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Kaidan is waiting for Shepard in the docking bay, thoughtful and feeling uncomfortable. He really doesn’t know how to do this. After everything that has happened between them. Or not happened. After all those words, both said and unsaid. He gives a deep sigh and looks out of window, watching Normandy with longing. She is exquisite, maybe more than the old SR-1 used to be. And she – unlike Kaidan – waits patiently for her captain to come and take her to stars again.
He becomes a little restless. Maybe he should go, leave, forget. And when he decides to move, the door opens and Shepard is there, standing right in front of him. They almost bump into each other.
Shepard gathers his wits first. "Kaidan," he pauses, "hey, I wondered where you went. What’s up?"
And Kaidan forgets the speech that he trained for this occasion and needs to clarify the situation that they went through just several hours ago. And Shepard is attentive as Kaidan has always remembered him when says: "Okay, talk to me. Let’s have it."
And they talk. The conversation isn’t long but it’s honest and Kaidan feels good about it. Feels lighter, somehow, more confident. Shepard’s composure has always had this effect on him. He feels like he can breathe freely again. And so he goes on and asks what he has to ask.
"Look Shepard, there's another reason I'm here," Kaidan start to pace the hall. It’s still not so easy. "Hackett offered me a position, but I'd turn it down in a second if there was a chance to join you on the Normandy again," he stops moving and looks directly to Shepard’s eyes and observes uncertainty, hesitation. His heart sinks. The answer would be no.
And after a while that is long enough to be awkward Shepard says: "Couldn’t imagine meeting the Reapers without you."
Kaidan lets out the rush breath, unaware that he was holding it. "Thank you, Commander," he replies gratefully "And Shepard..." he hesitates not knowing how to formulate his thoughts right, "I need you to know that I'll never doubt you again. I've got your back."
Shepard smiles faintly and extends his hand to Kaidan. "Good to know. Welcome aboard, Major." They shake their hands and then Kaidan snaps to attention.
"Aye, aye, sir," he says and it feel so good, so right.
* * *
Later it doesn’t feel so good any more. Kaidan can’t point to anything particular that is wrong but… The truth is that sometimes he thinks he is not welcome. He has admitted to himself that he came back mainly because of Shepard, because of their old friendship and promise of something more than that. And Shepard is friendly and polite and … more reserved than Kaidan remembers.
Kaidan doesn’t know how to approach him. They still have their small talks about missions and so, even about personal stuff. Just like old times. Kaidan loves it. But there is something in Shepard’s eyes … sadness, maybe sorrow … that prevents Kaidan from holding out and touching him. But he dreams about it.
And few days later the rumors reach Kaidan’s ears and his whole world falls apart.
Tell me his name
I want to know
The way he looks
And where you go
I need to see his face
I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end
Kaidan is roaming the ship without destination, not noticing people around. He looks lost, hopeless, devastated. And even Garrus, who is still angry with him, tries to cheer him up, give him some comfort. After all, he is probably the only one who actually understands Kaidan’s current depression. He has been there all the time. He witnessed Shepard’s and Kaidan’s "having something" for each other during their SR-1 days, their annoying flirting on the battle fields, their jokes and looks and ... And he doesn’t want to imagine Major’s suffering when their old Normandy went down and Sheppard was declared MIA, presumed dead. Correctly.
But he also witnessed Shepard’s sadness after Horizon, his angst after Mars, his loneliness when Kaidan declined his offer to join Normandy’s crew again. So it is hard for him not to feel glad that Shepard has found some happiness in somebody else’s arms.
But he feels sorry for Kaidan.
Tell me again
I want to hear
Who broke my faith in all these years
Who lays with you at night
While I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own
Kaidan’s migraine becomes stronger. He is lying in his bunk, holding his head and gasping for breath. It feels like dying. He wouldn’t bother if it is. Somebody steps in the room and turns the light on. Kaidan cries out inadvertently and the sound of his voice makes it much worse. But this somebody runs to Med Bay for Dr. Chakwas who is coming back immediately with prepared syringe. She checks on Kaidan and administers the shot competently.
Kaidan’s vision goes blurry, then black and in the end he loses his consciousness.
When he wakes up several hours later, he is in Med Bay and Commander Shepard is sitting next to his bed, giving him a worry look.
"You scared the hell from us," Shepard says when he notices that Kaidan opened his eyes.
