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The sound of the planes whooshing as they land and the cold winter that whispers stories of chill winds hurts Sana’s ears. She hears a frequency humming irritatingly as she tiptoes, scouting the stampeding figures of busybodies that exit the terminal. She extends her neck as if to add more height to her vision and her hand on the cold rails of the waiting area is supporting her awkward pose. If not for the person Sana’s been waiting for to arrive, she never would’ve left the comforts of her kotatsu.
“You should relax. She’ll surely come out soon.” Momo speaks from behind her, presses herself on Sana’s back, supporting the tiptoeing girl’s posture while gently removing Sana’s hands off the cold railing, pulling the nervous girl into an embrace.
“I know. It's just that-” Sana trails into her thoughts, her feet fell flat as she melts into Momo’s warm embrace and her eyes following one frame after another as she watches the crowded view. She curses into the air as she swung her head back to land on Momo’s shoulder, holding the girl’s warm hands tightly.
Another whooshing sound and a whisper of the cold wind sent Sana off from Momo’s hug. As if the heavens have told her, she lets go of the others hand to mount them again on the cold railings. She leans forward, scanning the new batch of people that buzz out of the Terminal.
“Jeongyeonnie!” She screams with excitement, bouncing and waving, calling to Jeongyeon like a child who hasn’t seen her dog for a while.
Jeongyeon waves back with a tired smile, pointing towards the direction of the exit.
Sana turns around grabbing Momo’s hand, pulling her as they start their mini-sprint towards the exit of the terminal. Momo just let Sana pull her along, silently watching the excited girl who seems to have forgotten about the cold whispers and irritating noises of plane engines.
They halt before the exit, waiting for Jeongyeon to appear.
“Jeongyeon!” Sana calls out, still excited and bouncing and waving. She let’s go of Momo’s hand and ran towards Jeongyeon, who’s still inside the terminal, her arms wide open to catch Jeongyeon in an embrace.
“Sana-chan!” Jeongyeon calls out to the running girl as she halts and waits for Sana to come to her.
Just like the brightest of suns, Sana exudes a soothing warmth. She wraps Jeongyeon in a tight and longing hug that both of them melt into. Sana could feel it, Jeongyeon’s stiff posture, easing into a relaxed state as she circles her arms on the girl’s waist. She holds a bit tighter, feeling a bit scared that Jeongyeon would slip away from her grasp now that she’s relieved of the cold burden on her shoulders.
“Sana-chan, I can’t breath.” Jeongyeon whispers with a soft smile.
Sana hums a protest, shaking her head in disagreement before burying her face in the crook of Jeongyeon’s shoulder.
“Okay, I get it. I miss you too.” Jeongyeon speaks softly as she pats Sana’s head with her free hand, almost forgetting about the luggage she was pulling along.
Sana once again hums a protest, a pout forming on her face as she reaffirms her posture to place her head on Jeongyeon’s chest to hide it. She could hear it, Jeongyeon’s heartbeat, and her heart sinks as she listens to every beat. It was just wishful thinking. Thinking that Jeongyeon’s heart would beat as fast as hers when they embrace.
“Sana, Mina’s waiting for us.” Jeongyeon whispers with a tint of sadness, rubbing Sana’s back as if consoling the girl wrapped around her.
Sana swears she heard her heart crack at Jeongyeon’s words. She loathes herself for it. How she feels breaking at the mention of Mina’s name. How she feels frustrated that she can’t even shoo away the cold that looms over Jeongyeon, freezing her heart with sadness. She loathes herself, wishing for the hug to never end, securing herself a place in Jeongyeon’s arms.
Even the sun has a layer that none has ever seen, and that’s what Sana is like. Sana pulls away from the hug, and like the sun that she is, she smiles brightly, hiding all the dark layers behind the happy facade. She takes Jeongyeon’s free hand before quickly turning around, she wants to avoid looking Jeongyeon in the eye. She can’t have the girl see the sudden sadness that her eyes cannot hide.
