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Under the dimmed lights of the cozy restaurant, Wooseok shines just as brightly as he did before their break-up and it shouldn’t leave a bitter after taste on Seungyoun’s tongue that has nothing to do with the soju on his hand.
It has nothing to do with Wooseok and everything to do with himself.
He thinks that he should’ve expected this, should’ve expected to see Wooseok tonight, and the sight of him –stunning, glowing, breathtaking– surrounded by the people he loves, eyes twinkling and alive, such a contrast to the last time Seungyoun saw him –his hair was red back then, eyes turning into steel, mouth dripping venom– it makes him a little dizzy and no matter how hard he tries not to he keeps comparing this Wooseok to his Wooseok from two years ago, when all they had was an ocean freezing in between them, the cracks running down the ice too deep for either of them to mend it.
And as much as he wants to be mad at Jinhyuk for not letting him know, he also can understand why he didn’t didn’t utter a word about Wooseok’s arrival; he knows that he wouldn’t have come otherwise if he knew, would’ve come up with an excuse not to show up –that’s a lie, he can’t say no to chicken and beer and he can’t just not show up to Jinhyuk’s birthday, no matter how much of a coward he is– and having to sit across from his ex-boyfriend seems like too much of a punishment, it’s like the universe’s way of reminding him how much he fucked up, how much he’s missing on.
And Wooseok, god, there’s a certain confidence in every move he makes, every word that falls from his lips, it’s like his sole existence is enough to gather the stares of everyone on the table like a beacon, he looks so good, so healthy –happy, his treacherous brain presses, something he never was when he was with you– that it almost feels like he’s rubbing salt into Seungyoun’s wounds, he’s moved on and what has Seungyoun done?
He gulps down the rest of his soju, throat burning as he looks away.
Seungwoo catches his eyes from his place next to Byungchan, there’s a glint of something in his eyes and Seungyoun is aware the older knows exactly what’s going on inside his mind, but before he has the chance to glare back, there’s a voice breaking him out of his reverie, soft, deep, and it’s been so long since Wooseok has addressed him beyond small talk and pleasantries, a spared glance when he sat across from him.
“You grew out your hair” There’s a soft look on Wooseok’s face, something Seungyoun hasn’t seen in a while, not directed at him at least, his hands unconsciously come to touch the strands he let grow not long ago.
The words get caught on his throat, breath stuttering in his chest like an old machine “I…yeah, I wanted a change” He whispers, so uncharacteristic of him considering how loud he can be.
“It’s a good look on you” And Seungyoun knows exactly what this is, it’s Wooseok making small talk, trying to break the inevitable awkwardness that’s almost palpable and Seungyoun is sure everyone on the table is aware of the elephant in the room, he can feel his stomach twisting and face reddening at the compliment.
“You…You look good too” The reply is muffled against the rim of his soju bottle and he realizes too late that it’s actually empty, guess that explains the pleasant buzz spreading through his body, or maybe it’s just the way Wooseok smiles at him, the way his eyes shine under the fairy lights, no trace of the anger that took permanent residence two years ago.
Seungyoun can sense the whole table hold their breath and he hates the way their stares are fixated on the both of them, hates how they’re all hyperaware of every word coming out of their mouths, hates how much he wants to lean in close to Wooseok how he wishes it was only the two of them.
I missed you.
He mutters a half-assed excuse of being too tipsy and needing a breather –he’s not a lightweight by any means and he knows everyone is aware of it– but the next second he’s standing up and making his way out of the back of the restaurant, chest tight and hands trembling as he leans against a wall, head spinning.
The sight of Wooseok, soft around his edges and glowing, is enough for the memories to trickle into his brain, there’s a certain helplessness that settles deep in between his ribcage and his heart like a vice grip, he feels a little nauseated as he recalls the first year of their relationship and how it was everything he’d ever wanted, how easily and seamlessly Wooseok fit against him, how the both of them could be stitched into a patchwork, how the pieces of each other can be so different yet Seungyoun has never fit so perfectly with someone the way he does with Wooseok, his heartbeat has never been able to match the tempo of anyone else.
But every stitch can be ripped apart just as easily as it was stitched, and the threads of his and Wooseok’s relationship were barely able to bear the weight of the silence, of the hurt, and as much as he’d like to put the blame on the both of them he knows he carries the biggest guilt of the both of them.
He remembers shoulders dropping with defeat, he remembers how the dullness in their eyes matched the pain in their hearts, he knew the moment Wooseok walked out the door that he would never come back to him.
But seeing him tonight makes him feel wired, electric, he can feel his pulse thrum through his veins and he has never felt more sure that he could never fall out of love with Wooseok, and he knows that will be his downfall.
His shaky hands find their way inside his jacket pocket, freezing fingers wrapping around the cigarette pack he swore he would only use for emergencies.
Well…This could easily count as an emergency.
The familiar burn on his throat does nothing to quell the turmoil inside his brain and heart, he feels angry, not at Wooseok but at himself, he’s angry that no matter how much time passes his heart will still sing for the younger boy.
“I thought you quit” Seungyoun doesn’t have to look up to know who it is; he’d know that voice even at the depths of the ocean.
He doesn’t dare looking up, not when all he will probably find is disappointment.
