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Guzman watches Nadia as she walks onto campus, head held high. She doesn’t even bother to look his way as she walks by. Even with Lu standing between his legs his eyes can’t bother to be torn off of her. She looks better than he even remembered.
He tried all summer to try to make sense of everything he was feeling. Spent every day dodging her texts and calls. Eventually, she gave up. But for some reason no longer seeing her name pop up on his phone hurt him more than when he received texts that he couldn’t respond to.
“Hello, Guzman?” Lu waves her hand in front of his face but he can’t even bother to pretend to care about whatever the hell she’s talking about. It’s always something stupid with her. “Guzman. Are you even listening to me?”
Guzman quickly stands up nearly knocking Lu over as he swats her away. “I’ll see you later, Lu.” He can hear Lu mumbling insults at him but his mind can’t seem to focus on anything but the Nadia right now. Because even if he tried to stay away from her all summer he still found himself standing on the corner from her shop watching her as she worked in their store.
As he turns the corner there she is standing at her locker tucking away her things not even acknowledging the existence of anyone around her. She seems to be caught up in her thoughts as she stares aimlessly into her locker for a moment. It tugs at his heartstrings and he can’t seem to stop himself anymore.
Before he knows it he’s leaning against her locker, his eyes running up and down her face as if to commit it all to memory. She shifts as she feels his presence but refuses to peer over her shoulder at him. Instead, she continues maneuvering with purpose only occasionally peering over her shoulder to look at him.
Taking a deep breath he finds the courage to talk to her. If he waiting any longer he’d be delaying the inevitable. They’d need to have this conversation sooner or later. “I thought we were okay? I thought you were my friend?”
Not once looking up from the book in her hand she responds. “So did I.” Slamming the book shut she places it back into her locker, still managing to avoid eye contact. “But you got a girlfriend and stopped answering my messages.”
“Got a girlfriend?” He can’t help but laugh. Even the thought of calling Lu his girlfriend was comedic. And to think Nadia thought that was why he’d be dodging her all summer was even funnier. He places his hand on the back of her neck carefully pulling her towards him until she’s facing him. Their eyes finally meet and his stomach begins to churn. “If there’s anyone I want to be my girlfriend just know that it’s not Lu.”
Nadia takes a breath, their proximity is overwhelming. And she feels too angry with him to even respond. After ignoring her all summer and doing God knows what with Lu he has the audacity to look her in the eye like that. To touch her like that. But it gets her heart racing faster than she can even understand. Swallowing the lump in her throat as she regains her composure. “Then why were you avoiding me?”
For a moment his eyes run down her face until they land on her beautiful lips and his heart drops from his chest to his stomach. All he wants to do is kiss her. But he doesn’t deserve it, he doesn’t deserve her. Taking a short step back he tries to create enough distance so that he can think clearly. “I had to. I promised your father that I would stay away from you if it meant that you could come back to school.”
Nadia’s eyebrows draw in together for a moment before she turns back towards her locker. She tears off her hijab folding it and tucking it away into her locker before slamming it shut. When she turns back towards him there’s anger in her eyes, an anger he hasn’t seen before. And he can’t help but feel guilty for making her feel that way.
“No. No.” She points her index finger into his chest for a moment getting close enough that he can feel the heat from her body. “You don’t get to take credit for me coming back because whatever promise you made to him meant nothing. You don’t even know how hard it was to convince him to let me come back here.”
There are tears in her eyes as she stares up at him, her bottom lip quivering. And all he wants to do is hug her. But he can’t. Instead, he stands in silence listening to the sound of her heavy breathing.
Just as he opens his mouth to respond she cuts him off. “I’m not a princess who needs to be rescued, and you’re certainly not a prince. I don’t need you.” Immediately she pushes past him making her way around the corner and out of sight.
He’s left there speechless staring at the ghost of her. It felt like no matter how hard he tried he’d never be able to stay away from her, something just drew him to her no matter what. And all he wanted to do was fix what he’d managed to fuck up so badly. But he had no idea how.
