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It seemed like it had been decades since that day, yet it was only a few years ago. Even now, it seemed just as cold and lifeless as it had been when they’d stormed The Vault’s gates on a mission to subdue the Archbishop and rescue Ser Aymeric.
As she watched slowly down the aliases of the chapel of the lower floors, Katsum remembered the drive she had in her heart that day, the determination to see to it that was saved and that Thordan was stopped. It was the first time she’d felt like she had something to fight for again, something on the line to drive her forward towards. In the end, the day ended with tragedy and sadness, and she often wondered if Raihogg would have stepped in had Haurchefant not…
“Lady Katsum?” Her fur stood on end as she was startled from her thoughts as she heard her name called and turned to find her beloved Lord Commander standing behind her with a few councilmen behind him, noble and common folk alike. He moved up to her, a soft smile gracing his lips though she noticed his eyes were searching hers, “Are you alright, my lady?”
She forced a smile as her fur returned to normal and turned to face him, “Yes, I’m alright. Just taking a walk to think, that’s all. You just startled me.”
“I can see that, yes,” She knew Aymeric was not convinced, she could see it in his eyes. He thought for a moment before turning to the men behind him, “Gentlemen, would you please excuse me? I shall be with you all in a moment.” They nodded, and stepped past them and continued on their way, respectfully dipping their heads as they passed her. A sign of respect many Ishgardians began to give her after the end of the Dragonsong War.
Katsum frowned, “Aymeric, I-”
He shook his head, offering her his arm, “Come, my love. I know of a better place to talk.” She sighed softly and nodded, taking his arm and letting him lead her further into the Vault.
They were quiet as they walked, though it was a comfortable silence, one that Katsum proffered over the swirling thoughts of her troubled mind. She hugged his arm and laid her head against it and he rested his other hand on top of hers in response as he continued leading her through the winding halls. Finally, they arrived in the prayer gardens of the middle levels. It was the first time Katsum had seen this side of them rather than through the windows as she charged passed on her way to confront Ser Grinnaux. Aymeric leads them to a marble bench next to a small fountain placed in a corner of the gardens away from the doorways and windows and sat them down together. Katsum sat has close as his regalia would allow her too, reaching to take his hand and lace their friends together. Aymeric smiled at this, rubbing her hand with his thumb as he leaned down to place a kiss on her forehead.
“You look lovely,” He complimented having taken note that she was dressed in an Ishgardian gown today rather than clad in armor like she normally was, “As beautiful as you look in armor, even an angel will set down her sword to take a day to rest and dress as such.”
She smiled softly, “Thank you, love. I quite like it myself. Though it feels odd not being in armor when walking in this place here.” Her expression faltered and so did his, “But the war is over now, or for now at least, and that calls for some rest…”
She watched his thumb continue to caress her hand as he sighed and leaned closer to her, “And I know you far to well to know that you hardly ever let yourself rest.” She didn’t have to answer to that for him to know he was right, “So, with that said, tell me what plagues the mind of my beloved wife so much that she mindlessly steps into the Vault.”
Katsum was quiet for a moment as she thought of the best way to word it. Her eyes were trained on the fountain in front of them, the movement of water dripping down onto some of the red leaves of the plants on the ground catching her eye the most.
“Have I become the hero he thought I was back then?” His caress stopped, yet she continued, “I know I wasn’t back then. I was a warrior with no cause, a knight with no purpose, but am I the hero he said I was now? Have I come to live up to that now? Have I…made up for it all? All the mistakes I made that day…”
“Kat, we’ve been over this before. You mustn’t blame yourself for this.”
“How can I not? He was protecting me and I did nothing to stop what I knew was coming. I was frozen to the spot-”
“As was I, Katsum. As were the others standing with us,” He moved to kneel in front of her, taking her face in his hands so that she had to face him, allowing him to see the fresh tears she was trying to hide from him as her ears fell back sadly, “It was not your fault, Kat. Haurchefant’s passing was not your fault. If anything, it was mine, so if you must blame someone-”
“I will not blame you,” She held his hand against her face, the tears falling more steadily, “You risked your own life that day too and you could have been killed by your own father. No, I will not blame you!”
Aymeric smiled sadly, “Then you cannot blame yourself either, my love, for you risked your own life that day for a nation of people that could not have been more undeserving of you.”
Katsum shook her head and looked down again, gripping his hand. She felt his thumb trace her cheekbone softly.
“I cannot say I know how difficult it is trying not to blame yourself after you have been through so much. You have been through so much pain and had suffered it all alone with no one to blame but yourself.” He held her close, “I do however know this: You are now and have always been the hero he thought you were. The hero we all did not know we needed. And you have nothing to blame yourself for. Nothing.”
Katsum began to sob and she felt him lean forward to rest his forehead against hers, whispering softly to her as she cried. So many years she had spent blaming herself for what happened, for Criston’s betrayal, for the fire that burned the castle, for the invaders that destroyed everything else. Perhaps somewhere deep inside her, she knew it wasn’t her fault, but it just seemed easier to blame herself and to weigh down her own shoulders with that burden she needed to repay though it was in that sense a debt that could never be repaid. The same was said of how she blamed herself for Haurchefant’s death even though somewhere inside of her she knew it wasn’t her fault.
In the midst of her thinking, she felt Aymeric’s lips meet her own as he drew her into a passionate kiss. She felt tears of his own rolling down his face as she kissed him back, and gave in to him, letting her mind go blank and making her soul be at ease.
Perhaps one day she would find it within herself to know that she was not to blame for these things and would forgive herself for any mistakes she did make in the past. Until that day, she would seek refuge in the arms of her shield and find comfort in his loving words.