Chapter Text
The sound of the wheels of the suitcase resonates loudly inside the empty West London house as Ben makes his way inside. He feels like he hasn’t been home in forever, so much that it barely feels like home anymore, but like it or not, it is his home.
As he settles in, he gets lost in his own thoughts. It has been a while since he’s lived entirely by himself and stayed in the same place for more than a few weeks but that is what he’s finally doing now.
The last couple of years had been hectic. He’s filmed three blockbuster movies back to back which made him travel the world. And being a big shot actor comes with extra work like award seasons, press tours and fashion shows. But that is all done now, at least for a while and he is finally back home. If he’s going to be honest, and he is because after all it’s just him now, he’s terrified about the upcoming loneliness he knows he’s going to start feeling soon.
He has to go back to his old life, his old friends, his family, but he feels that he’s different now. It isn’t a lie when they said during the press tour that Bohemian Rhapsody changed them all and turned them into a new family. Ben knows it’s going to be hard for him to let go of that all on his own. Gwilym has Dana, Rami has Lucy… he doesn’t even have Frankie anymore, he travels so much it was pointless for him to keep the lovely beagle dog he misses so much.
Ben knows he should be happy. He’s in a place he couldn’t even begin to dream when he got into acting but he’s no star. He doesn’t feel like one. He feels like everybody else. He gets sad like everybody else. He feels normal, ordinary. He’s just Ben Jones, here, alone, in his very much empty apartment surrounded by silence.
The thought of the mundane things he has to start doing on his own hunts him a little. For nine years he did everything with someone else, someone he loved. And it used to bring him joy, even the most normal things like preparing lunch, making the bed, doing laundry, he was fine with it. He enjoyed life with someone else, sharing chores, helping each other, doing something for someone else. The selfless act of doing something simple and unexpected for the person you love. Ben misses all that. Now he doesn’t know where he is gonna get the strength to do all that just for himself.
He comes to the realization that he doesn’t like being single. And he really doesn’t like being alone.
Once he mechanically puts away most of his belongings and his suitcase, because it’s going to be a while until he uses it again, he slumps on his couch and looks around the place. He hasn’t lived in this house yet, not really and it shows. The place still looks brand new even though he got it sometime during the filming of Bohemian Rhapsody began, right after his break up.
With the crazy schedules he manages he rarely had time to come back there. Then he was in America for a while, then Italy, then America again. He’d stop there maybe for a week or two in between, always knowing he’s about to leave again soon. Now he’s going nowhere, not for a while at least and he starts thinking he needs to make this place feel bit more like home.
He makes a mental note to buy a few things to decorate the place. He remembers he was given a “copy” of Queen’s Greatest Hits vinyl with their faces photoshopped into the original 4 members and he thinks he could frame that and put it up. It will make him smile every time he looks at it and brighten his day for sure. It’s making him smile even now on his own, thinking about that journey and how crazy everything was, he still can’t believe it.
Ben gets his hand inside his pocket and checks his phone. His smile still lingers on as he reads that, in the group chat, Rami has been telling them all about being with Lucy in New York these past few weeks while he’s working on the final season of Mr. Robot and Joe complains that they’re in the same state and he never gets to see him. Rami promises he’ll ask him out soon and pleads him to not be jealous. Joe then mentions Ben, saying that if he was the one in the same state, he’d wouldn’t abandon him, all while joking of course, even though joking always comes with some kind of truth and it is in fact true that if Ben was there, he really wouldn’t leave Joe’s side. And then, Gwilym asks about Ben. Joe says he should be in London by now and that he said he would check in with them as soon as he got home and that’s when Ben remembers he hasn’t yet.
On top of all of his emotions about his new life by himself, there’s Joe Mazzello. Fucking Joe. He still can’t quite figure out when was it that he started to develop feelings for the ginger. He isn’t even sure what those feelings mean to him, and to them. But he has them, they are there even though he decided to push them away. To ignore and neglect them. Because, what was he supposed to do? Tell him? One of his best friends now. How would that help them? He knew this moment, where he came home for good, was coming so what was the point? What was the point of falling in love knowing he was going to have to fall out of it later?
No, Ben refused it. Not again.
They teased each other though, endlessly too. Ben isn’t certain if Joe is in the same place he is. All those dark nights in the couch where they rubbed hands and rest their heads on each other’s shoulders. And all the silences they shared that sounded louder than anything they could tell each other with words, that he’s sure they wouldn’t even measure up to whatever they felt, none of that gave Ben any certainty.
It didn’t mattered now anyway because, here he is, in London by himself. In London without Joe.
In the group chat, Joe threatens to call Ben if he doesn’t show up soon so Ben fires up a text because he doesn’t feel like talking now.
“Sorry. Got home alright. I’m knackered. Talk later.”
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“Home sweet home,” Joe says softly to no one in his empty living room. The irony of coming home to an empty house does not escape him. A house without its occupant does not pause itself; it keeps gathering dust and collecting particles on surfaces, as if to say, I was still alive while you were gone, and now you have returned, you shall resume your cleaning responsibilities.
Joe snorts.
He takes a glance at his luggage next, thinking about the amount of laundry he has to do. Aloud, he sighs. At what age can he stop pretending to be an adult?
Or rather, if he’d been honest about it, the real question he wants to ask is, how can he rewind time and return to Catalina, where the sky and the sea share alternating shades of blue, and the sunset a spectacular play of burning colours over darkening horizon. He and Ben were standing at the edge of the vantage point overlooking the cove and the skyline, taking in the sunset view. There’s a careful distance between them; one that is neither alienating nor intimate, it is just correctly spaced and measured for buddies .