And then the idea came to him. Without a second thought, Guzman begins running down the halls dodging the foot traffic along the way. But just suddenly he finds himself at a halt when he sees something that catches his eye. For a moment he feels like he can’t breathe. Taking a step forward his fingers linger at the edge of one of the pictures hanging from her locker. Tears begin to well up in his eyes as he rips it off tossing it on the floor in anger.
He continues to tear everything off the locker until it’s bare. The sight of anything related to her was still triggering and it isn’t until he’s surrounded by his friends that he begins to catch his breath.
“Guzman. Breathe.” Ander squeezes his shoulders from behind. This summer had been so traumatic and he still wasn’t anywhere near okay but everyone knew that. “Come on.”
Ander guides him towards the end of the hall for a moment. But Guzman is too heated to listen instead he pushes past him towards the principal’s office as he intended. He ignores the receptionist trying to stop him from going in without warning as he walks inside her office unannounced.
“Guzman.”
“I need to talk to you.” Guzman takes a seat before she can respond leaning forward to fold his hands on her desk. She simply responds with a nod as she knows she has no real option to oblige. “We need to discuss the fact that Nadia Shanaa has to take off her hijab when she gets to school every day.”
“It’s in the rules, Guzman. There’s nothing we can do about it.”
“It’s Islamaphobic that’s what it is.” Guzman leans forward a more threatening look in his eyes. “She is a student here like everyone else. If I’m allowed to wear this then she should be allowed to wear her hijab.” Guzman pulls a gold chain out from beneath his shirt with a gold plated cross attached to it.
The Principal uncomfortably shifts in her seat for a moment. “Some of the other students have complained about it, Guzman. And I can’t back out of a decision that was made last year.”
“Well, if they have a problem they’ll have to deal with me. I’ll personally see to it that there are no issues.” Guzman quickly stands up flashing a fake smile in her direction. “Then it’s settled. From today on Nadia is allowed to wear a hijab. Thank you. Have a nice day.”
Not giving her the chance to argue he rushes out the door. Before getting too far he sticks his head back inside just for a moment. “Oh, and if you could please keep this little conversation between the two of us. That’d be great.” Shutting the door he rushes off to his friends.
The day would be far from easy but at least he would feel a little better knowing that Nadia was having a good day. If there was any way to make her feel better about everything it was like this. To give her the freedom to be her, to practice her faith in peace even if none of us really understood it.
Because it was the one thing that could bring her peace. No matter how hard he tried he knew he would never be capable of doing that for her. He was too fucked up and stupid for that.
Sure enough, when he entered homeroom the first thing he noticed was her bright red hijab. The way it framed her delicate face so perfectly. Her eyes landed on his and it looked like there was a change in her. The anger she once carried was replaced with something else. It helped soothe his aching heart.
By the end of class Guzman tries to maintain his composure but with Samuel’s presence, he can’t seem to contain himself. Seeing him just reminds him of what he’s lost. What Samuel’s brother did to his only sister. As the class is dismissed, Guzman is left alone lost in his thoughts. Even Lu has given up on him and gone to lunch.
But the feeling of a hand on his shoulder brings him back to reality. Her hand. Slowly his eyes run up her figure until they land on her eyes. A sympathetic look in her eyes. Like there are no judgments to be made. Just someone who cares about him and wants to know if he’s okay.
“I know it was you, Guzman.” A smile creeps onto her face as she stares down at him. Her hand softly runs along the edge of her hijab. “I didn’t need you to do this. But thank you.”
“I know you don’t need me. You’re strong enough on your own and you always have been.” Guzman cautiously places his hand on her cheek caressing her face with the pad of his thumb. “It’s one of the things I lo-”
He catches himself before he finishes the sentence. He clears his throat taking a step away to put some distance between them. But even with that, he knows he’s already said too much. The way her eyes go wide as she stares at him he just knows. He shakes his head letting out an anxious laugh. “I...I hope you have a good day, Nadia.”
“Guzman.” The way his name rolls off her lips takes his breath away. She tilts her head to the side, a sad look in her eyes. It’s clear she wants to say more but she stops herself. “Just know that I’m here for you too. Whenever you’re ready to have a real conversation.”