past Andrew to get to his dresser where he dug through the top drawer until he found what he was looking for. He tore the package open and popped one of the pacifiers in his own mouth before handing it over to his son.  

He caught Andrew eyeing him. “What? It’s the easiest way to clean them.”

Andrew didn’t comment, shook his head and led the two out to his car. He opened the passenger door and set the bags in, forcing Neil to take the backseat with the baby. It was a good idea, Neil thought, because Connor would probably freak out otherwise. Neil set Connor down in his seat, then buckled himself in while Connor screamed. When he realized that Neil was staying with him in the back he settled down enough to be strapped in. Armed with his new pacifier, blanket, and his father’s hand, Connor fell asleep in the car, but not without another screaming session beforehand, of course. 

When they pulled into Andrew’s driveway, Andrew carefully extracted Connor from his seat, managing not to wake him, while Neil went ahead to unlock the door. It wasn’t the first time Neil marveled at Andrew’s incredible gentleness with Connor despite his ever-gruffness towards every other human being in his vicinity. 

Neil couldn’t help it. He stopped in the doorway admiring the house he was going to stay in for the next couple days until Andrew shoved past him and went up the stairs. At the top he turned and motioned for Neil to follow. 

First he took Neil to the nursery. It held a simple dresser, rocking chair, crib and a single bed. Even as simple as it was, with no decorations or toys, it was still more than Neil had managed to provide for his son so far. Neil felt guilty and hopeful all at once as he watched Andrew lay his son down in the crib, gently buffering his head with a hand as he bedded him on the pillow. Andrew pointed out where the clothes and diapers were, then led Neil to another room.  

The guest room held a plush queen sized bed with a TV on the dresser across from it. Neil looked around the room and imagined a life where he could have a bedroom like that while Connor had his own space next door, and swore to himself to do everything within his power to provide something like that for his son one day. 

“My bedroom is the double doors at the end of the hall, the bathroom is across from Connor’s door, the weight room is the door across the hall, and the laundry room is the single door at the top of the stairs.” Andrew pointed at him with a stern look on his face, the closest to mad Neil had ever seen him. “Connor is sleeping. Stay here and take a nap.”

Neil sat on the edge of the bed and sighed. “I need to do laundry while he’s asleep. And he’s due for another dose of Motrin and Tylenol in an hour. He has to get them on time because we need to keep his fever down. He’s still a baby and if his fever gets too high he could have a seizure.”

By the time he finished talking, Neil could barely understand himself. He was breathing fast and hard, unable to slow down. Andrew walked over, put his hand on his head, and gently shoved it down. The action forced him to focus on catching his breath, while the touch grounded him. 

“I know what to do, and if I have any questions I’ll call the advice nurse.” Andrew loosened his grip enough that Neil could sit up and look him in the eye. “You can’t take care of him by yourself when you’re sick. Lay down, take a nap. You trust me with him while you’re away, you can trust me with him while you sleep.”

Neil tried to argue, and they went back and forth for a moment, but ultimately Andrew was right and Neil knew it. He rested his head on the pillow, just to relax for a moment, and was out before he had a chance to think about it.   

~

Andrew got to work unloading the groceries and the boy’s bags from the car, before he started a load of laundry. He put the clothes through a sanitization cycle to ensure they were germ-free as Connor’s body fought off whatever he had. Looking through the diaper bag, Andrew found the medications. Once the laundry was well on its way, he headed downstairs and carefully read all the care instructions for both, Connor and Neil, reminding himself that he only did it because Connor needed Neil. It all seemed fairly straight forward, he thought. The hardest part was going to be getting Neil to settle down and rest for the recommended amount of time.  

Connor either had a sixth sense for time, or was starting to feel worse because the baby monitor in the kitchen started crackling with his whines as Andrew was getting the medicine ready for him. Neil had mentioned how clingy Connor was, so after changing his diaper and rocking him for a few minutes, Andrew strapped him onto his chest with the baby carrier and went to go back downstairs. 

The poor kid must have really been feeling terrible because he swallowed everything down like it was the best thing his taste buds had ever come in contact with. Andrew fed him some soup and a few noodles while he was willing to eat and watched Connor pop the pacifier back into his mouth once he was done. He grabbed two handfuls of Andrew’s shirt while he rested his head on his shoulder, sucking at his pacifier while his eyes fluttered shut. Andrew refused to think about how nice it felt, instead focusing on the fact that he would be able to feel the fever come back, or any other problems Connor may have.

As he carried the toddler around, rocking up and down in his step, he thought about how he soon would see Aaron like this, a kid strapped to his chest and another strapped to Katelyn’s. Andrew knew that Aaron would lose his mind the moment Katelyn popped the little beings into the world, but he also knew that Aaron would do anything to be the best father people like him and Andrew could be. Bee’s voice popped up in his head, one question resounding in his mind: Could you imagine being a father, Andrew? You know it doesn’t have to be a biological one, but I think you finally found something to live for in Neil and his son. 

Of course Andrew had pushed away Bee’s innuendos, had explained to her that he wasn’t any good with kids, that he never got to keep what was good and that Neil wasn’t interested in something like a relationship anyway. Plus, Andrew Minyard didn’t do boyfriends. Bee had given him a pointed look and let it slide, but he knew she would fall back on it sooner rather than later.

When Neil hadn’t woken up by the time dinner was ready, Andrew took a Gatorade and some medicine up to his room. He was peacefully sleeping, looking slightly angelic, and Andrew resisted brushing a curl out of his face. 

Once he was sure Neil was out for the night, he ran a bath for Connor and managed to clean him without any crying. He debated laying Connor next to Neil, but he wasn’t sure if Neil would wake up if the baby needed him, so he got ready for bed and settled in the nursery with Connor. 

Normally he would have taken Connor downstairs, but he wanted to make sure Neil could find them quickly if he woke up in the middle of the night. 

Andrew barely slept throughout the night. Between waking up at 11pm, 3am, and 7am to give Connor medicine, and waking up again every time Connor moved, he was not well rested. A tiny hand patting his face woke him up for a final time. He opened his eyes to see bright blue eyes and a pacifier just a few inches away from his face. Connor smiled at him brightly and cooed, babbling nonsense around the silicon in his mouth.

“Good morning little crab,” Andrew said and yawned, holding his hand out, “can I have that?”

Connor furrowed his eyebrows, but handed him the pacifier. Andrew tried to get out of bed, but Connor clung to his arm. The tot seemed to be feeling better, freely giving away his pacifier, but clearly not too much better if he was still clinging on like a koala. Andrew changed his diaper and the two headed downstairs, wishing Aaron a mental good luck for his impending fatherhood.

Once in the kitchen, Andrew asked Connor what he wanted to eat. Connor babbled something undecipherable leading to the final decision that eggs made an adequate choice. Cooking while holding a child was next to impossible, so Andrew dragged the high chair into the kitchen, positioning it next to the stove for Connor to see what was going on. Breakfast was a simple event: Connor accepted his antibiotics with no complaint and ate all his food.

Andrew was glad the medicine seemed to be working. He hated seeing the little boy suffer. Neil was still nowhere to be seen, though, which absolutely didn’t make Andrew worry. Not at all. 

He couldn’t even convince himself of that to be true. 

When Connor started patting things around the living room and calling “Dada” repeatedly, Andrew decided to head upstairs and see what was going on. 

Andrew knocked before opening the door and got no reply. He pushed slowly into the room, only to find Neil still sound asleep. Connor screeched out another long “Dada” and couldn’t be stopped from crawling over to his father once Andrew sat him down on the mattress.  Connor patted Neil’s face in delight and just in the same way he had woken Andrew. 

Neil opened his eyes slowly on the third pat, giving Connor a dopey smile, “Hi cub. Oh, you’re in your pajamas, is it already bed time?” His voice was throaty, his hair disheveled and his shirt had ridden up a tad to reveal a slim strip of skin right over the waistband of his sweatpants. Andrew’s throat felt dry like a desert waiting for a long-awaited downpour in summer.  

The windows were still covered with blackout curtains and there was no alarm clock in the room. Andrew thought about the best way to tell Neil he’d slept just over eighteen hours.

“It’s 9am,” Andrew said.

Neil sat up straight, “Excuse me? What?”

“It’s 9am, Neil, you slept all night.” 

Neil looked around the room confused, while Andrew walked over to the window and opened the curtains. The bright sunlight beaming in proved the point. 

“Come on, up and at ‘em and all that,” Andrew said as he picked Connor up off of Neil’s lap. “I was just about to make Connor sit in a steamy shower for twenty minutes to help clear out his head, you might as well do it, too.”

Andrew left the room with the boy and headed into the guest bathroom to grab the bath toys. Once he had the toys in hand, he stopped by Neil’s doorway to see him still in bed. “Well, Sleeping Beauty? Are you coming or what?”

He didn’t wait for Neil’s answer but rather moved toward the master bathroom where he turned on the spacious shower and dumped a bucket of toys on the floor where Connor was already crawling around. Once he was sure Connor was settled on the floor to play while the water heated up, he headed to the laundry room to grab both boys a set of freshly washed clothes and a pile of soft towels. 

He stopped at Neil’s doorway one last time. “Neil come on, you need to bathe your child.”

Neil muttered something and climbed out of bed. In the bathroom, Andrew set the clothes down on the counter and checked the water temperature again. Neil followed him in and looked around.

“What am I supposed to do here?” Neil asked as he rubbed his eyes, stretching his body languidly.

Andrew looked at him for a moment and tilted his head. He couldn’t tell if Neil was serious or not. “Wash him, wash yourself. Stop reeking like a skunk in my house. Normal shower stuff. Sit on the ground and play with him. I don’t care, just stay here for at least twenty minutes.”

Neil rubbed at his eyes again, looking half asleep. “Why?”

“Because the steam will help your congestion,” Andrew rolled his eyes, “and you both smell like fever sweat.”

Neil lifted his shirt to his nose and shrugged, clearly accepting the insult. Andrew directed him on where to find soap and helped him by moving the baby toys into the shower while he undressed Connor. Andrew reminded him to stay there for at least twenty minutes one more time before he left them alone, feeling like he’d suddenly become a single dad of two overnight. 

Downstairs, Andrew felt his skin tingle. He needed a break and a strong coffee. While the percolator gurgled and sizzled, Andrew stepped into the garden and smoked his first cigarette in twenty-four hours. He hadn’t been without a smoke this long for— he couldn’t remember if he had ever been without one this long since he had started at the age of 13. 

Once he felt more like himself again, Andrew got started on hiring another worker to cover his shifts while he cared for the sick idiot and his charming son. It felt like he had barely started when Neil and Connor trotted downstairs half an hour later. They both looked better, still sick, but less tragic. Andrew pointed Neil toward the food in the microwave and got back to work.

Connor sat on Neil’s lap as he ate, looking like he was growing tired already. Meanwhile, Neil kept observing Andrew.

“What?” Andrew asked eventually, annoyed by the interruption.

 “Thank you for taking care of Connor last night. You shouldn’t have had to do that, I’m sorry.” Neil played with the remaining food on his plate, shoving it around to avoid looking at Andrew. “I already pawn him off on you, and Dan and Matt, so often. You shouldn’t have to take care of him when I’m around.”

“Look at me,” Andrew paused, waiting until Neil complied, “I could have woken you up at any point. I didn’t, that was my choice. I offered to help you, that was also my choice. Don’t feel guilty for accepting help. Don’t take responsibility for something you can’t influence anyway.”

Neil nodded, looking away from Andrew again. Andrew sighed and put his work aside, heading for the living room to grab some toys. He sent Neil upstairs, following suit to make sure he listened. Neil sat on the bed with Connor and Andrew dumped the toys next to him. 

“You both need to rest. I don’t want to see anyone running around the house today.”

Andrew closed the door on his way out, leaving Connor and Neil to themselves. He scuffed down the stairs and collapsed on the sofa, burying his fingers in Sir’s fur. Although he was more exhausted than after a week at the diner, Andrew knew he would gladly do it again any day.

~

Neil laid down on the bed, looking around at the bunch of toys piling up in front of him. He picked up a stuffed elephant and did his best impression of trumpeting. Connor climbed over his back to get an owl and whooed. They went back and forth with every animal they could find mimicking the sounds, Connor’s eyes wide and beaming at Neil. Neil realized that the last time he could sit down and play without anything else to worry about had been quite a while ago. His days off were filled with shopping and chores, meaning he rarely got to really crawl around with his son. 

When Connor started to slow down, Neil started a movie on the TV across from the bed. It wasn’t Connor’s nap time yet, but he was ready for some calm snuggles that had him doze off with his head in Neil’s lap. Andrew brought them soup and medicine a little while later, and let Neil know that he had to go to work for an hour or two. He handed Connor his pacifier on the way out the door after telling him to have a good nap and suddenly, Neil had the monstrosity of a house all to himself. He couldn’t deny that a warm feeling spread in his tummy, making him daydream for a second about living with Andrew in his comfy home.

Connor fell asleep again soon after Andrew had left. Despite sleeping for half the day and through the night, Neil was ready for a nap, too. He drifted off, listening to the steady sound of his son’s breathing. 

He awoke a few hours later with Connor sprawled sideways across his chest, startling awake the moment Neil stirred. He lifted his head to look at Neil with two raised eyebrows when they heard something crash from the kitchen. Neil thought it was amazing how expressive Connor could be without saying a single word, still fascinated by Connor’s carefreeness despite all the terrors they had been through.

The two walked downstairs, finding Andrew at the source of the noise. He shooed them off back to bed, making Connor laugh with delight. They had another play session that didn’t even last an hour before Connor was ready to rest. Comfortably settled in Neil’s lap with his head propped against his father’s chest, Connor demanded his favorite dinosaur story Neil always carried with him on his smartphone. 

With his raspy voice, Neil started reading the rhymes to a soft melody he had made up in his head a while ago. He’d stuck with it since it was highly effective whenever he needed to calm Connor down and lull him into sleep. He sang the rhyme for Tyrannosaurus, Diplodocus, Leptopterygius and Stegosaurus, his voice cracking from time to time and sometimes interrupted by a few coughs, but Connor didn’t mind at all. 

“I’m a little Saltopus/And I’ve been taught/If you don’t run away/ You’re gonna get caught!” Neil sang and let his voice subside to a whisper at the familiar lines that held so much more meaning to Connor and him than to most kids hearing them.

“Why am I not surprised in the slightest at you singing something like that?” Andrew scoffed and carried over a tray with food. Neil hadn’t even recognized him standing in the doorframe and blushed.

“We can go downstairs you know?” Neil said. He didn’t like feeling useless, and especially didn’t like Andrew assuming he couldn’t do anything himself. 

“I know. I have paperwork spread out all over the table and I don’t want to mess it up.”

Andrew ate with them this time, letting Connor steal things from his plate while pretending not to notice. Neil watched as Connor hid in the blanket and Andrew pretended to be worried that he had ‘lost the baby’. 

As he watched the same scene play out over and over, Neil felt a tug at his heart. This is how parenting should be, he thought, there should be another person to love and cherish Connor as much as he did. There should be someone to lean on, no matter what and Neil couldn’t shake off the feeling that Andrew would be a great fit for that position. For the first time, Neil could understand in a way what Matt found in Dan and what Dan found in Matt or why all tenseness left Kevin’s frame whenever he got a call from Jean or Jeremy, even if it was just for a moment. It was nice, having someone to rely on. Not that Neil saw Andrew in that way, no way. Still, he couldn’t deny that Andrew made him feel something he had never felt for anyone else before. He just couldn’t pinpoint it. Neil shrugged it off as feeling safe for once in his life. It would be futile anyway. In no universe would Andrew want a kid and a broken mess of a father in his life for longer than necessary.

Still, even after Andrew had left and Connor was tucked in asleep beside him, the train of thoughts wouldn’t leave him alone.

~

The next day went a lot like the last one. Neil and Connor stayed upstairs while Andrew brought them food and some more toys. Connor was whinier the entire day, clinging to Neil and crying if he was put down, and his fever spiked more than once.  While Connor slept on his chest, Neil sought Andrew’s company to open his heart. 

“If I can’t make him feel better why am I even here? I could be at work, at least then I’d be doing something useful and bringing money in. All I can do here is sit and watch him suffer.” Neil ran one hand through Connor’s hair while the other patted his back. 

“You are making him feel better,” Andrew said, pointing at Neil’s hands. “You’re his dad, you can comfort him better than anyone else.”

“I just feel useless,” Neil admitted. He didn’t add that he’d felt useless ever since Connor was born, or that he was incredibly tired.

“You’re sick, you are supposed to be useless. Sometimes shit happens and parents need to take time to get themselves together. That doesn’t make you a bad parent.”

When he woke up the next morning, Neil realized it was already day four at Andrew’s house. He was starting to get comfortable there. Neil and Connor took a long shower then headed downstairs where Andrew had breakfast ready for them. Neil’s mind kept going back to how nice it was to have a real partner in life. Someone to pick up his slack when he wasn’t feeling 100% himself. 

Andrew didn’t make them go back to bed after breakfast; instead he played with them in the living room and read picture books when Connor got tired. Neil tucked him into the crib after he fell asleep for his nap and then came back downstairs. 

On his way down, he took a good look around Andrew’s house. There was a sturdy baby gate at the top of the stairs with bars wide enough that the cat could slip through them. Both, baby toys and cat toys, appeared in the hallways upstairs and downstairs, while the bedrooms and living room were covered in them. The house seemed to belong to Connor as much as it belonged to Andrew and Neil’s heart fluttered. 

In the living room, he sat with Andrew and watched an episode of some TV show he’d never heard of. Andrew explained it to him but the explanation didn’t make much sense. He ended up falling asleep anyway. 

~

Andrew let Neil sleep through two episodes, and even got Connor up from his nap so Neil wouldn’t wake up to him screaming. He put Connor down in front of the toy box in the living room and watched as he ignored them in favor of waking Neil up. He used his usual patting-the-face technique, which resulted in Neil waking up with a smile. 

Neil looked softer in those moments, Andrew thought, as he slowly woke up and took a few moments to bond with his son. Neil looked over at him and offered him a shy smile, too, as he hugged his baby.

The rest of the day passed quietly. Andrew gave in and let Neil vacuum downstairs because he wanted to pay him back. No matter how many times Andrew said it wasn’t necessary, Neil still insisted. The rest of the time, Andrew cooked while Neil and Connor watched some children’s programs and read picture books. The trio ate dinner together again, this time at the table— like a real family. 

Andrew’s bed felt weirdly empty that night. After spending all day in Neil’s and Connor’s company, the silence of his bedroom felt foreign. Leaving the door ajar for the cat meant he heard when Connor cried in the middle of the night. He wanted to jump up and go to him, but he heard Neil already soothing him. It took him three repetitions of his mantra to stay put. You’re nothing but a friend to him. You’re nothing but a friend to him. You’re nothing but a friend to him.  

Sleep only came when the birds started chirping.

He woke up too early. A fitful night's sleep led him to climb out of bed well before 7. When he made it downstairs, Neil was already there with a cup of coffee in hand. 

“Can’t sleep?” Neil asked from behind his giant mug. “Me too, I’m going a bit stir crazy locked up in here.” 

Andrew poured himself a cup, ignoring Neil’s eyes on him. “The door’s open, you’re free to leave whenever you like.”

“That’s not what I mean. This place is amazing. I just need something to do, I was not made for sitting at home all day.”

Andrew pulled out a piece of paper and scribbled a shopping list on it, “Here’s a shopping list, make yourself useful. I wrote Pampers but he’s your kid, get whatever diapers you feel are best.”

“Pampers are the best,” Neil said looking over the list, “but they’re also the most expensive.”

Andrew reached for his wallet on the counter, but a glare from Neil stopped him. He huffed and turned to find something to eat. He knew Neil was weird about money and he should have known better than to offer him any. Neil had already made some toast and questionable scrambled eggs, which Andrew ate anyway, unsure why he was doing it other than to avoid hurting Neil’s feelings a second time. 

Neil had to wait until the store opened at 7 to go shopping so Andrew watched him putter around the kitchen cleaning things that were already clean and rearranging his counter set up. He looked wired for something,  like he physically could not stop moving. With the kitchen finally to his liking, Neil turned to Andrew and asked if he had any laundry, because he wanted to start a load before he left. Andrew headed upstairs and gave him some jeans, which Neil threw in with his and Connor’s clothes and towels. 

Connor woke up when the washer started and Neil grabbed him to take a shower before he left. They were still using the master bathroom, so Andrew was shunned from his own bedroom until they were done. 

He sat on the couch brushing the cat trying not to think of the domesticity of it all. Neil and Connor were showering in his room while all three of their clothes tumbled together in the washer. Soon Neil would go grocery shopping for all of them while Andrew and Connor waited for him to return. It was almost too much. Everything he hadn’t known he had wanted until right then, but all things he didn’t really have. They were playing house for a little while, just a couple of days, and his world was going to come crashing down when it ended. 

~

The store was bright and cold as Neil walked down the aisles pushing his shopping cart. Andrew’s list was mostly produce, meat, and baby supplies, yet he found himself wandering up and down every single aisle in the store. It was a weird sort of quiet to be there alone right after it opened. He started with the diapers and dry goods, making his way ever so slowly to the refrigerated section where he grabbed the ridiculous amount of ice cream Andrew had added to the list. Neil wondered for a moment how Andrew could keep his body in that incredible shape when he ate all that sugary stuff all the time. His cheeks flushed a little at the thought of Andrew’s abs he’d got a glance of the other day when Andrew had left the weight room for the shower.

Shaking the pictures out of his head, he pushed the cart forward. He was due to take his antibiotics when he got back, but as he wandered around the store, growing more tired with every step, he came to the conclusion that he should have taken them before coming. Neil wasn’t sure how his legs were still moving as he took step after step.

Everything he needed was in the shopping cart soon enough but the trip exhausted him more than he had ever imagined it would. The nice lady who rang up his groceries asked if he was okay, which was the final signal for him to admit that he wasn’t. Neil was very good at fooling strangers no matter how poorly he felt, and the fact that she had noticed worried him.

The drive home was as slow as it could be without being pulled over. Neil drove five under the speed limit the entire time to ensure he wouldn’t hit anything. After nudging the guardrail in the truck the other day he was terrified of doing it again, especially since he was driving Andrew’s beast instead of his own responsible car. 

In the driveway he sat in the car for a moment to collect himself. He knew Andrew was going to see right through him as soon as he opened the door. Andrew had been telling Neil for days to rest and Neil hated admitting that he was right.  

With two bags in each hand, and a box of diapers wedged between his arm and his chest, he headed into the house.

~ 

Neil looked terrible when he opened the door. Andrew and Connor were in the entryway searching for Connor’s missing duck when he opened the door. The first thing Andrew noticed was that he looked pale. The second thing was that he was sweating.

Andrew picked up Connor and took two of the bags from Neil. Andrew didn’t say anything because he didn’t trust his voice at that moment, but his face must have said it all because Neil looked sorry. In the kitchen he set the bags down and turned to make sure Neil did the same. As soon as Neil’s hands were free he grabbed a hold of Neil’s sleeve and led him up the stairs and into the guest bedroom. 

Neil took the hint, slid his shoes off and climbed into bed. Still holding Connor, Andrew went to the nursery for the ear thermometer. Once it was in his hand, he returned to Neil’s bedside. He shifted the toddler on his hip and checked the temperature of both of Neil’s ears. The fever was back; of course it was. Neil had gotten bored and restless and overworked himself. Andrew didn’t bother to ask why; he just fetched the medicine and gave it to Neil. Neil’s saving grace was that he didn’t offer an apology. Andrew didn’t know what he would have done if Neil had been that stupid, but he was sure it wouldn’t have been pretty. 

Connor said night-night to his dad and they left the room to let Neil recuperate in peace. The little boy ended up doing wonders to Andrew’s mood. In the living room Andrew sat down on the floor and Connor started bringing him every toy he could find. He would run to something and pick it up then run back to Andrew and throw it on his lap. It took a few minutes because Connor only grabbed one toy at a time, but by the end Andrew was covered in every toy in the room.

They made lunch together, with Andrew doing all of the cooking and Connor smashing everything that Andrew placed on the tray of his highchair. Connor listened while he called into the restaurant to see how things were going, and Andrew listened while Connor babbled like he was telling a thrilling tale. 

Connor ended up falling asleep on his chest as they laid on the couch together listening to nature sounds. Andrew ran a hand through his hair, leaning forward just enough to kiss it. Silently Andrew was thankful that moments like that were burned into his mind forever. The feeling of someone so innocent and small putting all of their trust into him like that. The clean baby smell filling his nose as Connor shifted closer to him. The sense of calm radiating off of the child as he slept. 

Aaron had texted him an ultrasound picture earlier and he carefully dug his phone out of his pocket to look at it. The image was gray and blurry, few details shining through, but he could clearly see two heads facing each other. Andrew was glad that Aaron would have moments like these, precious and calm. It wouldn’t last long for Andrew, but Aaron would have years of this. If one of them was going to make it, he was happy that it was Aaron.

He dozed off for a little while, letting Connor’s warmth envelop him. Andrew woke up to Connor stirring and hugged him tightly. They sat up together, snuggling close. Connor liked to do that sometimes, just sit together silently when he was waking up, and Andrew didn’t mind today since it gave him more time to enjoy the fleeting moment. 

It still startled him how little he minded being touched by Connor. Even when he slept on his chest, his heavy weight pressing his body into the couch, Andrew’s nightmares stayed away. At least most of the time. Sometimes, they crept back into his mind and he felt a rush of panic in his system when Connor’s hand accidentally pinched his skin through the shirt or rested over his nipple or a foot slammed into his groin, but once he realized it was just him, the panic subsided and the warm feeling of being able to protect this kid from horrible experiences like his settled in again. 

“It’s so nice to have you here, cub,” Andrew said as they sat together. When Connor patted his arm he knew the boy understood. “Your daddy is a great daddy, you know? He doesn’t know it but he’s an idiot sandwich anyway so of course he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know a lot of things, right? Like how he thinks he has to do everything by himself but. You know what? He isn’t alone at all because I am here for you and him, too. He’s just too dense to ask for help.”

Connor wrapped his arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. If Andrew were a different sort of man he would have teared up, but as it was he just hugged him back just as hard.

They made Neil dinner and brought it up to his room so they could all eat together. Neil didn’t complain this time, either because he was too ill or because he was scared to face Andrew’s wrath. Andrew didn’t bother to find out. Neil asked Andrew to take the baby for the night, which really showed Andrew how badly he felt more than anything. Even though he probably didn’t need it after the morning he had, Andrew lectured Neil on how doing too much while he was sick could make it worse and make the recovery time longer. He realized he started to sound like Kevin and pushed his discomfort away with an internal scoff.

Andrew and Connor stayed with him for a while so he didn’t get lonely. They watched some children’s series with an overload of bright colors, but Andrew found himself looking over to Neil more often than not. The man looked better than he had when he returned from the store, but worse than he had when he’d left to go shopping. A part of him was annoyed at himself for asking Neil to go at all, but he knew that Neil had been getting antsy and would have found something else to do if he hadn’t. 

He took Connor into the master bedroom and let him sleep in his bed. It was the first time Andrew had allowed it to happen. Usually he made Connor sleep in the crib or they went downstairs together, not least because of bad memories settling in Andrew’s mind at the sight of a child in his bed without his father being around. The moment Andrew settled into bed beside him and Connor snuggled up against his chest, the tightness left and he swallowed down the bile that had settled in his throat, falling asleep. 

~

Luckily, Connor let him sleep in until 8, which was like noon in toddler time. 

Connor woke him up by putting his slobber-covered pacifier in Andrew’s hand. Andrew opened his eyes and looked at the smiling toddler. Not the worst way to be woken up, but not the best by far. Connor crawled over to him and pressed a sloppy open-mouthed kiss onto Andrew’s cheek. 

Andrew pulled the toy in and hugged him “Thank you, cub.”

Connor laughed in the bright way only babies can when Andrew’s stubble brushed his face, so Andrew rubbed his cheek against Connor’s again and again until Connor started screaming with joy. 

Neil appeared in the open doorway then, smiling and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He walked over to the bed and bent over the hugging pair, pressing a kiss to Connor’s hair. The tot screamed and laughed, wiggling out of Andrew’s arms and falling toward Neil. The doting father caught him and spun him around. 

“That’s not a bad sound to wake up to,” Neil said as he carefully threw Connor onto the bed.

Laughter filled the air again, strong enough that Neil joined in full force and Andrew allowed himself a small chuckle. Connor crawled over to him and raised his arms, so Neil picked him up and tossed him again.  

Andrew sat up and watched the father-son duo play on his bed. He briefly imagined a world where this was an average morning for him. Waking up to sloppy baby kisses and laughter. No, he thought, not his average morning, but Aaron’s. That was more acceptable. Soon Aaron would be waking up to sloppy baby kisses twice over, and double the laughter too. Andrew wasn’t a jealous man, but at that moment he came close to the feeling.

All three boys headed downstairs together where Andrew made breakfast while the other two played on the kitchen floor. Connor had worn just a long-sleeved onesie to bed, and Neil left him in it after changing his diaper. Andrew loved the look because it made Connor seem younger than he was. It gave Andrew a better glimpse into his infancy, he could imagine helping him learn to crawl and stand. 

Connor walked over to where Neil was sitting and patted his arm with one hand while pointing to the top of the cat tower with the other. 

“Cat,” Neil said clearly.

“Cat,” Connor mimicked. 

Neil looked between Connor and Andrew with wide eyes. Andrew had never heard him say that word before, and apparently neither had Neil.   

“Connor, say that again,” Neil pleaded.

Connor stomped his feet and shook his pointed finger at the cat.

“What do you want Connor?” Andrew asked. He moved closer to where the boy was standing to get a better view.

“Cat,” Connor whined as he stomped his feet again.

Andrew walked over to the cat tower and carefully picked up the cat. Sir was the kind of cat that got annoyed easily, but rarely scratched, and Andrew felt confident she wouldn’t lash out at the baby. He sat down in front of Neil, while Neil pulled Connor on his lap.

“Gentle Connor, gentle,” Neil said as Connor reached forward to touch her.

After he had patted her head a few times, Andrew gently grabbed his hand and ran it from her head to her tail. Connor screamed in delight and the cat took off as fast as she could go. The toddler threw himself back onto Neil’s chest and cried.

Neil picked him up and patted his back while Connor sobbed into his neck, “It’s okay little boy. It’s okay. Did the kitty scare you?”

Over breakfast Andrew asked Neil how many words Connor could say. 

“Dada, up, no, yeah, mine, car, Andu, Matt, Dan, more, down,” Neil looked away for a second and closed his eyes while counting on his fingers, “and now cat. So 12 words. He’s a little behind but the doctor’s not worried about it. Plus he knows a lot of animal sounds, and I feel like that counts too.”

Andrew nodded, he’d heard Connor say all of those words before.

Neil took Connor out of his chair and set him on the ground, then he pointed toward the living room, “Hey, can you go get me the duck from the living room?”

Connor ran from the room, his bare legs going as fast as they could, and quickly returned carrying a plastic duck.

“Thank you!” Neil picked him up and kissed his cheek, “He understands a lot, he’ll talk when he’s ready.”

After breakfast the three found their way into the living room, while Neil tried to convince Andrew to go on a walk to the park a couple blocks away. It took a lot of convincing, and Neil promising twice to admit if he was tired before Andrew gave in. Andrew dreaded having a repeat of how terrible Neil had looked the day before when he got home from shopping. 

Neil took longer to get himself and Connor dressed than Andrew took to get himself dressed, so Andrew pulled the stroller out of the garage and checked the pre-packed diaper bag while he waited for the other two. Neil paused half way down the stairs and pointed at the stroller.

“What’s that?”

Andrew looked at him with a raised eyebrow, “A stroller.”

“I don’t even have a stroller, why do you have one?” Neil looked a little annoyed, or maybe somehow offended?

“I’m fairly certain that I’ve told you my brother is having kids soon.” Andrew replied, trying to get a read on what Neil meant. “And I watch Connor enough for it to be useful.”

The trip to the park was nice. Neil stayed on the bench while Andrew chased down Connor every time that he ran off. However, Andrew kept thinking back to what Neil could have been upset about when he saw the stroller. As far as he knew they were a normal part of life with a small child. 