“Then let’s go!” She punches the air with her other hand as she shouts in a giddy tone, trying to feign excitement, pulling Jeongyeon towards the end of the exit where Momo is waiting.
Momo smiles warmly at them. Sana swears, for an instant, just before her eyes adjusted, she saw a worried look in Momo’s eyes. She waves it off thinking that it’s just her nerves getting the best of her because Momo is acting like the Momo she knows. The shy goofball that was always with her since childhood. A silent moon that lights her dark path.
The train they’re on is nearing its stop. Momo has excused herself to the bathroom while Jeongyeon is sleeping across Sana with her hands clutched closely to her chest. It pains Sana to see her like this. Jeongyeon looks like she’s holding hope inside her hands and she holds it tight, so as to not let it escape from her grasp.
Sana moves to the empty seat next to the sleeping girl. She tucks a hair behind Jeongyeon’s ear, noticing how her hair has grown longer and how despite the situation she still remains beautiful. Her eyes suddenly linger on the other girl’s lips and Sana had to slap her cheeks to push away her unwanted thoughts. She attempts to wake Jeongyeon up with a slight push on the girl’s arm.
“Jeongyeon.” She mumbled a bit louder than a whisper.
Jeongyeon, though asleep, responds with a hum before her body shifted to have her back against the window making her face Sana’s direction.
Sana jumps a bit in surprise, not expecting the sleeping body to face towards her. She leans a bit closer to check if Jeongyeon is still asleep before she proceeds to continue her attempt of waking the girl. Sana halts before she could move back, realizing the close proximity of her and Jeongyeon’s faces.
“I love you.” Sana whispers the words loud enough for her, and maybe Jeongyeon to hear. She truly wishes that Jeongyeon would hear her cowardly confession even when her heart clenches in guilt at the thought.
“What are you doing?” Momo’s voice made every hair in Sana’s body stand and her first instinct was to jump in attention from her seat. She turns slowly, her mind still hasn’t caught up that it’s Momo behind her. She loosens up upon seeing Momo standing still with a puzzled look.
“Yah! Don’t scare me like that!” Sana shouts, cocking a fist like she’s about to send a punch towards Momo. She disarms herself when she realizes she’s a bit loud and immediately turns to see if she, by any chance, woke Jeongyeon up from the commotion.
Momo apologizes to other passengers instead as Sana now flops back on the empty chair, delicately examining Jeongyeon. Sana tries again as Jeongyeon shifts back to her initial position, mumbling words that Sana cannot decipher.
“Jeongyeon, wake up. We’re almost there.” Sana shakes Jeongyeon again, this time successful in her attempt.
Jeongyeon hums a response before her eyes slowly fluttered open, looking out to the window as if her eyes were called on to watch the green trees covered in white snow. She mumbles under her breath inaudible words before slouching back in her seat. She stares off into space still half asleep, not noticing Sana moving back to the seat across her.
“You okay?” Sana breaks Jeongyeon’s empty stare, her brows scrunched with worry.
Jeongyeon looks up and stares at Sana, seemingly searching for answers in her hazel stare. Jeongyeon moves her gaze towards Momo who’s just quietly staring and munching on her salty egg. The girl raises an eyebrow as if to question the sudden attention towards her. Jeongyeon nods and smiles at the eating girl, making Momo wear a more confused look. Jeongyeon looks back to Sana who now has an eyebrow raised as well, confused at the silent conversation they’re having.
What confused Sana isn’t Jeongyeon’s smiling stare. She’s lost in Jeongyeon’s sudden giggling and scoffing. Jeongyeon was never really good at words but always makes up with her actions and Sana questions if by any chance it was the girl’s answer to her question earlier. She questions whether the pride she feels upon thinking that she was the reason for Jeongyeon’s actions were wrong. She feels really happy but the thought of Mina suddenly crossing her mind made the guilt kick in.