“I did…Kind of,” Seungyoun whispers, gaze focused on the burning tip of the cigarette as it consumes itself, “I rarely do it these days”
Wooseok hums, settling next to him, shoulders touching even when there’s enough space on the wall for them not to, it sets Seungyoun’s heart into a frenzy, loud enough he wonders if the other boy can hear it but if he does he shows no sign of it, “I don’t have the right to ask you to put it out, do I?”
Seungyoun doesn’t say a word as he stabs the cigarette against the concrete wall, he didn’t like the feeling anyways he hasn’t liked it in a long time, maybe ever.
The silence stretches as Seungyoun focuses on the sounds of passing cars, but the night is calm and peaceful otherwise, he can’t help but close his eyes and enjoy the warmth of Wooseok’s shoulder –he feels an awful lot like the remnants of the cigarette on the floor.
“How was your internship?” He doesn’t realize he has spoken until the words are out of his mouth and he immediately wants to take them back.
Wooseok shifts next to him, “It went well, Japan is really something else,” He pauses and Seungyoun feels his throat close “But it was too lonely…It wasn’t home”
The statement settles heavily in the air and Seungyoun can’t help but ask, “Home?”
For the first time since Wooseok arrived at the restaurant, he dares to look at the boy next to him and notices the slight changes in him, his face has become sharper from losing the baby fat and he seems more relaxed than Seungyoun has ever seen him, he notices the way the neon lights get caught on his cheekbones tinting his skin with warm red and orange, Seungyoun has to clench his fists not to reach out and touch, “I missed Seoul, missed everyone.”
The “I missed you” goes unsaid, but it burns anyways.
Wooseok turns his head towards Seungyoun, eyes bright, he still can’t fathom the idea of Wooseok looking at him like this, like it is okay, like he wasn’t selfish and tried to hold him back, keep them together, keep Wooseok in the safety of their old home, like the rift he caused between them can be fixed, like he wants to fix it.
Seungyoun gulps down the feeling of self-hatred clawing its way out his mouth, tries to hide just how much he blames himself but Wooseok has always known him better than anyone as his eyes soften, a small smile playing at the corners of his lips, asking to be kissed, god he wants to kiss Wooseok so bad.
“You’re too hard on yourself,” The words are spoken into the quiet of the night, like they can be carried away by the wind at any moment, “We were too different, Seungyoun,” His name sounds sweet dripping from Wooseok’s tongue, like honey, it makes me want to drown in it, “We wanted different things, we took too much from each other and never gave back anything,” And he knows this, he knows their break up was inevitable but it still stings to hear it, “We were so young and naïve…We never talked about what we felt, what we could do to fix it, I wanted that internship so bad but you wanted me to stay with you”
Wooseok’s eyes brand into him, “I couldn’t do that.”
He can feel his nails leaving imprints he’ll be able to see for days, he wonders which one will bruise more, his skin or his heart, “I know…I know that now,” He takes a deep breath, gazing at the sky above them, there aren’t any stars visible and somehow that makes his bones settle into their places, “I was scared you would forget about me…I was insecure and stupid,” He chuckles, “I never deserved you, anyways.”
Wooseok scoffs, turning around to face him and the softness of his face has hardened but it’s still different from the way he used to look at Seungyoun at the brink of their break up, it’s determination instead of anger melting into his face, “That’s for me to decide, don’t you think?”
They don’t speak for a few moments, staring into each other’s eyes, Seungyoun draws a shaky breath “Yeah, yeah you’re right”
Wooseok steps closer to him, the tips of their shoes almost touching, “I think we’ve both grown and learned” There’s a certainty in his words, like no matter what they do, no matter how much time has passed, this is exactly where they’re supposed to be, “Take me home, Seungyoun.”
Time passes like the blur of cars in motion and then he’s pressing Wooseok against the door of his –their? – apartment, fingers pressing so deep into skin he’s sure he’ll carry the bruises for the next few days and the thought makes him shake, mouths feverish against each other as they fall into the same old rhythm they were so familiar with, Seungyoun feels like he’s burning inside out as Wooseok hands snake their way inside his shirt, his small mouth persistently making sure to leave its shape branded into Seungyoun’s lips, the slide of their tongues feeling too much like molten lava.
They break apart for a second, breathing each other in as their noses brush, Seungyoun can feel the way his heart stutters inside his ribcage when Wooseok smiles up at him, it’s a sight he never thought he’d get to have, but they’re here and this feels so ultimately different than the last time they were pressed this close to each other, he can’t help but let the words out “Stay the night?”
Wooseok grins, hands finding their way towards the long strands of Seungyoun’s hair, fingers tangling into them, “I can stay longer than that, if you’ll have me”
He doesn’t hesitate as he pulls Wooseok closer to him.
“You can stay as long as you want, for as long as you’ll want me”
Wooseok presses another kiss to his lips, tender, warm, “I’ve always wanted you, the timing just wasn’t right for us”
“And now?”
They’re touching everywhere and Seungyoun knows the answer, but he needs to hear Wooseok say it, needs it for his heart to settle, for his mind to rest, and Wooseok delivers just that as he lets their noses brush, “I think there isn’t a better time than now”
And as he closes the distance between them again, Seungyoun can’t help but think that no matter the time, his whole being will only long for Wooseok, his heart will only beat for him, his hands will only itch for him, he’s certain there won’t ever be anyone else for him.
Wooseok is it for him, it’s just the way it is, it’s just the way it’ll always be, and he can’t find it in himself to feel scared, not when it has never felt as right as it feels in this moment.