"Sorry Commander," Kaidan whispers.
"Don’t," Shepard shakes his head. "I am just glad, that you are okay. Are you okay now, right?" he makes himself sure.
Kaidan closes his eyes for a moment to explore his actual feelings. No pain. He looks at Shepard again and nods. "Yeah, the migraine is gone," he confirms. He won’t tell Shepard that he is okay. He doesn’t want to lie him.
There used to be times, when Shepard would lie down next to Kaidan and embrace him. Now he is just sitting there and later he wishes Kaidan quick recuperation and leaves.
I let you go
I let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow
Dr. Chakwas will not release Kaidan until complete set of different tests is done. She is concerned about Kaidan’s physical health and maybe about his mental state too. Kaidan suspects Garrus of talking to her. And that is probably the best proof that Kaidan isn’t exactly himself, because this is really not Turian’s way of thinking, not even Garrus’ who spent so much time among humans.
Anyway, he has time to think. A lot of time to think, actually. So he does. He thinks about all the moments he failed Shepard. Commander asked him more than once or to be together again. And Kaidan refused him. He let him go. No surprise that Shepard didn’t wait. How long should he be waiting for stupid idiot like Kaidan?
The only tear escapes Kaidan’s eyes and he bits his bottom lip hard enough to taste his own blood.
Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time
"Shepard?" Kaidan enters captain’s cabin looking for his commander. He is there, working. Of course he is. Kaidan smiles sadly, remembering old days.
Shepard sets aside the data-pad he was reading and goes to welcome Kaidan. "Kaidan, come in," he invites him and they sit on the couch. Kaidan handles him the bottle of whisky and Shepard lifts his eyebrow but laughs quietly when he recognizes the bottle he gave Kaidan in the Huerta Memorial Hospital.
"Do we celebrate something?" Shepard asks while he reaches for glasses and pours a drink to them.
Kaidan doesn’t know what to answer. He just shakes his head. "What about some hear-to-heart?" he suggests.
"Now?" Shepard eyebrows fly up in surprise.
"This time is as good as any other," Kaidan shrugs and Shepard nods and waits for Kaidan to say what is on his mind. And Kaidan suddenly feels like a bull in a china shop.
"So, uh… You… dating somebody now?" he asks and he would punch himself in face for dumb question like that.
I let you go
I let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow
Kaidan is pretending he is fine with Shepard having someone. He does his job; he fights and takes care about the Alliance business aboard Normandy. He tries to be valuable asset; he tries to help Shepard or anybody who needs his help. And he feels he is failing. Again. That he is not good enough. Again. That he doesn’t do enough. Again.
That he doesn’t deserve Shepard’s love.
He is making himself crazy with thoughts like these.
I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to love than only bitterness and lies
I close my eyes
Kaidan has always been a quiet man so nobody pay attention to his withdrawal from Normandy’s everyday life. He is avoiding people. He spends most of his free time standing in the Starboard Observation room, watching stars, drowning in his misery.
He is thinking about asking for transfer from Normandy to… anywhere.
I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let those moments end
One day he meets Shepard that is accompanied by Lieutenant Cortez. They are laughing at something and Kaidan is so consternated with Shepard’s arm around Cortez’s waist that he forgets to speak. So it is truth. It’s Cortez! Kaidan starts to shake uncontrollably with excess of emotions.
Cortez seems to be confused but Shepard immediately knows what’s wrong and approaches Major.
"Kaidan," Shepard says his name worriedly while he squeezes both of his shoulders with his big, warm and confident hands. He still cares. "I am sorry, Kaidan," he says in a low voice. "I can arrange your transfer. You could get a ship under your own command, you know that," he tries to find a way how to relieve Kaidan from his pain.
"No!" Kaidan shouts out instantly and clenches his fists.
"Please! I beg you, Kaidan. Stop torturing yourself like this," Shepard pleads. He has never wanted to cause such torment to his former lover. He still loves Kaidan. But he is with Cortez now. He won’t leave him; he won't break Steve’s heart that is slowly recovering from his husband death by Shepard's side.
Kaidan looks in commander’s eyes and he can see it all. He can see the pain that he caused Shepard, he can see the love that Shepard still feels for him and he can see his determination.
Kaidan bows his head.
I let you go
I let you fly
Now that I know I’m asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow