Chapter Text
it’s one of those odd days when bucky feels like he needs to get away from steve. not in a bad way, in fact, steve encourages it. so bucky goes out for dinner with sam and clint, leaving steve to his own devices.
it’s pretty lonely. it doesn’t have to be. steve could probably go find nat and ask her to spar, or hang out with thor and catch up on their shows, but he doesn’t want to do that. he’s fine being by himself. it gave him time to really think.
it isn’t until he wanders into the communal kitchen that maybe he was too deep into his thoughts. he’s a bit startled to see tony, leaning against the kitchen counter, sipping on a cup of coffee. steve almost backs out of the kitchen, as to not have to be faced with the awkwardness that would surely ensue, but he’s too late. tony’s brown eyes are already on him before he can go through with his horrible and awful plan.
tony shoots him an hesitant smile, and it tears through steve’s heart, because that smile used to be so sure and full of light. now it just seems dull and awkward.
“hey.” steve says to break the silence.
“hey cap.” tony replies with a wry look.
it killed steve to see the closed off look on tony’s face. he knows he’s being unfair, to tony, to buck and to the team. steve won’t let himself have bucky the way he wants, because he doesn’t want to hurt tony.
his heart is misplaced and torn. he wants bucky, he has him so close after so long. he’d be stupid not to keep bucky close, especially after everything. for once, it seemed like god was on his side, but then again maybe not.
even though steve and tony were never official, they had that connection. it improved the moods of everyone, proving to be a good thing for team morale, seeing their leaders so content and in tuned.
that’s why steve hates himself right now. he messed that up. it’s like walking around eggshells anytime the team bring tony up around steve, who’s constantly trying not to say the wrong thing and fuck things up even more.
because truth be told, steve hasn’t felt that way about tony ever since bucky came back into his life. it’s like his whole heart and being just fixated on bucky the moment he’d gotten word that bucky was in new york, surrendering himself to the avengers, proving not to be a threat. bucky had some sense of himself since steve last seen him DC.
steve sees the journals bucky holds so dear to him, not letting a soul near them. steve can respect that, he’ll respect anything as long as it means he can be close to bucky.
so lately, steve hadn’t spared too much time from being away bucky.
he needs me, is what steve tells himself every time he starts to feel guilty about tony.
he hadn’t seen tony that much anymore. steve didn’t know if it was a blessing in disguise, that’s what he tells himself anyway. it’s not like they’re avoiding each other, right? they’re just busy. steve’s busy with bucky and tony’s busy with whatever tony does all the time.