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I’ve been feeling disgustingly lonely for a long time now. It’s hard to create lasting bonds with people when you don't want to deal with building trust and letting down your walls. Even the few friends I have I tend to keep at arms length. I just think there's never a reason to bother anyone with things I deal with. I know they're there for me and, of course, I'm there for them but...it's easier to just ignore those emotions.
I’m not really sure who I’m writing this letter to, or even why I’m writing it. There are a handful of things that keep me going, but when you’re stuck in a never ending loop of depressive episodes not even those things help. Going out doesn’t help, meeting with friends doesn’t help, trying to do things you actually want to do doesn’t help, because it’s such a struggle to do the simplest things as it is.
I try to keep it together because I know I have a lot of things to be grateful for and I’m very fortunate. Most of the time I feel like the things I have trouble with aren’t good enough reasons to be feeling this way. So many people have it worse than me and whatever I went through...whatever I'm going through...they're just bad excuses erasing the bigger problems other people face.
I’m not looking for people to tell me that I’m not alone. That’s never been the problem because I know everyone has issues. Telling me I’m not alone is irritating because it doesn’t change anything in the slightest. I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m asking to be happy and to be able to share that with people. I’m asking for someone to understand where I'm coming from. Maybe if I shared small pieces of what makes me happy…or if someone shared in the excitement, life wouldn’t feel so daunting.
These things…they’re only a minuscule part of the real problems that challenge me daily, but there was a time when I had people to share moments with. They're gone now. Losing all of that...lacking in all of these places...just makes dealing with the bigger problems harder.
Anyway, whoever gets this letter and you’ve read this far…well, first of all, thank you for listening. Second of all, I hope you’re not feeling lonely. If you are, I hope this letter made you feel not so alone for a while.
Sincerely,
“Name’s smudged out…” Dick sighed and folded the letter back the way he found it. He quickly finished the rest of his soup at the convenience store, pocketed the anonymous note, and headed out with a quick thanks to the store owner.
All he could think about the whole way home was the contents of the message. There were obvious tear stains on it and the handwriting was fairly neat, if you ignored how shaky some of the lines were. Needless to say, whoever wrote it was in a lot of distress and he wanted to help, he just wasn’t sure how.
He contemplated taking it down to the cave and getting prints off of it, maybe matching them in the database to see who shows up? It was a possibility, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to treat the matter urgently or let things unfold. He could also find a way to check the camera footage of the convenience store since he found the letter there on the food counter. Or, he could frequent the store and hope to bump into whoever it was…figure things out…there was something romantic about that idea and he felt a little warm at the thought.
Suddenly, a new idea unfolded and his eyes lit up. You could practically see the wheels turning in his head. He started walking a little quicker now, wanting to get home as soon as possible to put his plan into motion. He only hoped that it would turn out the way he envisioned it.
You just finished your shift at work and were exhausted to say the least. As usual, you made your way to the convenience store to get some late night food before heading home. It had been another tough day. Your anxiety, although manageable for the most part, tired you out. Usually, walking on the streets of Gotham at night didn’t do anything to ease your worries, but tonight seemed different.
Although rain typically helped you relax, it was only when you were someplace comfortable to begin with. Regardless, you thought that it must have been the rain that was helping you unwind.
Your mind subconsciously tuned into the pitter pattering sounds surrounding your senses from the umbrella bobbing above your head. You don’t remember anything after that, including your body going into autopilot and somehow getting you to the convenience store safely.
You stomped your feet on the pavement under the convenience store awning and shook out your umbrella. The familiar chime rang as you passed under the threshold, and you brushed your shoes on the designated floor mat for good measure. The first thing you noticed was the welcoming warmth of the shop. It wasn’t the safest area, you knew that, but it felt nice. Sometimes the routine tired you out, making you feel like you were stuck on repeat, but it was comforting to have one thing as a constant.
You took a seat at the counter after greeting the owner and grabbing your usual comfort food, letting out a long relaxing sigh. How long had you been holding that in for? Sometimes you forgot to breathe when things got too tense, but your body was finally catching up to the small peaceful moment you were finding yourself in.
You were usually one of the few people who came to the store and actually stayed to eat, especially this late at night. However, it seemed that wouldn’t be the case this time. Reflexively lifting your head as you heard the bell chime again, you stared at the man who walked in. It wasn't like you would know who it would be, since you had only been living in Gotham for a few months now, but something about him felt familiar. Like you had known him lifetimes ago.
He dusted himself off and repeated the motions of cleaning off his rain soaked shoes on the store mat. Shivering a little, he hugged his jacket closer around him and he went off to do whatever it was he was here to do. At this point you realised you must have been staring, so you turned back to your food that was getting colder by the minute.
A few footsteps and cash register clicks later, the space around you felt warmer despite the brush of air you felt as the mysterious man took a seat. Similar to you, he let out a long breath and started eating his soup quietly.
He looked tired…there were obvious bags under his eyes, which you only noticed because he could barely keep them open. It seemed like his face was going to be drowning in the soup at any moment. How he hadn’t noticed you openly glancing at him by now was astonishing. He must have been too exhausted to even realise. Just as you went to steal another glance, to make sure he didn’t face-plant his food of course, he started coughing.
Panic took over you like someone threw a bucket of ice water over you. He was choking on soup and you had no idea what to do. Awkwardly reaching to pat his back, you looked around for one of your napkins. He held up his hand to signal that he was ok, laughing through the relentless coughing for reassurance. You still handed him a napkin with a sense of relief. Gratefully accepting it, he showed you one of the most stunning smiles you had ever seen.