By the time they got home everyone was back to normal. Andrew got some paperwork done while the other two napped, then they cooked dinner together. Eating three meals a day together was a nice way to live. Andrew had always hated it when he was a child because he’d had to sit silently while the grown ups talked in almost all of his foster homes. 

Going to bed when Connor did again would have been too early at any other time, but after the last six days of caring for both Neil and Connor, he was exhausted too. 

~

Neil woke up at his normal time, he reached out for Connor, only to remember he’d put him to sleep in the crib last night. Thanks to Andrew’s help a full night's sleep with no interruptions was something he was getting used to and he dreaded what would happen to his sleep schedule when he went home. Matt and Dan, and Andrew all reported that he slept through the night most nights at their houses, where he was in his own room instead of in theirs, but with Neil he regularly woke up in the middle of the night. It was probably because they shared a room still and Neil was doing something that woke him up, having noisy neighbors didn’t help either. Having no way to change that anytime soon Neil dealt with bringing Connor into his bed fairly often. 

The house was quiet when he left his room, giving him a chance to wake up slowly. He went downstairs and started breakfast, using a few tricks he’d learned from watching Andrew to make his eggs taste better. As he cooked he heard Connor’s cry crackle over the baby monitor on the counter. Neil was about to go up and get him when he heard Andrew’s voice coming through as well. 

“Good morning,” Andrew said getting louder as he spoke, meaning he was getting closer to the monitor Neil thought. “How did you sleep? I almost can’t believe your daddy let you sleep all alone... Oh thank you, I love slobbery kisses right when I wake up. How did you know?”

Neil chuckled; he knew just how wet those kisses could be. He felt weird listening, but Andrew knew the monitor was there, so he had to know there was a chance he could be overheard. 

“Let’s go see what we can do for breakfast, huh lil’ raccoon? Place your bets now, is your daddy still in bed or is he downstairs? I’m guessing in bed, but we shall see.”

The coffee maker chimed and Neil poured himself a cup. His chest felt tight after listening to their conversation. People only referred to him as Connor’s father, he’d never heard someone say it so casually, and never to the boy himself. He was Connor’s father, he knew that - his son was his spitting image, just as he was to his father - but Andrew said ‘your daddy’ like it meant something else. It didn’t mean sperm donor when he said it. It meant caregiver and protector and friend. It could have just been that the words had different meanings to Neil, but he didn’t think that was it. Everything about the way Andrew said it was different, from word choice to tone. 

For the first time, Neil saw himself as what the word “father” implied. How he would walk Connor to his first day of school, his satchel in one hand and candy cone in the other, sending his son into class with pride in his chest. How he would comfort him when he went through his first heartbreak or when he fell off his bike. It was something he’d never seen himself as before, but it made him feel warm and proud and all at once, being a father didn’t seem frightening but exciting — something to look forward to. And somehow, Andrew was always in the picture. That was frightening, because Neil knew he wouldn’t be and that what they had here was supposed to end one way or the other anyway.

Neil smiled at them nonetheless when they appeared in the kitchen and showed them the plate of eggs he’d made. Andrew traded him the child for the plate and tasted them. 

“You’re getting better,” Andrew said, offering Connor a bite too. 

They ate breakfast together and played in the backyard. Neil liked watching Andrew play with Connor. They appeared to have a genuine connection, Andrew could calm Connor down faster than anyone else, including himself, and Connor softened Andrew’s otherwise rough edges.

Andrew took the time to teach Neil how to make a proper bone broth in the afternoon while Connor napped and they all read together when he woke up. Neil was making more memories with his son being sick than he had in the months since Aubrey’s death. As much as he hated to admit it to himself, he was glad that Wymack made him take the recommended time off and Andrew forced him to slow down and relax. Losing another week’s pay was rough, but money wasn’t as important as bonding with his son. Plus, Wymack had given him an advance on his next paycheck, so rent wasn’t a problem for now.

As they watched TV that night, Connor lay cradled in Neil’s arms drinking a bottle of tea. Neil ignored the show in favor of looking down into Connor’s bright eyes. He watched as his baby slowly drifted off to sleep.

“Fuck,” Neil whispered, tearing up a little, “I forgot how nice this is.”

“Hmm?” Andrew asked, muting the show.

“He never does this anymore. He always wants to sit up instead of being held like a baby. Aubrey used to say it was her favorite part of the day, but I never really got that until he stopped doing it. There’s just something so peaceful about looking into his eyes while he falls asleep.” Neil smiled at the memory.

“Aubrey?” Andrew asked.

“What? Oh, his mom.” Neil said. He’d never mentioned her name before because he normally shot down any questions about Connor’s mother.

“Were you two—?”

Neil frowned at him, then smiled. “A couple? No, I— I don’t feel that way, you know? I never did.”

“You’re not into women?” 

“I think I’m into anybody. I don’t swing either way. At least I never did.”

Andrew nodded his head. “Do you miss her?”

“Uhhh... that’s a loaded question...” Neil paused to think. Andrew thankfully remained quiet and let him. “I don’t... we were never a thing so I don’t miss her as a partner, you know? But as his mom I guess I do. She always knew what he needed before he even got upset. It was like an instinct for her. I can’t even do that now, after almost two years of practice.”

Andrew nodded again, “I get that.”

“Yeah.” Neil wiped at his eyes, annoyed that Andrew saw him crying yet again. “She wasn’t my person, you know? But she was a person and she didn't deserve what she got…” Neil got up to put the emptied bottle away, and held Connor closer to his chest.  “I’m going to go put him to bed now. Good night Andrew.” 

Neil carefully walked upstairs, not wanting to wake his son up again. Andrew didn’t try to comfort him and he was thankful. Neil wasn’t sure why exactly he was crying. Because his son had to grow up without a mother? Because of the violence surrounding her death? Or because she was a person with so much of her life stolen from her just for giving birth to a kid? 

He let Connor sleep in his bed, wanting to be close to him while he felt so emotionally drained. His son snuggled up against him, he fell asleep with the sting of tears in his eyes. 

~ 

After a fitful night's sleep, Neil climbed out of bed and carefully moved Connor to the crib so he could get up. 

First, Neil tidied up all the toys he found around the house, then he wiped out the fridge and mopped the kitchen. He suddenly felt like he was mooching off of Andrew and he wanted to do anything he could to pay him back. When Connor and Andrew got up, Neil started some laundry and vacuumed the living room. Andrew told him not to overwork himself again, but ultimately left the choice to him. 

When Connor napped, Neil napped with him, exhausted from a morning of cleaning. Andrew made him slow down in the afternoon by showing him how to make twice baked potatoes. While they cooked, the cat napped on the couch and Connor managed to walk up to her and pet her. She woke up but didn’t run away, which earned her a lauding glance from Andrew that Neil could see out of the corner of his eye. Neil praised him for being so gentle and kind to her. Connor climbed onto the couch and sat with her for a few minutes, reminding Neil there was good in the world.

By the time his head hit the pillow that night, Neil was ready to sleep for two days, but he woke up at 2am and could not fall back to sleep. Silently, he wandered down to the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea, only to find Andrew already awake. 

“Nightmare?” Andrew asked.

“No, I just can’t sleep. I’ve been wound up all day,” Neil replied. He accepted the cup Andrew offered him and hoped the coffee inside was decaf. 

“Penny for your thoughts,” Andrew said.

“I know you’re a good person and you’re doing this because you care, but in my experience kindness comes at a steep price. I hate having to rely on other people. I was taught from a young age that I can’t trust anyone and that’s a hard habit to break,” Neil admitted with a sigh. 

He didn’t know why he was telling Andrew this, but his instincts told him Andrew was safe. Neil knew he could trust Andrew with his son’s and his own care when he was ill, but this feeling of safety went deeper. It was more like Andrew would understand and not run away from the truth. It was a trust deeply ingrained into Neil’s system by now. 

“We all had shitty childhoods, Neil.” Andrew looked him over and sighed. “Renee and Kevin and I all had to learn how to accept kindness without expecting repercussions.  You don’t have to accept my help if you don't want to, but I will never ask you for anything in return. My help is free, no strings attached.”

Neil nodded. “Okay, I trust you, I really do.” He paused for a moment and stirred his coffee. “But I don’t know how to believe you.”

Andrew snorted. “Stick around long enough to find out then. No need to rush. No need to run.”

Andrew turned to leave him alone in the kitchen to think about what he’d said. That last line rang through his head. It was as if Andrew could see straight through everything he’d built up around himself into the kid who wanted to run at the first sign of trouble. 

“Andrew?”

“Yes, Neil.”

“Do you— You asked me last time if I am… into women. Are you? I just never see anyone with you and well, only Renee so…” Neil didn’t even know why he wanted to know that detail. It didn’t matter anyway, and yet he was nervous.

Andrew kept a blank face, downing the rest of his tea. “Renee is a friend. I don’t do women.”

“Oh. So you’re—“

“Gay. Yes.” 

Andrew shrugged and trotted up the stairs, shutting his bedroom door.

Neil headed upstairs to go back to bed, too. He stopped by the nursery on the way and watched Connor sleep for a few moments and realized he could learn to rely on others — if not for himself then for Connor’s sake. 

~

Andrew was almost surprised to wake up to Connor crying. His alarm clock showed 6:30am as the first rays of sun started to filter through the curtains. He waited a moment to see if Neil would get him, then climbed out of bed and made his way to the nursery. Connor stopped as soon as he saw him, lip still trembling as he lifted his arms toward Andrew. Andrew opened the curtains and the window, letting the sunrise flood the room with golden light. Connor’s auburn curls reflected a sharp copper in stark contrast to his beautiful blue eyes, and Andrew couldn’t help thinking that he wanted to see that every single fucking day of his life. 

His mind immediately imagined not only seeing Connor like that, but also Neil. How he would wake up next to him and look into his freckled face, disheveled hair like a raging fire framing his face, and he hated himself for that. He hated himself for falling. For falling for someone he couldn’t have. The only thing he wanted in a long time was unattainable, and wasn’t that the story of his life?

“There, there, little crab. What’s got you this worked up?” he said as he walked over to the rocking chair.  

They rocked for more than ten minutes and Andrew was sure Connor had fallen asleep again. When the chair stopped moving, Connor leaned back and looked at him, both eyebrows raised in question. Andrew started rocking again and Connor laid back down on his chest. 

He must have had a bad dream, Andrew thought, to be this upset. Neil was nowhere to be seen, but that wasn’t totally surprising after seeing him getting up in the middle of the night. Andrew started humming the stupid dinosaur tune Neil used to calm Connor down, and then started quietly saying the words after Connor patted his arm. 

“I’m Stegosaurus / big as a whale / with plates on my back/ and spikes on my tail,” Andrew said. He felt eyes on him and looked up to see Neil standing just inside the doorway.

“I thought you hated that book?” Neil smirked at him knowingly. 

“I do, but Connor loves it,” Andrew rolled his eyes.

At his name, Connor sat up and put both his hands on Andrew cheeks, forcing him to look into his eyes. At some point during the last few minutes, Connor had lost his pacifier, giving him the opportunity to place a big kiss directly on Andrew’s mouth. 

Neil laughed while Andrew barely controlled his grimace. Andrew used the distraction of Connor looking away to slide his cheek against the little boy’s making him laugh when the stubble tickled him. Still laughing, Connor rubbed their faces together, tickling himself. 

He could get used to a house full of laughter. The longer Connor and Neil were there, the more he found things he thought he hated weren’t actually that bad. Seeing his living room covered in clutter was okay when that clutter was Connor’s toys. Waking up in the middle of the night to crying was okay when he was able to soothe it away just with his presence. Coming home to people already in his house was okay when Connor greeted him with a hug and a slobbery kiss. 

He didn’t do relationships, but these two just might be able to change that. 

Later, while they played in the backyard, Andrew’s phone chimed. He opened the message to find a video of Katelyn’s belly, moving like she was being punched from the inside. On the third rewatch, Andrew realized that’s exactly what’s happening. The first couple times he was too grossed out to think about it, but she was actually being hit by four tiny fists and four tiny feet. He showed the video to Neil and told him he thought it was gross. Neil told him to wait until he felt it, because that’s even worse.  

After they came in, he made a special dinner. Neil planned to leave after Connor’s nap tomorrow and Andrew wanted to make the meal as nice as he could to show Neil he meant it when he said his help was free. After an internal debate, he cooked mac and cheese from scratch. It wasn’t the fanciest meal, but it was something he knew Neil would appreciate.   

Neil sent him up to give Connor a bath while he did the dishes. Andrew argued it should be the other way around, but Neil insisted that he’d clean up since Andrew cooked. 

“I’m going to miss having you here,” Andrew said as he watched Connor splash around in the tub. “I love waking up to your wet, wet kisses. Don’t tell your daddy though, cub. This big house is going to be so lonely without you here.” 

Connor smiled at him. Andrew reached his hand in and splashed him, which led to Connor slapping the surface of the water and making a giant mess on the floor. 

Neil found them right after Connor got out, so he was wrapped in a hooded towel and squirming in Andrew’s arms. Andrew carried him into the nursery and started smothering him in lotion while Neil picked out his pajamas and diaper. It took both of them to wrestle him into his clothes because he was too excited to sit still. Andrew quietly said good night and left the room while Neil rocked Connor and read him a book. 

He went straight to bed and dreamed about another life where he could have this forever. 

~

Neil spent the morning washing all of their clothes again. Even after doing laundry twice at Andrew’s, most of it was already dirty again. Connor was a messy eater, and always covered himself in dirt when they played outside, which meant he tended to go through at least three outfits a day, and Andrew had a rule against wearing pajamas twice which added to the load. He also washed the bedding in his room to get it ready for the next time Andrew had a guest and ignored the sting in his chest. 

By the time that was finished and the bed was remade, it was already time for Connor’s nap. Neil used that time to tidy up the toys and vacuum again. Andrew told him not to, but he refused to leave the house worse than he’d found it. He even loaded their bags into Andrew’s car to make it easier once Connor was awake. 

Andrew watched him work with a grim look on his face. Neil asked if he was okay, but Andrew just ignored him. As he cleaned, Neil thought about his father insisting their family home was spotless at all times. He wasn’t doing this to be controlling and cold, he was doing it because it was the only way he knew how to say thank you. 

Neil got so caught up in his work that he didn’t notice Connor had woken up until Andrew came down the stairs holding him. The tot had one hand resting on Andrew’s neck and the other fisted in his shirt. Neil smiled at the sight. He looked around the house one more time, then came back to them.

“Alright, I think it’s time to go.” Neil took a deep breath. “Honestly, Andrew, thank you so much. I don’t know how we would have survived this without you.”

“You’ve said thank you seventeen times just this morning,” Andrew said, sounding slightly annoyed, “If you say it one more time I will kill you.”

Neil laughed, “okay okay sorry. But I mean it.”

“I know.”

Andrew got the door and led him out to the car. Neil climbed into the back and buckled Connor in while Andrew walked around to the driver's seat. As they drove, Neil thought about how the ride home was the exact opposite of the drive there. He and Connor were healthy and happy thanks to Andrew’s kindness and dedication. 

Connor noticed where they were as they pulled into the driveway of the apartment complex and started to whine. After spending so long at Andrew’s house, their apartment seemed even more tragic than it normally did. Neil mentally promised himself that he would do everything he could to get into a better place by the end of the year. Connor deserved a nice, clean, and welcoming place to grow up. 

Andrew carried their bags in and helped by playing with Connor while Neil unpacked. Neil didn’t see a single judgmental look from Andrew either. He picked up Connor and together they walked Andrew out to his car.

“I know you don't want me to say thank you again, so can we give you a hug instead?” Neil asked chewing on his lip as Andrew put his hand on his car door.

Andrew looked at him for a moment, long enough that Neil was sure he was going to say no.

“Okay,” he said finally.

Neil and Connor leaned in. With Connor in one arm, Neil only had one arm to hug Andrew with but they made it work. Neil patted Andrew’s back while Andrew wrapped both arms around them for a second, just long enough for Connor to kiss his cheek then he leaned away again.

The pair watched Andrew drive away, waving at him until they couldn’t see his car anymore and went upstairs into their way too empty and silent apartment. Connor whined. He wasn’t the only one already missing Andrew.

Chapter Text

The days since they came home flew by. Neil was back to work and did some extra shifts to pay off the rent credit Wymack had granted him. He even found a daycare for Connor at a nice woman’s house with a big backyard and a few other toddlers running around. Andrew had accompanied them on the first day — to be fair, not for Connor, but for Neil — and calmed Neil down all the way back to the diner, the feeling of guilt only being extinguished when they picked him up again in the afternoon and Connor babbled about all the things he had explored.

Andrew being around happened more often in general, Neil realized. Andrew had worked his way into their lives more and more, being around whenever Neil needed support or just to hang out. He enjoyed Andrew’s company on movie nights together at Matt’s or at Andrew’s, and on one occasion, even a sports party at Kevin’s, when he knew there was nothing in the world Andrew hated more than Kevin’s obsession with sport.

It had become a regular thing for Andrew to pick up Connor from daycare whenever Neil had a longer shift or a multiple-day trip. Connor only rarely stayed at Matt and Dan’s, mostly living with Andrew now when Neil wasn’t around, and both parties seemed fine with that. Sometimes, Neil would pick up Connor and eat dinner with Andrew that he’d cooked for them so they wouldn’t have to eat “all that shitty convenience food you expect your poor body to put up with let alone my foster-son’s body, so you better eat these vegetables.” Of course, Andrew wouldn’t let him drive home in the middle of the night so Andrew’s guest room had become his second bedroom, because Andrew insisted and Neil didn’t want to fight him. Neil hadn’t failed to notice the comforter wrapped around his body in the morning when he had fallen asleep on the sofa one night, or that Andrew’s door always flew open in an instant the moment whining came through the baby monitor.

Neil didn’t mind Andrew’s involvement at all, but he still minded that feeling rushing through his chest whenever he saw Andrew. He felt too safe, too settled, slowly losing his flight instinct. It was trust and Neil didn’t just trust, but he trusted Andrew and that was frightening.

When Andrew invited Neil to his Thanksgiving family dinner, Neil wanted to decline and insist Andrew should be with his real family which Andrew quashed with a snort and something like “Don’t be oblivious, Josten.” Neil still didn’t get it, but of course he agreed and promised to bring cornbread — something Andrew had shown him how to bake.

As the fourth Thursday of November rolled around, Neil went to the supermarket with Connor and shopped everything they needed for cornbread and a bottle of Andrew’s favorite whiskey. Andrew didn’t drink a lot, but Neil had noticed Andrew liked a whiskey here and there and his bottle had been almost empty during his last visit two days ago.

Connor helped Neil with the bread by mostly eating cereal instead of putting things in the bowl and drumming his hands on the tabletop of his high chair in excitement. Since Connor started spending most days with Andrew, his language development picked up and was at about thirty-five words now, even saying two-word phrases like “more cheos, dada” which warmed Neil’s heart.

Before hitting the road, Neil checked the duffel for Connor’s and his belongings and packed another shirt and pants in case Connor’s food landed on his clothes instead of in his mouth, which, if Neil was honest, it did most of the time.

Andrew’s door was decorated with a Thanksgiving wreath and a pumpkin on his doorstep. Neil was sure it was Bee who had brought it and smiled to himself at the image of Andrew’s face when he had to hang it up. A sleek black car stood in the driveway next to Andrew’s Maserati and Bee’s yellow Honda Civic, indicating that Aaron most likely had arrived by now.

Neil let Connor down and watched him stomp forward and knock at the door. Bee stuck her head out and smiled at Neil before she leaned down to Connor and lifted him up into her arms.

“Hello, little man. Oh, you look gorgeous. Is that a pumpkin on your shirt? That looks like a huuuuge pumpkin,” she cooed and tickled Connor’s belly who screeched wholeheartedly. “Can you say that for me? Pump-kin.” Connor tried to say something that sounded vaguely like pumpkin, and Bee chuckled. “Wonderful. Sorry, Neil, come in. Andrew’s in the kitchen. I can watch that little fella here, if you’d like.”

Neil nodded and followed her inside, smelling the turkey and mashed potatoes and so much more great food. It felt like coming home. In the kitchen stood Andrew in an orange apron, hands covered with oven mitts and a casserole in his hands.

“Hey,” Neil said and smiled, propped against the doorframe with his cornbread in hand. “I—I made cornbread. I hope it’s tasty.”

“You sure you didn’t burn your apartment down?” Andrew said, but Neil saw a smile tug at his lips. “Carry it into the dining room. I’ll be there in a minute.”

The dining room held a neatly decorated table with an autumnal arrangement in the middle and six place settings, one of them consisting of Connor’s baby dishes with his favorite animal, a fox, in the middle. Chatter swirled over from the living room where Andrew’s twin and his wife — her baby belly unmissable — were seated on the big sofa while Bee sat on the floor with Connor.

“Get your asses over here and sit down. Food’s ready,” Andrew hollered from the kitchen and everyone sighed but obeyed, taking their respective seats. Neil didn’t know if it was intentional or coincidental but the only vacant seat was the one next to Andrew.

Everything Andrew carried in smelled fantastic, from savory turkey to buttery mashed potatoes and roasted vegetables. Neil had to smile to himself since Andrew just didn’t seem like someone to cook these big family meals, but he seemed really relaxed and that was a novelty.

“So, you’re Neil, right?” Aaron said as he loaded his plate with all sorts of food, giving Neil a suspicious glance.

“Yes. You must be Aaron. Nice to meet you,” Neil said and blushed, not feeling well at all the attention settling on him.

“We heard a lot about you,” Katelyn jumped in, obviously trying to break the tension.

“Oh, really? Well, congrats on your pregnancy. Andrew told me you’re having twins?”

“Yes, the doctor said a boy and a girl. A little Aaron,” she added and laughed, earning her a huff from Aaron, “and a little me. Wouldn’t that be cute?”

“Hopefully not,” Andrew said and fed Connor some turkey before he stuffed some into his mouth as well. “I’m the better looking twin, you know that, right?”

“Yeah, we know, and the older one. Keep on dreaming!” Aaron said and pouted, making everyone else laugh.

Dinner was otherwise uneventful, Andrew barely talking but eating three plates, Neil barely talking and eating one plate, and Bee talking a lot and somehow still eating whatever Andrew loaded onto her plate.

Once everyone was full, Neil helped Andrew clear the table and load the dishwasher, both working around each other like two planets gravitating in a comfortable push and pull in their own microcosm. Of course, Andrew had prepared dessert, so Neil carried all the cake and ice cream back into the dining room where a huge package stood on the table. Neil picked up Connor and sat him into the high chair again.

As Andrew walked in, Aaron, Katelyn and Bee started singing “Happy Birthday”, and Connor babbled along. Only Neil didn’t get it, but he sang along anyway, praying that he didn’t just forget Andrew’s birthday.

“I know it’s late, but better late than never,” Aaron said and pushed the package over to a seemingly unmoved Andrew.

“It’s your birthday?” Neil asked, eyes wide.

“My birthday was on the Fourth,” Andrew said and started ripping the wrapping apart.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because to me it doesn’t really matter.”

Andrew pulled a new motorcycle helmet and a leather jacket out, trying the jacket on with something like delight flitting over his face.

“Thanks,” he said and accepted Katelyn’s and Bee’s hug. Aaron nodded at him and Andrew nodded back. Neil realized that that was all they would exchange.

Neil walked over to the duffel and pulled his whiskey bottle out, thanking whatever deity for the idea to grab something at the supermarket. He walked back and handed Andrew the bottle, quickly looking away again. Andrew’s eyes seemed to pierce a hole into his head; he could feel it.

“You didn’t have to,” Andrew eventually said and poured himself and Aaron a glass.

“I know. I wanted to. For your hospitality and for Connor.”

Andrew gave Neil a little smile and shook his head. “You know, little crab here isn’t that bad. The nuisance tagging along isn’t that much of an inconvenience either.”

Neil huffed, Aaron snorted and Bee laughed, giving Andrew a smile and a look Neil didn’t really understand.

Connor ate a small plate of ice cream and cake, making Neil worry about him probably puking in the middle of the night, but Andrew just shrugged and dug into his own ice-cream-cake mountain.

When Sir jumped into Andrew’s lap halfway through dessert, Connor reached out his arm, but couldn’t reach her. His lip started to tremble, eyes filling with tears as he wiggled in his chair, screeching “mine, mine, mine, Andu mine,” until Andrew pushed Sir off his lap and stroked Connor’s cheek. Only then did the boy direct his attention back to the ice cream and cake in front of him.

After dessert, the whole family settled in front of the TV, Katelyn and Bee begging Neil to sit down with them and Connor and asking him about his life as a single father and trucker, while Aaron helped Andrew clean the dishes and kitchen.

“So, how is that, Neil, the life as a single dad?”

Neil felt a bit uncomfortable but somehow the women were kind and just being nice, so Neil didn’t mind answering some questions while he played with Connor.

“Well, exhausting? I mean, I have to do my job and after a ten-hour shift it’s sometimes a bit tough, especially if Connor had a bad day and is whiny. But most of the time, it’s okay. I love him and I wouldn’t want to miss him.”

Katelyn and Bee awed and beamed at Neil as if he were an eighth wonder of the world.

“That’s so kind. What happened to his mom? Didn’t you two work out? Sorry if that’s too nosy—”

“No, no,” Neil interrupted Katelyn, smiling a sad smile, “that’s fine. She was our housekeeper. My mom died when I was thirteen and my dad— he wasn’t a nice man. She was the only one around to listen and we somehow shared living in that house. I guess I mistook sharing a misery for romance and one thing led to another and yeah. That’s how Con-boy here happened. We never were a couple and she died eight months after his birth.” Neil didn’t look at Katelyn or Bee but focused on Connor. He didn’t mention the fact that his father had forced him in a way to do it, that his mother didn’t just die, or that Aubrey didn’t just pass.

“That’s very brave of you, Neil. Putting your son’s well-being before your own is an act of unconditional love. He must be happy to have you,” Bee said in her ever-calm voice and smiled a soft smile.

“I am so afraid of failing as a mom,” Katelyn jumped in and sighed, rubbing circles into her big bump. “Aaron and I, we are both afraid. I hope we can do for them what you do for him.”

Neil blushed. Hearing other people say he was a good father — he’d never seen himself like that. He was just doing what he had to, right? Nothing about what he did was special, right?

“Thank you. I mean, I do what I have to do, and I’m sure so will you. I never knew in the beginning what he wanted when he cried or how to hold him, but Aubrey just knew. I’m sure you will know what to do and if not, Andrew is the baby whisperer so just drop the little cubs here,” Neil quipped, but knew he meant it.

Andrew was great with babies and Neil ardently hoped some kids would get to enjoy Andrew’s dedication one day. He could see him, a kid or two running around this house, Andrew feeding them ice cream and imitating animal voices — he’d make a great father. Somehow the thought of not being around to witness it stung.

“Wow, that sounds so easy. They’re awake! Wanna feel?” Katelyn asked and patted a spot on her belly.

Neil hesitated but nodded, remembering the first time Aubrey had pushed his head to her belly and he could hear what one small moment of pleasure had created. He felt first, then listened, and was still mesmerized by life being able to grow in such a small space, the wonder of female bodies making room for a bunch of little beings just to be popped into this world in a painful procedure mothers endured with such bravery Neil had nothing but respect for.

“That’s incredible,” he said, eyes closed and ear pressed to her warm skin. “You know, you don’t have to be afraid. You’ll rock it, I’m sure. Plus, you’re not alone. Andrew is so excited to become an uncle. He even has a baby-safe house now,” Neil said and chuckled, sitting up again.

The two women laughed with him, Connor chimed in, too, and Neil thought to himself This is family; this is what home feels like.

~

Aaron wiped his hands on the plaid kitchen towel and leaned back against the counter top. Andrew rinsed the last pan and let the water run down the sink, avoiding his brother’s stare piercing a hole into his skull.

“What is it?” he eventually asked and faced his twin, sipping on a glass of Neil’s gifted whiskey.

“Maybe you can tell me,” Aaron said and sipped on his own, letting a finger dance over the rim of the glass.

“More precise, Aaron. Maybe we should talk about you first, how about that?”

“If you need that to talk about your own life, go ahead,” Aaron replied and huffed.

Andrew pursed his lips, but his curiosity won. He’d already prepared for Aaron’s questions, knowing that he wouldn’t miss the changes to the house or Neil’s presence at all. Not that he was prepared to admit anything more than being a friend of theirs. He didn’t even admit that to himself on most days.

“Do you feel ready? To be… whatever we never had.”

“A dad?” Aaron asked and studied his whiskey, his gaze drifting off to the middle ground. “No. No, not at all. Fuck, Andrew, I’m fucking afraid. This isn’t a cat or moving in with someone you love or getting married. This is forever. This being, these beings, will look at me and expect me to guide them and I never had that. There was only mo— Tilda, and I have no idea how that works. Nicky is the only man who came close to a father figure in our lives and damn, he tried but still.” Aaron pinched his nose and started rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. “What if I fail? What if I am like her or—“

Andrew stepped closer, not being able to stand his brother’s panicking any longer. He pulled him into his arms, resting his head on his shoulder like he did after their monster of a mother, who clearly didn’t deserve the title, had died in a car wreck and Aaron was broken, almost beyond repair, but Andrew had been there and Aaron had healed. They both had. Maybe more than Andrew had thought they’d be able to.

“Shh, Rin, it’s okay. You won’t be like her, okay? I know that you won’t. You’re not alone. It’s us.”

Andrew almost laughed at the words, feeling like there were a lot of dads around him recently needing this kind of reassurance.

Aaron deflated and patted Andrew’s back, the closest they ever got to a hug.

“I— Damn,” Aaron sighed and raked a hand through his hair, pulling out of the hug again, “I see you with him. With that kid and Neil, and you are so goddamn good at this, you know? That kid is walking around and you look at it and feed it and I can see you mean the world to that boy.”

“I am his babysitter. He’s turning two. Last week he beamed at the ice cream vendor like he meant the world to him. If I can convince him, you can convince your kids to love you.”

Aaron smiled a small smile and Andrew felt relieved. They had had their struggles, back then after Andrew had gotten out of juvie and started living with an abused and drugged brother that mirrored him in so much more than just his looks, but deep inside he knew Aaron meant everything to him. Seeing him in distress was never easy.

“What about you? What’s up with you and that guy?” Aaron switched topics and gave Andrew a smirk. “You’re handling his tot as if it was your own. You cook family dinners.”

“Oh, don’t come at me like that. I am a friend. Neil is nothing but a friend.” He can’t be. He won’t let me be. He doesn’t want something like that.

“A friend, sure,” Aaron scoffed and downed his whiskey. “A friend who looks disturbed the moment he realizes he missed your birthday? A friend bringing a duffel to stay overnight despite his apartment being three miles away? You have a fucking nursery, Andrew!”

“He’s not interested in something like that, Aaron,” Andrew snarled, downing his glass, too. “The last thing he needs is me.”

“So the last thing he needs is a man who’s caring, who cooks, provides a safe income, a nice house and some badass fatherly qualities, which by the way come out of the blue? I see the way he looks at you, Andrew. That’s not a look you give a friend.”

Andrew let Aaron’s words sink in and tried to swallow down the lump in his throat. Unsuccessfully.

“You can have that, Andrew,” Aaron said and clicked his tongue. “If you just wouldn’t deny yourself good things all the time. I never thought I’d say this but damn, you’d make a great dad. I don’t know why that little guy loves you or why that trucker-boy likes you, but you’re doing something right.”

Aaron grabbed his glass and put it in the dishwasher, ready to leave. As he turned to the door, Andrew harrumphed.

“You, too, you know?” Andrew said and tried to stop his eyes from watering. He wasn’t used to being acknowledged, being seen as more than a grumpy weirdo running a diner and living alone with a cat in a too big house. “You will make a great dad, I mean.”

“Thanks,” Aaron said and nodded, leaving towards the living room. Andrew’s thoughts and Aaron’s words tumbled in Andrew’s mind like the water in the dishwasher, trying to flush out all doubt that Andrew wouldn’t have to be alone forever.

~

When Andrew walked back into the living room, Neil had already been convinced by Katelyn to watch a movie with them before bed. He was tired from the tour which had taken him westwards for the past three days and was ready for a good night’s sleep.

Connor toddled over to Aaron as he strode in, hugging his leg with a screeching “Anduuu” that earned him a frown from Aaron. Aaron picked him up anyway and settled him on his hip, giving him what was supposed to be a smile.

