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The cold air of Razeiya Faoric's office isn't doing much to lift Rahmi's spirits. With Razeiya's permission, he's entered and is now going over the details of his last assignment - seeking to punish an individual who had wronged someone Faoric was politically close with…
"…unfortunately, I wasn't able to detain him or get any information out of him," Rahmi continues, his eyes locked on the desk. He can feel Faoric watching him, the killoren's displeasure with the situation an almost tangible thing. The assignment hadn't gone well for multiple reasons…
"So he is still on the run?" Faoric confirms, starting to make a note on the page in front of him with clear disapproval. Rahmi shakes his head quickly, still unable to meet his master's eyes.
"No, he…" Rahmi swallows, hands in his shirt. He hadn't meant for it to go this way. He truly preferred the non-violent approach with situations like this. He had tried talking calmly to the man. He had tried , and still...
"He jumped off the platform rather than face his punishment." Razeiya's pen stops moving, and Rahmi holds his shirt even tighter. "I tried to talk to him. I tried to calm him down, but he refused to listen. He was too scared. He didn't want to be caught, didn't want to find out what would be done to him. I couldn't…couldn't stop him in time."
"Mm." Faoric crosses off the other note he's made, starts a new one. "A shame. But regardless, the matter is dealt with. Your pay is in your quarters, as usual."
The tears start before Rahmi can hold them back. He can feel them welling up in his eyes and, just like the man from before, he can't stop them from falling. Faoric goes silent as he starts to hiccup, shoulders shaking as he grits his teeth, head bowed. There's a weight on his chest that feels like it won't ever go away, the pain of what he couldn't do and the ease with which Faoric dismisses it. He sobs, bringing his hands up to his face and trying desperately to wipe his tears away.
"Romazi." Faoric sounds vaguely irritated, and Rahmi can see that even now he's still making notes. How can it be so easy for him to move on so quickly? He sobs again, breath coming in short, agonized gasps, and Faoric tsks.
"Romazi. That is enough." He knows that he should be trying harder to reign this in, and Faoric having to issue a second warning is unacceptable… but gods, the tears won't stop, and neither will his shaking. He can feel his heart in his throat, and it's too hard to swallow around the pain, another anguished whimper escaping him as he breaks down in front of someone who will only ever dismiss what he's feeling…
"Control yourself, Ro--"
"Why?" The word escapes him without thought, and he starts to go on even through his tears. "Wh… why should I… control myself when… when it's just us? When nobody else can even h… hear me? Why can't you just… let me feel this pain?" He finally looks up, and somehow, it doesn't matter to him how annoyed Faoric looks. "He's dead , Razeiya, he's dead because I'm incompetent, because I fucked up and couldn't calm him down enough to convince him that he didn't need to fucking die for this…! I…how can I control myself when I've just killed someone…?! W-Why can't you just let me…"
He brings his hands to his face again, aware already of how pitiful this must look. But self consciousness is the last thing on his mind as he sits, shaking and sobbing, the weight of what he's done now tugging on his soul and threatening to tear it to pieces.
He hears Faoric sigh and flinches as the killoren rises from his chair, slow steps bringing him to Rahmi's side. He still can't stop crying, and he cowers uselessly as his master stares down at him from beside the chair, trying desperately to quiet himself. But… Faoric doesn't do anything more than stare, and after a moment, unable to contain it, Rahmi's pained sobs resume.
They stay that way for some time, Faoric apparently willing to patiently wait out Rahmi's fit until his tears have finally slowed a bit and the force tearing his soul apart has relented. He looks up once he's stopped crying so much, shame finally coming to him as Faoric him watches impassively.
"Breathe, Romazi..." Rahmi has to give credit to Faoric for at least trying to mute some of his annoyance, even if he doesn't totally succeed. He tries to inhale, his hiccupping breaths making it a bit difficult to do steadily. The killoren waits, steady and calm, as Rahmi forces his breathing to even out. He feels drained from all the crying now, tired out by his own foolishness, and watches with uncertainty as Faoric sighs again.
"Control is not a matter of who can and cannot hear you, nor is it a matter of who is present when you lose it." He sounds… tired, like a professor gently reprimanding a student for misbehaving. "It is a matter of acceptance. Understanding what you do, and do not, have control over."
"You did not, for example, have control over your target's reactions. Perhaps there was a chance, yes, that he could have been swayed by your words, or that you may have been swift enough to seize him before he escaped you." Faoric paces slowly around Rahmi in his chair, going on unaffected. "But when all is said and done, that was not the case. It is unfortunate, but you cannot allow what transpired to rule over you. You must control your emotions, or they will control you."
Rahmi sniffles, voice low as he takes in Faoric's words.
"You... don't actually care if I cry in front of you," he says slowly, understanding reaching him through his turmoil. "It's... still annoying, but. You're worried about the long term. You're… worried about this affecting my judgment on my next assignment. And you want me to control myself because if I let my emotions get the best of me, I…I won't be able to judge that what happened in the situation, ultimately, wasn't my fault." He looks up at Faoric, who has stopped pacing and is now standing still beside his chair. "…right?"
"Correct." The killoren looks faintly satisfied now, perhaps glad that he didn't have to walk Rahmi through every step of clarity for the problem. He slowly moves back around his desk and sits, still watching his knight with quiet focus. "As you said, I would prefer you not lose yourself in my office. If you find that you must, however, I will simply work around it until you are able to center yourself on your own."
That gets a quiet laugh out of him. Faoric will never be the one to try and placate Rahmi or tell him that everything's going to be alright. But…his master's words do at least bring him some clarity about the situation, and Rahmi slowly eases his thoughts back to the point of it all - that this wasn't his fault. Even if he may have aggravated the situation, even if he wasn't able to change things in the end, he can't only blame himself for what happened. The man was just as much a part of things as he was, and in the end…Rahmi didn't make him jump. His own fears, his own anxieties, are what took his life.
At least, that’s how Rahmi’s going to see it.
Rahmi looks up, finding that Faoric has returned to note taking in the silence. He clears his throat gently, rubbing at his eyes once more to dry them.
"Thank you for clarifying things," he says gently, wanting to apologize but feeling that it somehow shouldn't take priority this once. "I will…try and remember this, for the future. And do my best to not, um…break down crying in your office next time." He looks up, the ghost of a smile on his lips. "May I be dismissed? I…I'd like to go lie down for a bit."
"Go," Faoric says easily, and it's as though the incident never even happened. Rahmi rises to his feet and, with a quick bow, exits the room in silence - controlled, at least, for the moment.