Brushing aside black tufts of hair that annoyingly moved into his eyes during his choking fiasco, he reached a hand to you. You huffed out a little laugh at the situation and accepted his handshake.
Clearing his throat, he began to introduce himself. “Richard Grayson, but you can call me Dick. Some way to make an acquaintance huh, sorry about all that commotion.” He chuckled a bit and let go of your hand. The tingly feeling of his warm touch stayed with you as you wondered if he felt it too.
Nervously playing with the edge of your jacket sleeve, you offered him a hesitant smile. “(Y/N), you can call me (Preferred Name). It’s totally fine, I honestly thought your face was going to become acquainted with your soup before we did.”
There was an awkward pause and you blinked rapidly in panic. What the HELL were you thinking. Obviously you were dazed and tired so your filter was out the window.
Chuckling uncomfortably, you began to explain yourself. “What…what I meant was….” But Dick couldn’t hold his laugh in any longer and he let it out freely, clutching onto his sides.
He started talking again before you could fully become irritated from embarrassment. “It’s been one hell of a night, I’m pretty tired I guess it shows!” He continued laughing and you couldn’t help but smile a little as well.
Taking a deep breath to refocus, you let out a sympathetic chuckle. “Sorry, that sentence was worded a lot better in my head. I’ve had quite a long night too.”
He hummed to let you know he was listening while he took a sip of his soup, careful not to choke on it again. “Looks like we both got the short end of the stick today. Do you…do you want to talk about it? I mean you don’t have to, I’m a complete stranger I just thought I’d-“
Finishing your mouthful of ramen, you smiled and turned your attention back on Dick. “Thank you, work was kind of tiring is all but what job isn’t. Do…do you perhaps want to talk about…uh…your day? If it’ll help, I mean…” Your sentence faded into a few minutes of silence. You could tell he was debating on your offer, so you let him take his time.
Eventually, he made up his mind and, after another spoonful, turned to you slightly with a sigh. Then he thought better of it and shook his head. “It’s, well, it’s a lot of things and I have no idea where to begin. I think just talking, distracting myself, is helping.”
You nodded slowly while panic started to build up in your stomach. You had no idea where to take the conversation now, but thankfully Dick seemed to ease right into a new topic. It was a good thing the shop was open for 24 hours because the both of you were about to see the sunrise with how caught up you were in conversation.
Once the first light started peaking over the towering buildings of Gotham, you both came to realise just how long you had been sitting there.
Standing up and stretching out all of his muscles, Dick grunted a little. “I don’t think I’ve had this much fun in a convenience store….well…ever!”
You bobbed your head slightly and laughed along with him. “Me too! It was really fun talking to you, Dick. I feel…relieved actually. Having moved here only months ago, I mean, I definitely have no one here in Gotham…”
Without missing a beat Dick chimed in. “You have me.”
He blinked and coughed a little awkwardly. “I…uh…I just mean, after talking for hours into the night until the sun rises? I think it’s safe to say we’re friends now, you can talk to me!”
Chuckling at how flustered he was getting, you smiled a genuine smile. It had been a while since you'd felt this relaxed and happy. “Yeah…friends. I like that.”
Without wasting anymore time, as you both had things to be doing on that new day, you exchanged numbers and Dick was the first to head out. Putting his phone back in his pocket, he hastily made to wave at you as he left.
You gathered your belongings, but just as you were about to leave you felt something crunch under your shoe. Moving your foot out of the way, you noticed a small letter folded up, now slightly dirtied. With a shrug, you grabbed it, thanked the store owner, and headed out.
Curiosity and boredom getting the best of you on the short bus ride back, you carefully unfolded the note.
This is for the person who left a letter at this store before. I got it and I hope this somehow makes its way to you. I feel like I was meant to get your letter, the timing was perfect. Honestly, I’ve gone through…a lot. I'm Still going through a lot. Gosh, thinking about it all is kind of crazy.
Outside of what you wrote about, I don’t know what you’re going through so I can’t say I relate to everything. Really, I’m not sure how much I relate to loneliness either. Sure, I get lonely at times but I’m constantly reminded I have a lot of amazing people in my life too. Losing people though...unfortunately, that I Do get. It's never easy and nothing anyone says can bring back what is lost. Like you said, everyone is going through something. People have experienced loss, sadness, tragedies...they've experienced them differently but they've experienced them nonetheless. You're one of those people and the fact that you're still fighting through it is strength beyond any heroes'.
Despite the differences in our problems, not only ours, but the differences between anyone’s problems…none are too big, small or invalid if they make you feel lonely and unheard. They’re all valid worries because they are Your worries. You’re alive, you’re out there and you matter. It’s ok to not know what you’re doing, where you’re going, who you’re going there with. Even if you’re physically alone right now I Know there is someone out there who will not only share happiness with you but they’ll share Life with you. You will find someone to cry with, laugh with and worry with. And you're right, hearing that you're not alone rarely does anything to help which is why I chose to write this letter to you, as physical proof. As someone who gets the pain...
Just like how I found your letter, and how hopefully you found mine in return…I know I’m just a stranger to you and these words probably have no meaning but you WILL be ok. Writing a letter back and praying it reaches the right person, I was hoping that would happen to show you that you will find the happiness you’re looking for.
I’ll frequent this convenience store as often as I can! Hopefully we bump into each other? This is all kind of me betting on that 0.00001% chance really, for all I know this letter made it to some other stranger. But, hey, if Other Stranger is feeling down I hope this helped you out too. Anyway, I’m signing off now!
Sincerely,
“Dick Grayson,” you could barely see his name with how misty your eyes were getting, but you knew you saw it. You took a quick picture of the note and started writing out a text. Looks like that stupid letter idea you had wasn't so stupid after all.