“I’m not Andrew. I’m Aaron. Aa-ron.”

“A-wen,” Connor said and laughed, babbling excitedly as if he could see the difference just as much as Neil could. Aaron’s hair was a bit different from Andrew’s, his body not as buff, his clothes not as black. Neil couldn’t understand at all how one could think they were the same. Aaron carried Connor over to Neil and dropped him in his lap with a small snort.

Connor sat in Neil’s lap on the big sofa while Bee took the armchair and Katelyn snuggled up against Aaron on the love seat. Andrew took the only vacant seat, which was the one next to Neil, and put on Monsters, Inc. Connor squealed every time Randall was on screen and hid his face in Andrew’s chest. By the middle of the movie, Connor had finally crept into Andrew’s lap and fallen asleep with his face buried in the fabric of Andrew’s shirt, drooling peacefully while Andrew rubbed his back.

Neil’s chest felt tight at the sight, seeing Andrew so close to his son. Everyone eyed Andrew suspiciously whenever he tagged along, but Neil had yet to find out why. He’d never seen Andrew being unkind or rude, but rather supportive and loving. Maybe Andrew only shared this side with Neil, maybe the others were just blind.

Whatever it was, Neil could watch them both becoming close, Andrew acting like the proudest father, every single day of his life, but he wouldn’t and it hurt. Neil was used to losing things — not that he ever had good ones in his life except for some soft moments with his mother — but for once, losing would hurt, maybe even irreparably.

Neil felt exhaustion pull at his nerves, making him yawn every three minutes until Andrew nudged him with his elbow and nodded his head to the pillow by the armrest.

“Lay down,” he whispered when Neil obviously didn’t get the hint and blushed.

“You sure?” Neil wanted reassurance, knowing that if he wanted to stretch out, his feet would rest in Andrew’s lap.

Andrew rolled his eyes and nodded, pulling Neil’s feet into his lap while Neil rested against the soft, velvety pillow.

“I’ll take him to bed,” Andrew added, and continued rubbing soothing strokes into Connor’s back while his other hand fondled the skin at the nape of Connor’s neck. Neil nodded and felt sleep pulling him under to the image of Andrew and Connor, warmth spreading through his system and something like hope settling in his chest.

~

When the credits started rolling, Connor was sound asleep in Andrew’s lap and Neil on the sofa. It’s not like Andrew didn’t like the domesticity of the scenery — he was afraid of it. Afraid of feeling too much, afraid of wanting too much, afraid of losing too much.

“Thank you for the invitation,” Bee said and got out of the armchair to grab her jacket and keys. “It was a really great dinner.” She smiled at Andrew and hugged him tentatively to not wake Connor before she hugged Aaron and Katelyn, wishing both of them the best. She left with some leftovers Andrew had put in takeaway containers for her, and the house felt much emptier without her.

“Good night, Andrew. Thank you for dinner,” Katelyn said and supported her belly with one hand, the other caressing Aaron’s flushed cheek.

Andrew didn’t know when that had become a thing, but it wasn’t the first time he was jealous of Aaron recently.

“Good night,” Andrew replied shortly, watching his brother and sister-in-law walk down the hall to their guest room.

When the living room was enveloped by a silent peace, Andrew got up without moving too much, and watched Neil’s face. He looked peaceful, relaxed, contented. Andrew couldn’t and wouldn’t be the one to take that away from him. The plushy comforter on the armchair would keep him warm overnight, so Andrew pulled it down and covered Neil completely. Neil seemed to have perceived the warmth since he made an indecipherable sound and nuzzled the pillow.

Andrew shook his head in a silent huff, but smiled anyway as he switched off the light and carried Connor upstairs where he put him into the crib. Of course, the toddler scrunched his face and was about to start crying, so Andrew pulled off his shirt and prepared the twin bed before he picked Connor up again and settled in the bed.

It was almost too much, the scene a little too reminiscent of what Andrew had endured as a kid, bad memories lingering behind every corner in the gyri of his brain, but Connor liked the warmth of Andrew’s body so he let him snuggle up against his bare chest and hummed his favorite lullaby. The whining subsided almost immediately and turned into a soft sucking on the blue pacifier in the toddler’s mouth, leaving Andrew to his thoughts again.

When he was still awake an hour later, he decided to watch Connor sleep, his face illuminated by a stripe of moonlight breaking through the curtains and flooding the room with silverish light. The boy’s face was relaxed, pliant and as gorgeous as his father’s.

“You know lil’ crab, when you’re grown up, you’ll be a handsome human being just like your daddy. And you know what I hope? That you will grow up in a better world, a better place. I know that your daddy will do everything he can to make it happen.”

Andrew raked his fingers through Connor’s copper curls, gently massaging the little scalp. He was still asking himself how his foster father had been able to hurt a little boy in ways no person deserves to be hurt.

“Can I tell you something, lil cub? You can’t tell your daddy, but I wish I could help him. Help him protect you and himself until you walk out into this bad world on steady feet, maybe go to college or get married or not, and either would be fine.” Andrew sighed and rubbed his eye, feeling the familiar depression gnawing on his mind. “I really like him, you know? And I really—” Andrew hesitated for a moment, fighting to say the words he had stowed away a long time ago to never be let out again, “love you, you know? But Aaron’s wrong, your dad doesn’t want that and I will respect him. I don’t wanna lose him or you. I want you to be around every single day, but how could I tell him?”

Connor’s face didn’t even move. Of course not. What was Andrew expecting? To get a free therapy session from a toddler? He snorted at his own misery, feeling foolish in his attempt to sort through feelings he couldn’t admit were growing and growing day by day.

His mind didn’t let him sleep for another two hours, so he gave in and wiggled out of the twin bed without waking Connor, and made his way into the kitchen. The percolator’s hum had a soothing effect, almost lulling Andrew to sleep as he waited propped against the counter. A soft ching and the smell of freshly brewed coffee pulled him out of his stupor. Yawning, he was about to pour himself a cup when he heard the rustling sound of approaching footsteps from the living room, a very sleepy Neil coming into view. His dress shirt was rumpled and his trousers clung low on his hips. He looked every inch a model nonetheless and he didn’t even know it.

“Hey,” Neil rasped and rubbed his eyes, striding over to the counter on bare feet.

“Hey,” Andrew replied and poured a second coffee, which he pushed at Neil who was standing next to him now, mirroring Andrew’s stance. Andrew didn’t miss that Neil looked his fill, dragging his gaze over Andrew’s pecs and abs to the waistband of his sweatpants. Silence wafted among them, but contrary to his usual silent encounters with people, it wasn’t uncomfortable.

Neil took a sip and sighed, obviously observing the dark room, maybe looking for whatever ghosts had bereft him of his rest. “Can’t sleep?”

Andrew nodded briefly and added a dollop of caramel creamer to his too bitter coffee. “You?”

“Nightmare,” Neil offered and scrunched up his nose as Andrew took a sip of his sugary concoction and smacked his lips contentedly. “How can you drink that?”

“I guess my body is used to it by now. I mean how can you eat granola bars and fruit all the time?”

“Don’t you think that’s a bit different?” Neil said, his voice dripping with mischief.

A smirk split his much too beautiful face, making Andrew go weak. “Well, maybe.” Andrew shrugged and walked over to the fridge where he took a tub of caramel ice cream out of the freezer, scooping a generous amount into his coffee. Neil laughed. The sticky sweetness unfolding in Andrew’s mouth was absolutely worth it.

“If you ever dare to offer something like that to my son, I swear, Andrew—”

“Then what? Will I have to eat granola and smoothies for a month?”

“That sounds like a deal.” They looked at each other with earnest before their masks broke and Neil laughed again while Andrew at least offered a snort. A few seconds later, Neil’s gaze drifted into space, his forehead wrinkling. “Have you ever experienced something bad, and the person who caused it isn’t around anymore, but sometimes you can’t believe it?”

Andrew frowned, too. His skin started crawling, the feeling of hands and mouths on his body eliciting goosebumps and sending a shiver of horror down his spine. Not just one person. Too many. “Too many.”

Neil dragged his eyes back to Andrew, stared at him and nodded. “Do you have a cigarette?”

Andrew opened a drawer and pulled out his barely used package, having cut down on it quite strictly since Connor had come into his life. “Terrace.” On his way to the terrace, Andrew grabbed a jacket to put it over his bare torso, and a black hoodie he threw at Neil, both gearing for the cold.

Neil tagged along, following Andrew out into the night. Their exhales evaporated and drifted towards the clear starry heavens. Usually, South Carolina promised warm nights and even warmer days, but the leaves had turned brown recently and the nights started to get chillier and chillier with every passing day. Andrew shook out two cigarettes and brought the cherries to life, watching the smoke unfurl into the night air.

“Can I share something with you?” Neil asked and puffed smoke out of his lungs.

“Won’t hold you back,” Andrew replied but refrained from looking at him. “How about I give you something back? A truth for a truth.”

Neil kicked a fallen leaf around on the wooden planks until a breeze lifted it into the air and carried it away. “Deal,” he said, but didn’t say anything more, so Andrew nudged him. “Aubrey, she didn’t just pass.”

Andrew’s face remained still. He wasn’t really shocked; he had almost killed someone as a teenager himself. He had almost killed his own mother, but then destiny took her out of the game before he had been able to implement his plan. Neil seemed to have realized that no reaction was forthcoming, so he continued.

“I was eighteen when Connor was conceived. My father wanted me to “become a real man” if I wanted to be his successor.” Neil made air quotes to emphasize the ridiculousness of the phrase. “I’m sure you’ve heard of him as he was known as “The Butcher of Baltimore”.” Neil paused, Andrew nodded, contemplating and calculating how Neil had absolutely lied about his age. “I— You already know that I don’t develop feelings easily, but I knew my father wouldn’t let that slide. At least, I could choose whom I wanted to share it with, so I chose Aubrey. She was our housekeeper. Whenever my father had lost his temper, Aubrey had been there to comfort me, so I thought— I guess I mistook feeling safe for infatuation, so I asked her if we could… go through it together. She agreed and—”

Neil hesitated, clearly fumbling for the right words Andrew didn’t want to wait for. “You had sex,” Andrew said and took a deep drag on his cigarette before he ground the butt under his heel. Neil blushed. As if he hadn’t been constantly carrying around the living proof of that fateful night for the past two years.

“Yes. It was just one time, but six weeks later, she dropped an ultrasound picture into my lap. He was as small as a bean and I knew I was fucked.” Neil raked a hand through his curls, looking ten years older. His face was strained with sorrow and pain — the kind Andrew knew too well. “I knew we were both fucked. I told my father a month later. We couldn’t have hidden it anyway. I’ll never forget that day. He tore a gash into my abdomen with his favorite chef’s knife, so deep I can still feel a phantom pain whenever I stretch.”

Neil started fiddling with a loose thread on his sleeve, curling up in Andrew’s big black hoodie. Andrew knew he was fucked, too. An animal in the trap. Want. He had never wanted anything. Admitting he wanted Neil seemed impossible, yet he did it — at least to himself.

“Show me yours. I’ll show you mine,” Andrew said and let the fabric of his armband snap against his skin, wanting to erase the wrinkles from Neil’s gorgeous face.

“It’s ugly.”

“You’re alive. Nothing else matters.”

Neil slowly unbuttoned his dress shirt, making it incredibly hard for Andrew not to look, but Neil deserved the right to decide when to show his scars, so Andrew kept his gaze away.

“I told you it’s ugly,” Neil finally said.

Andrew’s eyes wandered over Neil’s torso, studying maimed skin like a topographic map while he suppressed the urge to reach out and worship every single line and distorted crater burned into tanned flesh.

“Don’t say stupid things,” Andrew said when he had his fill of Neil’s evidence of agony, and started peeling off his armbands. He watched Neil scrutinizing the neatly placed cuts, line after line, as if he was looking at an unsolvable puzzle. After what Neil had just shared with him, Andrew could understand why Neil seemed confused. It wasn’t like Andrew had wanted to kill himself. He could have; he hadn’t. Every cut had helped him stay alive, helped him make it to the next day, and the next, and the next, until an officer had mistaken his twin for him and his life had made a U-turn. Neil reached out but stopped short of touching him.

“Thanks. For showing me,” Neil said and swallowed, buttoning up his shirt as he started to shiver. “However. Aubrey is dead and so is my father. He got what he deserved. She got what she didn’t deserve at all. After Connor’s birth, I knew I had to do something. I knew we had to get away... but I... It took me until I watched my father slit Aubrey’s throat to finally grab Con and leave, but I made sure a bullet bore its way into my father’s skull first.”

Andrew let Neil’s words sink in, trying to find out what kind of reaction Neil was preparing for. “I would have done it.”

“What?” Neil frowned, mouth slightly agape.

“I would have killed him if he wasn’t dead by now. You did the right thing. Whether you did it yourself or not; he deserved nothing less.” Andrew shook out a second cigarette, needing something to kill the twitch in his hands. His past lingered above his head like the blade of a guillotine. It was only fair, though, to share a part of his past after Neil’s confession, to even things out and balance the scales again. “I almost killed my biological mother.”

Neil stopped buttoning the last button and looked at Andrew, something like disbelief gleaming in his eyes. When Andrew remained silent, disbelief turned into realization. Nothing more. Just realization and understanding, shared in a few glances, no words needed. “Biological?”

“I grew up in the foster system. Many homes, none permanent. Too many foster fathers or brothers who thought they needed more than words to show their affection. Too many unasked touches, you see.”

“Andrew, I—”

“Don’t,” Andrew interrupted. He didn’t need Neil’s pity or an apology from him when he had done nothing at all. Andrew didn’t get it anyway why people always apologized themselves for something they hadn’t done. “One day, a cop found my twin brother. Mistook him for me at a hotdog stall. My foster brother at the time had a wild imagination. Too wild for me to ever let him get to know Aaron. I made sure he’d never get to see him, instead I went to juvie. Two years ago, he died on duty. Military.” Andrew paused for a moment, flicking ash off the end of his cigarette, debating starting another one. “Alas, our mother wasn’t exactly what the term implies. Aaron was drugged to his eyeballs when I moved in with him and Tilda. I would have killed her to save him. A ghost driver beat me to it.

Andrew ground out the second butt next to the first, looking at the remnants like they belonged to the ashes of his past. He had talked to Bee about it a million times. It was over. Drake was dead. Neil’s father was dead. That was all they needed for a better future.

“We should go back inside. You’re freezing,” Andrew said and turned around, slipping through the sliding doors into the warmth of his house. It could be theirs. Don’t be silly, it couldn’t. He shrugged off his jacket and walked into his bedroom to grab a hoodie, quickly stopping by the nursery to pick up Connor and carry him downstairs, where Neil was already settled on the sofa again. Andrew threw the hoodie at him and grabbed a second comforter. The armchair was soft and warm against his bare skin, and Connor’s snoring was tempting like the lullaby from Connor’s stuffed sheep in his crib. Andrew gave in and closed his eyes, feeling the toddler’s chest rise and fall against his own.

“Andrew?” Neil’s voice was low and tinged with exhaustion.

“Hm?”

“Thank you. For being a friend. For being more than that.”

More than that. What was he? Family? A partner? It didn’t matter. As long as he would have small moments like these, Connor snoring against his chest and Neil on his sofa, Andrew would take whatever he could get. He wanted to tell Neil that he would be whatever he needed him, wanted him to be.

“You should sleep,” he said instead.

Neil hummed, and when Neil’s snoring aligned with Connor’s, Andrew allowed himself to close his eyes as well. At least until the morning sun would bring the next day and empty his house again. For now, though, they were here, and that was enough.

Chapter Text

December rolled around and Palmetto slowly fell into a kind of hibernation-like quiet. Although snow was still a rarity in the sub-tropical climate of South Carolina, the shops started to decorate their windows with all kinds of Christmas frills. Christmas jingles blared from the radio wherever Neil went and he even promised Andrew to take a tour with him to Columbia to visit a Christmas market. Andrew spoiled Connor with hot chocolate and a big Belgian waffle, while Neil stuck to chocolate-covered fruit sticks (which were still much too sweet, but it made Andrew happy so Neil put up with it), and all in all, Neil felt more settled than ever.

Nonetheless, one issue overshadowed the otherwise peaceful winter time: Neil still hadn’t found a new apartment. Their current one had recently turned out to be anything but winterproof with the heating giving up more than once and the small patch of mold slowly growing into a decent wall carpet.

When Andrew came over to pick Neil and Connor up for their weekly trip to the park — yes, they had established a weekly trip to the park, so Connor could feed ducks, and yes, it had been Andrew’s idea — he called Neil out on his bad living situation.

“There’s mold in your bedroom, right next to Connor’s crib,” Andrew said soberly, and it was damn sobering.

“I know, I’ve been looking at apartments since October. I just can’t find one that is affordable and vacant. I had one, but the guy told me he liked kids in a way that felt off,” Neil replied while he boxed dried bread and refilled Connor’s sippy cup with tea.

“I won’t let you and the lil’ crab here sleep in this room any longer. You two can live with me.”

“No way,” Neil huffed and put the boxes in the diaper bag. “No way, Andrew. You’ve done more than enough for us already, and I won’t move in with you with a toddler in tow.” Neil had the feeling protesting would be absolutely futile, but he was damn ready to fight Andrew on this.

It wasn’t like he didn’t want to move in with him — actually, living with Andrew would be amazing, especially with Connor liking the man more than anyone else — but Neil didn’t want to impose. Andrew was single, Andrew was gay, Andrew would find someone to date sooner or later and the last thing Neil needed was another sting in his chest he couldn’t even really pin down. He knew something was off recently, really. He knew it since he’d been at the diner and some pretty boy had left his phone number scribbled on a napkin for Andrew. Something in him had raged, had set him on edge, and he didn't know why. Andrew wasn’t accountable to him. Living with him would hurt, because he would be gone sooner or later anyway.

“Don’t be stupid, Josten. Your kid is basically living there already, so why not? I mean, yeah, you’re a nuisance, but so is Kevin, and he crashes on my sofa, too.” Andrew pulled out a pack of cigarettes and settled on the window sill, watching Neil roam about the kitchen. His lips betrayed his stern look with a small smile playing at their corners.

“I’ll think about it,” Neil said, more to shut Andrew up than actually meaning it. “Let’s go!”

Another five days passed until Connor caught yet another cold and Neil was stuck in his apartment, about to freeze to death with a whiny Connor cuddled up against him beneath three blankets. Andrew had promised to stop by after his shift at the diner to supply them with soup.

The doorbell rang at six in the evening, startling Neil out of his TV-induced lethargy. Connor had fallen asleep well over thirty minutes ago, and Neil hoped ardently he wouldn’t wake up from hearing Andrew’s voice. Andrew walked in with a big food container in one hand and a stack of still folded moving boxes in the other.

“Chicken & Noodles. Is he asleep?” Andrew asked without wasting time on a proper greeting, and walked over to the bedroom where Connor was sound asleep in the box-spring. It was one of the things Neil liked the most about Andrew — he never beat around the bush.

“Fell asleep about thirty minutes ago,” Neil answered from the kitchen, reheating the soup on one of the two burners. “He whined all day, so try to not wake him up.”

Out of the blue, Andrew was propped against the doorframe, watching Neil stir soup. “So now I need dad’s advice, while he reheats the soup I made? Interesting.” Andrew’s smile promised mischief, and elicited a snort from Neil.

“Okay, okay, surrogate dad. I get it.” Neil filled three plates with soup and put them on a tray with some more tea for Connor and a bottle of Andrew’s favorite beer Neil started to have in the fridge at all times. “What are they for?” Neil asked when he walked by the moving boxes which sat in the entrance.

“Moving boxes are for…?”

“Moving?”

“Bingo! Moving.”

“Are you moving?” Neil frowned, fighting with his suddenly constricted lungs to keep on breathing.

“Oh, Neil. I sometimes ask myself why I put up with you. You. Are. Moving.”

“Oh.” Neil had banked on everything, but not that. “So you meant that? That we should move in?”

Andrew took one of the boxes and started unfolding it, packing the stuff from the living room. “Do I really need to repeat myself?” Andrew mumbled, putting a pile of Connor’s books into the box before he blew a strand of fair hair out of his face. Somehow, Andrew seemed to look different recently, or maybe, Neil was looking closer. It was harder to look away these days. “Yes, Neil. Otherwise I wouldn’t have offered it. I already told you you two are moving in with me. My brother already sees you as family, so don’t look like a surprised Bambi and go feed yourself and our little fella.” He dumped another pile into the boxes and started working his way around the shelves while Neil only shook his head and settled back in his bed. Our little fella .

The soup tasted fantastic, as usual. Neil had gained a whole ten pounds since he had started eating at Andrew’s, and his jeans were getting a bit tighter day by day. It was like eating at grandma’s, the smell of roasted meat and potatoes or fresh fruit salad with some whipped cream — the taste of familiarity, of closeness, of home . Not that Neil ever had a grandma-experience, but he was sure that was what it was all about.

When the soup was all eaten up and Connor awake and freshly diapered, Andrew had packed most of their stuff and started carrying all of it down to his car. When he came back, Neil ferried his son over into Andrew’s welcoming arms to pack their duffels with the rest and dumped everything by the door once he was all set. For Connor. He was doing it for Connor, and Andrew was offering it for Connor, too. It had nothing to do with Neil at all. With a last look into their first own apartment, Neil stepped into the stairway and looked at Andrew with Connor’s face nuzzled into Andrew’s chest. Andrew’s house was so much more than Neil would have ever expected to live in, but Andrew wanted them to live there. Wanted him and his son. Wanted all of it without getting something back. No strings attached. No need to run .

Turning the key didn’t hurt at all.

~

It turned out that living with Andrew was helpful in more ways than one. Not only was Neil saving some money on rent, but he was also saving time by not having to run around town dropping Connor off before leaving for work, only to do the same thing when he got home and had to collect him again. There were little amenities too, like always coming home to a fully stocked kitchen and a home cooked meal.

With Andrew taking care of the shopping, cooking, and even sometimes laundry, Neil’s days off were no longer about catching up. Now, he got to spend quality time with his son, and occasionally his new roommate. He felt bad that Andrew was doing so much so that after Connor went to sleep every night, he tidied the living room and did the dishes, and on days he was home, he vacuumed and cleaned the bathrooms while Connor napped.

Andrew was truly incredible. When Neil was gone, Andrew managed to take Connor to daycare four days a week, then go to work, pick him up from daycare, take him home and cook him a full meal, then bathe him and put him to bed. On Neil’s days off, Connor stayed home from daycare, and Andrew made sure his days off and Neil’s didn’t align perfectly so he could keep Connor home an additional day every week. On top of suddenly being a full time parent and owning his own restaurant, Andrew managed to keep his house in perfect order. Even if Neil didn’t get around to some chore or another on his days off, Andrew always managed to.

Somehow they fit together perfectly as roommates. Andrew hated folding laundry, so Neil did all of it for the three of them. Neil was a terrible cook, so Andrew cooked everything despite the fact that he did that at work, too, and probably didn’t want to come home just to keep working, but he insisted it didn’t bother him at all and Neil wanted to believe him. Andrew liked to keep his house tidy and Neil found that he did, too, now that he had the time to relax. There was something special about relaxing in a clean living room with a candle burning.

They found out little quirks about each other, which only made Neil grow more fond of Andrew. Neil realized that while Andrew did get up early every morning, both for work and for Connor, he liked to sleep in when he could. One night, Andrew walked in on Neil standing in the middle of the kitchen eating baby corn straight out of the can and made fun of him for almost a week. While watching late night TV during a sleepless night, they bonded over making fun of couples buying houses on some home design show.  

Despite only being there for a few weeks, it was the most at home Neil had ever felt, and it was the first time he truly felt like he was providing a home for his son. The house he’d grown up in had never been a home, and the places he’d stayed in between Aubrey dying and landing in Palmetto hadn’t been anywhere near acceptable for raising a child. Even the apartment he’d kept in Palmetto for six months had never felt like more than a place to sleep.

Neil had mentioned offhand the date of Connor’s birthday one time or another. He honestly couldn't remember when it had happened and he never expected Andrew to either, yet as the date got closer, Andrew brought it up time and time again. The first time was a simple ‘Con’s birthday is soon right?’, the next time was a ‘Do you have any plans for Connor’s birthday?’, the third and fourth times were more of the same. Eventually, the fifth time Andrew straight up called him out on it.

“Your son’s birthday is next weekend, what are you going to do about it?” Andrew asked, giving him a look that said there was definitely a wrong answer to the question.

“Umm...” Neil hesitated — he had no idea what he was supposed to say — “well, he didn’t have a first birthday party because his mom had just died and I was a bit busy trying to keep us safe... but umm... I’ve never celebrated my birthday before, I don’t see why it’s a big deal.”

Andrew rubbed his hand over his forehead and sighed deeply. “You are a walking travesty, Josten. It’s a moment to celebrate your son and his life. Instead of making it about his birth, make it about all the joy he brings to you.”  

“He’s turning two, it’s not like he’s going to remember it,” Neil said. He still didn’t understand what the big deal was. When he was younger and surviving another year was a miracle in and of itself, he understood celebrating his birthday. While they never had done anything special, he had taken a moment of silence every year, but now? Now he was safe and sound, with a good life and good friends, there was no reason to stop and congratulate himself for enduring another 365 days. There was definitely no reason to do so for Connor.

“Seriously?” Andrew sounded annoyed for once. “You will remember it. I will remember it. All of your friends will remember it. How often do you take the time to truly appreciate your son?”

“Recently?” Neil asked. Since being sick and getting a few good days to slow down and bond with Connor, he’d been thinking a lot more about how lucky he was to have a happy, healthy, living child when it so easily could have turned out the other way. “Recently, I’ve been doing that a lot.”

“Good,” Andrew said, slightly smug, “then you understand why we’re throwing a party on Sunday.”

Andrew pulled out his computer and made Neil pick a theme for the party, as well as a cake design and several food options. As they planned the party, Neil realized he hadn’t gotten a gift, yet. He had the tendency to buy Connor something whenever it caught his eye and he always gave it to him immediately, so the boy regularly got small gifts.

When he pointed it out to Andrew, the man pulled up a new tab. He’d bookmarked a page about a wooden play kitchen. Neil laughed when he saw it; if he wasn’t careful his son was going to turn out more like Andrew than himself, not that that would be a bad thing. He looked over the site carefully, skimming some good reviews with people claiming it lasted through years and multiple children, and it was completely made out of wood and metal, no plastic anywhere. It was absolutely perfect, the only problem was that it cost nearly two hundred dollars and Neil didn’t have that kind of money to spare on a few days notice, especially not so close to Christmas.

“Split it with me,” Andrew said, “I’m going to buy it anyway.”

“You can’t do that, you already do too much for us. I’ll pay for it,” Neil said as he recalculated his phone bill and car insurance in his head to figure out how he was going to do it.

“I believe the options I gave you were split it with me or I buy it myself,” Andrew said. Neil tried to argue but Andrew cut him off. “It’s my money; I can do what I want with it.”

Neil rolled his eyes. “Fine, I’ll split it with you, BUT it has to be fifty-fifty.”

“Okay, but I’m paying for expedited shipping. It has to be here for the party,” Andrew said as he started the process of purchasing it.

“I said fifty-fifty, Andrew. Of the total cost, including shipping,” Neil said sternly.

Andrew waved a hand, shooing him off. “Whatever. Go away, I have work to do.”

The rest of the week went quickly for Neil. He got switched from a quick trip on Friday to an overnight trip. In the past he would have had to say no because finding a babysitter the day of was almost impossible, even with all the help he had, but now it was all settled with one quick phone call home to Andrew. Once he got back in town, Neil rushed through his paperwork and taking care of his mandatory tasks, so he could make it home in time to put Connor to bed. Unfortunately, even when he hurried, his truck upkeep took a good hour and he wasn’t on the road again until after 7pm.

He pulled into the driveway and saw that the house was already dark, meaning Connor was likely in bed. He and Andrew had agreed to set up for the party when he got home, and he was looking forward to that, but he had really wanted to kiss his baby goodnight one more time before he officially turned into a two-year-old.

Now that they were out of survival mode and living a happy life, Neil had started to notice all the little changes Connor had gone through. He’d lost a lot of the chubbiness in his cheeks, and his legs had started to thin out, too, as he grew and started running everywhere. In the last few months, his language had started to really boom, and the doctor had said that was just the beginning. Neil felt like he’d somehow missed the change of his baby turning into a big boy. Before he knew it, he'd be off to school and leaving him behind while Neil would hit the road to save up for Connor’s college tuition.

Careful not to make any noise, Neil unlocked the door and entered the house. He dropped his overnight bag on the bottom step and headed into the kitchen to grab whatever meal Andrew had left in the oven for him. About half way into the kitchen, he heard soft singing coming from the dark living room. Neil paused for a moment to see if Andrew had left the radio on, or if it was really his little makeshift family, with Andrew long meaning more to him than just a friend.

As he walked into the living room, Andrew looked over to him while the bundle cradled in his arms started to wiggle. Connor looked up at him sleepily and rubbed his eyes. Neil smiled at him, glad he was awake. He walked over to them and sat on the couch, shoulder to shoulder with Andrew, indulging in the warmth radiating off of the man as they sat pressed together. Connor leaned over to him, resting his head on Neil’s shoulder and sighed. When he settled there, Neil ran a hand through his hair and kissed his forehead, catching Andrew watching them a little awestruck, as if an epiphany was taking place right before his eyes. Neil offered him his warmest smile, a silent thank-you for Andrew’s devotion where he could have easily resigned. The sight had to be funny, Neil thought, with Connor half in Andrew’s lap, half leaning over his arm to get to Neil, like the kid symbolized the adults’ growing bond.

They sat in silence for a few minutes while Connor drifted off to sleep in his precarious position. Andrew started moving before Neil would have liked, but he didn’t argue. He slid his arm out from under the child and carefully put him in Neil’s lap.

“Here dad,” he said, making Neil huff out a laugh, “you can put him to bed. I’m going to go get the supplies from the garage.”

Neil carefully boosted Connor up so he could get a better hold on him and then stood up as slowly as he possibly could. Getting Connor from the couch to the crib was like walking a minefield; one wrong move and everything could blow. Andrew always made this part look easy when he just picked him up and carried him to bed like it was no big deal.

In the nursery, Neil kissed his son one last time before he laid him down to sleep. It was almost time to stop calling it a nursery, Neil realized. Him and Andrew had talked about converting the crib into a toddler bed, and Neil knew they’d start potty training before his next birthday. Strangely enough, Andrew didn’t even bat an eye whenever they were talking about the future, as if he were as convinced as Neil that they would spend it together, although Neil knew it was more pretend than intention. It really was time to admit that the baby phase was coming to an end, and Neil had no idea why it was making him so emotional. Instead of trying to sort through what he was feeling, Neil blamed it on the poor night’s sleep in the truck and went downstairs.  

He found Andrew in the kitchen wrestling with the flat pack box the play kitchen came in. Putting it together was easier than expected. After hearing Kevin complain about how difficult Andrew was to work with while putting the crib together, Neil had expected a nightmare, but Andrew was a blessing to work with. They handed each other tools back and forth without ever having to talk, and somehow they always knew what piece the other needed. It didn’t even take half an hour for them to have it perfectly assembled. Neil wanted to put it in the living room, but Andrew said it should go in the kitchen. There was a perfect spot for it at the end of the cabinets, so Andrew moved it there just to show Neil. They stood back and looked it over.

“Okay, fine, you’re right. It looks great there,” Neil admitted.

“Finally, the man has gained some sense,” Andrew said. He grabbed the drill and anchored it to the wall so it wouldn’t fall over if Connor ever tried to climb on it, which would probably happen as soon as he saw it.

“Are you sure it won’t be in the way?” Neil asked. While it did fit surprisingly well where it was, there was no way the toys that were bound to be used with it would stay on the shelves. Neil had visions of toy foods and plastic plates scattered all over the kitchen floor.

Andrew didn’t even look up at him as he tested the bracket in the wall. “Maybe this way he’ll learn to cook before he’s twenty and won’t have to rely on some random diner owner.”

“Is that a dig at me?” Neil asked as he rolled his eyes, but grinned anyway.

“No, of course not,” Andrew said, looking just a little bit playful, “I would never.”