The train comes to a halt and everyone starts to stand up grabbing their belongings to embark. Sana stands up, grabbing the bag that has the gift Jeongyeon bought for her and Mina’s anniversary. Sana winces as she lifts the bag, she can’t help but think that it’s like her guilty conscience, heavy.
They arrived at the hospital where Mina is being taken care of. The “Myoui” name immortalized with steel and lights as it faintly glows, welded at the top of the hospital building. Trees covered in snow decorate the surroundings and it smells like dry ice as they breathe in the frosty air and out with a freezing smoke.
They quickly move inside as soon as they got down from the car that greeted them from the train station. A comforting warmth greeting them as soon as the cold is left behind the closed doors of the hospital. They’re escorted to a room filled with monitors manned by technical personnel and doctors. The monitors displaying a familiar scene, a bed and a girl lying with eyes that lost its light. The scent of coffee circulating around, the scent of sleep deprivation, hard work, and stress.
A familiar figure with a bright smile stands to greet them as they enter the room. Sana feels conflicted at this meeting. Happiness and sadness don’t seem to align at the moment.
“Auntie.” Jeongyeon greets Mina’s mother with a bow before the woman catches her in a warm embrace.
“Obasan.” Sana and Momo greet in unison. Not long after Mina’s mother and Jeongyeon’s hug, they too, are pulled in a familiar hold.
Sana trembles as the woman tightens her arms around her and Momo. She hugs back as her guilt takes over her, making her hold on tight as if asking for forgiveness.
After a few exchanged words, Mina’s mother turns to Jeongyeon with a nod that the girl returns with a bow. She turns back to Sana and Momo looking at them with a sad smile and a nod.
“She’s waiting for you.” Mina’s mother speaks with sad excitement. She guides the two girls outside of the room and Jeongyeon is following them.
The three of them followed her down the silent hallway. The sound of their shoes echoing and reverberating through the silence as they walk. It’s Sana’s first time seeing Mina since the girl was moved into the hospital. Sana feels like her heart would explode. Heavy with the guilt of loving Jeongyeon even more and knowing too well that it’s wrong. The banging of her heart is picking up the pace and it sounds like thunder with every beat. Her body trembles with each step she takes and she wishes someone would hold her to prevent herself from crumbling down as she closes her eyes in silent prayer.
Sana thinks that it must be her punishment. To suffer and carry the weight of the guilt in her heart for her betrayal. To be broken and beaten for her treacherous desires. But a familiar warmth eases her hands and intertwined them. She instinctively opens her eyes and sees Momo’s hand holding hers, warm and tight. She holds it back, as tightly as she can and thanks to the gods for the little mercy that is Momo. That even though she is being punished, she could carry it with a little help that prevents her from being crushed by its weight.
They stop before a door, Mina’s room. Mina’s mother faces them and smiles as she presses a button. A sound of a familiar doorbell fills their ears. The door opens and Mina’s mother gestures them to go inside. For a second, Sana thinks about running away. Thinks about letting go of Momo’s hand but she couldn’t. Because Momo’s grip is suddenly so tight that blood could pop out of her fingertips. This made Sana looks at the girl again and sees an anxious expression. A rush of memories comes back to her. The first day of school, the first play they participated in, the first dance performance they performed together, the first love and heartbreaks. Every time, Momo would be holding her hand as tight as she could and an anxious look born of the girl’s shy nature. And every time, it was always Sana that pulls Momo. Like a force unknown, it propels Sana forward, pulling Momo along with her as they proceed inside the room.
Sana and Momo find themselves frozen to a halt inside a familiar room and they are in awe at how precise of a copy it is to Jeongyeon and Mina’s apartment. Sana looks back to Mina’s mother and Jeongyeon who are having a quiet conversation.
Jeongyeon is handing the gift she brought for Mina for their anniversary with a sad yet understanding smile. They both bow in respect and Mina’s mother leaves the room. It stings Sana to see Jeongyeon forcing a smile when her eyes are full of pain and sadness. Like little needles piercing every fiber in her being.