“Oh wow,” Joe had spoken first, because he isn’t one for silences. “Isn’t that sunset surreal or what?”
Ben nodded. When they got there Ben had been smoking, but his all-white menthol was now burning away silently between his fingers, forgotten. He must have liked the view a significant lot.
He shifted a leg, and the long but fragile line of burnt ashes, clinging to whatever was left of Ben’s cigarette, trembled and fell unceremoniously on the ground. Neither of them said it, but for the next five days they spent on the island, they never failed to return to the same spot for the sunset view. Joe learned that no sunset look quite exactly the same with the one before it, each time.
“I’ll miss this view,” Ben finally said on the last day they were on the island.
“Well, yeah mate, me too,” Joe said, declaring his agreement. What he chose not to say out loud was how much more he will miss the younger man, even more than each and all of the beautiful sunsets they have seen on the beautiful island. He will miss his best friend, with his wistful eyes and golden blonde locks billowing in the sea breeze. He had let his hair grew out after he completed filming his latest film, it’s longer and wavy now, and sometimes Joe had to resist the urge to reach out and run his fingers through them.
Platonically speaking, of course. It would be a platonic hair-touching. Just like all the platonic arm-hugging, eye-gazing, sole-touching, bum-spanking they had done before. Harmless, best-friends-only stuff. And people don't get their inside jokes because they're more than best friends, they're soulmates . Does he really believe in the idea that your soul knows its other half, therefore seeks it in its lifetime? Maybe, or maybe not completely. But he believes that meeting Ben and getting to know him when he did, after all the timing was impeccable no matter how you think about it--he was going through the health decline and eventual loss of his father, Ben was newly single from a long term relationship--was almost something that was meant to be; they hit pretty low points and were there for each other, and then reached new height with the worldwide success of the movie they were both starring in. Does being his friend, being in his company, felt like the most natural thing for him? Yes, without a doubt. He likes being around Ben. He is down for every crazy ideas and quiet conversations and knows exactly when seriousness is needed too. In fact, Joe would argue that sometimes Ben is the one who has the craziest ideas. Ben is like the better version of himself. He is younger and more insecure because who isn't, but damn, Joe even likes himself better when he's with Ben. Sure, maybe it’s a little unnerving sometimes, but what could be more amazing than having a best friend like that?
He takes out his phone, checks the time and notifications. Ben should have touched down a couple of hours ago and by now should be home. He opens their groupchat. Rami has just replied to his text from three days ago asking if he would be in New York yesterday .
No, Joe, I wasn't. But I was the day before , was the reply.
Too little, too late, Rami. What do I do with that information today ? He insert a squinty-eyed, tight-lipped emoji for good measure.
Gwil replied with a crying-laughing emoji. Where’s Benny boy, btw? He added.
Joe waits to see if Ben Jones is typing… would come up at the top of the screen, but nothing.
Instead, Rami replied with a lone sad face emoji. Don't you love me anymore, Joey?
No , Joe types. I love Lucy more than you now because she doesn't reply to my text three days late.
Gwil is typing. Well, he's got a point there, mate. Three laughing emojis.
Joe replies to Gwil's earlier text. I don't know, mate. He said he would text as soon as he gets home.
Nobody said anything for a while after that, and Joe goes on to check other messages he received. Mom, Mary, Chace, Eric. John sent him a picture of his kids making funny faces with a bunch of random emojis following it. They sent u those , was John’s explanation underneath it.
I miss them so much! Is Joe's reply.
We miss u 2, come ovr tmrw 4 lunch .
Will do. Hugs and kisses to my two little funny bunnies.
Joe thinks it’s absurdly funny that John is just three years younger than he is but types like a teenage boy. But then again, this is also the same guy who, when they had one of those brotherly arguments and Joe told him he'd kill him in his sleep one of these days, replied, well, that's not a bad way to die, actually. Ladies and gentlemen, meet my crazy younger brother, John Mazzello, whom I may or may not have regretted making a movie based on his real life story for.
His phone buzzed a notification from the groupchat, it has two crowns on either side of its name, because why not.
It’s Ben.
Sorry. Got home alright. I’m knackered. Talk later.
Joe’s fingers hovered for what seemed the longest time over his iPhone’s keypad. His immediate reaction was to say something similar to what he had replied to Rami earlier. Call Ben off for dismissing him and Gwil and their collective parental concern like that. How dare he. But for some reason he stopped short from doing it.
He waits and stares at his phone. What is he waiting for? That’s right, there isn't even any direct text coming in for him. Not to say that Ben has to, or that he doesn’t text privately with Rami or Lucy or Gwil too, just that he and Ben tend to have a lot more to talk about with each other usually. Whenever they’re quiet in the groupchat, it means that they’re most likely just texting each other instead.
He tries not to overthink it. After all, why should he. Maybe Ben is really, really just tired and has since passed out, Joe rationalizes. He can be like that, and has this superhuman ability to sleep for as long as he wants to, while Joe on the other hand, is a light sleeper. He can't even have the sound of television or air conditioning droning in the background when he wants to fall asleep.
In the groupchat, Gwil replied to Ben’s text. Glad to know you're safely home, mate. Have a good rest.
Joe still doesn't know what he wants to say. The seconds that tick by turn into minutes, and as they inevitably grow in number, finally he starts typing.
In the groupchat, he writes, thank god, Benny! One more minute of silence from you and I would have called the police, CIA, FBI and the Interpol
In their personal text message, he types, I hope the flight wasn't too bad and the jet lag bearable. I figured you must have passed out by now, sleepyhead. Talk to you later mate!
He presses send.