Next up was decorating the house for the party. Andrew pulled out the cake and started frosting it, while Neil hung up streamers with the help of a ladder. He complained that it was hurting his back to reach up so high, but Andrew pointed out that Neil just happened to be three inches taller, so it would be even harder for him to do it. He also didn’t fail to mention that Neil was about to turn twenty-one and not eighty next year, which made Neil snort and flip him off.

“Next year we’re getting Matt and Kevin to do this,” Neil said after he’d finished hanging everything up. “What’s the point of being friends with giants if they’re not even useful?”

Andrew gave him a weird look, making Neil realize he’d just implied they’d be doing this together again a year from now, meaning he’d still be living there in a year. Neil felt his face heat up and he knew he had to be bright red. Instead of commenting, Andrew turned away and continued with his work.

The frosting on the cake was perfectly smooth. It was white with orange speckles along the sides, while the top was all white with a bright orange fox in the middle. Andrew had perfectly piped ‘Happy Birthday Connor’ around the fox. Neil noticed there was another small cake next to it, in the same colors, but with a plastic fox instead of a frosting one.

“What’s that one for?” Neil asked.

“It’s a smash cake,” Andrew said. He picked up the big one and Neil got the fridge door for him.

“What’s a smash cake?”

Andrew gave him a look that screamed “Don’t be an idiot.” “It’s a cake that is meant to be smashed.”

“Okay?” Neil asked, still not understanding what it was for.

“While everyone else gets to eat a piece of the big cake, Connor gets his own tiny cake that he can tear apart.” Andrew said it like it was a normal thing Neil should know about.“ He’s two and toddlers are known for making messes and smashing up food.”

Neil nodded. “Okay. Why can’t he just smash up a piece of the other cake?”

“Because he’s the special Birthday Boy and he deserves a special birthday cake.” Andrew rubbed his temples like he had a huge headache. “It’s a thing, okay? Look it up. Normally smash cakes are for first birthdays, but whatever. Close enough.”

With the cakes in the fridge, there was nothing left to do but get a good night’s rest for the long day tomorrow. Neil went to sleep, thinking about how much effort Andrew was putting into the party. Not only did he refuse to let Neil buy a cake, but instead had made two from scratch and decorated them to bakery standards. The kitchen was Andrew's space, everyone knew that, yet he chose to put the play kitchen in there, knowing Connor would be spending a lot of time with it. All this just reminded Neil of how amazing Andrew was. The man went out of his way to make everything perfect for a party that Connor wasn’t even going to remember, but then again, Andrew had most likely never had something like that as a kid himself, so he maybe was trying to make up for something others had missed when he had turned two.

The morning of the party started out later than Neil had expected, with Connor not waking him up until 7:30. He woke up to cheerful babbling coming from the room next door. It was still weird to sleep alone every night, but with Connor having his own room now, there were a lot less instances of waking up in the middle of the night for both of them.

Neil climbed out of his bed and tiptoed to the door, opening it as quietly as possible. Andrew was already in the hallway. Standing outside the nursery door, he held a finger up to his mouth to shush Neil. Neil crept closer so he could hear better, and smiled when he heard Connor saying “vroom vroom” and crashing his toys together. Andrew and Neil stood together in the hallway listening to him play until he called out ‘dada dada’ and then “Andu, Andu”.

Slowly, Neil cracked the door and stuck his head in. The night before, Connor had been wrapped in a blanket so he didn’t get to see what he was wearing, but now Neil saw his fox face pajama pants and his onesie with a fox tie printed on it. Neil rushed over to the crib, lifting his laughing toddler out and peppering him with kisses. Showing affection through gentle kisses was slowly becoming easier for Neil, with Connor squeaking and cackling whenever Neil snorted against Connor’s soft skin.

“How did you sleep birthday boy?” Neil asked, not giving Connor a chance to answer as he tickled him.

When he turned to grab a diaper, he saw Andrew leaning in the doorway, and smiled at him. Once Connor was cleaned up, the three headed down to the kitchen. When he caught sight of his new play kitchen, he struggled to get out of Neil’s arm, until he finally set him down. Neil watched as he ran over to it and started opening and closing all of the doors and drawers.

“Oh okay,” Neil said as he walked to the stove, “since you're busy I’ll just make some eggs all by myself.”  

Connor looked up at him with a very concerned look on his face. “No Dada.”

“No eggs today?” Neil asked.

Connor ran over and pushed his legs, making him step away from the stove. “No Dada. Andu do it.”

Neil gasped and tried not to laugh. He turned to Andrew and saw the man covering his mouth with his hand, clearly trying not to laugh, too.

Andrew walked over and picked up Connor. “See, even your son knows you’re a bad cook.”

Neil couldn’t hold back his laughter anymore, and laughed until he could barely stand up with Connor joining in, too.

“I have never been so betrayed in my life,” Neil said when he’d caught his breath.

Andrew set Connor down and got to cooking while Neil pulled up a stool to watch. Connor ran into the living room and grabbed a toy plate and his stuffed duck and pretended to cook until breakfast was ready.

After breakfast, they took turns at showering, while the other played with Connor. They decided to let Connor pick out his own outfit, instead of forcing him to wear something fancy, and he picked out his favorite dinosaur overalls and a dino tee to match.

The first guest knocked just before 10am. Neil opened the door to find Matt and Dan with Josh. As usual, Matt greeted Neil with a bear hug he was overfond of reciprocating. As he let them in, he saw Bee’s car pulling into the driveway. He stood in the doorway and left the door open for her, despite the fact that Andrew usually yelled at him to close it. When she got to the door, Neil gave her a quick, awkward hug and sent her to the living room to greet everyone else. Neil followed after her after making sure there were no other cars about to pull into the driveway. 

In the living room, the two toddlers were playing by themselves while Bee already had Dan deep in conversation. Matt was wandering around the room, pressing on the tape for the streamers to secure it better. Neil walked over to him first.

“I really should have had you put them up in the first place. It took me forever,” Neil said.

“Oh man, I bet!” Matt laughed. “It looks amazing in here, though. Y'all did this by yourselves?”

After some deliberation, they’d gone with a forest theme. The streamers were in shades of green and Andrew had put cardboard cutouts in the shape of trees in the corner with Connor’s play tent in front of them. The dining room had one banner that said “Happy Second Birthday, Connor”, and another one that had felt fox, raccoon, and bear faces on it. The dining table was decorated with various animal paper plates, each with a felt mask of the animal in front of them. In every room, Andrew had put a woodwick pine scented candle, giving the whole house a forest vibe. It was a beautiful sight and Neil was incredibly glad that Andrew had talked him into it.  

“Honestly, this was all Andrew,” Neil said smiling to himself. “All I did was pick a theme and help him set up.”

“Man, I’ve never seen Andrew like this and I’ve known him for years,” Matt said, giving Neil his biggest smile. “He really cares for y'all.”

Neil nodded, “Yeah he’s a good friend.”

Matt gave Neil a knowing look and patted him on the shoulder. “Sure bud, he’s just a friend. I’ll keep that in mind” 

Matt left Neil alone, confused, and standing in the corner. While Andrew had become part of his little family, he really wasn’t more than an amazing friend. In the same way Matt and Dan had become part of his family, too. Neil didn’t see why Matt had given him that look, or why he’d spoken so criptically.

Shrugging it off, Neil turned around and joined the party. The only open seat was next to Andrew, so he sat with him and watched the little boys play. The cat took up his post on Andrew’s lap, as usual, only this time Connor looked extremely upset by it. He ran over and tried to hit the cat, but Andrew intercepted his hand at the last second.

“Gentle Connor, we don’t hit,” Andrew said.

Connor looked up at him and stomped his feet. “My Andu!”

“You can share, little bear.”

“Mine! My Andu! Mine!” Connor called as he tried to shove the cat away.

By this point the other adults were looking over, too. Dan looked at Neil like he was supposed to do something, but Neil left the situation to Andrew. He didn’t want to undermine his authority in Connor’s eyes.

Andrew picked Connor up and sat him on his lap, next to the cat, holding both of his hands so he wouldn’t be able to hit her again. “See, you can both fit.”

Connor leaned back against Andrew with a stern look on his face. “Mine.”

“Yeah?” Andrew asked. “Is it hard to share?”

Connor nodded his head and nuzzled against Andrew, who then let go of his hands.

“Sir is your friend, right?” Andrew waited for him to nod again before continuing. “Yeah. Do you think it makes her happy when you share with her?”

“Yeah,” Connor said softly.

Andrew ran a hand through his hair and kissed his forehead, the sight making Neil’s chest warm.

“Yeah, sharing makes her really happy and hitting makes her really sad.”

“No hit?” Connor asked, turning in his arms to look at Andrew.

“No hitting.” Andrew brushed a curl from Connors eyes and gave him a small smile. “Okay, why don’t you go play with Josh now? Look, he’s waiting for you.”

When Connor ran off, Andrew struck up a conversation with Bee, dispelling the silence of the room. Neil got up to get a drink and Matt followed him into the kitchen.

“Holy shit,” Matt said looking shocked, “Andrew’s so good with kids.”

Neil raised an eyebrow. “Yeah I told you that when he started watching Connor.”

“But like, he’s incredible! I thought he’d be like “Here’s an iPad, go watch a movie”, but he’s like Bee level good.” Matt laughed. “Do you think he’d be cool having a play date with Josh when you’re gone? Dan and I could both learn a thing or two from him. That would have ended in a tantrum at our house.”

“Ummm... I don’t know. You’d have to ask him,” Neil said.

The doorbell saved him from more awkward conversations with Matt. Neil opened the door to find Kevin with both of his boyfriends and his father. He greeted them cheerfully and led them to the kitchen to put their gifts down before leading them into the living room. Each of them was carrying their own present, which was slightly concerning. He didn’t want to give Connor too many new toys at one time.

With the added guests, there wasn’t enough seats for everyone, but they made it work. Wymack took up the seat next to Dan and Bee that Matt had just left, while Jean stole the recliner and Kevin took up the seat next to Andrew. Jeremy and Matt crawled over to the toddlers and started chasing them around the room. Connor ran over to where Neil sat on the floor for protection, screaming when Neil just tickled him and sent him off. Next he ran to Andrew, who was nice enough to pick him up and hug him, keeping him safe from the chase.

“Won’t daddy protect you? Good thing you have me, right?” Andrew said and accepted one of Connor’s sloppy kisses before letting him down again.

Neil felt a tug at his heart at the sight. He blamed Connor’s birthday for making him so emotional, because that was the second time in just half an hour that he’d felt something magical in his chest while watching Andrew interact with his son.

The little boys started to wind down quickly enough, so Dan and Andrew went upstairs to tuck them in for a nap, after they had eaten a quick lunch. The special place settings in the dining room were for dinner, and Neil was looking forward to the meal. Somehow, the large group wasn’t bothering him as much this time. He didn’t know if it was because he felt at home in Andrew’s house, or if it was because of the calming presence Andrew had.   

The group chatted about how each of their Thanksgivings went, then their plans for Christmas and New Years. It was the first time in a long time that Neil was able to plan that far ahead. He and Andrew had already planned to have a small Christmas get-together with Aaron and Katelyn, much like Thanksgiving, and Andrew had mentioned some plans for New Year’s as well. Everyone else had huge Christmas plans, and Neil enjoyed listening to them talk about their family traditions, not even falling into sadness at the lack of fond Christmas memories from his childhood. Well, the lack of any fond memories at all, really.

When the boys woke up a couple hours later, it was time to get the party moving. They turned on some music and everyone had a little dance party with the children while Neil and Andrew brought out the cake. Andrew insisted that the order had to be cake, then presents, then dinner. They served the cake in the kitchen because it was the easiest place to clean up the frosting mess that the toddlers were sure to make. Neil stripped Connor down to just his diaper and put him in his highchair. Everyone sang to him and then he blew out his candle, after several tries.

Andrew was right about the smash cake — Connor loved it. He used the toy fox on top to help him dig through it, and in the end, more of the cake ended up on him than in him, but at least he had a lot of fun. Neil had a lot of fun watching him, too, and he couldn’t remember the last time he had smiled quite as much. Everyone loved Andrew’s cake. Neil even had a small piece and had to admit that it was probably the best cake he’d ever had. Andrew refused to share the recipe, so Bee asked him to make her one for her next birthday, which Andrew agreed to.    

After the cake, and a quick wet wipe bath for both of the children, they headed back into the living room to do presents. Neil sat on the floor with Connor in his lap and a huge stack of presents in front of them. The only present Neil got him was the play kitchen, but he saw Andrew’s name on one of the boxes in the pile and realized Andrew hadn’t done the same.

Connor reached for Bee’s present first and handed it to Neil.

“Like this.” Neil tore the corner of the wrapping paper and handed it to Connor.

The tot handed it right back to him, looking at Neil with big puppy eyes as he begged, “Dada do it.”

“Did you try?” Neil asked him. Connor nodded and Neil almost laughed. “Try and try again, then I’ll help.”

Connor grabbed at the corner Neil had torn and startled when it ripped just from him touching it. He laughed and did it again, this time tearing a long piece off. When he realized there was something cool inside, he went a little bit faster, grabbing at the paper with no hesitation. It didn’t take long for him to get through the entire stack. He got new books and stuffed animals from Bee and Wymack, wooden blocks from the Wilds-Boyds, and an outfit each from Jean, Jeremy, and Kevin. They wanted to have a competition to see whose he liked more, but they all had animals on them so Connor ruined their plans by loving them all equally. Andrew had gotten him a basket of wooden foods to go with his new kitchen, and showed Connor every single item necessary for baking pancakes. Neil thanked everyone and tried not to tear up with his heart overflowing with the love all of his friends peppered his son with. 

By the time all the presents were unwrapped, and the few toys he’d gotten were unboxed, it was time for dinner. Andrew had made more than enough food for everyone, and the table was covered in incredible dishes, significantly fancier than what he normally served for dinner. Before they could eat, Andrew made everyone put on their felt masks and they took a group photo, with Matt operating the camera because he had the longest arms. Neil was glad Andrew had thought of that because he wanted to be able to remember every detail of the day forever. He made a mental note to print the picture out to put it on his nightstand.

They all kept their masks on throughout dinner, even when the kids managed to cover theirs in food as they ate. Neil laughed when he saw Connor’s little fox face with sauce on his ears. He hadn’t expected to enjoy the party, let alone have fun with it, although he should have known Andrew would find a way to surprise him.

When dinner was finished, the adults kept their masks on while Andrew pulled out two clean ones to give Connor and Josh. He truly had thought of everything.

Bee and Wymack made Andrew and Neil take the kids to the living room while they roped everyone else into cleaning up the table and doing the dishes. Andrew argued with Bee for a moment, something about being particular with how he did his washing up, but Bee assured him she’d see it done right.

In the living room Neil and Andrew sat on the floor building towers with the boys using Connor’s new blocks. After about half an hour, Neil started to get suspicious, so he turned around to look at the dining room and saw Matt leaning in the doorway.

“The kitchen’s all clean,” Matt said with a grin, “I think everyone’s about ready to leave, though.”

Matt walked over and picked up his son after telling him to say bye-bye to Connor. Neil stood up to walk him out and saw Andrew pick up Connor to follow. In the kitchen they all said their goodbyes and well wishes for the holidays.

As soon as they were all gone, Neil laid down on the couch, happy but exhausted. He watched as Andrew sat in the recliner with Connor, who turned to him and raised his eyebrows in question.

“Sir go?” Connor asked, looking very concerned.

“Where did Sir go?” Andrew copied. “I don’t know where Sir went. Where do you think she is?”

Connor climbed down and started looking around the room, calling for the cat as he went. Neil smiled as he watched; his little boy was truly something special.

Turning to Andrew, Neil sighed and gave him a softer smile. “Thank you for doing this. I understand why it’s so important now.”

Andrew glanced at him for a moment, then looked back at Connor. “No problem.”

“No, I’m serious, thank you,” Neil said as he sat up. “This was all you. You gave Connor the best birthday party ever and you showed me how many people truly care about us. So thank you, you’re amazing.”

“You’re welcome,” Andrew said after a long pause. He looked like he wanted to say something else, but he turned away to help Connor look for the cat instead.

When the cat was located, Andrew sat on the opposite side of the couch from Neil with Connor in between them, and started a movie. Sir settled on Andrew’s lap and Connor let her without complaining, as long as Andrew held his hand.

They spent the rest of the night relaxing together, watching movies and playing with Connor when he got bored of the screen after a few minutes. At bedtime, they each read Connor a book and put him to bed together.

Neil remembered that his father had never read a single story to him. His mother had put him in her lap at times, singing or reading to him. Neil had some fond memories of his mother, and he deeply missed her at times, but he didn’t have a single good memory of his father, and he hoped Connor would have plenty of Neil later in his life.

Outside of his room, Neil took a moment to thank Andrew once more as they said their goodnights. Andrew rolled his eyes and told him the other two times were enough, but his fidgeting and averted eyes betrayed his cool demeanour. They both went to their own bedrooms, and Neil had to admit that he felt a little lonely after a day surrounded by people. If he was honest with himself, he would have admitted that it was Andrew who was missing, but Neil had been raised to be a liar. And wasn’t the truth an ugly thing anyway? He forced himself to fall asleep rather than let his mind wander off to Andrew, Andrew, Andrew.

Chapter Text

The few days until Christmas flew by for Andrew. Between juggling the restaurant, Connor, and planning a family Christmas he had almost no time to himself. The restaurant was booming with all the college kids home for the break, which meant that he was able to give the few employees the extra hours they had asked for before the holidays. Andrew had been smart the first year he’d opened the restaurant when he’d closed the diner for both Christmas and Christmas Eve. The first year, people had been surprised, but he’d kept it up anyway, and by now all the regulars expected it.

Andrew braved the mall with Connor the day after his birthday party to get the last few gifts for everyone. He was in charge of the stockings from everyone and needed to buy both Neil and Connor one so they wouldn’t be left out. Neil was the only person he also had to buy a present for on the trip. After thinking about it for awhile, he decided on a cookbook as a joke and a Dunkin' Donuts gift card with a high balance to get him through his long haul shifts.

The indoor decorations went up as soon as everything from Connor’s party came down. They’d saved the tree cutouts and banners to decorate Connor’s nursery, and Andrew paid the neighbor kid fifty dollars to hang up the lights for him outside as soon as winter break started.

On Christmas Eve, Andrew spent the morning cleaning and finishing all the preparations for the big event. He had the stockings loaded up, the gifts wrapped, the food prepped, and cookies cooling down so they could be decorated later.

A little before Connor would have normally woken up by himself, Andrew gently lifted him out of bed and loaded him into the car so he could pick up Renee and Allison from the airport. The ride started out peaceful as Connor dozed off again, but he woke up a few minutes in and started screaming. Given that he fell asleep in his own bed and woke up strapped to a car seat, Andrew could understand his frustration. However, there was little Andrew could do to soothe him from the front seat while he drove. The airport traffic was ridiculous, with a twenty minute drive taking nearly forty-five and feeling like ninety with Connor screaming that he was stuck and wanted out of his seat.

By the time Andrew made it into the parking lot, he had a splitting headache and two tired women waiting for him. He’d called ahead and explained the situation to Renee so they were waiting on the second level of the garage where he parked right next to them. Renee greeted him with a warm smile as he unbuckled Connor and started to rock him. Allison looked annoyed by the tantrum, but she was smart enough to keep her mouth shut.

Andrew threw Renee his keys and let her drive them back. He ended up having to sit in the middle of the backseat, holding Connor’s hand and talking to him to keep him happy. The traffic on the return drive was barely a problem, but Renee still offered to take Connor over to Matt’s so Andrew could get a few hours to himself. Andrew texted Neil about the situation and assured him that Renee would bring Connor home so he didn’t have to.

Being home alone had become a rare thing for Andrew. He relished it by taking a nap on the couch with Sir and then cooking a nice steak with potatoes and a salad for Neil. The young father had been taking up as many extra shifts as he was legally allowed despite the fact that he’d gotten back on track after those sick days a couple months ago. Andrew wanted him to take a real break for the holidays, not minding spoiling Neil to the fullest at all.

Andrew set the table with his nicest place settings. He’d gotten expensive dishes, silverware, and place mats as a group gift from all of his ‘friends’ when he had bought his house. They had said he needed something fancy for special occasions, and now they could finally come in handy. He finished off by lighting two candlesticks and adding two wine glasses for the best bottle of red wine he could find in his pantry.

It wasn’t a date, in any way, shape or form. It was simply a way to let Neil know he was appreciated. And for both of them to get a chance to really relax. No date. Andrew hadn’t had a Connor free night since they’d moved in and he seriously doubted Neil had had a night free of both work and child care duties in months, if ever.

Neil got home just after six, right after Andrew pulled the steaks from the stove. It was perfect timing for Andrew to look like a 50’s era househusband and god, he liked it. He liked being this for Neil. He had an apron on, half the food on the table, and was holding a plate when Neil walked in, eyes tired and back slouched. Neil took a moment to look Andrew over from head to toe and back again before he raised an eyebrow. His eyes suddenly shone with something Andrew hadn’t seen before, and if he hadn’t known better, he would have called it want. Andrew had about two seconds to worry if it was all too much before Neil smiled at him.

“What’s all this about?” he asked as he dumped his bag by the stairs and drank in the mist of aromas swirling through the kitchen.

Andrew set the plate down and took off his apron. “We are child free for the first time in ages, let's have an adult meal. You’re too thin, you need some good, hearty food.”

Neil snorted but followed him into the dining room, grabbing the last plate. He asked Andrew how his head felt and hit the lights when he said he still had a headache. It took Andrew a second to process what had just happened. He was sitting at a candle light dinner with the man he’d been silently pining after for months. The flickering lights did nothing to dull the color of Neil’s eyes, or the sharpness of his cheekbones. Andrew swallowed when Neil caught him looking and smiled at him. They both stared for a moment, until Andrew broke the moment and grabbed the wine bottle. He expected Neil to decline, but the man surprised him and accepted, with the caveat of just one glass.

Andrew filled Neil in on the latest news from Aaron. Apparently the babies were doing great and they were expected to make it to the thirty six week mark. Aaron was so happy, he’d cried when he’d called.

“So, are you and Aaron closer now?”

“Well, I’m closer to his bank account than to him sometimes,” Andrew deadpanned and popped a potato in his mouth.

“Oh,” Neil said and took a sip of his wine, cheeks slightly flushed and eyes frantically scanning his plate.

“Don’t look like that. We’re better, we’re doing okay. I finance his med studies with the diner. I have long accepted that he’ll be the academic twin while I will bake pancakes for lost truckers with their mini-mes until I am six feet under.” Andrew shrugged, reminding himself that regret was futile. There was no sense in grieving for something he couldn’t have, may it be studying or Neil.

“I’d say every trucker dad would be happy to hit your diner, but then I’d be admitting we’re not special,” Neil quipped and chuckled, leaning back in his chair. Andrew watched him as he threw his head back and stretched his body, his shirt riding up a tad. God, somehow Andrew started sweating. The wine. It was definitely the wine.

Back to eating, Neil asked about how long Nicky and Erik were going to stay with them, having skipped Thanksgiving so they could take a long vacation and help with the newborns for a little while. They went over the plans for the next day, discussing everything from naps and outfits to cooking and dishes.

As they ate and talked, it stopped feeling like a first date and started feeling more like a regular domestic dinner. Like they’d been together for years and this was just a normal part of their relationship. Andrew tried not to think about how nice that would be. He knew it wasn’t a date, it never could be.

“Have you ever dated?” Neil asked, almost like he had read Andrew’s mind.

Andrew took a sip of his wine and eyed Neil for a moment. “A bit.”

“What’s that like?” Neil leaned forward, moving one of the candles out of the way, giving them a clear view of each other in the dim light.

“I’ve never been in a serious relationship,” Andrew said. He debated how much he wanted to tell Neil. The man had always been completely open with Andrew, so he felt like he could return the favor. “I hooked up with Roland from the bar across town for a while. Went on a few dates with guys from a few towns over, but never made it past the second or third one.”

“So you’ve had sex?” Neil asked. Andrew tilted his head, recognizing that it was a big jump from what he had said. Neil seemed to realize he was being rude and continued, “I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant. Well, it is but I didn’t mean to say it like that. It’s just... You know what, forget it. I’m sorry for ruining your nice dinner.”

Andrew almost laughed. “No Neil, I haven’t had sex. At least not in the way you’re thinking of.”

A pink tint filled Neil’s cheeks, quickly spreading to his ears. Andrew was sure it would be nicely coloring his chest, too. He imagined how that would look for a moment, then stored the image for later.

“What?”

“Hands and mouths work just as well,” Andrew said, enjoying watching Neil squirm. The man may have brought up the topic, but he did not look comfortable discussing it. “Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know... No reason I guess,” Neil said. He rubbed the back of his neck and looked toward the doorway.

“Neil, something’s clearly on your mind. Spill!”

Neil sighed and leaned back in his chair. “It’s stupid.”

Andrew managed not to roll his eyes, but it was a close call. “I won’t judge.”

“I just feel like my first time didn't count. I know everyone’s first time is a bit awkward, but I didn’t enjoy it at all and I wasn’t even comfortable enough to let her see me.” Neil ran a hand through his hair, avoiding looking Andrew in the eye. “I’ve been thinking about it... like maybe trying again... but who would even want to touch me? I’m really not attractive and my scars will probably scare people away.”

“I would,” Andrew said after a few seconds of silence, quickly downing his wine. He cursed himself for being so vulnerable and letting Neil get to him. The second it took Neil to respond was nerve-wracking.

Neil looked at him and smiled sadly. “Thanks.”

The front door opened then, interrupting what Andrew wanted to say. He didn’t have the words planned out yet, he was going to say them in whatever order he thought of them, but he needed Neil to know how beautiful he was. Neil got up to see who it was and the moment was gone.

He sat alone at the table until Neil came back from the nursery where he’d put Connor into bed. Renee waved goodbye from the kitchen doorway. She tilted her head and raised an eyebrow at him when she saw the set up, her eyes already sending a wave of questions in his direction he’d have to answer sooner or later, but definitely not now.

Neil handed Andrew his keys and said Matt was taking Renee and Allison to the hotel before he started clearing the table, obviously putting an end to their dinner. Andrew finished his second glass of wine, then Neil’s since he’d only taken a few sips. Andrew could really use it after a day like that. They cleaned up together in silence with Andrew waiting for the tension to grow between them, but in the end, it wasn’t as awkward as Andrew had expected it to be. Neil’s mood had changed, he seemed sad and Andrew didn’t know what to say to help. Honestly, Andrew didn’t think there was anything he could possibly say that would help.

When they were finished, Andrew grabbed both of their jackets from the front door and headed for the terrace. The sky was clear and a million tiny dots of light were scattered across the big, blue night like someone had pinned a swarm of fireflies to a big, dark blue cloth that enveloped the earth. Neil followed him and let out a sigh when the cold air hit his face.

Andrew leaned against the rail and pulled two cigarettes out of the pack, putting them in his mouth one at a time to light them. He handed one to Neil, before taking a real drag of his own to let the acrid smoke and tar cover his lungs and indulge in the comforting sting. He watched as Neil placed his lips where his own had been just seconds before, then chastised himself for it. After a couple drags, Neil looked over at him.

“I don’t remember not ever having scars,” Neil said looking up at the stars. “Even in my earliest memories I had a few.”

The statement didn’t warrant a reply, and Andrew doubted Neil wanted to be pampered with truisms like ‘I’m sorry’, so he remained quiet and let Neil think out loud.

“You know what’s really fucked up? Not all of these are from my parents. Some of them are from their friends.”

Neil told him the stories behind a few of them. The longer Andrew listened, the angrier he became, but Andrew was careful not to show it. Neil didn’t need pity or anger, he needed someone to talk to, and Andrew was overfond of being Neil’s shoulder to lean on. When Neil was done, Andrew told him a few more things about his own past, in significantly less detail. He mentioned silent dinners and neglectful foster parents, and appreciated that Neil spared him an unnecessary exchange of niceties.

They headed inside after finishing their second set of cigarettes and went straight upstairs. Andrew stopped outside the nursery door and listened for a moment, then headed in to check on Connor. It had become his normal nightly routine before bed, and seeing the kid sound asleep gave him a kind of reassurance that more and more often kept his nightmares at bay. Neil followed behind him and they both stood at the end of the crib, watching Connor sleep for a little while.

On the way out, Neil still looked sad, and Andrew still had no idea what to say to make it any better. He’d never seen Neil quite this way, even when they had talked about Aubrey dying or other parts of their pasts before.

“Good night, Andrew,” Neil said as he reached for his doorknob, but didn’t turn it yet.

Andrew shifted his weight from foot to foot, feeling like he didn’t want the night to end like that. He wanted to send Neil off to bed with a boost in self-confidence. “You know I meant it. At dinner. You aren’t ugly. Only a few people have gone through what you had to go through, so they should shut their faces.”

Neil smiled a shy smile, a small blush creeping up into his cheeks again. “You don’t have to say that to make me feel better, Drew. I know the truth. I see it whenever I look into a mirror.”

“You survived. Your scars should remind you of having made it out alive.” Andrew took a small step forward, wanting to leave Neil enough space and time to draw back, but he didn’t. Andrew’s eyes wandered to Neil’s lips, thinking about how they would feel on his, but it would feel wrong now, so Andrew leaned over and stopped before Neil’s cheek. “Yes or no, Neil?” he whispered, and swore he could hear Neil’s heart beating in his throat. When Neil nodded, Andrew leaned in and kissed Neil’s cheek, soft and gentle, with no other intention than making Neil realize how beautiful he was.

“Good night, Neil,” Andrew said as he eventually pulled away, not wanting to pressure Neil into something he didn’t want at all.

As he walked to his own bedroom, he listened for Neil’s door, but he never heard it. He resisted the urge to turn around, knowing that Neil was looking at him. Neil’s face had felt warm and soft on his lips, so innocent. Andrew put the latter conversations out of his mind and focused on how Neil had looked at the beginning of their dinner. How Neil had looked him over when he first got home. How Neil had leaned over the table, slowly getting closer as they talked.

Andrew headed straight for the bathroom and turned on the shower. He turned it as hot as he could stand and undressed as it warmed up, taking a good look at himself in the mirror. Stepping under the spray, he let his thoughts wander back to Neil. Blue eyes, soft cheeks, scarred abs, and a cheeky smile filled his mind while he let his hand wander downwards. With every stroke his mind convinced him of Neil’s beauty more and more until all tension was relieved and he could go to bed, letting his dreams take it a bit farther.

~

As much as Christmas really was not Andrew’s thing, it was Nicky’s. Andrew’s loving cousin who’d moved to Germany to be with his husband Erik always made it back for the holiday season. Andrew was thankful he was staying with Aaron this year because he could only handle so much of the man’s happy attitude before he wanted to punch something. He was also thankful that Nicky and Erik were staying with Aaron and Katelyn for a little while as they made the leap into parenthood. The four of them were set to arrive around 4 pm, after spending the morning with Katelyn’s family about an hour away.

Andrew woke up and grabbed Connor on his way downstairs where the two of them cooked breakfast. Andrew stood at the stove and Connor at his little kitchen, filling Andrew’s chest with pride. Neil wandered down as Andrew was plating the food, so he dished Neil some, too, and they all ate together. They let Connor go play while they washed the dishes in a silent interplay, just like any other normal family except for them not being one. As they finished, Neil looked around and pointed at the thing hanging from the kitchen doorway.

“What’s that?” Neil asked, looking half asleep and confused.

“Mistletoe,” Andrew answered curtly and stacked the plates on the shelf. “Nicky will hang it up everywhere if I don't have one up when he gets here.”

Neil laughed brightly, his mood from last night forgotten. “What the hell? I always thought that was a joke. That stuff’s real?”

Andrew nodded and Neil moved to stand right under it. He looked up at it and laughed again.

“What’s the point of it?” he asked.

Slowly Andrew walked over and stood right in front of him. “You’re supposed to kiss if you stand right under it.”

Neil gasped and looked down at Andrew’s mouth. When he looked back up to his eyes, Andrew made a point of looking down to Neil’s mouth and then back up to his eyes. They stood there just a few inches apart while the moment dragged on, and the air grew thick with an awkward tension. Neil tilted his head down and leaned forward a bit, then Andrew tilted his head up slightly. Just a few more centimeters and they’d be kissing.

Neil looked from Andrew’s eyes to his mouth one more time, then finally leaned in. Just before their lips touched, something soft touched Andrew’s hand and he startled. Neil quickly leaned back as Andrew looked down, cheeks tinted with a bright red.

