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Rafael tugged at his button-down, straightening it, and knocked on the door. He nervously shifted foot to foot, balancing the package delicately under his arm as though it were breakable, although he had the assurances of the sales clerk that the picture frame was carefully safe in its wrappings.
He could hardly believe he had talked himself into doing this. To be honest, he hadn’t. It had been Rita, who had watched him mope every day since returning from Miami last month. She’d been up his ass about renewing connections ever since he’d returned, and she told him this was the perfect opportunity. He had been sorting through the mail she’d gathered for him when he had found it--a small envelope addressed to him in neat handwriting. “It’s A Baby Girl!”, the announcement had read, and he knew after years of reading reports whose announcement it was. Snarkily, he wondered if this one was Declan’s too. Then he heard Olivia’s voice in his head admonishing him for being judgmental. Ironically, Liv hadn’t mentioned anything about this new development in any of their calls or texts over the last six months.
Whether he had admitted it or not, he missed the squad, the whole squad, and this gave him a chance to see everyone. He wondered if Carisi was still keeping up with the law journals, if Fin was still indulging in his video game obsession. Obviously Rollins had her hands full, even more now with a new baby on the way. He always thought she seemed to enjoy being a mom to Jesse, but hadn’t gotten the feeling she was planning to expand her family. Not that he knew her that closely. Just a feeling.
He wasn’t sure how Rollins had managed to plan a baby shower two whole months in advance, but his invitation sure said today, even if it had been mailed two months prior. He could hear noises behind the door now, and he knocked again.
Suddenly the door swung open to reveal Rollins in a stained tee-shirt and jeans, no makeup and hair askew in a loose ponytail, with a tiny baby in her arms. “Barba,” she said, eyes wide and face shocked. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“Uh,” he reached into his pants pocket and pulled out the invitation, folded neatly, and handed it to her, “there must have been a mistake. Clearly your baby is already here.”
She took the invitation from him and opened it, reading carefully, and her eyebrows rose. Suddenly her mouth curved into a smile, and a moment later she started laughing. “Oh Jesus,” she muttered, “pregnancy brain!” Looking up at him, she handed it back. “I wrote down her original due date instead of the party date, Barba...I was such a mess! Obviously, there’s no party today. I’m so sorry.”
Taking the invitation back, he folded it back up and returned it to his pocket, then held out the box. “Well, it may be late but I brought you a gift. Hopefully someone can still use it.”
She was still smiling and reached for the box before suddenly seeming to realize they were still standing in the doorway. “Jesus again! You wanna come in? Come on in, you can hold her, plus we can talk a bit--”
He hesitated for a second. “Uh, I don’t want to interrupt--”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” The baby suddenly began to fuss, and Rollins shifted her to her other arm. “I even have coffee. She’s made sure I understand caffeine addiction. Cup?”
Rafael smiled awkwardly, then stepped into the small apartment. He was immediately reminded of Liv’s place years ago as he maneuvered through a maze of children’s toys and clothing. Rollins tossed a few things off of the couch to make a clear seat for him and he sat down. “Here,” she said, holding the baby out toward him, “she’s easy. Just hold her and I’ll pour you a cup of coffee.”
“Oh..okay.” He carefully took the baby, cradling her to his chest, and thanked God for the practice he had gotten with both Noah and with Carmen’s little baby, who was born a few months ago. The baby’s tiny eyes focused on his face and she appeared to be watching him carefully. “What’s her name?”
“Billie. Milk? Sugar?”
“Sugar, please. No milk.” The baby began to fuss so he gently bounced her in his arms, a trick he had learned a few weeks ago from Carmen when he visited. “Hello there, Billie,” he greeted her. “I see you like to make a lot of noise like your mom.”
“Ha. Funny.” Rollins’ lips were curled again in a half smile as she set his coffee next to him on the end table, then reached for the baby. He handed her over, then picked up his drink. “So what have you been up to?”
He sighed. He had known this question was inevitable from his former colleagues but he had hoped it wouldn’t be asked today. “I was in Miami for awhile. I’ve taken a position teaching at Fordham. Different than anything I've ever done, but I'm ready for a change. I start next week.” Swallowing a sip of coffee, he continued. “I’m looking forward to getting back to work. Breaks are good for clearing the head, but it’s time to be productive.”