Jeongyeon just nods, realizing that Sana has seen through her. She signals to Sana to continue their journey inside the make-believe apartment. Sana just nods in return and turns to pull Momo along who was looking around the room, still in awe of the spectacle.
It’s like seeing guiding arrows as Sana walks with Momo towards the room where Mina is lying in wait. If the room was really designed to look and feel like Jeongyeon and Mina’s apartment, then Sana knows it better than the back of her hand. She’s been there too many times that she could have very well lived there.
They make a final turn into a dim-lit room with a bed and a girl lying with eyes wide open and yet there were no signs of light, Mina. Sana could feel the chill climb up her spine as they slowly walked closer towards the bed.
Her guilt striking her heart with unspeakable force upon gazing at Mina. It made her feel dirty, made her feel hateful. The guilt she’s been carrying in her heart is suddenly heavier and bigger and it’s suffocating her. It makes her not notice the tears falling from her eyes and how all the sound has fallen deaf on her ears. It makes her cracked armor crumble and break, and she doesn’t realize what words she has spoken at the moment. It makes her forget the warmth of Momo’s hand holding hers as she lets go of it to run away. It makes her fail to notice Jeongyeon as she passes her.
She is broken and it’s painful. Yet, she can’t help but feel that she deserves it. To be crushed to pieces for her insolence.
Momo hates taking the stairs more than running, more so now that she’s running up a flight of stairs. But she can’t stop. She will not stop for anything. Because right now, she hates herself more than any stairs she has to run on. She hates herself for knowing and not knowing. She hates herself for knowing that Sana is in love with Jeongyeon, yet she uttered no word about it. But she hates herself more, for not knowing what Sana was going through and not being able to be there when she needed her the most. So she runs as fast as her legs can take her. To chase after the light that was once so bright, it burned an image in her heart. The light of her life.
It’s just a hunch, a feeling that has always come when it comes to Sana. An unbroken connection that was born of their time together. Even though lost, they would still find each other. Like the moon and the sun, they eclipse.
Momo halts a flight before the rooftop door, heaving and sweating amidst the cold walls of the hospital. The adrenaline starts to fade as she sees Sana sitting on the top step of the stairs. The girl is trembling and crying silently and she could feel Sana’s pain more than her own. She tries to find the words to say, tries to take the first step to comfort her but she can’t find any courage beyond her own guilt and self-pity. All she can do is clench her fists and look down. She feels dimness before her light.
“Momo?” Sana pulls her out of her thoughts, the girl sensing her presence. She looks up and sees Sana with relief behind teary eyes and it fills her with momentary courage but she doesn’t step forward nor does she answer.
“I’m sorry.” It stings listening to Sana’s apology as she cried. She’s supposed to be the one who should be apologizing, not the other way around.
“I’m really sorry, Momoring. I’m such an idiot.”
“No!” She responds with a force that is unlike her. “Sana, you don’t have to apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Momo looks down, frustrated and beaten at her weakness.
“It’s okay to feel what you feel.” Momo wonders where the words are coming from.
“It’s okay to be selfish.” She feels like puking upon realizing the selfish words that she uttered, it tasted like poison. It may have been for Sana’s consolation, but she can’t help but tell it to herself. It’s tragic, the way the words inflict her unseen pain.
“You don’t get it, Momoring.” Sana’s words are cold and it chills every fiber in Momo’s body. It takes Momo’s gaze away from the floor and back to Sana. A mix of panic, confusion, and pain are seething in Momo’s eyes in the form of little tears.
“You know nothing at all.” It’s almost like a whisper but Momo could hear it clearly. Could hear the coldness in Sana’s voice being replaced by disappointment and frustration. It breaks Momo’s heart, not because of the harshness of the words but because of the truth in them.
Momo contemplates whether to speak. She doesn’t really have anything to say but she wants to tell Sana that she knows. She knows about her love for Jeongyeon and how she’s suffering from her guilt. She wants to but she doesn’t know how to explain herself. She’s never one of those people who are good at expressing themselves through words.
