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“I heard about your time in Kirkwall,” Aayilah said. She stated it so casually that Cullen had to double-check if he heard her properly. He stared into her bright blue eyes, so similar to a clear summer day in Honnleath. Her eyes twinkled, speaking to him, a light-hearted sincerity that indicated her motives were pure. It was so much like Evelyn’s own green eyes when she asked about Kirkwall, but lacking the acceptance of who he was now, sins of the past and all. But perhaps, there wasn’t a need for Aayilah’s eyes to convey that; she was willing to be his friends even after seeing him at his lowest.
Cullen didn’t answer right away, partially because he didn’t know what to say. He tore his eyes away from Aayilah’s and found himself glaring at his drink, his sorrowful eyes reflecting back at him. When he realized what he was doing, he immediately closed his eyes and downed his drink. He hated looking at his reflection, any reflection really. They might appear to be life-like and real, but they were just illusions. He had suffered enough illusions for a lifetime.
Enough visions! If anything of you is human… kill me now and stop this game!
But I will stay strong for my sake… for theirs!
And to think… I once thought we were too hard on you.
There were times - though he would only ever admit it to Evelyn - that he wasn’t sure if anything was real or not. Part of him would always wonder if these eleven years were just another trick by the Demon and he was still stuck in that terrible cage as he watched his templars - his sworn brothers and sisters - be slaughtered like a pack of rabid dogs. Even if this was real, maybe part of his soul would always be trapped there, forever destined to relive that torture every time he closed his eyes.
The burning sensation of his drink slowly sliding down his throat brought him back into reality. In truth, as long as Evelyn chose to be with him, Cullen knew that this was real. It was too good not to be. But that also meant Kirkwall was very much real.
“It was a difficult time for everyone,” Cullen curtly answered, hoping his tone would dissuade Aayilah from pursuing the topic further. He hated how diplomatic his answer was. Maybe Leliana and Josephine are rubbing off on me.
“I’m proud of you,” Aayilah simply stated, taking a sip of her drink. She set it down, idly tapping her fingers against the glass in what appeared to be a rhythm. She seemed happy to let the conversation die.
Cullen shook his head, her words offending him deeply. “For what exactly?” His words came out harsher than he intended. He hoped that Aayilah realized his anger wasn’t directed at her.
“What do you mean?” Aayilah frowned at Cullen, appearing genuinely confused.
“I failed. I stood by and did nothing,” Cullen bitterly recalled. He didn’t want to pursue this conversation, but moreso, he didn’t want anyone thinking they should be ‘proud.’ Like Kinloch Hold, Kirkwall was a place he swore to protect and both times, he watched them slip into absolute madness: abominations, blood mages, demons. And he was helpless. Sometimes he wondered why Cassandra chose him to be the Commander of the Inquisition, but he was grateful that she did.
“Not from what Leliana told me. She said you spared the mages, helped them even. You stopped the Knight-Commander.” Aayilah’s voice was gentle and soothing, and on any other occasion, it would have calmed him down.
“I could have done more!” Cullen snapped. Instead of flinching like he thought, Aayilah leaned forward and placed a tender hand on his back, rubbing it in small circles. She didn’t have to say anything, but he knew that she was encouraging him to rant and let it out. He wasn’t someone that wore his emotions on his sleeve, certainly not like Josephine. But he also wasn’t one to completely repress his emotions like Leliana. Around Aayilah, he found himself willing to open up.
They deserve to die.
You have to end it now! Before it’s too late!
I am willing to see the painful truth, which you are content to ignore.
Cullen took a deep breath, before continuing. He had reigned in his anger and his voice was deathly quiet. He thought it would be the easiest to start at the beginning. “After the Incident , Knight-Commander Greagoir thought it would be best if I transferred to another Circle.”
“Kirkwall,” Aayilah said.
Cullen nodded. “Kirkwall,” he repeated. “When I came to Kirkwall, I was still angry and bitter towards mages. In truth, it stemmed from my fear of them, of what they could do and become. Meredith saw that. She encouraged my hatred, telling me to embrace it. I foolishly listened to her because she was my mentor, someone who sympathized with my hatred. For a time, I thought Kirkwall was the best thing to ever happen to me.” He stopped talking and took a stiff drink. Shaking his head remorsefully, he continued, “Some like to believe the Mage Rebellion was unpredictable, a spur of the moment. The truth is that mages in Kirkwall were already suffering injustices, terrible injustices. Every templar knew, but we all turned a blind eye. But none of them were the second-in-command. I should have done something!” He paused, unable to look at Aayilah; he didn’t want to see the judgement in her eyes.
