Chapter Text
I knew things were getting bad again when I felt numb more often than not. I chose to ignore it since this happens this time of year, but my friends wouldn't let it go. They kept asking me if something was wrong, and they can't do anything to fix it. I hate feeling like a burden to them, but this is something I have to deal with on my own.
It's always on my own.
My father doesn't understand, he just hides in his office and refuses to talk to me about it, but I know it hurt him, too. Its been years, though, and the pain has never gone away. If anything, it gets worse as the years go by. I just push past the pain and focus on school.
The end of the day came sooner than it should've, even though its at the same time as every other day. I said my goodbyes to my friends and left school. Times like this is when I wished I was allowed to walk home, but my father insists on me getting a ride by the guerrilla. It's a good thing he doesn't talk much, as I dont feel like having a conversation. The rest of my day went on as if it were the same as normal, but that only allowed me to drown in my thoughts. All of the intrusive ones that I have, as well as the ones trying to calm them. The internal battle was too much for me to handle alone, but who was I going to share this with? No one cared.
No one cares.
Should I just end it?
I shook my head and called out to Plagg, my kwami, and lept out my window. A little fresh air will clear my mind.
Somehow, I ended up lounging on a building roof with Ladybug. I didn't expect her to be out tonight, but I guess we both enjoy the freedom we get when we can escape for a few minutes and be someone else. Be someone important, someone who matters.
Unlike Chat Noir, I dont matter as Adrien.
The two of us didn't say much for the first few minutes we were together. I didn't have anything to say. Ladybug was the only one who could make me feel better, and I didn't want to push her away by getting too personal.
"Chat... are you okay?" My ears perked up at the question and I forced a smile to appear on my face.
"Of course, my Lady, why would I not be?" I offered, hoping she wouldn't push.
"You just seemed quiet." She looked at me, almost as if I wasn't real, and didn't say much else after that. I sighed and looked away, trying to get the courage to say what was on my mind. I didn't want to alarm her, but someone needed to know, and why not someone I trusted with my life?
"You're right, I am quiet. I just... keep thinking that you might be better off if I quit. But not just as Chat, but at life. What if I just ended it all? You'd be better without me getting in your way. You wouldn't have to worry about me, especially civilian me. You've saved civilian me way too many times, and I can't be that burden. Not to mention other things I can't bring up because then you'll figure out who I am. I just keep thinking that you would be better off if I weren't here." I felt the tears forming. I mentally cursed at myself and stood up to jump away before she could say anything, but her hand on my arm kept my feet planted.
"You're not a burden. Please dont do anything rash." I just shook my head at her and pushed her hand off. I needed to get away from there as soon as I could. I couldn't deal with another person pretending as they care. She doesn't. No one does.
When I got back to my room, my mind was almost entirely made up. I called to end the transformation and looked down at what has become of me. My once perfect skin is laced with scratches, cuts, and scars, all of which were nearly expertly hidden from my father. He had no clue that I was dealing with the thoughts I've been having. No one does.
Plagg zoomed off to do whatever it is he does, and I couldn't find the energy to care. I knew what had to be done. I stood up and pushed open my window, looking down to measure the distance. If I fall correctly, the distance to the ground would be good enough to end it. No one would be able to do anything to save me. I would be gone, just like that. I took one deep breath and looked back at my large, empty room. It was cold, lacking in character, and making up for whatever love my father wasn't able to give me in money. It wasn't enough. I needed his love, I needed him to care about me. I looked back out at Paris, closing my eyes as a gust of wind pushed my hair back. I took a deep breath, breathing in the night air one last time.
Then I let go. I felt my body fall forward. I did not feel the impact on the ground beneath me.