Rollins nodded, taking a sip of her own coffee. “Well, you’re definitely missed.” Seeing his mouth open, she waved her hand. “Oh, I know Liv said you felt you needed to move on. Whatever, Barba. I’m sorry for your crisis of faith or whatever it was, but your replacement is, uh, not you.” Looking down to the baby in her arms, her voice softened and she said, “You gave that poor child and his family some peace, you know.”
He felt the lump in his throat and swallowed, hard, as he shook his head. “I had no right to do it,” he responded, clutching his mug between his hands. “No right,” he repeated, more to himself than to her.
He felt her hand on his forearm and it startled him. He followed the line of her arm up to her shoulder, neck, face, where he saw her expression was soft. “Maybe not, but I know you enough to know it was from a place of compassion.”
Rafael felt his eyes begin to tear and he turned his face away, embarrassed for Rollins of all people to see his emotional display. “Here.” She was tugging on his arm again, and when he turned toward her, she was handing him that damn kid. “Hold her again. She’s good for what ails you.”
Hesitantly, he took Billie from her mother a second time, and she handed him the baby’s bottle. “I just need to burp her halfway through,” she instructed, “so stop when you get to about that point.”
He gently placed the nipple into the baby’s mouth and watched as she began to suck eagerly, quickly closing her eyes. She made soft, contented sounds as she ate, and he couldn’t help but smile. Rollins was right; the baby made it hard for him to stay focused on the pain that had become such a familiar companion for him.
“Jesse’s gonna be sad she missed you,” Rollins mused aloud. “She’s on a playdate with Noah.”
He chuckled softly. “Jesse probably doesn’t even remember me, Rollins. It’s not like we spent a lot of time together.”
“She does remember you,” Rollins countered. “Don’t you remember you’re her ‘Unta Waffy-Taffy’?”
He groaned. “I thought she would have given that up by now.”
“Nope.” She grinned at him. “She still asks Noah when Unta Waffy-Taffy is coming to play.”
“Fantastic.” He handed Billie back over to her mother for burping. “I always wanted to be associated with a terrible candy.”
“Well, now you are. Jesse lives to make your dreams come true.”
“I’m flattered.” He watched for a minute as Rollins smacked the baby’s back. “I suppose I should get going and give you some peace, huh?”
She rolled her eyes, a move straight out of his playbook, and he couldn’t help but smirk. “There’s not going to be peace when you go,” she told him. “Oh wait! I didn’t open your present! Hang on and let me do that before you leave.”
She was struggling to balance the baby as she stood, so he hopped up and grabbed the package from the counter where she had left it and handed it to her. “If you don’t like it, or if you have one, there’s a gift receipt in there.” He heard himself babbling as she pulled the tape off the ends of the package, smiling. “I thought you might like it…”
She opened the box and pulled out the picture frame. It was a small silver frame, with tasteful etching, and he could tell she liked it by the way she ran her fingers over the design. “I got it from a local artisan’s shop, so it’s relatively unique. The magnolia design reminded me of you.”
She was smiling, and when she looked up at him her eyes were shining. “It’s beautiful, Barba. Thank you.” She reached over to the end table, picking up her phone, and handed it to him. “Would you take a picture of Billie and me? That way we’ll have something for it right away.”
“Uh, sure.” He fiddled with her camera until he was able to focus on the two, and he swore that Rollins’ eyes were bluer than he’d ever realized. He snapped a few pictures, then handed her back the phone.
“Thanks. Now your turn.” She quickly deposited Billie back in his arms again and had the camera turned on them before he could even adjust the baby. He heard the click.
“Can you hang on at least long enough for me to not look like a deer in the headlights?” he groused, and he tried to look pleasant as he heard her quip, “Now THERE’S the Barba we all know and love!”
She snapped a handful of pictures of him with her baby, and he smiled for the camera as the baby cooed in his arms. After a moment, she took Billie back, and he stood to leave.
“Well,” he began formally, “it was good to see you.”
Rollins tossed him a grin and stood to walk him to the door. “Don’t be a stranger. Like I said, she’s good for what ails you.”
As he reached the door and opened it, she suddenly embraced him, squeezing tightly, and he tried to relax after his initial shock. “I hope you’ll come back,” she said quietly as she held on to him. “It’s nice to see adults sometimes.”
He slowly wrapped his arms around her, returning her hug, before pulling back. “I’m sure that’s true,” he replied kindly, and for some reason he suddenly realized he really liked Rollins. He always had. There was something honest in her that didn’t try too hard to soften his corners, or even her own, and he appreciated that.
“Thanks for the picture frame!” she called as he headed down the hall, and he waved at her and smiled.
He mentally made a note to return.