“Cullen,” Aayilah started surprisingly firm, “I couldn’t even begin to imagine what you went through at the Tower. Any reasonable person who went through what you did would harbor intense resentment towards mages. And then instead of a Knight-Commander who should have helped you heal, she selfishly took advantage of you for her own gain. None of that is your fault.”
“Would you have hated mages?” Cullen asked, causing Aayilah’s eyes to widen. He didn’t wait for her answer; he knew what it would be. “There were a lot of sleepless nights in Kirkwall. It gave a lot of time to think. A lot of time in which I re-evaluated my hatred of mages. I started to realize that what Meredith wanted and what I wanted was completely different.”
“That’s good!” Aayilah piped up, sounding so happy that it annoyed him.
“No, it’s not!” Cullen said, his throat restricting more and more. Each time, he swallowed, it hurt. “You can maybe justify my inaction during my first year or two in Kirkwall. But I spent seven years in that city doing absolutely nothing. You can’t justify that!”
“Cullen, you’ve changed since then. You’re not the same person as before.”
“That doesn’t excuse what I did!”
Aayilah’s rubbing came to an abrupt halt. She leaned back in her seat, moving her hands to her side. Cullen gave a brief glance at her. Had he succeeded in demonizing himself in her eyes? Did she finally realized that there was nothing to be proud of? He didn’t blame her if the answer to both those questions was yes.
Aayilah stayed eerily still for a few moments. Her head was tilted to the side, her eyes bearing into Cullen’s soul, searching for something that eluded him. Finally, she nodded, seemingly happy with what she found. “You’re right, that doesn’t excuse what you did. Nothing will change what the mages at Kirkwall suffered through. Nothing can set that right.” Her tone wasn’t harsh necessarily, more stern and cold. Cullen completely agreed with her, but for some reason, it still cut deep into his broken soul. Maybe this was part of his torture, the one person he couldn’t have informing him of the simple truth that he was a terrible human being.
She leaned forward, so that Cullen could see the same sincerity in her eyes as earlier. It confused him. “Cullen, everyone makes mistakes. It’s part of living. The only thing you can do is learn from those mistakes and try and be better. It’s all anyone can do.”
“I believe that, Aayilah. At least I want to. But sometimes I wonder if I am actually different. What if I haven’t changed?” His voice grew even quieter like a whisper in furious winds.
Aayilah placed a hand on his shoulder, one he welcomed. “You’ve changed Cullen. I promise you. I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s the truth.” He was still skeptical, he always would be to some level. She seemed to notice. “Think about it this way. If this you,” she pointed at him, “were to be transported back into Kirkwall, would you have done something?”
Cullen tilted his head back, pinching the bridge of his nose. The obvious answer was yes, but that was because he had hindsight. If he lost his memories and was back in Kirkwall, what would he do? That was a lot harder to answer. Sighing, he turned to look at Aayilah. Her eyes displayed confidence, confidence in him he realized. She believed the answer was yes. And so do I . “I would.”
Aayilah leaned back and clapped her hands excitedly together. “See? That’s why I’m proud of you Cullen. It’s hard to change, but you have. I am honored to call you my friend.”
At the conclusion of her speech, Cullen found himself speechless. His couldn’t find the right words to express his gratitude and even if he did, his throat was too dry to express them. Ever since Kirkwall, he had tried so hard to see mages as more than would-be demons and things . There was still a long way to go, but someone confirming that he had, lifted a huge weight off his shoulders.
Cullen simply gave her a tight smile, before gazing at his glass. His stretched out reflection gazed back. He despised it still, but it was more bearable, if only slightly. “I thank you for that compliment Aayilah. I try my best to at - to atone for the awful things I’ve done.” He smiled remorsefully at her. “For the awful things I said to you.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Aayilah said, waving him off. “I never once held it against you. You’re my friend and that means I’m contractually obligated to forgive you when you’re being stupid.” She winked and raised her glass for a toast. Cullen hesitated at first, but then reciprocated the gesture.
“I don’t know if we were friends,” Cullen replied. They had occasionally talked to each other while in the Tower, but they could never have a full-blown conversation due to his infatuation. He couldn’t believe that he actually ran away from her once, something that Evelyn would never let him live down.
