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Sometimes he can see her face right before he loses her.
From the time that Adrien closes his eyes at night to the time that he opens them in the morning he watches Ladybug disappear. A normal nightmare would consist of watching her turn her back on him before being shot. Sometimes, however, he looks deep into her eyes and watches her being ripped away.
“I wasn’t the right choice for you, after all.” He had told her. “I just can’t protect you... I never manage to save you.”
Sometimes when Adrien’s mind wanders he thinks of that day. He thinks of repeating those few minutes over and over again and he remembers every tiny little detail.
She was happy to give him the Miraculous. The way her eyes lit up when she mentioned Adrien’s name, the way she was determined to give this specific magical being to this specific boy, it sometimes made him blush that she thought so highly of him at one point.
But the way he held her, God, the way he held her. He will never forget wrapping his arm around her shoulders and pulling her close. The way he was immediately engulfed in everything, from her scent to the way she was leaning into him, made him want to lean over and plant one on her right then and there. Maybe if circumstances were different he would’ve. Maybe if he had gotten one more chance to go back...
He tries to wipe the memory of those 25,913 moments that he went back in time from his mind. For weeks on end he went over every possible way that he could’ve saved her if time would just be on his damn side. So when these thoughts creep into his mind on days like today, cloudy days where the sun seems almost nonexistent, he tries to ignore them.
“Looks like the east side of the tower is clear.” Ladybug smiles as she lands next to Chat Noir on the Cheng's roof. “Though I did have to tell Mr. Ramier that he had to leave and stop feeding the birds so... we might have to keep an eye out.”
Chat Noir, Adrien, nods before giving a simple “’kay.” His eyes focus on the ribbons in her hair as he lets out a sigh. In one of his most memorable memories of that day she had taken her ribbons out of her hair. It was the first time he had seen her with her hair down... but it was also the first time he watched her smile at him before he lost her. Other times she would have a determined look on her face yet that specific time she smiled. He had always wondered why.
“So,” he smirks, breaking his thoughts. “Tell me about that Adrien kid. Heard he bombed pretty bad when you and Luka were up against Desperada.”
The words hurt coming out of his mouth but only because they were the words that he had kept in his mind all of this time. Saying them out loud almost made them real.
Ladybug sighs, a heavy sigh that Chat Noir can’t quite figure out, before turning to face him. When her pearly blues connect with his, he lets out a purr. He can’t help himself when he’s around her. Just one look can make him swoon. Thankfully she’s far enough away that she can’t hear or feel it.
“He didn’t.” She insisted. Her brows furrowed as she went on. “I just... it was my fault, not Adrien’s. I made the mistake.”
Chat Noir scoots closer. “Whatdya mean?”
“I mean!” Ladybug raises her voice as her hands flail in the air. She’s getting angry, he can tell. He gives her a sheepish smile, hoping to calm her. After taking a few moments to collect herself, she continues. “Well, for one, we didn’t have you when we really needed you but... the whole Adrien thing, that was on me. I shouldn’t of given him that Miraculous. I-I thought with my heart, not my head.”
Chat Noir studies Ladybug’s face. Her eyebrows are furrowed, lips in a pout. Her eyes look everywhere but back at him and he wonders if she’s thinking of that day. He knows that none of this was her fault and he wishes that they didn’t have to keep their identities from each other. If they didn’t, maybe he would’ve told her that the blame was entirely on himself.
“25,913.” She says, voice cracking. “I put that boy through hell.”
Every fiber in his being was screaming at him not to touch her. Not to wrap his arms around her once more and pull her close. Not to whisper in her ear the truth, not to hold his breath as he waited for her reply. Do not move.
And he didn’t.
Chat Noir stands perfectly still as he watches the girl that he loves break down. Now was not the time to tell her, he thought to himself. There’s a perfect time for everything.
“You know, the pressure of being us, being holders of the Miraculous, it can be too much sometimes.” He tells her. “Adrien, maybe giving him the power of that specific Miraculous was too much for him. You can’t blame yourself, M’lady.”
Ladybug shakes her head, dismissing him. “You don’t understand, Chat, he has taken over me.” She finally admits. “I know him in real life and I know I’m not supposed to tell you that but I know him. He would make the perfect Miraculous holder. And you’re right, maybe that specific Miraculous was too much for him, but I’m the one that gave it to him. I should’ve been the one to know if he was ready for it. He tried to save me twenty-five thousand times and each time he failed. He spent months trying to save me. Me, of all people.”
“Because you’re someone worth fighting for.” He spoke calmly. He tries ignoring the confession of knowing him in real life for now as he leans closer. Despite his thoughts before, he now wraps an arm around her shoulder, pulls her close, and plants a gentle kiss on her cheek. “Don’t ever talk about yourself like that again, Ladybug.” He whispers in her ear. “You’re worth it. Adrien messed up and he’s sorry but you can’t let the weight of his failure fall on your shoulders.”
To his shock, Ladybug doesn’t pull away. In fact, she leans closer into him as she brings up her hand to wipe away a tear from her puffy cheeks. “It’s a learning experience.” She nods. “Next time I’ll have the perfect Miraculous for him to take. It’ll be perfectly suited for him and his skills.”
Chat Noir pecks the top of her head before taking a deep breath, taking in her scent. “Okay,” he agrees. “But if you replace me with Adrien Agreste I will never let you live it down.”
As the two break out into laughter, Adrien can’t help but smile. Being with her like this, as Chat Noir, it was enough. Even if she would never accept his advances, even if she would only see him as a friend, it was enough.
She was enough.