Connor was standing by his leg smiling up at him, trying to hand him a fuzzy sock. The tension in the room broke as Neil laughed. Connor started laughing, too, and at that point, Andrew had to join in with a small chuckle. He was almost sure he imagined Neil looking down at his mouth for a second as Andrew laughed, but then they made eye contact and Andrew knew it had actually happened.

~

The knock on the door came at exactly 4 pm and Andrew wondered if they had been waiting outside or if they actually arrived at the perfect time. He suspected they had waited. Neil was setting the table and Connor was standing at the bottom of the stairs trying to reach the cat on the other side of the baby gate, so Andrew opened the door and was greeted with four smiling faces.

Nicky looked like he was about to say something, but he caught sight of Connor and changed course. “Oh my god, is this the little boy I’ve been hearing all about for months?”

Connor looked up at him with big wet eyes, clearly frightened by his outburst and ran toward the kitchen, likely to find his father. Andrew looked over to his cousin and rolled his eyes at the apologies coming from his mouth.

Since Andrew knew how much it meant to Nicky, he let himself be hugged, and then shook hands with Erik as they said their hellos and dropped their coats onto the coat rack. He greeted Aaron with a tense hug, not missing how Katelyn’s eyes went misty at the sight. Andrew patted her on the back as she walked by and he heard her sniffle. Pregnancy hormones mixed with the holidays were probably the cause of it, he thought.

Erik looked around the entryway, pointing out all the new improvements, like gates on the stairs and protectors on the plug-ins, while Nicky gushed about the decor and the ‘incredible’ lights outside.

Andrew was saved from the conversation when Neil walked in carrying Connor. The boy tried to hide in his father’s shoulder, but Neil introduced himself and Connor anyway, smiling as Nicky swooned. They went to the living room to talk for a while, sitting next to the decently sized Christmas tree, which had no ornaments lower than three feet.

Erik laughed and nodded toward the tree. “Environmental storytelling, I see. Let me guess, Connor pulls all of the bobbles down if he can reach them?”

“Between him and the cat, it’s a miracle the thing’s still standing,” Neil said with a grin.

Aaron stood up saying he was going to get the presents, and Andrew followed him, walking out to the car together in silence. Aaron opened the trunk while Andrew looked over the car. He kicked the tires and examined the oil change sticker, scrutinizing the vehicle as if he were a car mechanic.

“Do you need an SUV or a minivan?” Andrew asked when he was done, dragging his eyes over to his brother. He wasn’t great at vocalizing his feelings, but he was good at spending his money in ways that showed how much he cared. “More room for babies.”

Aaron looked up at him, flabbergasted. “Andrew no, you do too much for us already.”

“My money,” Andrew shut him up, leaning against the frame. That was always his answer when people turned down his offers of help.

“I appreciate it, I really do,” Aaron said looking a bit uncomfortable, “but let's see how this car works out before we jump into a big purchase, okay? If we need something bigger, I promise we will ask.”

Andrew rolled his eyes, and pushed himself off. “Suit yourself.”

“Make yourself useful and help me carry this in.” Aaron took out a box filled with wrapped presents and handed it to Andrew before grabbing a couple gift bags and closing the trunk.

Inside they found Nicky and Katelyn deep in conversation with Neil about newborn care.

“Honestly, multiples is a completely different situation,” Neil said, looking over to Andrew and smiling when he walked in. “I doubt any of my advice will be useful. Except skin to skin, that’s always a good idea.”

Aaron sat down next to his wife after putting the bags under the tree, while Andrew sat next to Neil, putting the box down next to his feet. Nicky looked between Andrew and Aaron and smiled, sharing looks with Erik. Andrew could tell that he was thinking that Neil was his boyfriend and he didn’t want to start a scene by correcting him in front of everyone. From his perch sitting on the arm of the recliner where Erik was, Nicky was beaming with Christmas spirit.

“Okay enough small talk,” Nicky said as he clapped his hands together. “It’s time for presents.”

Somehow Andrew was roped into passing everything out. He sorted through the box at his feet, then the gifts under the tree before turning to a box hidden behind the recliner and passing out the stockings. The next few minutes were quiet, with the only sounds being produced by tearing paper, as everyone dug through their stockings. Neil asked Connor to sit on the floor in front of the couch and they dumped his out in front of him.

Surprisingly, the child was the last one done. He put so much focus into ripping the paper and laughing that he barely noticed the goodies inside. Connor’s laugh was contagious as always and everyone was laughing with him soon enough.

“Oh, he’s so precious,” Katelyn said after she caught her breath. “Can you believe that there will be three of them next year?”

“Three?” Nicky asked, looking confused.

“Yeah, Connor and our two,” Katelyn smiled. “That will be so cute! Connor can show them the ropes.”

Andrew could already imagine it. A three year old Connor sitting with two almost one year old babies showing them how to rip open presents and run around the house like they owned the place. Andrew thought of them in a few years getting into all sorts of trouble as they played together. He had to admit it was a pretty picture. Connor with two little cousins he could play with and look out for as they all grew up. There was really no point in indulging in this particular fantasy, Connor wasn’t his kid and Neil would be in a new apartment by then, but he couldn’t help it.

Nicky pulled him out of his thoughts as he made Erik open the first present. He wanted them to go in a round, opening one and then the next person opening one, but not everyone had the same number of packages, so Andrew made the executive decision to just have them all go at once.

Connor ignored his own in favor of attempting to climb into Andrew’s lap, babbling excitedly. Andrew let him struggle a couple times then held out his hand so the toddler could pull himself up.

“Help,” Connor said.

“Oh you’re going to help me? Thank you,” Andrew said as he held out one of his own presents for Connor to open. He felt every set of eyes in the room on him, but ignored them all in favor of watching Connor.

When all the presents were opened and all the thank-yous were exchanged, Andrew asked Neil to help him get the food. Instead of Neil, Nicky jumped up and followed him into the kitchen, giving Andrew another headache in anticipation of what was to follow.

“How long have you two been dating?” Nicky asked, lowering his voice so no one else would hear. “When did he move in? Aaron said you two were just friends at Thanksgiving.”

Andrew grabbed the ham from the oven and started carving it. “We are just friends. His apartment had mold and Connor kept getting sick so he’s staying here until he finds a new one.” Better be delusional before he raised hopes. He knew how much Nicky wanted him to get into a serious relationship. Neil was the first person Andrew wouldn’t have minded to delve deeper with, but as lucky as Andrew was, Neil wasn’t up for that. Miyard-luck, he guessed.

“Andrew, come on. I’m not blind. If you don’t want to tell me that's fine, but don’t lie to my face.” Nicky looked serious as he spoke. Probably the most serious Andrew had seen him since Tilda died.

“I’m not lying. He doesn’t want that.”

“He doesn’t? Wait, does that mean you do? Oh, Andrew.” Nicky had that tone in his voice like his heart was breaking and Andrew hated it. The other man moved like he was going for a hug, but stopped himself.

“Don’t make me ruin Christmas by kicking you out,” Andrew said, pointing his carving knife at Nicky.

Nicky grabbed a serving dish to take it to the table, but turned around before stepping through the door. “I’m here if you ever need to talk, you know that right?”

Andrew waited until he was almost out of the room before he spoke up, “I know.”

Nicky didn’t turn around but he did nod, showing Andrew he heard him and was willing to drop the subject for now.

Dinner was a bright affair. As they ate they caught up on what was happening in everyone’s life. Erik talked about work and his family, while Nicky talked about how excited he was to be in the states and how they were thinking about getting a dog when they went back to Germany.

Aaron and Katelyn showed some new pictures of their nursery and asked Neil for some car seat installation advice. For the most part, Andrew sat back and watched. It surprised him how easily both Neil and Connor fit into his family. Connor babbled along with the conversations while Neil and Aaron chatted about fatherhood as if they had known each other for ages. Nicky caught Andrew watching Neil at one point, so he spent the rest of the meal avoiding looking at him again.

After dinner, Neil took Connor upstairs for a bath while they all did the dishes. Somehow the conversation stayed away from Neil, and Andrew was thankful. Instead, they discussed Katelyn’s birth plan and how Aaron wanted him to come visit as soon as he could after the birth. They weren’t allowing any visitors for the first two weeks, other than Nicky, Erik, and Katelyn’s parents, but they said Andrew could be on that list if he wanted to be.

When Neil came back downstairs, he was carrying a half asleep Connor and the dinosaur book. He walked straight into the living room and Andrew followed, after telling the other four not to. Neil sat on the couch and Andrew sat next to him, as close as he could be without touching him. Connor climbed over into Andrew’s lap while Neil opened the book for Andrew to read. They traded off, each reading every other page as Connor snuggled closer to Andrew and slowly closed his eyes.

“I’ll take him up,” Andrew said after they finished the book and the tot was definitely asleep.

As he stood, he saw Aaron watching from the doorway and flipped him off. Aaron just smiled at him, with a content look on his face before he turned around. Andrew wondered if he was imagining himself in the situation, carrying his own son to bed.

He laid Connor into his crib after kissing him goodnight, and watched him sleep for a little while. Andrew enjoyed watching him until he was interrupted by a light knock on the door. Aaron entered and came over to stand next to him, then they both watched the little boy sleep.

“Do you really think I can do this?” Aaron asked, voice barely above a whisper.

Andrew patted his back, knowing that his brother was far fonder of physical reassurance than he himself. “I know you can.”

Silence stretched on until Aaron nodded and strode out, waiting for Andrew to join him.

Together they went back downstairs and joined the group for a drink before they packed up to leave. The goodbyes were short and sweet. They would all be seeing each other in less than a month when the twins were born. Andrew gave Katelyn a side hug as she left, and wished her a good birth, which made Aaron smile the biggest smile Andrew had ever seen on his face. Nicky teared up a bit, and even Erik looked affected as he smiled at Andrew. Neil offered them all a handshake and told the soon to be parents he knew they were going to be great.

When Andrew collapsed onto his bed, covered with his duvet and the reindeer socks Neil had gifted him for Christmas on his feet, he felt something like peace settling in him. There were two people in his house, and for once he didn’t bother at all. These people were family, something he wanted to care for. If it had to be just as Neil’s best friend, he’d gladly take it.

A few sips from his tea made his lids heavier and heavier, until his breathing evened out. His last thought was just one thing: This had been his best Christmas ever.

Chapter Text

The next few days passed a lot like the run up to Christmas. Neil worked and came home to Andrew and Connor, while Andrew somehow ran the house. For the last few months, Neil had been one of the main truck drivers who did overnight runs instead of the shorter day trips because that’s what he was hired to do. Now, he was thinking of talking to Wymack about switching to the shorter trips so he could spend more time with Connor and help more around the house, even if it meant going with a lower income. Neil hadn’t talked to Andrew about it, but he was thinking of bringing it up in January, right after the New Year’s Eve party. 

After seeing Andrew plan Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Connor’s birthday, Neil shouldn’t have been surprised by Andrew’s capabilities, but he still was. Andrew pulled together enough booze to outdo a bar and enough sparklers to cover the next three years, at least. Neil watched in awe as Andrew switched the house from Christmas to New Year’s in just a few days. 

By some miracle, or Wymack’s great intervention, everyone had the night off. Andrew closed down the restaurant after lunch and by 6pm the house was packed. Robin had shown up a few hours early to help Andrew prep the food, and Neil hung out in the kitchen with them while Connor played chef. It was nice to see Andrew get along so well with someone else. Since Andrew had matched his shifts with the times Neil had come into the restaurant, Neil didn’t know Robin well. He asked about how they liked their job and how Andrew was as a boss, until he was kicked out for being a distraction. 

Renee and Allison arrived next, bringing card games and cupcakes. Neil sat with them and asked about what Andrew had been like when they all first met. Allison was a willing gossip, mentioning how grumpy he’d always been, but Renee just sent Neil a meaningful look and a subtle smile. Neil had no idea what that meant or why, and he ended up missing his chance to ask as the doorbell rang. 

With Wymack and his wife Abby came a bump in the noise level. Wymack’s booming voice had once set Neil on edge, but now he found it endearing. Abby had taken a liking to Connor when they had first met many months ago, but they didn’t see each other very often and Connor still played shy for a few minutes every time they met again. The little boy, or big boy as he’d taken to calling himself recently, ran to the stove and hid behind Andrew’s legs when Abby tried to play with him.    

“Hello little fox, do you need anything?” Andrew asked as he picked Connor up.

Connor shook his head and hid in Andrew’s shoulder, playing peek-a-boo with Abby who was standing behind them. Neil watched with a smile as his son giggled in Andrew’s arms. Renee caught his eye again and tilted her head. He needed to know what she was thinking but was stopped when Wymack asked for an update on Aaron and dragged the whole room into a conversation. 

Kevin, along with Jean and Jeremy, interrupted a few minutes later. Abby had just gotten Connor to play with her when Jeremy asked if he could join in and caused the tot to run back to Andrew and hide behind his legs again. This time, Andrew let him be and Connor started playing peek-a-boo with Jeremy. 

Neil laughed as he watched Jeremy try to coax Connor out, only to have Connor stick his tongue out at him. Andrew carefully stepped away from the stove and Connor ran to keep up with him. The entire countertop was covered in light dinner foods and snacks, more than plenty for the large group to survive the evening. Neil handed Connor a baby carrot, which he accepted happily and started munching on as he followed Andrew around the kitchen. 

Andrew picked him up and sat him on the counter, sending Neil a glare. “What happened to the rule about sitting down while eating?”

“He’s fine,” Neil said and rolled his eyes.

“He could choke,” Andrew said, sounding annoyed. 

Neil wanted to argue, but a voice behind him stopped him in his tracks.

“He’s right, you know,” said Bee.

“I’m always right.” Andrew stuck his tongue out at Neil, which made Neil smile, then turned to Bee. “So glad you could make it.”

As Andrew announced that people could grab food and sit wherever they wanted since the dining room wouldn’t hold this many people, Neil smiled again. He thought the crowd might bother him, just like it had at Matt and Dan’s barbeque, but it didn’t. At first he thought it was because he was in what felt like his home, but as Andrew looked at him and raised an eyebrow to check in, Neil realized it was actually because of Andrew. Andrew made Neil feel safe and secure, even in anxiety inducing situations. 

Matt and Dan arrived as everyone ate, filling the house to capacity. Neil looked around the room at all of the people he’d grown to accept as his friends over the last almost seven months. He tried to chat with Jean about something or other, but neither of them could focus on the conversation because Jeremy was sitting on the floor playing hot wheels with Connor. Neil felt so proud of his son, and as he looked over to Andrew, he saw him watching with a proud expression on his face, too, which made his heart skip a beat in ways it hadn’t before. 

Neil nodded toward Jeremy. “He’s good with kids.”

“He loves people,” Jean said, barely sparing Neil a glance.

“Yeah, and you love him so you put up with it.”

Jean laughed but nodded, and smiled to himself. “Bon, perhaps I do.” 

Their conversation was interrupted by Kevin, who came over and sat on the arm of the couch, leaning over to kiss Jean’s cheek as he also watched the playing pair. Jean whispered something to Kevin, making him laugh and Neil visualized himself and Andrew bantering just like the couple next to him. Neil had never felt the desire to be with someone in that way before nor had he ever thought about falling for someone in a romantic way, but even he couldn’t deny any longer that Andrew was so much more to him than just a friend or roommate and that he wouldn’t mind exploring a bit more than friendship with him. Certainly, Andrew wouldn’t want him , though, so Neil decided to leave Jean and Kevin to watch their boyfriend while he got up to plate himself some snacks and make tea.

He found Renee alone in the kitchen as he went in to make Connor a bottle of tea for bed, knowing it was going to be hard to get him down with so many people there. 

“Hello,” Renee said cheerfully.

Neil flinched and scrutinized the woman by the buffet, like some wanderer falling into a stare down with a rattle snake lurking behind a rock. “Can I ask you a question?” Neil spoke up, and waited until she gave her approval to continue. “You keep looking at me like you know a secret I don’t, what’s that about?”

“Ahh yes.” Renee smiled and walked toward the door, patting his back as she passed. “That’s not mine to tell. But, if you think about it, I bet you already know.”

She left Neil standing in the kitchen more confused than he had been before he’d asked. He made the tea as he thought about what she could have possibly meant. Neil didn’t know any secrets that she could also know. Why did she have to be so cryptic?

As he entered the living room, Neil ran into Andrew leaving with a whining Connor in his arms.

As he pulled his lips into a smile he felt the tension leave his face and body. Andrew did that to him — making him relax, feel safe, feel cared for. Neil held up the bottle and stroke his son’s cheek. “Perfect timing.”

The two walked upstairs together and put Connor to bed as per their new routine dictated. A few minutes after they had gone back downstairs, the baby monitor started crackling with Connors cries, and Neil had to go upstairs and soothe him back to sleep again. He had to sit and rock Connor for longer than normal, since the noises from the party carried upstairs and the boy was overtired. 

After fifteen long minutes of Connor not closing his eyes, Neil sighed and wanted to give in just as Andrew stepped into the nursery. He made his way over to the rocking chair Bee had gotten them a week ago from one of the flea markets she loved to visit, and sat down, imitating Connor’s crab move with his arms stretched out. It had been Andrew’s idea to install the rocking chair in the nursery — something Neil found incredibly soft about the otherwise tough and edgy man.

“He just won’t sleep,” Neil said and got out of his armchair, walking over to Andrew. “I tried everything. Singing his dinosaur songs, rocking him, tea, the pacif—”

“Have you tried skin to skin contact?” Andrew asked, and pulled off his sweater, now sitting in the chair bare-chested and with only his armbands on. Neil let his eyes wander over Andrew’s pecs and abs, feeling a kind of uncomfortable heat rushing through his body as his throat went dry. Even Neil could tell Andrew was a looker. “See something you like or are you having an aneurysm?” Andrew asked with an eyebrow raised, and made Neil blush like a sun-ripened tomato. 

“Eh, sorry,” Neil mumbled and quickly ferried Connor over into Andrew’s arms, watching as he cradled the boy to his chest and started humming a lullaby. Miraculously, Connor calmed down within a minute, and five minutes later, he was sound asleep in Andrew’s lap.

Neil felt bad about Andrew being better with his son than himself, but Andrew didn’t deserve any envy or jealousy, so Neil swallowed it down and tried to be happy that Andrew wanted to help Connor. “Thank you.”

“Don’t be stupid, Neil,” Andrew said, and put Connor into the crib, gently kissing his forehead. “Night, my little cub,” he whispered, barely audible and yet loud enough for Neil to catch it.

And just as sudden as Andrew had come, he was gone again, and Neil was left alone with a pile of new feelings he had to sort through.

As midnight came closer, everyone gathered around their significant other on the terrace, wrapped up in blankets and with champagne glasses in their hands. Jeremy looked incredibly silly as Jean and Kevin sandwiched him in their midst, with both men on the sides being much taller than the small sunshine boy, but all three looked comfortable and blissful, so Neil just smiled when Kevin looked over, and cuddled himself into the blanket he had all to himself. If he wouldn’t have minded sharing it with Andrew, no one needed to know. 

Andrew displayed the most beautiful fireworks Neil had ever seen, clearly making their neighbors blush at their lame attempt at illuminating the night sky. Andrew had even thought of buying a cannon which pinned the new year’s date onto the starry heavens. It was incredible, and Neil felt like a small child oohing and aahing every once in a while. 

When all the fireworks were used up and three bottles of champagne were emptied, they all went back in to start the party with Renee and Allison transforming Andrew’s living room into a dance floor. The booze and food slowly got used up, and Neil enjoyed watching his friends — no, his family — celebrate a new year together. A year Neil hadn’t even thought he’d live to see. 

He talked a bit to Kevin about trucking and sports, to Jeremy and Matt about kids, and Allison and Renee about spending a small Easter vacation with them and the Wilds-Boyds at Allison’s vacay cabin. Allison mentioned that she’d make an exception and allow Neil to bring Andrew along, although Neil didn’t really get why Andrew’s invitation and his were interdependent. 

When a slightly drunk Jeremy let slip that Jean, Kevin and him were thinking about adopting a kid in the future, everyone was even more excited, except for Wymack who looked rather concerned. Nonetheless, Neil caught them in the kitchen an hour later, father and son in a tight hug. 

Life was good. 

By four in the morning, the house was finally empty. Their last guests, Jeremy and Jean, had just left, leading a pretty drunk Kevin out to their car. Neil followed Andrew out onto the terrace for a last cigarette together before they would fall into their beds to find a good night’s rest.

Somehow, the morning of New Year’s Day always arrived with an eerie calm. Of course, in Palmetto most nights were quiet, but right there on that terrace at 4am, there was no sound except for Andrew and Neil’s breathing and the occasional drag on their cigarettes. It was comforting in a way, and reminded Neil of his nights in the cab of his truck: starry heavens above him and a warm mattress beneath him, with just enough room to think about life or to miss Connor and Andrew.

“I can practically hear you thinking. What is it?” Andrew asked, and took a deep drag on his cigarette. His eyes stayed focused on the view as the moonlight hit his profile in just the right angle to further wash out his already too pale face. 

Neil wished it could be like this for the rest of his life. Having a night-time smoke on the terrace, watching Andrew being engulfed in moonlight, going to bed then waking up to his son being happy — it was surely too perfect to last.

“Nothing. It’s just—“ Neil sighed and inhaled the smoke curling in the air. The new year could be Neil’s first one where he wouldn’t have to fear anything. It could be an opportunity to make peace with his past, and to look forward to a better future for himself and for Connor. Neil felt overwhelmed by so much goodness — so much so that he thought he must be dreaming. “Everything is  good right now. I’ve never had this before,” he said lowly. It felt stupid to be sentimental, but Andrew was the biggest reason for Neil’s sentimentality. He deserved to know. “Every new year with my father had meant a new year of agony, torture, loss. This will be the first one without him. I’ve never felt more free in my life.”

Andrew dragged his gaze from the grass to Neil’s eyes, looking at them as if he was looking for an answer to a question Neil didn’t know.

“He doesn’t even deserve your thoughts.” Andrew snorted and ground out his cigarette on the wooden planks before he turned around to face Neil. “He was nothing but a piece of shit. Believe me, I know how that is, but Bee was right when she gave me this advice and I know you’ll be better off hearing it, too: Let go. Let go of him. It’s you. It’s Connor. You’re not alone anymore and there’s no one to fight anymore. Today is the day you stop running for good.”

Neil let Andrew’s words sink in, thinking about the snippet of Andrew’s past he had entrusted Neil with. They both had different demons, and yet had gone through the same pain. If Andrew had been able to get rid of his trauma, Neil could maybe do the same.

“I think you have a point,” Neil said and smiled to himself, inhaling the familiar scent of smoke once more before he ground out the cherry. The gesture somehow felt like he was extinguishing so much more than just the cigarette. With a smirk on his lips, Neil cocked his head and studied Andrew’s amber eyes. Maybe he was challenging Andrew; maybe he was challenging himself. “Any New Year’s resolutions?”

Neil watched Andrew’s eyes wander over his face, stopping on his lips for just a second too long to be coincidental. The scene felt familiar. A few days ago, they had stood like this, almost chest to chest, beneath the mistletoe in the kitchen where Neil had — for the first time ever — felt something like butterflies raging in his tummy as Andrew moved closer and closer.

Now, the swarm was back, making Neil want to laugh, to touch, to see what would happen if Andrew’s lips connected with his.

“I stopped making resolutions a long time ago. I won’t stop smoking just because I tell myself to on the first of January.” Andrew combed a hand through his hair, then took a small step forward into Neil’s personal space. 

Neil didn’t mind at all, but the butterflies in his tummy reacted so fervently, Neil’s knees went weak. 

“Still, Bee tells me to set myself goals. I want to be more honest with myself.” Andrew licked his lips and lifted his hand to Neil’s chin. His index finger curled around the edge, but Andrew didn’t pull. It was an offer, no obligation. It was the most tender thing Neil had ever seen from a man. 

“And what would that mean?” Neil asked, letting his eyes rest on Andrew’s rose-colored lips. He could have sworn the air was sizzling, sparks surrounding the tiny bubble he and Andrew had created. There was something finite to the situation, like coming to a book’s end and knowing where it will go, but only reading on would reveal the truth.

“Pursuing what I want, for once,” Andrew replied under his breath, tilting Neil’s head just a little with the finger wrapped around his chin. “And you, Neil? Any resolutions?”

“Maybe.” Neil pulled his lips into a small grin, his legs turning to goo under Andrew’s touch. “Trying things I never could at my father’s, I guess.”

“And what would that be?” Andrew asked, voice rough and pupils slightly blown as he came so close that there was merely an inch left between their noses.

“Kissing someone I like.”

“Someone on your mind?”

Neil leaned in and let his nose brush against Andrew’s, the touch shooting small shocks through Neil’s body, leaving his spine tingling and breathing labored. “Do you want me to?” Neil whispered and waited for Andrew to go the last inch. Andrew had offered; now, Neil was offering, too.

Andrew’s decision came within the blink of an eye, his lips gently meeting Neil’s, tenderly inviting him to leave it at that or take it a step farther. Andrew meant choice, choice, choice. No strings attached. And Neil wanted to. He wanted to choose Andrew, wanted to feel all of him, to unravel his frame to reveal the gracious soul no one had wanted to discover before. So Neil opened his mouth and offered, offered, offered; inviting Andrew in with no boundaries set, because he didn’t need them. Andrew would know and that was enough for Neil to trust.

They kissed for what felt like an eternity, their lips finding their own rhythm in a gentle dance, Andrew’s tongue exploring Neil’s while warm hands roamed his torso through the fabric of Neil’s sweater. It was the best kiss Neil had ever experienced. It all fell into place in that moment — people liked kissing because it felt this way. It was warm and safe, but also feral and devouring, but the most interesting thing about it was that Neil felt a heat wave hitting his body as Andrew’s fingertips slipped beneath his sweater and brushed over his abdomen. 

Neil didn’t swing, and he was sure he still wouldn’t, but Andrew was different. Maybe he didn’t need to have feelings for anyone else but Andrew. Maybe Andrew was the one, like in a romcom or a fairy tale, two people finding each other and living happily ever after. Whatever it was, Neil’s body reacted to Andrew’s touch like it never had to anyone else’s before. He wouldn’t have minded if the moment never ended, and it felt like Andrew wouldn’t have minded, either. 

When Andrew eventually pulled away, Neil wanted to follow. He didn’t want to let go of him just yet, but Neil accepted Andrew’s boundaries just like Andrew accepted his, so he just cocked his head and smiled at the sight of Andrew’s rose-tinted cheeks. Beauty was something Neil hadn’t come across a lot in his life, but here it was, standing right in front of him in the form of a five foot tall blond whose finger was still wrapped around his chin.

“I liked that,” Neil whispered, and raised his hand to cup Andrew’s cheek. Right before he was about to touch, he halted, waiting for Andrew to lean in. 

“Don’t say stupid things, Neil,” Andrew muttered back, but leaned in anyway. 

“You like me,” Neil said with a grin on his face, knowing perfectly well that Andrew indeed did.

“You’re still a nuisance,” Andrew replied, and pulled Neil closer again, leaving no room for a snarky remark as he pressed their lips together in an extensive kiss.

Slowly, the cold started to creep into their bones as they let their bodies converse in the pale moonlight. Neil could feel Andrew’s goosebumps beneath his fingers. Knowing how much he hated the cold, Neil pulled away from Andrew’s lips and kissed along his jaw to his neck. Andrew’s groan just made Neil’s jeans feel even tighter, but he didn’t know how far Andrew would want to take this — it didn’t matter anyway. Having a bit of Andrew was more than Neil had ever asked for and he would take whatever Andrew was ready to give.

“We should go inside,” Neil whispered into Andrew’s neck, placing another soft kiss to his pulse point, eliciting a small hiss.

“Maybe we should,” Andrew said, but kept his hands beneath Neil’s sweater, tightly cupping his waist. 

“If it’s too much to ask, say no,” Neil started, “but I like this .” Neil gestured between the two of them, adding, “I like us . Spend the night with me, Drew, if you want to.”

Andrew looked at Neil with his signature blank face, not giving away a single emotion, at least not to someone not looking closely enough. But Neil was looking closely. His face was blank, but his eyes were a raging fire, pupils quickly scanning Neil’s features as if the solution was hidden somewhere between the hills and valleys of Neil’s face.

“You don’t have to do this, Neil,” he finally said and went inside, carrying the last glasses over to the dishwasher in the kitchen. Neil didn’t know if he was supposed to feel hurt, but Andrew pulling away left a sting in his chest.

“I know,” Neil said as he followed, propping his body against the door frame, “but I want to. I want to try this, Andrew. It’s different with you. You are different.”

“And what if you don’t know what you want?” Andrew asked, his body turned away from the door as he put a tab in the dishwasher. 

“I think you have to trust me, and you know I wouldn’t lie to you. I know, I’ve never done this before, and I may not be experienced, but I know what I feel, and right now I’m feeling great and I feel like I wanna experience this with you.”

Neil waited for Andrew to turn around. He was almost surprised when it happened and Andrew walked toward him, coming to a halt right in front of him. 

“You’ll say no when you need to. I don’t know if I can stand sleeping next to you. You can’t touch my back, not yet, and I don’t know if we’ll get there. Three rules. Can you handle that, Josten?”

“Yes,” Neil confirmed immediately, and gasped as Andrew wrapped his hand around the nape of his neck to pull him in for a heated kiss. They stumbled towards the stairs, hands roaming each other’s bodies, and only parted to make their way upstairs. 

Neil didn’t know what he was supposed to think when Andrew pulled him away from the guest room, and led him to his bedroom instead. Of course, Neil had seen Andrew’s bedroom before, but walking into it, knowing Andrew was willing to share his holiest space with Neil — it was overwhelming.

“Do you wanna memorize my bedroom or get into my bed?” Andrew asked when Neil stayed glued to the spot for too long. 

Neil blushed and gave Andrew a shy smile, suddenly feeling so stupid for not knowing what was expected of him. It was a bit like with Aubrey when it had been all weird fumbling, every inch of possible pleasure destroyed by the awkwardness wafting through the air. Andrew seemed to recognize Neil’s hesitation and walked over to him, taking Neil’s hands into his.

“Hey, we don’t need to do anything else, okay? We can leave it at this and it’ll still be okay, Neil.” Andrew spoke lowly in a voice tinted with understanding and compassion. It carried the last remnants of doubt away. Neil nodded and gently pulled Andrew with him in reassurance, every cell of him saying yes, I want this. I want you, and Andrew understood.

Grabbing Neil by his waist, he pushed him onto the mattress and followed suit, aligning their bodies, the fabric of their clothes the only thing separating them. Andrew’s weight was comforting, his panting breaths washing over him like a wave over the shore, and Neil was ready to drown if it meant never losing this feeling again. 

Andrew’s lips crashed into his, connecting bodies and souls, slowly becoming one as time turned into something unfathomable, a moment turning into eternity. When Andrew pushed himself up and his eyes met Neil’s, his pupils were fully blown and his lips kiss-swollen. Neil had recognized Andrew’s attractiveness before, but right then and there, Neil was a goner. 

“You’re beautiful,” Neil whispered and stroke Andrew’s cheek with his thumb. It might have been imagination, but Neil could have sworn Andrew’s cheeks turned even pinker at his confession. A moment later, every thought about rosy cheeks was gone as Andrew kissed his way along Neil’s jawline down to his collarbone, sucking small bruises into maimed skin. Sounds he wouldn’t even have dreamed of escaped Neil’s throat as Andrew worshiped his skin, taking his time with every inch of his body.

“Sweater off. Yes or no?” Andrew rasped as he tugged on the hem.

Neil nodded eagerly, confirming with a quick breathed “yes”, and arched his back up to make pulling the sweater off easier. Andrew had him out of the sweater in a second, and started kissing his way along the map of scars on Neil’s torso, not once batting an eye.

When he reached the waistband of Neil’s jeans, Andrew stopped and looked up, gazing at Neil through his long, blond lashes. He hooked one finger under the fabric and tugged on it, asking, “Can I take these off?”, and Neil felt a searing heat where Andrew’s finger brushed his pleasure trail.