“I like to believe we were,” Aayilah simply said.
Cullen set down his glass and raised his closed hand to his mouth. He cleared his throat. “Regardless if we were friends or not, I want to apologize for how I acted towards you in the Tower. It was highly inappropriate and rude of me.”
Aayilah tilted her head to the side, the corners of her mouth curled up in a subtle smirk. “You’re talking about -”
“Yes!” Cullen hastily remarked, red tinting his cheeks.
Aayilah’s smirk evolved into a hungry grin, like a predator about to descend on their prey. “Does Evelyn know?”
“Yes,” he meekly admitted. “She had quite the laugh about it.”
“Oh, did she now?” Aayilah said, lifting an eyebrow. “Are you sure she isn’t just my replacement? I mean we’re both mages and pretty fam-
“No! It’s no - noth - Evely - no…” Cullen sputtered haplessly. His face was becoming increasingly warm.
Aayilah bent forward, clutching her sides as she cried from laughter. “I’m sorry,” she breathed out, in-between fits of laughter, “but your face. By the Maker, it was adorable!”
Cullen was too deeply embarrassed to pretend to be angry at her. In fact, he found her teasing slightly funny, not that he would admit it. He sighed, sulking as he waited for Aayilah to calm down.
It took far longer than he wanted, but when she finally did, she stated thoughtfully, “You really like her.”
Cullen simply nodded. He already wasn’t the best when it came to words, not like Josephine or even Aayilah, but he definitely knew that there weren’t words that could describe what Evelyn meant to him.
“I’m happy for you Cullen. You deserve it.” Deserve was a strong word. He didn’t think that was the case. But he definitely didn’t miss the irony of ending up with a mage. A few years ago, Cullen would have been aghast at the notion. But now he was simply happy that a mage could look past his crimes. Two mages, Cullen noted, his eyes darting at Aayilah.
Mages cannot be treated like people; they’re not like you and me. They’re weapons , Cullen had once told the Champion of Kirkwall. It was so easy to believe that, with how Thedas treated mages. They were stolen from their families at a young age and confined into narrow tight corridors where their every move was watched. The minute they stepped out of line, they would either be killed or made tranquil. But maybe that was why Evelyn and Aayilah could look beyond his past. They were good people who had been ostracized and feared their entire lives, so they would never willingly force those emotions on anyone else. Mages should have never had to experience that in the first place. They were humans and elves, just like everyone us.
“This probably isn’t the best time to bring this up, but I found him,” Aayilah said, breaking the comforting silence between the two. Her head was tilted down, her silver bangs covering her eyes. She seemed more sheepish than usual.
“Found who?”
“Anders.”
Cullen froze in place. Of all the names, she could have said, he would have never predicted that one. He gave her utterly baffled expression. “What? How? Did -”
“Cullen,” Aayilah interrupted, her voice growing as serious as her speech earlier, “I’m telling you this because you are my friend and that you deserve to know, since you were at Kirkwall. But also as my friend, I am trusting you to not tell anyone. I know what he did was wrong,” Aayilah sighed, the type that seemed like she was angry with herself. “But I - he’s my friend. I can’t turn him in.” She was begging at this point, Cullen realized.
He looked into her eyes, Aayilah could probably see the uncertainty in his eyes. “What about those who died? Don’t they deserve justice?”
Aayilah hid her eyes behind her bangs again. “I know, but his death won’t and can’t bring them justice. It’s been too long and too much has changed.”
Because of Anders , Cullen thought. But was that even true? A Mage Rebellion had been stirring for years, it was inevitable that it would all blow over one day.
“I know it’s hard to believe, but please trust me. He won’t harm anyone else,” Aayilah begged.
“Ok,” Cullen agreed. Aayilah snapped her head up, her eyes widening in surprise.
“Ok?” she asked as if she wasn’t sure he actually meant what he said.
“I trust you,” Cullen explained. “We’re friends.” He was equally honored to call the Hero of Ferelden his friend. He didn’t know if he deserved her friendship, but he was going to try to live up to it. Be better , her words echoed in his mind. He would do that.
“Thank you,” Aayilah said, smiling light-heartedly at him.
He shook his head. “Thank you for believing I’ve changed.”
The two friends continued talking, drinking and of course, laughing well into the dead of night. They wouldn’t stop until the morning embers of the sun peered into the Herald’s Rest.