“But I do.” The words were short but it mirrored what Momo desired to express and it came out from her without her intending too. Like water spilling out of a cup.
There’s tension in the air and Momo knows she brought it upon them. She anticipates it, amidst the deafening silence, a burst in Sana’s bubble as the words pierce through the cracks of her beaten armor.
“You don’t! You know nothing!” Sana’s voice is full of fury and Momo accepts them without breaking her gaze on Sana.
“You don’t know the horrible things I’ve done.” Sana recoils at her statement, looking down at her trembling hands as her tears find its way out of her eyes again. Momo wants to run to her and embrace her, to console her, but she can’t.
“The horrible things I’ve thought of doing just to get what I want. The things that I felt that I knew were wrong but I couldn’t help but feel!” Sana looks to Momo again, her tears and sobs is filled with horror as she recalls the thoughts in her head.
“You don’t know how I prayed for it to happen. You don’t know how it feels knowing that you’re doing it to a friend!” The horror in Sana’s eyes and voice is replaced by the mellow of regret and bitterness. Momo could taste it exactly because she’s no different. She’s also someone who’s done the same thing.
“I know.” There’s no malice in Momo’s words and it made Sana flinch. There was nothing to be seen but the truth in Momo’s eyes and she can’t explain if she’s furious or relieved.
“What do you me-”
“Jeongyeon!” The name echoes with indignation, bouncing back and forth from wall to wall in the narrow space of the staircase. Momo could see the shock in Sana’s eyes and all she could do is hold on as she crumples the seams of her jeans.
“Since when?” Sana’s voice squeaks as she hiccups her question out of her quivering body. Momo could hear it well, the pieces of Sana’s heart falling apart.
“Ever since Mina introduced her to us.” Sana feels betrayed. Her blood boils in rage and she feels dizzy by the disarray of both her thoughts and emotions.
“Then why?” Momo could feel resentment in Sana’s voice and she braces herself. This is her punishment for loving the sun, she must burn.
“Why haven’t you said anything until now!?” Sana’s scream thunders in Momo’s ears but it doesn’t make her flinch. Her gaze softens at Sana’s questioning eyes as her heart clenches in an aching beat.
“Because I love you.”
There is no magic in the air, no hint of a fairy godmother granting her heart's desire. There’s not a romantic thing at the moment that could make the words feel real and appropriate. Yet she uttered them, knowing the power it holds could become her undoing.
Silence befalls them and for the longest time, Momo starts climbing the staircase that separates her from Sana. Slowly closing the distance as she takes each step with uncertain courage. Her heart drumming stronger and faster, and it makes her deaf to both sound and thought.
Like someone who’s possessed, Momo grabs Sana by both her wrist and it makes the girl look to her with shock and fear. She leans closer and pulls Sana into a kiss. It takes Sana a moment to gather herself before pulling away and paint Momo’s cheeks red with a slap.
“Unlike you,” Momo speaks softly without breaking her intense gaze on Sana. “I didn’t just pray for it to happen.” Momo inches closer and Sana flinches backward.
“I’ve done it.” The words taste bitter on her lips and it takes her everything just to fake a convincing smile and sounding proud. Sana gives her a worried look and Momo knows she’s been seen through.
“I’ve wanted you the moment I realized I was in love with you.” She confesses and Sana’s expression softens.
“Your lips. Your body. Your soul.” Momo pauses, scanning Sana’s features.
“Your heart.” She loosens her grip on Sana’s other hand and she stands up.
“Momo.” Sana whimpers her name.
“It seems like I'm not the Momo you thought you knew.” Momo flashes a pained smile while tears stream down her face. She tries to wipe her tears, hoping that her sniffles and sobs would dry away with them.
They found each other like they’re supposed to and they both found the things they were looking for. Sana found love and Momo found forgiveness. Yet they’re still lost, unable to accept the truth laid bare in front of them. One is loved and the other is forgiven.