“Yes, Drew, everything. I trust you,” Neil replied. For the first time in his life, his body and mind felt aligned when it came to sleeping with someone or having any kind of romantic interaction at all. He wanted to be touched, wanted to feel Andrew, to taste him and be tasted — he wanted to be unraveled by Andrew’s tender hands and soft lips, and no one had ever made him feel this way before.

Andrew seemed to hesitate for a second before he decided he believed him and took off Neil’s jeans in one go. Instead of taking off Neil’s briefs, too — Neil wouldn’t have minded finally getting rid of the restraining fabric — Andrew peppered Neil’s thighs with a bunch of small bruises, sucking on overly sensitive skin, driving Neil to the edge. 

Whatever Andrew was doing down there between his legs, it felt magical and not enough at the same time. Neil wanted more, wanted to kiss Andrew until he made that small humming sound again he’d made on the terrace when Neil had started sucking on his neck. He wanted to slip his hands under Andrew’s shirt and let them memorize every hill and valley. 

As if Andrew had heard Neil’s prayers, he finally hooked his fingers under the waistband of Neil’s briefs and tugged, waiting for Neil’s nod that came probably more eagerly than was appropriate, but Neil didn’t care at all, just wanting to let Andrew have all of him.

Being completely naked in front of Andrew felt strange at first, but not for longer than a second since Andrew placed a settling kiss onto the reddish curls, carrying all feelings of anxiety and nervousness away. Neil knew he was exposed, but Andrew would never take advantage of him, and that was incredibly grounding. 

“Can-” Neil started, swallowing to wet his dry throat, “Can you take your sweater off, too?” Neil’s face felt even hotter than before, his heart thumping against his rib cage. 

Andrew stared at him, and then he nodded and took off his sweater, revealing his muscular frame Neil couldn’t look away from. 

“See something you like?” Andrew asked with a cocky smile on his lips, only to get up and pull down his jeans, too. 

Neil looked his fill, realizing just how blind he must have been to have acknowledged Andrew’s beauty so late into their… whatever. He granted Andrew a hum before he held his hand out, begging him back to get into the personal adventure neither of them was quite prepared for.

Andrew followed, but to Neil’s surprise, he didn’t lay down on top of him, instead kneeling between Neil’s spread legs. How Neil felt about that was more than obvious, and Andrew seemed to have recognized his anticipation, too, when his hand wrapped around Neil’s length, coaxing a gasp out of Neil’s lungs.

Andrew’s hand was soon replaced by his mouth, his warm lips taking Neil apart until Neil was nothing but a squirming and moaning mess under Andrew’s practised tongue. It was so completely different from Neil’s usual short rounds of taking care of his needs, and different again from his night with Aubrey. It didn’t feel awkward or futile — it felt right and good. Neil finally understood why everyone seemed to like sex, because now he liked it, too. He wouldn’t have minded sharing this with Andrew until the end of days if it always felt like this. Andrew continued his attentions, experimenting with different rhythms and angles. It didn’t take much more to push Neil over the edge, a few last licks and strokes being enough to let him relieve all tension into Andrew’s mouth with a muffled cry.

Panting and hazy, Neil barely felt Andrew settling into the mattress beside him. Nonetheless, he reached out his hand and let his fingers wander over Andrew’s pecs. 

“Andrew?” 

“Yes,” Andrew mumbled, putting his hand over Neil’s to let them rest over his heart.

“Can I— Shall I, you know… return the favor?” Neil asked, not sure if it would work at all, but he was eager to learn, and he wanted to make Andrew feel just as good as he had made Neil.

Andrew remained silent for so long that Neil started asking himself if he had fallen asleep. He secretly hoped that he hadn’t, since he definitely wouldn’t touch Andrew without his permission, but he thought sleeping on Andrew’s chest would feel nice. When Andrew eventually spoke up, Neil was almost startled by it.

“Don’t bite. Don’t press my hips down.“ Andrew’s order was clear and Neil saw no reason not to follow it.

“Okay,” Neil said and waited for Andrew to roll onto his back. He had no real idea how a blowjob worked, but he had memorized what Andrew had just done and was confident enough to think he could easily mimic the motions.

Andrew’s body was warm and firm, his skin contracting at every kiss Neil placed on it. Just like Andrew, Neil took his time to create his personal trail, mapping every bulge and dent Andrew’s training had molded. 

At first, Neil thought Andrew wouldn’t make a sound at all, but when he wrapped his fingers around the waistband of the black briefs, a grunt escaped Andrew’s throat, followed by rough breathing.

“Can I?” Neil asked, and placed another kiss right over the waistband onto Andrew’s blond curls.

“Yes,” Andrew gasped and lifted his hips so Neil could free Andrew’s prominent bulge.

His sexuality had never been a thing to Neil. He had kissed some girls in school and of course Aubrey, and he had kissed a guy he’d worked on a school project with once, but it had never felt right or special. Kissing Andrew though, seeing him aroused and flushed and naked right in front of him, did something to Neil’s stomach and chest he’d never felt before. It all fell into place then as Neil realized that all these weeks, his body had been telling him that he was in love with Andrew Minyard.

Neil wasn’t experienced, but he was confident, so he kissed and licked his way down to the already leaking head of Andrew’s hard-on, working on a rhythm based on Andrew’s reactions and the guiding hand buried in his hair that tugged and squeezed, until Neil’s consciousness retreated into the background and got replaced by bare intuition. 

When Andrew eventually spilled into the warmth of his mouth, Neil felt an unknown satisfaction, almost pride, settling in his chest. Andrew’s fingers were still massaging his scalp, gently raking through his curls. After a while, he tugged on them and led Neil up.

Neil followed and laid down next to him, not knowing if it was okay to touch Andrew’s chest, yet. 

“Thank you,” Neil whispered, “for trusting me.”

Andrew hummed, voice rough and breathing labored. “Sleep now,” Andrew whispered back, and pushed Neil’s head onto his chest, wrapping an arm around his body to hold him close.

“Is it really okay if I sleep here?”

“I wouldn’t ask you to if it weren’t,” Andrew only replied and just pressed Neil a bit tighter to his own body, covering both of them with the blanket.

All at once, Neil felt exhaustion weighing down on him. The alarm clock display showed it was already 5:15am. Listening to the sound of Andrew’s steady breathing, Neil let himself get pulled under, dreaming of Andrew, roaming hands and heated kisses, and three little words he wanted to let out one day.

Chapter Text

Neil woke up feeling elated and hazy, still exhausted from the long night. Without opening his eyes he knew exactly where Andrew was. He could feel Andrew’s arm resting under his pillow as memories of the night before flooded his mind. He smiled and silently laughed, trying not to wake Andrew, but being happier than he could ever remember being didn’t make it an easy task.

“Good morning,” Andrew said, voice gruff and throaty.  

Slowly, Neil opened his eyes and smiled at him. Waking up next to Andrew felt right and it had to be showing on his face. Andrew responded with a raised eyebrow which Neil took as a challenge. He rolled as close as he could to Andrew without touching him and tilted his head up, just shy of a kiss.

A smile almost took over Andrew’s mouth, but he somehow managed to reign it back in, although the glimmering mischief in his eyes gave him away. “Do you need something?”

“Can I… get a kiss?” Neil begged, face flushed and head tilted up. He knew he couldn’t be demanding — not that he wanted to anyway — but getting a morning kiss from the man he had shared a bed with sounded just right.

Andrew used the arm under Neil’s pillow to pull him in until they were chest to chest. He tilted his head down and their noses brushed against each other, then leaned in for a kiss. The kiss was short and chaste, leaving Neil suddenly aware that he should brush his teeth. A hand appeared in his hair and he hummed his approval, closing his eyes and enjoying the feeling.

“Sleep,” Andrew said.

Neil opened his eyes and looked at the alarm clock. It was still early, but Connor would be waking up soon anyway.

Andrew guided Neil’s head down to his chest, and ran his hand through his hair again. “I’ll get him, you sleep.”

Half asleep, Neil was aware of Andrew gently guiding his head to the pillow and slipping out of the room at some point. He heard soft chatter from the other room as Connor got up, operating like a personal lullaby that made Neil’s eyelids heavy again. Neil pulled the pillow closer, suddenly hit with the soft scent of Andrew.

The next time he blinked his eyes open again, his face buried in the pillow, Neil couldn’t miss the feeling of Connor being set on his back, making Neil smile. Connor crawled up and sat on his shoulders, patting his head.

“Wake up, Dada, wake up.”

Neil groaned languidly and reached back to wrap an arm around Connor so he could roll over without squishing him. Once Connor was sitting on his chest, he looked over to Andrew. He was standing at the edge of the bed watching them, so Neil held out a hand to him, and pulled him in when he took it. With Andrew sitting next to him on the bed and Connor sitting on his chest, Neil thought he must be dreaming. It was too good to be true, but when Connor kicked his feet into Neil’s crotch, he knew it was indeed his new reality.

He debated sitting up and stealing another kiss from Andrew, but he didn’t know how Andrew would feel about kissing in front of Connor, or kissing randomly in general. And after all, he didn’t know how Andrew thought about their relationship. Was it a relationship at all? Would anything change now? Andrew had always made clear that he didn’t want a relationship. Neil knew now that he was way too far in to just go back to being friends — it would tear him into pieces. They wouldn’t get around talking about it later.

Connor begged them to sing, so they both started singing twinkle twinkle little star, while Connor tried and failed to sing along, making both men chuckle. Neil pressed a kiss to Connor’s hair when they finished the song, pressed shoulder to shoulder with Andrew, and suddenly couldn’t help but smile even more. Andrew caught him and shoved his face to the side, stealing Connor from his lap while he was distracted, making the little boy squirm and screech in delight.

Connor laughed even more as Andrew tickled his sides and rubbed his cheek against the toddler’s. Neil watched them leave the room and started to lie down again until Andrew called for him a few moments later. Getting up wasn’t the easiest when his mind was bursting with so many new feelings. He was slow to roll out of bed, too tired from the late night and early morning to bother hurrying. When he finally made his way downstairs, he found them at the stove beginning to make pancakes.

Slowly Neil walked over to Andrew, making sure he could tell what Neil had planned, and pressed a kiss to his cheek when Andrew nodded.

Connor shoved Neil’s face away, then hugged Andrew tightly. “Mine,” he said as he pressed a kiss on Andrew’s cheek directly over Neil’s.

Neil burst out laughing. He caught Andrew’s eye and saw the way he smiled, too. It felt so familiar — it felt like family.

After breakfast they went grocery shopping together. The store was empty so early in the morning on New Year’s day that they could take their time getting enough food for the week after the party the night before had cleaned them out. They had a small fight at the register about who would pay, but Andrew barely tried to keep Neil away from the pin pad. Instead, he offered Neil his hand to hold once they were in the car and driving back home .

When Connor was settled in his crib around nap time, sound asleep, Andrew and Neil could finally slump into the cushions of the sofa to catch up on some rest. To Neil’s surprise, Andrew sat closer to him than he had expected, even pulling Neil’s feet up into his lap to absentmindedly trace patterns into his shin. Every moment felt like more than he ever thought he could have.

“Andrew?” Neil mumbled after some time, averting his eyes from whatever they were watching. Neil didn’t care anyway. Watching Andrew was far more interesting than any show or movie could ever be.

“Mh,” Andrew hummed, slowly turning his head to make their eyes meet.

“I just… Thank you. For being good to us. I like being with you, and Connor, too, and—”

“Neil. I know,” Andrew interrupted Neil’s rambling, before he turned back to the TV. “Me, too,” he added into the silence after a few seconds and went back to drawing patterns. Neil smiled.

In the afternoon, they took Connor to the park and chased him through the empty playground. Watching Andrew treat his son like he was his own almost made Neil tear up, which would have been the third time Andrew would have seen him cry. It felt like he had a stupid smile on his face the entire day and he just couldn’t make it go away. Not while they played cars in the living room, or when they covered it with train tracks.

While Andrew cooked dinner, he showed Neil his special mashed potatoes recipe, using sour cream instead of milk. Andrew seemed so damn casual when he held out a spoon for Neil to take a bite, but Neil didn’t miss the look Andrew shot him when the spoon disappeared into Neil’s mouth and Neil’s eyes lit up.

They all ate dinner at the kitchen table together using the nice plates and the candles from a few weeks ago. Of course Neil insisted on washing the dishes while Andrew bathed Connor before they tucked him in together, as if they had long developed their own routine.

After another hour of watching TV, Andrew got up and into the bathroom, obviously taking a shower. Neil yawned, but suddenly, felt lost. He wanted to collapse into a mattress and just sleep, but into which one? Would Andrew want him to spend another night together? Or should Neil just take his own bed?

When the bathroom door opened ten minutes later, Neil walked over to Andrew’s bedroom and propped his shoulder against the doorframe. Andrew was already back in his black briefs, his body just as gorgeous as it had been the night before. Sleeping next to Andrew would be great, but Neil would respect it if Andrew needed some space.

“I just wanted to say goodnight,” Neil said after a million phrases had run through his head, none really suiting the situation.

Andrew stopped toweling down his hair before he turned around and resumed. “Then you probably should get into another shirt. You’re not crawling into my bed in those jeans.”

Neil felt his head turning red, but was more than happy that Andrew had made a decision for him. He slipped out of his jeans within a second and quickly pulled a tee on, waiting for Andrew to lay down first.

When Andrew turned off the lights, Neil felt like he was living in a fairytale. Andrew ran his hand through Neil’s hair. Neil let his fingers wander over Andrew’s chest. Sleep had never come so easily.

~

Andrew woke up feeling like the last few days had been a dream. His arm was completely asleep and when he moved it he heard Neil sigh in his sleep. As slowly as he possibly could, Andrew turned his head so he could see Neil’s relaxed face. Neil was sleeping on his side, curled toward him, with a subtle smile on his lips.

That obnoxious smile had been a constant yesterday and Andrew wanted to know just how long it would last. Neil had to come to his senses eventually, most likely sooner rather than later. Andrew would be prepared when it happened. He had to be.

When Neil opened his eyes and smiled at Andrew, he forgot all of that. All he could think of was bright eyes and tangled curls, so so soft whenever he let them slip through his hands. Neil shifted closer to him, like he had the day before, but this time neither of them hesitated.

“Yes or no?” Andrew asked as Neil moved.

“Yes.”

Andrew didn’t wait for him, opting to pull him closer instead. The kiss was soft and uncoordinated, but still setting Andrew’s body on fire. Neil yawned when they broke apart and Andrew huffed out a short laugh — just because he could . Neil dropped another kiss on his mouth then pressed one on each cheek and his forehead. When Neil pulled back and looked him in the eye, he stroked Andrew’s cheek with his hand.

Andrew couldn’t help it. He closed his eyes and accept that he could do something he’d forbidden himself for an eternity: Feeling. He let all the sensations roam through his system, let himself feel the pleasure, the burn, the kisses, his tingling skin. It was too much but it came from Neil and he wanted it to last forever.

“Good morning,” Neil whispered, “can I lay on your chest again? I really liked that yesterday.”

I really liked that yesterday. God, what could he do? Say no? So Andrew shoved a hand in his hair and pulled him down. Neil sighed into his neck and Andrew couldn’t help the shiver that ran down his spine. A second later, Andrew felt Neil’s eyelashes brush against his neck and used the hand he had curled into Neil’s hair to guide his head down onto his chest.

Neil laughed. “Ticklish?”

Andrew let out a low growl and Neil laughed harder. He tried to push Neil away, but he couldn’t manage it as Neil somehow laughed and pouted at the same time.

When Connor called for them a while later, Neil got up and brought him into the room, setting him on Andrew’s lap before he skipped to the door.

“Neil?” Andrew asked, slightly concerned about what had Neil in such a good mood.

“I’m going to make you breakfast in bed,” Neil announced. Andrew must not have looked convinced, because Neil snorted. “Shut up. I’m making breakfast and you’re going to eat it and say it’s amazing even if you hate it.”

“Yes sir,” Andrew said sarcastically with a salute as he rolled his eyes.

Since Andrew had started teaching Neil how to cook every now and then, he had improved a lot, but that didn’t mean he was anywhere near as good as Andrew. And until that point Andrew preferred to either cook his own food or supervise Neil as he cooked.

Connor crawled around the bed, looking for something to play with, so Andrew grabbed a pillow and gently hit him with it, starting the — well, he had to admit it — cutest pillow fight Andrew had ever seen. The pillow was almost too big for Connor to pick up, but he still managed to hit Andrew with it multiple times, which wasn’t hard since Andrew just laid still whenever Connor was about to hit him.

By the time Neil walked in with a tray of food, all of the pillows and blankets were on the floor and Andrew and Connor were in the middle of the bed having a tickle fight with Connor trying to tickle Andrew while Andrew actually tickled him. The boy squealed in delight anyway.

“What happened here?” Neil asked, attempting to look stern, but Andrew could see the smile pulling at his mouth. 

“Hit Andu,” Connor said as he sat up on Andrew’s chest.

“Pillow fight,” Andrew added.

Neil set the tray on the bed and ran a hand through Connor’s hair. “Did you have fun?”

Connor nodded his head and smiled while Neil pulled him into his lap, giving Andrew the chance to sit up. He sat shoulder to shoulder with Neil, so they could put the tray over their touching legs and both eat off of it at the same time. Connor ignored the silverware, shoving his hand into the eggs. When crumbs started falling onto the sheets, Neil looked mortified.

“I am sorry,” Neil said, trying to pick up the pieces of egg and toast. “I clearly didn’t think this through.”

Andrew grabbed Neil’s hand, not able to see the man struggle any longer. “Stop, we can wash the sheets later, it’s fine.”

The blinding smiles he got in return from both Connor and Neil had him almost regretting it. Almost.

“How is it?” Neil asked with mischief in his eyes.

“Oh, it’s amazing,” Andrew mocked, “absolutely incredible.”

Neil rolled his eyes. “I didn’t think you’d actually say it.”

“You asked me to, no?” Andrew asked as he placed a small kiss to Neil’s cheek.

Andrew couldn’t remember the last time he had ever been so gentle. With Connor it was a given, but with another fully grown man he had no reason to be. Still he found himself wanting it. He wanted to show Neil how much he cared for and appreciated him. Andrew wanted to do stupid little things like kiss Neil’s cheek and cuddle with him all day on the couch.

Getting out of bed seemed like an unnecessary task, but everything had to end at some point, so they finished the morning with a shower and getting dressed.

It ended up raining, ruining their plans to go to the park again, so they ended up in the living room with the blocks Connor had gotten for Christmas. Andrew sat on the floor, building tower after tower, while Neil read a book on the couch, only looking up when Connor knocked down every tower that he built.

For lunch, Andrew made sandwiches and they ate on the couch while watching the Lion King. The old version, though, Andrew insisted since the new one was nothing but crap. When Connor fell asleep on Neil, Andrew took the chance to pull them both closer. He laid against Neil’s chest with an arm thrown over Connor’s back as they all drifted off on the couch, having a peaceful family nap.

Andrew had to head off to work for a few hours to do some paperwork and hand out paychecks, and he was sad to go in for once. He kissed Neil and Connor both goodbye, with a promise to be home by dinner and headed off. All of his staff had told him at one point that he was their favorite boss because he never snapped at them — Andrew was sure they were mistaking him for someone else —  but as he rushed through his work to get home as soon as possible, he could hear himself getting short with the cook. After a few deep breaths he tried again, remembering Bee’s gentle words, and the cook even smiled a stupid smile when Andrew was done with his apology.

When he got home Connor was waiting in the front window. The toddler slapped the glass over and over as he walked from the car to the door, and by the time he opened it, Neil was there to meet him with a squirming Connor in his arm and a smile on his lips.

It felt like a dream again, but better because his brain could not have come up with something this perfect.

To his and Neil’s delight, he’d brought home dinner from the diner and since Andrew didn’t feel like doing dishes, they ate out of the takeout boxes. Andrew gave Connor extra fries when Neil wasn’t looking and Neil smuggled his own broccoli onto Andrew’s plate while he was picking up something Connor dropped.

The day was full of more laughter than he was used to. Neil was laughing even more than Connor — and Connor laughed a lot.

Once Connor was fast asleep, Andrew pulled Neil into the master bedroom and pushed him onto the bed where they talked and kissed and talked some more until they felt exhaustion pulling at their bodies. Wrapped into Andrew’s blanket, Neil told him about wanting to switch to day trips, and Andrew couldn’t help but agree to it. Having Neil around more often would be worth it, even if Andrew had to spend a bit more money.

~

Neil woke up before Andrew. He was careful not to move as he watched Andrew sleep. His blonde hair was still perfect somehow, probably because he rarely moved in his sleep. It was his last day off in his mini four day paid vacation that Wymack had gifted him for Christmas and Neil wanted to enjoy every second of it.

Connor woke up before Andrew, too, and Neil tried to slip out of bed without waking him, but Andrew was too attuned to Connor’s cries and sat up before Neil was even close to the edge.

“I’ll get him, go back to sleep,” Neil said as he slowly reached out and ran a hand through Andrew’s hair.

Andrew nodded and pressed a small kiss to Neil’s wrist before he laid down again, eyes shut within a second. Quietly, Neil walked down the hallway and opened Connor’s door. The tot was standing in his crib, reaching for him immediately with tears in his eyes.

“Dada, hug?” Connor asked, wiping some snot from his nose.

Neil picked him up and hugged him tightly, not able to stand seeing his little boy crying. “Did you have a bad dream Con-boy?”

He carried him into the master bedroom and climbed into bed, ignoring Andrew’s questioning look. He must have woken up again at the cries and decided to get up for good. Neil laid down next to Andrew and settled Connor between them, then started reciting the dinosaur book. Connor was out like a light before Neil was even half done so he threw his arm over the child protectively and let him sleep. Andrew did the same thing and rested his hand on Neil’s waist, sending a shiver through Neil’s body. Being touched by Andrew was familiar now, but the sensation never failed to shake him.

Connor woke up again just in time for a late breakfast that Andrew made for them. Neil had never wanted to be a stay at home dad, but if every single day could be like the last few days, he wouldn’t mind at all.

Neil chased Connor around the house for a while and let his son bribe him into a dance, his big eyes too cute to be denied a wish. After Connor had enough of dancing with Neil, he wiggled out of his arms and down to the ground, choosing to dance with a stuffed fox instead. Neil looked over to Andrew sitting in the recliner and smiled.

“Join me?” Neil asked, holding out his hand. He didn’t miss how silly it sounded. Nobody could imagine Andrew Minyard dancing. He wanted to try him anyway.

Andrew raised an eyebrow at him. “No, thanks.”

Neil wanted to pout but he didn’t. Instead he just stopped dancing altogether. A moment later he felt Andrew’s hand in his and turned to him, shocked.

“Just this one song,” Andrew mumbled and pulled Neil close, directing Neil’s hands to his shoulders and resting his own on Neil’s waist.

They didn’t dance so much as sway back and forth, but it felt so nice. The minutes passed too quickly, with Andrew pressed up against him, cheek to cheek. They didn’t talk, but they didn’t need to, both men showing how much they trusted and cared for each other just by being there.      

Neil made lunch and Andrew made dinner, slowly finding a rhythm in taking turns at the stove. They spent the entire day within ten feet of each other, with Connor there, too. It was the first vacation Neil had ever had, and he knew it was always going to be something special. Even if they went somewhere fancy next time or did something incredible, these first few days at home with Andrew would always hold a special place in his heart.

After Connor was in bed, they headed out onto the terrace for a cigarette. Neil had basically quit, only smoking occasionally as a social thing, and he was fairly sure Andrew was getting there, too. They stood next to each other in silence, unfurling smoke and their breaths wafting through the night air.

“What now?” Neil asked at some point, looking up at the stars.

“What do you mean?” Andrew asked and took another deep drag, suddenly seeming nervous.

“What happens here?” Neil gestured between them. “Tomorrow I have to go back to work. Back to the real world.”

Andrew didn’t answer for quite some time, and Neil already wanted to let it slip and retreat into the house when Andrew spoke up.

“Why would anything have to change?” Andrew looked thoughtful and Neil didn’t know why. “We can just keep on doing this. I think we have a pretty good life here.”

More things had changed for Neil in the last three days than he had ever imagined changing in his life. He had no idea how to go back to just living a normal life with Andrew.

Andrew stubbed out his cigarette then took Neil’s from him and did the same.

“Just let go, for a while. I can practically hear the cogs rattle in your head,” Andrew said, stroking Neil’s cheek. “We’ll figure it out.”

Neil still wasn’t convinced that they could have this, that this was supposed to be his new life, but maybe Andrew was right and he just needed to let go.

Andrew grabbed Neil’s hand and led him inside. They had to break apart to take off their shoes and jackets, but as soon as that was done, Andrew took his hand again and led him upstairs, back into his bed where he let Neil forget all his sorrows.

Chapter Text

The new year started in much the way that the last one ended.

Neil still slept in Andrew’s bed, and sometimes they’d kiss, but with both of them going back to work and Connor back in daycare, they were too exhausted to do much more than that by the end of the day. Neil could feel himself settling in more and more, and he was frightened of it. Good things didn’t come to people like him for free. The entire stay in Palmetto had been just enough struggle for Neil not to worry that it was too good. However, living with Andrew, being with Andrew, was a ticking time bomb. Anxiety grew and grew inside Neil's chest - dark and clawing and constrictive. There was no way life could be this perfect and last.

It happened a week after New Year’s, when Neil least expected it. Admittedly, bad things almost always happened when they were least expected, so he really shouldn’t have been so surprised.

Neil was sitting in the living room with his son, watching him grow frustrated with his train tracks. A normal day so far.

He’d been shopping to prepare a nice dinner for when Andrew would come back from his shift at the diner. He’d even grabbed a pack of Andrew’s favorite beer, although the man had stricter rules when it came to alcohol since Connor and Neil came to live with him. Neil felt like the day was going perfectly well.

As he crawled closer to help Connor sort out his train track problem, his phone dinged. At first he thought it was Andrew asking about dinner, but it was too early for that and he didn’t recognize the number or the country code. The text read: “Nathaniel, it’s Stuart. I haven’t seen you and the little fella in months and was thinking of coming over to visit for your birthday. Let me know what days work for you.”

Neil read over the text twice, heart beating faster and faster with each word. He stood and let a surprised Connor crawl around while he tried to calm his racing heart and racing thoughts.

Stuart couldn’t come. Neil couldn’t let him. He would see Andrew and Andrew would see him and then Andrew would be a part of Neil’s mobster family and he would definitely blame Neil for all of the things that could happen to him now like being drawn into Stuart’s mobster business or questioned over murders or having his diner set on fire or someone mistaking Aaron for Andrew and attacking him or someone killing the cat and leaving it on his doorstep or or or — He had to do something!

He tried to tell Stuart it was a bad time to visit and that he was busy with his job and the kid. Instead of keeping Stuart at bay, the story made it only worse, since now Stuart was insisting he could give Neil some space if he watched Connor. Of course, he let also slip that he would bring some money to take care of the two. In fact, there was nothing in the world that Neil could say to stop Stuart from showing up on the 19th of January to celebrate a birth that should have never happened in the first place.

As much as Neil knew that Andrew considered regret futile, Neil's bones rattled with it now. He wanted to resurrect his father just to kill him all over again because he had used his mother to push a son into his cruel life. Everything felt like  too much.

There was no way he could ask Andrew if his uncle could stay with them. Neil’d already gone from accepting Andrew’s help with babysitting, to making him take care of them both while they were sick, to taking over his house, and now he’d made it as far as taking over Andrew’s bed, too. There was no way he would pull Andrew into his fucked up family.

Andrew had been very clear from day one. He didn’t want a relationship, and Neil was pushing him right into one. Of course he trusted Andrew and he enjoyed being with Andrew, but didn’t Andrew also say they could just go on like they used to before? Wasn’t it a hint to Andrew’s avoidance of being in for the long haul?

Clearly, Neil had somehow manipulated him into the entire situation. There had been no conscious thought involved, but Neil was raised to be a liar - deceit was so deeply ingrained into him that it wasn’t really a surprise that he’d managed to lie without realizing.

But now that he had realized it, he had to leave.

He put Connor down for his nap and for once ignored his protest. He needed to start packing if they wanted to be out before Andrew came home by 5pm. They’d be long gone by then.

Shoving all of Neil’s clothes into his duffle was simple enough. Gathering Connor’s things was a bit more difficult though. The tot was growing quickly and they had multiple piles of things that were too small, getting tight, a little big, and a size up. Instead of taking the additional time to figure it all out, Neil shoved all four piles into a box, topping it off with a few of Connor’s toys and books. Hopefully, it would be enough to keep him from tearing the motel apart.

As soon as Connor was awake, Neil put him in the car and drove to the other side of town, back to the same motel where his journey started. The fuzzy yellow sign greeted him like aweary flicker, and even the receptionist seemed resigned when she recognised him stepping through the sliding doors.

Luckily, she refrained from starting an inquiry, just handing them a key to a room that looked exactly like the one they’d slept in his first night in Palmetto, when the rain had stippled their clothes and the mattress had pulled him and his son into a deep sleep. He was sure, tonight, sleep wouldn’t come to him at all.

A quick check on his bank app told him he had just enough money to get by until Stuart arrived. Maybe they could figure out what to do together. Or maybe Neil would be in a new state when Stuart’s plane landed in South Carolina. Far away from Palmetto and Andrew and the place he’d so nearly called home.

~

Exhausted from his shift, Andrew strolled over to his Maserati and slumped into the driver’s seat. Half a year ago, there had been nothing to look forward to after a long shift with tiring patrons, but now there was a man he lo— liked and a kid he adored waiting for him to come home. Starting the engine had never been easier.

The house was dark when Andrew got home. Neil’s car wasn’t standing in the driveway. Frowning, Andrew checked his phone. Neil usually texted Andrew when he left the house in the late afternoon, at least giving him a heads up so he didn’t need to worry or was prepared for a later dinner, but his phone didn’t show a message. It was definitely unsettling.

He tried to calm himself by reminding himself of Neil’s habit to not charge his phone on a regular basis, letting it die more than once. But Sir met him at the door, meowing far louder and more urgently than usual. There was something in the wind, and Andrew couldn’t yet pinpoint what exactly was amiss.

The house felt cold and empty despite the fact that the heater was on. Andrew followed Sir upstairs, opening Connor’s door when she scratched at it. The room felt off, and something in Andrew’s guts told him that something had changed. There were toys in the middle of the floor and the bookshelf looked like it had exploded, but that wasn’t unusual for the room of a two year old.

When Sir kept screaming, Andrew picked her up, putting his hand in her soft fur. He wasn’t sure who needed more reassurance right now — him or the cat. With shaky legs he carried her downstairs and into the kitchen so he could call Neil again and start dinner, hoping everything would clear up and Neil would just walk through the door any second.

But after the third phone call went straight to voicemail, Andrew noticed a note on the fridge.

Dear Andrew,

He almost didn’t want to read it. He just wanted to stop there. Letters starting with dear never led to good things. Not when something was clearly off. Not when the house one came home to was dark and empty. Not when one’s last name was Minyard.

When you come home and read this, Connor and I will already be out of town. None of this is your fault, and what you have done for us is far more than anyone has ever done for me before. You went above and beyond, but it’s not fair.

I’ve never seen a purpose in life before Connor was born. Every day, I waited for another day to pass and hoped to survive until tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and so on. But then, I held a small bundle in my arms, looking up at me with eyes full of trust and innocence. When we finally got out of Baltimore and stranded here in Palmetto, I felt lost, but then there was you, and suddenly, everything became so much easier. I really think that was the first time I ever grasped the concept of purpose. You gave us a home, a home I wanted to come back to every single day of my life, but you don’t deserve that.

I gotta leave, Andrew, because wherever I go, I leave a path of destruction, just like one of the summer tornadoes hitting South Carolina. I can’t stand by while you dedicate your life to yet another problem you need to solve while you neglect your own needs and happiness. Your brother needs you, your niece and nephew will need you, but most of all you need yourself, and not a mess like me.

I will never forget what you’ve done for us, and I really hope you’ll find a man to make you just as happy as you make me.

Thank you, Drew. You were amazing.

Neil

Andrew stared at the note in his hand and… stared. It felt like a stupor had overtaken his body, not letting him move his limbs. His lips went dry and his eyes started to burn, but he couldn’t move. Since Neil and Connor had come into his life, panic had become nothing but a memory in the back of his mind, something he didn’t need to fear anymore. Now, his body went full-on into panic mode, every cell of his body vibrating as if lightning had hit him out of nowhere.

