Chapter Text
Dib is big in the science department. That true fact is pretty neat if he does say so himself, which he very much does.
He's not as important as his genius dad of course, but Dib is called pretty often to participate in different projects and experiments whenever people need an extra pair of skilled hands and the brilliant professor Membrane isn't currently available. It feels nice to be the second best bet to most people considering that his father is almost, if not the best professional in pretty much all fields of science all over the world.
The thrill of getting appreciated is something Dib could get used to.
All in all, his dad is happy he didn't pursue paranormal investigating and Dib gets a lot of cash working with his pops to live the high life. It's a win-win situation, or at least it would be if a certain alien wasn't involved. That seems to be a common theme around Dib's life the last few years.
For an example, today he was planning to just do his thing. Sit at his desk in the, for now empty lab section he was assigned to and finish projects already started by his comrades. It was supposed to be an easy-peasy work day. Kind of boring but still easy and productive.
Then the angel of death arrives all deus-ex machina style from the ceiling.
Dib was so dumbfounded to see him, of all people, here. In the place where they literally dissect creatures like him, that Dib had to rub his eyes three times to prove he wasn't daydreaming about the handsome thing. Only after the third time did he believe he was actually seeing Zim un-hooking himself from the overly-complex looking machine he used to bring himself down to the ground.
Dib looks up and sees that in the ceiling lies a perfectly cut circular hole Zim presumably crawled in from. The athletic alien expertly lands on his feet as if he has done this before countless of times, which concerns Dib. But only for a moment, because let's be real here. Dib lives trough many and much more concerning things with Zim daily, than any living human probably should.
"How the fuck did you pass security?" Dib asks, still looking stupidly stunned.
Zim smirks and chuckles like an evil gremlin at the question, clearly remembering something Dib has no idea about. Yet. This can't be good. Even if the little asshat passed security of the actual building by entering from the ceiling, he had to pass trough the huge wall outside, layered with badass lasers and deadly machine guns and tons upon tons of alarm systems. Y'know...like in the movies.
So there are two answers as to how Zim managed to do this:
A) He is an actual badass (unlikely)
B) Their machine-defenses are as stupid as the people of this town and somehow didn't notice him, again (probable)
"Well...you see Dib-stink..." Zim starts, still looking smug. "Zim was going to kindly ask the humanities guarding your little playland to let me in to see you but...there was some miscommunication between us"
Dib already started rubbing his temples in frustration, trying to massage the oncoming migraine away. So it's a mixture of A) and B) then. Joy. "Oh really? And why is that?"
While he watches Zim giggling giddily to himself, as if Dib just handed him an Earth-sized bomb detonator for Christmas, he thinks to himself, 'Why the fuck did this easy-going workday have to be ruined?' then he imediately answers for himself, 'Because I'm dating an alien. That's why. Stupid.' wondering how in the hell he keeps forgetting that crucial fact.
"They didn't let me trough at first, so I asked them why" Zim begins explaining, expression growing more annoyed by the second. "They got furious that I didn't want to leave so they cursed Zim and pointed out his height" Zim seethes, like that explains everything, then his grin grows almost manic. "So I made them shorter than me~" The zipper-looking rows of sharp teeth widen until his entire face looks painfully stretched and permanently deformed.
Dib looks confused, not seeing where Zim is coming from yet. The tiny extraterrestrial is obviously very proud of this supposed achievement and Zim is only ever this proud when he does something extremely violent and succeeds in it. He even has that glint in his orbs that signal this is probably something that will get on Dib's nerves as bonus points.
It takes them both a minute of staring, which Zim seems absolutely fine with indulging in. Dib's eyes widen in horror when he figures it out. "Please don't tell me you-"
"I cut their legs off, yessss~" Zim hisses like a happy boop-snoot-not-included snake and looks very pleased that Dib figured it out all on his own without having to bring out a presentation this time. "And I used the legs against the primitive biological security detection!"
Dib's face goes pale at the realization that Zim is serious. He knows that Zim is a fucked sadist but he never even considered that he would hurt someone from his fucking work place. This is supposed to be a Zim-free zone goddammit. "Oh my almighty bigfoot...Zim you can't just-" Zim puts a finger on Dib's quivering lips to shut him up. Dib has to stop himself from slapping it away. The human boy learned that violence is never the answer with an overpowered alien, unless you specifically want a few broken limbs for your trouble.
"Yes I can" Says Zim, grin wavering. "Why are you shaking like I kicked you in the squeedly-spooch? You don't usually mind a little murder..." he squints at Dib's red, angered face. "OR a little manhandling"
"A little--- Zim! I Probably knew those people!" Dib yells, voice cracking at the end to show just how much it upsets him. Zim narrows his eyes further, apparently just noticing that Dib is genuinely upset and trying to locate where it's coming from.
"So? I killed plenty of measily human smeets in skool. For experiments as well, which are a lot more painful and not-fun for them! You knew them too" He reasoned, looking more annoyed than concerned for Dib's tears.
"That was different! Most of them bullied me and you!" Dib declares very morally. "Those guards help keep me safe! I see them everyday, bring them coffee---"
"Well, you won't see them anymore. Hehe~ because they're too short to see them properly- get it!?" Zim barks out a laugh. It's loud so Dib yells even louder. "ZIM!!!" Dib screeches, covers his red, frustrated face and tries hard not to have a full-on anxiety attack.
Unlike when Zim has a panic attack, when Dib has anything remotely close, Zim doesn't know how to shut the fuck up and help.
"Tsk, quit your whining human. They're alive. I burned their stumps shut. It was kind of stinky though, Zim guesses burned meat doesn't go well with the wiggly alive kind." Dib outright whines. "That's supposed to reassure me!?"
