Chapter Text
When you woke up it wasn't some 'wait what the fuck is that' shit, in fact, you didn't really notice anything weird or even know why you woke up, but here you were, waking up.
It started slowly, first was the feeling of your legs tangled up with Karkat's, normal shit that you typically saw in those dumb movies he liked watching. Next was that said alien with a bad movie taste had my arm laying on his waist, not too bad. Next you realized where your other hand was; apparently he wanted to go fucking scuba diving in the deep shit of 'should not fucking be there'. Went so far down below that lefty found an octopus, trying to drown his rebellious ass.
In other words, you realized some issues. Issue number one, lefty was hanging out with that octopus in crotch territory. Then there was issue number two, that octopus was not a goddamn metaphor, it was real ass shit. Realest shit you can find, dog shit on the hot sidewalk real shit because some asshole didn't pick up after their dog-like respectful law-abiding citizens. Now you got that real shit stuck on the bottom of your fucking shoe so you go home and spray it off with a hose.
Back to your point, you know this is real shit because you spent several minutes sitting there and wondering why the literal fuck an octopus was in your bed and in between you and your now weird-ass boyfriend. Even more importantly, why the hell was it hanging out by your dicks.
So, reasonably, you lifted up the blanket to see why the hell an octopus was attached to lefty in sleepy schlong central.
This is where you're at now, on the floor, screaming your fucking ass off in the most uncoolest, unironic way that you will never admit asides in this very moment. Fortunately, Karkat 'I have a bright red fucking slug writhing between my damned legs' Vantas was not a man to speak too much of this, unfortunately, that also means he was awake. That's what happens when you scream because you're too focused on the fact that your boyfriend has a slug dick and dear lefty here just met what may be said slug dick's equivalent of morning wood. You wake up said owner of slug dick's owner because you won't stop screaming. Speaking of which, you should stop screaming. No need to make this shit worse.
Karkat gave you a grumpy sleepy look (which would've been cute if you weren't busy staring at the wriggling in his underwear with disturbed, confused wonder). That's when the guy realized the situation, turned bright wriggly willy red and ran into the bathroom. Several moments after you hear the shower start running, you decide to go get some awful coffee oil.
"Crotchtopus. Sannakji schlong. Kraken cock."
You will never admit that you were just now, muttering about Karkat's dick. That's definitely not the reason Rose is now looking at you. You definitely don't explain to her what happened, and you definitely don't notice how she eyes Kanaya. None of that even happens.
You know what? None of this happened, it never occurred, not at all.
Especially not the part where you wonder how that would feel in other places.