He didn't know how much time passed - it could have been seconds or minutes or hours or days - but when Andrew finally found himself able to move, the walk up the stairs to Neil’s room was the longest of his life. Opening the door revealed a perfect replica of the way the room had been before Neil moved in. The closet was open, showing the empty shelves and hangers. The bed was made with different sheets and blankets. There were no toys on the floor or the picture of Neil and Connor on the bedside table. It was a hollow depiction of what it should have been.

Slowly, a familiar cold numbness seeped into his bones. It had been months since he last felt like this. He walked out to his car and started driving.

He called Matt and Dan first to see if they had heard anything. Then he tried Wymack. When both of those avenues were closed, he drove over to Kevin’s. Maybe he knew more.

But what if Kevin knew nothing, too? What if Neil had decided to leave for good? If Neil had said thank you and goodbye, if he hadn’t told his boss or his friends where he was going, then he clearly didn’t want to be found. Neil was setting a boundary and Andrew would be the last to overstep it. Letting go might kill what little emotion he had left, but he needed to respect Neil’s decision. He just wished he knew what had shaken Neil so much that he’d decided he’d be better off without Andrew in his life.

Jeremy opened the door on the second knock. Andrew didn’t greet him, and just pushed by, heading straight for the vodka stash he knew Kevin kept in the kitchen. Multiple voices called out to him as he plopped onto the couch, chugging as much as he could without having to stop and take a breath. When he looked up again, three men were staring at him with various degrees of concern.

He didn’t want their pity. He didn’t need their sad faces. He wanted to cry, to scream, to tear the world down, but he couldn’t because he had stowed these feelings away a long, long time ago and they were bottled up for good. Drinking seemed like an acceptable solution. Didn’t Kevin choose the same coping mechanism all the time?

“Andrew?” Jeremy said kindly. Too kindly. Why did he always have to be so fucking kind. “What happened?”

“Fuck, if I knew,” Andrew said after a moment of consideration, a sigh leaving his chest. He brought the bottle up to his mouth and took a large swig. Then another. He was about to take a third when Kevin ripped the bottle out of his hand. Traitor.

“Enough,” Kevin said firmly, earning him only a tired glare. “What the fuck is going on? Why do you look colder than you did when we first met?”

Andrew blinked at him. He didn’t realize his expressionless mask was back. His chest hurt like he’d been stabbed and everything else felt numb. It felt like there were no emotions left. Just a physical ache settling down behind his ribcage, as if his heart got torn apart and was rattling in his chest like a bunch of shards. He had no idea how it was possible to feel like he was dying without feeling an emotion.

With all eyes on him, he blinked again, reached into his pocket and pulled out the note. He watched their faces go from confusion to shock to pity?

No, not pity.

Not compassion. Not sorrow. Something deeper. Sympathy, maybe? Andrew didn’t have the emotional resources to figure it out and it didn’t matter anyway.

Jeremy reached a hand out to him, but to his own luck, retreated before actually touching Andrew. He instead settled on using words. “Andrew...”

“Come on, mon chou,” Jean interrupted, placing a hand on Jeremy’s shoulder. “Kevin can handle this while we pour a real drink.”

Kevin waited to speak until they all were out of the room. “What the fuck is this?”

“How should I know, Kevin?” Andrew could hear how monotone his voice had become over the last hour. Not even his annoyance could breach the surface. “That was on the fridge when I got home. Neil’s room is empty and Connor’s is a mess. I have a house full of baby toys for a baby I don’t have, apparently, and isn’t that how my life was supposed to be like? Don’t we all know that that’s exactly how it needed to end?”

Andrew let out a cold, dry laugh like it was a joke.

“Did you try calling him?”

Andrew couldn’t even manage to roll his eyes. “No, Kevin. I came straight here without calling him, or Matt, or your dad... Of course I called everyone I could think of. No one has heard from him today.”

Kevin snorted and rolled his eyes. “At least, for once it’s not me needing relationship advice. I’ll kick his ass when he comes to work.”

“Did you not read the note?” Andrew asked, his annoyance slowly reaching its peak, but he knew his face and voice wouldn’t betray him. “It says he left town. I’ll put fifty bucks on him not even coming in to pick up his last paycheck.”

“But why? Why would he just leave?” Kevin asked into the silence. Andrew was staring at the wall and ignoring him now. “He has friends and family here.”

Jeremy walked in with a soft blanket and a double whiskey, followed by Jean with even more blankets.

“Here you go,” Jeremy said with a small smile. “You’re welcome to stay here as long as you need.”

If he hadn’t felt so numb, Andrew would have laughed at Jeremy’s poor attempt at making him feel better. As if a blanket and a whiskey could replace Neil and Connor, his family, his everything. He draped the blanket over his legs and chugged the whiskey, relishing the burn in his throat.

“So, what do you wanna do now?” Jean asked once Kevin and Jeremy were seated next to him on the sofa, all three cuddled up beneath one big blanket. Andrew wanted to scream.

“What can I do? Shall I chase him down? Definitely not, because he fucking said he wants to leave.” He hadn’t planned to raise his voice, but it felt good to let it out. To lash out even though his friends weren’t to hold accountable for whatever had happened. But wasn’t that what friends were for?

“I’ll talk to dad. He has connections to most motels and hotels. Maybe he can tell us more,” Kevin thought aloud.

“You can’t do that!” Andrew intervened, not able to stand Kevin’s bullshit. “If he wants to be left alone, let him be. Period.”

Silence stretched between the four, neither of them knowing what to say. Andrew was grateful — was grateful that he could sit and suffer. Sit and suffer. Sit and suffer. Sit and suffer. At least, he knew how to stand that.

He didn’t even recognize that Kevin left the room. He only knew Kevin must have left when he came back with a pizza box in his arms, which he dropped straight into Andrew’s lap.

The TV filled the silence with random noise, helping Andrew to stay in his bubble for as long as he could. He left his pizza untouched and stared into the distance until his eyes burned.

What should have been a blink had obviously turned into a full nap, since the next time Andrew opened his eyes, the living room was dark and the only sound filling the void was Kevin’s snoring.

Andrew got out of the armchair and nudged Kevin until he startled awake, sending him off to bed. One of them suffering was enough. He entered the guest room and fell onto the mattress not even bothering to take off his clothes. Maybe it was better this way. Maybe they were the armour he needed tonight.

Sinking into the pillow, the heaviness of his thoughts took over him. The pillow didn’t smell like Neil and there were no slobbery kisses to get from Connor. Only emptiness. A black hole. No light, only darkness. As the realization kicked in, as Andrew felt the severity of Neil’s decision, Andrew allowed himself something he hadn’t done in an eternity. He didn’t even blink the tears away before darkness engulfed him again.

Chapter Text

The freezing breeze hit Andrew’s face, painfully reddening his cheeks and nose within seconds. He wrapped his coat a bit tighter around his shaking frame as he made his way from the car to the airport entrance with only his hand baggage in tow. The pain was comforting in the way the cuts had been back when Andrew had needed an outlet to survive another night of humiliation in California. Back when a thirteen year old Andrew had hidden his silent sobs in his blanket until the pain had passed, and had been replaced with anger and then resignation. Back when he had found hope in a foster mother who hadn’t sent him away for the first fits he’d thrown, but rather had offered a hug and some hot chocolate. Of course, that hope had just been crushed again when she’d sent Andrew a letter after her shame-of-a-son’s death to let Andrew know it was him who had destroyed Drake.

Before he had read Neil’s note, Andrew had been sure that he would never even come close to that kind of pain again, and yet here he was, left behind to deal with an aching heart he wanted to rip out just to not feel anymore.

The loudspeaker announcement informed him of a ten minute delay, and gave him enough time to browse some magazines in the small shop. When he passed by the parenting magazines section, he shook his head and turned on his heel to get to his gate. He’d rather sit and wait.

Andrew had never taken a liking to flying. He was sure Aaron had moved to Chicago just to see Andrew as little as possible, knowing too well how hard it was for him to get time off for long enough to make the drive. When his gate finally opened for boarding, he quickly took his seat and closed his eyes, promising himself to not open them again until they’d landed.

Halfway through, a kid began to cry, and Andrew wanted to scream, wanted to tear the whole plane apart. He’d survived far more than a simple heartache, but nothing compared to the helplessness he’d been feeling since he’d woken up to an empty house and a simple note with a coffee stain.

Aaron was waiting for him by the exit. At least he spared Andrew a pitiful look and led him straight to the car to get them home. Unfortunately, January in Chicago was much colder than in Palmetto, and Andrew didn’t like the cold at all. Big flakes of snow were tumbling down towards the concrete, turning the world into a glistening winter wonderland. Connor would love it , Andrew thought to himself, letting the pain at the thought absorb him.

“How was your flight?” Aaron asked, and pulled Andrew out of his vortex of emotions.

“Too long.” Andrew didn’t want to talk to his brother, although he had to admit that his presence had a soothing effect on him nonetheless.

Aaron hummed and cranked up the car heater to warm his hands while they waited for the green light. “Katelyn prepared the sofa for you. With the twins we don’t have a guest room anymore.”

“The sofa will do,” Andrew rasped and propped his head against the window, letting the cool soothe his headache.

Neither of them spoke another word until they pulled into the driveway of Aaron and Katelyn’s small suburban house. Andrew had bought it for them when they had moved to Chicago. Warm lights illuminated the blue windows, and the white porch was just as meticulous as the rest of the small front lawn, with its tidy path leading up to the house. The whole property screamed ‘happy family’. It was unbearable.

The house smelled like soup and homemade bread, and Andrew realized that he hadn’t had a proper meal in days. His stomach began to rumble and to roil all at once. Aaron let Andrew deposit his baggage by the stairs, and led him over into the living room where Katelyn was breastfeeding a tiny bundle, cheeks rosy and head covered with a mint green cap.

“Hello, Andrew,” Katelyn said softly and gave Andrew a tired smile. There were bags under her eyes, and she looked exhausted, but a kind of bliss — something unknown to Andrew — radiated off of her, making Andrew attempt a tired smile. “Oh, Ethan, look who’s here,” she started whispering to the baby in her arms. “Your uncle Andrew surely wants to meet you.” Andrew walked over and looked at the small sucking creature, finally understanding what Neil had meant. In exactly that moment, Andrew knew that he’d do anything to keep this baby safe, to make it have the best life possible, to keep all the harm lurking in this awful world away.

Aaron walked in with a second bundle a few seconds later, grinning like a Cheshire cat. “I’m sure Olivia wants to meet you, too,” he whispered, and walked over to Andrew to hand the baby over into his arms.

Andrew cradled the little girl to his chest, breathing in her unique baby scent, thinking nothing in the world could smell better. She opened her eyes and looked up at him, keeping her face straight, which wasn’t surprising when Andrew looked like her father. She certainly was the most beautiful human being Andrew had ever seen (well, right after Connor and Neil, if he was completely honest, but the truth only hurt more, so he refrained).

“Hello, Olivia,” Andrew whispered. He settled in the armchair by the fireplace and gently stroked Olivia’s cheek with his index finger. “I’m your uncle Andrew, and I promise I will do anything to watch you grow into a beautiful, strong woman, just like your mom, but don’t tell her I said that, okay?” He lifted his eyes to look at Katelyn who smiled at him and ferried her son over into Aaron’s arms.

“Oh, hello little boy,” Aaron cooed, “ready for your burp? You wanna do your burp on uncle Andrew’s shoulder? I’m sure he’ll be delighted.”

Andrew shrugged and accepted his nephew in exchange for his niece. He threw a cloth over his shoulder and got up to walk around the room, gently stroking the little boy’s back as he waited for the burps to come. Of course, Ethan spat on his shoulder, but Andrew didn’t mind at all and just wiped it away.

When the twins were settled in their crib, Aaron and Andrew settled on the sofa while Katelyn left to the bedroom with an early goodnight. Half a whiskey bottle and an eternity of silence later, Aaron spoke up.

“So, what is all this about? You called, you wanted to fly over, and now you’re here without Neil and Connor.”

Andrew chugged the rest of his whiskey and leaned into the cushions, rubbing his face. “There’s no Connor or Neil anymore,” he eventually said, trying to swallow down the lump in his throat. Since Neil had left, Andrew had felt numb, but now with his brother by his side, he let his sadness consume him, not even trying to hold back the tears welling up in his eyes.

“Oh, fuck, Drew.” Aaron filled their glasses up again and took a generous sip while he watched Andrew wipe his misty eyes. “Wanna tell me what happened or just bottle it up and deal with it alone like always?”

“Spare me your fucking lecture, Aaron. I know my own faults. Why do you think I came here, huh?” Andrew snorted and let the burn of the whiskey running down his throat comfort him. Aaron waited and popped some chips into his mouth. “I got home from work last Thursday and he was gone. Just like that. Left me a note. Something about him not wanting me to take care of him anymore.” Andrew hated how his voice broke at his last words, hated how his eyes stung, how his heart ached, how he felt, felt, felt . But most of all he hated himself for falling in love with a pipedream, how he had made himself vulnerable when he already knew that love was nothing but a mere concept he wouldn’t ever get to understand.

He could hear Aaron swallow and rub his face before he sighed and let his hand hover over Andrew’s thigh. Andrew was too exhausted, too tired to push it away or deny his brother his attempt at comforting him, so he nodded and let the warmth of Aaron’s hand be a soothing balm to his agony.

“I know you hate it, and I know you don’t care, but I do, Drew, and I mean it. I’m sorry.” Aaron’s stare burned like a laser gun directed at Andrew’s head.

Whatever had happened to him in his life, Andrew had dealt with it on his own. He didn’t want pity, didn’t want comfort, didn’t want to see that others cared because then he would realize that he meant something to this world he didn’t want to mean a damn to.

“I knew that he’d leave,” Andrew muttered, his gaze emptying out at the thought of being alone again. He’d pushed it away ever since Neil had left, but now it was hitting him full force, there, in his brother’s house that was a home while his own would never be a home again without Connor’s shrieks or sloppy kisses, without Neil coming home from a tour to drop his bag by the stairs, eyes filling with bliss at the sight of a freshly prepared dinner. “I just thought I was prepared.”

“Andrew, I—” Aaron let his head fall back into his neck and groaned. Andrew almost huffed at the resemblance, at the fact that his brother was just as bad at feelings as him. “He shouldn’t have left and he is fucking stupid if he thinks that’s the right thing to do. If he were around I’d kick his ass and some sense into his fucking brain, but he’s not and I know that that wouldn’t change a damn thing. And you know what?” Aaron’s voice was getting louder, his breathing labored as he talked himself into a rage Andrew had rarely seen him in. “The most fucked up thing about this is that he’s just like you. He’s fucking afraid of being loved, just like you are fucking afraid of being loved back. And now I’m sitting here with only six hours of sleep on my weekly sleep clock and I have to watch you and Josten throw your lives away because neither of you can kick your super-egos out of the way.”

“He didn’t want it, Aaron, fuck!” Andrew yelled at his brother, realizing that this was the first time he had ever yelled at Aaron. “Neil didn’t want a relationship and I pushed him into something he had no interest in. I wasn’t any better than them!”

“Shut your damn face, Andrew! Don’t give me that bullshit! You know that you can’t compare that at all. You didn’t fucking rape him!” Aaron got up and paced about the living room, his face red and hands trembling. “You two may have fucked and that’s it, but I know he said yes because you wouldn’t have touched him otherwise and because everyone could fucking see that you were much more than just a friend to him. And now he’s running away to continue living a sob story because he’s afraid of good things just like you. I have a wife who went through hell to give birth to two wonderful kids and I swear, they expect a big cousin because I already told them about him, and you better get him back!”

Aaron’s gaze met Andrew’s, open like a hole in a brick wall, overspilling with a hundred emotions. He looked tired, but also stronger than Andrew had ever seen him. It was strange, but the fact that his brother had learned to stand his ground made Andrew a tiny bit proud. “You talk to your kids about a cousin they don’t have yet?”

“I swear to god, Andrew, if that was everything you got out of this talk, I’ll kick your ass, too, because I don’t care if you are threatening me anymore. I won’t stand by and watch you throw your happiness out the window. Swallow your damn self-pity and get your ass out there. I don’t wanna see your fucking sad face for the rest of my life just because you and Josten couldn’t get your shit together. And I won’t put up with your sad look whenever I hold my babies or whenever you hold them. So get the fuck out of my house and get that family of yours back!”

Andrew watched the amber liquid in his glass wash against the walls like the sea breaking on the shore. “You really think he wants someone like me?” Andrew scoffed and downed his whiskey. “You know what the fucked up thing is? I can understand him. I can understand why the hell he left me; I would leave myself if I didn’t have to care for your happy little family here.”

“If you need a scapegoat for having to stay alive, I’ll gladly be one, asshole.” Aaron stomped off to the kitchen and started to move dishes around. After a few seconds, he returned to the living room and threw a small box at Andrew, slumping down into the armchair.

“What’s this?” Andrew asked when he’d opened the box and a bunch of dollar bills looked back at him.

“A hundred bucks for every year I’ve been alive and clean,” Aaron muttered, and poured himself the rest of whiskey. “And I can only add one every year because of you. And the day I die, my kids will get that box and I hope they’ll realize they wouldn’t be here without you.” Aaron dragged his gaze away from the glass in his hands and let it wander over to Andrew. “You mean something to people, Andrew. Me, Bee, Kevin, Katelyn, Wymack, and god damn it, yes, to Neil, too. He’s just too much of an asshole to admit it. I guess you two have that in common.”

Aaron downed his whiskey and collected the empty bottle and glasses. On his way to the kitchen he halted in the doorway to look at Andrew once more. “I’m going to bed. The kids will wake up in two hours, and it’s my turn. I know you know how much I mean it, so I would be more than happy to find you gone as soon as possible. And for the future: start calling me. That’s why you have my number.”

He turned around and was gone, leaving Andrew in the dimly lit living room and the demons in his head, but somehow he felt lighter. Ten minutes and a three-hundred dollar purchase later, Andrew laid down on the sofa, thinking about Neil and Connor until sleep lured him in.

~

Neil woke up to Connor’s whining, his head aching and eyes burning. Leaving Andrew hadn’t been easy at all, and with a whiny Connor, he was missing him all the more.

“Dadaaaa,” Connor squealed, and slapped Neil’s face with his tiny hand.

“No, Connor, no hitting,” Neil scolded his son tiredly and sat up in the shabby motel bed, pulling the boy into his lap. His time in Palmetto was ending where it had started over six months ago. The same worn-out curtains, the almost too-sterile bathroom, the saggy mattress — if Neil was honest, it was a tragedy.

The worst part was, that Neil understood Connor on every level. He watched the trickle of tears stream down his son’s cheeks, and soon felt mist on his own lashes. What was the sense of holding back his tears if no one was around to see him break down anyway. He might as well let it out and have a good cry with Connor. Maybe, his heart would stop aching once his agony found an outlet.

What a stupid thought. Twenty minutes into crying and cuddling a wailing Connor, Neil only felt more pain, and his headache slowly turned into a migraine.

The knock on the door was quite unsettling, and Neil was determined to send whoever it was to hell. He wiped his eyes with the sleeves of Andrew’s hoodie that he’d taken with him, and trotted to the door, his prepared lecture on the tip of his tongue. When he pressed down the door handle, every single word was gone.

“Jesus Christ, look at you,” Kevin said and shook his head, peeking into the motel room. “Really? You left him for this?”

“Kevin, what the hell are you doing here?” Neil gritted through his teeth, being on the point of shutting the door in Kevin’s face. Before the door snapped shut, Jeremy jumped in and held it open, giving Neil a compassionate smile.

“Hey, Neil. Sorry, we didn’t want to overwhelm you.” Jeremy side-eyed a groaning Kevin and nudged him into an absolutely not convincing, “Yeah, sorry.”

“How did you even find me?” Neil asked and walked back to his bed, leaving the two men to their own devices.

They followed him in, Kevin propping himself against the wall, and Jeremy slumping down in the armchair after shoving a bunch of clothes aside. Neil didn’t miss Kevin’s condescending sniff, but he couldn’t have cared less about his radiating body odor.

“Wymack made a few calls. Rose, the lady working the counter, is a friend of his,” Jeremy said and was interrupted by Kevin yelling, “We were fucking worried about you, Josten! Don’t you ever do this again!” He turned to Jeremy, exhaustion settling on his face. “Babe, you gotta do this!”

Neil sighed and buried his face in his hands, rubbing his day-old stubble. “I know I should have given you a heads-up. I just needed to get out of there.”

Kevin walked over to the minibar and took out two mini-bottles of some indecipherable liquor, knocking one back immediately. Jeremy shot him a pitying glance, but ever the polite one, they would no doubt discuss it later in private.

“Maybe you could talk to us next time? What happened? Last time we saw you and Andrew, you two seemed so damn happy,” Jeremy said, his voice tinged with sadness.

Neil sighed again and shook his head, gaze drifting off. “Nothing, really, I guess. Andrew was perfect and caring, and then we had sex a—”

“You had what ?” Kevin cut Neil short, eyes almost popping out of his head.

“Did he hurt you?” Jeremy jumped in, expression turning from pitying to worried within a second.

“What?” Neil couldn’t believe they really thought Andrew could hurt him in any way. “No! It was great. That’s the point though.” A tear slipped from his cheek as the pain kicked back in, his heart longing for Andrew in ways it had never longed for anyone before.

Kevin and Jeremy looked at him with wide eyes, neither of them moving until Kevin took the other bottle of liquor and downed it. “I can’t do this!” Kevin suddenly exclaimed, smacking his thighs as he got up and walked around the room. “Jer, you gotta handle this shit. He’s crying. I. Do. Not. Do. Crying.”

“Oh, come on!” Jeremy scoffed, “You’ve pulled that shit off a million times. Do I need to remind you how often you run off to Andrew’s and throw a fit? Right, didn’t think so,” Jeremy added when Kevin blushed and hung his head.

Neil had never seen Kevin like this. It was strange to see this tall man, someone seemingly so organized and put together, feeling so lost. Jeremy walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge, pulling Neil into a hug he wasn’t prepared for. It felt strange to be hugged for comfort. No one had ever done it after his mother had died, so being comforted physically was a concept he still had to get used to.

“So, you had sex. Just like that?” Jeremy asked, rubbing Neil’s back.

“Not just like that,” Neil mumbled into Jeremy’s shoulder, finally slumping into the embrace. He knew it wasn’t the whole truth, but still pretty close and the most he could tell Kevin and Jeremy without mentioning his uncle or his mob connections. “Whatever. Fact is, I liked it. It was really great. Andrew was being great. I enjoyed being with him… but I was using him.”

Kevin groaned and Jeremy pulled away, wrinkles of confusion showing on his forehead. “You liked it? And now you think you’re using him because he wanted you and you wanted him? You realize that makes no sense at all, right?”

Neil thought about Jeremy’s words, about what Andrew had done for Connor and him, how he had slowly become a part of their everyday life. He thought about Andrew going out of his way to make both of them happy. It wasn’t like Neil hadn’t wanted all that. He had. But he couldn’t have it, because stuff like that was made for movies, not Nathaniel Wesninski’s life.

“I didn’t want to lose him,” Neil eventually admitted, voice low. “I miss him.”

“You. Left!” Kevin shouted, turning on his heel to stomp over to the bed. Before Jeremy could step in, Kevin had Neil by the shoulders and shook him. “You left him, you idiot! That’s not what you do when you love somebody, you know? I’ve never seen Andrew like that before—”

“Babe.”

“—and believe me, I basically grew up with him for years. Andrew Minyard didn’t do relationships—”

“Babe!”

“Let me talk some fucking sense into him,” Kevin yelled, turning back to Neil. “He didn’t do relationships until you stumbled into his damn diner. We had barely ever seen him smile,” Kevin said, voice calmer than before, his grip still tight though, “and then we saw him with you and the little lad over there,” he cocked his head toward Connor, “and he smiled. He fucking smiled, Neil. Andrew’s face had been nothing but blank for so long, and you know what? A few days ago he knocked on my door and it was back. The blankness was back. He fucking loves you, you idiot,” Kevin spat and let go of Neil’s shoulders, leaving his body shaking.

Neil could see Kevin’s sharp inhale, his chest heaving as he slumped into the armchair. “If I sound like this when I run off to Andrew’s, fucking kick me out next time,” Kevin mumbled, and seemed to be done with the conversation completely as he buried his face in his hands.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt him,” Neil said, looking at Jeremy.

“You know, we all make mistakes. There are some mistakes we can’t make up for, but this doesn’t have to be over. We all could see you meant more to Andrew than just a friend.” Jeremy’s voice was calm, soothing, understanding — exactly what Neil needed, although Kevin’s outburst had made a huge impact.

“I just feel so stupid. Connor loves Andrew. Andrew was good with Connor. How could he ever forgive me? I don’t deserve him.”

“We don’t deserve this ,” Kevin said and sighed, his green eyes piercing through Neil’s. “You really think we’d be here if you didn’t stand a chance?”

“Kevin has a point there. Andrew’s our friend and we want to help him, but nothing could help him more than getting his family back,” Jeremy said and smiled.

It hit Neil like a truck. Family . He had seen Andrew around his actual family, but he had never gone so far out of his way for them like he had for Neil and Connor. Maybe Andrew had been right. Maybe Neil was saying a lot of stupid things. But what if Andrew realized that having a kid and Neil was suffocating for him? What if he left Connor and him behind at some point? It would hurt him, for sure, but Connor would lose a father figure, and that was worse.

“What if all this suffocates him? He never wanted a relationship or kids. What if he wakes up one day and realizes he can’t do this anymore?” Neil asked, fiddling with the sleeve of his hoodie.

Kevin and Jeremy snorted in unison, giving each other a look Neil didn’t understand. He sometimes hated how often he failed at reading social interactions. “What?”

“Neil. Once Andrew’s in, it’s all in and it’s forever. He won’t back down,” Jeremy said with a grin on his lips, beaming at Neil.

“Plus, he’d never had another guy in his bed before. As sad as it sounds, it just emphasizes how much he likes you,” Kevin muttered almost indecipherably.

Connor stirred in the cushions, obviously taking the quiet as an incentive to fill it with whining. Neil scooped the boy up into his arms and rocked him gently, humming a Christmas melody he’d snatched on their trip to the Christmas market four weeks ago. They had been there with Andrew, and for the first time ever, Neil had felt as though he could learn to like Christmas time. No blood, no screams, no fear, no knives, no “errands” to be run for his father.

Neil exhaled and nuzzled his son, stroking back a red curl falling into his face. “I guess you’re right. I was so damn stupid.”

“That’s the most reasonable thing I’ve ever heard from you,” Kevin said and got up, making his way over to the door. He propped his shoulder against the frame, obviously waiting for a still grinning Jeremy.

“I think you got it, man.” Jeremy squeezed Neil’s shoulder and got up, too, not leaving though without first pressing a kiss to Connor’s head. “You two deserve this, you know. You’re doing great! Having you around once we have kids would be… convenient.”

With his signature beam, Jeremy strode over to Kevin and cupped his cheek to press a kiss to his mouth before they said their goodbyes and slipped out the door. Neil glanced around the motel room, every flaw weighing twice as heavy at the realization that he’d left Andrew for this.

Luckily, he hadn’t taken much when he’d left. Repacking his duffel took him merely twenty minutes. He hoped the only times he’d pack it again would be with a certain blond by his side.

Chapter Text

As soon as the plane landed, Andrew turned his phone on. Coming from Chicago to South Carolina was like changing a world for a completely different one. Stepping onto the airstairs, rays of sun and a comfortable warmth hit his face. He relished it for a small moment before making his way into the airport.

Bringing only a carry-on meant he skipped the baggage claim and could head straight to the car, which he’d left in long term parking. The fee was ridiculous for just two nights, but he paid without complaining and was on the road home within minutes of exiting the plane.

His phone dinged as he drove, alerting him to a new text message. It was from Jeremy, offering only an address and room number.

Andrew recognized it right away. It was the shady, run-down motel across town that no one in their right mind would stay at — which meant Neil had to be there. He had asked Kevin and his boyfriends not to look for Neil, but now that Andrew’d decided to go after Neil, he was glad they hadn’t obeyed. At some point, he’d still tell them off for disrespecting boundaries, but for now, he was on a mission.

The old receptionist scrutinized Andrew with furrowed brows, hunching her shoulders as if she was facing a feral animal. He recognised her look - it was one he knew well from when he was younger and angrier, when he didn't run the diner and fewer people knew him - it was intimidation. He supposed the all black clothes didn't help, nor the sunglasses covering his eyes.

He walked over to the counter, giving a small nod and let her know that he was looking for Room 135.

“May I ask who you are looking for?” the lady asked, holding out a hand for Andrew’s ID.

“Neil Josten,” he said, and then added, “My partner.” He wasn’t sure if he said it because he knew he had higher chances at getting to his room more quickly or because he wanted it to be the truth.

She did a double-take, obviously to make sure Andrew wasn’t up to no good, before she nodded to her right with narrowed eyes and dismissed him with, “Along the hallway, stairs to the first floor, on the right hand.”

Andrew let out a sigh as he reached the stairs, climbing them with his chest tightening with every step. Golden letters on a worn out wooden door signalled Andrew that he was in front of room 135. He stared,  feeling like his personal doomsday had arrived. Here, every question would find closure. Here, the decision about what his future would look like would be made. 

Gathering all his strength, Andrew raised his hand to knock. He paused. His fist hung in the air, trembled there. What if Aaron was wrong? What if Neil slammed the door in his face? There would be no coming back from that.

But it was too late to turn around. Andrew had made it this far. There was no way in hell he was going to leave now, not without getting some answers. If Neil threw him out, at least he wouldn’t spend the rest of his life on ‘what if’s’.

The second his knuckles hit the wood, the door flew open and before Andrew had a chance to comprehend, Neil and Connor were crashing into him.

Gasping Neil pulled back and clutched onto Connor tightly. Andrew and Neil stared at each other for a moment. The air stilled. Connor reached out for Andrew with his stuffed fox dangling from his arm, squeaks cutting through the silence. Andrew gentled him out of Neil’s arms and cradled him to his chest, never wanting to let go again. He knew he loved this little man that had brightened his life in so many ways, but he didn’t know how deeply he could hurt at the mere prospect of losing him again.

Connor wrapped his tiny arms around Andrew’s neck in a death grip, nearly choking him as Andrew hugged him back as tightly as he could without hurting him. He rested his cheek against Connor’s hair, breathing him in for the first time in over a week.

Andrew had endured a lot in his life and yet had never felt so ripped apart.

Neil held his gaze the entire time — eyes blue, so blue, like an ocean pulling him under the waves and Andrew was willing to drown — which meant Andrew could see when Neil’s face shifted from wide eyes and tight muscles to something softer. Despite his expression relaxing, Neil’s body remained tense.

Andrew opened his mouth and so did Neil and their words clashed and tumbled through the air.

“Andrew I-”

“I should have-”

They both stared at each other, saying nothing for a moment before Neil started again.

“Can I say something first?” Neil asked, his voice cracking and brows furrowed.

Andrew nodded, snuggling Connor as close as he could while he prepared himself for whatever Neil needed him to hear.

“You’ve always said you don’t want a relationship and you don’t want kids. I was so happy with you that I forgot about that, but then I got a message from my uncle about him visiting for my birthday. I tried to tell him I’m too busy, but that made him want to come even more so he could help. And he wanted to stay with me, but I couldn't ask you to do that because this thing,” Neil gestured between them, “this wasn’t a relationship. And if I brought my only family into it, then it would be a real relationship, and I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t force you into something that you have been very clear about not wanting from the beginning.”

“Neil, don’t do this to him, don’t do this to yourself. Don’t do this to me, ” Andrew said as he swayed back and forth, rocking Connor who had loosened his chokehold enough that he was grabbing onto the back of his shirt instead. He wanted to clarify so much, tell Neil how wrong he was, fix this unimaginably large miscommunication.

“Let me finish.” Neil looked close to tearing up, so Andrew nodded for him to continue. The doorway of a shitty motel room was not the place to have this conversation, but that’s where it was going to happen anyway.

“I left because I thought I was manipulating you into something you don’t want. You said yes to everything, but I was disrespecting your wishes just by asking. And—” Neil took a deep breath as he wiped at his eye. “And then I spent a week here and I was miserable and Connor was miserable and I was going to make us both miserable forever, just so you could maybe be less miserable.”