Zim watches him, serious when he says, "Yes"
"Why do you do this to me? How did I deserve this?" Dib keeps trying to make Zim figure out that he did something really upsetting and especially fucked up this time.
Zim shrugs and looks away, staying silent.
Dib has to work up every ounce of self-control to not reach out and choke the insufferable asshole. Then the alien speaks, voice soft and tender, "Because I love you, duh" like it's obvious. Dib's anger stops like fire doused with a bucket of water. He blushes and gives Zim a hesitant smile of fragile hope. "...really?"
With his feelers standing high in alert, Zim barks, "really what!?". The eccentric is visibly tense, like he didn't expect Dib to actually stop being mad just from saying something so obvious.
"Did you just say you love me without crippling me first?" Dib has to check. Zim blushes and looks at his feet. His antennae lean back to seem less intimidating, almost giving himself a submissive look if Dib didn't know better than to assume something so foolish. Zim is anything but submissive.
"I just wanted to stop your whining, you big-headed baby" Zim tries to explain.
"That's...strangely compassionate of you" Dib says, still not believing that this is the time Zim decides to pull out his ultra rare 'I love you' card. He knows he's probably acting very inhumane by ignoring Zim's torturous crime, but...well...he was always a bit fucked in the head. Nothing ever stopped him from ignoring everything else in favor of giving Zim his full attention. Like hell is he going to start being all moral now and miss this.
Zim snorts, bemused, and approaches Dib. He goes on his sharp toes and gives Dib a chaste kiss on the chin where he can reach. All Zim's sins are instantly forgiven. Dib briefly wonders if Zim is manipulating him right now, then realizes he doesn't care either way.
"D'aww, you felt all lonely in my house so you had to visit me at work?" Dib coos and reaches out to gently stroke a hand down Zim's smooth head, ending his pet with a stritch behind the alien's antennae on the sensitive skin there, where the feeler connects to it's owner's strangely shaped head. Dib makes a squeaky noise like a total One Direction fan when Zim instantly melts in his hold and makes a deep throated croak-like noise that can rival a purr's cuteness. Zim starts acting like Dib flipped the alien's metaphorical switch and turned all his hostility off. And judging by the way the alien tensed before completely losing his will to fight Dib's clever hand, Zim was about to lash out against the presented intimacy but was stopped just in time. The instinct to bite when cornered by positive emotions was probably fueled by Zim's bullshit 'don't touch me 90% of the time' policy. Dib is so glad he tamed the alien without having to apply bandages to a bleeding finger or neck this time.
And so they cuddled in the lab while two legless guards cried out in pain and misery in the distance somewhere. It's the most romantic Dib ever felt.
At least, he felt like that until there was a knock on his lab section's metal door. The knock was hurried and aggressive, so he assumes someone found those two guards and wants answers from the staff. That would be easy to handle, if a full out stranger to the facility wasn't standing in front of him. Zim's brain is pretty much melted to goop by now, all the way into cuddle mode. Zim won't even register what's happening around him while he's like this, which means that Dib is on his own. He wonders if this could be considered something near a subspace to the alien, and then he thinks about the possibility of his antennae being a secret erogenous zone--- then a particularly loud knock knocks him out of his thoughts. Ugh...that was awful.
Dib tries to get Zim to move, but the alien is barely standing as it is, so he hurriedly picks Zim up and looks around for a viable escape route. He doesn't see any and starts to panic, then his gaze lands on a bookcase with a single book drawn out more than the others. It stands out so much that Dib instantly figures it must be a secret exit lever that methodically exists in every major lab for some reason. Dib rushes to it and lord and behold- he was right. The bookcase rumbles as it slides out of the way and reveals a secret tunnel that's suspiciously designed to look middle-aged. With torches layering the brick walls and everything. Seriously, is he living in fiction or something?
A loud thump against metal signals Dib that he should fucking hurry. He rushes trough the tunnel, listening to the bookcase sliding back to it's rightful place to look innocent and say 'smart people own this place'.
He feels his arms holding Zim jitter with adrenaline. He forgot how nerve-wrecking escaping the law can be, even if the law is about as competent as the Irken invader is about conquering Earth. That's exactly why he doubts any of the people forcing themselves into the room are weird enough to look for a secret exit.
He slows down when he's pretty deep in the tunnel and places Zim on his feet, hovering nearby in case Zim cannot stand on his own yet. He heaves out breaths of exhaustion followed by panting, his body not used to exerting itself this much. Dib always forgets just how heavy Zim is for his height, counting the sheer muscle mass on the little thing.
"You're fucking fat, holy hell!" Dib breathes out.
"Hhh..." Zim groans. He is a lot more confident in the support of his legs now and stands on his own, though his eyes still look hazy and a bit out of it. He doesn't respond, but does come closer to Dib and nuzzles his side like an affectionate cat to try and wake up.
Dib sighs and takes a minute to calm his breathing before he takes Zim's hand and continues walking. "We don't have time for your good moods right now! Why do you always have to choose the most complicated of times to make even good things difficult?" Dib continues ranting to a touch-drunk Alien. "Why not cuddle with me when I'm watching TV, or having trouble falling asleep or, I don't know..." When the couple arrives to the end of the tunnel, it neatly opens and closes again when they exit. They continue walking until they reach the side-gates of the wall. "...NOT after you decapitate my guards and force me to leave my project unattended---" Dib freezes. "...wait..."
And then there's an explosion.
"..." Dib stares at the entire section of his lab department going up in flames and burning pieces of metal. He sloooowly turns his head to Zim, who is now very awake. He suddenly doesn't look very high and mighty anymore.
"Eheheh..." Zim laughs awkwardly and for once tries to make himself seem smaller. "...oops?"
Well, this is one hell of a way to get fired.