Neil swallowed audibly, averting his eyes to the ground. Andrew wanted to grab his chin and tilt his head up, look into his ocean eyes and let him know that he and Connor were his everything. He was almost startled when Neil mumbled, “Jeremy and Kevin came to see us a few minutes ago. They said you were miserable because I left, even though that’s what I was trying to prevent by leaving. Andrew, I’m sorry. I should have just talked to you instead of jumping to conclusions and leaving.”

Andrew stared at him. Everything Neil said he was doing to Andrew mirrored what he’d told Aaron he was doing to Neil. They were both being so stupid about everything — not that Neil being stupid was a surprise, but Andrew was about to facepalm himself for his own stupidity. One conversation a week ago could have solved all of this. No matter what happened now, Andrew was not going to let miscommunication be the reason they fucked this thing up.

“You thought you were manipulating me?” Andrew asked, his voice packed with more emotion than he’d ever let show, but he had no power to hide the cracks anymore, the fissure in his chest that the last week had rent wide. “Do you know why I let you go without any resistance? Because I thought I was taking advantage of you. You just needed some help taking care of your child and I managed to get you into my bed, even though I knew that you don’t like people like that. That’s why I let you go.”

Andrew reached out and grabbed a handful of Neil’s shirt, tugging lightly to pull him closer. Neil blinked and a small tear made its way down his check. Andrew wanted nothing more than to wipe it away. He was careful not to touch Neil’s chest at all, in case he didn’t want that, letting Neil decide if he wanted to come. The hesitation was unnecessary. Neil stepped forward, wrapping both Connor and Andrew into a tight hug.

Andrew’s body quivered like it was about to combust, his legs shaking and hands trembling at the touch he had missed and thought was lost forever. Yet, here he was, standing his ground, fighting for something, everything, the only thing he wanted. If Bee were around, she would tear up and wax about how far he’d come.

“So we were both stupid, huh?” Andrew murmured into Neil’s shoulder, inhaling deeply.

“I think so,” Neil said, and Andrew could feel Neil’s grin through the fabric of his jacket. “Can we go home?” Neil murmured into his shoulder.

“Only if you promise to never pull off something like that ever again. I can’t do this a second time.” Andrew gritted his teeth, fighting the urge to reign in his honesty, exposing himself so openly, willingly.

“Never again,” Neil whispered and cupped Andrew’s cheek, pulling him in, stopping before their lips touched.

That’s why Andrew had fallen in love with Neil. He was always offering, never demanding. Neil took him for who he was without batting an eye, without ever judging him or his boundaries. So Andrew accepted and leaned in, ready to give his everything to these two men, come what may.

On the way to the car, Andrew handed Neil his keys, climbing into the backseat with Connor, who refused to let go of him. Andrew didn’t mind at all. He had to catch up on all the slobbery, sloppy kisses he had missed.

“What about my car?” Neil asked.

“We can get it tomorrow,” Andrew said. “Or leave that tragedy of a vehicle here forever, I don’t fucking care.”

Neil let out a relieved laugh. “I’ll text Kevin to come pick it up. He can use the spare key I keep at work.”

The engine started. They were going home.

~

The ride home was uneventful, thankfully.

Every time Neil looked in the rearview mirror, he could see Andrew with his head leaning against Connor’s car seat as they held hands, Andrew’s eyes closed as if he was asleep. It warmed Neil’s heart every time, eliciting a sting in his chest again as he realized what he’d almost lost, what he’d almost walked away from because he was ignoring the truth that was right in front of his eyes.

When he pulled into the driveway of Andrew’s home — their home — Neil promised himself he would never be so stupid again.

Andrew pulled Connor out of his car seat and wrapped him in another huge hug, which Connor returned with more enthusiasm than he normally did. He pressed a giant wet kiss onto Andrew’s cheek and buried his head in his shoulder as they made their way over to the spacious porch.

“I missed you so much, my little crab,” Andrew whispered into Connor’s ear, quiet enough that Neil was sure he wasn’t supposed to hear it. “Never forget that, okay? Because I will always be there and I...I love you, my bear.”

Connor said something back, but Neil missed it as he carried their bags into the house instead of continuing to listen in on their private conversation. He dumped their bags on the stairs and turned around just in time to see Andrew entering the house, carrying Connor. His son. Their son.

It was time to admit that Connor wasn’t just his anymore. That had come and gone a long time ago. Andrew was just as much a father to Connor as Neil was, and it had been that way for quite a while. It was hard for Neil to admit, but Connor had been looking at Andrew the same way he looked at Neil at least since they moved in, maybe even longer. Probably, one day they could make it official, but that was something for the future.

Thinking about what he would have taken away — from Connor, from Andrew, from himself — flooded Neil with a new sense of regret. Even if they were in for the long haul, making it through the months, years, decades to come, it still wouldn’t be enough time for him to make it all up to Andrew, but that did not mean that he wasn’t going to try.

Neil followed them into the living room and let Andrew push him onto the couch, quickly settling between Neil’s legs with Connor in his lap. He let Neil support his full weight, a sign of trust Andrew rarely showed. When Neil realized Andrew was literally pinning him into place, he smiled to himself. He felt safe, loved and appreciated. Andrew may not vocalize his feelings often, but he showed them with actions. This action was telling Neil that Andrew was not going to let him leave again.

As if Neil would ever want to.

When Connor refused to leave Andrew’s side for even a moment, Neil was forced to make dinner. He cooked some boxed pasta and chicken patties from the freezer and they ate on the living room floor as Connor sat on Andrew’s knee, playing with his trains. Every now and then, he stole a few bites from Neil or Andrew, even managing to sneak some chicken over to Sir. His giggles were giving him away, but neither Andrew nor Neil wanted to destroy his illusions just yet.

After dinner, they bathed him together, kneeling on the bathroom tiles with their arms in the tub splashing and squirting water at him. Sometimes Andrew’s hand would brush Neil’s, and something warm would settle in Andrew’s amber eyes. Neil didn’t miss the small smile that said more than Andrew would ever be willing to express with words, but Neil knew and that was all that counted.

Following their established routine, they dressed Connor together, wrangling him into his pajamas before they read to him, the three of them snuggled up on the giant bed in the master bedroom. The exhaustion of the last week must have taken its toll on the boy, his eyes drooping and his breathing evening out within seconds.

Neil and Andrew laid on either side of him, watching Connor sleep peacefully. Andrew’s hand was buried in Connor’s copper curls, fingers playing with the strands like they had with Neil’s on New Year’s Day. They both knew they would have to talk about everything that had led to Neil leaving, but for now they were okay and on the right track.

“I visited Aaron yesterday,” Andrew said out of a sudden, biting his lip. “Ethan and Olivia were born a few days ago and they’re already home. It’s a miracle they didn’t have to spend any time in the NICU.”

“How are they?” Neil asked. Andrew was staring at Connor as he slept, giving Neil the chance to watch him without being called out on his staring.

“They’re perfect. Beautiful,” Andrew said, words slurring, showing Neil just how emotionally drained he was. “I know what you mean now, about doing whatever it takes to give them the world.”

Neil smiled to himself, eyes wandering over Connor’s relaxed face. “You’ve already given them the world, Andrew. They wouldn’t be here without you taking care of Aaron and Katelyn for so long. If that conversation I overheard in the diner over the summer was what I think it was, they wouldn’t be here without you talking some sense into their parents.”

Andrew was silent, all focused on caressing Connor’s scalp. Neil didn’t mind it. He switched off the light and listened to his boys’ breathing. Being silent was different with Andrew. There was never the need to talk just to fill the void. The moment dragged on until Andrew sighed and lifted his eyes to Neil, deep wrinkles on his forehead.

“I don’t know how to do this, Neil. I don’t know how to be a dad, or an uncle, or a brother, or a partner,” Andrew said lowly, almost inaudibly.

“Yes, you do. You’ve been a great brother for years. You take care of Aaron and Kevin like you’re the only one responsible for them. And, you take care of Connor like he’s your own son.” Neil paused to take a deep breath, not wanting to let his emotions overflow again. Andrew looked at him in the gloom, just enough soft moonlight to catch on the fine blond of his hair and lashes, and Neil asked himself how he could have thought Andrew didn’t want this. “And you know what? If you want to be something like a father to him, you deserve it, because he loves you and you love him. Unconditionally, Andrew. And that means you already know how to be a good uncle, too.”

Neil leaned over Connor’s sleeping body and bumped his nose against Andrew’s, placing a gentle kiss to his forehead. “And, last but not least, you’re not the worst at this relationship thing, you know.” Neil grinned and winked, placing his hand on Andrew’s chest.

“Oh, and you can say that because you are so incredibly experienced?” Andrew let out a dry laugh and shook his head.

“No, I can tell that because I never wanted to scream someone’s name while they were suck—”

“Okay, okay, I get it.” Andrew shut Neil up by covering his mouth with one hand, and gripped his shirt with the other, drawing Neil in for a languid kiss. Neil couldn’t help the hum escaping his throat at the missed contact - lips on lips and tongue against tongue, bodies as close as Connor in the middle allowed.

When they pulled away to not wake Connor who was still sandwiched in between their bodies, Neil couldn’t believe how good life could be. “You are amazing, Andrew, and I know I’m not the only one thinking that way.”

Andrew’s small smile faltered as he huffed and studied the pillow underneath his head. “Amazing, huh? So amazing you left.”

“That was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life,” Neil said after a moment of consideration, wrapping one hand around Andrew’s nape. “I did it because I was trying to protect you, when I should have just talked to you. I will try making it up to you, every single day I’m lucky enough to spend with you.” Neil paused to find the right words. He slowly reached upwards with his free hand, brushing fingers over Andrew’s cheek. “What you do, Andrew, is more than anyone I know had ever done for their family. You do so much for so many people and don’t ask for anything in return. Anyone in the world who argues otherwise needs to shut their mouth.”

Neil could see that Andrew’s eyes were rather focused on the middle ground than on Neil’s face, but Neil knew how hard it was for Andrew to accept that deep inside, he had a very soft core. The small smile blossoming in the corners of Andrew’s mouth was enough of an answer.

As they drifted off to sleep, Andrew leaned forward and whispered, “If you ever do that again, I will kill you.”

With Andrew’s hoarse voice and glistening eyes, it felt more like he was saying ‘If you ever do that again, it will kill me’, and Neil just answered, “Never again, I promise,” before he shut his eyes.

Here was everything he needed, and nothing else mattered.

~

Andrew woke up to Connor laying on his chest, foot pressing into his bladder, and a completely numb arm thanks to it being trapped under Neil’s head. The sensations were extremely uncomfortable, and yet he found himself incapable of waking Neil and Connor so he could get up. The moment was too precious, and the contact so sought after.

It wasn’t long until Neil stirred, blinking at him in the morning light. A smile slowly stretched across his face. He was the most beautiful thing Andrew had ever woken up to and if he ever lost that again, he knew nothing would stop the storm from swallowing him whole. But Neil was there this morning, and life was good, and Neil’s lips were so inviting when he drawled, “Good morning, Drew.”

“I have to pee.” It was the truth. Neil liked the truth. The idiot laughed anyway, throwing his head back and exposing his long neck. Andrew’s bladder was the only thing holding him back from peppering Neil’s skin with a dozen hickeys. Well, his bladder and a toddler sprawled on his chest.

Neil carefully helped Andrew move Connor so he could get up without waking him. As soon as he was out of the bathroom again, Andrew climbed back into bed and pulled Neil close. They naturally found their way into their favorite position, with Neil’s head on Andrew’s chest and Andrew’s arm wrapped around Neil’s frame. Connor fit perfectly into Andrew’s other arm, leaving Andrew sandwiched in the middle of them.

A fleeting feeling of peace washed over him for the first time since he had walked into the house to find Neil’s letter waiting for him.

Who would have thought Andrew Minyard, the ex-juvie, I-don’t-do-boyfriends guy, would wake up in his bed, with a man he wanted to wake up to for the rest of his life in one arm and a child he accepted as his own in the other? Frankly, not even Andrew himself.

Yet here he was, in a house he had always considered too big, which would be filled with laughter and toys and his cold feet under Neil’s warm calves and moans of lust and small confessions of love in the middle of the night, on the terrace, with a burning cigarette and the stars as the only light in the darkness surrounding them.

Andrew couldn’t deny that him and Neil were broken people, molded by the worst things the universe had to offer; but didn’t two negatives make a positive in the end? Bee had told Andrew once that all pain was only temporary and that one day, that pain could be numbed, pushed into the background, replaced by something much more powerful: Love. Andrew had never believed that could be an option for him. Now, he tentatively, hopefully, let himself consider that yes, perhaps, love was something he could deserve, too

~

It took a few days before Andrew could let Neil or Connor out of his sight without worrying. Every missed call sent a wave of anxiety through him that he couldn’t explain.

Yet, Neil knew somehow. Throughout all his years in Palmetto, Andrew had always seemed to be a conundrum to the people surrounding him, even the closest such as Kevin or Wymack.

Neil, however, managed to read Andrew like no one else could, always knowing exactly what he needed to hear, and when he needed a break. Neil’s phone was always charged and on the highest ringer, so the chances of him missing a call were slim to none.

The concept of soulmates seemed ridiculous to Andrew, but now and then, he thought if something like soulmates existed, Neil would be his.

They dealt with Stuart’s visit the best they could. He wanted to stay with them, but Neil insisted he’d stay in a hotel room. Neil even offered to pay for it, but Stuart refused, even leaving some money.

For Connor, Stuart insisted. Maybe for his college. Maybe, because your mother would have blown my neck if she knew I left without making sure you two would be alright.

Before Stuart left, he gave Andrew the shovel talk, which was significantly more effective coming from a man who could easily follow through with his threats with no repercussions. But Stuart wasn’t a Wesninski, and Neil knew the threats were mostly empty when Stuart said he could see how good they were for each other. In a twinge of sentimentality, Stuart expressed his admiration for their dedication and how they brought out the soft and playful sides in each other — something that had been lost in the Hatford-Wesninski clan years ago.

One thing that did nearly end in someone being stabbed was Stuart's decision to start paying for Andrew's family, too. Without batting an eye, Stuart paid for a year of Aaron and Katelyn’s tuition, claiming he could write it off as scholarship donation.

Andrew didn’t like that, he could take care of his people on his own, but he had to admit it was helpful not having to worry about half of his yearly income going to med school.

When Stuart offered to expand the scholarship until Aaron and Katelyn’s graduation, Neil knew it would take some time for Andrew to accept, but Aaron was Neil’s family now, too. For once, Stuart’s mobster money would come in handy, saving lives rather than taking them.

Andrew watched and waited for Neil to want to leave with his uncle. The moment never came. When Stuart boarded his plane, Neil was standing next to Andrew by the big window, showing Connor all the different planes taking off. The longer Stuart had been around, the more Neil had said he wanted to stay away from Stuart’s lifestyle, stay with Andrew — and so he did.

They talked a lot about the fears Neil had faced with regards to introducing Andrew to his mobster uncle. Andrew understood where Neil was coming from. However, Andrew was more than capable of making those choices for himself, and Neil eventually understood that Andrew’s feelings for him couldn’t be disturbed by the shadows of his past, just like his for Andrew.

Back at work, Kevin managed to secure Neil day shifts, giving Neil the possibility of taking Connor to daycare in the morning and be back home early enough to help Andrew with dinner and grocery shopping and all the other chores that would have bothered other people. But how could Neil be bothered by something he thought he’d never have?

A few weeks after Stuart’s visit, Neil found himself on the terrace with Andrew by his side, both enjoying their only cigarette of the day. They had cut down on smoking, for Connor’s sake and their own. They both had something to live for now.

Andrew's skin was further washed out as dusk slipped into twilight, casting shadows over his pale face, and Neil couldn't help but stare.

Growing up amongst violence and gore, beauty had always been a foreign concept for Neil. It was all the more surprising how often he encountered it recently - in the birds on their windowsill in the morning, in Connor’s soft eyes whenever they looked into Neil’s, in Andrew’s lips when they trailed Neil’s body at night.

“Staring.”

“I know,” Neil admitted.

He shuffled even closer to Andrew, pressing along his side, wrapping his arms around his waist and placing a soft kiss to Andrew’s neck. The shivers were still the best part about this. They were still finding themselves, slowly exploring ways to express their love with hands and mouths and gentle touches saying so much more than words. Every day, they got a bit better.

“Can we go to bed?” Neil breathed into Andrew’s neck, but didn’t pull away. Andrew was a tower of strength, radiating a feeling of safety that Neil didn’t want to let go of for just another moment.

Andrew turned in Neil’s arms, aligning their chests and their mouths. It could have been seconds or minutes or hours until they broke apart. It didn’t matter. They had all the time in the world, and Neil couldn’t wait to make the best of every second the universe held.

Chapter Text

Neil laid with his head on Andrew’s chest, his favorite way to relax for the last eleven months. As much as he loved and cherished spending time with his son, Neil also loved going to bed and waking up with Andrew every day, especially when Andrew knew exactly how to turn a good morning into a perfect one. Warm lips and hot breaths and gently roaming hands were enough to brighten Neil’s day, no matter how exhausting life was at times.

It had taken some time for both of them to work around their old issues. It had been harder for Andrew than for Neil to allow his body to feel, to want, to need; but Neil had given Andrew all the time necessary to explore how far he could go, until they both enjoyed getting as close as two people could ever get. Physical affection, attraction, and want had become a normal part of their lives over the last months, and Neil enjoyed every moment Andrew was willing to rejoice in their merging bodies.

His life before Palmetto was nothing more to him now than a distant, somber memory. Neil rarely had time to think of his past anymore. His days were filled with nine-to-five deliveries in his truck, and his nights were filled with family and friends. Weekends were even better, since with everyone home, there was always some exciting adventure waiting for them. 

Life was good, but it would be perfect soon. Beginning in January, Neil would be working with Andrew at the Foxhole Diner. It had been inevitable, if Neil was honest. The long drives and days away from Connor were something that had bothered him for a long time. It was time for a change, and working with Andrew would also leave the both of them with more couple time.

Andrew rubbed his hand through Neil’s still sweat-damp hair. “I can hear you thinking.”

Neil tilted his head up so he could kiss the corner of Andrew’s jaw languidly and lazily, no heat behind it, until he reached Andrew’s lips. They were both too tired for a second round, but kissing Andrew was always something Neil found delight in. “I want to take a shower before Connor wakes up.”

“Go take a shower,” Andrew responded and pinched Neil’s hip, a smile on his lips. 

Neither of them made a move to get up though. Instead Andrew rolled over, giving Neil better access to his mouth. They resumed the tender, slow kisses, moving on to deeper, yet equally slow ones. 

There was no hurry; there would never be one again. Neil was happy with how the day had started and Connor would be waking up soon anyway. It was just nice to have Andrew close. Neil pressed one more kiss onto the corner of Andrew’s mouth and retook his position on his chest. 

“Five more minutes,” Neil said with a yawn. “I’ll go take a shower in five minutes.”

As Andrew wrapped his arm around Neil’s shoulder and started playing with the curls at the base of his neck, the door was slowly pushed open. At first, Neil thought it was the cat, coming back after being kicked out earlier, but then Connor’s tiny head slowly appeared around the corner.

“Dada?” he asked. “Daddy, are you awake?”

Andrew sat up, pulling Neil with him. “Happy Birthday, Connor.”

Connor ran over to the bed and started the process of climbing up. It was slightly too high for him and it always took a few tries. Neil stifled a laugh as he watched his son struggle, but knew Connor needed to do this alone. Once Connor made it up, Andrew pulled him into his lap and he and Neil wrapped the boy in a huge birthday hug.  

Andrew got Connor dressed while Neil showered; then Neil played with Connor in his room while they waited for Andrew to get ready. They had agreed to take Connor downstairs together so they could both see his reaction to the decorations.

Neil held Andrew’s hand leading him down the stairs while Connor hid his face in Andrew’s shoulder like he often did. Andrew was a steady shoulder to lean on, a tower of strength — not only for Neil but also for Connor. Andrew had a hand on Connor’s head so he couldn’t sneak a peek. At the bottom of the stairs, Andrew set Connor down.

The little boy looked around the house in awe. His face lit up, bringing the biggest smile of his life to Neil’s face. He leaned into Andrew’s side as they watched Connor run around the house in glee, inspecting every spaceship and every rocket.

Andrew had pulled off another party miracle. Black balloons with white polka-dots were taped to the ceiling, thanks to Matt and Kevin’s help the night before, and cardboard cutouts of the solar system covered the walls. Neil shouldn’t have been surprised by Andrew’s party planning skills after seeing what he did last year, and for every holiday, but he still was. 

Of course, Neil wanted to help where he could, although he knew he was of little use in Andrew’s well-planned party organization. But Andrew was more than grateful for the sandwiches Neil fed him here and there, and for Neil holding the adhesive tape or the scissors. Oh, not to forget the occasionally snatched kisses Andrew always got away with. 

Two play tents shaped like two different spaceships were in the living room, and they’d spent an hour last night setting up an alien scavenger hunt. Neil had installed a lot of the decorations with Matt and Kevin’s help, while Andrew iced and decorated the cake the night before, yet he still had no idea how it all came together so nicely. 

The dining room was Neil’s favorite part. Andrew went all out with a galaxy tablecloth, plastic plates that looked like the planets, solar system cups, and rocket napkins. On the wall he’d put up a felt banner that said ‘Happy Third Birthday Connor’ and looked like a galaxy. Another banner under it had alternating alien and robot faces, each one different than the rest.

Getting Connor to settle down enough to eat breakfast was a challenge. Neil was instantly glad he’d asked everyone to come at 10 am and plan to stay all day, because he did not think they’d be able to keep Connor from tearing the house apart for too much longer. 

Abby, Bee, and Wymack arrived first, bringing a large box wrapped in shiny paper. Connor was so excited about the box, Neil thought he would try to break into it before the party even started. Andrew distracted Connor by asking him to show the guests around the house, which the little boy didn’t need to hear twice. Of course, he also needed all of the guests to see what his dads had done with the house overnight, so he dragged Jeremy, Jean, and Kevin around as well as Dan and Matt when they arrived with Josh.

The little boys were a delight to watch. Neil sat on the couch, pressed into Andrew’s side with Andrew’s arm around him, and laughed as they flew spaceships around the house. 

“I wish Aaron and Katelyn and the twins were here,” Neil whispered to Andrew.

“Next week, and then they’ll be here for the rest of the month.”

Neil smiled. “I just can’t wait. Connor’s so excited to see them again.”

“He can teach them how to run the house,” Andrew said as he pressed a small kiss to Neil’s hair.

Neil laughed again. Smiling and laughing were his normal state now. He couldn't remember a single day with Andrew that he hadn’t been happy. Even on his worst days, when the nightmares would come back to haunt him and he’d wake up to a memory of Aubrey in a puddle of blood, Andrew was there and would help him through his rough times just as much as Neil was there for Andrew. Having a partner to come home to, a good father for his son, and someone to share his nightmares with was better than anything Neil had ever expected. 

Matt cornered Neil in the kitchen as he was making the little boys a quick lunch so they could take a nap. 

“Can you believe,” Matt asked with a dopey grin on his face. “Can you believe that this time last year, you and Andrew were just friends?”

“God, that seems like a lifetime ago,” Neil said. He couldn’t help the smile that overtook his face every time he talked about Andrew.

In the last year, so many things had changed, not only with Andrew but also with himself. Neil had a strong group of friends that he could hang out with, even when Andrew couldn’t join because socializing was too overwhelming. Neil had started working through his own trauma with a specialized therapist that Bee had recommended. They had a group of parents they hung out with at the park while all the kids ran around the playground. Neil had even branched out and made some parent friends on his own at the library; they had playdates on his days off. Life wasn’t flawless. He still had ups and downs, stresses to deal with, but it was more than he could have ever known to ask for.

~

While the little boys slept, Andrew took over the kitchen, preparing all the food for the great meal ahead. Bee came in to help him after a little while. Neil wasn’t to be trusted with cooking something this important yet, although Andrew had to admit Neil was making progress. 

Bee prepared everything Andrew needed for his pasta and then cut the tomatoes and lettuce for the tacos. In hindsight, letting a three-year-old pick the menu for his own birthday party was not the best idea. Abby helped too, making a salad and cutting fresh fruits. They were the only three allowed in the kitchen the whole time because Andrew wanted everything to be a surprise.

They chatted about nothing in particular as they worked, from how they were all doing in their careers, to the upcoming holidays and if they had any suggestions on contractors; Bee’s roof had a small leak and she needed to have a wall redone. It was oddly domestic, roaming around the kitchen with two older women, learning their secrets on cooking and home renovations. Andrew didn’t mind the situation. Over the last year, he’d gotten used to the fact that his life could be good — without a catch.

Andrew had a loving partner, a magnificent son, his own business, a nice car, a big house with a big yard, and a huge family. It was more than a Minyard could ask for, and still, he and Aaron had both accomplished so much.

Wymack and Abby were their parents because they had chosen to take in a couple of teens that no one else wanted. Kevin was their brother because he had to be with Wymack and Abby, but they were close by choice. Dan and Matt, Jeremy and Jean, Robin and Andrew’s staff were Andrew’s family because they wanted to be. It took a while for all of them to get on board, but once they made that decision, it was impossible to talk them out of it. 

Nicky was his family by blood, but he also put effort into being more than that, into being a solid rock for Andrew and Aaron, as did Erik. Aaron was Andrew’s brother, his twin, and when he had moved away for school, Andrew had thought he might not come back, even with the money Andrew gave him. But he did come back, regularly, and they talked on the phone weekly now. Andrew had a little niece and a little nephew thanks to Aaron, and skyping with them did something to his heart only Connor and Neil could do.

On some days, rarely now but regularly as of a few months ago, Andrew couldn’t understand how he went from a little boy with no one, to a young business owner with parents, siblings, cousins, a son, and Neil. 

The timer going off brought Andrew back to the present. He drained the pasta and added it into the sauce, while Bee carried a tray out of the kitchen to the garage to put in the outside fridge. Abby worked around him, putting the salad in the fridge. The only thing left was browning some ground beef, and Andrew let Abby take care of that as he headed upstairs to check on the kids. 

Neil met him at the bottom of the stairs as he walked down, with Connor in one arm and Josh in the other. They both snuggled up against his chest, laying their heads on his shoulders. The feeling made Andrew think about having another child for a moment, which surprised him. That wasn’t what he wanted, Connor was more than enough, but he had to admit it felt nice. After a second, he reasoned he was just missing Aaron’s twins.

In the living room, when both boys were back on their highest energy level, Andrew and Neil proceeded to get everything ready for cake.

“Presents?” Connor asked as he sat up straight in Andrew’s arms.

“Cake first?” Andrew asked. He liked doing the cake first because it gave everyone a chance to focus on Connor and sing to him before the hectic process of opening presents started.       

Connor smiled and nodded excitedly while Andrew stood up and led them all into the kitchen. He took off Connor’s shirt as Neil grabbed the cake from the fridge. It was tall and white, with iced shooting stars piped all along the outside edges and a bright blue astronaut on top. 

As everyone sang Happy Birthday, Connor laughed and mumbled along. He tried to shove his hand in the icing, but Andrew caught him just in time. Andrew cut a piece for everyone, making Wymack and Bee’s extra small because they both had had heart problems in the past. 

It wasn’t like Andrew was more open about his feelings towards other people now that he was with Neil, but deep inside he knew how important Bee, Wymack and Abby were to him. Losing them would hurt, more than he could fathom, and he didn’t want to think about it for at least another two decades. Wymack rolled his eyes and stole extra bites from his wife, while Bee just smiled and thanked him for caring about her health.  

Watching Connor and Josh tear apart their pieces of cake was hilarious. Connor could use a fork just fine now, he didn’t need to use his hands, but when faced with a pile of sugary icing and sponge, he shoved his hands in like it was the only option. Josh somehow ended up with icing in his eyebrows, while Connor got some in his hair.  

Andrew grabbed a washcloth and gently scrubbed them both down, making silly noises the entire time to get them to stop fighting him. The tactic worked wonders on the children and they were clean in record time. The adults were another story, however. While everyone was looking at him like he’d grown an extra head, Wymack and Kevin had matching ‘is he okay?’ expressions. The father-son duo made Andrew wonder if Neil and Connor would do that in a few years, or even if he and Connor would.

It was still weird for him to imagine that Neil and Connor were in his life for good now. Even if he and Neil had a falling-out at some point and split up, Andrew knew that Neil would never take Connor away from him again. Andrew was allowed to not only think about Connor growing up, but plan for it. 

In the living room, with the kids dressed again, Neil and Connor sat on the floor in front of a pile of boxes. Neil looked up at Andrew and did his subtle ‘only for Andrew’ smile, while patting the ground next to him. That smile was beautiful and infuriating all at once and Andrew couldn’t help but reciprocate it. He knew everyone else had noticed it over the last year, and he was glad no one mentioned it because then he’d have to do something to regain his reputation.  

Opening presents was a lot faster than last year. Connor knew exactly what to do, wasting no time on pretense. He tenderly caressed every item he received before handing it back to one of his fathers. 

On bad days, Andrew couldn’t believe he was allowed to be Connor’s dad, because he didn’t deserve such an incredible tiny human being. But on good days, like this one, Andrew was in awe. This little boy loved him more than he loved anything else in the world—aside from Neil—and Andrew would do everything in his power to keep him safe and earn that love.

In the dining room, they all crammed around the table and served the food. Bee had taken care of reheating the necessary items while Andrew had been busy opening presents. Connor’s booster seat was situated in between Neil and Andrew so they could both help him eat, just like they always did.

“Bobot voice, Daddy,” Connor said.

“It’s Robot, Con,” Andrew corrected.

Connor scrunched up his nose, insisting “Bobot.”

“Robot,” Andrew repeated.

The two stared each other down, ignoring the rest of the table until Matt and Jeremy burst out laughing at the same time.  

“Damn, Andrew, he sure has your glare down,” Jeremy said lightheartedly.

“That stubbornness is all Neil,” Andrew deadpanned but allowed the warmth in his chest to spread.

Jeremy laughed again, filling the room as the little boys both joined in. “No man, that’s you.”

Andrew turned his glare on Jeremy, and next to him, Connor did, too. If Andrew was annoyed with someone, Connor was always on his side. 

Jean looked between them for a moment, then raised an eyebrow. “Hmm, mon chou, I think you may be right.”

The whole table laughed while Jeremy accepted a kiss on the cheek from both Jean and Kevin. Andrew would find a way to get them back for that, eventually. Probably next time one of them asked him for help on a project. 

After dinner, everyone helped clean up and then left fairly quickly. The children were getting tired and grumpy, as were the adults who weren’t used to dealing with toddlers all day. They said their goodbyes and Neil accepted some hugs while Andrew accepted a couple of nods. Connor, however, said thank you and hugged every single person. He was growing into a kind and polite child and Andrew was proud that he would be a better person than he or Neil could ever be. There was no pain, no torture, no abuse in Connor’s life and there never would be. Andrew would make sure of that.

With everyone gone and all three of them yawning, Connor, Andrew and Neil settled down on the couch to watch a movie. Andrew leaned on the arm while Neil settled between his legs with his back to Andrew’s chest, and Connor snuggled up on Neil’s lap. Eventually, the cat joined, too, laying between Neil’s legs. 

By this time next year, Andrew will have been in Connor’s life for longer than he hadn’t been. He was glad to know that Connor would never remember a time in his life when Andrew hadn’t been there. Their little family was small and rough, and they had bad days, occasionally, but the good ones outnumbered them, and that was all they needed.

With Connor slowly drifting off, Neil’s even breathing and Andrew’s hand buried in his boys’ copper curls, the world was good, and for the first time in his life, Andrew was sure the future would be a bright one with Neil and Connor in it. And the ghosts of their pasts? They would remain just that — a thing of the past.

Chapter Text

Hello peeps!

I know, posting another chapter to a completed work seems stupid BUT we have so many subscribers to 18 Wheels and we want everyone to be able to participate in the continuation of this lovely AU.

Tomorrow, we will post our first one-shot, taking place right in between Chap 19 and the epilogue. Someone asked how and when Connor started calling Andrew “Daddy”. Well... tomorrow we’ll know.

For all further updates, please subscribe to the series Long Haul For Love to never miss an update again.

We can’t wait to resume that great journey with y’all.

Love, M and J